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Transcript

Whackhead Prank: Is your neighbour's charm winning over your wife? · Darren “Whackhead” Simpson’s prank calls on Kfm Mornings

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Stop.
• 0:00
  Speaker 2: Stop what you're doing. Here is another world famous.
• 0:03
  Speaker 3: Prank call from Darren Wackhead Simpson. Exclusive to KFM Mornings.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: So it was nice to see the mayor roll out
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: the SWAT team of Cape Town yesterday. We've seen these
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: vehicles in movies. Did you see that?
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  Speaker 3: Now, when you say SWAT team, what do you mean?
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: Well, apparently we've got a SWAT team now.
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  Speaker 3: Is this new for us? Are we in danger?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, we had a unit before, but they were never
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  Speaker 1: called SWAT. They were... I don't know. They had a name.
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  Speaker 1: But now it's like SWAT. Like the vehicle says SWAT.
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  Speaker 1: Special Weapons and Tactics. Just like the movies. Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: There's an actual movie called SWAT.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Do you know how many police officers we have in
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  Speaker 1: South Africa? We have 187,000.
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  Speaker 3: 681.
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  Speaker 1: Do you know how many private security offices we have
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  Speaker 1: in South Africa?
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  Speaker 3: Significantly more.
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  Speaker 1: 637,000. The ratio is 3.4 to 1. And that's not
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  Speaker 1: a good thing. No, that's not a good thing.
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  Speaker 2: You know?
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  Speaker 4: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: It's like when you drive into an area and you
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  Speaker 1: see electric fencing and you see burglar bars on all
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  Speaker 1: the windows.
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  Speaker 3: You go, oh.
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  Speaker 1: This is not... a safe place to be. You know,
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  Speaker 1: some of it's just precautionary. Some of it's for real,
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  Speaker 1: you know. So private security is a massive industry, as
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  Speaker 1: we know. It's almost as big as the smash burger
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  Speaker 1: industry in Cape Town. Almost as big. Not yet. Private security,
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  Speaker 1: you've got a fair way to go.
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  Speaker 2: Okay.
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  Speaker 1: So I'm phoning up a random... private security company. But
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  Speaker 1: I'm taking on the persona of a very paranoid husband. Because,
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  Speaker 1: you know, you can outsource your private security, but you
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  Speaker 1: can't outsource keeping eyes on your wife. When you have
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  Speaker 1: certain suspicions.
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  Speaker 2: Alright.
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  Speaker 1: So, you know, some security companies now, they offer... medical.
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  Speaker 1: They offer fire as well. They've got all these add-ons.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, you press that panic button and they come flying.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. So I wanted to find out what extra add-ons
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  Speaker 1: the security company had for me as this very paranoid
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  Speaker 1: husband slash neighbor.
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  Speaker 4: Good afternoon. I'm Gerard speaking. How may I assist you?
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  Speaker 3: Yes, please.
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  Speaker 1: I need to inquire about getting a security solution for
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  Speaker 1: my house, please.
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  Speaker 4: All right. Would you like a question or how can
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  Speaker 4: we assist you?
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  Speaker 1: What is it that you offer?
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  Speaker 4: Anything from electric fencing to gates and motors.
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  Speaker 1: Sounding good to me.
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  Speaker 4: And monitoring and response, those kind of things.
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  Speaker 1: Sounding fantastic. Do you know, meet Gerard. I'm Gerard. Look,
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  Speaker 1: I need to protect my house from my neighbor. That's
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  Speaker 1: who I'm specifically looking to protect myself from.
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  Speaker 4: Okay.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, this guy, I don't like him at all. His
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: name is Peter, and I think he's a piece of trash.
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  Speaker 4: I wonder.
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  Speaker 1: Because it seems that my wife has taken a bit
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  Speaker 1: of a liking to Peter.
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  Speaker 5: So, we're a response company. We don't do domestic violence.
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  Speaker 1: I understand that, but what I'm trying to do is
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  Speaker 1: keep this man out of my house because what I'm
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  Speaker 1: thinking is that when I go to work at 7.30
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  Speaker 1: in the morning, he's coming over. The infidelity happening within
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: my marriage.
