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Can Narcissists Just Stop Being Toxic? · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  So can a narcissist just stop being a narcissist?
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  Can a narcissist or toxic person just stop being toxic?
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  Can they turn the toxicity on and off like a light switch?
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  That's what we're talking about today, y'all.
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  Of course, if you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a diagnosed narcissist and welcome to yet another episode
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  of The Narcissist Code. Let's get it.
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  Love that intro welcome back, welcome back, welcome back
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  y'all. Yes, narcissistic talk to
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  people. Can they just turn the toxicity
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  off like a light switch? I y'all be surprised how often I
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  get a that question or something similar to it all the time,
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  right? I believe y'all, y'all will be
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  surprised, pleasantly shocked of how often I get somebody,
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  somebody asking me that type of question when I'm doing my one
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  on ones over zoom or when I'm just talking to somebody in my
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  support group or something like that or my comment sections.
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  And my answer is no, you can't just turn it off.
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  You don't just stop being a narcissist.
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  You just you don't just stop being a narcissist.
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  You don't just stop doing that. It can't.
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  It just does not happen. You cannot turn it all.
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  Turn it on and off like a light switch, regardless of what you
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  might hear people say, You know what I mean?
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  Regardless, people are like, well, Lee Lee, my, my toxic
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  narcissist, the ex, they cheated on me, beat me horrible, moved
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  on and in a new relationship, from the outside looking in, it
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  just looks like they turned it all off.
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  They're happy as hell. From the outside looking in,
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  they're the happiest people ever.
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  No, they're not the happiest people ever.
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  If you are a true pathological narcissist, you cannot turn it
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  on and off like a light switch. I myself right as a diagnosed
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  narcissist, I myself have been in therapy, psychotherapy for
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  eight years, over 8 years now. Y'all two weeks ago made my 8
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  year anniversary in therapy, right?
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  Two weeks ago was my eight-year anniversary in therapy.
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  So eight years I've been in therapy, working, putting in the
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  work, grinding and guess what they have not give.
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  My therapist has not given me the light switch button yet.
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  She has not gave me the button to turn it off.
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  Now has she helped me like learn how to manage my behaviors
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  better? Yes, right.
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  She's helped me learn how to manage those behaviors better,
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  but I haven't been able to turn those behaviors off.
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  It does not. Yeah, it does not work that way.
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  I'm sad, sad to say. I know some of y'all like.
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  Well, damn it, Lee, that's the only reason I came over here.
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  I wanted some hope for a narcissistic partner.
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  They would change and turn. Turn off the toxicity.
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  Look, y'all, that's not what I do.
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  Y'all know that, y'all? I don't.
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  I I my goal is to not give false hope to anyone, right?
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  Anyone that's dealing with toxicity, anyone, because I know
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  that false hope keeps so many people stuck.
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  Who said that? Holly just wanted to say nice
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  hair. Appreciate it.
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  Appreciate it. Hey, bro, what's going on, bro?
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  But yeah, this is what goes on like narcissistic people will
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  always be narcissist. It's kind of like a like, kind
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  of like an alcoholic when they're working on themselves,
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  even if they're in a a, a lot of them still consider themselves
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  Alcoholics. Like, hey, look, I'm just an
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  alcoholic. I'm just in recovery.
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  I'm still an alcoholic. I'm just sober right now, right?
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  That's why that's why I have my chip here, my, my one year chip,
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  my 2 year chip and whatnot, right?
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  This is what goes on. This is what happens.
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  So they can't just turn it off. If they've cheated before,
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  they're probably going to cheat again.
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  You can't just turn off the cheating button.
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  You know what? I got caught cheating.
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  So I'm going to turn it off, right?
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  I'm going to turn it off. What's going on, Frank?
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  What is going on? I I would just turn it all off.
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  You can't just turn it off. You don't turn the cheating
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  switch off. I don't care if they promised
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  you that they would or they tried to or they said that they
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  said that that's not how it works.
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  Y'all. And Amanda says I think he
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  cheated on me this weekend. I confronted him and he said if
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  you say so. So that's look, I'm not I'm not
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  saying that that's a confession. I'm also not saying, and it's
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  not a confession. Would somebody say if you think,
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  if you think I cheated on you, then I guess I did.
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  No, if you say so whatever you say, I'm not going to argue with
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  you. I'm not going to try to change
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  your mind. Yeah, he probably did.
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  You know what I mean? Don't take my word for it, but
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  sometimes it goes on happening. And Susan said they fake turn it
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  off. Slow clap for Susan because it's
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  absolutely true. A lot of them will absolutely
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  fake turn it off. They absolutely will.
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  They'll tell you that the turn out.
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  I'm going to stop doing. I'm going to, everything that
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  I've been doing is toxic. I'm going to stop doing that.
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  Yes. Courses, support group,
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  everything is at mentalillness.net.
