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433. Why Impermanence is the most grounding thing you will learn · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:11
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to another episode of Do
0:15
Speaker 1: You Fucking Mind? So this episode is all about impermanence,
0:20
Speaker 1: embracing impermanence to use it to your advantage, and what
0:25
Speaker 1: happens when you actually change your mindset to begin to
0:28
Speaker 1: embrace impermanence. This will ironically make you feel freer, safer,
0:34
Speaker 1: more in control. It's going to increase your confidence. It's
0:37
Speaker 1: going to put things into perspective a lot more. It's
0:40
Speaker 1: going to make you more grateful. It is going to
0:43
Speaker 1: improve your self esteem. It's going to improve your relationships.
0:46
Speaker 1: It's going to make you less reactive, more proactive. It
0:49
Speaker 1: is going to literally change your life. And I know
0:52
Speaker 1: I say that about so much and so many aspects
0:55
Speaker 1: of the podcast, but it really will change your life.
0:57
Speaker 1: It's something that I have done and the more I
0:59
Speaker 1: put it in practice, like it kind of like waivers
1:02
Speaker 1: in and out of my life. It's I always embrace it,
1:05
Speaker 1: but that when I really lean in, it is unbelievable
1:08
Speaker 1: how it changes my attitude and my overall mood and
1:11
Speaker 1: my overall happiness. Okay, so when you actually start to
1:15
Speaker 1: practice embracing impermanence, it will, and it is a practice
1:19
Speaker 1: it's something that you have to do more and more
1:21
Speaker 1: and more, and it then eventually becomes part of your
1:24
Speaker 1: default mode network, which we know is kind of like
1:27
Speaker 1: the operating system in the brain that's running kind of
1:30
Speaker 1: in the background when we're not focus, like actively focusing
1:34
Speaker 1: on something. So let's pretty much get straight into it,
1:38
Speaker 1: because I feel like there's a lot that I want
1:40
Speaker 1: to go through to talk about this topic. And the
1:44
Speaker 1: reason why I wanted to do this particular episode about
1:47
Speaker 1: embracing impermanence is because it also it's something that I've
1:51
Speaker 1: been thinking a lot about. As most a few guys
1:54
Speaker 1: already know, I'm pregnant with twins, and I look at
1:59
Speaker 1: so many stages of my life, as so many seasons
2:02
Speaker 1: in my life, and you know, I think, like a
2:05
Speaker 1: lot of expecting mothers, you think, well, at least for me,
2:10
Speaker 1: I love my life as it is, right. I love
2:12
Speaker 1: so many aspects of my life. I've curated my life.
2:15
Speaker 1: I've worked to a point where I've got in my
2:16
Speaker 1: life exactly where I want it to be. So obviously
2:19
Speaker 1: part of the idea of having kids, it is a
2:22
Speaker 1: step that I've always, you know, thought will be in
2:25
Speaker 1: my life. But now that it is right on the horizon.
2:28
Speaker 1: There's a lot of parts, many parts of me that
2:31
Speaker 1: are like, Wow, what's it going to be like ultimately
2:34
Speaker 1: saying goodbye to aspects of this life that I'm living
2:39
Speaker 1: right now. Because it's not that it's going to be worse,
2:43
Speaker 1: but it's more so this intense level of independence that
2:46
Speaker 1: I have is going to be significantly altered for a
2:51
Speaker 1: time period. Right, But it's kind of you also want
2:54
Speaker 1: to look at it as seasons in your life. If
2:56
Speaker 1: you can embrace each season in your life, I think
2:59
Speaker 1: you can approach each season and the challenges that each
3:02
Speaker 1: season or era presents in a much healthier and calmer way,
3:07
Speaker 1: right Because while I could look at it being like,
3:09
Speaker 1: oh my god, oh my god, like there's so much
3:11
Speaker 1: responsibility and there's so much of this and then I'm
3:13
Speaker 1: gonna lose. I'm gonna lose, you don't want to look
3:15
Speaker 1: at it like that. You could, but I don't think
3:16
Speaker 1: you should because I also don't buy into this idea personally.
3:21
Speaker 1: It's to their own that you lose your identity when
3:23
Speaker 1: you have children. I'll obviously confirm that or not. In
3:27
Speaker 1: a couple of months, will revisit that and I'll let
3:30
Speaker 1: you know how I feel. But I don't think that's necessary.
3:33
Speaker 1: I don't think you have to. I think if you have,
3:35
Speaker 1: and everyone's got a different support network around them, everyone's
3:39
Speaker 1: got a different you know whatever. But personally, for me,
3:42
Speaker 1: I'm really doing everything in my power, especially with the
3:46
Speaker 1: people around me, with my family, with Tyrone, with Tyrone's family,
3:50
Speaker 1: that I get to a point where I can go
3:54
Speaker 1: through this transition in my life, even if it's extremely challenging,
3:58
Speaker 1: but still hold on to my identity and my purpose.
4:02
Speaker 1: And the reason for that is that I don't believe
4:05
Speaker 1: that having kids is my identity or my purpose. I
4:09
Speaker 1: think it will be extremely fulfilling. I think it will
4:11
Speaker 1: be a love that I've never felt. There's all these
4:14
Speaker 1: things that's going to come into my life that I'm
4:16
Speaker 1: going to experience that I never have. All of that. Yes,
4:20
Speaker 1: but I've already found my identity, like I've got a
4:23
Speaker 1: very strong sense of purpose as well. And I think
4:27
Speaker 1: a lot of people say, like I've even gotten comments
4:31
Speaker 1: of people saying, oh, you know, wait till you have kids,
4:34
Speaker 1: then you'll really know your purpose. And I disagree with that.
4:37
Speaker 1: I disagree with that for many reasons because that's implying
4:41
Speaker 1: that people that don't have children don't have a purpose
4:43
Speaker 1: or don't have a real purpose. That's implying that your
4:45
Speaker 1: purpose has to be if pro creating, and that's what
4:48
Speaker 1: is that everyone's purpose. I don't believe that because the
4:51
Speaker 1: reason for that is I think having children could be
4:54
Speaker 1: one of it could be one of the most fulfilling
4:56
Speaker 1: things you do in your life. But I believe that
4:58
Speaker 1: purpose has to be something that's very per personal to you.
