Latest / Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast / Understanding Grief and the Strong Friend

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Understanding Grief and the Strong Friend · Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast

• 0:16
  Good morning, good morning and welcome back to Rise and Thrive
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  with Doctor J Nicole, where we are rising in faith and thriving
• 0:23
  in purpose. Today's episode is one that's
• 0:27
  deeply personal and we're going to be talking about grief.
• 0:31
  Some of you may know because I posted on social that I lost my
• 0:35
  mom on December 17th. She lost the battle with cancer.
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  It was in her lungs and spread to her brain.
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  And I'm typically like the strong friend that's checking in
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  on everyone else. And so this is obviously a
• 0:49
  season where a lot of people are reaching out to me and asking me
• 0:53
  what I need. And so it was very important for
• 0:55
  me to take a pause and to think about what I do need.
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  And having experienced significant loss and grief in my
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  history, there's a lot of things that I did not do well or do
• 1:08
  properly or healthily. And I'm determined to not do
• 1:12
  that this time around and to do it as healthily as I can and to
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  practice what I promote with the people that I'm so blessed to
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  support as therapist, friend and you know, any other capacities
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  that people are, are in my life. And so in doing that, coming up
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  with my list, you know, the light bulb went on.
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  It said, well, Jeannie, other people need this too.
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  Other people, if they're not the strong friend, they're friends
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  to the strong friend. This episode is going to be
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  helpful whether you are the strong friend or supporting one,
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  right? And anyone that listens, you'll
• 1:46
  leave with a better understanding of grief support
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  and just also like what healing can really look like.
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  All of us love someone who has or will experience grief and
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  it's going to be really important to know how to help
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  them. Or also sometimes they need to
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  know how to help us when we're going through that season
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  because we don't always know how to grieve is one of those things
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  that people that people do not talk about.
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  And grief has a way of exposing gaps and what we believe and
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  what we've been taught. Strength looks like healing,
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  faith, and even support. Many of us are taught how to
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  survive, but not how to be held, not how to receive that support
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  and that goodness without it being experienced as weakness.
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  We've also been taught how to show up for others.
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  So today, we're going to slow things down.
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  We're going to talk about why grief can feel so disoriented,
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  why the strong friend often goes unseen in grief, what grief
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  actually looks like beneath the surface, and how attachment
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  patterns shape. How we ask for and or avoid help
• 3:02
  during grief. What healthy support really
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  looks like, and how faith can hold grief without rushing it.
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  OK, so my hope is that by the end of this episode, you feel
• 3:16
  less confused about what you're feeling or experiencing, that
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  you're more compassionate with yourself and others.
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  So let's begin. One of the first things I want
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  to normalize is grief doesn't just affect your emotions, it
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  affects your capacity and capacity.
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  This is your ability to think clearly, to regulate your
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  emotions, make decisions, and even carry out daily tasks.
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  And grief reduces capacity, often suddenly and without
• 3:48
  warning. That's why people who are
• 3:51
  grieving often say things like, I don't feel like myself, I
• 3:55
  think I'm OK. Everything feels harder than it
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  should, right? This is not personal failure,
• 4:02
  but a biological response. So what happens with grief is
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  that it activates your nervous system the same way other major
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  stressors do. Except grief doesn't resolve as
• 4:15
  quickly. Your body is adjusting to a
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  world that no longer looks or feels the same.
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  So that's why logic doesn't fix grief and why staying busy does
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  not heal it. Busyness can also distract you,
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  but it doesn't help your nervous system to integrate the loss.
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  Your body needs time and your mind.
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  It needs meaning and your spirit needs space.
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  So let's talk about the strong friend.
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  The strong friend. They're reliable, emotionally
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  regulated, high functioning, responsible, the one that others
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  lean on. And because of that, people
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  often assume, oh, they'll be fine.
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  Oh, they don't need any as much. They don't need as much.
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  They're handling it like, you know, they got it right.
