Latest / Wellness, Actually with Emily Oster & Perry Wilson, MD / Is Gentle Parenting Best? What the evidence says

Transcript

Is Gentle Parenting Best? What the evidence says · Wellness, Actually with Emily Oster & Perry Wilson, MD

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: This is parent data. I'm Emily Oster. It's the holidays.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Your kids are at home, they've been there for what
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: seems like a decade, and there's another decade before they
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: go back to school. You're probably questioning your parenting philosophy
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: or even the choice to parent at all. And when
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: we question our parenting philosophies, we start looking around for
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: other options. It's time to talk about gentle parenting.
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: Gentle parenting.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Gentle parenting Gentle parenting.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: Where you go beyond just saying no to your child.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: No longer is it because I said so or stop it.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: Instead, it's about identifying feelings and saying things like I
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: see that you're frustrated.
• 0:48
  Speaker 3: So.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: Respectful parenting is basically having an awareness of your child
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: or baby's perspective. We reject the notion of authoritarian discipline,
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: where you know the adult is the authority figure. Instead,
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: we're encouraging collaboration between the adult and a child.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: I'd love to be a gentle parent, I'm not.
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: This approach is not so gentle on the gentle parents.
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: If you're a gentle parent, your only form of discipline
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: your child is to acknowledge their feelings and just hope
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: they stop being a little jerk.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: This is one you know you've heard of. Maybe you're
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: thinking about it, maybe you're thinking about rejecting it. What
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: does the data really say? This podcast is a parent
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: data read aloud where I read an article that I wrote,
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: and this one's about a particularly juicy topic, So enjoy.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: If your Instagram feed is anything like mine, you hear
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: a lot about gentle parenting. It sounds promising, after all,
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: Based on the name, it would appear that the alternative
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: is something like harsh parenting, which I may occasionally veer
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: into but would certainly like to avoid. On the flip side,
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: it's been hard to miss the pushback in mainstream outlets
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: like The New Yorker or the New York Times, and
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: in any number of podcasts and sub sac articles. As
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: is my general approach to these things, my angle into
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: it is data. What does the evidence say about this trend?
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: Digging into the data prove to be difficult. The most
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: basic problem is that this approach to parenting isn't especially
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: well defined, which makes it hard to formally evaluate. I'll
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: talk more about this later, but in Cripsheet I wrote
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: about evidence based approaches to discipline, focusing on programs like one, two, three, Magic,
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: Triple Key, Positive Parenting, and the Incredible Years. Much of
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: the data is based on specific programs. We can evaluate
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: them because they are a specific combination of activities. Gentle
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: parenting is a more nebulous approach, so even the concept
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: of evidence is more complex. I'm almost daunted, but today
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: I'll make an attempt to talk through the trend with
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: the lens of data. I'm going to do three things. First,
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: I'll step back and look at what the evidence overall
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: suggests are the key components of a successful behavioral management approach. Second,
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: i'll discuss the evidence on gentle parenting specifically. Third, I'll
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: briefly touch on the question of timeouts, which I've written
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: about in more detail before. Finally, i will sum it
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: up before we get started. I worry a little bit
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: that this will be heard as a negative take on
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: gentle parenting. In my own parenting life, however, I have
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: found many of the tools and scripts extremely useful. My
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: younger child does respond well, at least some of the
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: time to a script that acknowledges anger and feelings. I've
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: taken a lot from the idea of using questions as
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: a way into hearing how my kids feel. These are
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: all part of the gentle parenting landscape. At the same time,
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: I have also made use of approaches from one or
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: three Magic that yes involves some timeouts. The ultimate message
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: is about finding what works for you. There are a
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: number of evidence based parenting interventions. I say evidence based
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: because these are programs that have been evaluated in randomized
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: controlled trials and shown to be effective at improving parent
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: child interactions for young children. These are not gentle parenting
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: specific interventions, but the broad lessons that come out of
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: them are extremely consistent with much of the gentle parenting rhetoric.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: So I think there is actually little disagreement on these points.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: I mean, it's parenting, so there's always some disagreement. But
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: here are three key shared elements. First, recognize that your
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: child is not an adult, and as such, your expectations
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: and reactions shouldn't be as if they were. If your
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: four year old throws an enormous tantrum about wearing their
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: purple pants, and then as soon as you put them on,
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: they decide that purple makes them want to vomit and
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: they cannot possibly wear these pants even though you are
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: now very very late for preschool. There is a temptation
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: to be like, what the is the matter with you?
