Latest / The You Project / #1645 People-Pleasing Is F***ing Exhausting - Harps

Transcript

#1645 People-Pleasing Is F***ing Exhausting - Harps · The You Project

0:00
Speaker 1: Hello, team, I hope you're will so put up your hand.
0:06
Speaker 1: If you're a people pleaser, I can see a few hands.
0:12
Speaker 1: Put your hand back up. If that is not working
0:16
Speaker 1: for you, I see all the same hands. Put up
0:20
Speaker 1: your hand. If that's shit for you, I see all
0:22
Speaker 1: the same hands. We'll do it a bit, or we've
0:27
Speaker 1: all done it. Some of us are chronic people pleases,
0:34
Speaker 1: and there was I know, this seems hard to believe
0:38
Speaker 1: that I would ever be a people pleaser, that you
0:41
Speaker 1: would think, No, you would never have been a people
0:44
Speaker 1: pleaser because you are an outspoken, confrontational, fucking prick. I
0:49
Speaker 1: know I'm not, though, but I can understand why some
0:53
Speaker 1: people might think that. But there were definitely periods, like
0:57
Speaker 1: long periods of my life when I was young and
1:00
Speaker 1: even more insecure. Hard to believe, I know, but even
1:03
Speaker 1: more insecure, more riddled with doubt, more riddled with trap,
1:09
Speaker 1: self esteem, desperate for a version of love, connection, acceptance,
1:17
Speaker 1: be being wanted, being needed, being valued, being respected, belonging
1:23
Speaker 1: to a group, a social grouper, a work group, any
1:27
Speaker 1: fucking group. The fat only child from Latro Valley. Of course,
1:33
Speaker 1: of course I was a people pleaser. Of course I
1:37
Speaker 1: was a people pleaser. I wanted to keep my dad happy.
1:39
Speaker 1: You know what's funny too, is when I want to
1:41
Speaker 1: keep my mum happy, but you it's easier to keep
1:43
Speaker 1: happy my dad. Fucking he fuck batman, trying to get
1:47
Speaker 1: that bloke's approval, love him, still love him, but still
1:51
Speaker 1: to this day, thank god, thank god I got over that.
1:54
Speaker 1: Otherwise I'd still be on the old seeking bloody validation
1:58
Speaker 1: and approval from Rondo. And that's an exhausting one, the
2:01
Speaker 1: people pleasing train that goes nowhere, that just goes around
2:05
Speaker 1: in circles and uphills and downhills, and it's just fucking
2:09
Speaker 1: full of pain. But anyway, so I did that for
2:12
Speaker 1: a very long time, and I looked for approval and
2:16
Speaker 1: validation through trying to keep everyone in my world a
2:24
Speaker 1: little bit in love with me or liking me, or
2:28
Speaker 1: And when I say in love, I don't mean in love.
2:30
Speaker 1: I just meant loving me, like liking me, wanting me
2:33
Speaker 1: to be around. And that insecurity of mind, that disease,
2:39
Speaker 1: I think people pleasing is a disease. It's a disease
2:44
Speaker 1: of the mind and of the emotions. It's a disease
2:47
Speaker 1: of low self esteem and of insecurity and of self doubt,
2:54
Speaker 1: and of perceived in adequacy and perceived unworthiness, not good enough, itis,
3:04
Speaker 1: all fear based stuff. And I had all of that,
3:08
Speaker 1: and so I was always I was always trying to
3:13
Speaker 1: keep everyone happy. I was trying to keep my clients happy.
3:15
Speaker 1: I was trying to keep my family and friends happy.
3:19
Speaker 1: I was the kind of for a very long time,
3:25
Speaker 1: I was captain compliance whatever, whatever people would need or want,
3:32
Speaker 1: I'd be that guy that would accommodate. I remember when
3:37
Speaker 1: I first started, So remember I'm sixty. So when I
3:39
Speaker 1: first started personal training and I started training clients, I
3:46
Speaker 1: set up my first center at twenty six, started working
3:49
Speaker 1: in gyms at eighteen as an instructor, and all that
3:51
Speaker 1: stuff which you know. But I actually started one on
3:54
Speaker 1: one coaching or training personal training in nineteen eighty six,
4:00
Speaker 1: the ripe old age of twenty three, and so I
4:02
Speaker 1: was still a baby. I was a big fucking baby,
4:05
Speaker 1: as in I was physically quite large. But while I
4:10
Speaker 1: was quite developed physically, I was not really super developed
4:15
Speaker 1: emotionally and sociologically and psychologically. Perhaps I was insecure. I
4:24
Speaker 1: never wanted to piss anyone off. I never wanted to
4:26
Speaker 1: rub anyone up the wrong way. I never wanted to
4:29
Speaker 1: be rejected. I never wanted someone to not like me,
4:34
Speaker 1: you know, And even until I would say, this is
4:40
Speaker 1: a really interesting well I think it's interesting. You might not,
4:43
Speaker 1: but this is a really interesting fact or occurrence, regular occurrence,
4:51
Speaker 1: and see if this resonates with you. So me as
4:54
Speaker 1: a speaker, me as an author, as a kind of
4:57
Speaker 1: a mildly public per you know, I'm always getting feedback.