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  You, you, you'll hear those types of things.
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  But strength can become camouflage, and it's very easy
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  to hide behind the strong. Friend is often grieving
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  quietly. They'll still show up, they'll
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  still get dressed, they'll still go to work.
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  They still function. And because they don't look like
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  what they're going through, their grief can go unnoticed.
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  Here's something important to understand.
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  Grief doesn't always look like falling apart.
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  Sometimes it looks like holding everything together with effort.
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  The strong friend often doesn't ask for help, not because they
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  don't need it, but because they've learned early that
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  needing help wasn't safe. It wasn't available or reliable.
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  And grief challenges this belief.
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  One reason grief feels heavier than expected is because it
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  rarely arrives alone. There's usually a primary loss,
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  So that would look like the person, the relationship, the
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  role. It feels like a job of some
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  sort. And the actual reality, your
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  reality changes when there's a primary loss, but then it's
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  attached to secondary losses. And so that can look like a loss
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  of routine, a loss of safety, loss of identity, loss of future
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  expectation, you know, plans that you made, a loss of
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  belonging or emotional anchoring.
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  So let me give you an example. When a parent dies, the primary
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  loss is a person. So in my case, right like that
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  would be my mother. The secondary loss can include
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  the loss of guidance. Like my mom, she would always
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  send Bible scriptures, right? So I don't get those on my phone
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  anymore. And really, it stopped as the
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  cancer progressed, right? So it's a loss of family
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  structure or the feeling of having someone in your corner.
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  Like, have you ever had that experience where you went to
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  pick up the phone to call somebody and you have to
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  remember they're no longer here? Like I can no longer call them,
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  right? So that's that's it.
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  OK. And like, or even for instance,
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  if a marriage ends, the primary loss is the relationship.
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  Secondary losses may look like loss of community, loss of
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  financial stability, or loss of the version of yourself that
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  existed in the role and the plans and the expectations that
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  were attached to that. So when people try to move on
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  too quickly, they often address the primary loss, but then they
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  ignore the secondary ones and acknowledging unacknowledged
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  losses don't disappear, they wait.
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  And that waiting is often what people experience as lingering
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  grief, confusion, emotional heaviness.
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  And there are so many other ways in which it can show up.
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  So we're going to talk a little bit about unhealthy grief.
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  Unhealthy grief, right? So this is the grief in the
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  waiting that's buried, that maybe has grown roots that we've
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  put off, and it often will show up in an unhealthy way.
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  And so when people think of unhealthy grief, they often
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  imagine someone that's just visibly falling apart.
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  But unhealthy grief can look very functional.
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  It can look like overworking. How many people do you know
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  things are going wrong in their life?
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  They throw themselves into work or they throw themselves into
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  school. It can look like over
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  functioning. So they're always doing
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  something. They're moving around the house,
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  they got to clean up. They're worried about everyone
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  else's business. They're also avoiding stillness
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  and using distractions to outrun emotions.
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  And there's all sorts of distractions that we can get
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  into. OK, that can look like jumping
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  into a relationship. It can look like drinking.
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  It can look like sex. It can look like gambling.
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  It can look like overeating, sleeping too much.
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  It's like busy. OK, like just doing a lot other
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  ways that unhealthy grief can look.
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  It can look like judging yourself.
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  We're still hurting because it's been enough time.
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  I shouldn't feel this way anymore, is what I've heard
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  people say before. Right?
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  Like, grief takes as long as it takes.
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  And you know, it's not a good feeling.
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  And a lot of times we just want to rush through it and be over,
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  when really we have to allow ourselves to actually process
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  it, to feel it, to release it. I'm not saying wallow in it, but
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  we have to let it do what it needs to do and we put a lot of
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  effort into running from it. It can also look like, in terms
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  of unhealthy grief, it looks like pretending you're fine
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  because others expect you to be. Now this is a hard one, right?
