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Veteran, Mom, Grandmother, Now Advocate.  A Story Of Hope and Healing · Voices For Suicide Prevention

• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to this episode of Voices for Suicide Prevention.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: As we like to say, our conversations are real talk, real, honest, real life.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Stephanie Booker.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm Scott Light.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_02: Our guest today is a military veteran, recovery advocate, and a mental health speaker.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_02: After overcoming childhood trauma and finding treatment for addiction, depression, and anxiety, she turned her story into one of hope and healing.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_02: We are so grateful that she is with us today to share her journey with all of you.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_02: Christina Jackson, welcome to the podcast.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Pristina, for someone who has met you or is meeting you for the first time, how do you introduce yourself today?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there was a time uh where I would have introduced myself based on what uh what happened to me.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that I have survived childhood abuse and traumas and that type of thing, but really I think that as humans we passed that.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's not about what happened to me, but what did that teach me?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm someone who's constantly learning about themselves and open to new ideas.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_02: I love that.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: I do too.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_02: Um, can we go back and because you mentioned your childhood trauma, if we walk a little chronologically here with our listeners, you speak openly about it.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_02: If you would share a little bit there.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_02: And then when did you realize those early experiences were affecting your adult life?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: So um my earliest memories are childhood trauma.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so that means that I never had a safe nervous system.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was always in survival mode, didn't understand that, didn't have the language, of course, but it was always necessary for me to figure out the environment and what was coming.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and somehow as humans, we learned that really early.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so um my entire childhood was all the traumas without triggering people.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: It was the sexual traumas, it was the physical, the uh social, emotional traumas, the spiritual traumas.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Life was just trauma.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so I didn't know I had trauma.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: That was life.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: That was how I lived.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: So um growing up, I got to the point where I became homeless and uh went to the Navy, and that's when I figured out that something was very, very wrong on the inside and it spilled out.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't control it like a waterfall.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: You were a child.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: So then your journey has taken you through some pretty remarkable chapters, um, including your service in the Navy.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for that.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: We appreciate it.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: You're welcome.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: What inspired you to join the Navy?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: My life really isn't that funny, but it's funny.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I was homeless.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I didn't have anywhere to go, and the support kind of ran out, life be life in for people.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so I I had run to a point where I didn't have anywhere to stay.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was 18, and I knew that if I went to the military, I would have a place to live.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: At what point did the the mental health challenges then come to a point where you were just not able to continue and you and you started having suicidal ideation?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: I slipped into despair.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um Luther Smith has a book called Hope is Here, and hope is an integral part of staying alive when you're suicidal.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes you need other people to hope for you.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so moments when I felt like hope was useless, like nothing was ever gonna change, those were the hardest parts not to act on the suicidal thoughts.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_02: Pristina, we're are we talking largely, was this kind of the time frame of your life right now?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_02: Was that in the 20s?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: In your 20s, would you say?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: That was in my late 20s, early 30s, up until addiction.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_02: Was there a moment or moments when you did realize uh, hey, I I cannot keep living this way?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_02: Often.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Often.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: There were intermittent moments of uh seeking help, um, being hospitalized, um, getting back on my meds.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um there's so many, it's like juggling 25 balls and you're a three-ball juggler.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: So um there were there were just like you reach out at the last possible moment.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: There were a couple times when I didn't reach out and I I attempted.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um and in those moments, even still, immediately I was thankful that I stayed.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Even if I didn't know how how I would ever be better, I just wanted to figure out how to how to deal with it.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: That this is gonna be my norm, okay.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: How do I how do I survive in this space?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: So, as you were navigating those mental health challenges, addiction also became part of your story.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Substance abuse, gambling addiction, when you look back, how is all of that connected?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: How is all of that similar for your life?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I think if you run away from yourself long enough, you run into addiction of some sort.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because addiction is just a compulsive behavior.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so addiction signs were early.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was promiscuous, um, I drank a lot, I was uh frivolous with money.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And um, getting to the point where addiction finally hung out with me.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I didn't expect it.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it just was like a friend who stayed too long.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: I can't be mad at addiction.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: It kept me alive.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_02: We saw a story on the Ohio Department of Behavioral Health website that quoted you as saying gambling began as socializing at internet cafes before becoming something that you did alone on your phone.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_02: How how did it go?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_02: Walk us through that journey of something that seemed harmless at the beginning to being really consuming.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: I like quotes.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so my quote for what you're saying is connection isn't always protection.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: We have to be uh, we have to use discernment, right?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And we have to be honest about what's good and what's not.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because I was having fun in the beginning with gambling and getting high.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: It was fun, right?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I stayed too long.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it felt it felt good to have relief, um, not understanding that I had the answers and not to leave myself.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: So um I I think that more often than not, if we look at ourselves, there's some compulsive behaviors that are problematic.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Some people just fall into addiction and others don't.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_02: I think we can even broaden that out.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, I love your quote, one of many so far, and we look forward to more.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_02: When you said connection is not protection, I think a lot of people would think that that's social media these days.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_02: There's a lot of great things on social media, no doubt about it.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_02: But it can also take people to deep, dark places.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: We think it's a relief.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it doom scrolling is really problematic.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh we become kidnapped, almost, almost, it's almost human trafficking.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it's intentional that there's no end to the pleasure.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Pleasure needs an end.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's important.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: We weren't made to have continuous pleasure.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_02: Well, and the algorithms on social media are just feed that you know, feed that pleasure, if you will.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_02: It's it is really tough to maneuver.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: It it really isn't.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's I mean, it it happens to me when I'm like, oh, wait a minute, where did that 45 minutes to an hour go?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's it it is so easy to get kind of.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then throw in neurodivergence.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I think society in general is neurodivergent because we've been thrown into constant states of survival.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: And when you leave those constant states, of course you're neurodivergent, right?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so then you lean to doom scrolling.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a loop.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: Well, every recovery journey has a turning point.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: And for that, you can probably point to one particular moment and it involved your daughter and your granddaughter.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: It did tell us about that.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: It did.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't think I would ever be a grandmother.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um and when my daughter came to me um about her pregnancy, she knew that I was in active addiction and um demanded that I needed to get into recovery if I wanted to be around my granddaughter.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: And to me, it was a no-brainer, but it wasn't as easy as I thought.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because six months in, I relapsed.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of people relapse, right?