5:02
Speaker 1: And if I put up a post and I say something,
5:06
Speaker 1: you know, on whatever platform, and twenty five people go yeah,
5:10
Speaker 1: and then one person goes, you're a fucking idiot. Which
5:13
Speaker 1: out of those twenty six responses, the twenty five positive
5:17
Speaker 1: and the one negative, what do you think has more
5:20
Speaker 1: impact on me and my emotional system the one or
5:23
Speaker 1: the twenty five. Of course it's the fucking one. Because
5:28
Speaker 1: I want to keep that dude that doesn't know me,
5:30
Speaker 1: that doesn't care about me, that doesn't like me. I
5:34
Speaker 1: want him to approve. Not so much these days, but
5:38
Speaker 1: for a long time in my life. And if I'm
5:40
Speaker 1: being completely transparent and honest here, does it still bother me?
5:46
Speaker 1: It doesn't bothers me a little. But it's a one
5:49
Speaker 1: or two on the one to ten bothering scale that
5:53
Speaker 1: I just invented ten being all the bother I can't sleep,
5:56
Speaker 1: I'm anxious. What the fuck? How can I fix this
6:00
Speaker 1: to ten? On the ones ten by the scale? My
6:03
Speaker 1: current level of bothering or bother with those things tends
6:07
Speaker 1: to be very low, and I understand it. I've come
6:10
Speaker 1: to accept it, of course, because you have to, because
6:13
Speaker 1: it's an ever present reality. It doesn't matter how hard
6:16
Speaker 1: you try with people, there will always be people that
6:22
Speaker 1: won't like you, won't align with you, will be critical
6:25
Speaker 1: of you, and so on and so on. By the way,
6:30
Speaker 1: they're not always wrong. I know that's shocking to think,
6:35
Speaker 1: but some of the people over the years that have
6:38
Speaker 1: been critical of me or highlighted flaws or faults or mistakes,
6:44
Speaker 1: some of them were right right of course, of course.
6:48
Speaker 1: So we need to be we need to be open
6:51
Speaker 1: minded in that way to realize that we're not flawless,
6:54
Speaker 1: we're not perfect, we're not always right, of course. But
6:56
Speaker 1: now let's go back to this incessant desire that many
7:00
Speaker 1: of us have. What is that about? What is that about?
7:04
Speaker 1: Where does that come from? That? So let's see what.
7:07
Speaker 1: Let me put on my specs, so I love doing
7:09
Speaker 1: a little bit of So everything I'm sharing with you
7:11
Speaker 1: is not from the internet. It's not from chat GPT.
7:14
Speaker 1: It's all my experience and my thoughts and insights. But
7:18
Speaker 1: what I'm about to read from you is from chat GPT.
7:23
Speaker 1: I wanted to see just what they said, so I
7:26
Speaker 1: typed in what's people pleasing? And it said, and this
7:30
Speaker 1: is kind of obvious. People pleasing as a behavior pattern.
7:34
Speaker 2: I would have said behavioral, but they say behavior behavior
7:37
Speaker 2: anyway a behavior pattern where an individual goes to great
7:40
Speaker 2: lengths to satisfy others, often at the expense of their
7:44
Speaker 2: own needs, desires, or well be I would have said
7:48
Speaker 2: and or well beg but anyway or well being.
