Latest / High Level Wife Podcast with Chelsey Holm / Stop Waiting for Your Spouse to Go First

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Stop Waiting for Your Spouse to Go First · High Level Wife Podcast with Chelsey Holm

• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the High Level Wife Podcast.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Chelsea Holm, your hostess, and we do marriage God's way here.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: And right now we're in the middle of a series on intimacy.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: And you're probably asking, if God is my heart, intimacy is covenant, how do we actually pursue each other?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, the answer is going to be surprisingly simple for you.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and what I'm gonna do today is I'm going to flip the worldly question of who goes first on his head.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: So we're calling this one stop waiting for your spouse to go first.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: The gospel ends the stalemate.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think one of Satan's greatest strategies in marriage is getting two people to wait.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: He waits, she waits.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: He wants respect before he pursues.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: He wants pursuit before she opens her heart.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: He says, when she, but she says when he.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then the years go by and the marriage isn't explode exploding.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's slowly dying because no one wants to go first.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so then what do we do?
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: We go after what we are confident that we can do well and be received, right?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Typically, a man will go after his career and the success there, and a woman will go after her children with success there.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then what happens?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, those kids leave the nest, eventually he retires or whatever, and then they're staring at each other and they have no idea who each other is anymore.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so we're not doing that here.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: That is not marriage God's way.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: The gospel is going to answer the question for us.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Romans 5 8 says, But God demonstrates his own love for us in this.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to notice that Christ didn't wait until we got a little bit better, right?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't say when they repent or when they deserve it, when they pursue me, he pursued first.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And every marriage has a choice.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: You can live according to reciprocity.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Say that five times fast, right?
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do my part when you do yours, or grace, right?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: You hear out there if marriage is 50-50.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: No, it is not.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: There is a head and there is a helper.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: There are not two heads, and there is not no head and equal partnership, right?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: We are equal in value in the sight of the Lord, but he created us with different designs and different functions.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: We aren't saying, great, so I'll obey Christ because he first loved me.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: That is what we're saying, right?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's the gospel.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: So this doesn't mean becoming a doormat.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Let's be clear on that.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to back up a little bit here.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Just go to go back to that marriage has a choice, right?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: That that waiting, that I'll do my part when you do yours, right?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what we are saying is that grace says, I'll obey Christ because he first loved me.
• 3:36
  unknown: Right.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: I think I said that a little bit backwards.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I wanted to reiterate that because that is the gospel, right?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: We submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: We see that in Ephesians 5, 21.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: I think 21.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but that's that's that's what this means.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: But it doesn't mean being in doorbed.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: It going first doesn't mean that we ignore abuse or enable sin.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean that we pretend everything is okay, right?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: We just check out and disassociate.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: No, it doesn't mean that we never confront or bring our concerns, and it doesn't, it doesn't mean abandoning boundaries.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: You need to understand that Jesus pursued sinners, but he never partnered with sin.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Your sins are forgiven.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now go on sinning no more, because grace and truth always walked together, and they still do.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: We pursue because we've been pursued.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't that a different perspective, a different concept?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: I told you we're flipping this on its head.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: John writes that we love because he first loved us, not we love because our spouse first loved us.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: This changes everything, doesn't it?
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now my obedience isn't dependent on my spouse's behavior.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, flipped on its head.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's rooted in Christ's love.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing waiting feels safe, but it's very expensive, it's very costly, right?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, waiting is gonna protect your pride, your fear, your ego, but waiting doesn't build intimacy because someone has to choose courage, right?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Did David wait to approach Goliath?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: No, he marched right out there, right?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: He chose courage.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Someone has to soften and initiate, or else nobody's ever gonna initiate.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Someone has to apologize and go first, someone has to pray.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Someone has to reach across the couch and someone has to ask, can we start again?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my husband and I, when we have points of contention in our conversations, I always reiterate that hey, we're on the same team, we're one flesh, we're moving together in the same direction.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: We're on mission together.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes he has to call me back and say that, right?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And and maybe you're it feels really one-sided right now where you're doing all that.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: But listen, God sees you being faithful and trusting him, he sees you moving first, he sees you going first, and he honors you for that because you're creating the space of invitation.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about what pursuit actually looks like.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Pursuit isn't grand gestures.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my goodness.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: All the times that I thought, right, my husband would ask me, you know, how can I pursue you better?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then I would give him this list of things that right, kind of getting into the love languages and love tanks kind of thing, right?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: But when I actually got honest with myself and with him in that, he could do all of those things perfectly, and I still wouldn't feel completely pursued because because all of that is asking him to do what only God can do.
• 7:04
  unknown: Right.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's not grand gestures, it's literally daily faithfulness, right?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds like praying together.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Can I pray with you?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds like I was wrong in this.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Can you forgive me?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds like invitation of let's let's let's study God's word together.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds like, or it looks like holding each other's hand, right?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Not waiting for him to hold your hand, but you grabbing his hand, right?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: It it's it's you not waiting for the perfect conditions, but you creating the ideal conditions to invite him upstairs, right?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's that connection of you asking, tell me what's been on your heart.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's going first and saying, I'd love to spend more time with you tonight, right?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's you putting your phone down and you eliminating all of the distractions that you are able on your end to create that space in that environment and that atmosphere.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's those tinier moments, it's repeated consistently, right?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's what we do consistently that builds our life over time, and that builds extraordinary marriages when it is in full surrender to the Lord and overflow from the Lord.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: The Holy Spirit empowers pursuit, and this is the key difference.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is not self-help because your flesh says protect yourself, keep score, wait.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: The Holy Spirit says, forgive, serve, love, initiate, encourage, lay down your life.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: The Christian life has always been impossible apart from the spirit, and marriage is no different.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: So ask yourself, where am I waiting instead of obeying?
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Have I made my obedience dependent on my spouses?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Is my hesitation rooted in wisdom, or is it rooted in fear?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then what is that fear?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Go to the Lord and ask him, what is the fear here?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Identify it, reveal it, expose it to me.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Help me understand, Lord, what's going on under the surface?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Where is this coming from?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: What is one active pursuit I can make today, regardless of the response?
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: So imagine if both husband and wife stop asking who's going first and started asking, what would love do?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't worldly love, right?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Worldly love is the complete opposite.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is flipped upside down.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: This is Christ's love.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's love that moves first, serves first, forgives first, love that lays down its life first.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's how Jesus loved us, and that's how marriage has become a living picture of the gospel.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: In the next episode, we're going to look at one of the greatest enemies of intimacy.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's not conflict or even poor communication.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, it's not even busyness, it's keeping score because the moment love becomes transactional, we've stopped reflecting Christ.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Get out your notepad.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Here's those money lines.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: The gospel ended the stalemate when Christ chose to move first.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Your obedience to God should never be held hostage by your spouse's obedience.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Waiting often feels like wisdom, but many times it's simply fear wearing a disguise.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Love doesn't ask who's going first.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Love asks, how can I reflect Christ today?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy marriages aren't built by two people keeping score.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: They're built by two people continually responding to the grace they've already received.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because that is how we have eyes to see our spouse as God first sees him, because we understand who we are in Christ, that we stand in the finished work of the cross, that we are new creations, and because of that, we are then able to love as Christ loved us without waiting or hesitating.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you on the next episode.