5:00
Speaker 1: I believe that if you have children, you should still
5:02
Speaker 1: have a purpose that's personal to you, okay, because you
5:06
Speaker 1: might be the most needed person in your child's life,
5:08
Speaker 1: but that's not the case forever. You always want to
5:12
Speaker 1: have something that's personal and important to you as an individual.
5:15
Speaker 1: We all deserve that. So this is why I feel
5:19
Speaker 1: like I'm trying to set myself up that I don't
5:23
Speaker 1: lose myself and lose my identity through this next season
5:26
Speaker 1: and embracing impermanence, which we're going to go into right now.
5:29
Speaker 1: I think has been a really nice way of approaching
5:33
Speaker 1: and leaving seasons of my life in a really healthy,
5:38
Speaker 1: calm and happy way. So let's get into it. Let's
5:42
Speaker 1: get into the fucking episode. Now, the first thing I
5:45
Speaker 1: want to discuss is this idea of holding onto things
5:49
Speaker 1: as if they are unchangeable and what that does to us.
5:53
Speaker 1: So if we are in a mindset where we really
5:56
Speaker 1: don't want something to change, like I don't I'm everything's
5:59
Speaker 1: perfect right now. I don't want it to change. I
6:01
Speaker 1: don't want it to change. Or I found the perfect partner.
6:04
Speaker 1: They can never leave me because they are the one,
6:07
Speaker 1: they're perfect, they can never leave me. I can't have
6:09
Speaker 1: it change. Or I've finally found this friend that's perfect
6:13
Speaker 1: and she's my best friend, and this can't change and
6:16
Speaker 1: the dynamic cannot change. Then you go from living in it,
6:21
Speaker 1: experiencing it, relishing it, unraveling in this amazing experience in life,
6:27
Speaker 1: to then I need to protect this. I'm fearful. I'm
6:31
Speaker 1: now focusing more on the potential lack of this thing,
6:34
Speaker 1: of it not being a permanent thing forever. Then I
6:36
Speaker 1: am enjoying what it's providing my life right now. So
6:40
Speaker 1: we go into this like this now needs to be unchangeable.
6:43
Speaker 1: I now have to protect this. I have to now
6:45
Speaker 1: keep this safe. And that's where you become possessive. Okay,
6:49
Speaker 1: any time you become possessive over anything in your life,
6:53
Speaker 1: there is an element of fear, and that element of
6:57
Speaker 1: fear is what's going to cock block you from experiencing
7:00
Speaker 1: the full spectrum of what you could experience out of
7:03
Speaker 1: that thing in your life. Okay, so let's use a
7:06
Speaker 1: relationship as an example. If I approach my relationship in
7:10
Speaker 1: a possessive way, like I love this person so much,
7:13
Speaker 1: if they leave me, my life is fucking over. I
7:16
Speaker 1: can't lose them. I can't lose them. I can't. So
7:19
Speaker 1: then you become protective where you're going, Oh that girl
7:22
Speaker 1: looked at you. Then you start getting jealous, you start competing,
7:26
Speaker 1: you start and then all these feelings are quite negative.
7:29
Speaker 1: So while you adore this person, and while they probably
7:31
Speaker 1: are the best thing that's ever happened to you, you're
7:34
Speaker 1: experiencing a lot of negativity in this time in your
7:36
Speaker 1: life as well. So you start caging yourself off when
7:41
Speaker 1: you've got something so good in front of you, you know,
7:44
Speaker 1: you think, I've got to protect my life and what
7:48
Speaker 1: I have in it so intensely that in the process,
7:51
Speaker 1: I'm having a miserable time. So it defeats the purpose.
7:54
Speaker 1: Same with friends, you know, if you cling on to
7:56
Speaker 1: your best friends so much, become possessive of her or
7:59
Speaker 1: of you, then get insecure if they hang out with
8:05
Speaker 1: someone else, you get insecure. If you introduce her to
8:08
Speaker 1: your other girlfriend and then they one day hang out
8:10
Speaker 1: when you're not there, you start thinking, I can't introduce
8:14
Speaker 1: my friends to other friends. I can't. I need to
8:16
Speaker 1: be in control of this. I've got to control the dynamic.
8:21
Speaker 1: I've got to control that my friend also sees me
8:23
Speaker 1: as her best friend. I've got a control And then
8:26
Speaker 1: before you know it, this isn't like a seamless, easy relationship.
8:31
Speaker 1: This is a challenge. It's a mission. You're clinging on
8:34
Speaker 1: for dear life, and it's like this possessiveness, it's a
8:37
Speaker 1: fear that I'm going to lose it. So this is
8:40
Speaker 1: just two examples. I use friendship and I used romantic relationships.
8:46
Speaker 1: But this also applies to obviously career work. It applies
8:50
Speaker 1: to times in your life. I think we all know someone.
8:54
Speaker 1: I know a handful of people for sure that have
8:57
Speaker 1: clinged onto a time in the past and those were
9:00
Speaker 1: the glory days, and that was it, that was the
9:02
Speaker 1: height for them, and they really struggle to have any
9:08
Speaker 1: other era in their life kind of surpass that I've got.
9:12
Speaker 1: There's a couple of people that I know that for
9:13
Speaker 1: them that was high school. Okay, high school was the
9:17
Speaker 1: be all end all it was. That was the height.
9:21
Speaker 1: That's when they had everything, and then everything went downhill
9:23
Speaker 1: from there and then to this day. And mind you,
9:26
Speaker 1: I graduated back in the fucking day a long time ago,
9:29
Speaker 1: but to this day, they will still talk about anecdotes
9:34
Speaker 1: and things from high school more than other things. You know,
9:37
Speaker 1: like if you meet up with them, it's high schools, Glory,
9:39
Speaker 1: DA High, Schoo, high Schol, hgh schol. And it's fine
9:41
Speaker 1: to bring up these memories. But when you look at
9:43
Speaker 1: these people, you can see that they've clinged on to
9:47
Speaker 1: a time in their life and they've not been able
9:49
Speaker 1: to move past it. Okay, this comes from basically not
9:55
Speaker 1: embracing in permanence. This comes from thinking, oh, I'll never
9:57
Speaker 1: be as good again. A really good example off this
9:59
Speaker 1: is well is I was watching the Dallas America's Sweethearts
10:04
Speaker 1: about Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders in season one. There's these sisters.
