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9 Signs You Love Your Life And Still Want Love · Toxic Girls Zone

0:03
Speaker 1: Hey, welcome back. I'm glad you're here. And I mean
0:06
Speaker 1: that in the least performative way possible. So, okay, let
0:10
Speaker 1: me catch you up on my week real quick because
0:11
Speaker 1: it is directly relevant to what we're doing today. My
0:14
Speaker 1: partner and I decided to do a reality dating show
0:16
Speaker 1: binge last Thursday night. The whole setup, blankets, the dog
0:19
Speaker 1: wedged between us, a snack situation that was maybe too ambitious.
0:23
Speaker 1: My partner made it exactly 10 minutes before falling completely asleep.
0:26
Speaker 1: And I kept watching. Alone. For two more hours. Which, honestly, fine,
0:31
Speaker 1: I get it, but also I want you to know
0:33
Speaker 1: that I was sitting there in the dark, slightly betrayed,
0:35
Speaker 1: fully invested, watching strangers fall in love on a beach somewhere.
0:39
Speaker 1: And then something happened on screen that stopped me. There
0:41
Speaker 1: was a woman. Gorgeous apartment, mentioned in the intro package.
0:45
Speaker 1: She said, I have everything I need. And she meant it.
0:48
Speaker 1: You could tell she meant it. And then at the
0:50
Speaker 1: final ceremony, when the couple walked off together, she cried.
0:52
Speaker 1: Just quietly. Not dramatically. And I understood that woman so
0:56
Speaker 1: deeply and so immediately that it embarrassed me a little.
0:59
Speaker 1: That's this episode. That's exactly what we're talking about today.
1:02
Speaker 1: So anyways, today we're getting into nine signs you love
1:05
Speaker 1: your life and still want love without even knowing you're
1:08
Speaker 1: doing it, right? And before we go further, I need
1:11
Speaker 1: to give you one warning. Think of this episode as
1:13
Speaker 1: a permission slip. That's it. That's the whole warning. I'm
1:17
Speaker 1: giving you permission to feel something you have already been
1:19
Speaker 1: feeling but have been calling ungrateful for approximately six months,
1:22
Speaker 1: maybe longer, maybe the whole last year. You've been sitting
1:25
Speaker 1: on this feeling like it's a problem to solve, and
1:28
Speaker 1: I'm going to tell you today it's not. Also, my
1:30
Speaker 1: partner slept through the entire episode, and somehow we're still happy, so,
1:34
Speaker 1: you know, love is weird and possible at the same time.
1:37
Speaker 1: We can hold both. Okay, so here's where we start.
1:40
Speaker 1: You have built something real, right? A job that makes sense,
1:42
Speaker 1: a routine that actually works, people you love who love
1:45
Speaker 1: you back. Maybe a plant that survived three months without
1:47
Speaker 1: a miracle. I have four balcony plants and one of
1:50
Speaker 1: them is on its third comeback arc, so I'm not
1:52
Speaker 1: judging yours. You wake up and your life makes sense.
1:54
Speaker 1: And then somewhere around nine in the morning on a Tuesday,
1:56
Speaker 1: you feel it. This small ache, like a radio signal
1:59
Speaker 1: from a station you didn't tune in on purpose. And
2:01
Speaker 1: what do you do? You call it stupid. You tell
2:04
Speaker 1: yourself you should be grateful. And gratitude becomes a lid.
2:07
Speaker 1: You press it down over the ache and keep moving
2:09
Speaker 1: because you have things to do. And the ache feels
2:11
Speaker 1: like ingratitude. And you're not ungrateful. You worked hard for
2:13
Speaker 1: this life. Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so. Here's the
2:19
Speaker 1: flip though. The ache isn't a sign your life is
2:22
Speaker 1: missing something it was supposed to have by now. It's
2:24
Speaker 1: a sign you're ready to let it hold more. That's
2:26
Speaker 1: a different thing entirely. But what's been happening, and this
2:29
Speaker 1: is the pattern we're going to name today, is that
2:30
Speaker 1: you've been playing what I'm calling the life hoarder. Filling
2:33
Speaker 1: every shelf, every slot, every Sunday so completely that there
2:36
Speaker 1: is no room for another person to set anything down.
2:39
Speaker 1: Not because you don't want them to. Because the shelf
2:41
Speaker 1: is full and you designed it that way. Can we
2:43
Speaker 1: see this? Okay, picture this. It's Sunday morning, coffee going
2:47
Speaker 1: cold on the counter because you got distracted. Your phone
2:49
Speaker 1: is full of plans with people you love, a brunch,
2:51
Speaker 1: a call, a thing you said you'd help with. And
2:54
Speaker 1: you pick up your phone, you open one of those apps,
2:56
Speaker 1: you look at it for maybe four seconds, and then
2:58
Speaker 1: you close it without doing anything. And you say out
3:00
Speaker 1: loud to nobody, I don't even know what I want.
