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Bonus IMPROV - I Went to the Loosest Security Hospital · Very Fine Friends

• 0:00
  Well, well, welcome.
• 0:16
  Very fun friends.
• 0:21
  At first I thought you were doing spaghetti western noises.
• 0:24
  The woo-woo.
• 0:28
  Yeah, no?
• 0:29
  No, I wasn't.
• 0:29
  No, you're just going, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well,
• 0:33
  welcome to very fine friends.
• 0:36
  Let's, uh, what do you say?
• 0:38
  We load our shotguns with some bonus improv and shoot our listeners in the face with it.
• 0:45
  I say this improv has been premeditated.
• 0:49
  Not really, but you know what I mean?
• 0:55
  No, we don't think of our improv in advance listeners.
• 0:58
  just the shooting you in the face with improv premeditated.
• 1:02
  You get it.
• 1:02
  We don't know what's going to come out of that gun.
• 1:05
  Yeah.
• 1:05
  Those barrels are,
• 1:06
  it's going to be a surprise to us too.
• 1:08
  Yeah.
• 1:09
  The way improv works.
• 1:10
  Yeah.
• 1:11
  We probably tell we haven't thought about these things in advance too.
• 1:15
  Yeah.
• 1:15
  They trust.
• 1:17
  Well,
• 1:18
  Joe,
• 1:18
  we're going to need a suggestion to make that happen.
• 1:21
  Wait,
• 1:22
  we're not doing the suggestion that we discussed before we started.
• 1:26
  Joe,
• 1:26
  Don't pretend like you're giving us a suggestion we've never heard of.
• 1:31
  Let me just come up with a word.
• 1:33
  Your suggestion is newborn.
• 1:38
  Newborn.
• 1:40
  Ugh.
• 1:42
  Ugh.
• 1:43
  I mean.
• 1:44
  Nice.
• 1:46
  Oh.
• 1:46
  Oh.
• 1:47
  how many cases do you think there are every year where someone takes the wrong kid home from the
• 1:57
  hospital i think it doesn't happen that much anymore because they're very strict about
• 2:01
  how they like tag them bag them and tag them yeah and like how like you can't like from what i heard
• 2:08
  everything has to be like like they don't just take your baby away anymore like the baby stays
• 2:14
  unless there's like an emergency
• 2:16
  with the baby.
• 2:18
  So they don't have those
• 2:19
  rooms or whatever
• 2:21
  where all the babies
• 2:21
  are just hanging out.
• 2:23
  I don't know if they have
• 2:23
  a nursery cell.
• 2:24
  And the floor is a giant
• 2:25
  lazy Susan.
• 2:28
  I hate that laugh I just did.
• 2:31
  I just feel like
• 2:32
  if there is a nursery,
• 2:35
  it's just more tightly controlled
• 2:37
  than it used to be.
• 2:38
  And like the baby
• 2:40
  doesn't leave mom
• 2:41
  until like everything's
• 2:43
  and appropriately tagged.
• 2:45
  Also, in those rooms with all the bassinets,
• 2:47
  they have the chart on the bassinet.
• 2:51
  Yeah, but the baby has a tag on the baby
• 2:55
  that matches mom's tag.
• 2:56
  I bet you if you had a malicious nurse,
• 2:59
  you could do something.
• 3:03
  Maybe.
• 3:04
  You can do anything with a malicious nurse.
• 3:06
  Malicious nurses, if you're out there, let us know.
• 3:10
  How would you switch a baby Yeah How you get around modern protocol Yeah But back in the day how much do you think it happened A lot Even just by accident Like people are stupid
• 3:21
  Yeah, that's what I mean.
• 3:22
  Like, we're genuinely, they didn't know.
• 3:24
  I think I was.
• 3:24
  I think I'm, I was switched.
• 3:27
  Yeah?
• 3:27
  Yeah.
• 3:28
  I have to, it has to be.
• 3:29
  It's the only explanation?
• 3:31
  Yeah.
• 3:32
  Yeah.
• 3:32
  A hundred percent.
• 3:34
  Somewhere out there, some moron is living my life.
• 3:38
  And not doing it.
• 3:39
  I would have been happy with this one.
• 3:40
  Yeah.
• 3:41
  But not me.
• 3:42
  You know how like a square is always a rectangle?
• 3:44
  Yeah.
• 3:45
  Yeah.
• 3:46
  Yeah.
• 3:47
  Someone's leaving my rectangle.
• 3:48
  Yeah.
• 3:50
  Because you ain't no square.
• 3:51
  That's for sure.
• 3:52
  Oh.
• 3:54
  And now, improv.
• 4:04
  Honey, honey, can you come here?
