Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1257 - Connecting When You're Always Correcting

Transcript

#1257 - Connecting When You're Always Correcting · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: At times it feels like your kids are completely out
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  Speaker 1: of control today. What to do when your child is
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  Speaker 1: having tantrums, being disruptive, aggressive, saying no, non cooperative, not
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  Speaker 1: participating and all of those hard things. It's another tricky question.
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  Speaker 1: On the Happy Families podcast, so glad to have you
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  Speaker 1: along real parenting solutions every day. On Australia's most downloaded
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  Speaker 1: parenting podcasts, we are Justin and Kylie Colson. Every Tuesday,
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  Speaker 1: we answer your tricky questions family stuff, behavior stuff, relationships,
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  Speaker 1: well being, screens, discipline. It doesn't matter what it is.
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  Speaker 1: You could literally ask us anything, we'll have a chat
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  Speaker 1: about it on the pod. Or you need to do is
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  Speaker 1: send us a voice note to podcasts at Happy families
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  Speaker 1: dot com. Do you or visit Happy Families dot com
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  Speaker 1: dot you with your tricky question. There's a super simple
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  Speaker 1: system there. We scroll out of the podcast part on page,
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  Speaker 1: click the record button and start talking. Just like Anna
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  Speaker 1: who asked us this.
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  Speaker 2: I'm having trouble with my daughter. She's eleven, but she's
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  Speaker 2: in full puberty and teenager here. She's constantly upset, lying, screaming,
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  Speaker 2: not listening. Every morning, every day is a battle. I'm
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  Speaker 2: just struggling so much to deal with everything, and I
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  Speaker 2: don't know any more what to do.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, Kylie, big question. You can hear the sadness in
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  Speaker 1: AND's voice, you can hear the I don't know it's
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  Speaker 1: desperations the right word.
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  Speaker 3: I think it's just a resolve that this is what
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  Speaker 3: life's become, and she doesn't see it out the exhaustion.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just so hard. There could be so many
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  Speaker 1: different things that are promoting and creating these challenges, and so,
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  Speaker 1: in the limit of time that we've gotten, because there's
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  Speaker 1: not a lot of information, let's just summarize what's going on.
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  Speaker 1: Eleven year old girl, lying, screaming, not listening, creating challenges
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  Speaker 1: on the daily every morning. Every day is a battle.
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  Speaker 1: And we've got a mum who's really struggling. So we
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  Speaker 1: don't know if there are big sisters or brothers, little
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  Speaker 1: sisters or brothers. All we know is we've got this
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  Speaker 1: child who's struggling. Don't know if dad's in the picture either.
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  Speaker 1: So there's a handful of things that we need to
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  Speaker 1: talk about. The first is just challenging behavior. Children behave
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  Speaker 1: in challenging ways, usually because they have needs that aren't
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  Speaker 1: being met. And sometimes it's physiological like basic safety needs
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  Speaker 1: and that kind of thing. Other times it's psychological needs.
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  Speaker 1: And on this podcast we talk all the time about
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  Speaker 1: our children's three basic psychological needs. When I hear that
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  Speaker 1: there's an eleven year old experiencing this level of distress,
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  Speaker 1: this level of dysfunction, this level of deviation, those three
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  Speaker 1: d's that indicate that there are definite challenges, I'm worried
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  Speaker 1: here about things like depression and anxiety, although again we've
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  Speaker 1: got limited information, even adhd Odd, it could be any
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  Speaker 1: number of different things if we're looking for a diagnosis.
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  Speaker 1: I'm not the kind of person who rushes for diagnoses,
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  Speaker 1: but these things are indicative of dysfunction where somebody might
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  Speaker 1: step in there. Behaviorally, I'm interested in exploring what's going on,
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  Speaker 1: explaining what the rules are, and then empowering my child
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  Speaker 1: to come up with some ways that we can navigate
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  Speaker 1: these challenging times. So if mornings are tough, I want
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  Speaker 1: to sit down with my child and say we're having
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  Speaker 1: some really tough mornings. What's actually going on for you?
