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S4E9 - How Do I Make Custody Exchanges Easier for My Toddler? · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where
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  I answer real parenting questions
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  about behavior,
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  emotions,
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  and the parent-child relationship.
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  In today's episode,
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  I'm answering Deborah's question.
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  Deborah,
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  thank you for the question.
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  My mom's name is Deborah actually,
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  but she spells it differently.
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  So,
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  I am interested in diving into this.
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  This is about
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  custody exchanges.
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  So,
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  when the child
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  is going to switch from one parent to the other,
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  And
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  the requests of not wanting to go,
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  not wanting to get ready,
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  so on and so forth.
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  Very common concern,
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  very
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  common scenario.
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  We actually work with our families at the center
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  a lot related to
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  custody things.
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  So this is going to be really helpful for us to dive into.
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  Deborah,
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  thanks for the question.
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  So let me read parts of this and then we'll tackle it together.
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  I'm wondering if you can talk
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  about chronically difficult toddler custody exchanges
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  with multiple requests to not go when it's time for prepping the bag,
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  putting shoes on during the drive,
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  and sometimes in the handoff.
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  All right,
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  so
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  There are lots of layers here.
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  I probably won't even be able to dive into all of them,
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  but I want to try my best to tackle as many as we can.
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  The first is
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  custody exchanges are hard
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  at any age for any child,
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  period.
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  So,
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  part of this we have to realize and recognize as normal and appropriate behavior.
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  Kids are essentially living out of suitcases
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  when they go back and forth between homes.
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  So I think we have to be very cognizant
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  of
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  I'm there for
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  23 days.
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  I don't even really get settled,
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  and then I'm back at another place for 2 or 3 days,
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  and then I don't really get settled,
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  and then I'm back at the other place.
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  It's a different environment,
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  different rules,
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  different clothes,
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  different friends,
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  different bedroom,
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  different stuff.
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  It's unsettling,
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  and the older
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  children get,
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  the more they kind of get used to it and it just becomes normal,
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  but it doesn't make it easy.
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  So I think first and foremost,
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  we have to recognize that when a child says they don't want to go.
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  It's likely because there's a lot of difficulty in going.
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  It's not necessarily a reflection of the other parent.
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  It's not necessarily a reflection of a fracture of the relationship,
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  although it can be,
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  but
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  that's not the clear assumption.
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  Sometimes it's just,
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  this is hard.
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  There's also the
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  consideration of
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  attachment and
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  parenting figure with whom they feel the closest.
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  So let's dive into that for a second.
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  The
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  child-parent relationship is important,
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  and one parent tends to be more
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  parental.
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  So,
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  let me explain what I mean.
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  So,
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  sometimes it's more maternal,
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  sometimes it's more nurturing,
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  sometimes it's more consistent,
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  sometimes it's more affectionate,
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  sometimes it's more whatever.
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  And depending on what the child needs,
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  how the child is wired,
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  some kids
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  like
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  more.
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  Distant
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  detached parenting because they're very independent and
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  they just want to do what they
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  want and they'll go outside and play by themselves and they're totally OK with that
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  and they like the
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  free reign to do really kind of whatever they want.
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  Other kids want a parent that is with them every second
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  and so they want that really engaged,
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  really involved,
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  really present parent.
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  Some like structure,
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  some don't like structure at all.
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  Some want affection,
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  some don't want it at all.
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  So there's going to be a natural connection.
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  With one parent
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  that is a little stronger than the
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  other potentially because if a child desperately needs
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  Boundaries,
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  for example,
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  like I feel safest when there are a lot of boundaries.
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  And one parent provides that,
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  but then they go to the other parent's home,
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  and it's not as boundary driven.
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  That can be unsettling for a kid that
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  really thrives with that kind of parenting approach.
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  So sometimes it's just,
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  I prefer the parenting style
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  and or I prefer the relationship I have with one parent over the other.
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  Doesn't make
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  one or both parents good or bad.
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  It's just different.
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  Another consideration is.
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  That the younger the child is,
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  and you said toddler,
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  so I'm going to guess 234,
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  the more
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  eternal
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  the time
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  spent with each parent feels.
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  In other words,
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  you know,
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  it may be 2 days,
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  it may be a Saturday,
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  Sunday,
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  weekend visit,
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  but for a 3 year old,
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  2 days feels like 2 years.
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  And so there's no sense of time.
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  Everything gets skewed,
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  and there's an inevitable longing for the other parent
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  when you're not around them.
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  So even if
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  going to the other parent's house,
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  your toddler is loved and is thriving and is well taken care of
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  and is happy and all of the positive things we would hope for,
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  there's still
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  a very deep rooted longing and need for being with you,
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  Deborah.
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  So
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  that's another consideration
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  that it's hard for a child to let go of one parent to go be with another
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  because they're very black and white.
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  Concrete
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  beings.
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  There,
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  it's,
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  it's hard for them to understand that you can
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  have
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  one parent that loves you that you don't see for two days
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  when you're not with that parent.
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  It's very hard to understand
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  that
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  I can love my mom and my dad even when I'm not with
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  both of them at the same time.
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  So,
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  there's,
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  it's hard for them to make sense of gray areas.
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  It's hard for them to make sense of vague nebulous concepts,
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  and they don't have abstract reasoning.
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  So those are kind of my overarching thoughts to address your question,
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  Deborah.
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  But
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  how do you actually
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  address it in the moment?
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  OK,
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  first and foremost,
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  your child needs to feel heard and understood and validated.
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  So it's not trying to distract,
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  it's not trying to convince,
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  it's not trying to persuade,
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  it's not trying to make them feel better.
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  It's just acknowledging
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  what they're saying,
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  how they're feeling,
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  what they're expressing.