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  Speaker 4: I would like to advise that you would then speak
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  Speaker 4: to a lawyer about this because the armed response team
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  Speaker 4: won't be able to... do anything about domestic issues.
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  Speaker 1: This is about guarding my property. I think she likes
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  Speaker 1: them too because all I hear when I come home
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  Speaker 1: from work, Peter this, Peter that. You know what Peter did?
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: You know what Peter did? Oh, Peter's a chiropractor. Great.
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  Speaker 1: You should let Peter have a look at your back.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, I'd rather let Captain Hook do a
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  Speaker 1: prostate exam on me.
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  Speaker 4: Can I get your details so then I can make
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  Speaker 4: sure that the staff person does come back to you
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  Speaker 4: and tries to explain.
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  Speaker 1: I need the full kit. I need you to throw
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  Speaker 1: everything at it. I need you to look at it
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  Speaker 1: as if you are guarding the White House. I need
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  Speaker 1: six German Shepherds patrolling that wall. I need six German Shepherds.
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  Speaker 1: Can you give them to me?
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  Speaker 4: Okay, I need a moat to be put right around
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  Speaker 4: my building.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, and I also need you to put.
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  Speaker 4: I think that to me still people will have a
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  Speaker 4: problem with that.
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  Speaker 1: I need you to put an obstacle course between my
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  Speaker 1: house and his house, one like you see on Takeshi's castle.
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  Speaker 1: It's going to take him at least one hour to
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  Speaker 1: get through it. Probably by the time he gets to
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  Speaker 1: my house, he's going to be too tired to do
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  Speaker 1: anything with my wife anyways.
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  Speaker 4: I hope for your safety. I think that would go
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  Speaker 4: against all laws.
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  Speaker 1: When he triggers a beam, I want a SWAT team
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  Speaker 1: that can rain down on a sunny day like a
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  Speaker 1: monkey's wedding.
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  Speaker 5: Like I explained to you, sir, we do not provide
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  Speaker 5: canine units.
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  Speaker 4: We cannot take our response modes. Even if it really
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  Speaker 4: was going on, I doubt she'd be in what person
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  Speaker 4: would be dumb enough to do it at her own house.
• 6:00
  Speaker 4: they would obviously find other places, not even just your house.
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  Speaker 4: There's no real way that you can keep that away.
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  Speaker 4: But as far as security is concerned, and if you're
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  Speaker 4: worried about your family's security, then we can obviously help
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  Speaker 4: you with that.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: I need two snipers on my roof. Can you provide that?
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  Speaker 4: No, you cannot provide snipers. If I was you, first
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  Speaker 4: of all, I'd get a very good lawyer because you
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  Speaker 4: can't address it like that. And obviously you'll have to
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  Speaker 4: catch them red-handed, you know, pictures, videos or whatever. Or
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  Speaker 4: get messages or emails or something. That's substantial proof that
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  Speaker 4: your wife is in fact.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, he only moved in at the beginning of
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  Speaker 1: the month. And I just look at this guy and
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  Speaker 1: he seems like one of those guys that he can
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  Speaker 1: win any lady over. Do you know what I mean?
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: 17 years. Not to my knowledge, no. But this guy
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: can sing. He's buff. He works out at the gym.
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  Speaker 1: He can certainly sing a decent Marvin Gaye track.
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  Speaker 4: Well, it seems like you know a lot more about
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  Speaker 4: him than your wife does.
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  Speaker 1: Well, I've just been watching him with the binoculars and
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  Speaker 1: I can hear him sing all these nice songs that
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  Speaker 1: make the ladies go weak at the knees. If I
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: had to try to serenade you now... Let's get it on. Let's...
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: Let's get it on.
• 7:40
  Speaker 3: He's always smelling of.
• 7:41
  Speaker 4: He's got a nice cologne, like Aramis or something. How
• 8:05
  Speaker 4: close are you to your neighbour?
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: You know, I'm like a.
• 8:08
  Speaker 4: I mean, it sounds like you have a affair with
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  Speaker 4: your neighbour or something.
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  Speaker 2: You know, I.
• 8:14
  Speaker 4: No man can tell me how other guys smell. And
• 8:18
  Speaker 4: how would you know that it is aromas?