3:02
Speaker 1: The dog looks at you, the plants don't react, and
3:04
Speaker 1: you pour the cold coffee down the sink and make
3:06
Speaker 1: a fresh cup and get on with the day. And
3:08
Speaker 1: none of that felt like a crisis, right? It didn't
3:10
Speaker 1: feel like anything, really. That's exactly the thing. The balcony
3:14
Speaker 1: plant almost died three times this spring and you nursed
3:17
Speaker 1: it back with actual research and a grow light you
3:19
Speaker 1: bought at 11 at night. But you told a perfectly
3:21
Speaker 1: decent man you were too busy. And look, I'm not
3:23
Speaker 1: judging you. I did the same thing over and over
3:25
Speaker 1: and over. I just think we should be honest about
3:27
Speaker 1: the pattern because you're not too much for a full
3:29
Speaker 1: life and love. You're just afraid both can be true
3:32
Speaker 1: at once. That's the thesis. We're going to come back
3:34
Speaker 1: to it. Write it down if you need to. So
3:38
Speaker 1: here's how we're going to do this. Nine signs. I'm
3:40
Speaker 1: naming nine signs that you're the life hoarder, loving your
3:42
Speaker 1: life and still wanting love. without fully knowing you're doing it.
3:45
Speaker 1: I'm going to say this now because it matters. Some
3:47
Speaker 1: of these signs are going to feel like strengths. That's
3:49
Speaker 1: the point. That's what makes this particular pattern so sneaky.
3:52
Speaker 1: We're also going to look at this through a specific lens,
3:54
Speaker 1: which is feminine and masculine energy. And before you clock
3:57
Speaker 1: out on me, this isn't about gender. It's about the
4:00
Speaker 1: energy you're operating from. Masculine energy builds, directs, produces. Feminine
4:05
Speaker 1: energy receives, opens, draws things in. Any partner fits here,
4:09
Speaker 1: any relationship structure. We're just looking at which channel you've
4:11
Speaker 1: got turned on and whether it's the only one running.
4:14
Speaker 1: Make sense? Nine signs. I kept it to nine. You're welcome.
4:19
Speaker 1: I had 13. I narrowed it down out of genuine
4:22
Speaker 1: love for you. And also because I only have so
4:24
Speaker 1: many minutes before someone's partner falls asleep. Let's go. Okay,
4:29
Speaker 1: so sign one. I want to start with a question
4:31
Speaker 1: to you directly, right? When someone asks if you're seeing anyone,
4:33
Speaker 1: what do you say? Not what you think you should say.
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Speaker 1: What do you actually say? Because I'm guessing it sounds
4:38
Speaker 1: something like, I'm good, actually. Not single. Not looking. Just good.
4:43
Speaker 1: And the word good is doing a tremendous amount of
4:44
Speaker 1: heavy lifting in that sentence. Good is the word you
4:47
Speaker 1: use when the real answer is complicated and the hallway
4:49
Speaker 1: is too short for complicated. Sign one is this. You
4:52
Speaker 1: describe your single life as a project that's almost finished.
4:55
Speaker 1: One more promotion, one more trip, one more season of something,
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Speaker 1: one more thing to lock down, and then maybe you'll
4:59
Speaker 1: be open. But the project is never finished because you
5:02
Speaker 1: designed it that way. There's always one more thing to
5:04
Speaker 1: nail down before you unlock the gate. The life hoarder
5:06
Speaker 1: schedules love into a future quarter that never actually arrives.
5:10
Speaker 1: She's very productive. She has a lot of systems. The
5:13
Speaker 1: gate stays shut. Yeah. Picture this. Your best friend asks
5:18
Speaker 1: you directly, and she does ask directly because she always does.
5:20
Speaker 1: She goes, are you actually trying to meet someone or
5:22
Speaker 1: are you just tired? And you pause for four seconds,
5:25
Speaker 1: which is a long time in a conversation, and you
5:27
Speaker 1: change the subject. She notices. She always notices. She doesn't
5:31
Speaker 1: push because she knows you, but she files it away
5:33
Speaker 1: and you both know she files it away and nobody
5:35
Speaker 1: says anything. That's the sign. The four second pause and
5:38
Speaker 1: the subject change. That's where the real answer lives. I
5:42
Speaker 1: used to say I'm focused right now. Like it was
5:44
Speaker 1: a life philosophy, right? I'm focused, very busy, very intentional.
5:48
Speaker 1: My therapist asked me once what focus meant in that
5:50
Speaker 1: specific context. Like what was I focused on exactly? And
5:53
Speaker 1: I opened my mouth and nothing came out. I had
5:55
Speaker 1: no answer because focus meant scared. And I had not
5:58
Speaker 1: said that out loud yet. I also had a vision
6:00
Speaker 1: board during those years that I'm only slightly embarrassed about.
6:03
Speaker 1: My relationship goal was listed directly underneath replace the shower
6:06
Speaker 1: curtain in the same font, same bullet size. I genuinely
6:09
Speaker 1: did not clock that until maybe a year later. So
6:13
Speaker 1: ask yourself honestly, right? Is this really not the right time?
6:15
Speaker 1: Or have you been saying that for a year? Or two?
6:18
Speaker 1: Or more? Just ask the question. You don't have to
6:20
Speaker 1: answer out loud. Sign two. I want you to picture
6:25
Speaker 1: a text. Actually, let me read you one. My sister,
6:27
Speaker 1: who just got engaged, texted me and said, he's coming
6:30
Speaker 1: to family dinner. Please be nice. Just like that. And
6:33
Speaker 1: I stared at that message for longer than I should have.
