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For narcissists marriage is the FINISH LINE · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on, beautiful folks?
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  Today we're going to be talking about how marriage is the finish
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  line for narcissist and toxic people getting you married,
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  getting you stuck with them just like that is the finish line for
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  narcissist. If you hear my name is Lee
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  Hammock, I'm a self aware narcissist and welcome to
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  another episode of The Narcissist Code.
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  Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.
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  Yes, the finish line for narcissists like the race, the
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  toxic narcissistic race. Boom, finish done.
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  I beat you, I beat you. Now we we crossed the line
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  together. So before we hop deep into
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  today's episode, y'all make sure if you haven't already to hop
• 0:56
  over and check out my website, mentalillness.net.
• 0:59
  You'll find all things mental illness there.
• 1:00
  My support group, my books, my other YouTube channel called Lee
• 1:04
  actions and you know a lot of other things about me, upcoming
• 1:07
  events and things of that nature.
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  Check it out. But yes, the finish line for
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  narcissists, a lot of people. So I just finished reading the
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  book. It's called Attached.
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  It's an amazing book. Shout out to my man Yousha Assad
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  for recommending that book for me.
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  Amazing book and it's about attachment theory and whatnot.
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  It's a beautiful book. That's what it looks like right
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  here, y'all. If you want to check it out on
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  Amazon, I feel like my camera will not focus.
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  I'll have to put it on the screen later.
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  It just will not focus on it. But it's by Amir Levine and
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  Rachel Heller. Beautiful book, but it just got
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  me thinking about how narcissistic people tend to have
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  an avoided attachment style. Not all avoidance are
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  narcissists, but narcissists do tend to have an avoided
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  attachment style and they can masquerade as us having a secure
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  having a secure attachment style or or even pretend to have an
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  anxious attachment style just to get you sucked in, just to suck
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  you in and whatnot. But typically they're going to
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  have an avoiding attachment style, which means typically
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  means that they are going to be averse to emotional closeness,
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  but they want the physical part. They want the, they want you
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  physically there, but they still want their independence.
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  They still want, you know, to have you there just in case they
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  change their mind. They still want to have you
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  around and things of that nature.
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  So that's how it typically works, right?
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  So if you're dealing with narcissists, you're dealing with
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  toxic people, that's going to be the mentality and the mindset.
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  Like they want to, they want to have you, they want to have
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  somebody always there for them, but they don't necessarily want
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  the emotional baggage that comes along with being with somebody.
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  So I can pretend and hold up. I, I can hold up the facade a
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  lot. I can just say, oh, here's the
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  facade. Here's this right here.
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  You know, this is what's going on.
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  This is what happened. Like they can pretend to be
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  something that something that they're not, but eventually the
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  mass is going to come out. That's why you a lot of people
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  ask why don't narcissists move so fast?
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  Why the relationship have to move fast?
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  Because the slower you move, the more apartment you are.
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  To seeing them for who they really are, to seeing us for who
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  we really are. Because I fall into this
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  category, I know a lot of people just say, Lee, why don't you
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  just say us? Why don't you just say us for
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  everything? Because I don't do all this.
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  I don't do all this stuff. If it applies to me, I would
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  apply to me. I would say us or we.
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  If it ain't something I do or have done, I don't say damn, why
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  don't they help me? Not all narcissists are
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  narcissists are not a monolith, right, but not a monolithic
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  personality disorder. But this is what happens.
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  So many people get caught up in these dynamics in these spaces
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  that when you're dealing with a narcissist, you're dealing with
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  a toxic person. You're going to encounter speed
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  most times. Some some narcissists like to
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  keep it slow and just keep you keep you have you at this
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  emotional distance and they'll find other ways to suck you in,
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  right, about other ways to suck you in.
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  I mean, getting you pregnant really quickly, getting pregnant
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  by you really quickly or, or sorry, I don't right, the camera
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  or I said getting you prayed, getting prayed by you really
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  quickly, moving in together, buying a house together, getting
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  you to cosign for something really fast.
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  There are other ways that they can, you know, cross this quote
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  UN quote finish line or it might require you to be in their lives
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  longer, right? There are other ways to
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  accomplish that goal and whatnot, but most narcissists
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  are going to go by the best way right here, like getting
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  married, you know, plus marriage entails a lot of different
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  things. Like, if I'm married, I look
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  normal, don't I? If I'm married, I seem normal to
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  most people, right? If we're married, then most
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  people are going to look at me like I'm a good person, like I'm
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  a decent human being. Like, oh, look at that married
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  person over there. Look at that married man.
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  You know I'm going to fit into society more because I'm
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  married, right? I'm going to fit in.
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  I'm going to look better, I'm going to present better.
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  Oh, you look married. You know how to hold it now, you
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  know, you know how to run a household.