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  Um,
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  you wish that you didn't have to go.
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  You don't want to get your shoes.
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  You,
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  you wish that you could stay here.
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  You don't like the idea of leaving right now.
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  The goal of the reflections.
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  And and let's go back to the skill.
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  It's reflecting feelings,
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  but it can also be reflecting
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  needs,
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  feelings,
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  wishes,
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  desires,
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  thoughts,
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  all kinds of other things too.
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  So sometimes we don't know the feeling per se,
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  but we might know the need,
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  the wish,
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  the desire.
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  So we're going to acknowledge that.
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  However,
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  the caveat is
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  it's acknowledged calmly,
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  neutrally,
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  and without emotion.
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  So,
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  Deborah,
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  your challenge is to say it as a fact.
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  You wish you didn't have to go.
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  The second you have a motion,
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  the 2nd you have a charge,
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  the second you have a reaction to it.
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  It's no longer going to serve the same purpose.
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  So the neutrality matters,
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  so we're going to validate.
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  There,
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  the child isn't wrong for what they think,
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  what they feel,
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  what their needs are.
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  Sometimes behavior needs a limit,
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  but
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  the feelings
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  and the thoughts and the needs are never wrong.
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  So,
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  we're going to just validate those.
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  And then we say a neutral fact
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  of expectation,
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  but it's time to go to your dad's house.
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  But it's Friday night and you go see your dad on Friday.
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  It's your dad's weekend,
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  so you're gonna go be with your dad for the weekend.
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  OK.
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  Now,
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  I would assume that this is court ordered or there's some kind of stipulation here.
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  You have to follow what
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  has been decreed by the courts or the judge or,
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  you know,
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  whoever decided on the custody arrangement.
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  If there's wiggle room.
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  You could give the child a choice.
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  You can choose to go today or you can choose to go tomorrow.
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  Which do you choose?
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  I don't know if it's a set schedule.
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  I don't really know.
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  There's all kinds of,
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  all kinds of options when it comes to custody.
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  So I don't want to speak out of turn.
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  But,
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  you know,
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  does the child have any measure of control?
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  That's another component of this.
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  The child feels powerless in this.
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  Child didn't choose to have to go between two homes.
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  Child didn't choose the schedule.
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  Child didn't choose the custody arrangement.
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  Child didn't choose when they go and when they don't.
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  Is there something they can have a choice over?
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  You can choose to go today or you can choose to go tomorrow.
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  You can choose to go right now or you can choose to go in 1 hour.
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  You can choose to stay with me tonight and then stay 2 days at Dad's.
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  I don't know,
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  whatever you can give in the way of a choice.
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  If the schedule is fixed
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  and there's no wiggle room there.
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  It's,
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  you can choose to
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  bring this stuffed animal with you or you can
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  choose to bring this stuffed animal with you.
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  You can choose to bring this pair of shoes with you or
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  you can choose to bring this pair of shoes with you.
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  You're trying to give a measure of control
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  back to a child that feels that they don't have any.
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  That's another component.
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  So,
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  we've tackled two skills.
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  So we're going to acknowledge
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  and validate the child's needs,
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  feelings,
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  wishes,
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  thoughts,
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  things like that.
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  We're also going to give as much
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  power and control back to the child as possible.
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  That's through choices.
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  And then the final consideration
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  is
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  we give age-appropriate truth.
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  So this is not I'm trying to make you feel better.
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  This is not I'm trying to cajole you.
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  I'm trying to.
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  Distract you from how you feel.
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  It's not,
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  well,
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  when I come see you tomorrow,
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  I'll take you to get ice cream.
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  That's
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  charged and all kinds of not CCPT.
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  So,
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  the neutral age-appropriate truth
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  is
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  you're gonna be there
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  for
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  all of tomorrow
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  and then the day after that,
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  I'm gonna pick you up.
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  Or
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  you're gonna be there for 3 hours,
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  and then when 3 hours are up,
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  you're gonna come home with me.
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  And
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  this is solid.
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  It's clear,
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  it's concrete.
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  It gives the child age-appropriate truth.
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  Because
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  the unknown is usually part of the concern.
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  How long am I gonna be there?
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  I don't know how to tell time.
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  I don't know.
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  It feels like it's forever.
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  I don't really know
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  how many
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  sleeps.
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  A lot,
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  a lot of parents talk in terms of sleeps.
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  Like it's gonna be 4 sleeps before we do whatever,
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  because you can't say 4 nights because night means nothing for a child.
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  So,
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  you're gonna sleep 4 times.
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  So,
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  there are ways.
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  To age appropriately,
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  share with
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  your child
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  how to know what is true
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  and what the expectations are,
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  and it's about consistency.
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  If you say that in 3 hours I'm going to pick you up,
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  you're there in 3 hours.
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  If you say
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  you're going to spend all day and then the next morning I'm going to get you,
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  it has to be consistent.
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  And the more predictable everything can be.
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  I mean,
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  for a toddler,
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  it's not really going to matter because they have no concept of time,
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  but as your child gets older.
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  The more predictable and consistent everything is.
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  I mean,
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  print it on a calendar for them,
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  give them a schedule,
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  help them know how many days they're at each place.
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  The unknown is what makes things trickier.
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  So if it eliminates the unknown and it's
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  very understood what's coming and why and when,
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  it will alleviate some of those
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  resistant frustrations as well.
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  So Deborah,
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  thank you so much.
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  I'm really glad we had a chance to talk about that.
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  If y'all have questions about other things related to your kids and your parenting,
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  please reach out,
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  Brenna at the kidcounselor.com.
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  I'd love to hear from you.
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  I love y'all.
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  Keep loving on your kids.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
• 11:57
  Thank you for listening to
• 11:59
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 12:06
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.