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S2 E47 - Who is Smarter? · The Steve & Jeff Show

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Steve and Jeff Show, the number one comedy podcast at Steve's mom's house, that is.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Be sure and follow or subscribe to the Steve and Jeff Show wherever you listen to podcasts.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Write us a review while you're there too.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: And now, here's Steve and Jeff.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Well, hey, Johnny, thanks for introducing us.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: And uh good to hear that you and my mom have kind of patched things up and things are looking better now.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: And Jeff, isn't it great to be back?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: It is great.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: I I can't tell you how much I missed not being on the show for a week.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: I know, which is what we do every week, I guess.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Every week, every week is it's it's like this storm undrong, not to go all European on you, but it's it's it's this dichotomy.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's like you want to be on the show, but we're not.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: We're not on the show.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and don't you think that there's a part of us that thinks there won't be another week?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: In the back of my mind, you know, it's like, yeah, how do you know?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: How do you know?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: You don't know, you know, we're all just they're moving probably.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: Probably will there will be a week where there won't be another week.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what week that is.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Hopefully, it's a long ways off, but you know, I suppose there will be a last one at some point, but hey, not this one.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, no, no, no, we're going places.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: This one, you know.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: I got back from my trip, I was in Europe for a few days because I'm you know, I'm that kind of guy.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Because you can, because you went to Europe because you could.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: I did, and I was on this big high when I came back, Steve.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: And as I mentioned to you earlier, I was in some countries where I felt like I was a little smarter than them, and I'm not gonna name names, but some of them are the butts of very popular jokes in the 60s and 70s.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, okay, I get it.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: I get it, okay, yeah.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I was feeling pretty frisky, and then I just have to tell you, Stevie, you kind of burst my bubble because you know, I come back, you and I get together after me being gone, and we've always had this kind of sibling rivalry, even though we're not siblings.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: We're not you know well, we're sort of like faux half brothers, if you want to think of it that way.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but I think in the back of our minds, I think we we we both have wondered I don't know how to put it any other way, who's smarter.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: No, that's I that's exactly it.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, that's exactly the way to put it, yeah.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: And so you came up with this idea that we take this test, and you know, we take this IQ test, and it turns out that you uh beat me.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: I did, Jeff, you know, and uh it was a it was close, it was close.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: It was really a week of smarts because we you know we we we took that test and that the test smarted a little bit because some of those questions, I don't know where they get some of those questions.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: I have they modified this test since 1947, but I digress.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: But yes, we had a week of smarts, we took the test, and you did very well, Jeff.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: IQ of 135, nothing to be ashamed of.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: That is very, very good.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was, of course, 136, but you know, okay, but it's a point, it's a point.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: What difference does a point make?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: You know, well, and part yeah, and part of me was feeling really kind of good about it because to be honest with you, once I hit triple digits, I was pretty happy.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, oh yeah, you're ahead of many.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: I am well some of them were in countries that I went and visited, and think about this if the average IQ is a hundred, that means half the country is lower than a hundred.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and I and I still have an issue with that, Steve.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not real good in math, but I'm I'm just wondering why isn't the top IQ a hundred?
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like put everything on a scale of one to a hundred, you know.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I guess it's good for me because I end up at over a hundred, and so I guess that makes me feel good, but I just don't know why they do that.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: I think the IQ people just really overthought it, you know, and they said, well, a hundred is not quite good enough.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, we got to make it better.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: We'll all get a hundred, but oh, we need to get a hundred and thirty, a hundred and fifty, a hundred and seventy.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know, you know.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: I know, and speaking of overthinking it, so you know, so I went home after you know, we looked at the results of the test, and I was feeling kind of bad about it because I was only one point away, and then I started wondering this is really wrong of me, but you had a chance to see the test questions before I did, and I took the test just ahead of you.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: Is that right?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I know you thought it was those magic earrings that I was wearing.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: You thought the Wi-Fi, oh no, no, no, no.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, well, Jeff, I saw the questions, and really, Jeff, I think that's why I got the extra point because that just shows that I'm smart.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: I cannot argue with you on that.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: I there you go.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: I would never have thought that.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, obviously, I didn't think it until I went home and and then kind of thought it.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, have to give me some credit for it.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: You know, having said that, maybe there's a better way, you know.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: I I think that you and I talked about this afterwards, that uh maybe there's another kind of test we could do that maybe is a little bit more objective and uh in the end will give me a better chance, unless you're willing to let me see the questions ahead of time.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: Well, could I can't agree more?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: I could not agree more.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: You're so right, because I started doing some reading after we had that talk.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: After, you know, let's let's just be fair.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: I beat you by a point.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, we had that talk and I started to feel bad.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: Say it again, Steve.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: Come on.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: Well, okay, I beat you by a point, but I started I started to feel a little bad, not not horrible, but I started to feel slightly bad.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: By like a point.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: A point by a point, right?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and but I did some reading, and I think IQ tests really don't measure critical parts of the brain, they don't really measure the ability to think.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: I really got impressed by some work, but work of the Royal Latvian Academy, and particularly the seminal work of Vaginus and Paniski, uh, they're really penetrated, really got to the got to the merger of brain and measurement.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: They said no, it you cannot measure thinking with an IQ test.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: So so are you telling me that the one point that you are smarter than me results in me not having any idea what you're talking about?