7:50
Speaker 1: I agree with that people pleasers tend to seek validation, approval,
7:54
Speaker 1: and acceptance from others. That was me, that's been made
7:57
Speaker 1: for a long time. I consistently accommodating others expectations to
8:05
Speaker 1: avoid conflict. This behavior can stem from a fear of rejection,
8:09
Speaker 1: from low self esteem, or a desire to be liked,
8:12
Speaker 1: but over time it can also lead to feelings of resentment, stress,
8:16
Speaker 1: and burn out due to the constant suppression of personal
8:19
Speaker 1: boundaries and needs. Now I'm going to say I'm not
8:23
Speaker 1: mad at that. I think that's like quite comprehensive and
8:27
Speaker 1: quite accurate. It's a challenge. It's a challenge for us
8:33
Speaker 1: to because we all want to be liked, right, none
8:36
Speaker 1: of us don't want to be liked. But I think
8:39
Speaker 1: we think that the more accommodating we are, the more
8:46
Speaker 1: compliant we are, the more we're saying yep, sure, okay, fine,
8:50
Speaker 1: no worries, all right, no problem. Yes, the more we're
8:53
Speaker 1: doing that, the more people are going to love us
8:56
Speaker 1: and like us. I don't believe that's true, by the way.
9:00
Speaker 1: I believe that the more hyper compliant and hyper accommodating
9:07
Speaker 1: you are, the less people will respect you, and the
9:12
Speaker 1: more people will exploit you. Not all people, but some people.
9:17
Speaker 1: You know, and I know that there are people that
9:20
Speaker 1: you and I only hear from finish that sentence correct
9:26
Speaker 1: when they want something. You know that. I know that
9:31
Speaker 1: there are people that when I see their number, well,
9:34
Speaker 1: let's be honest, I've taken a lot of them out,
9:37
Speaker 1: so the number is not in and they've gotten the
9:39
Speaker 1: old blocker rooney, but fuck it. But there are still
9:43
Speaker 1: people that and I don't these are not obviously, there's
9:46
Speaker 1: no one that I hate in my By the way,
9:47
Speaker 1: I don't hate anyone. I just won't let myself be exploited.
9:52
Speaker 1: I'm happy to help people, and I consciously choose to
9:56
Speaker 1: help a whole bunch of people because I believe that
10:00
Speaker 1: I need to have a purpose and a focus bigger
10:02
Speaker 1: than me. And that's cool. But that's not the same
10:06
Speaker 1: as somebody taking the pierce and somebody psychologically and emotionally
10:12
Speaker 1: exploiting you or me on a constant, consistent, or reoccurring basis.
10:20
Speaker 1: You can be kind. You can be kind, you can
10:23
Speaker 1: be generous, and you can also say, either literally or metaphorically,
10:27
Speaker 1: fuck off. It doesn't need to be one or the other.
10:33
Speaker 1: You can be kind, generous, loving, compassionate, have an awareness
10:37
Speaker 1: bigger than you without being a people pleaser. We say
10:42
Speaker 1: yes quite often out of fear. If I say no,
10:48
Speaker 1: what will happen? Well, generally fuck all. It depends, of course,
10:54
Speaker 1: lots of variables around that. But we say yes out
10:56
Speaker 1: of fear, out of guilts, out of disc unfit like
11:00
Speaker 1: we we oh, fuck, I want to be comfortable and
11:03
Speaker 1: if I say no, it's going to make it awkward.
11:05
Speaker 1: It's gonna be oh, it's going to be uncomfortable and yeah,
11:08
Speaker 1: but when you say yes and you don't want to
11:10
Speaker 1: say yes. Now, I'm not talking about being selfish here,
11:13
Speaker 1: I'm talking about being smart socially wise. I'm talking about
11:16
Speaker 1: looking after you. When you say yes to something that
11:19
Speaker 1: you actually want to say no to. What you're doing
11:23
Speaker 1: is you're telling people, in no uncertain terms, hey, you
11:28
Speaker 1: can manipulate me. Hey, you can guilt me into pretty
11:33
Speaker 1: much fucking anything. And when we say yes because we
11:37
Speaker 1: feel guilty, or we feel uncomfortable to say no, or
11:40
Speaker 1: because we know that they expect a yes, or because
11:44
Speaker 1: we're doing it because we need to belong or we
11:47
Speaker 1: want to belong, we want to fit in, we want
11:49
Speaker 1: to be okay. So that's coming that's coming from a
11:53
Speaker 1: place of weakness, not kindness. Let me say that in
11:58
Speaker 1: no uncertain terms, people pleasing is weakness, not kindness. Like
12:06
Speaker 1: I said, you can be a compassionate, kind, aware, evolved,
12:11
Speaker 1: empathetic human who loves and serves people without being a
12:17
Speaker 1: people pleaser, also with a capacity to say no. And
12:23
Speaker 1: not only that, not only can you say no when
12:27
Speaker 1: they go, oh, how come, you can say because I
12:30
Speaker 1: don't want to so when. And I've told this story
12:34
Speaker 1: a few times, but years ago I had this this
12:39
Speaker 1: friend of mine. We don't see much much of each
12:42
Speaker 1: other anymore, not not for any terrible reason, but literally,
12:47
Speaker 1: this dude asked me to go.