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  Speaker 1: Is it that things are terrible at school and relationships
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  Speaker 1: are horrible, or your child feels incompetent at school, maybe
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  Speaker 1: they're being bullied. All of those kinds of things mean
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  Speaker 1: that morning is going to be horrible, not because there's
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  Speaker 1: a problem at home, but what's happening at home builds
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  Speaker 1: into what the rest of the day has to be,
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  Speaker 1: and they're nervous about the rest of the day.
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  Speaker 3: There's so much going on for an eleven year old girl,
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  Speaker 3: so much going on change almost I'm starting to just
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  Speaker 3: ramp up, and she can't make sense of it, let
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  Speaker 3: alone makes sense of the world outside her. So she's
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  Speaker 3: got all of this internal turmoil, and clearly there is
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  Speaker 3: some outside turmoil wherever that's coming from. And so our
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  Speaker 3: job as parents is literally about exploring that. And sometimes
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  Speaker 3: because of the lack of connection that exists because of
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  Speaker 3: the challenging behavior, it's really hard to make that initial connection.
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  Speaker 1: And let's just tap into that word. This is the
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  Speaker 1: key thing that I wanted to get to, and that
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  Speaker 1: is that when you've got a child who is not
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  Speaker 1: responding to you, when you've got a child who is arguing, fighting,
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  Speaker 1: blowing up, your relationship becomes correction and direction and there's
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  Speaker 1: a lack of connection. Definition of connection that I emphasize
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  Speaker 1: over and over and over again, is feeling seen hurd
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  Speaker 1: and valued. And I would guarantee, no matter how much
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  Speaker 1: Anna is trying, I guarantee that from this eleven year
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  Speaker 1: old's perspective, she's just saying, I don't feel seen, hurd
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  Speaker 1: and valued.
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  Speaker 3: And it's a perspective thing. Mum could be doing so
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  Speaker 3: many amazing things, but her daughter doesn't perceive the that's
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  Speaker 3: being offered.
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  Speaker 1: And that will usually be because with the very best
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  Speaker 1: of intentions, where as parents are stepping in with control,
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  Speaker 1: we're stepping in with correction and direction, command and control.
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  Speaker 1: There are these two other basic psychological needs, right. It's
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  Speaker 1: not just relatedness, it's also feeling competent. So if I'm
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  Speaker 1: stepping in with command and control, correction and direction, kids
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  Speaker 1: don't feel confident because I'm telling them that they're doing
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  Speaker 1: it wrong, and I'm also stepping in and taking control
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  Speaker 1: and taking their autonomy away, and they don't feel like
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  Speaker 1: they have a voice. I don't feel like they have
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  Speaker 1: any sense of being in the driver's seat of their
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  Speaker 1: own lives.
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  Speaker 3: But they also don't have a sense that you actually
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  Speaker 3: understand what they're going through.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah you don't get me, yeah, totally.
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  Speaker 3: And so before we can even have these conversations. When
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  Speaker 3: we've got a child that's that distressed. Sometimes it's actually
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  Speaker 3: about taking away the agenda, not even having the conversation,
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  Speaker 3: and going and finding some space, some time to just
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  Speaker 3: be together. If there's something that she loves doing, rollerskating
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  Speaker 3: or riding a bike or going to the beach or whatever,
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  Speaker 3: just creating the time and the space to distance yourself
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  Speaker 3: from all the drama that's existing and connect.
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  Speaker 1: Even hearing you say that, though, something that jumps into
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  Speaker 1: my mind here is just the value of getting away
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  Speaker 1: for the weekend, going camping, getting away from everything. We
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  Speaker 1: don't do a great job of this. We're so busy,
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  Speaker 1: we're so hurried. Love is spelled time to a child,
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  Speaker 1: but what is hurry? Spell? And when we're correcting, directing,
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  Speaker 1: taking away agency, taking away a sense of control in
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  Speaker 1: their lives because we're taking control ourselves because we're so
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  Speaker 1: ticked off because they're upsetting us and nothing's working out.