• 4:06
  Mom's got some bad news for you.
• 4:08
  I'll be right there, mom.
• 4:10
  I'm here now.
• 4:13
  Thank you.
• 4:14
  Thank you for always announcing your journey as you're taking it.
• 4:17
  What's going on, Mom?
• 4:17
  Bad news?
• 4:18
  Bad news.
• 4:19
  No.
• 4:20
  Should I sit down?
• 4:22
  Sure.
• 4:22
  Okay.
• 4:23
  I'm going to sit.
• 4:25
  I'm sitting.
• 4:26
  Thank you.
• 4:27
  Thank you for letting me know the stages of your sitting.
• 4:31
  I don't know how to say this.
• 4:33
  There's only one way to say it.
• 4:35
  Okay.
• 4:35
  you are my actual biological child i thought that i had gotten a fun switch up baby at the
• 4:45
  hospital when you were born i had really hoped for it i thought it'd be a fun fun thing
• 4:52
  turns out no you are my real child nothing fun about that no switch up baby i'm really sorry
• 5:02
  you're saying i'm your son i know honey i know i'm sorry i know we both secretly wanted no
• 5:09
  to turn to turn 18 and then i was i was gonna let you know and then you were gonna go on a fun
• 5:16
  journey to find your real family and then and then the the baby that was switched that's my
• 5:21
  actual biological child would go on a fun journey to find me and then there'd be a a great tearful
• 5:27
  reunion and or maybe it would be one of those things where it'd just be like i'd be at the
• 5:31
  mall one day and then I'd see somebody walk in and he'd be like, Hey, he does that same funny
• 5:37
  little, every third step, he does a little hop just like me. Maybe that's genetic. And then I'd
• 5:43
  look closer and he'd have meemaw's eyes. And then I'd be like, wait a second, wait a second. And I
• 5:48
  test him secretly. And then I find out he's really my son. And now that will never happen
• 5:55
  because you're my real son. I don't understand. I went to the loosest security hospital that I
• 6:01
  could go to, honey. You've been telling me for years. Do you hope I'm not yours? I know. And I
• 6:07
  meant it. I meant it every single time. You were going to find your family. I was going to find my
• 6:11
  family. Now we're just stuck with each other. Yeah. You're my stupid mom. I know. Well,
• 6:17
  how do you think I feel? You're my idiot son. I'm going to slam my door.
• 6:21
  my
• 6:25
  I should have known it was you I slam it just like that Oh God I coming back I back
• 6:37
  It's just...
• 6:38
  So upsetting.
• 6:39
  I know.
• 6:40
  How do you think I feel?
• 6:42
  Every time you did something stupid, I was always like, doesn't matter.
• 6:45
  He's not my real son.
• 6:46
  My real son's out there doing smart stuff.
• 6:48
  Yeah.
• 6:49
  And every time I showed you a meme on my phone and you said, who's that?
• 6:53
  I thought to myself, well, it's okay, because I have a smart mom out there.
• 6:59
  But now I don't?
• 7:00
  God, what are we going to do about this?
• 7:04
  Wait.
• 7:06
  There's a whole world out there full of people who don't know I'm your real son.
• 7:14
  We could find someone who's disappointed.
• 7:17
  We could find someone who's in the exact same situation.
• 7:20
  And just convince them and switch to birth?
• 7:22
  Yeah.
• 7:23
  quick to the mall.
• 7:26
  Cut to the mall.
• 7:29
  Oh.
• 7:29
  Can't you hear any samples?
• 7:31
  Oh, wow.
• 7:33
  Oh, look.
• 7:33
  Klairs, get your ear passing here.
• 7:36
  Klairs.
• 7:36
  Oh, wow.
• 7:37
  Look at that.
• 7:37
  Tilly's.
• 7:38
  Maybe I'll get a hat.
• 7:40
  Torrid.
• 7:41
  Hi.
• 7:43
  Okay.
• 7:44
  Okay.
• 7:44
  What's up?
• 7:45
  Hey, have you found anyone that you want to be your actual mom yet?
• 7:48
  I've been scouting sons like crazy.
• 7:50
  Okay.
• 7:50
  I have a few contenders,
• 7:52
  but they were too hot.
• 7:54
  I don't want to get into anything weird.
• 7:56
  Smart.
• 7:57
  Yeah.
• 7:57
  That's smart.
• 7:57
  Yeah.
• 7:59
  Oh, what about that one over there?
• 8:02
  Ooh.
• 8:03
  Okay.
• 8:04
  Reading a book.
• 8:05
  Smart mom.
• 8:05
  Okay, good.
• 8:07
  Now what you need to do is emulate something that she does
• 8:11
  and make her think it's genetic.