12:48
Speaker 3: Bowling with where Oh funny bowling? Anyway, he asked me
12:54
Speaker 3: to go bowling. I'm like, nah, like, we're going bowling,
12:59
Speaker 3: a bunch of us going Friday this night. Do you
13:01
Speaker 3: want to come? I go no, nah, thanks. He's like,
13:05
Speaker 3: what do you got on? And I go nothing. He goes, oh, well,
13:10
Speaker 3: that's hurtful, that's offensive, and I go, no, it's not.
13:14
Speaker 3: And I said, I said eventually, after a bunch of
13:19
Speaker 3: you know, kind of like him not getting the hint,
13:22
Speaker 3: which is cool, I said, look, here's the drill. Your
13:25
Speaker 3: question is do I want to go bowling? My honest
13:28
Speaker 3: answer is I do not. Nothing about me wants to
13:33
Speaker 3: go bowling. I give you another twenty reasons why, but
13:40
Speaker 3: I don't want to go bowling. And I don't want
13:42
Speaker 3: to say yes to you just to tell you what
13:46
Speaker 3: you want to hear. And I fuck up my Friday
13:48
Speaker 3: nights and I go somewhere and do a thing that
13:52
Speaker 3: I don't have much free time, and Friday night is
13:55
Speaker 3: my free time.
13:57
Speaker 1: So no, do I like you? Yes? Would I go
14:00
Speaker 1: have a coffee with you or a lunch with you
14:02
Speaker 1: or something? If I ate lunch, I would? But do
14:04
Speaker 1: you want to want to go bowling? Though? And he's like, okay, cool. Now.
14:09
Speaker 1: My intention in that story or in that moment was
14:12
Speaker 1: not to hurt his feelings, was not to be unsocial,
14:15
Speaker 1: anti social, It was not to reject him. It's just like,
14:19
Speaker 1: here's the thing if at some stage we don't say
14:22
Speaker 1: to people, no, well, how come well, because I'm fucking
14:28
Speaker 1: forty five years old and I don't want to go,
14:31
Speaker 1: So that's okay. And by the way, I don't need
14:34
Speaker 1: your permission. I don't need to explain. I don't need
14:37
Speaker 1: to get uncomfortable, and you don't need to get offended.
14:42
Speaker 1: Now you might say, but Craig, I'm part of a couple,
14:48
Speaker 1: I have a partner, and there are times I'm saying yes,
14:52
Speaker 1: of course, then you need to make a judgment call
14:55
Speaker 1: I don't have a partner, and so this is a
14:57
Speaker 1: different thing. So for me in that situation, my intention
15:03
Speaker 1: is not to hurt anyone's feelings. My intention is not
15:06
Speaker 1: to reject mister bowling. It's not that, it's just that
15:10
Speaker 1: I don't want to go, So I'm not going to
15:12
Speaker 1: be the people pleaser that tells him, sure, i'll see
15:16
Speaker 1: you at seven, just because I'm not courageous enough or
15:20
Speaker 1: confident enough or sure of myself enough to say no,
15:24
Speaker 1: thank you. Anyway, I appreciate the offer. I hope you
15:28
Speaker 1: guys have a great time, but I'm not going fucking bowling.
15:32
Speaker 1: And it's okay. This propensity that we have to do
15:37
Speaker 1: things that we actually don't want to do. Now, I'm
15:40
Speaker 1: not talking about being selfish here. I'm talking about with
15:42
Speaker 1: examples like that. Also, when you know, like I don't
15:48
Speaker 1: know how many times I was going to say a thousand,
15:50
Speaker 1: it might not be a thousand, but it might be.
