Latest / Beautifully Complex / 339: When Hope Feels Heavy: Permission to Start A New Year Without Optimism, with Penny Williams

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339: When Hope Feels Heavy: Permission to Start A New Year Without Optimism, with Penny Williams · Beautifully Complex

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: There is another kind of hope that doesn't require pretending
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: that we're okay. It doesn't require masking, and it sounds
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: more like I don't know how this is going to
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: unfold yet, but I'm still here. I don't have answers,
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: but I have not quit, and I am allowed to
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: begin without belief, just a willingness to begin. Welcome to
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really means to
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm Penny Williams,
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: and I know firsthand how tough and transformative this journey
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: can be. Let's dive in and discover how to raise regulated, resilient,
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: beautifully complex kids together. Oh and if you want more support,
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: join our free community at hub dot beautifully complex dot life.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: Hi friends, thanks so much for joining me in this
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: episode of Beautifully Complex. It is January first. If you
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: are watching or listening to this episode on the first
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: day that it comes out, it's a day with a
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: lot of expectations. Right, we are taught to set New
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: Year's resolutions. We're taught to work harder at goal setting
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: and at achieving goals than we have done so far. Right,
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: we're taught that we need to do more so that
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: we can achieve more, and that that's what New Year's
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: is all about, this fresh start. And as I was
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: thinking about how I wanted to really record a hopeful
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: message for you, I was brought to tears this morning
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: because I'm not feeling particularly hopeful right now myself. I
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: am really struggling, and I really am always about showing
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: up for you in a real and genuine way, and
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: so I was trying to consider how could I bring
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: you a message that was going to help you to
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: keep going while also being genuine about my own feelings
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: and my own struggle and my own sort of love
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: hate relationship with Hope, which I've had for a long time.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: I wrote a blog post back in twenty fifteen about
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: how Hope and I have this love hate relationship because
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: I get really hopeful and then if I get let down,
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: then it hurts, and it feels like it hurts more
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: than if I just didn't hope that much and accepted
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: what comes right. And what I sort of came to
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: after a lot of consideration, is that there is really
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: a genuine message of hope that I can share with
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: you right now. It's not that shiny, forward looking kind
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: of hope that we usually associate with New years. And
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: I think that's exactly why it actually matters. I'm not
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: feeling hopeful because hope asks for certainty, and uncertainty is
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: what I am struggling with. So much uncertainty and keeping
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: my business going and being able to continue to help
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: all of you. Uncertainty with what the future looks like
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: from my kids, uncertainty with getting older and all that brings.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: That message typically looks like I know it's going to
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: get better. This year is definitely going to be different.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: I see the path before us, right. That kind of
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: hope requires energy and vision and nervous system bandwidth, and
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: I just don't have those things today. I am not
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: showing up for you today in that type of energy.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: When we're tired, like really really tired, those things just
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: aren't accessible. But there is another kind of hope that
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: doesn't require pretending that we're okay. It doesn't require masking,
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: and it sounds more like I don't know how this
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: is going to unfold yet, but I'm still here. I
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: don't have answers, but I have not quit, and I
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: am allowed to begin without belief just a willingness to begin,
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: a willingness to start if I'm scared to start, if
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: I don't feel really optimistic about the outcome. And so
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: many of us, as parents have neurodivergent kids, we enter
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: January exhausted, not inspired. We've had half a year of
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: school struggles, we have had family interactions, parties, the stress
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: of the holidays, because let's face it, as a parent,
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: there is stress that comes with holidays, especially if you
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: can't afford the extra expense. And December just takes a lot,
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: and parenting takes a lot. And now we're putting those
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: two things together, we're layering them on top of each other,
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: and then we're supposed to just slide right into January first,
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: like everything is hunky dory and it's all gonna be
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: better and everything is right with the world. Right, So,
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: if you're starting this year feeling heavy instead of hopeful,
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: like I am, I want you to know me too.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: I am too. I am feeling heavy, I am struggling,
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: and it is okay. It is okay to feel however
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: we feel. As I said, as I prepared to record
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: this episode, I really struggled with how taught for you
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: hope when I'm not feeling very hopeful myself. And as
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: you can tell, that brought a lot of tears, and
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: I texted a couple of friends about it, and my
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: dear friend Sarah picked up the phone and called me,
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: and as you can imagine listening to me right now,
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: for the first few minutes I could barely speak. She
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: mostly just listened to me sob and then she listened
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: to what I'm going through and how I'm feeling with
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: so much empathy and compassion. So here, I am trying
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: to help you walk into another new year with self
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: compassion and grace while also being very real and very