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Is it am I that short by just one point?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know, the higher up you go on the scale, the more a point means.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: If you go from 10 points to 11, that's not so great.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you're about the same, right?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: You go from 135 to 136.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh, that is that is geometric.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that is varied.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's much, much different.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: After doing that, the reading of the Vaginus and Paniski in particular, they were they were just I they were they were made for each other, really.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I started looking for some other tests, and I found one.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: I found a test that I think will work.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you and you showed it to me in all transparency to the audience.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: You showed me the test.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: I I liked it, I thought it was worth doing, and we now have taken part of that test.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: We took part of it, yes.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: And just for to for full disclosure for the audience, it's called the Briggs Allen's Objectively Subjective Profile Encourage and Space Test, or sometimes it's abbreviated by its acronym, the BAUS.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: But I I found it online, so you know it's gotta be good, right?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it was online, they wouldn't have it online, it's gotta be true, right?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so again, for the edification of our audience, because you know, Jeff, half of them are under a hundred points, you know.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: So we gotta do this, but I know it.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: Uh the test is divided into three parts, three categories math, spelling, and judgment.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: And we have taken the math and spelling parts we have, yeah, and I have not seen the results of that, although you I think you do have the results handy, don't you?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm crossing my fingers.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: How are we going into the final round?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: Well, Jeff, you will be amazed, and our game show audience will be amazed that we going into the final round, the playoff round, we are tied at 133.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: We are tied.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: We should quit right now because I'm like one point better than I was before, but but I'm not.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna quit because I'm a gambler.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and I'm game.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: You're you're comparatively one point better, but you're actually objectively two points worse than you were before.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's right.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: So I did a little better on the math one, but no, you know, actually, I didn't like the math one.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you know what I hated about the math one?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: What is these questions were like from the 40s or 50s.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: This you know, the math thing was like it was like, okay, if you have 69 cents and I give you a quarter, it's like, what uh who does anybody use money anymore?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, a quarter.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't seen a quarter since they had those state quarters like 30 years ago.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, they started putting those things out.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, yeah, a quarter of what?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, quarter, a quarter, quarter pounder, quarter quarter beer.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'd go, what are we talking here?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Uh the Jewish quarter, the Jewish quarter, yes, right.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so that could be the case.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and I know what you mean.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: I think I would have been way ahead if my questions were a little easier, too.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because there were some of these questions, Steve.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: These uh spelling questions that oh yeah, I hadn't I had never even thought of how to spell, like there were two of them that really bothered me.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, one was syphilis, and the other one was cannabis.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and Jeff, those are those are two of your favorite things.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, come on.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: How could I not know how to miss those?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: How could I miss those?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: But in fairness to me, I don't name things what they are officially.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: I never heard those terms before, right?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: Those were new to me, you know.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: At the you know, I'm used to other names, you know, like Mary Jane or Cush or you know, stuff like that, and that's just for the syphilis.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, you know, get into weed, you got a whole other rage.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, oh yeah, oh yeah.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: And this cannabis or conolingus or whatever that name is, what's called sometimes they are Canadians they are, they are at least with the syphilis, they are right.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so yeah, yeah, so that's connected too, yeah.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: So maybe what's fair because I think kind of felt bad about the spelling part, but you probably felt a little bad about the map.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: As a result, we end up with the tie in the final round, you know.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: And in fact, I remember, Jeff, when we were young, if I remember correctly, you did use these euphemisms for the you used to call syphilis Fred, and then you'd call Weed Ethel.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: So it was you watched a lot of I Love Lucy back in the day.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: So I think I think that's where it came from, but but it's well, and I used to actually call syphilis Lucy too.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: So you know, that's the show I love Lucy, that can get you in trouble.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, absolutely.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: I think for that judgment part, if we're to break this tie for the tie-breaking competition, I think it'd be fair and I think it'd be entertaining.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: If we do that part of the test tonight, live on our show, didn't bring a guest.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: This is just gonna be just us and our audience and doing the hard work of judgment, getting a judgment mono, mono estereo.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, exactly.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Uh mono draino or whatever.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: Draino or draino.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: Or draino.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: Well, draino.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, draino.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, you know, that that might work.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: That might work.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: So another term I used to use for syphilis.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: Draeno, yeah.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it feels about the same.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: It does pretty much for the yeah, for this judgment part, we each have to answer 10 questions.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: They'll be different questions.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: We don't we won't answer the same question, different questions, and we have to give kind of a short explanation.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's 10 questions, so we can't talk too long about each one, but a little short explanation for each question as to why that's our answer.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: So I think probably I'll give you the questions you're to answer, and you give me the questions I'm to answer.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: Does that work?