15:53
Speaker 1: But literally hundreds of times in my life I have
15:58
Speaker 1: had a version of the same commentation with people, and
16:01
Speaker 1: that is booze have a beer, No, thank you, They
16:07
Speaker 1: just have a sip. No, I'm good, thank you. Really,
16:11
Speaker 1: this is what happens. Well, how would you even know
16:16
Speaker 1: if you like it? If you won't have a sip? Well,
16:21
Speaker 1: I don't care if I like it or not. I
16:24
Speaker 1: don't want to drink alcohol, but thank you, and it escalates,
16:28
Speaker 1: and it can for some people, I'm sure, get more
16:33
Speaker 1: and more uncomfortable. And I've had confrontations with people where
16:41
Speaker 1: they will not fucking stop and I go, okay, listen up, Champ.
16:46
Speaker 1: You're not listening. You asked me four times. I said
16:48
Speaker 1: no four times. Let me be fucking clear. You can
16:52
Speaker 1: drink all the booze and I don't care what you drink.
16:55
Speaker 1: You can eat all the joke, you can do whatever
16:57
Speaker 1: you want, but I'm not drinking alcohol. Well, please be
17:01
Speaker 1: respectful because you are making this a problem now, not me.
17:08
Speaker 1: If you had have said, hey, mate, do you want
17:09
Speaker 1: to beer? And I go, no, I don't want to beer.
17:11
Speaker 1: I don't drink, but thank you, and you went cool,
17:13
Speaker 1: no problems, We're good. But you didn't do that. You
17:17
Speaker 1: went just have one, and I went the second time, no,
17:21
Speaker 1: don't want one, thank you, and you go, mate, just
17:24
Speaker 1: try it. You don't know. Third time no, and then
17:27
Speaker 1: fourth time. Now you're starting to fuck me off, and
17:32
Speaker 1: you created this problem. I'm not going to do something
17:36
Speaker 1: that I don't want to do to make you feel
17:39
Speaker 1: okay about what you're doing to your body. People pleasing,
17:45
Speaker 1: I'm going to say it again, is weakness not kindness.
17:49
Speaker 1: There are times when you really need to stand up
17:53
Speaker 1: for you and be okay with it. You can say no.
18:00
Speaker 1: And if you feel uncomfortable saying no, I'm not talking about,
18:04
Speaker 1: you know, something where you're refusing to help somebody who
18:09
Speaker 1: needs We're not talking about that. We're talking about people
18:11
Speaker 1: trying to manipulate or coerce or take advantage of you
18:15
Speaker 1: in a way that doesn't sit with your values or
18:18
Speaker 1: your best interest. You know. The thing too, is think
18:22
Speaker 1: about this. It's actually in some people's interest and you,
18:28
Speaker 1: a person might come to mind, it's in some people's
18:32
Speaker 1: interest for you to be a people pleaser because you
18:37
Speaker 1: being a people pleaser, especially if they're in your orbit,
18:42
Speaker 1: and especially if they have some control, some influence, and
18:47
Speaker 1: they have an ability to exploit your ah vulnerability or
18:55
Speaker 1: your need to please, then they're going to take advantage
18:59
Speaker 1: of That's a fucking great You become a valuable resource
19:02
Speaker 1: for them because they can get you to do shit
19:04
Speaker 1: that they don't want to do, and they can get
19:07
Speaker 1: you to do shit that suits them that also you
19:10
Speaker 1: don't want to do, but you're too scared to say no.
19:13
Speaker 1: Here's the thing. If people are being self interested and selfish,
19:17
Speaker 1: and they're coercing and manipulating you, and you say no,
19:22
Speaker 1: you can't use or manipulate or exploit me, and they
19:26
Speaker 1: get fucked off because of that. Guess what they are
19:29
Speaker 1: not a friend. That's not a friend. That's not love,
19:32
Speaker 1: that's not kindness, that's not friendship. That's coercion, that's manipulation,
19:37
Speaker 1: that's a self interested fuck That's right. I said it
19:41
Speaker 1: taking advantage of you. You do not need these people
19:44
Speaker 1: in your life that are going to use and abuse
19:47
Speaker 1: and manipulate you. Will it be hard. I'm not saying
19:50
Speaker 1: fucking do a social clean out tomorrow. I'm not saying
19:55
Speaker 1: create chaos in the next day or two. I'm saying
20:00
Speaker 1: about what I am saying, And if it doesn't make
20:03
Speaker 1: sense to you or it seems wrong, ignore me, ignore me.
20:08
Speaker 1: But if what I'm saying makes sense and it rings
20:11
Speaker 1: true and it resonates, maybe maybe it's time for you
20:18
Speaker 1: to step up a little bit. People that use and
20:23
Speaker 1: abuse you they are they are ungrateful. They have an
20:28
Speaker 1: ungrateful and insatiable appetite for your compliance. And if you
20:37
Speaker 1: let them, they will make you a character in their story.
