Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #431 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#431 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just answers. Now.
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  Speaker 2: I love the Helen Keller quote. Life is a daring
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  Speaker 2: adventure or it is nothing.
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  Speaker 3: And it has certainly been a daring adventure ever since
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  Speaker 3: you came into my life.
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  Speaker 4: Let's make it an adventure.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 4: Gooday.
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  Speaker 2: This is doctor Justin Coulson, the author of a lot
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  Speaker 2: of books about raising happy families. So I'm here with Kylie,
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  Speaker 2: my wife and mum to our six daughters. It's been
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  Speaker 2: quite a week, Kylie.
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  Speaker 4: It has.
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  Speaker 3: It's our first week, solid week where we are actually
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  Speaker 3: living in separate houses. You've done a lot of traveling
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  Speaker 3: over the years, so we have spent a lot of
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  Speaker 3: nights on our own, but this is the first time
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  Speaker 3: we've actually.
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  Speaker 4: Lived separately in separate houses. Yeah. Yeah, So you've got
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  Speaker 4: the kids. You're on the coast.
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  Speaker 2: I'm at home in bris Vegas getting the house ready
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  Speaker 2: to pack up and sell up, and the trades are
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  Speaker 2: coming in and tidying up and all that sort of stuff.
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  Speaker 2: And it's been a week in fact, between me doing
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  Speaker 2: all that and you, I mean, your week's been pretty
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  Speaker 2: fall on, right, I'm.
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  Speaker 3: Looking for a house. We don't even really know the coach,
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  Speaker 3: so I don't know suburbs, I don't know.
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  Speaker 4: What the schools a lot the Google maps.
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  Speaker 3: I don't know. I don't know anything. We don't know
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  Speaker 3: anyone here really, so I'm pretty much on my own.
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  Speaker 3: And while I'm doing that, you're down here working, navigating tradees,
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  Speaker 3: writing a book.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, and the list goes on. So we wanted to
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  Speaker 4: share with you a little bit.
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  Speaker 2: So every Friday, I'll Do Better Tomorrow as an episode
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  Speaker 2: where we take you into our lives, our reflections as
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  Speaker 2: we try to make that incremental, continual, gradual improvement to
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  Speaker 2: make our family function better, or.
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  Speaker 3: Just recognize the growth that has taken place, as as
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  Speaker 3: we've wrestled and struggled with choices and decisions.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, what can we do better tomorrow to make our
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  Speaker 2: family happier? And this week has been interesting because we've
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  Speaker 2: been a part. You've had the kids. I've been on
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  Speaker 2: my own, so I really can't talk much about what
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  Speaker 2: I could do to be a better dad when I'm
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  Speaker 2: not with the kids, and I won't be for another
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  Speaker 2: few weeks except for on the weekends.
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  Speaker 4: When we catch up.
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  Speaker 2: I'm very much looking forward tonight when I get to
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  Speaker 2: hang out with you and the kids again.
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  Speaker 3: But well, yes and no, because I think that sometimes
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  Speaker 3: we think that our parenting happens in the moment we're
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  Speaker 3: with our children, but who we are as a parent
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  Speaker 3: also happens in our private moments as well. The person
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  Speaker 3: we want to be with our children actually starts in private.
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  Speaker 3: So what you're going through this week and what you're
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  Speaker 3: trying and striving for to be a better parent while
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  Speaker 3: you haven't had the kids in your care impacts our
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  Speaker 3: family in enormous ways.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I've certainly done a lot of thinking about
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  Speaker 2: parenting this week, that's for sure, and missing the kids
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  Speaker 2: as well.
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  Speaker 3: So refereeing over the phone.
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  Speaker 4: Like I said, I'm.
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  Speaker 2: Looking forward to being with you guys later tonight. The
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  Speaker 2: reason that we're doing today's podcast and the topic that
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  Speaker 2: we've got is because we thought we'd take you behind
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  Speaker 2: the scenes. What is it that makes a family pack
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  Speaker 2: up a move? How do you make that decision, especially
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  Speaker 2: when you make it fairly quickly like we have, So we.
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  Speaker 4: Thought we'd give you a bit of a sneak peek and.
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  Speaker 2: Share the story about why we're leaving Brisbane and heading
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  Speaker 2: to the coast.