6:35
Speaker 1: She wasn't asking me to fake happiness. She was asking
6:37
Speaker 1: me to show up and I knew it. And that
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Speaker 1: text is signed too. but not in the way you think.
6:42
Speaker 1: Sign two is that you're more comfortable advising on love
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Speaker 1: than receiving anything about your own. The life hoarder has
6:47
Speaker 1: become completely fluent in other people's feelings. She sends the
6:51
Speaker 1: voice memos. She asks the follow-up questions. She remembers what
6:54
Speaker 1: you said three weeks ago and checks in. She's incredible
6:57
Speaker 1: at it. And she goes quiet when the conversation lands
6:59
Speaker 1: on her own situation. You will send a 15-minute voice
7:03
Speaker 1: memo about someone else's relationship and then give a three-word
7:05
Speaker 1: answer when someone asks about yours. That's the pattern. You're
7:09
Speaker 1: running entirely on that building, directing, managing energy, and you
7:12
Speaker 1: have turned the receiving channel completely off. Sound familiar? At
7:16
Speaker 1: my sister's engagement party, someone I had just met said,
7:20
Speaker 1: you seem like you really have it all together. And
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Speaker 1: I smiled and said, mostly. And in under 10 seconds,
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Speaker 1: I had turned the entire conversation around to them. I
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Speaker 1: got their name, their job, their opinion on something, and
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Speaker 1: I gave away nothing. And I was proud of myself
7:32
Speaker 1: for being easy to talk to. And I also went
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Speaker 1: home that night and felt that ache pretty loud. Makes
7:36
Speaker 1: sense that those two things happen in the same evening, right?
7:40
Speaker 1: My best friend, who is aggressively blunt in the best way,
7:43
Speaker 1: once stopped answering my texts about a particular man on purpose.
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Speaker 1: Just stopped. For a week. I thought something was wrong.
7:49
Speaker 1: I finally asked her what happened and she said, you
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Speaker 1: only ever want to talk about other people's situations. And
7:54
Speaker 1: she was making a point. And it landed. It landed
7:56
Speaker 1: so hard I didn't respond for an hour. Which for
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Speaker 1: me is basically a statement. I have given approximately 400
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Speaker 1: pieces of dating advice over the course of my 20s.
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Speaker 1: I have taken roughly none of it for myself. The
8:06
Speaker 1: ratio is a little embarrassing and I am aware. Text
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Speaker 1: one person this week, and instead of asking how they are,
8:12
Speaker 1: let them ask first. Just try it. One time. Sign three. Okay,
8:17
Speaker 1: here's a confession from me that I did not say
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Speaker 1: out loud for a long time. I used to feel
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Speaker 1: a very specific relief when a date was cancelled. Not neutral. Not,
8:25
Speaker 1: oh well, plans change. Relief. Like something loosened in my
8:28
Speaker 1: chest the moment I could stop preparing for it. And
8:30
Speaker 1: I told myself that was just introversion, that I liked
8:32
Speaker 1: my space, that I was just tired. Sign three is
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Speaker 1: that you feel relief when plans fall through and you're
8:37
Speaker 1: not entirely sure that's just introversion anymore. Because the life
8:40
Speaker 1: order mistakes the relief of solitude for evidence that she
8:42
Speaker 1: doesn't really want a relationship. She does. She's just more
8:45
Speaker 1: practiced at being alone than at being known. The nervous
8:48
Speaker 1: system defaults to whatever it already knows. And alone is known.
8:52
Speaker 1: Being with someone, like really with someone, requires lowering a
8:54
Speaker 1: fence that took years to build and is very well constructed.
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Speaker 1: It's a good fence. She's proud of it. Picture this.
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Speaker 1: You cancel a plan. You pour yourself something good. You
9:05
Speaker 1: sit on the balcony among the plants. The dog wanders
9:07
Speaker 1: out and brings you a sock that is not yours
9:09
Speaker 1: and you don't know where you got it. And you
9:11
Speaker 1: laugh and you think, this is perfect. And it is.
9:14
Speaker 1: It genuinely is. And it is also not the whole thing.
9:16
Speaker 1: Both of those are true at the same time and
9:18
Speaker 1: you breathe through the second part quickly and enjoy the
9:20
Speaker 1: first part and that's the sign. That's exactly it. Right?
9:25
Speaker 1: After my breakup at 26, I spent two years in
9:27
Speaker 1: a studio apartment being, and I want you to notice
9:29
Speaker 1: this language, very intentional about my space, That was the
9:32
Speaker 1: phrase I used. Very intentional about my space. It had
9:35
Speaker 1: approximately one chair that was also my desk chair. There
9:38
Speaker 1: was zero room for visitors, and that was not an accident.
9:40
Speaker 1: It was a design choice I made with my nervous system,
9:42
Speaker 1: without my brain fully signing off on it. I called
9:45
Speaker 1: it healing. It was partly healing and partly a really
9:47
Speaker 1: well-disguised wall. That studio apartment was incredibly intentional, and now
9:51
Speaker 1: I understand why. Now here's the concept I want to name,
9:55
Speaker 1: because it explains all three signs so far. Feminine and
9:58
Speaker 1: masculine energy. Masculine energy builds, directs, produces. Feminine energy receives, opens,
10:04
Speaker 1: draws things in. Neither one is better. Neither one is
10:06
Speaker 1: more evolved. You need both. The life hoarder is running
10:09
Speaker 1: almost entirely on masculine energy and has unplugged the receiving
10:12
Speaker 1: channel so completely she sometimes forgets it exists. She's building
10:15
Speaker 1: and managing and directing, and she's great at it. And
10:18
Speaker 1: the door that would let something in is quietly, efficiently locked.