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  Speaker 1: This would in fact be the appropriate reaction if this
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: was the behavior of your spouse. But kids aren't adults,
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: and getting angry at the irrationality is not going to
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: improve the situation related. Getting angry, yelling, or any type
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: of physical aggression or violence isn't likely to be effective.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: There is a large body of literature on physical punishments,
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: in particular like spanking, showing that they actually worsen later
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: behavior to surface. My personal views and do not believe
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: in spanking completely independent of anything in the data, but
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: in this case that is supported by research findings. Finally,
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: all of these approaches emphasize the importance of consistency around
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: rewards and consequences. Children react well to knowing what you expect.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: Whatever system for behavioral modification or discipline you are going
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: to adopt, it should be one that you and everyone
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: else in the caregiving sphere can follow through on. If
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: this is a system with warnings and timeouts, you follow
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: through on them every time. If it's a system more
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: focused on discussion and joint resolution of conflict, you do
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: that every time. This is similar to messages we give
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: about sleep training or potty training or anything else. There
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: are many approaches that can work. The key is to
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: pick one you can stick to. Okay, so that's the
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: big picture. Now let's get into the gentle parenting evidence
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: edits on gentleherenting. A complication of the data based approach
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: here is that gentle parenting isn't a well defined system.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: It's not easy to identify a single source of the
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: idea or where it came from. Jess Gross put it
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: well in a New York Times article, a sort of
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: open source milledge interpreted and remixed by moms across the country.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: This makes it hard to evaluate in a formal way
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: or produce data similar to what we have for approaches
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: like one, two three magic. Gentle parenting is a collection
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: of behaviors or approaches that focus on being responsive, taking
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: children's feelings seriously, setting and holding boundaries, and trying to
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: deal with difficult behaviors with discussion rather than punishment. It
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: is worth noting that a lot of what is discussed
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: in the rubri of gentrale parenting is exactly the same
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: as what is emphasized in other positive parenting approaches, understanding
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: that kids are not adults, not getting angry, being consistent,
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: no hitting. The lines are therefore a bit blurry, but
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: as I read more things came into focus. The key
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: differentiators no timeouts or similar timeout like punishments, and no rewards,
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: no sticker charts. In place of these, there are often
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: very thoughtful scripts that acknowledge children's feelings and attempt to
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: work through them. Rather then, please do not throw marbles
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: at the window. That's a warning, that's a second warning,
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: that's a timeout, but rather a version of Wow, you're
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: really angry and want to throw something. The problem is
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: windows are delicate. Would you like to throw a pillow
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: on the floor or stop your feet? Rather, then, if
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: you get ready quickly, you can have five minutes of
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: screen time. We get to something like making the game.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: Do you think you can put on your jacket and
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: shoes with your eyes closed? Given these key differentiators, I
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: went looking for evidence that would allow us to identify
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: whether these scripts were more effective or produced better long
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: term outcomes. The simple reality, though, is that data is
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: extremely limited. I found, for example, an article by Sarah
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: Ackwell Smith which ends by saying gentle parenting is evidence
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: based and lists a long string of benefits happier parents,
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: smarter kids, better emotional health, and so on. It reminded
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: me strongly of the lists of breastfeeding benefits when I
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: looked at the linked evidence, though it was both difficult
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: to interpret and not directly focused on gentle parenting practices specifically.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: For example, the paper cited to support the claim that
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: parents are happier with this method of parenting, titled ken
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: Putting your Child before Yourself Make You a Happier Person,
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: is one where parents filled out surveys about how child
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: centric their parenting was and how happy they were. Parents
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: who were more child centric were happier. Putting aside the
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: obvious causality issues here, this also isn't very specific to
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: any particular parenting approach or a paper titled Direct and
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: Indirect Links between parenting styles, self concealment Secrets, Impaired control
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: over drinking and alcohol related outcomes, which argues that authoritarian
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: as opposed to authoritative parenting styles from mothers were associated
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: with greater lying and alcohol use in children. But many