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  Speaker 3: So on Monday, we gave you a little bit of
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  Speaker 3: an insight into the last six months of my headspace
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  Speaker 3: and my challenges, which while it was me having to
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  Speaker 3: kind of do the heavy lifting in relation to the
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  Speaker 3: thought processes, it had a huge impact on our whole family.
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  Speaker 2: It's been pretty rough six months as you've been psychologically low,
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  Speaker 2: to say the very least. The kids have felt it.
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  Speaker 2: I've felt it. I mean, it reverberates out, but obviously
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  Speaker 2: you're feeling it the most because you're the one that's
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  Speaker 2: going through it and you can see the impact that
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  Speaker 2: it's having on everyone. But it's still you feel even
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  Speaker 2: worse about feeling bad because you can see what's happening
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  Speaker 2: there so well.
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  Speaker 3: The reality is I literally I got to a point
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  Speaker 3: where I thought the only way that I could see through.
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  Speaker 4: This was I had to walk. I actually had to
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  Speaker 4: walk out the door.
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  Speaker 3: Leave everything behind, and find myself a little cabin in
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  Speaker 3: the woods and disappear. That's what it felt like. It
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  Speaker 3: was so overwhelming, and all I could see was I
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  Speaker 3: was disappointing and letting everyone that I loved down because
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  Speaker 3: I wasn't able to do all of the things that
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  Speaker 3: I wanted to do, and I thought that everyone would
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  Speaker 3: just be better off without me.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, and that's a horrible, horrible hard place to be.
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  Speaker 2: But as you went through that thought process over a
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  Speaker 2: number of months, what you identified is that even though
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  Speaker 2: there's a lot to like about where we've.
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  Speaker 4: Been in Brisbane.
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  Speaker 2: We've got beautiful neighbors and there were a whole lot
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  Speaker 2: of things that we could tick boxes on and say, look,
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  Speaker 2: this is great, and this is great and this is great,
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  Speaker 2: there was more missing than there was present, and the
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  Speaker 2: good that we had was not enough to say we
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  Speaker 2: want to keep living this way. We were in that
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  Speaker 2: hard place. We've identified these things that are missing and
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  Speaker 2: the real catalyst, I think every couple goes through this
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  Speaker 2: every time you go on a holiday to the coast,
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  Speaker 2: you start looking in the real estate windows, or you
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  Speaker 2: start having that conversation, Chi, wouldn't it be nice to
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  Speaker 2: live here or to have this experience?
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  Speaker 4: Wouldn't it be nice to be closer to the beach.
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  Speaker 2: Wouldn't it be nice to be able to walk along the
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  Speaker 2: sand a couple of times a week instead of once
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  Speaker 2: every couple of months. And as we've talked to people
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  Speaker 2: about the decision we've made. That's the thing that everyone says.
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  Speaker 2: They're like, ah, yeah, every time we go to the coast,
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  Speaker 2: we're like, Oh, wouldn't it be good to live here.
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  Speaker 3: I wonder if it's like Emily though, she came in
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  Speaker 3: the other morning and she said, when I grow up,
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  Speaker 3: I want a limo filled with Lolly's.
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  Speaker 4: That's right, it's just this dream, this wish.
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  Speaker 3: I wonder if I wonder if holidaying on the coast
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  Speaker 3: and living on the coast are different.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I guess I don't think it is, because we've
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  Speaker 2: done it so many times throughout our lives. We've lived
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  Speaker 2: on the coast a lot, and we know that that's
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  Speaker 2: what we want. We know that's what we miss.
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  Speaker 4: We love that.
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  Speaker 2: So we talked about that, and I remember as we
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  Speaker 2: drove home from the coast, I looked at you and said,
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  Speaker 2: I not that I'm preempting anything here at all, but
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  Speaker 2: if I found out that I only had a year
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  Speaker 2: to live, or a month to live or whatever, the
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  Speaker 2: first thing that I would do is I would pack
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  Speaker 2: up the house and sell and move to the coast.
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  Speaker 2: That's where I get my energy from. I mean I
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  Speaker 2: just live for being on the beach. And after I
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  Speaker 2: said that, I remember, we sort of sat in silence
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  Speaker 2: for a moment, and then I.
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  Speaker 4: Said to you, you did not I said it. I said,
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  Speaker 4: what on earth are we doing? You reckon? You said that?