10:21
Speaker 1: That's not a personality flaw. That's a trained response to
10:24
Speaker 1: something that happened. And we're going to get into what
10:26
Speaker 1: that something is. But first, coming up, the five signs
10:30
Speaker 1: that live in your behavior, not just your feelings, including
10:33
Speaker 1: the one that sounds exactly like a healthy boundary, but
10:36
Speaker 1: isn't quite healthy. Okay, so you're on a date. It's
10:40
Speaker 1: going fine. Actually, fine. Not just fine in the way
10:42
Speaker 1: you text your sister fine when you mean, please stop asking. Actually, fine.
10:45
Speaker 1: He's funny. He asked a follow-up question. He remembered something
10:47
Speaker 1: you said 20 minutes ago, right? And then he goes,
10:50
Speaker 1: so what are you looking for? And something in you
10:52
Speaker 1: shifts just slightly and out comes the answer. The one
10:54
Speaker 1: you've rehearsed, the one that sounds confident and open and
10:57
Speaker 1: gives absolutely nothing away. You say something like, I'm honestly
11:00
Speaker 1: just open, seeing what feels right, not putting pressure on it.
11:03
Speaker 1: And he nods. And you both perform ease for the
11:05
Speaker 1: rest of the hour. And you go home and the
11:07
Speaker 1: ache is a little louder than it was when you left.
11:09
Speaker 1: That's sign five, right? You have a polished answer for
11:12
Speaker 1: what you want and you've never let yourself feel it unedited.
11:15
Speaker 1: The life hoarder has workshopped her answer. It sounds so good.
11:18
Speaker 1: It sounds evolved. It sounds like someone who's done the
11:21
Speaker 1: work and isn't desperate and isn't rushing. And it is
11:23
Speaker 1: also not entirely true. Underneath it is something raw and
11:26
Speaker 1: more specific. I want someone who stays. I want to
11:29
Speaker 1: be chosen and to choose back. I want to come
11:31
Speaker 1: home to a person, not just a space I've designed
11:34
Speaker 1: really well. And you don't say that on a date
11:36
Speaker 1: because it feels like too much and somehow also like
11:38
Speaker 1: not enough at the same time. So you give them
11:40
Speaker 1: the polished version and you wonder why nothing is getting through.
11:44
Speaker 1: Make sense? A woman at a party once told me
11:47
Speaker 1: she'd been saying she was open for three years and
11:49
Speaker 1: had turned down four people in that time. She laughed
11:52
Speaker 1: when she said it. It was the laugh you do
11:53
Speaker 1: when a thing is true and uncomfortable and you're hoping
11:56
Speaker 1: the laugh makes it land softer. I recognized it immediately
11:59
Speaker 1: because I had done it. My polished answer was so
12:01
Speaker 1: good I almost convinced myself I meant it. I did
12:03
Speaker 1: not mean it. Not all the way. So here's what
12:06
Speaker 1: I want you to do. Write out the unpolished answer.
12:09
Speaker 1: Not the date version. Not the version you'd put in
12:11
Speaker 1: a bio somewhere. The version you'd say if no one
12:14
Speaker 1: could see you and nothing was on the line. You
12:16
Speaker 1: don't have to show it to anyone. Just let yourself
12:17
Speaker 1: write a sentence that's actually true. Because the rehearsed answer
12:21
Speaker 1: is a wall. And it has great lighting, but it's
12:23
Speaker 1: still a wall. Right? Sign six. Your inner voice says
12:27
Speaker 1: it every single time. He's fine, but I'm not sure
12:30
Speaker 1: I'm ready. And I want to ask you, ready for
12:32
Speaker 1: what specifically? What does ready look like to you? Because
12:35
Speaker 1: the life order's most convincing move is using readiness as
12:37
Speaker 1: a revolving door. It sounds like wisdom. It sounds like self-awareness.
12:41
Speaker 1: It sounds like something a therapist would be proud of.
12:44
Speaker 1: She says I need to be fully healed, fully stable,
12:46
Speaker 1: fully myself before I let someone in. And it sounds
12:48
Speaker 1: so reasonable. But fully healed isn't a real arrival gate.
12:51
Speaker 1: It's a moving target she invented so she never has
12:54
Speaker 1: to board the plane. Yeah, that's the honest part. He's
12:58
Speaker 1: asking about a second date. He's kind and you know it.
13:01
Speaker 1: He texted when he said he would. He didn't do
13:03
Speaker 1: anything wrong. And the readiness voice is so loud in
13:05
Speaker 1: that moment. But are you sure about him? Are you
13:07
Speaker 1: sure about yourself? Are you ready for what this could
13:10
Speaker 1: turn into? Until sure becomes a kind of never. I
13:13
Speaker 1: was in therapy for three years in my mid to
13:14
Speaker 1: late 20s doing the actual work, the hard kind, and
13:17
Speaker 1: I told my therapist, I'll know when I'm ready. She
13:20
Speaker 1: said what would ready look like? And I described a
13:22
Speaker 1: version of myself that didn't exist yet, perfectly regulated, totally healed,
13:26
Speaker 1: no fear, no scar tissue. And she said quietly, you
13:29
Speaker 1: might be waiting for someone who isn't you. I sat
13:31
Speaker 1: with that for a week, right? Readiness has a shield.