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, it works, and I think I understand it, although you know I've got the tiny brain.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we'll see.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: So, yes, you're gonna have a big point.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: You got the points get bigger as you get.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's just one point.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, it's one, but it's a big one.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: Oh boy.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: You you want to start?
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'll give you a question.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: Give me the first question, and uh and I'll be ready.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, Jeff, here is your first question.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: Given a choice, would you go without shampoo for the rest of your life or without toothpaste for the rest of your life?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I am gonna, I am going to knock this out of the park.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's a ridiculous question.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: I have no hair.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I don't even use shampoo.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, I'm going to give up the shampoo.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: That just makes total sense.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's a pretty smart answer.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: That is that is totally in the lead.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: We really should throw that question out.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: Several election officials have said that that question was not fair.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: I let me just say, many people are saying that they're curious about where that question came from.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: Well, let's sort of table that objection until we get to the end and see how much I win by.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, okay.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I mean, once you quote win that's air quote, you the listeners can hear those air quotes.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, yeah.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so give me give me a question here.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: Are you ready for your question?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, okay.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: Your question is if you had a choice, would you never get tired or never have to go to the bathroom?
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, you know, that's a tough one because I really enjoy both of those things.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: I really I I find a lot of pleasure in in both.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: I guess I would say, hmm.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: I guess that what you would say?
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: Sounds like a toilet answer to me.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: I do say that quite a bit, you know.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: But I guess I would say that I would never have to go to the bathroom because then I I could just stay with what I'm doing, and and I really enjoy sleeping.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: So I I'd probably I'd probably pick that.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: And that may be the right answer.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: Although I do need to just point out, Steve, that there are things called costume bags.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: You can pretty much go to the bathroom anywhere.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you can sleep on a toilet.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe I've I've fallen asleep on the toilet before.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't stay asleep.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: I think I did once too.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: Now that I now that you mentioned it, I think I did too.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: I think we might have been together at that time.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: So no, could be, could be.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: So, Jeff, there's your next question.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, would you choose to be the ugliest person in the world or the smelliest person in the world?
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so these are real questions, right?
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: Because I there's a part of me, this passive aggressiveness that I'm feeling with you, Steve, that maybe you wanted kind of tell me something.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you wanted to tell me I was ugly, but I think you may have wanted to tell me that I smell.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I to be honest with you, I probably do.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: Here in the studio, we have the fresh air machine.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: I barely notice anything.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm you know occasionally I go to the other side of the glass, you know.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, so which would you rather do?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's because I don't really care what people think of me.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: I think that I would go with smelling the worst, but looking good.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I could blame it on other people, right?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: If you're ugly, it's on you.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: It's on you.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: Frankly, that's better for the podcast because looking good is good for the promotion, but nobody's gonna smell you because it's an audio podcast.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, you you smell like whatever.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: It really doesn't matter.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: So that's so good choice.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: Good choice.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, good.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: Here's your question.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, this is your question number two.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: Would you rather have no thumbs or no fingers?
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: See, if I didn't have thumbs, I couldn't pick up coffee mugs, but if I didn't have fingers, I couldn't pick up coffee mugs.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: Wait.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: Ah, wow.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_01: Boy, that's a tough one.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna say I'm gonna say thumbs because then I can still crawl around, you know?
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, okay.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm gonna say thumbs.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: I can still pick my nose, you know.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: That that works, yeah.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: I pick my nose with my thumb, so I you know, I tried, but my nostrils are a little too small.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: I got a UC Riddle saying, Mine aren't.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, I could I I actually could do it with my whole hand, but that's a different issue.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: But all right, I'm ready for the next question.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Would you want to always hop around on one foot or always have to squat?