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  Because you're wearing almost like a double mask at that
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  point. And unhealthy grief, We have to
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  understand it's not about feeling too much as much as it
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  is about not allowing yourself to feel at all.
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  And here's a simple truth I want to share and you better
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  understand. If everything is a seed, OK?
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  So anything buried alive will grow.
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  And so that seed of suppressed grief is sprouts.
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  And over time, it could grow into anxiety, numbness,
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  depression, compulsive behaviors, or, and, or because
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  it's not uncommon for folks to have a combination of these.
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  Spiritual disconnection feeling isn't about staying in grief
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  forever. It's about allowing grief to
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  move, allowing it to flow so that it doesn't harden or going
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  back to that seed reference so that it does not sprout, grow,
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  bear fruit, and plant roots. It's a lot harder to pull that
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  back up once it becomes deeply rooted.
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  And for some people, I've seen it where grief has completely
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  changed the way that they live their life.
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  It's had an impact on their personality because they need to
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  do the work. It doesn't mean that it's it
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  can't be undone. There's work that has to be
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  done, things have to be dug up and unearthed if you allow it to
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  be buried. So how do you feel without
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  falling apart? We're going to get into that a
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  little bit now, right? So there is a difference between
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  feeling grief and being consumed by it.
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  So to feel the grief, this means naming what hurts.
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  And that's going to look different from day-to-day.
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  Trust me, I know. So we have to name it, right?
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  And then allowing the emotions to move.
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  So that can look like any number of things.
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  It can look like you just need to be still.
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  You might feel random crying. If you feel the urge to like
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  numb, that's indicator that your grief is trying to tell you
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  something and you're avoiding. OK.
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  Something that's so important that I don't think a lot of us
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  do enough of is offering self compassion.
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  We have the tenderness, the grace we hold space for and care
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  for everyone else and we don't even give ourselves a fraction
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  of that. So self compassion looks like
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  each day checking in to see what do you have capacity for that
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  day? So someone share with me like
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  each day using the spoon method, right?
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  So say your best maximum capacity is 8 spoons, OK, but we
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  know every single day is not going to be an 8 spoon day,
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  right? So what this would look like
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  each day and sometimes throughout the day.
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  But when you're starting your day, take a moment of silence
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  and assess how you feel. How many spoons are present?
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  Is it 6? Is it 3?
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  Is it 1? Whatever your number is?
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  And then I want you to commit to, if it's a six spoon day,
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  we're going to do 6 spoon things.
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  So that does not mean trying to do things that require an 8
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  because you know what's going to happen.
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  You're not going to be able to do it because remember, grief
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  impacts your capacity. So you're looking to do
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  something that you don't have the energy, the capacity, the
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  focus, whatever is required to do that day.
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  And then you're going to feel bad about yourself because
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  you're expecting you to operate at your highest capacity.
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  So there's a lack of acceptance in the moment.
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  It doesn't mean that your complete failure and that you
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  can't do it anymore. It's just that that day, it's a
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  six spoon day. So we going to conquer this six
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  spoon day. And guess what?
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  You accumulate positives in the process because you're able to
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  get things done. So you feel good about yourself
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  and then you don't feel like the whole day is awash and you might
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  start out your day. So say you start out with a six
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  and then like on a day like today, it drops down to 4.
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  Adjust your day accordingly. We have been programmed and
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  conditioned to just push through.
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  We don't have to do that. But getting back on topic,
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  helping you understand what being consumed by grief might
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  mean and what it may look like. OK, so this looks like letting
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  it define your entire identity. So for some people, you know,
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  they say things like, I'll never be the same again.
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  I'm never going to hurt, I'll never let go, or my heart is
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  going to be forever broken. You hear, you hear these things.
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  And I don't think individuals recognize what they're saying.
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  They're saying I'm going to always hurt.
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  So then at that moment, they're choosing to hold on.
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  And guess what? That's going to change you.
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  And that seeps into your identity.