13:36
Speaker 1: That's the concept I want to name here. It's the
13:38
Speaker 1: belief that emotional completion must happen before love is allowed in,
13:41
Speaker 1: that you have to finish yourself before you can be
13:43
Speaker 1: with someone. And it keeps the life order safe, genuinely safe,
13:46
Speaker 1: and it keeps her alone. Because here's what I know now.
13:49
Speaker 1: Readiness isn't a feeling that arrives. It's a decision you
13:52
Speaker 1: make while you're still afraid. I was going to be
13:54
Speaker 1: ready right after I sorted my closet, by the way.
13:56
Speaker 1: It happened at midnight. The closet is incredibly organized. I
13:59
Speaker 1: was still not ready. I also wasn't going to be
14:02
Speaker 1: ready by organizing anything. And that took a while to understand. Now,
14:06
Speaker 1: if this wall feels like something older, something that isn't
14:09
Speaker 1: just a habit or a pattern, but something heavier that
14:11
Speaker 1: showed up before you even had language for it, that's
14:13
Speaker 1: worth taking to a therapist, not just a podcast. I
14:15
Speaker 1: mean that. This episode can name things. A therapist can
14:18
Speaker 1: actually help you move through them. Okay, moving on. Sign 7.
14:23
Speaker 1: Seven times in the past year you said he's not
14:25
Speaker 1: for me and you could not name exactly why. Seven.
14:28
Speaker 1: That's not a feeling. That's a system. And look, I'm
14:30
Speaker 1: not saying every feeling needs a reason or that your
14:32
Speaker 1: gut is wrong. Sometimes the gut is right. But when
14:35
Speaker 1: every candidate fails a test he didn't know he was taking,
14:37
Speaker 1: the standards aren't protecting you from the wrong man anymore.
14:40
Speaker 1: They're protecting you from the exposure of choosing. Right? Because
14:43
Speaker 1: choosing means possibly being wrong. It means being seen trying.
14:46
Speaker 1: And the life hoarder does not get seen trying. She
14:49
Speaker 1: gets seen succeeding or she doesn't get seen at all.
14:52
Speaker 1: A man makes it three dates. He's consistent. He texted
14:55
Speaker 1: back when he said he would. He showed up. He
14:57
Speaker 1: asked real questions and then he mispronounces one word and
15:00
Speaker 1: something in you closes and you tell yourself that feeling
15:02
Speaker 1: is important. Sometimes it is not always. Sometimes that feeling
15:06
Speaker 1: is I was looking for a reason and I found
15:08
Speaker 1: one that was small enough to hold. My younger sister
15:10
Speaker 1: said to me once, and she said it kindly because
15:12
Speaker 1: that's how she says hard things. She just says exactly
15:15
Speaker 1: what she thinks. She goes, you find a reason not
15:17
Speaker 1: to like anyone. You know that And I laughed. And
15:19
Speaker 1: I went home and thought about it for three days.
15:21
Speaker 1: He did not roll up his sleeves in the right way,
15:23
Speaker 1: by the way. That was a real one I told myself.
15:25
Speaker 1: I have decided this is meaningful data. It is not
15:27
Speaker 1: meaningful data. Sound familiar? So the move here is simple
15:32
Speaker 1: and uncomfortable. Name one way you dismiss someone this month
15:34
Speaker 1: and ask yourself honestly whether the reason actually fit or
15:37
Speaker 1: whether the reason fit a pattern. Not to talk yourself
15:40
Speaker 1: into someone you don't want. Just to check who's making
15:42
Speaker 1: the call. You or the wall. Those are two different
15:45
Speaker 1: things and sometimes they give different answers. Sign eight, my
15:49
Speaker 1: mom called on Sunday, which she does every Sunday, 45 minutes,
15:52
Speaker 1: a little warm, a little all over the place, somehow
15:54
Speaker 1: more accurate than a lot of my therapy sessions. She
15:56
Speaker 1: has no credentials. She has just known me for 32 years.
15:59
Speaker 1: And she said, you know, you can have everything you
16:01
Speaker 1: have and still want one more thing that is not greedy.
16:04
Speaker 1: And I wrote it down right away because that's sign
16:06
Speaker 1: eight in one line. You have decided that wanting love
16:09
Speaker 1: on top of a full life is greedy or desperate
16:12
Speaker 1: or ungrateful. The life hoarder has internalized a story somewhere
16:15
Speaker 1: that needing a person is weakness. So she takes the
16:18
Speaker 1: ache and she calls it ungrateful and she puts a
16:20
Speaker 1: lid on it with gratitude and she moves on. And
16:22
Speaker 1: she's very functional and also a little lonely and she
16:25
Speaker 1: doesn't say that out loud. She calls and you can
16:28
Speaker 1: hear it in her voice that she hears something underneath
16:30
Speaker 1: your updates. Your mom goes, are you lonely? And you say, no,
16:34
Speaker 1: I'm just tired. Because lonely feels like a failing and
16:37
Speaker 1: tired feels like evidence you're working hard. Yeah, I know.