10:09
Speaker 1: One sister she's gone out of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleader
10:12
Speaker 1: she's like retired, and her little sister was coming into it,
10:15
Speaker 1: and the big sister kind of breaks my heart because
10:17
Speaker 1: I'm looking at this woman, I'm like, you've got your
10:19
Speaker 1: whole life ahead. If you're you're bright, you seem to
10:22
Speaker 1: be intelligent, you seem to have everything going for you.
10:25
Speaker 1: But the way she spoke about it, it was kind
10:27
Speaker 1: of like the best years of my life and now
10:29
Speaker 1: behind me. DCC is now behind me, and I've just
10:33
Speaker 1: got to do things to keep me entertained, because you
10:36
Speaker 1: know what else am I going to do? And like
10:37
Speaker 1: I've feel and like the language around, like being a
10:41
Speaker 1: Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, they're going to be the absolute best
10:43
Speaker 1: years of your life. And then after that, like that,
10:45
Speaker 1: that's a really unhealthy it's a really unhealthy thing to
10:49
Speaker 1: say to yourself that this is the best time of
10:51
Speaker 1: my life, because then what happens when it ends. Firstly,
10:54
Speaker 1: you're gonna be devastated. Then you're gonna be trying to
10:56
Speaker 1: cling to it. Then, instead of tap peacefully ex setting
11:00
Speaker 1: that era of your life at the right time, you
11:02
Speaker 1: hold onto it for longer than you need to. You
11:04
Speaker 1: try and hold it into your life for longer than
11:06
Speaker 1: it actually feels right. You then end up resenting it
11:09
Speaker 1: and you have this love hate relationship with it and
11:11
Speaker 1: it's fucking exhausting. It's exhausting, and then you leave there thinking, oh,
11:15
Speaker 1: it's never going to be it's good, and then you're depressed.
11:17
Speaker 1: Then you are depressed. Okay, So if you hold onto
11:21
Speaker 1: things hoping that things aren't going to change, or thinking
11:24
Speaker 1: that this is the best era of your life, you
11:26
Speaker 1: are going to be so like, way more hurt than
11:30
Speaker 1: you need to be. There's nothing wrong with mourning and
11:33
Speaker 1: era in your life, but you've got to do it
11:36
Speaker 1: as life's natural progression as you kind of ease in
11:39
Speaker 1: and out of eras in your life. Okay, because change
11:43
Speaker 1: is what is feared the most by so many people.
11:46
Speaker 1: Most people fear change more than anything else. Even if
11:49
Speaker 1: they don't love their life. They might might just be satisfied,
11:54
Speaker 1: but they're really scared of change. Okay. But once you
11:56
Speaker 1: can wrap your head around impermanence and everything's a season,
12:03
Speaker 1: the good is gonna end, which means I should really
12:06
Speaker 1: relish it in this moment and really be grateful, and
12:09
Speaker 1: the bad is going to end, so I should start
12:11
Speaker 1: becoming proactive and looking at how I'm going to move forward.
12:15
Speaker 1: Once this bad phase in my life does end, then
12:19
Speaker 1: you're able to look at your life through a completely
12:21
Speaker 1: different lens. You're gonna experience way less pain, You're gonna
12:24
Speaker 1: have a lot more freedom. And the reason you're gonna
12:25
Speaker 1: have more freedom is because because it is impermanent, because
12:30
Speaker 1: you're like, wait a minute, wait a minute, let's not
12:31
Speaker 1: get complacent. This isn't gonna last forever. If it's good,
12:35
Speaker 1: then let's milk it. And I've say this a thousand times.
12:39
Speaker 1: Even if your relationship does last forever as far as
12:43
Speaker 1: until the day you die, the eras that you go
12:46
Speaker 1: through doesn't. So Tyrone and I is very We've got
12:50
Speaker 1: what another However, many weeks before it's just us, then
12:54
Speaker 1: that era is dead, and then we enter an era
12:57
Speaker 1: where it's us being parents, and then in our relationship,
13:01
Speaker 1: and then it's another era, and then it's another era.
13:03
Speaker 1: So even in a relationship that is successful, you have
13:07
Speaker 1: to look at ears because it makes you more present,
13:09
Speaker 1: it makes you more grateful, and in the moment, it
13:12
Speaker 1: makes you less complacent because I know that I've got
13:16
Speaker 1: another what maximum under two months of just Tyrone and I,
13:20
Speaker 1: I'm more present. I'm more grateful for these little, tiny
13:24
Speaker 1: moments where it's just us too, and it's really beautiful
13:26
Speaker 1: because I'm like, oh, this era is about to end,
13:28
Speaker 1: but we're getting we're going to go into another beautiful era.
13:30
Speaker 1: It's not a sad feeling, it's a relish this moment
13:34
Speaker 1: kind of feeling. Okay. So you also have more freedom
13:37
Speaker 1: in the sense that you realize that you're actually not
13:40
Speaker 1: tied down or locked into anything in your life. You
13:43
Speaker 1: realize that good and difficult moments will come and go,
13:46
Speaker 1: come and go, come and go. So instead of thinking
13:48
Speaker 1: I've got to lock myself in and this is the
13:49
Speaker 1: be all end all because I finally found something safe,
13:52
Speaker 1: you realize the only safe thing that I can guarantee
13:55
Speaker 1: is what's going on in my head. That's it. I
13:58
Speaker 1: can't guarantee that everything's going to stay the same, or
14:01
Speaker 1: people are going to treat it the same, or those
14:02
Speaker 1: people are going to be there forever for me. I
14:04
Speaker 1: can't guarantee that. So I have to feel safety within
14:07
Speaker 1: my own head, and that's going to give me freedom. Okay.