• 8:13
  Okay.
• 8:14
  Oh, she's laughing at the book.
• 8:16
  Oh my God.
• 8:17
  Okay.
• 8:18
  I'm going to walk by.
• 8:18
  Okay, go for it.
• 8:19
  Hand me that book.
• 8:20
  Oh.
• 8:20
  Here, I stole this from the kid next to me.
• 8:24
  Oh, thank you.
• 8:26
  It's hop on pop.
• 8:27
  Oh.
• 8:29
  He was a kid.
• 8:29
  That's all he had.
• 8:30
  Oh, God.
• 8:32
  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
• 8:36
  Oh, my God.
• 8:38
  Are you also laughing while reading a copy of Bride's Head Revisited?
• 8:42
  Yes, let me just hide this book.
• 8:45
  Oh, my God.
• 8:46
  I don't mean to be too forward.
• 8:49
  I'm going to make a revelation now.
• 8:50
  Okay.
• 8:52
  I'm making a revelation.
• 8:54
  I love how you announced the journey of your revelations.
• 8:58
  Thank you.
• 8:59
  I couldn't help but notice that you have eyes.
• 9:02
  I do.
• 9:04
  Me too.
• 9:05
  Mama?
• 9:07
  Wait a minute.
• 9:09
  Make it a closer look.
• 9:12
  Oh my God.
• 9:14
  Great grandpappy Thomas and Smith
• 9:19
  had eyes just like you.
• 9:22
  They came to me in a dream.
• 9:24
  Your eyes came to you in a dream?
• 9:25
  No, grandpappy.
• 9:27
  Do you by any chance have a son you don't love?
• 9:32
  Yes, I do.
• 9:33
  It's sitting right next to me this whole time.
• 9:35
  I've been ignoring him.
• 9:36
  Oh my God.
• 9:37
  Oh, I see him now.
• 9:39
  Don't acknowledge him.
• 9:40
  Oh, I wouldn't.
• 9:41
  No.
• 9:42
  Good Hey someone just hit me Yeah No shoot I sorry mom Oh can I call you mom Hey I guess
• 9:54
  See that lady over there?
• 9:56
  Wait, the one that's not reading a book?
• 9:58
  Yeah.
• 9:59
  She looks cool.
• 10:00
  Books are stupid.
• 10:02
  You should go talk to her.
• 10:05
  Really?
• 10:06
  Wait.
• 10:06
  Yeah.
• 10:07
  I think so, Billy.
• 10:09
  Do you think she might be?
• 10:10
  might be my real mom your real mom thank god you're real dead billy just hey hey you you you
• 10:21
  new guy just be yeah be warned every time you try and show her meme she's gonna say something about
• 10:27
  brides had revisited okay that's every freaking time every freaking time that's an exaggeration
• 10:34
  we can work it out i said i showed her the distracted group boyfriend meme yeah all she
• 10:41
  said was just like in bride's head i'm sorry sorry that really genuinely made me laugh
• 10:47
  that's really funny all right well i'm gonna go talk to my new mom now
• 10:53
  just just go billy okay enough about it back to back to us yo lady yeah
• 11:02
  uh you looking for a new son oh my god yeah yes i am
• 11:09
  here here let me show you something oh why that young boy is holding that lady's hand
• 11:18
  but he's really distracted by another lady that's pretty that's funny i could see that
• 11:23
  being used in many different contexts you know what i kind of feel like right now i'm that young
• 11:31
  man in that meme. And my old son is the one whose hand I'm holding. And you're the one that I'm
• 11:37
  looking at now. Yeah, you get it. You get it. You get memes. You understand memes. I think I finally
• 11:46
  do. Oh, wow. Come on. You come with me. I'm leaving my son here.
• 11:55
  Got you that night back at the house.
• 11:57
  Honey
• 12:01
  What the fuck is this?
• 12:03
  It's our son
• 12:05
  Hey dad, what's up?
• 12:08
  Where's Thomas?
• 12:10
  I don't know, he's with his real family
• 12:12
  It's finally come to true
• 12:14
  It's finally come to fruition
• 12:16
  We've swapped sons
• 12:18
  Oh my god
• 12:20
  What?
• 12:21
  You have to get him back
• 12:23
  He's my blood, my son
• 12:26
  Honey
• 12:27
  I'll kill you
• 12:29
  Honey, honey, honey
• 12:30
  Before you do that
• 12:34
  Look at this picture of this boy
• 12:38
  Holding this lady's hand
• 12:40
  But he's turned around
• 12:42
  Looking at a different lady
• 12:44
  What?
• 12:46
  This is fucking nuts
• 12:48
  See
• 12:54
  Thank you.