16:41
Speaker 1: I've done that one. I told my mom once that
16:44
Speaker 1: I had everything sorted and she said, Sorted isn't the
16:47
Speaker 1: same as whole. She was warming something up on the
16:49
Speaker 1: stove while she said it. Completely offhand. Not even a
16:52
Speaker 1: big moment. I thought about it for a month. And look,
16:55
Speaker 1: my mom called for 45 minutes last Sunday and diagnosed
16:58
Speaker 1: me more accurately than some sessions I paid for. No credentials.
17:01
Speaker 1: Just 32 years of watching me do this thing where
17:03
Speaker 1: I call my longing something more acceptable. She's annoyingly good
17:06
Speaker 1: at it. So the move is this. The next time
17:10
Speaker 1: the egg comes up, don't name it ungrateful. Don't immediately
17:13
Speaker 1: follow it with a list of everything you have. Just
17:16
Speaker 1: let it be named true. Because wanting love is not
17:18
Speaker 1: a symptom of not having enough. It's the part of
17:20
Speaker 1: being human that the full life does not replace, no
17:23
Speaker 1: matter how good the life gets. Right? Sign nine. There's
17:27
Speaker 1: a feeling in the chest when a couple walks past
17:29
Speaker 1: on the street. Not pain, exactly. More like a pull.
17:33
Speaker 1: Like a small tide going somewhere. And you breathe through
17:35
Speaker 1: it almost immediately and move on, and you're very good
17:37
Speaker 1: at that part. That's sign nine. You notice the ache
17:40
Speaker 1: and you manage it away before it can say anything. Okay? Okay.
18:02
Speaker 1: You're walking the dog on a cool evening and a
18:04
Speaker 1: couple across the street is laughing at something and the
18:06
Speaker 1: dog is stealing a sock out of your bag, which
18:08
Speaker 1: he does, and you feel that pull. And you make
18:10
Speaker 1: it maybe five seconds before you open a to-do list
18:12
Speaker 1: on your phone. And the pull gets managed away and
18:14
Speaker 1: the evening continues and you're fine. And fine is not
18:17
Speaker 1: the same as whole and you know that now. Last winter,
18:21
Speaker 1: I sat with that feeling for 10 minutes instead of
18:23
Speaker 1: routing around it. My partner was cooking and the apartment
18:25
Speaker 1: smelled like something warm and the dog was doing something
18:27
Speaker 1: unhinged with a sock and I still felt it. The ache,
18:30
Speaker 1: smaller but real and present. And that was the night
18:33
Speaker 1: I admitted to myself that I had been carrying a
18:34
Speaker 1: version of loneliness even inside the relationship I was in
18:37
Speaker 1: because I had never fully let myself arrive. I had
18:39
Speaker 1: kept a little distance even there because arriving meant being
18:42
Speaker 1: holdable and holdable meant losable. The dog saw me sitting
18:45
Speaker 1: with my feelings and brought me a single sock as comfort.
18:48
Speaker 1: I don't know whose sock it was. I accepted it gratefully, right?
18:52
Speaker 1: So the move here is simple and a little terrifying.
18:55
Speaker 1: Next time that poll comes, count to 30 before you
18:57
Speaker 1: open anything. Don't fix it. Don't schedule something over it.
19:00
Speaker 1: Don't open the app or the list or the playlist.
19:02
Speaker 1: Just let it be there for 30 seconds. That's the
19:04
Speaker 1: whole instruction. 30 seconds. I know you've held worse in
19:07
Speaker 1: that pilot's class you keep complaining about and keep going
19:09
Speaker 1: back to. You can do this. And now here's what
19:13
Speaker 1: I promised you. Coming up, the one wound that lives
19:16
Speaker 1: underneath all nine of these signs and the real reason
19:19
Speaker 1: you have been so incredibly busy building a life you
19:21
Speaker 1: haven't quite let yourself live in. That's next. Okay, so
19:26
Speaker 1: here's the thing underneath all nine of those signs. And
19:28
Speaker 1: I'm going to say it plainly because it deserves to
19:30
Speaker 1: be said plainly, not dressed up in careful language. Underneath
19:34
Speaker 1: every single one of those signs is the same wound.
19:37
Speaker 1: If I want it and I don't get it, that
19:39
Speaker 1: is a loss I cannot survive. Right? That's it. That's
19:42
Speaker 1: the whole architecture. The life hoarder didn't build her life
19:45
Speaker 1: because she loved busyness. She built it because she needed
19:48
Speaker 1: the life to be full enough that losing love became successful.
19:50
Speaker 1: in advance because she already survived losing it before something
19:54
Speaker 1: broke at 26 that was supposed to be solid a
19:56
Speaker 1: person left or pulled away or just slowly stopped showing
19:59
Speaker 1: up and the lesson her nervous system took was not
20:01
Speaker 1: this person was wrong for me the lesson was do
20:04
Speaker 1: not hold this kind of thing it will break you
20:07
Speaker 1: so she got strategic Not consciously, but the nervous system
20:10
Speaker 1: is incredibly good at this. She decided to want things
20:12
Speaker 1: that couldn't leave. A career can't leave. A routine can't leave.