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: genuine obviously, So what can we do with how we
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: are feeling right now? We can reframe the idea of hope.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: Hope is typically framed as a belief in a certainty,
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: a clarity that things are going to improve, that the
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: future is going to be better and brighter, and it
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: requires that type of energy to envision change. We have
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: to have some energy to imagine that things can be
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: different and better because we have to contribute to that,
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: right and when you're burned out, it's so much harder.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: We have all of this nervous system fatigue. We're living
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: more often in dysregulation than not. We're in this sort
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: of chronic problem solving mode. These things are hard, these
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: things are challenging. We're struggling with this. I need to
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: figure out how to go forward. That requires a lot
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: of problem solving, and we are spending years of our
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: lives advocating, adjusting and trying to hold it together, and
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: sometimes we just can't. But here's the bright spot of burnout.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: If we can find a bright spot, this is it.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: Burnout is information, just like behavior is communication, and it's
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: a signal. Burnout is the same. It is telling us
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: what we need. It's not failure. It's not a failure
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: of being able to keep it all together into perpetuity.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: It's information. Our body is saying, I need less, I
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: need less demand. I need less problems to solve right
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: at this moment, I need less input, I need less
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: sensory I need less struggle. I don't need more resolve.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: I don't need to pull up my big girl panties,
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: put on a brave face, pretend like everything's okay, and
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: go forward that way, right, That's what we tend to
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: think of as New Year's It's like this renewed resolve
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: for making change. But if we're burned out, we need
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: less of all of that. And what I've learned over
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: the years when I felt like hope has carried me
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: and then let me down, is that when hope feels inaccessible,
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: we can't force it. And I think that's kind of
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: what I was trying to do here this morning. I
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: was realizing that, you know, weeks ago, I had planned
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: to record this message of hope and optimism to help
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: inspire you to keep going, and when I showed up
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: to do that, I didn't feel genuine. Hope just didn't
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: feel accessible to me today, and I could have forced it.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: I could have tried. I told back the tears, pretended
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: that everything's hunky dory, right. I could have masked and
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: recorded this really disingenuous message about how hope is going
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: to carry you and how that's what you need. But
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to do that. I always, as I
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: said right from the start, I want to be real
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: and genuine with all of you, and so we need
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: a new definition right that doesn't require us to believe
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: in something that we can't see or know to be true.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: Yet it doesn't require us to have this high energy
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: around it. Hope doesn't have to be optimism, and this
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: is something new for me. It is not a thought
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: that I've ever had before. But hope doesn't have to
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: be optimism. Instead, it can be support, It can be steadiness,
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: it can be permission, it can be just one tiny,
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: next doable step. Sometimes just moving forward in the tiniest
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: of ways is actually practicing hope because we're moving forward.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: So what I have come to today for myself, and
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: hopefully this rings true for many of you as well,
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: is that we need to start without certainty. We need
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: to start scared, we need to start anxious, We need
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: to start slow and small. Beginning doesn't require confidence. We
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: think it does. We definitely think it does. We think
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: that confidence is the fuel to start doing something, But
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: it really doesn't require confidence. It just requires us of
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: safety and a feeling that you are not alone, that
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: there is someone else in your corner too, someone that
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: you can lean on. Sometimes the most helpful thing isn't
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: believing that it's all going to work out, And gosh,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: it took me a long time to get there. I
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: wanted everything to work out. That's what we do. We
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: love our kids. We love people and we want things
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: to work out, but what we have to understand is
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: that's not the human experience. Sometimes things work out, sometimes
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: things don't. So instead of trying to force ourselves to
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: believe that everything's going to work out, we can just
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: choose not to carry it by ourselves. We don't need
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: to know what next year is going to hold and
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: we can't. Instead, we need a place where we can
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: set things down when they get hard, where people can
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: help us to hold things up that need to be
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: held up even though they're hard. So let's talk about
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: some more small reframes. We've reframed hope. It does not
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: need to be optimism. It can be starting small. It
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: can be taking a tiny step forward and leaning on others,
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: finding support and using that support. So thinking about instead
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: of what needs fixing, we can ask ourselves what feels
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: hardest right now? What is the one thing, not the
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: ten things, but the one thing that feels hardest right now.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: Instead of thinking about goals, I want you to think
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: about capacity. Each new year, I choose a word of
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: the year, and it's not really about a goal. It's
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: not about money or things or particular trips or vacations.