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: But a therapist I had at the time said to me, it's not about the fall, it's about the get up.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I immediately came back into the game.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: And the next time around, I prepared.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you have to prepare for the big moments when you start at a deficit, you know.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I prepared for anniversary dates of recovery and things that would be important to me.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I thought more about recovery in those moments.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_02: How's your sobriety journey today?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: A lot easier than it could be.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it could be really hard, but I figured out that the journey is really the healing.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um I think everything else can fall in place.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: When you are able to stay with yourself in those moments, it's empowering.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so it makes all the reasons to leave unimportant.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: I like me.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: So tell us how old is your granddaughter today?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: Five.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, wait, wait, five and a half.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's a that half is very important.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: She taught me how to be brave.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know how?
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: She said, uh, Nana, when you're scared, you just have to take a deep breath and do it.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Just do it anyway.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that was like the simplest thing ever.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_02: That is a pearl of wisdom right there.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: Simplest yet so profound.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: Love that.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: So are there any practices and routines that help keep you through your recovery journey and staying emotionally and physically healthy?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Transparency.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um secrets, high pain, and um dishonesty, and those are easy shields for relapse.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Uh my brother always says, tell on it.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Tell on the addiction.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I would say trying to be as transparent as possible.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_02: Christina, what are some of the myths out there that people, that general society has about addiction and recovery?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: That there's a hierarchy to import insor.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um that there's a uh I do powder, or I don't know if I can say the words, but I do this kind of drug.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not like you because you do this kind of drug.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a status attached to different drugs.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Also, that people cannot become addicted.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: It can happen to anybody, it doesn't care who you are, how much money you have, you don't have to have trauma.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: There is a group of day drinkers out in society that is almost a cult.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: What about the people who end up addicted in that and become the old man who sit in the bar at 11 a.m.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: with a beer?
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that we have to understand that I am you and you are me.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: Today you are taking your story and you basically have taken your pain and turned it into purpose.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: Tell us about when you realized that you could be a voice for mental health and recovery.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: When I learned that the dark parts are the value, the wounds are the witness.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: When I learned that um the way that everybody talks about this immovable mountain, and Jesus says that we will move mountains, I'm the mountain.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um we run from the solution and create bigger problems.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Everything I ran from was so much easier than everything I created with addiction.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_02: You mentioned medication.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_02: Um what else helped building a community?
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_02: You mentioned your daughter, your granddaughter, or did did a therapist come along?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: What what helped?
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Being selfish, um, being honest, recognizing what I needed, going to therapy when I need it, um, going beyond talk therapy into self-reflection and asking myself the hard questions.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um getting outside, drinking water.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: People say, you know, that in a joking way, but drinking water, drinking water, recognizing that you deserve to be taken care of.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: What kind of conversations or actions do you hope by sharing your story will will be started by those people who are impacted if they've heard about you or heard from you?
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: I would like more safe spaces.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: No need for safe spaces, just spaces, right?
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: The point in time where you don't have to be afraid that someone is gonna laugh at you or judge you or put you down because you make a mistake.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: We all make mistakes.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: People can believe that we're born in sin, but not that we make mistakes.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_02: We're human.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_02: Your granddaughter, you said, did I hear you correctly?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_02: She calls you Nana.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, Nana.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_02: Uh a a grandma question.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_02: Um What has being a grandmother taught you about family and healing and second, third, and fourth chances in life?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Innocence is beautiful and it's worth cultivating.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: I never knew innocence.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Being able to see a human being without trauma, knowing that it's possible to live through trauma and trying to create families where it's okay to be transparent.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to tell the truth.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have to keep secrets.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: I used to think that pie salt and fried chicken were the best smells in the world.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_02: Explain.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Coming home from school, opening the door, and that's the smell you're greeted with.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: So when you come from trauma, you you try to find the the glimmers, right?
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: So coming home and there's fried chicken and pine salt, mom's been cleaning, mom's been cooking.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: She at least feels good enough to do that.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: So you that life is like that, right?
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: You have to take the crappy parts of life and find the glimmers.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's how you live, that's how you make it.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: If someone who's listening is struggling with trauma, addiction, or thinking about suicide.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: What's the one thing that you want to tell them?
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_01: Don't give up yet.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: Don't give up yet.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Not yet.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_02: I think that's a great way to end this episode.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_02: Christina Jackson, thank you very much for sharing your stories plural with our listeners.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for having me.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: It feels good to be seen.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: And to our listeners, we thank you as well.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: When you listen to our episodes, you are breaking stigmas, breaking barriers, and you're showing how you care about mental health and saving lives.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: This is Voices for Suicide Prevention brought to you by the Ohio Suicide Prevention Foundation.