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  Another way that it looks like to be consumed by grief is to
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  lose all structure. And I don't mean, you know,
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  taking it a few days. It means like your complete life
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  falls apart. You don't know up from down.
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  You're you're spinning, OK. And that could also be coupled
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  with feeling hopeless or stuck. And so again, I want to
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  reiterate, the goal is not to resist grief and it's not to
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  drown in it either. The goal is to find a middle
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  path so you can feel deeply but remain whole.
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  And that's why structure is important and going about your
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  day and doing as many regular things as possible.
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  Also acknowledging that there are days where you just don't
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  have it. Be honest with yourself.
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  Make it a day where you catch up on some of those shows you've
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  been wanting to binge for a while but just haven't had time
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  to. It's OK to do that sometimes,
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  but when that turns into multiple days and weeks, and for
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  some people even months, that's where it can get danger.
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  So give yourself a room. But structure is important.
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  Support absolutely helps. Stop trying to be God's
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  strongest soldier. He didn't ask you to do that.
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  You're doing that because you're not giving it to him.
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  And then he'd be like, God, why you?
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  Why? Why did I get the strongest
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  soldier package this year? Because you picked it up.
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  Give it to God. Give it to God.
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  You have to surrender it. You can't get through this on
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  your own. God will send you people.
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  There are people who love and care about you very much.
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  And as I shared earlier, I came up with a list of ways that
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  people can support me. And I'll be honest, in prior
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  seasons of my life where I experienced grief, I didn't tell
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  people or I said something after the fact.
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  Like it meant a lot to me that they didn't take my withdrawing
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  my isolation personally. And I acknowledge that, you
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  know, I didn't have the capacity, but I didn't have the
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  language at that time to tell them that.
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  And this time around I said, I'm not doing that.
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  So I came up with a list and I'm letting people do what they feel
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  comfortable with. And I made sure that I was clear
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  with them and saying it's not an expectation that you do anything
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  as much as you show up with what capacity you have to support me.
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  Because just because my world it's topsy turvy right now with
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  the loss of a mother, it doesn't mean that they have to
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  miraculously have nothing going on and run to my side.
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  Like that's not how that that works at all.
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  So this is where you know, you can do loose planning.
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  So that's a version of planning these saying, hey, these are
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  what my needs are. Help where you can.
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  And I'm not going to take it personally.
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  And we also have to remember this is not about control, but
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  it's about compassion. Compassion for yourself as
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  you're going through this, compassion for others while
• 19:06
  they're supporting you. OK, so I said I was going to
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  talk a little bit about attachment and how this shows up
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  in grief because this is critically important.
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  OK. So attachment is basically how
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  we show up in our relationships and it's first shaped like your
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  blueprint for your attachment. It shows up and from birth to 18
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  months, the initial blueprint. And this is the experience that
• 19:34
  you have with their caregivers and how responsive they are or
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  the lack thereof of being responsive to your needs or
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  inconsistency to your needs during that birth to 18 month
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  period. And so you adjust as a result of
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  that and it continues on throughout your life, right.
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  And so and there actually go back and watch the attachment
• 20:00
  episode with Brittany Livingston.
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  We get into it a little bit more there if you want more also that
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  I'm not redoing the episode essentially, but I do want to
• 20:09
  equip you with a few things. So basically your attachment
• 20:12
  style looks at avoidance and anxiety.
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  We all experience a level of avoidance and anxiety in every
• 20:20
  single one of our relationships and depending upon how much
• 20:24
  anxiety and avoidance you experience.
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  That determines your attachment style and it can change from
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  season to season of your life and the healing that you invest
• 20:35
  in. So that means you'll fall into
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  the category of secure attachment, anxious attachment
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  avoidant, like dismissive avoidant or disorganized.
