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Transcript

S3 Ep11: Love Without Teeth 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, everybody.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Let's get this out of the way before we do anything else.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: Straight.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: Pretty unbelievable stuff, huh, gang?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Did you guys know that anybody can look bisexual?
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Did you know?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: Did you know that all of you can do whatever you want with your hair, face, and body, and that's up to you.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: You can do anything you want.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Now, of course, all of that being said, I am bisexual, but who cares?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: Who cares?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like saying I'm bisexual on stage because, like, I'm gay the way Michael Jordan played baseball.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Fine at it, but not what I'm known for.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: So we're going with straight.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: I've also landed on cisgender woman.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: Thought about it.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: I was raised a tomboy and I went to art school, so for like two weeks I thought I was non-binary.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: My pronouns are she, her, just less like a girl and more like a car or a boat.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know what I mean?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like some guy sees me and he's like, she's got a lot of miles, but her bones are good.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's sort of the space I occupy, gender-wise.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: I do mostly date men, and that's hell.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um that is hell, okay?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: I've dated some of the worst men in America.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if I had a quarter for every time I had sex with a man while the television show Rick and Morty was on in the background, yeah, might have enough quarters for that guy to finally wash his fucking sheets.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: Stains that can only be described as textural is what we're talking about here.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: And dating shitty guys, it really fucks up your standards for dating, you know?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like I was recently having a conversation with another woman, and she told me that the standard for dating, like the lowest bar, is that a man should spend no less than$300 on a date with you.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks, two people.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: Why are we not all audibly gasping?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Listen, I don't know exactly how much tickets to this show were, but I know they weren't$300.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I also know a lot of you are gonna fuck the guy that brought you here after this.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: So let's stop acting like I'm crazy.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: That was cute.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: You touched her knee, now she has to.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um that's nice.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: My standard for dating is like the most a man has ever spent on a date with me is I don't know, however much plan B costs.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just kidding, don't worry, it's$49.99.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: I pay for it.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: $39.99 if you go to Costco, ladies, buy it in bulk, okay?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: I should warn you though, if you do buy it in bulk, it does become plan A.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: So be careful with that.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying if it's in the medicine cabinet, you're taking it.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: Especially these days.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry for bringing that up.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: Just kidding, I'm not sorry.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: Can't you tell by my face and vibe that I always bring up what the Supreme Court is up to?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a white lady who lives in New York.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's our favorite thing to do, okay?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: You guys got a little weird on that one.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Did a bunch of pro-life people sneak into this Manhattan loft?
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: Is that if that somehow happened, you guys should know that I've never had an abortion, okay?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: I have taken enough plan B to kill a horse, though.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm the whore they talk about on Fox News.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's me.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: I've been here the whole time.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: I was right here.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's me.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: I've dated so many bad guys that this year I had to make my New Year's resolution to stop fucking losers.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, thanks, one woman clapping.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Men never clap when I say that.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: They're always like, no! What if they all stop, you know?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: Who's gonna fuck me on my mom's couch or whatever?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Not me, hopefully.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the thing, gang, New Year's resolution, no more fucking losers.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: January 4th, fucked a poet.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe next year.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, a poet?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Gross.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: He kept using synonyms.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: During.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like halfway through us having sex, I was like, yeah, man, I don't think you're gonna adorn my face with cum, actually.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, now this is interesting.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: I've been doing that joke for a while now, and everybody used to laugh, and now I watched some of the women get weird.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: Are we not letting them do that anymore?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because if we're not, you guys gotta fucking tell me, man.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: I can't be the only one letting them do that.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna lose an eye.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's us.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: So I had sex with him a second time as a form of self-harm or whatever.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I was trying to make it better than the first time.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: So I asked him, I was like, okay, what's your favorite kind of sex to have?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: And he said, to my face, the same one I let him bust on.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, okay.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, my favorite kind of sex is tender sex with someone I'm in love with.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yuck, dude, ew! Unanimous yuck in the room.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: Gross! I was like, oh man, I knew you were a poet.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know you were a pussy.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: The sauce! While we were having sex, he kissed me on the forehead.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: He should be arrested.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: That's crazy.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: I have bangs, he had to move them.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's premeditated, dude.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: Go immediately to jail.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: That sucks.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I don't know, spit in my mouth, choke me, prove you like me, right?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Stop fucking me like I'm your wife who has cancer.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, that joke is more fun for me than it is for you.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: Because I get to find out who's cool and who feels bad for fictional cancer-wise.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: She's completely made up.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Also, in the story, she's getting fucked lovingly and gently.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: She couldn't be happier.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I guess she could be a little happier.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: If she didn't have all that damn cancer.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, how's this?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: Ready?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: She's in remission.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: There you go.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Great.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Good.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Unless you don't like this next one, and then she's fucking dead.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: And that's on you, and you should know she's kind and beautiful.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: She's a fighter.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: Um.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, man.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: I had to put a stop to fucking losers.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Because here's the thing.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: Last summer I went on the worst date of my life.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: I met a man on Hinge, not my preferred dating app.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a Tinder girl.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: I like guys with hand tattoos and union jobs.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: And they are on Tinder, okay?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: They can't read good enough for Hinge.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: They are visual learners.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: Those are my boys.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: Those are my boys.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: I like them that way.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: But I met this guy on Hinge and we went on a date and everything was going very well.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: He showed up with flowers.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: It turns out when a man brings flowers to a first date, he also brought a secret.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: And oh boy, was this one a doozy?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: This guy showed up to a date with me with flowers and two teeth in his whole fucking head.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks, some of you.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um half of your faces didn't change when I said that.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want me to say it differently?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because I can.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: This guy was missing roughly 30 fucking teeth.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's a bonker's number of teeth to not bring on a first date.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: And this guy thought he could fuck me.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know what that does to a woman psychologically?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: When a fucking jack-o'-lantern shows up in the middle of July and is like, no, I brought flowers.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: That'll get her.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Also, why did you bring flowers?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: Save money for tea if you don't have any.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: And, and I hate to break this to you guys, that was not the worst thing about him.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: He was also short.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just kidding.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: That wasn't it either, but he sure was.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: The worst thing about him was he admitted to me five minutes into our first date that one time he murdered a guy.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Shut up, none of us were there, we don't know what happened.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: He says it was self-defense.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: I only heard one side of the story, obviously.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: The only thing that we know for sure is the worst thing about me is that wasn't the deal breaker.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: It was a hundred percent the teeth.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, I killed a guy, and I was like, oh my god, a man with a past.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: And then he was like, also, I don't have any teeth, and I was like, that's actually too much past.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: And here's the thing, I know that these jokes are like mean or whatever, because it's not that guy's fault, he doesn't have any teeth, and it's not his fault he had to kill that guy, hopefully, if he's telling the truth.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: But if you think these jokes are mean, you should know that at the end of the day, I kissed him.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: So you guys kiss a five foot four, by the way, toothless murderer?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: And then you get to tell me who's fucking nice, alright?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, I'm the nicest person in this room.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm the reason there isn't a guy back there right now with no teeth and a gun.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: I did that.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying, not all heroes wear capes.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Some of us wear target lingerie, and we're doing more to keep you safe than any senator or whatever.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: I did not fuck the guy with no teeth.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's important for me to say that into a microphone because nobody in my life believes me.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't do it.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: I did not fuck the guy with no teeth.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: I did, however, let him send me a picture of his penis for science.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the thing.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: Gang, biggest dick I've seen in my life.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: In my life.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: I saw it, I was like, what did you get hard one time and knock your teeth out with that thing?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: You guys are a lot of fun.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: My name is Lizzie Cassidy.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: Enjoy the rest of the show.