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  Speaker 4: I said that, what are we doing? You said you really? Yes, No,
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  Speaker 4: it was me. I'm sure it was all hilarious, as.
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  Speaker 2: One of us said to the other, why on earth
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  Speaker 2: are we doing this? If this is where we want
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  Speaker 2: to be, why are we not here? And we've identified
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  Speaker 2: maybe it's a really privileged position, but we've all got choice.
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  Speaker 2: If we move to the coast, we can't possibly live
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  Speaker 2: in quite as nice a home, we can't have quite
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  Speaker 2: as much land, we can't have a lot of the
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  Speaker 2: things that we've got in Brisbane because the cost of
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  Speaker 2: living in Brisbane, the cost of real estate in Brisbane
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  Speaker 2: is a lot lower than it is on the coast.
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  Speaker 2: But there's those things on the coast that matter to us,
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  Speaker 2: and so we're willing to pay the price to do that.
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  Speaker 2: And that was that was a couple of weeks ago,
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  Speaker 2: and now you're on the coast, just like that. I
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  Speaker 2: love the hell and Keller quote. Life is a daring
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  Speaker 2: adventure or it is nothing.
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  Speaker 3: And it has certainly been a daring adventure ever since
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  Speaker 3: you came into my life.
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  Speaker 4: Let's make it an adventure after the break.
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  Speaker 2: A couple of other ideas about making these kinds of
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  Speaker 2: changes with your family.
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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
• 7:13
  Speaker 5: Our Screens Creating Tension at Home, betweens, teens and Screens
• 7:17
  Speaker 5: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.
• 7:22
  Speaker 5: Bye today at happy families dot com dot au slash shop.
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  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families Podcast, The podcast for the time
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  Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, I'll do better tomorrow. What's working, what's not? How
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  Speaker 2: can we be better? We've decided that we can be
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  Speaker 2: better if we live near the beach. We can have
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  Speaker 2: a little bit more lifestyle, even if we've got to
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  Speaker 2: drive ten to fifteen minutes to get there. We're looking
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  Speaker 2: forward to a sea change like so many other people,
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  Speaker 2: as a result of what covid has done, the awareness
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  Speaker 2: that things can change and that we've perhaps got more
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  Speaker 2: options than we thought.
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  Speaker 3: It's interesting we have been oscillating on this decision about
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  Speaker 3: whether or not we stay.
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  Speaker 4: Where we are.
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  Speaker 3: We have a beautiful home, and we've got beautiful neighbors,
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  Speaker 3: and we've really really loved our personal space. It's hard,
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  Speaker 3: it's really hard, and as such, the idea of moving
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  Speaker 3: away and leaving those things behind has been really hard.
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  Speaker 3: And for the last two or three years now, we've
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  Speaker 3: kind of talked about the fact that we miss the
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  Speaker 3: lifestyle that living near the beach afforded our family. We
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  Speaker 3: used to take the kids down to the beach before
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  Speaker 3: we before school. In the morning, they'd show up with
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  Speaker 3: wet hair because they they'd be swimming, or you know,
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  Speaker 3: in late afternoon, we'd go down for a walk along
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  Speaker 3: the beach with the dog, or you and I would
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  Speaker 3: do the harbor walk at night time once the kids
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  Speaker 3: were all asleep. Like, we miss that, the just the
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  Speaker 3: relaxing you.
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  Speaker 4: Need to stop. Everyone's going to move the coasts and
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  Speaker 4: there's not gonna be any space for us.
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  Speaker 3: It's just it's just it's such a different way of life,
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  Speaker 3: it is, and so we've missed that, and we've talked
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  Speaker 3: about it for years, but we've always felt like we're
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  Speaker 3: just we've we're here, We've made a decision to be here.
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  Speaker 3: We've got lots of commitments here, and it just didn't
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  Speaker 3: feel like we actually really could make that choice. But
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  Speaker 3: over the last few weeks, as we've kind of, I guess,
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  Speaker 3: had this epiphany if we were going to end, if
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  Speaker 3: life was going to end, we weren't going to be sick.
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  Speaker 3: We just if life was going to end in the
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  Speaker 3: next few years, what would we change. And this is
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  Speaker 3: the one thing that we not only have control over,
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  Speaker 3: but would change in a heartbeat.
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  Speaker 4: So how's the house hunting going. I've looked at lots
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  Speaker 4: of houses. Do you know you are around the coast?