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  Yeah, I'm going to turn it off. I'm going to stop doing
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  whatever, whatever, whatever is hurting you, I'm just going to
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  stop doing it. Do you have a plan of action on
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  how you're going to stop doing it?
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  No, I'm going to pray and then I'm going to drink and then I'm
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  going to take a nap. I'm going to take a nap and I'm
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  going to work out. That's something that's what I'm
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  going to do. I'm going to take a nap and I'm
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  going to go work out and I'm going to stop doing it.
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  But you, you've been working out for years.
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  You still been doing it. Well, I haven't, I haven't tried
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  to hit the cardio. I've been doing Pilates and,
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  and, and everything else. I've been trying to hit cardio.
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  They will lie out. They will absolutely lie and say
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  that they're going to turn it off and say that, say that
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  they're going to do the work, but you just you just can't stop
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  it. Y'all?
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  It's if you have narcissistic personality disorder, it's a
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  dis, it's a personality disorder.
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  You can't just change your personality.
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  You can't just change it, especially especially if it's
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  disordered, right, Especially if it's disorder.
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  I'm going to stop, I promise. Yep, absolutely, Yep,
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  absolutely. Or they act like a good person
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  for a short period and go right back to the toxic waste.
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  I say this a lot of my one on ones right here.
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  I tell people anybody can be on their best behavior for a little
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  while. Anybody can act nice and be good
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  for a little while. Anybody can do that.
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  Anybody, anybody and everybody can do that.
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  Have like anybody can be on the best behavior for a couple of
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  weeks. If it gets me some food, some
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  shelter and some cheeks, yeah, I can be on my best behavior for a
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  long time. If I get food, shelter and
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  cheeks, I'm good. I'm going to be on my best
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  behavior, but I'll just start back doing it again.
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  I'm just pushing. Look, you can't.
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  You can't turn it on and off, but you can push pause.
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  You can't turn it on and off, but you can't push pause.
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  They can push. Yeah, anybody can push pause on
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  something for a little while, but if they don't actually do
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  the work, then it just go back. It'll just start over again.
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  Right? I'm just go over the gym.
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  I mean, I just started over again.
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  It's just that I'm going to the gym.
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  What he never used to say was this pit stop at the other
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  woman's house on the way to the gym.
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  Oh, Yikes. Oh, Yikes.
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  You're hilarious. The gym.
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  That's what my ex said. He was always going but never
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  lost any weight. Turns out he was going up and
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  down the road to me. Oh dear Lord, hey, to be just
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  hey, it's crazy. I'm going to go work on my I'm
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  going to the gym to go work on myself and the whole time they
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  cheat. That's crazy.
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  What's going on in Norway? Actually talked to AI actually
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  did a one-on-one yesterday with a man from Norway.
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  He's trying to he's trying to go to therapy and work work on
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  himself. Actually had a one-on-one
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  literally man from Norway yesterday.
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  I thought it was at school. I do one on ones all over the
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  world to y'all worldwide. Worldwide.
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  This will be happening right that I don't trust it unless it
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  lasts. Yeah, consistency is the
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  consistency is the best sign right here.
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  Are they actually working on themselves or can they?
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  Do they actually have the possibility of not being toxic?
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  The consistency is what? Like I said, the only way to
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  tell is to consistent change the behavior.
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  Consistent changed behavior. Nothing, nothing more, nothing
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  less. You can't like it has to be
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  consistent. It has to be changed behavior.
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  Like anybody can say anything, but are they actually putting
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  the work in? Probably not.
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  What's going on, Aris Delzi? I'm probably pronouncing it
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  wrong. What's going on?
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  California is in the house. I always happy to help, always
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  happy to help. But this is what goes on, y'all.
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  They can't just turn it off, they have to be willing to put
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  the work in for an extended period of time.
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  And what's it say? My husband diagnosed with MPD.
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  He just got baptized again but not at his church.
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  He does not want his church to know what he did.
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  No, he did where people knew something he did and did.
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  Oh goodness gracious he said God restored him but not giving any
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  child support to his special needs kids.
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  Oh does not want to see them and when he talks to them, he blames
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  them for not saying Oh dear Lord, God restored him to be a
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  absent, absent, neglectful father.
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  You might you look, you might want to stay about 10 feet away
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  from him and don't and don't wear anything that attracts
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  metal because he probably going to don't don't wear anything
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  metal or anything that conducts electricity because God going to
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  strike him to fuck down. That man said God restored him,
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  but still being a deadbeat dad. That's crazy for a special needs
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  child. That is insane.
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  Yeah. Don't go.
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  Don't, don't be within him. And don't worry.
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  Anything that conducts electricity very well 'cause he
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  got to get struck down, he's gonna get, he'll get lit up.
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  God gonna go, you know, use the Lord's name in vain like that.
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  God restored me. God restored me.
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  Oh, that's amazing. Can you help with child support?
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  Woo. You know what they don't have in
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  the Bible? Child support.