20:45
Speaker 1: They will make you a character in their story. You
20:48
Speaker 1: won't be writing your own story, in living out your
20:50
Speaker 1: own dreams and goals and aspirations, because you're going to
20:53
Speaker 1: be too fucking busy trying to fit in with them
20:56
Speaker 1: to you know, help perpetuate what they want, what they need.
21:02
Speaker 1: And you know what, doesn't matter how hard you work
21:04
Speaker 1: at trying to be the people pleaser, they won't appreciate you.
21:10
Speaker 1: They won't be grateful for you. And the moment that
21:14
Speaker 1: you are not this pawn in their game, this character
21:17
Speaker 1: in the story, the moment that you say no. Not
21:20
Speaker 1: for everyone. Some people might have a bit of a
21:22
Speaker 1: fucking epiphany or a light bulb moment and go, shit,
21:26
Speaker 1: maybe I have been using you and maybe, hopefully, hopefully
21:30
Speaker 1: they're better than that, and you can go, hey, here's
21:32
Speaker 1: the deal, I feel like this, and they might have
21:35
Speaker 1: an epiphany and they might say sorry. But there's also
21:39
Speaker 1: a big chance that they'll get fucked off at you
21:41
Speaker 1: because you're not doing what they want now. And when
21:44
Speaker 1: you're doing what they want, when you're trying to keep
21:46
Speaker 1: them happy, meet their needs and play a role in
21:51
Speaker 1: their bloody story, then you're super valuable and you're worth
21:56
Speaker 1: keeping around. But If you're not any value anymore, if
21:59
Speaker 1: you're not any service anymore, then why the fuck would
22:03
Speaker 1: I keep you around. It's not about being selfish. In fact,
22:08
Speaker 1: it's about being kind to your capitalists self, the self
22:13
Speaker 1: that is you. It's about you loving you. And what
22:17
Speaker 1: will happen is if you are perpetually the people pleaser,
22:24
Speaker 1: a couple of things will happen. They will people will
22:29
Speaker 1: some people will exploit you, use abuse, manipulate, coerce, and
22:32
Speaker 1: control you for as long as possible until you know
22:37
Speaker 1: use or value anymore. That's gonna happen. If you allow
22:41
Speaker 1: that and to you'll be fucking exhausted. You'll be frustrated,
22:46
Speaker 1: you'll be resentful because you might spend years trying to
22:52
Speaker 1: make this person happy that's never truly happy, because if
22:57
Speaker 1: they're happy and satisfied, then they lose the grip on you.
23:02
Speaker 1: And if you feel truly valued in all of that,
23:04
Speaker 1: then then they're losing. There's been there's been many people
23:12
Speaker 1: in my life, and this is there's no sow of
23:15
Speaker 1: grapes here. I don't feel sorry for me because also,
23:19
Speaker 1: by the way, there's been beautiful, amazing, generous, gorgeous people
23:22
Speaker 1: in my life. And there still are, right, but they've
23:26
Speaker 1: been There've been people over the years that I only
23:28
Speaker 1: hear from them when they want something. And I spoke
23:31
Speaker 1: about that before and you've experienced that too, And it's okay.
23:36
Speaker 1: I still help people, and even people that I only
23:39
Speaker 1: hear from them when they need something, I still help
23:41
Speaker 1: some of them and I do what I can, but
23:45
Speaker 1: it's not It's not my job to keep everyone in
23:49
Speaker 1: the world happy. You know, I've said this before, but
23:53
Speaker 1: one of my lectures at UNI said doctor Paul Calleri
23:57
Speaker 1: said to me, if you don't want to offend anyone
24:00
Speaker 1: or bother anyone, then say nothing, do nothing, be nothing,
24:04
Speaker 1: and stand for nothing, you know. And the truth is
24:06
Speaker 1: that when you stand for something, when you stand for yourself,
24:09
Speaker 1: when you say something, when you go nah, or how
24:15
Speaker 1: I don't want to. Yeah, here's the other thing. You're
24:18
Speaker 1: not fucking ten years old. You don't need to explain
24:22
Speaker 1: to people why you don't want to do something. In
24:28
Speaker 1: most situations. If we're talking about a work thing or something,
24:31
Speaker 1: that's different. But in terms of your personal sovereignty, you
24:36
Speaker 1: your energy, your body, your time, your life, you don't
24:41
Speaker 1: need acceptance and approval and validation because you're not ten
24:45
Speaker 1: years old. You're not holding up a painting that you
24:48
Speaker 1: just did and trying to get approval from people you
24:51
Speaker 1: don't need it. I remember when incoming story, incoming story,
24:59
Speaker 1: I remember when I I was the young personal trainer
25:02
Speaker 1: that I spoke about, and I just started my PT business.