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  Speaker 1: This is really challenging to hear, but as parents, we've
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  Speaker 1: literally got to do the opposite of what we want
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  Speaker 1: to do in these situations.
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  Speaker 3: That's right.
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  Speaker 1: If you want to speed it up, you've got to
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  Speaker 1: slow it down. You want to get into control, You've
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  Speaker 1: got to step back and give them voice. These things
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  Speaker 1: are really really hard. Now after the break, there are
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  Speaker 1: two other things that we've really got to talk about
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  Speaker 1: that could definitely move the needle. Okay, so in love
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  Speaker 1: of year old girl who's having a really big challenge.
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  Speaker 1: My centraal thesis here, my main hypothesis is that basic
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  Speaker 1: psychological needs are being stomped on by well intentioned but frustrated, harried, exhausted,
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  Speaker 1: and over at parents who are unfortunately struggling to help
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  Speaker 1: kids feel connected, help kids feel like they have a
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  Speaker 1: sense of control, and help kids feel like they're competent
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  Speaker 1: at anything.
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  Speaker 3: And almost certainly struggling to manage their own emotions.
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  Speaker 1: Aroound me, right, that's it. I mean we sit here
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  Speaker 1: and do this podcasts and we talk about how as
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  Speaker 1: parents we just need to help the kids with ABC
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  Speaker 1: and D, but sometimes we're talking to parents who are
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  Speaker 1: dealing with their own staff, big baggage diagnosis of their
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  Speaker 1: own anxiety depression ADHD, adult challenges, financial issues, all that
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  Speaker 1: sort of stuff, and parents just going I can't do it,
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  Speaker 1: like I don't know how to do it. So that
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  Speaker 1: brings me to the second thing that I wanted to emphasize.
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  Speaker 1: When I hear this and I hear Anna's voice, and
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  Speaker 1: I hear that tiredness, that weariness that I don't know,
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  Speaker 1: I just don't know anymore, that hopelessness in Anna's voice.
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  Speaker 1: What I'm really curious about is what are we doing
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  Speaker 1: as parents? What are we doing as parents that we're
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  Speaker 1: not aware of, or that we're doing with good intentions,
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  Speaker 1: but it's actually undermining the very thing that we're trying
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  Speaker 1: to do. I've just started listening to a pod that
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  Speaker 1: I've heard about a lot of times. There's a guy
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  Speaker 1: called Billy Garvey and he's a pediatric neurodevelopmental psychologist, and
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  Speaker 1: I'm listening to the conversations he's having very much like
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  Speaker 1: the conversations we have. It's almost like we're the same podcast.
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  Speaker 1: But he's got a more medical focus. I've got a
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  Speaker 1: more psychological focus. But as I'm listening to him talk
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  Speaker 1: to his co host Nick, I'm hearing this dad Nick,
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  Speaker 1: Who's saying, Yeah, I did this, and Billy's like, it's wrong,
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  Speaker 1: You're doing it wrong. You've got the best intentions, and
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  Speaker 1: it makes sense, Like logically, it makes sense that you're
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  Speaker 1: doing it, But how's this perceived for your child? And
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  Speaker 1: as I'm listening to Anna and I'm thinking about what's
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  Speaker 1: going on, I can't help. I don't want to shame parents.
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to say you're doing it wrong. But
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  Speaker 1: what I'm actually saying is you're probably doing it wrong,
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  Speaker 1: because most of us are. When our children are having
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  Speaker 1: these kinds of challenges. We're stepping in with the best
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  Speaker 1: of intentions, but we're undermining the things that I need
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  Speaker 1: the most. Thinking that we're fixing it. I'm actually going
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  Speaker 1: to suggest that, not that I'm trying to flog a book.