14:10
Speaker 1: I can't be looking for safety constantly in the stagnation
14:15
Speaker 1: of things around me. You become really prepared for anything
14:19
Speaker 1: that comes your way, even if you didn't expect a
14:21
Speaker 1: certain thing, because you're used to having this flexible mindset.
14:25
Speaker 1: When something does come your way, you think, oh, okay,
14:28
Speaker 1: well now this has given me a brand new idea.
14:30
Speaker 1: You know, I just got made redundant. It's actually opened
14:33
Speaker 1: up the possibility that I actually could try this other thing,
14:37
Speaker 1: or maybe I don't need to be living in this place,
14:39
Speaker 1: or maybe maybe it's made me written whatever. Instead of thinking,
14:42
Speaker 1: oh my god, it's ended, I can't believe it. I
14:44
Speaker 1: can't know. You become instantly proactive, right You don't feel
14:47
Speaker 1: like a victim so much in your life anymore. You
14:49
Speaker 1: become way more of a participant. It's like, I can't
14:54
Speaker 1: guarantee what's going to happen, but I can guarantee that
14:56
Speaker 1: I am a participant in this life, So I need
14:58
Speaker 1: to really milk that for what it's worth. Instead of thinking,
15:01
Speaker 1: all these things are happening to me and I have
15:02
Speaker 1: no control. You have more control than you give yourself
15:05
Speaker 1: credit for, and because of that, it's going to reduce
15:07
Speaker 1: your anxiety. Okay. It also helps you make more meaningful
15:11
Speaker 1: decisions based around your values and not based around your fears. Okay,
15:16
Speaker 1: like I said before, it makes you more present in
15:18
Speaker 1: the moment. It makes you more accepting and less resistant
15:23
Speaker 1: of what other people do. This is huge, Okay, it's
15:28
Speaker 1: kind of like mel Robbins let them theory in a way.
15:31
Speaker 1: But it's this idea of you know, I can't control
15:36
Speaker 1: what somebody else does, but I can control how I,
15:40
Speaker 1: you know, interact with the world, how I interact with
15:43
Speaker 1: other people, how I interact and my life experiences and
15:46
Speaker 1: how I perceive certain things. To an extent, I can
15:48
Speaker 1: control that. So then you start thinking, if nothing's permanent
15:53
Speaker 1: in life, and if you know, if things are impermanent,
15:56
Speaker 1: and I'm going from this era to this other era,
15:58
Speaker 1: you start allowing people to also go through their eras
16:02
Speaker 1: in their own time, at their own pace. Instead of
16:04
Speaker 1: thinking I need to control you so you fit into this,
16:06
Speaker 1: you think, maybe that's just not what's supposed to happen. Okay,
16:10
Speaker 1: maybe I'm not supposed to be controlling all these people.
16:12
Speaker 1: Maybe the most I can do it best is attempt
16:14
Speaker 1: to influence someone and that's that And if they don't
16:17
Speaker 1: get positively influenced by me, then that's my answer. Kind
16:20
Speaker 1: of thing, you know, you really start to accept people
16:24
Speaker 1: for who they are in the moment, not for their potential,
16:28
Speaker 1: or not for who they used to be, or not
16:30
Speaker 1: for who you want them to be. All right, because
16:33
Speaker 1: of this, you accept yourself so much more. You love
16:37
Speaker 1: yourself so much more because you see all the different
16:40
Speaker 1: eras that you've gone through and you've overcome, and you've
16:43
Speaker 1: had to learn and relearn and attempt and reattempt and
16:46
Speaker 1: become a novice again and then a professional and then
16:48
Speaker 1: a novice again, and then you really begin to respect yourself.
16:51
Speaker 1: You're like, look at all this shit I've done. Look
16:53
Speaker 1: what I've been able to do. Right, you have better
16:57
Speaker 1: patience with where you are at in your life. You
17:00
Speaker 1: just become more patient because again you realize that it's
17:03
Speaker 1: not about you, you know, having to like force things
17:07
Speaker 1: into certain things. Again, you're like, this is not forever.
17:11
Speaker 1: You know, I can't control all these external outcomes, but
17:14
Speaker 1: I can control myself. So I am more patient with
17:16
Speaker 1: certain things. For example, with I always say, like, the
17:19
Speaker 1: first couple of months with my dog, if someone had
17:23
Speaker 1: just told me, the first two to three months are
17:25
Speaker 1: really hard as a puppy because it's very clean. He's
17:28
Speaker 1: very anxious, but then after that, it'd be great if
17:30
Speaker 1: someone had told me that. I genuinely think that I
17:33
Speaker 1: would have experienced the first three months so much better,
17:36
Speaker 1: so much better. I would have been a lot more patient.
17:39
Speaker 1: In my head, I'm like, this is forever, this is forever.
17:41
Speaker 1: But again, if I had just thought, this is not permanent,
17:45
Speaker 1: this is a season. And I feel like I need
17:47
Speaker 1: to remind myself of that when you know, when I've
17:49
Speaker 1: got newborns of that same thing. It's like, you don't
17:52
Speaker 1: want to look at this and think, oh my god,
17:54
Speaker 1: this is forever. You've got to always remind yourself, like,
17:56
Speaker 1: this is one era of my life that I'm going through,
17:58
Speaker 1: whether it's challenging or blissful. You are more spontaneous. It
18:02
Speaker 1: makes you become more spontaneous because you grab opportunities by
18:06
Speaker 1: the balls. You feel like you're more in control of
18:10
Speaker 1: your life because of all these things I just mentioned.
18:11
Speaker 1: And then of course you way less need to control
18:14
Speaker 1: other people and what they do, because you realize that
18:16
Speaker 1: by trying to control someone, you're trying to hold them
18:19
Speaker 1: in a place of like permanence for you. You're trying
18:22
Speaker 1: to hold them in a place for you. And then
18:23
Speaker 1: that just brings on more fear and just feeling miserable. Okay,
18:30
Speaker 1: sense sense key points before we talk about some things
18:38
Speaker 1: that you can put into practice to actually do this. Okay.