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  Speaker 1: Well, there just are no colognes, you know? OK.
• 8:24
  Speaker 4: I will make sure that the salesperson gets back to you, sir.
• 8:28
  Speaker 4: I hope that your problem gets resolved soon. Yeah. Can
• 8:33
  Speaker 4: you speak to your wife, please?
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  Speaker 5: I doubt that she's actually having something to do with
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  Speaker 5: your neighbour, but, yeah.
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  Speaker 1: His name is a guy called Wackett Simpson.
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  Speaker 5: Hi.
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  Speaker 4: Hi.
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  Speaker 1: Do you always offer marital advice with your queries?
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  Speaker 4: Well, I hope.
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  Speaker 5: Because it sounds like he's... I wouldn't go that far.
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  Speaker 4: It's preposterous.
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  Speaker 1: She's wonderful, eh?
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  Speaker 2: Wow.
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  Speaker 1: She had the whole counseling session there.
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  Speaker 3: She was invested. Trained for all kinds of things.
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  Speaker 1: Well, I want six German Shepherds. This man can sing.
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  Speaker 1: That's a super talent. Guys, you can have a six
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  Speaker 1: pack and picks, but if you can sing, That's a
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  Speaker 1: different skill set altogether.
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  Speaker 3: Use it responsibly.
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  Speaker 1: Does this work on you? Let's get it on. No,
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: you see what I'm saying? This is Shaggy. Appropriate song.
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  Speaker 1: What an iconic song, eh? That was one of those
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  Speaker 1: songs of our history that we'll never forget. It wasn't me.
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  Speaker 1: Shaggy here on KFM Mornings. So just on that... note,
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  Speaker 1: I said, you know, guys, if you can sing, you know,
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  Speaker 1: it's offsides. You know what I mean?
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  Speaker 3: You're in a different league.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: And you hope that that gift is given to people
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  Speaker 3: who will use it with honor and responsibility.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: Well, speaking of which, enter one Mr. Eby Inglis.
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  Speaker 2: Exactly. And Eby invited us to his wife's 50th birthday,
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  Speaker 2: myself and my wife. And everything went well. And he's
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: obviously now emceeing the whole thing. And then Eby came.
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  Speaker 2: Breaks out into song.
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  Speaker 3: Serenades.
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  Speaker 1: No, that's not right.
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  Speaker 2: And serenades his wife.
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  Speaker 1: In front of all the other husbands.
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  Speaker 2: All of us.
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  Speaker 1: And their wives.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: All of us.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: No, that's not right.
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: It's a great party trick. And the song. But the song, though.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: Callum Scott, you're the reason. Oh, no. Like the notes,
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  Speaker 2: he hits it. He does it like perfect.
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  Speaker 1: No.
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  Speaker 3: And knowing EB, was he walking, working the crowd, working
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  Speaker 3: the room, making eye contact with his wifey.
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  Speaker 1: And your wife.
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  Speaker 3: It's like, yeah, what do you bring to the table?
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: And then afterwards, I was like, Ibi, you can't do
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  Speaker 2: this to us, man.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: I bring a Hyundai Elantra to the table.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: What must we do now for our wives?
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  Speaker 3: Ibi, raise the bar.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: No, that's against the bro code. Seriously, you don't do
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  Speaker 1: that in front of other people's wives.
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  Speaker 3: What is your talent? What can you show off with
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  Speaker 3: in that situation? If you can't sing... What can you do? Hey,
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: set up a mic and do a show. Tell a joke.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: Make her laugh. That stuff happens behind closed doors.
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  Speaker 3: Skilled in other departments.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: Offside, Ibby.
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: Offside.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: We could never be friends. We got some messages here
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: from the prank this morning.
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  Speaker 3: This woman needs a medal.
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: The way she goes from giving you security advice... to
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: being your therapist and maintaining her composure.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: I like how she protected that wife.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: That's you, you the problem.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: His name is a guy called Wackhead Simpson.
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  Speaker 3: I got that, yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, it's 27 minutes after 8 o'clock. Let's get a
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: quick look at those roads, please, Sherlyn.