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  Speaker 1: I make three bucks on a book, right, like the
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  Speaker 1: publisher takes all the money. But get a copy of
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  Speaker 1: my book Misconnection. It will show you how to do
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  Speaker 1: it right. It'll show you how to step into need support,
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  Speaker 1: and I think it'll make a difference. There's one last
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  Speaker 1: thing to wrap up with. Lately, I've been doing a
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  Speaker 1: lot of listening, a lot of reading, a lot of
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  Speaker 1: learning around how so much of the psychological drama that
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  Speaker 1: we and our children experience in our lives has to
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  Speaker 1: do with nothing psychological at all. It has to do
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  Speaker 1: with lifestyle factors, like what we're eating, and how much
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  Speaker 1: we're sleeping, how much we're moving our body, what our
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  Speaker 1: friendships are like, and how much nature we're getting.
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  Speaker 3: And I just wonder she clearly hasn't shared it with us,
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  Speaker 3: but I wonder whether or not her daughter has screens.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, at eleven.
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  Speaker 3: We've watched it with so many of our friends and
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  Speaker 3: their children. Earlier we introduce hand how devices to our children,
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  Speaker 3: the bigger the detrimental impact it has on them.
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  Speaker 1: So that's anecdotally. I've actually got the evidence. There's some
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  Speaker 1: research out of a place in the States called the
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  Speaker 1: Sapiens Lab, and they've gone to a great, big cohort
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  Speaker 1: of eighteen to twenty four year olds. They've done a
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  Speaker 1: well being test, mental health quotient, and there's just us
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  Speaker 1: one question in there about screens. How old were you
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  Speaker 1: when you were first given your very own first handheld device?
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  Speaker 1: And they found that there's this remarkably strong correlation, especially
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  Speaker 1: for girls. The younger she gets given that device, the
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  Speaker 1: greater the mental health challenges she experiences in her early twenties.
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  Speaker 1: So when you're dealing with an with an eleven year
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  Speaker 1: old who's moving from a play based childhood to a
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  Speaker 1: screen based childhood. To use Jonathan Hat's words, her relationships
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  Speaker 1: are changing, she's not getting as much physical activity, her
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  Speaker 1: body's changed, her body is changing, She's probably not getting
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  Speaker 1: as much high qualities sleep because of the screens as well.
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  Speaker 1: I'm not saying that it's a screen thing. I'm saying
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  Speaker 1: this could be part of it. All those other factors
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  Speaker 1: are linked to screens. They also apply even if screens
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  Speaker 1: aren't the issue. So let me save them again. Quality
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  Speaker 1: of relationships at home and at school, fiscal activity, sleep, nutrition.
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  Speaker 1: The more food she eats that comes out of a packet,
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  Speaker 1: the worse it's going to be for her brain, inflammation
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  Speaker 1: in her body, and her psychology. So these are the
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  Speaker 1: things that I'd be looking at, and if we had
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  Speaker 1: more info, we could be more precise. This is pretty general,
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  Speaker 1: but hopefully this gives you and any other parent whose
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  Speaker 1: children are just driving them bonkers right now, a handful
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  Speaker 1: of things to play with. I love tricky questions, Thanks
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  Speaker 1: so much for asking. If you've got a tricky question,
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  Speaker 1: please send us an email. Podcasts at happy families dot
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: com you with a voice note, and we'll do our
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: best to answer your tricky questions. You can literally ask
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: us anything, or we would love for you to visit
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: our website. We've got this really simple to use solution online,
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: Happy families dot com dot You just scroll down to podcasts,
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  Speaker 1: click the record button and start talking. Tell us your
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  Speaker 1: big challenge. Families podcast is produced by Justin Rowland from
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  Speaker 1: Bridge Media. If you'd like more information and resources to
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: make your family happier, you'll find them at happy families
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  Speaker 1: dot com dot A you