18:41
Speaker 1: The first one is embracing in permanence makes you less
18:44
Speaker 1: likely to wish time away. Okay, you know that your
18:47
Speaker 1: time is finite. You know that you know you're not
18:51
Speaker 1: always going to live down the road from your best friend,
18:54
Speaker 1: You're not always going to see that barista on your
18:56
Speaker 1: morning commute to work. You know, you start to think,
19:02
Speaker 1: oh wow, because this isn't permanent and I don't know
19:04
Speaker 1: when it will end, but maybe I'll be friendlier to
19:07
Speaker 1: the person that makes me my coffee because like we
19:09
Speaker 1: have this beautiful interaction every morning we chat. We're all,
19:12
Speaker 1: you know, like I've got there's multiple I have so
19:14
Speaker 1: many fucking coffees, and you know, I know multiple baristas.
19:18
Speaker 1: But it's so nice because I go in and I
19:20
Speaker 1: try and and I engage and I talk to them,
19:22
Speaker 1: and I'm like, you know, this is just an era
19:24
Speaker 1: in my life. What if they end up moving or
19:25
Speaker 1: retiring or whatever or whatever, It's like this little interaction
19:29
Speaker 1: will not be here forever. So I'm going to really
19:32
Speaker 1: enjoy it. You know, one day live might be like
19:36
Speaker 1: we're moving to another suburb in Sydney or we're moving
19:38
Speaker 1: to another state, and then all of a sudden having
19:40
Speaker 1: my best friend in the same suburb is done. So
19:44
Speaker 1: then like I need to lean into that and appreciate
19:46
Speaker 1: that so much more. And it's not out of fee.
19:49
Speaker 1: It's not like, oh my god, it's going to leave.
19:50
Speaker 1: It's just an awareness. It's an awareness to appreciate and
19:53
Speaker 1: really enjoy and relish what you have right now. It's
19:57
Speaker 1: you know, it's it's just you. It's kind of like
20:01
Speaker 1: the deathbed test in the sense of like one day
20:04
Speaker 1: I'm gonna die, what do I wish I appreciated and
20:07
Speaker 1: what do I wish I let go off? Basically? Okay,
20:11
Speaker 1: it's that's number two. You're not always looking to lock
20:16
Speaker 1: things down to be permanent in your life. Okay, things
20:19
Speaker 1: are in your life, or people are in your life.
20:21
Speaker 1: You and you are in their life, either for a
20:24
Speaker 1: short time, for a long time, for a lesson, for
20:27
Speaker 1: an experience, for security, for whatever. So you think, how
20:32
Speaker 1: can I maximize this, or at the very least, how
20:35
Speaker 1: can I maximize the lessons that I've learned from this right.
20:38
Speaker 1: Number three, You're not always fearing loss. You are consciously
20:45
Speaker 1: preempting change in a very healthy way. But it's not
20:49
Speaker 1: a fear of losing something. It's a I'm aware that
20:53
Speaker 1: this is going to evolve somehow, So instead of holding
20:58
Speaker 1: on so tired to the extent that I've got like
21:00
Speaker 1: fucking knuckles and I've not been present at all, And
21:02
Speaker 1: I look back and be like, wow, I didn't even
21:04
Speaker 1: enjoy that time when it was actually happening. Instead, you're like,
21:08
Speaker 1: given that this could change or evolve, I'm allowed to
21:12
Speaker 1: really just let go. I'm allowed to relax because change
21:14
Speaker 1: is inevitable. Change is inevitable. Nothing in life is permanent.
21:19
Speaker 1: The only thing that is like that is a constant
21:21
Speaker 1: is that nothing in life is permanent. Okay, And then
21:25
Speaker 1: you begin to let oh, you start to calm down,
21:26
Speaker 1: And ironically, when you have that attitude, people want to
21:30
Speaker 1: be around you more when you're not possessive, clinging. I
21:34
Speaker 1: own you. You are my bass friend, and not when
21:36
Speaker 1: you're chilled as fuck and when you're like every time
21:39
Speaker 1: I have an interaction with my best friend, it's going
21:41
Speaker 1: to be a good one or a meaningful one, or
21:44
Speaker 1: like a really connected interaction. Then regardless of who the
21:47
Speaker 1: fuck my friends hang out with, they're still gonna appreciate
21:51
Speaker 1: hanging out with me. I don't need to there's no shortage.
21:54
Speaker 1: I don't need to be possessive, and I'm scared you're
21:57
Speaker 1: gonna leave. Same with partners. If I'm chilled, I've now
21:59
Speaker 1: got this energy that people want to be around. People
22:02
Speaker 1: feel appreciated, they feel like they have fun because I'm
22:05
Speaker 1: present in the moment. They feel like, you know, So
22:07
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter if they're then hanging out with all
22:09
Speaker 1: these other people, They're still gonna want to be your
22:12
Speaker 1: fucking friend for the most part. And same romantically. If
22:16
Speaker 1: I'm chilled and loving and romantic and whatever with tyrone,
22:22
Speaker 1: I think my outcome with a relationship is going to
22:25
Speaker 1: be way more successful than if I was, like, where
22:28
Speaker 1: a you're going? Who are you with? Who? Who let
22:30
Speaker 1: me give me your phone? I need to look through it, like, honestly,
22:35
Speaker 1: who's more fun, who's more comforting to be around? So yeah,
22:42
Speaker 1: that's another thing. Number Four, you get a deeper appreciation
22:45
Speaker 1: for your life. Number five, You're more likely to try
22:48
Speaker 1: new things because you know that if that thing doesn't work,
22:52
Speaker 1: out that feeling of failure or that feeling of embarrassment
22:55
Speaker 1: again is short lived because nothing's permanent, And you're also
22:59
Speaker 1: likely to try harder on something because you look at
23:03
Speaker 1: it as seasons in your life, right, You're less likely
23:08
Speaker 1: to feel like a sense of doom on something if
23:11
Speaker 1: you know that it's going to be short lived. If
23:13
Speaker 1: I'm going to try something new and I try and
23:16
Speaker 1: it's really hard, then I think oh fuck this. Instead
23:18
Speaker 1: I could think, well, again, it's not permanent. This era
23:21
Speaker 1: of feeling like an absolute novice is not gonna last forever.