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  Speaker 4: Yet I'm getting there slowly.
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  Speaker 2: So what we've actually done is we've gone and high
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  Speaker 2: an airbnb for a couple of weeks, just so that
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  Speaker 2: we can get ourselves oriented. And we're probably going to
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  Speaker 2: end up renting for a while.
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  Speaker 3: So the reason this has kind of happened so fast,
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  Speaker 3: so the kids have got to start school, right, Yeah.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, we haven't have done it so quickly otherwise No.
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  Speaker 3: And so it was either we wait a whole year
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  Speaker 3: and let our daughter who's in year twelve, finish, or
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  Speaker 3: we relocate now because we have a daughter starting year seven,
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  Speaker 3: so she's studying a brand new school as well. And
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  Speaker 3: the reality is we actually want to be there, so
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  Speaker 3: let's go. We've literally in about seventy two hours.
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  Speaker 2: We were literally driving home from the coast and we said,
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  Speaker 2: let's do this. And within two weeks you'd moved. It
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  Speaker 2: was literally that fast. And that's what I love about it.
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  Speaker 2: You've got one last idea to probably share, to maybe
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  Speaker 2: inspire or give.
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  Speaker 4: Some ideas well.
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  Speaker 3: I found a couple of quotes, and this one I
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  Speaker 3: found a little while ago while I was still in
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  Speaker 3: some pretty deep mess, and it just said, even though
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  Speaker 3: it doesn't feel like it right now, you're going to
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  Speaker 3: end up exactly where you need to be, with the
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  Speaker 3: people who love you the most, doing what you were
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  Speaker 3: created to do. Until then, just keep going. And I
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  Speaker 3: just loved the vision that it provided for me that
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  Speaker 3: there was hope, there is something out there that is
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  Speaker 3: going to fill our lives with the things that we want,
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  Speaker 3: and the beach is definitely one of those things. And
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  Speaker 3: just that notion of just keep going, because while ever
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  Speaker 3: you keep going, you're moving forward, even if it's just
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  Speaker 3: a tiny little shuffle, we're making progress. But then after
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  Speaker 3: we'd made the decision, and granted there's a few people
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  Speaker 3: who think we're completely nuts, because I saw this, it
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  Speaker 3: came up on my feet and I just loved it.
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  Speaker 3: It said, even if you go for it and it
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  Speaker 3: doesn't work out, you still win. You still have the
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  Speaker 3: guts enough to head straight into something that frightened you.
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  Speaker 3: That type of bravery will take you places. And as
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  Speaker 3: I read that to you, you were kind of like, Oh,
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  Speaker 3: I think there is something that there's so much energy
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  Speaker 3: around making a decision that feels right for you, even
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  Speaker 3: if it doesn't make sense to anyone else. And the
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  Speaker 3: reality is, it doesn't make sense to anyone else but us.
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  Speaker 3: And I don't know what school the kids are going
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  Speaker 3: to go to yet, we don't have a permanent residence yet,
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  Speaker 3: or we don't have friends. But this decision has just
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  Speaker 3: felt right from the moment we made it. And I
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  Speaker 3: have more clarity and more presence in this decision than
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  Speaker 3: I have had for a long time.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Johann Wolfgng von gertze Gerze is what Gutu is best
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  Speaker 2: known as, says this great thing. He says, whatever you
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  Speaker 2: can do or dream, you can begin it. Boldness has genius,
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  Speaker 2: power and magic in it. Actually I'm not sure if
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  Speaker 2: it was good, but that's who it's usually attributed to anyway,
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  Speaker 2: we feel like we're doing something little bit bold. We
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  Speaker 2: wanted to share that with you. Hopefully it's inspiring, Hopefully
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  Speaker 2: it's not too indulgent. Thank you for letting us share
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  Speaker 2: this part of our story with you, and we look
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  Speaker 2: forward to keeping you updated on how we go in
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  Speaker 2: the house hunting, in the school searching, and the move,
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: which is a little bit challenging being separated like this.
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  Speaker 2: The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: Bridge Media.
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  Speaker 4: Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
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  Speaker 2: If you'd like more and fo about making your family happier,
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: you can contact a real estate agent on the coast perhaps,
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: or for something a bit more practical, Happy families dot
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  Speaker 2: com dot a u