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  And I know the labels don't sound that great, but this was
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  what they, you know, label them based on the behaviors exhibited
• 20:52
  by individuals with these. And so as you can guess, anxious
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  attachment means they're highly anxious avoidant, they're going
• 21:01
  to withdraw. And the disorganized, just to be
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  clear, that's a combination of the avoidance and heightened
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  anxiety. So a person can be really close
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  and then they'll suddenly pull away.
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  So that's why it's called disorganized because you don't
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  know what to expect. All right, So not labeling
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  anybody, just giving you groundwork so that you can hear
• 21:24
  it and receive it and kind of understand it to give you
• 21:28
  context. So some people can cope with
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  grief, like I said, by pulling away.
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  It also can look like minimizing your needs, avoiding
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  vulnerability. Others might cope by seeking
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  reassurance, wanting closeness, feeling the stress when support
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  feels inconsistent. And neither response is wrong.
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  The patterns are just shaped by attachment and by how we learn
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  to seek comfort when we hurt. Grief tends to intensify
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  whatever pattern already exists. And the work is not to judge
• 22:04
  your pattern, it's to be curious with it.
• 22:07
  It's to understand it so you can choose support that actually
• 22:16
  helps. We don't want this to go and
• 22:20
  become worse, right? We don't want your relationships
• 22:23
  to fracture as a result of this. So if you love someone who's
• 22:29
  grieving, especially the strong friend, here's what helps.
• 22:34
  I want you to make specific offers rather than vague ones.
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  So let me give you an example. You can say I'll bring you
• 22:44
  dinner on Tuesday instead of let me know if you need anything.
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  Yes, it's an open call, but they're so sometimes individuals
• 22:54
  are so consumed with emotions, they can't even think straight.
• 22:58
  They may not even have an appetite.
• 23:00
  You also want to do some consistent check insurance
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  without pressure, right? So it can be like, hey, thinking
• 23:08
  of you, how are you feeling today, those sorts of things.
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  And it does not, it does not require a response.
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  And you're OK, That's that. And you send this without the
• 23:22
  expectation of a response. And if you get one, fantastic,
• 23:27
  right? But sometimes people don't have
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  the capacity or it may take them a little bit longer to respond
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  than it normally would. Their phones may be on silent
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  because they don't want to communicate with anyone they
• 23:42
  don't have it to offer to. Now this next one can be a
• 23:48
  little difficult. You have to be present without
• 23:53
  fixing. Sometimes they just need a
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  loving presence to not feel like you are alone, to just be there.
• 24:02
  Watch the movie so they don't feel like they have to entertain
• 24:06
  you. They don't have to host, they
• 24:09
  don't have to cook, they don't have to talk.
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  Just be there. It's so important.
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  And here's the other thing, don't try to give advice unless
• 24:21
  they've asked. You can kind of keep those
• 24:23
  Silver Linings for now, right? Because this is in the
• 24:26
  beginning. They just need steadiness.
• 24:29
  Meet them where they are and you might misstep sometimes, right?
• 24:34
  Like you want them to feel better.
• 24:35
  It's hard to see people that you love go through things.
• 24:39
  So it's going to be important to respect boundaries,
• 24:44
  well-intentioned and is not received well.
• 24:48
  Respect that, don't take it personally.
• 24:50
  And also know that help doesn't mean unlimited access.
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  So that doesn't mean that you have to do everything or try to
• 24:56
  become everything for them because then you get worn out
• 25:00
  and burnt out in the process. Now you can be curious with them
• 25:04
  and ask them about their feelings and if they have the
• 25:06
  capacity to speak and share, they'll do it.
• 25:11
  And if not, OK now if you are the strong friend.
• 25:18
  Receiving help. Does not erase your strength, it
• 25:22
  expands it. Receive it.
• 25:24
  Communicate your needs, acknowledge your limits, share
• 25:28
  them appropriately and if. You're not sure what?