23:24
Speaker 1: If I can stick it out, then before not before long,
23:27
Speaker 1: I'm gonna feel like I'm getting the I'm grasping it.
23:30
Speaker 1: It's starting to feel better, it's starting to feel you know,
23:32
Speaker 1: a lot of people will try something and discard it
23:34
Speaker 1: straight away, being like not for me, I'm not coordinated,
23:36
Speaker 1: or I'm not academic, or I'm not this or I'm
23:38
Speaker 1: not that, because they experience the initial stages of being
23:41
Speaker 1: an absolute fucking novice and they don't like the discomfort,
23:45
Speaker 1: so they're like or not say yuh because they think
23:48
Speaker 1: it's going to be like that forever when that's not
23:50
Speaker 1: the case. So Therefore, you are more likely to try
23:53
Speaker 1: new things, to stick something out, to give something a
23:55
Speaker 1: really good shot, because you're like, I'm just going through
23:58
Speaker 1: the emotions here, I'm going through the different seasons of
24:00
Speaker 1: experiencing this thing, right, And then it reminds you that
24:06
Speaker 1: you will not always feel the same way right, Like,
24:09
Speaker 1: for example, if you are going through a heartbreak right now,
24:13
Speaker 1: it feels like you're never going to get over this person,
24:15
Speaker 1: and it feels like you will never meet someone exactly
24:18
Speaker 1: like that, But you're never going to meet someone exactly
24:21
Speaker 1: like that to meet you where you were when you
24:23
Speaker 1: met them, right, But you're evolving as a person. You
24:26
Speaker 1: were growing as a person, So before you know it,
24:29
Speaker 1: you're going to meet someone else who's going to meet
24:32
Speaker 1: you where you need to be met, and it's going
24:34
Speaker 1: to be very different from your ex and it's going
24:36
Speaker 1: to be the right match because you evolve. It's kind
24:40
Speaker 1: of like, remember when you had your first heart Well,
24:42
Speaker 1: I mean some people listening actually quite like they might
24:45
Speaker 1: be going through their first heartbreak. But if you if not,
24:48
Speaker 1: and if you can look back a few years and think,
24:50
Speaker 1: oh my god, remember when I was like pining for
24:52
Speaker 1: this person's love and I was so obsessed with them,
24:55
Speaker 1: and now I look back and I'm like, like, what
24:58
Speaker 1: can't what? What am I looking at? Like? Why was
25:04
Speaker 1: I under this spell? Am I? Well? Am I fucking Okay?
25:08
Speaker 1: That's where you'll be. And it's not to put down
25:11
Speaker 1: your ex put it's to make light off. It's of contrast,
25:17
Speaker 1: like I'm not putting down to the people that I
25:19
Speaker 1: used to like back in the day, but I laugh
25:22
Speaker 1: at how catastrophic I used to my thoughts were when
25:25
Speaker 1: things would end, because I'm like, oh my god, there's
25:28
Speaker 1: no one ever better than that. And I'm like, there's
25:29
Speaker 1: many people that are great in this world. They are
25:31
Speaker 1: not the best person in the world. They're not horrible,
25:33
Speaker 1: but they're not I mean some of them, but they're
25:35
Speaker 1: not you know what I mean. It's like, if you
25:38
Speaker 1: can use that tool to look back and be like, lo,
25:40
Speaker 1: look how I got over that, then you can use
25:43
Speaker 1: that for now and realize one day I'm going to
25:45
Speaker 1: feel this way. It feels out of reach, but one day.
25:50
Speaker 1: So let's talk about a couple of things that we
25:52
Speaker 1: can do. I mean, I've already spoken about many things
25:55
Speaker 1: of how you can approach it, but let's talk about
25:56
Speaker 1: a couple more so, every time you come to a crossroad.
26:01
Speaker 1: Number one, I want you to use rational thinking as
26:05
Speaker 1: much as possible. And what I mean by rational thinking
26:08
Speaker 1: is by using your logic processing over your emotional reactions.
26:13
Speaker 1: So we always will almost always, we'll have an emotional
26:17
Speaker 1: reaction initially, that's gonna be the first like. And that's
26:21
Speaker 1: good because it's your warning sign. It's like, oh my god,
26:25
Speaker 1: I'm feeling something. I need to pay attention to this.
26:26
Speaker 1: What is this telling me? So I get this initial
26:29
Speaker 1: or a warning sign, and then I think, good, good, good,
26:31
Speaker 1: Now name it to tame it, because we know that
26:35
Speaker 1: when we name an emotion that we're feeling, whether it's fear,
26:37
Speaker 1: whether it's embarrassment, whether it's hesitation, whether it's possessiveness, whether
26:43
Speaker 1: it's whatever, when we name it, we instantly wake up
26:47
Speaker 1: the more reasoning centers of the brain. Okay, and we
26:52
Speaker 1: know that as a fact. So if I say I'm
26:55
Speaker 1: feeling fearful, I'm feeling insecure, I'm feeling jealous. Right now, good,
27:01
Speaker 1: I've named it, okay, And then you say, what is
27:05
Speaker 1: this feeling making me want to do? Okay, I'm feeling
27:08
Speaker 1: possessive and feeling jealous. It's making me want to send
27:11
Speaker 1: a passive aggressive text message. Okay, that's what it's making
27:14
Speaker 1: me want to do right now. But I know and now,
27:17
Speaker 1: because you're rationalizing it, you're speaking about your emotions, you're
27:20
Speaker 1: speaking about what this emotion is making you. But I
27:22
Speaker 1: know that in the past, when I've done that, it
27:25
Speaker 1: felt really good writing it, sending it, and then instantly
27:31
Speaker 1: I felt anxious, I felt a bit embarrassed, I felt
27:34
Speaker 1: out of control. I felt And then you start and
27:37
Speaker 1: then you think and in the past, it actually hasn't
27:41
Speaker 1: benefited me. It wasn't a good way of communicating. It
27:44
Speaker 1: wasn't And before you know, you've talked yourself down off
27:46
Speaker 1: that cliff. Okay, you've rationalized the situation. You think I'm
27:50
Speaker 1: acting like I'm not in control, when in reality I am.