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: I try to pick a word that it's going to
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: help to carry me, a word that I really want
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: to focus on, because I know focusing on it is
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: going to help carry me. And this year, I'm thinking
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: my word is likely going to be capacity, because I
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: have to start focusing on my own capacity too, not
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: just what needs to get done. And then, instead of consistency,
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: because oh my gosh, consistency is so hard when things
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: are hard, right, consistency it just feels undoable when everything
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: is so heavy and you're carrying it all. So let's
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: not think about being consistent. Let's think about being responsive,
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: responsive in the ways that we want to. How can
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: we respond to the needs that our kids and our
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: families have without taking on all of the burdens ourselves.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: How can we be responsive in showing up in the
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: way that we want to show up for others, for
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: our kids, for our partners, for our families. And then,
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: instead of doing more, because please, please please stop trying
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: to do more, it's something that I am working so
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: hard on myself, instead of doing more, we need to
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: reduce the friction, and we need to focus on feeling better,
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: feeling good, because when people feel good, they're able to
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: do good. If we don't feel good, we are not
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: ever able to do good. It just isn't possible. It
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: isn't possible. Your kid doesn't need some new and transformed
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: New Year's version of you. They just need you. They
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: need you depleted less, they need you supported more. They
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: need you minding your capacity. I have seen families that
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: I coach change not through more effort, but through support,
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: through learning how to make pivots that honor capacity, that
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: are neuro affirming, and that are foundational for our kids
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: to thrive and ourselves to thrive. Through pacing, not trying
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: to change everything at once, but prioritizing and pacing what
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: we're working on, and of course through that nervous system
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: first approach, perspective and care, because our nervous system dictates
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: how we feel, and we need to feel good to
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: do good. Burnout is not going to lift because you
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: try harder. It lifts when we stop doing it all
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: and we stop doing it alone. I really want that
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: to sink in. Burnout lifts when we stop trying to
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: do it all and we stop trying to do it alone.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: I hear parents say, I just need to catch my breath.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: I need a reset. I myself often think I need
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: a reset. I need someone to walk with me, not
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: tell me what I'm doing wrong. Now this podcast episode
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: and the message that I'm sharing with you, it's not
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: about promoting anything. I promise this is genuine and from
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: the heart. But I'm realizing as I have been talking
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: to you, that I was actually seeing this need in
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: other parents before I was really seeing it in myself.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: Because I have been working on a growth sprint called
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: burned Out to Back on Track, and it is a
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: six week done with you mentorship to help you and
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: your kid through this season of being burned out out
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: and getting back on track and being able to move
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: forward again and feeling good again. I created it for
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: this exact reason that we're talking about right now, and
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: it just clicked for me that I actually saw that
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: need in others and didn't even recognize it in myself
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: until I started thinking about hopefulness and optimism in my
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: day today in this moment. So I do want to
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: share with you about burned Out to Back on Track
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: if you think it's something that you might be interested in.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: It is part of the Regulated Kids Project membership. It's
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: very affordable at thirty five dollars a month. There will
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: be continual growth sprints throughout the year, or you can
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: buy one particular sprint for seventy dollars. They're really short
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: on purpose. They are going to feel very doable when
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: things are heavy. They are going to feel very supportive
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: because it's not about saying, it's not about me pushing you.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: It's just about stabilizing and rebuilding capacity. The whole first
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: week in this growth sprint, we work on acknowledging, identifying, noticing,
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: having awareness around your capacity, your kid's capacity, and the
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: things that we can do to build capacity. It's about
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: nervous system first, always, and that is one of the
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: four core principles that I lean heavily on in parenting,
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: in my own parenting and the parenting that I teach
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: and guide others through. We have to parent nervous system first,
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: because if a kid is disregulated, none of any of
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: the greatest strategies in the world are going to work.
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: We have to be regulated. I also lean heavily on
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: the fact that small steps that are achievable build success.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: We can't go from my kid can't ride a bike
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: to literally one second and your kid is out there
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: like doing mountain biking race courses and winning. Right, we
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: can't even go in one second from can't ride a
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: bike to fully on their own riding a bike. But
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: we tend to want to change things in that timeframe
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: and in that way. But what really matters, most of
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: what really works best is if we take this tiny
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: steps that we can have success with because success breeds
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: more success. Success breeds the attitude that I can keep trying.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: We have to feel like things are doable, even if
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: they're challenging, to keep trying. That's true for our kids,
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: it's true for us as well. Relief over results as
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: one of those four core principles. How we feel and
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: how we make others feel matters way more than what
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: we do, what we achieve, what we attain, what we
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: have right. How we feel and how we make our
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: kids feel and other people feel is so important. And
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: then lowering pressure and increasing support that is where these
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: shifts start to happen. We're not pressuring because pressure shuts
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: people down. We're supporting. This isn't about becoming a different parent.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: It's about feeling like yourself again, and it's about being
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: able to show up for your kid in the way
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: that you want to and in the ways that are
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: going to help them to find their own successes, to
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: help them feel good, to help them get back on
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: track at school, to help them, you know, have smoother
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: afternoons and evenings. So we're not just looking at in
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: this burned out to back on track grows sprint. We're
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: not just looking at capacity and how we feel and burnout,
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: but we're also looking at what strategies, what rhythms and
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: flow can we put in place so that things are
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: doable again. So if this is the year that you
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: stop pushing and you start supporting yourself, I'm going to
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: be there. I am so there for that. Stop pushing
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: and start supporting yourself. You don't need hope to take
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: the next step. I have been struggling with hope all year,
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: but I continue to get out of bed every day,
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: I continue to show up. I continue to lean into
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: my purpose of helping others, and it helps me to
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: keep taking that next step. So you just need care.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: You need support, and the ability to keep going will
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: naturally evolve from that. Please take good care. I'll see
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: you in the next episode. I see you. You're doing
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: hard and meaningful work, and you don't have to do
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: it alone. If you found this episode helpful, share it
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: with someone who needs it and leave a quick review
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: so others can find this support too. When you're ready
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: for next steps, the Regulated Kids Project is here with
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: the tools, coaching, and community to help you raise a
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: more regulated, resilient child. Get more info at regulated kids
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: dot com.