• 25:31
  That is, take some time to think about it and this is a great
• 25:37
  time to get into therapy, pick up some healthy habits like
• 25:42
  journaling so that you are expressing because I recognize
• 25:47
  not everyone has access to to therapy or to be able to go or
• 25:51
  can afford it for whatever reasons.
• 25:54
  That doesn't mean that you can't still be supported.
• 25:57
  Now for people of faith, grief can really feel confusing,
• 26:01
  right? Because you believe in God and
• 26:04
  we believe that God is good and yet and still we feel
• 26:08
  devastated. Know that you can trust God.
• 26:12
  You can go to God even if you're angry because you might be mad
• 26:15
  at God like God. Why did you take them from me?
• 26:19
  Why are you allowing this to happen?
• 26:22
  You might feel disoriented. You might feel all sorts of
• 26:25
  things that are not pleasant that.
• 26:29
  Does not change the. Character of God and Scripture
• 26:33
  makes room for this. This is known as lament, and you
• 26:37
  see this a lot in the Old Testament.
• 26:39
  When I was going through the Bible this past year, I noticed
• 26:43
  how when they experience loss in Greek, the Bible would describe
• 26:47
  them as like tearing their clothing and crying out and
• 26:50
  falling to the ground. Like, it's very dramatic the way
• 26:54
  that they express, but I think the beauty in that is that
• 26:58
  they're not. They weren't holding it.
• 27:00
  They let it out. They cried out, they hollered,
• 27:04
  they like the energy was expelled, right?
• 27:08
  They released it. And know that.
• 27:12
  Lamenting is not the absence of faith.
• 27:15
  Is faith spoken and experienced and felt honestly.
• 27:20
  Grief does not mean that you've lost God.
• 27:23
  It means that you are a human and a broken world.
• 27:28
  We're all going to experience grief.
• 27:30
  We all have. And all too often we think it's
• 27:33
  just about death. It happens in other ways.
• 27:37
  They're smaller disappointments, and we experience grief with
• 27:40
  them as well. And I want to remind you, faith
• 27:44
  does not require pretending then.
• 27:48
  In vice the presence. Of God, the Holy Spirit.
• 27:51
  God is near to the broken hearted.
• 27:53
  God is waiting for you to surrender.
• 27:56
  God wants you to lean on him. So I want you to consider that
• 28:03
  this season of grief is actually an invitation from God.
• 28:07
  And the question is, are you going to accept the invitation?
• 28:10
  God will heal you in a way that no man or no thing in this earth
• 28:18
  can. Those are only temporary fixes,
• 28:22
  and you'll continue to look for the next thing to make you feel
• 28:27
  better. Because it only lasts.
• 28:30
  For so long you're chasing those hits of dopamine and oxytocin
• 28:38
  and endorphins, when all of those are good, but God's
• 28:43
  presence is the same. Yesterday.
• 28:48
  Today and forever. So if you take nothing else from
• 28:52
  this episode, know this grief is not a problem to solve.
• 28:57
  It's a process to. Honor.
• 29:01
  And you're not grieving. Wrong.
• 29:03
  You're not grieving weak, and you are not behind.
• 29:08
  You are exactly where you need to be, and every moment of hurt,
• 29:12
  of weakness, is an invitation to heal and to pull closer to God.
• 29:20
  And if you are. The strong friend, you are
• 29:24
  allowed to be held, you're allowed to be cared for.
• 29:27
  You are allowed to receive. And healing does not mean
• 29:31
  forgetting what mattered or who mattered.
• 29:35
  It means learning how to carry it with care.
• 29:38
  So I want to thank you for spending some time with me
• 29:41
  today. If this episode resonated with
• 29:44
  you, share it with someone who needs it.
• 29:47
  Leave comments down below and let me know what parts of this
• 29:51
  are helpful or what are some ways that you've seen people
• 29:55
  grieve healthily or how you've done it.
• 29:58
  And as always, keep rising in faith and thriving in purpose.
• 30:03
  I'll. See you next time.
• 30:04
  Thank you for joining.