27:53
Speaker 1: So Now, what can I do that's going to bring
27:55
Speaker 1: me back into control? Okay, So my friend is doing
27:59
Speaker 1: something that's made me jealous, I'm now going to hang
28:01
Speaker 1: out with another one of my friends and realize that
28:05
Speaker 1: there is no lack and we can all hang out
28:08
Speaker 1: with multiple people. And here I am having a great
28:11
Speaker 1: time knowing my friend is also having a great time
28:13
Speaker 1: hanging out with someone else, or like my partner's hanging
28:16
Speaker 1: out with people after work and I get really insecure
28:19
Speaker 1: and whatever. I'm going to sit here and I'm not
28:23
Speaker 1: and I'm going to rationalize. I think about the initial thought,
28:25
Speaker 1: what am I feeling? What is this feeling making me
28:28
Speaker 1: want to do? What do I normally feel after I
28:30
Speaker 1: do that thing? And then how can I turn it
28:32
Speaker 1: around and do something that's actually going to make me
28:34
Speaker 1: feel like really good and not regret my actions or
28:37
Speaker 1: my feelings after the fact. Okay. Other times where this
28:42
Speaker 1: is a crossroad is when something like let's say you
28:46
Speaker 1: get load off at work and this is a moment
28:49
Speaker 1: like am I going to be really rude? Am I
28:51
Speaker 1: going to cut every one off from that old job?
28:53
Speaker 1: Am I going to Or am I going to rationalize
28:55
Speaker 1: this moment being like, look everything seasonal, I wasn't going
28:58
Speaker 1: to be in this career forever. As much as it's
29:00
Speaker 1: hurt my ego right now. I also or let's say
29:03
Speaker 1: like you missed out on the job at the very
29:05
Speaker 1: final stages of the interview, whatever it might be, and
29:07
Speaker 1: you're like, this is a crossroad in my life. I'm
29:10
Speaker 1: now entering a new era because I'm not going down
29:12
Speaker 1: that path that I thought I was going to go down.
29:15
Speaker 1: So then you think, am I going to burn all
29:16
Speaker 1: these bridges and cause a fucking scene? You know, while
29:21
Speaker 1: everyone can get farter, I'm not this or I'm not that,
29:23
Speaker 1: or cut people off, or am I going to really
29:28
Speaker 1: think about what am I going to be feeling in
29:31
Speaker 1: my next season of my life? In that next era
29:33
Speaker 1: of my life, I'm probably gonna want to have these
29:36
Speaker 1: connections again. I probably want to have a bit of
29:38
Speaker 1: a network. I probably will. And then it starts making
29:40
Speaker 1: It puts you in the shoes of your future self
29:43
Speaker 1: a little bit more like, once I've calmed down, do
29:47
Speaker 1: I want to have burnt every bridge in my life
29:50
Speaker 1: when things didn't go my way? Is that what I want?
29:52
Speaker 1: Or do I want to be someone that can peacefully
29:55
Speaker 1: transition through stages of my life, still keeping my cool,
29:59
Speaker 1: still keeping my dignity, but also not cutting people off.
30:06
Speaker 1: Because there's a lot of people I know that cut
30:09
Speaker 1: so many people out of their life, cut people off,
30:12
Speaker 1: cut their personal trainers off because they've cut this person off,
30:15
Speaker 1: that cut I'm not going to that cafe anymore, and
30:19
Speaker 1: I'm like, you must live with so much animosity in
30:24
Speaker 1: your heart, Like the energy that that requires is just astronomical. Okay,
30:31
Speaker 1: So that's another thing that's really important. The next thing
30:35
Speaker 1: is I want you to have just the simple reminder
30:38
Speaker 1: of the deathbed test. This really helps. I'm not going
30:40
Speaker 1: to go into it because I've got episodes on it,
30:42
Speaker 1: I've spoken about it, but the deathbed test is basically
30:45
Speaker 1: where you say, if I'm on my deathbed, if I
30:47
Speaker 1: were on my deathbed and I look back at this event,
30:50
Speaker 1: is this how I would have reacted? Is this how
30:52
Speaker 1: I would have wanted to react. Would I be holding
30:54
Speaker 1: onto this so much? Would have been able to let go?
30:56
Speaker 1: Would I have responded completely differently? What have I looked
30:58
Speaker 1: at this as an opportunity instead like a roadblock? What
31:02
Speaker 1: would I be thinking if I was on my deathbed?
31:04
Speaker 1: And it's a really good eye opener because the deathbed
31:07
Speaker 1: takes fear out of the equation and it puts your
31:10
Speaker 1: what you value and what your morals are into the forefront,
31:14
Speaker 1: and it helps you act on what is best for
31:16
Speaker 1: you instead of your like reactive fearful state. Okay, And
31:21
Speaker 1: another thing, second last thing is zoom out as much
31:24
Speaker 1: as possible Zooming out always puts things into perspective. When
31:27
Speaker 1: we are going through a really hard time, it absorbs
31:31
Speaker 1: every part of your conscious awareness. It is exhausting, as
31:35
Speaker 1: we all know. I've been there, You've been there, we
31:37
Speaker 1: all know it. Like when things have gone wrong, it
31:40
Speaker 1: is so hard to think about anything else, and people like, oh,
31:43
Speaker 1: just cheer up, yes, kunt, Yes, I'm going to cheer
31:46
Speaker 1: up when all I can think about is this impeding
31:48
Speaker 1: doom of like my career fucking falling apart, or my
31:51
Speaker 1: relationship the love of my life leaving me. So it's
31:54
Speaker 1: really hard, right, So what I mean by zooming out
31:57
Speaker 1: is you have to give yourself the opportunity to remove
32:00
Speaker 1: yourself from the environment that you're in in that time
32:03
Speaker 1: and allow yourself to gain a bit of perspective on
32:05
Speaker 1: your overall life. Okay, so the times where things have
32:09
Speaker 1: gone really bad for me at work, I've then kind
32:13
Speaker 1: of not been on my emails. I've decided I'll take
32:15
Speaker 1: like three day hiatus. I'm not gonna go on my
32:17
Speaker 1: emails or my social media or nothing, and then I'm
32:19
Speaker 1: probably going to go and spend some time maybe a
32:21
Speaker 1: sleep of out, like my cousins or my parents or
32:24
Speaker 1: my auntie and uncles. I'm gonna go do something and
32:26
Speaker 1: I completely remove myself from what's from the thick of
32:29
Speaker 1: what's causing me so much anxiety and animosity that I've
32:32
Speaker 1: also done this with heartbreaks. And then I spend time
32:34
Speaker 1: with people that I really love, Okay, Like connection is everything,
32:38
Speaker 1: So you spend time with people that you really like,
32:39
Speaker 1: and then it allows you to be like, wait a minute, Yes,
32:43
Speaker 1: I can still acknowledge that I'm going through a fucked time,
32:45
Speaker 1: but look at all these good people around me. I've
32:49
Speaker 1: done all this work on my health, for example, that
32:52
Speaker 1: might be one of the things you're doing. You know.