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  She knows, she, she knows what she's, you know, she knows the
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  stuff, she knows what she got going on marriage, marriage,
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  marriage. But marriage for narcissist is
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  the finish line because it damn near almost guarantees,
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  especially if y'all have this religious mindset on marriage
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  and whatnot and you feel like you can't get divorced for any
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  other reason other than cheating.
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  Like you're like your happiness doesn't matter anymore when you
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  get married, which is kind of crazy to me.
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  You know what I mean? I know people, a lot of people
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  base their marriages on the Bible and whatnot, but it's just
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  kind of crazy to me when people get married and like, like their
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  happiness goes out the door. Like you can't be happy anymore.
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  Like even if you getting beat up or assaulted, emotionally
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  neglected and stuff like that, you can't divorce anyway.
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  I don't think God want you to suffer like that.
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  But hey, the Easter own everybody has their own
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  viewpoint and whatnot and such. I know people.
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  I know people who hear that just lately when they go and push
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  pause on this video and give Leah scathing review in his
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  comment section. You know nothing about the
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  Bible. Don't speak on God.
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  Like they know God personally like you and God, you know, like
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  you were there when God was, you know, dictating the Bible.
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  OK, I got you. No, you weren't there, but it's
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  the finish line because it guarantees that you're going to
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  be here with me. You mean it guarantees that it's
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  going to be harder to get to where it's going to be harder
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  for you to break up with me. It's great.
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  It's guaranteed. I have this, I have the the
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  physical part that I might want, but the emotional closeness I
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  don't even have to do anymore because we're married.
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  I did, I put like this, it's the finish line because I'm running
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  through my emotional load quickly, right?
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  All the emotional load that I, the entire emotional load that I
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  do have, I'm running through it very quickly.
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  So when I'm going through this stuff, I'm running out.
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  Let's get married. I know we just met.
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  I know we only known each other for two weeks, but I want to
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  marry you. I've never felt this way before.
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  And do does that work on people? Yes, it works on a lot of
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  people, right? It works on a ton of people.
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  And this is how it goes for so many people.
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  This is the mindset in the space that so many people fall into,
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  like because you're dealing with narcissistic people, you're
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  dealing with toxic, abusive people.
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  This is the space that so many people fall into.
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  You don't like I said, it's, it's hard to rectify dealing
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  with this type of toxicity. It's hard to understand dealing
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  with this mindset and dealing with this abusive person.
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  It's so hard and so difficult to process it right.
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  It really is. So you're, you're talking to a
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  narcissist, you're dealing with a narcissistic person.
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  Like, just understand that they want to get married quickly.
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  Yeah. Can they can they care about
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  you? Yes, they can care about you,
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  but they want to get married quickly because it guarantees
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  that they'll have somebody. That's why you see a lot of
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  times when they get married, they turn it off.
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  You know, a lot of people work so hard to keep the marriage
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  going. You on your side of things, you
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  work so hard to keep the marriage going, to keep it going
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  strong or whatnot. But when narcissists get
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  married, they turn it off. They're like, damn you.
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  Like, damn, wait, what you get? We just got married.
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  We you, you got changed already. Damn.
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  I ain't get a chance to take a deep breath.
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  Damn. You know what I mean?
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  That's what so many people fall into right there like you, you,
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  you, you're struggling to deal with this type of stuff.
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  You're battling it, battling it. It's it becomes so tough to deal
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  with. So that's why I'll be rooting
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  for y'all to just understand that the abusive narcissistic
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  person, they're going to continue to be abusive.
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  They're going to continue to be manipulative.
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  They're going to continue to be continue to be toxic.
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  They're going to continue to do this damaging things to you.
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  They're going to continue to do so much to you and around you to
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  to benefit themselves because they can turn it off.
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  They like like they can take the mask off.
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  If I've had mask on for a long time and we finally get married.
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  I, we both say I do, I can turn it off.
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  You see what I'm saying? I can absolutely turn it off.
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  I can say I do and we both get married and then I do.
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  Now I'm done. You see what I'm saying?
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  I do and I'm done. As I said, turn it off damn near
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  immediately once you get married.
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  And that sucks for so many people.
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  That sucks for so many people to have to deal with and so many
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  people to have to battle. It really does.
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  But that's why I'm just I, I, I, how do I say this?
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  Like I, I just want y'all to know that that's why when they
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  get married, they emotionally disconnect from you.
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  You feel a disconnect even on a honeymoon.
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  Like I've heard people, I've done one on ones with people
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  before, right? I've been on, I've been on zoom
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  calls before with, you know, literally so many people.
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  Y'all, I've been on Zoom calls before and people say the night
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  of the wedding my partner said I got you now you're mine now.
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  Yeah, things going to change now.
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  Got you. They'll say something obscure
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  like that in the North, in the in the survivor or whatever,
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  just like, oh, you, you got me. Yeah, we married.
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  Yeah. You know, the narcissist has a
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  different perspective on it. They're like, I got you now.