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  God restored my my mental health, not my financial health.
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  So good. I'm good over here, but that my
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  wallet is kind of dry. God has not tested finances yet.
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  God has not allowed me to turn the water.
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  God has not turned bread into wine in my life.
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  Water into wine. It's crazy.
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  He's saying that's insane. That is absolutely insane.
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  That means that God restored him.
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  But still being a deadbeat, that's crazy.
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  You know, it's just like they just, I think they just give you
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  the behaviors you want to see. Yep.
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  They give you the behaviors you want to see until you get
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  comfortable. Yeah.
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  When you and when you let your guard down, that's when they pop
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  up on you and just start doing the toxic stuff again.
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  When you when you let your guard down, that's what they start
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  doing. Like soon as you soon as you
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  think, soon as you think things are going well, they revert back
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  to their old behaviors that got you here in the 1st place.
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  As soon as you think everything is cool, fine and dandy, that's
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  when they revert back and start messing with your life.
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  You like what the hell going on? Why you messing with my life so
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  much? I'm just trying to have fun and
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  heal and grow. What the hell is wrong with you?
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  Why you doing this to me right? Always here always happy to
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  help. Hey bro, always happy to help.
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  But this what goes on on y'all? This is what happens.
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  They cannot just turn off the behaviors.
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  It does not work that way. I we really it really does not
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  work that way at all. It really doesn't.
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  So if you're out here holding up hope, holding out hope that that
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  person is going to change and they just keep doing the same
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  things over and over again, they're not going to change.
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  Y'all, you're one time I hear the one time I hear this right
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  here. So I said the the definition of
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  insanity and do is doing the same thing over and over again,
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  expecting different results. So if you if you or forgiving
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  this person and taking them back after they do the same thing
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  over and over again, you're going to drive yourself insane.
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  Do you see what I'm saying? I had a lady message me the
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  other other day and she was like I've forgiven him.
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  I can't just wrap my wrap my mind around the fact that I've
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  forgiven him 10,000 times. Why doesn't he just stop doing
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  it? I like because he got 10,000
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  forgiveness like you, you forgave him 10,000.
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  Why would he stop? Why would I stop doing anything
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  or change anything if I don't have to?
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  If you're just going to consistently forgive me, why on
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  earth would I change anything that I'm doing?
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  That doesn't make sense, does it?
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  That makes sense to y'all? No.
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  If you don't forgive me 10,000 times you, I'm assuming that
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  you'll forgive me. 10,000 and one, 10,000 and three, 10,000
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  and 27. You see what I'm saying?
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  My third is asking me if my narc ex behaved himself for a long
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  time. When I go back to him, I say
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  absolutely not because he's done it before.
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  He said yeah. There you go, there you go right
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  there. Sometimes, yeah, sometimes even
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  if they start acting right for a little while, even if they start
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  acting right for a little while, sometimes it's too late.
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  Sometimes sometimes they've done too much damage and you like,
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  you know what, hell no, I ain't going back.
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  Hell no, Hell no. It's my ex's, my Xbox, the one
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  on ones. So I'll drop the link.
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  You can my my website is mental illness.net.
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  You can find my one on ones, my coaching, everything in my
• 13:24
  website, mentalillness.net. And you enter, if you go to
• 13:30
  website you can, you do want to do a one-on-one.
• 13:31
  You can enter the code mental 15, MENTAL 15 for 50% off.
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  Not even not even super expensive.
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  Yeah, England's in the house. What's going on?
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  What's going on? What if you try to leave and
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  they abuse you in every way and you're stuck because of
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  financial abuse as well. So now you have to make a plan.
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  So everybody can't just leave at once.
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  So sometimes you have to make a plan.
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  I discussed it in my course. I got a course, y'all.
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  It's called Finding your why about how to heal from
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  narcissistic abuse and successfully escape the toxic
• 14:01
  relationship. You can find all of that at
• 14:04
  mentalillness.net, just like April said, mental illness.net.
• 14:07
  All of it is there and whatnot. Mine says mine stated in
• 14:14
  relationship with his sister. So not Oh no, Hell no.
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  Anyway, y'all, I got to hop off this thing.
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  I'll be, I'll probably be live again tomorrow.
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  Make sure you subscribe if you haven't already.
• 14:24
  The mental illness podcast is launching here pretty soon.
• 14:27
  I got 10 episodes recorded. I'll record another one
• 14:30
  tomorrow. I'm we on fire with this shit.
• 14:32
  Y'all, I'm, I'm super excited. Seriously, I'm super extremely
• 14:35
  excited because we're going live on my mental illness podcast in
• 14:40
  a couple of days. 10 episodes recorded, interviews,
• 14:44
  interviews, interviews, interviews.
• 14:46
  It was y'all let me hop off this thing again. mentalillness.net
• 14:50
  for all things Lee Hammock and we will chat again later.
• 14:53
  Peace.