32:54
Speaker 1: I've got like really good siblings, I've got, you know.
32:57
Speaker 1: And then you start thinking, wait a minute, there's all
33:00
Speaker 1: these pockets in my life that actually I really love,
33:02
Speaker 1: the suburb I living I love. Not everything in my
33:05
Speaker 1: life is fucked. Not everything, okay, And given that not
33:09
Speaker 1: everything in my life is fucked, it means that my
33:12
Speaker 1: ability to rebuild from this point is actually not as
33:15
Speaker 1: hard as I'm making it out to be. I will
33:18
Speaker 1: allow myself to grieve. I'm gonna let myself have the meltdown,
33:21
Speaker 1: but I also need to zoom out and give myself
33:23
Speaker 1: a bit of fucking perspective here, because my life isn't
33:26
Speaker 1: over and a need I need to get to the
33:29
Speaker 1: point where I can grasp that reality and become a
33:32
Speaker 1: bit more proactive with my life. And that only happens
33:34
Speaker 1: with zooming out. Okay, you put yourself Also, when something
33:38
Speaker 1: big happens in your life, it really helps you zoom out.
33:40
Speaker 1: If someone dumps you who you thought, we're engaged, we're
33:43
Speaker 1: gonna get married, and then they break up with you.
33:45
Speaker 1: As fucked as that is, it also allows you to
33:49
Speaker 1: do things that you never would have done. You're like,
33:52
Speaker 1: this is fucking bullshit that I'm going through this. But
33:56
Speaker 1: what could I do right now that had I stayed engaged,
33:59
Speaker 1: I probably wouldn't have done. Is it a solo trip?
34:03
Speaker 1: Is it moving in with someone really fun that you
34:07
Speaker 1: never had that era and now you can experience that era?
34:10
Speaker 1: What is it? It could be whatever. So that's what
34:13
Speaker 1: I mean about zooming out. There's always going to be
34:15
Speaker 1: opportunities when when one door closes, a window is opened,
34:19
Speaker 1: all right, So that's what zooming out allows you to do.
34:22
Speaker 1: Otherwise you're on this like this one tunnel vision and
34:25
Speaker 1: you're not aware of any of the other avenues that
34:27
Speaker 1: peel off to the side that can give you the
34:28
Speaker 1: best experiences of your life. And then the last thing
34:33
Speaker 1: is remind yourself that every time you try and control something,
34:38
Speaker 1: or every time you're holding onto something that is, or
34:41
Speaker 1: every time you're possessive, that is fear masked as I'm
34:46
Speaker 1: just protecting something, because for the most part, you don't
34:49
Speaker 1: have to protect things. When we talk about protecting things, yeah,
34:52
Speaker 1: you want to protect the vulnerable, your baby, your pets,
34:58
Speaker 1: you know. Yeah, okay, have locks on your doors, so
35:00
Speaker 1: you know. But as far as acting possessively about other
35:05
Speaker 1: adults or about a job, or about things that are
35:09
Speaker 1: ultimately not one hundred percent in your control, that is fear.
35:13
Speaker 1: That is fear, and it might not look like it,
35:16
Speaker 1: but it's a fear of losing it. And you can
35:18
Speaker 1: have a healthy fear of losing something, like you can say, Wow,
35:23
Speaker 1: my partner's a fucking catch and I don't want to
35:27
Speaker 1: lose them, so therefore I'm going to behave in a
35:30
Speaker 1: way that would make me less likely to lose my partner.
35:33
Speaker 1: See that's healthy, healthy like awareness that something could not
35:36
Speaker 1: go right. So then I'm going to be more present,
35:39
Speaker 1: I'm going to be really loving. I'm going to treat
35:41
Speaker 1: them how I would want to be treated. All of
35:42
Speaker 1: these things is good because you acknowledge that you don't
35:46
Speaker 1: want to lose them. But then there's the I don't
35:48
Speaker 1: want to lose them, so I'm going to do everything
35:50
Speaker 1: in my power to make them stay with me. That's
35:53
Speaker 1: trying to control someone, Okay, and that goes for every
35:56
Speaker 1: other example that I could give. So yes, that is
36:02
Speaker 1: the episode of today. Basically in a nutshell, I want
36:07
Speaker 1: you to it's kind of about letting go. Ultimately, this
36:11
Speaker 1: whole thing is like let go, Let the fuck go.
36:14
Speaker 1: But yeah, go through it all, go through the key
36:17
Speaker 1: points that really resonated the most with you. And I
36:19
Speaker 1: want you to do a bit of an inventory right
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Speaker 1: now in your life. Right now, where am I holding
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Speaker 1: onto things that's actually causing me pain or grief or whatever, Like,
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Speaker 1: where are those things? Because that's fucking doing my head
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Speaker 1: in All right, cool beans, That is all for today, guys,
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Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to today's episode, for
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Speaker 1: tuning in, and I will see you back here, see
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Speaker 1: or speak to you back here next time. As always,
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Speaker 1: remember be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain.
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Speaker 1: Don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
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Speaker 1: from yourself. Don't