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  I no longer have to work hard now since we married.
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  I no longer have to put the work in anymore since we married.
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  You don't like get you going to get the worst of me.
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  You got the best of me before we got married.
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  That's why people when you when you get the marriage, it goes
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  downhill. It's crazy, you know, it's crazy
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  how it goes downhill. They shut, they shut things off.
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  It doesn't mean that the marriage is over, that they will
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  divorce you because they want, a lot of them want you there, but
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  it means they, they, they create this emotional, emotional
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  distance now. And the crazy thing about it is
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  they because they're doing it, they're because most of them are
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  doing it on a subconscious level, they'll start blaming you
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  for the emotional distance when they start finding fault in you.
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  They'll start finding fault in you and picking on you and
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  poking at you in order to create, to have an excuse to be
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  emotionally distant from you. And then they'll blame you for
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  the emotional distance. And guess what happens?
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  They'll start to emotionally connect to somebody else.
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  You'll be married to them, but they'll be emotionally cheating
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  on you and somebody else. And sometimes the emotional
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  cheating can lead the physical cheating, their physical stuff
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  can lead to them leaving the whole leaving the marriage as a
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  whole. And they can leave you sad as
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  hell. They can leave you feeling
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  broken. They can leave you feeling
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  diminished and destroyed. And it's 100% understandable to
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  feel that way. I don't feel bad for getting
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  upset that your heart got broken Is it hurts?
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  We understand. Everybody understands, like not
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  everybody, but the people who people who understand what you
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  went through, they get it. You hurting.
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  It's OK to hurt Y'all don't try to hold it in.
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  Let that let y'all let it out. You have to let if you hold it
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  in, you're going to suffer. I promise you, if you hold it
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  in, you're going to feel like you're suffering, you know?
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  Now I want y'all to win. Y'all know y'all.
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  If y'all don't understand by now that Lee Hammock genuinely wants
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  y'all to win, I don't know what to tell you.
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  You see what I mean? I, I really don't know what to
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  tell you because I'd be rooting for y'all.
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  Y'all can say what? People just don't leave you just
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  being fake because you want people rabble, rabble, rabble.
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  You want this and that, that, that.
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  No, I want y'll to win. That's why I be saying the stuff
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  that I say. That's why I do the stuff that I
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  do. I'll give you all this
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  information not to hurt your feelings, you see what I'm
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  saying, but to help you understand it and help you win.
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  You know what I mean? To help you understand what you
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  what you survive, help you understand what you went
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  through, help you be the best version of yourself.
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  Just because you get you married a narcissist doesn't mean your
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  life is over. Like, I know everybody's
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  religion is different. Everybody's views religion
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  different. If you're UN Yeah.
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  I just truly believe, you know, I'm not a religious zealot.
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  I just truly believe that God didn't put you here to be
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  unhappy. You know what I mean?
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  You know what I mean? I feel like God did not put you
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  here to be unhappy. Now go forth and suffer your
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  name. You're not Jesus.
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  You see what I'm saying? You're not Jesus.
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  He you're not suffering for anybody's sins.
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  Jesus did that. So why are you suffering?
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  You see what I'm saying? Like I don't think God put you
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  here to suffer Like there's, you know, I just want y'all to.
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  I don't want you to have to thrive.
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  I want y'all to have fun with life.
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  And I want y'all to just be be be as empowered as possible.
• 12:06
  Anyway, child, thank you for tuning in to another episode.
• 12:08
  I really truly appreciate every single one of y'all.
• 12:10
  Look, go to mentalillness.net, sign up, sign up for my
• 12:12
  newsletter and be ready because like Dallas, TX, we just booked
• 12:16
  Houston, TX. So Dallas, TX on November the
• 12:19
  2nd, Houston, TX on November the 3rd for our next in person week,
• 12:23
  week shot next in person workshops.
• 12:25
  No, they won't be. They will not be over Zoom.
• 12:27
  This is in person live and in person.
• 12:28
  We did one in DC, we're doing in Texas, Texas, North Carolina,
• 12:32
  Georgia, Toronto, and maybe some other stuff for the end of the
• 12:35
  year. Anyway, y'all, be safe, take
• 12:36
  care of yourselves, love yourself, love one another, stay
• 12:38
  empowered. And as always, as always, mental
• 12:41
  illness is out. Thank you so much for making it
• 12:43
  to the end of my video. I am extremely grateful for you.
• 12:46
  Have no idea. If you haven't already, make
• 12:48
  sure you go ahead and subscribe to the channel, help us reach
• 12:50
  more people and click on the screen to watch another video or
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  to browse to another playlist. There's also a link on the
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  screen to check out my courses and my support groups to help
• 12:58
  you heal and understand what you've been through.
• 12:59
  Thank you so much again. I will see you in the next
• 13:01
  video. Peace.