25:05
Speaker 1: I was working in. I was working in a commercial gym,
25:09
Speaker 1: and then a year or two later, I started my
25:11
Speaker 1: own center and I had this brand new what was
25:19
Speaker 1: it about, two or three thousand square foot little studio
25:23
Speaker 1: which was you know, smallish but big enough for me.
25:27
Speaker 1: That was my first one, and I'd spend all the
25:30
Speaker 1: money in the world I had on gym equipment, and
25:33
Speaker 1: you know, I was in there and it was you know, well,
25:35
Speaker 1: it wasn't just me initially, it was me and a
25:37
Speaker 1: couple of trainers. There was at this stage, there was
25:40
Speaker 1: not even an accreditation or a course that you could
25:42
Speaker 1: do to become a qualified, registered, insured personal trainer. This
25:46
Speaker 1: is how long ago it was. Anyway, So I had
25:50
Speaker 1: this new business, I had rent to pay out landlord
25:52
Speaker 1: to keep happy. I had staff that I didn't fucking
25:54
Speaker 1: know how to run because I didn't really I wasn't,
25:58
Speaker 1: you know, I wasn't an amazing leader. I wasn't an
26:00
Speaker 1: amazing business person. I wasn't really amazing at anything. But
26:04
Speaker 1: I was pretty good at keeping my clients happy, right,
26:10
Speaker 1: And I was desperate to keep my clients happy. And
26:14
Speaker 1: that desperation to keep them happy. I think it's good
26:17
Speaker 1: to want to keep clients happy, but that can spill
26:21
Speaker 1: over from being a healthy pursuit to an unhealthy pursuit
26:25
Speaker 1: when I am turning myself inside out, upside down to
26:32
Speaker 1: try to keep everyone happy. And now I'm working a
26:35
Speaker 1: million hours a week. I'm exhausted, I'm not eating properly,
26:38
Speaker 1: I'm not recovering properly, I'm anxious, I'm overthinking, blah blah
26:41
Speaker 1: blah blah, and so on and so I remember, so
26:46
Speaker 1: I used to start working about five o'clock. Every day.
26:50
Speaker 1: I'd be at the gym at five, and if I
26:52
Speaker 1: wasn't training someone, at five, I'd be cleaning the gym,
26:55
Speaker 1: changing the bog rolls, you know, wiping down the equipment,
26:58
Speaker 1: cleaning the mirrors, doing a bit of admin or something.
27:01
Speaker 1: But every day, especially in the early years, I was
27:04
Speaker 1: there at five am. I was up at four or
27:05
Speaker 1: four point thirty, and every night or Nelly. Every night.
27:10
Speaker 1: I was there till nine o'clock at night. So these
27:12
Speaker 1: were stupidly long days, and so I would be busy.
27:15
Speaker 1: I would be training people until about twelve or one,
27:18
Speaker 1: pretty much back to back, and then i'd have a
27:20
Speaker 1: few hours which were not so chaotic, where I'd do
27:23
Speaker 1: other work, or try and get in a workout of
27:27
Speaker 1: my own, or try and fucking sleep for seven minutes,
27:29
Speaker 1: or eat some food or something. And on a regular basis, somebody. Now,
27:35
Speaker 1: let's say I had twelve to four with no PTE appointments,
27:40
Speaker 1: right or twelve to three, and one of my clients
27:43
Speaker 1: would want to train, it say one right in the middle.
27:46
Speaker 1: So that meant I couldn't really even leave the gym.
27:48
Speaker 1: I couldn't go home and chill out for you know.
27:51
Speaker 1: And whenever anyone wanted to train, I would just say yes.
27:55
Speaker 1: And I remember being so exhausted. So this one day,
28:00
Speaker 1: I won't say his full name, but I had a client.
28:02
Speaker 1: His name's David, and David I was very accommodating. He's
28:06
Speaker 1: a good client, good guy. But I had I'd been working.