20:16
Speaker 1: A balcony full of plants that you're nursing back from
20:18
Speaker 1: the edge literally cannot leave. Even a dog is reliably, gratefully,
20:21
Speaker 1: stubbornly there. But a person can leave. And she decided,
20:25
Speaker 1: not in words but in scheduling, that she would not
20:27
Speaker 1: let that be something that could happen to her again.
20:30
Speaker 1: She filled every shelf so there was no room for
20:32
Speaker 1: another person to set anything down and then accidentally walk
20:34
Speaker 1: off with it. Makes sense, right? Here's what I want
20:38
Speaker 1: you to hear about that. It was smart. It was
20:40
Speaker 1: genuinely smart. The wound became the architect of the life,
20:43
Speaker 1: placing every ambition and plan and trip and promotion so
20:46
Speaker 1: that there was no gap where a person could either
20:48
Speaker 1: fit or be lost from. And it worked. She's not broken.
20:52
Speaker 1: She's not a mess. She's impressive and capable, and she
20:54
Speaker 1: has a very organized life. The problem is not the life.
20:58
Speaker 1: The problem is that the same blueprint that kept her
21:00
Speaker 1: safe is now keeping out everything she actually wants. The
21:03
Speaker 1: architect is still drawing the same floor plan, even though
21:05
Speaker 1: the emergency is over. You know? You're not too much
21:08
Speaker 1: for a full life and love. You're just afraid both
21:11
Speaker 1: can be true at once. And she built an entire
21:14
Speaker 1: incredible existence to survive not having love. And now there's
21:17
Speaker 1: a podcast episode about it. The irony is genuinely not
21:20
Speaker 1: lost on me. I'm in this with you. I built
21:23
Speaker 1: a version of the same thing. I just had a
21:25
Speaker 1: partner with sticky notes and a rescue dog as witnesses
21:27
Speaker 1: to my ongoing renovation. Yeah. Now here's the hard truth.
21:32
Speaker 1: And I'm going to say it with love because I
21:34
Speaker 1: mean it that way, but I'm not going to soften it.
21:36
Speaker 1: Your full life is not the reason you're not in love.
21:38
Speaker 1: It is the reason you haven't let yourself be. You
21:40
Speaker 1: have called your wall a schedule. You have called your
21:43
Speaker 1: fear standards. You have called your longing ungrateful. And every
21:46
Speaker 1: single one of those reframes was smart and also a
21:48
Speaker 1: little dishonest. You know the difference between a full life
21:51
Speaker 1: and a defended one? Somewhere in your body you have
21:53
Speaker 1: always known. You can have both. The life order doesn't
21:55
Speaker 1: believe that yet. But she is going to have to. Right?
22:00
Speaker 1: You sit with this episode, maybe on the balcony, maybe
22:02
Speaker 1: at the kitchen table with coffee going cold. And you
22:05
Speaker 1: notice a flicker of irritation. Because I called something you're
22:08
Speaker 1: proud of a defense mechanism. And that irritation is information.
22:11
Speaker 1: Real information. Stay with it. Don't manage it away. Don't
22:14
Speaker 1: make a pros and cons list about whether I'm right.
22:16
Speaker 1: Just let it sit there for a second and notice
22:18
Speaker 1: what it's sitting next to. Because I'd be willing to
22:20
Speaker 1: bet it's sitting next to something true. Can we see this?
22:23
Speaker 1: If you're annoyed at me right now, excellent. That means
22:26
Speaker 1: I got close enough to something real. And getting close
22:29
Speaker 1: to something real is actually the whole point. That's not
22:31
Speaker 1: an accident. That's the direction. Okay. So what does the
22:35
Speaker 1: other side actually look like? Because I don't want to
22:37
Speaker 1: leave you with the wound without the door. The other
22:39
Speaker 1: side of the life hoarder is not a woman who
22:41
Speaker 1: dismantles everything she built. She is not out here giving
22:44
Speaker 1: up the morning routine and the job she worked for
22:46
Speaker 1: and the plans she kept alive through sheer stubbornness. She's
22:48
Speaker 1: not that. She is the same woman with one door
22:51
Speaker 1: she has been leaning against finally cracked open. She stops
22:53
Speaker 1: managing to ache out of existence and starts treating it
22:55
Speaker 1: like the honest data it is. She lets the wanting
22:58
Speaker 1: mean something. Right? She still has the job and the
23:02
Speaker 1: mornings and the routine and the dog-stealing socks from wherever
23:05
Speaker 1: socks come from. She still loves herself. She just stopped
23:07
Speaker 1: blocking the door. She practices receiving something small. A compliment.