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: parenting styles are in the authoritative group, including things that
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: wouldn't fall under the gentle parenting rubric I didn't find
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: anything in the literature that was able to look specifically
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: at the efficacy of the features that distinct wuish gentle
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: parenting from these other positive parenting approaches. There is plenty
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: of data showing that these approaches work better than, say, spanking,
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: but there isn't anything concrete in the data that would
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: argue for the supremacy of gentle parenting. I want to
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: be clear that the converse is also true. There is
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: nothing here that suggests the primacy of any other approach
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: in this space. The data we have is simply not
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: complete enough to distinguish.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: Timeouts.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: It is important to address timeouts. Timeouts or similar are
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: a key part of many parenting behavior systems, and explicitly
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: not a part of the gentle parenting approach. An off
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: made argument is that timeouts are bad, that they cause
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: children trauma, and that it is necessary therefore to adopt
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: a parenting style that does not include it. Many though
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: who have argued against them. A paper which touts itself
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: as an empirical examination of timeouts, for example, does a
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: fairly extensive literature view on parenting interventions and argues that
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: the literature suggests timeouts can be an effective and non
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: problematic part of discipline. Another paper titled what is it
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: to Discipline a Child? What Should it be? A re
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: Analysis of time Out from the perspective of child mental health,
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: attachment and Trauma, makes a similar claim. These papers talk
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: about timeouts as part of a larger discipline approach. They
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: are far from a solution on their own, but they
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: have been used as part of successful evidence based parenting
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: interventions for decades. I know that there are reasonable people
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: who believe these approaches are problematic, but there simply isn't
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: any good evidence that this is the case. I know
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: there are those who argue that we can not be
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: sure and as a result we should not use them,
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: but the same could be said about virtually any choice
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: we make in parenting. Does this mean you have to
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: use timeouts? No, it does not. Timeouts do not feel
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: right to some people, and if they do not feel
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: right to you, do not use them. Personally, We use them,
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: but sparingly. We found in fact that the time a
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: child spends alone is restorative. The roll your own conclusion.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: The last point here on timeouts echoes what I think
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: is a larger takeaway from this. If we want to
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: be taking a data based approach to these parenting practices,
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: we should start with what we know from data, which
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: is don't hit, try not to yell or get angry,
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: and be consistent. The thing is there are a lot
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: of different ways to do this that would cover all
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: these bases. As with almost everything in parenting, there is
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: a tendency to try to adhere to a type. I
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: want to be an attachment parent, I want to be
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: a free range parent, I want to be a tiger parent.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: The reality, of course, is that you don't have to
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: adhere to type. Since your parenting journey is your own.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: You can take parts of these approaches and make them
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: work for you. What does it mean to make them
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: work for you? The main thing coming back to the
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: data is finding something that you can do consistently. Find
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: an overall approach that you've thought about in advance and
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: that is implementsable. This may mean taking something and slightly
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: modifying it. For example, we used a version of one
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: two three magic with my kids, but we could not
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: bring ourselves to use the language one two three. We
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: came up with that's a first warning, that's a second warning.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: Since it felt like something that worked for us. Or
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: it could mean doing something that is a more radical departure,
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: taking some pieces of one approach and some of another,
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: doing a version of Incredible Years but without the timeouts,
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: or on the flip side, taking some of the excellent
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: scripted lessons from Gentle Parenting but adding in your own
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: version of consequences. It may be that some of the
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: components of the gentle parenting approach really appeal, but the
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: realities of life make them difficult to follow through. One
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: the advice to pull your car over when your children
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: are fighting and start going again only when they stop,
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: may not be practical for many people, and doing this
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: inconsistently would be worse than consistently doing something else. In
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: the end, find what works for you and roll your
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: own within the evidence