28:10
Speaker 1: I think I'd been working from about five to about
28:12
Speaker 1: midday with no stops, so seven hours, and then I
28:15
Speaker 1: was going to work from four till I think nine
28:19
Speaker 1: or ten, so let's say another six hours, so thirteen
28:22
Speaker 1: hours for the day. And I had this four hour
28:24
Speaker 1: window where I could kind of whatever, catch up, eat,
28:31
Speaker 1: maybe try and have a sleep for an hour, chill
28:33
Speaker 1: out and anyway. So I had this four hour window.
28:37
Speaker 1: And the day before I trained him and he said,
28:42
Speaker 1: what have you got tomorrow? And I looked at he
28:45
Speaker 1: looked at my diary as well, and I was free
28:47
Speaker 1: between twelve and four, so he wanted to train at
28:52
Speaker 1: I think it was two o'clock or maybe one thirty,
28:56
Speaker 1: which was pretty much bang in the middle of my
28:58
Speaker 1: free time. And he goes he looks, He goes, I'll
29:01
Speaker 1: do one thirty, and I go, I can't. He's like,
29:04
Speaker 1: what do you mean. I go, I can't, and he's
29:07
Speaker 1: like oh, And I said to him and I always
29:10
Speaker 1: said yes. He goes, oh, I said, I've got other
29:13
Speaker 1: stuff to do. It's not in here, but I've got
29:15
Speaker 1: stuff to do. It's like, oh, what can you do?
29:17
Speaker 1: And I said, well, I could do twelve or I
29:20
Speaker 1: could do three, so that would tack on the end
29:23
Speaker 1: of my morning or start my afternoon. A bit earlier,
29:25
Speaker 1: but it would still give me a three hour break.
29:28
Speaker 1: And he went to my fucking amazement, cool, I'll do twelve.
29:32
Speaker 1: I went, Okay, see you at twelve. Now I had spent.
29:36
Speaker 1: And what was interesting was moving forward, I would still
29:39
Speaker 1: be accommodating to people, but if I would, if I
29:43
Speaker 1: would put some time aside, or I would make an
29:47
Speaker 1: arrangement that worked for me in terms of me maintaining
29:50
Speaker 1: my physical, mental, and emotional health, I would not compromise
29:53
Speaker 1: on that. And I would even even if if I had,
29:56
Speaker 1: say a two hour break in the day and it
29:58
Speaker 1: was only two hours and somebody was willing to buy
30:02
Speaker 1: one of those hours pay for that. Eventually I got
30:07
Speaker 1: to the point where I would say no, because that
30:11
Speaker 1: would almost mean out of a sixteen hour day, I
30:13
Speaker 1: was working fifteen of the six, which is not tenable,
30:17
Speaker 1: not doable. And what was interesting was the moment that
30:19
Speaker 1: I started to say no to clients in terms of
30:22
Speaker 1: not being the over the top, desperate, insecure please don't
30:27
Speaker 1: leave me people pleasing trainer, I just went nah. I
30:31
Speaker 1: was still nice, I still pilat, I still provide a
30:34
Speaker 1: great service, but I wasn't over the top accommodating, nobody
30:39
Speaker 1: complained at all. Nobody, And when I just went if
30:44
Speaker 1: i'd say oh, you can't, I go no. Nobody went,
30:48
Speaker 1: oh why can't you? And if they did, I'd go yeah,
30:52
Speaker 1: because I'm busy, and they'd go, all right, what can
30:55
Speaker 1: you do? I'd say I can do that, and nearly
30:57
Speaker 1: every time, if they could make it work, they'd go, sure,
31:00
Speaker 1: let's do that. So, even in the context of my
31:03
Speaker 1: own business, keeping people happy, building my brand, building my business,
31:08
Speaker 1: I learned early that being a an over the top
31:13
Speaker 1: people pleaser, not only is it not good for you
31:16
Speaker 1: for for all the reasons I've spoken about, but I
31:18
Speaker 1: also think being a people pleaser reeks of desperation, and
31:23
Speaker 1: I actually think it's bad for all the things upset already,
31:26
Speaker 1: but I actually think it's bad for business. Yes, you
31:29
Speaker 1: want to kind of underpromise and over deliver to a point,
31:33
Speaker 1: but you don't want to be that person who seems
31:35
Speaker 1: to be desperate for business. All right, So if you're
31:40
Speaker 1: a people pleaser, um, you've got something to think about
31:45
Speaker 1: and maybe something to do. Love your guts, but not
31:50
Speaker 1: in a people please every kind of way. Hah See
31:54
Speaker 1: tomorrow