23:12
Speaker 1: A genuine question about her week. A sticky note on
23:14
Speaker 1: the coffee maker that says something simple. And she lets
23:16
Speaker 1: it land instead of deflecting it into a joke or
23:18
Speaker 1: a pivot. She's running on masculine and feminine energy at
23:21
Speaker 1: the same time. She builds and she receives. She doesn't
23:24
Speaker 1: pick one and call it a personality. Sound familiar? She
23:27
Speaker 1: sits at the table with her plan for the week
23:29
Speaker 1: and she leaves one evening open without filling it. She
23:32
Speaker 1: doesn't add anything to that slot. She doesn't schedule a
23:34
Speaker 1: backup plan. She lets it be a door. One open
23:37
Speaker 1: evening on the calendar. I know, revolutionary. I almost canceled
23:40
Speaker 1: mine twice when I first tried it. My partner thought
23:42
Speaker 1: I was sick. Baby, one open slot is not a
23:45
Speaker 1: personality crisis. It is a practice, okay? So here are
23:49
Speaker 1: four actual moves. One, notice the managing reflex. When you
23:53
Speaker 1: hear yourself say I'm fine or I'm good or I'm
23:55
Speaker 1: focused and you feel a small gap between the word
23:57
Speaker 1: and the truth, pause there. That gap is real information
24:00
Speaker 1: and it's worth more than the polished answer. Two, say
24:03
Speaker 1: the unpolished thing to one person this week. Not a
24:06
Speaker 1: whole speech. One sentence. I actually want someone to come
24:08
Speaker 1: home to. Or I'm lonely sometimes and my life is
24:11
Speaker 1: still good. Both can be true. Say one of them
24:13
Speaker 1: out loud to someone who can hear it. Three, practice
24:16
Speaker 1: one receiving moment per day. Let someone open the door.
24:18
Speaker 1: Answer the question honestly. Take the compliment without immediately redirecting
24:22
Speaker 1: it onto them. The receiving muscle has been off for
24:24
Speaker 1: a while. It needs reps, not a renovation. Four, sit
24:27
Speaker 1: with the egg for 30 seconds before you schedule something
24:29
Speaker 1: over it. That is the whole instruction. 30 seconds, right?
24:34
Speaker 1: Picture a Tuesday evening. You close the laptop. The dog
24:37
Speaker 1: is doing something completely unhinged with a sock. The apartment
24:39
Speaker 1: is quiet. And instead of opening your phone, you just
24:41
Speaker 1: sit there for 30 seconds and let the feeling be
24:43
Speaker 1: exactly what it is. You don't fix it. You don't
24:46
Speaker 1: research it. You just let it be there. My partner
24:48
Speaker 1: asked me once early on what I actually needed. And
24:51
Speaker 1: I sat with it long enough to genuinely answer. It
24:53
Speaker 1: took an embarrassing amount of effort for one sentence, but
24:55
Speaker 1: I said it. He nodded and handed me an iced coffee.
24:58
Speaker 1: That was enough. That was actually enough. Make sense? 30
25:02
Speaker 1: seconds of sitting with your feelings. I know you've held
25:05
Speaker 1: worse than that pilot's class you keep complaining about and
25:07
Speaker 1: keep attending anyway. Every single week, you can do 30 seconds.
25:11
Speaker 1: I believe in you completely and also I'm laughing a
25:13
Speaker 1: little because same. Same. Say this out loud. Write it
25:18
Speaker 1: down if out loud feels too much right now. I
25:20
Speaker 1: want a full life and I want love and both
25:22
Speaker 1: are allowed. Say it. It doesn't have to feel true yet.
25:26
Speaker 1: Say it anyway. The body learns from the mouth sometimes
25:28
Speaker 1: before it learns from the mind. She's not a different woman.
25:32
Speaker 1: She's the same woman, same apartment, same balcony, same slightly
25:35
Speaker 1: chaotic dog, same life she built from scratch in a
25:38
Speaker 1: city she moved to at 22, knowing almost no one.
25:40
Speaker 1: Same her. With one door she's been leaning against finally
25:43
Speaker 1: cracked open, she stops managing the ache out of existence
25:46
Speaker 1: and starts treating it like honest data. She trusts that
25:49
Speaker 1: wanting didn't destroy her. It taught her. And she has
25:51
Speaker 1: enough now to want from a steadier place, right? She
25:55
Speaker 1: also still has the plants and the dog and the
25:57
Speaker 1: iced coffee and that pilot's class she will keep attending
26:00
Speaker 1: and complaining about in equal measure. She didn't have to
26:03
Speaker 1: give any of it up. What a deal. Genuinely, what
26:06
Speaker 1: an excellent deal. So here's where we land. The life
26:09
Speaker 1: hoarder built something real and it is worth keeping. What
26:12
Speaker 1: she's learning is that keeping it and wanting more were
26:14
Speaker 1: never the same choice. They were never in competition. The
26:17
Speaker 1: ache is not a problem. It's not ingratitude. It's not weakness.
26:21
Speaker 1: It's not a sign your life isn't enough. It is
26:23
Speaker 1: the next honest thing. Let it be honest. You're not
26:27
Speaker 1: too much for a full life in love. You're just
26:29
Speaker 1: afraid both can be true at once. And now you
26:32
Speaker 1: have permission from a 32-year-old who has almost killed four plants,
26:35
Speaker 1: accepted a sock from a dog as emotional support, and
26:38
Speaker 1: still has a life she loves. You are welcome. If
26:41
Speaker 1: this episode landed somewhere real for you, Send it to
26:43
Speaker 1: the friend who keeps saying she's fine, she's focused, she's
26:46
Speaker 1: just not ready. She needs to hear this too. And
26:48
Speaker 1: if you've got an answer to this question, I want it.
26:51
Speaker 1: What would you do differently this week if you actually
26:52
Speaker 1: believed both were allowed? Think about it. Come find me
26:55
Speaker 1: and tell me. I'll read it. Take care of yourself.
26:59
Speaker 1: I'll talk to you soon. This show is made by
27:02
Speaker 1: Oba Media.