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: Well, this is another toilet question.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: Well, there's there's an improv game that's very similar to that.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: Hopping and squatting and leaning, sitting, whatever.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's I think I would want to squat because of the previous question.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know, if I'm gonna go to sleep on the toilet, I need to be able to squat and feel good about that.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not hopping around.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: So I think I gotta go with the squat.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: Well, that'd be dangerous if you had to go to the bathroom.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_01: You would so now here's a question for you.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: Would you rather get wisdom teeth pulled or your butt cheeks pierced?
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: This is a tough one.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: You know, that is tough because they're both permanent, but one seems to have more of a an ongoing lingering effect, perhaps, than the other one.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: I would say I'd rather have my wisdom teeth pulled.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: Again, it's kind of a trick question because I had them pulled years ago.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: So I'll just go with that.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: And how are your butt cheeks?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: Uh you know, they're unpierced.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: I can't tell you that.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: Did I ever tell you that I went to this dispensary to get some pot some ethyl?
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: Ethel, some ethyl, right?
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: And they were like, Oh, would you uh are you over 60 some years old?
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, Yeah, and they go, Hey, would you like the wisdom discount?
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: Wisdom discount.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that the worst?
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: I like that though.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's usually it's like, hey, get your senior discount, get your elderly discount.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: Wisdom, ooh, that's so nice.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_01: And my response was, I I really have no idea what you're talking about.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_01: And they said, Well, there's a problem here because you you're yeah, you don't want to disqualify yourself from that wisdom discount.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: You know, no, no, don't do that.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: You ready, Jeff?
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: Would you prefer to have a huge booger hanging out of your nose for the rest of your life, or yeah, have a pimple on your forehead for the rest of your life?
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's a tie because I got both.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: You're already working with that both on this, yeah.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_01: But I think that I am more annoyed with a pimple in my nose because uh no, no, you know what, Steve?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm sorry.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: I take that back.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta go with the pimple on the forehead because no, the pimple in the nose, because it can be hidden in the nose.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: I've got room for many pimples in my nose.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we're gonna we're gonna ask the judges because you modified that question a little bit.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: I did a little bit.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna ask the judges on that one, but we'll come back to that.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: But uh you hit me, hit me with my next one.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, your next one is would you rather poop in the only toilet at a party, knowing that you'll clog it up, or would you rather poop in the bushes in the backyard at the same party?
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_01: See, now if I had picked never going to the bathroom, which I think I did, didn't I?
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: I think so I so I don't really neither one of these would apply if that was the case.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: However, let's say they did.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: Let's say that question was a part of it.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I I'm really I'm I'm an indoor guy.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, okay, it would clog up the host's toilet at the party, but I would do it indoors and I would leave immediately.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'd run out the door.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_01: Hopefully, no one would know, and then I'd say, Oh, it wasn't me.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I I left, I wasn't here, right?
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: I was out the door.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and that's a really tough question because you can say it wasn't me either way.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: You could, right.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_01: If it's outside, you can say, Oh, I it's that neighbor's dog, yeah.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know, yeah, it could be anything, right?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: That's St.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: Bernard.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: St.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_01: Bernard's big neighbor's got a big dog, yeah.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's some dog, yeah.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_01: Here you go, Jeff.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: Would you rather have no body hair or no head hair, including eyebrows?
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_01: Now, you know, did you have a hand in these questions?
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because this is this is a this is a layup, this is a gimme.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, no head hair.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: So smart.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna come out so smart from you do have eyebrows, but that's about it.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_01: But I I even I literally clone comb my eyebrows as a comb over.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: They reach not very far, but you know, it it covers a little skin, you know.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think I would have to go with I would rather have no head hair because I have no head hair.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_01: So that's my answer again.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'd better spray it out well for that one because that can there is no other answer.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we're gonna see what the judges say about some of these questions, but anyway, so all right, hip.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: Are you ready for your fifth question?
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm ready.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, would you prefer to go through your whole life with one nostril or one ear?
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh, ooh, wow.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, you know, as much as I enjoy picking my nose, I'd have to say one nostril because we're in an audio business here, an audio medium.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_01: And if I only had one ear, I wouldn't have the surround sound effect here in the studio.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no, no, I can't have that.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_01: So I go with nostril.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_01: You are smart.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: That's a good answer.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: Glad I didn't have that question.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, oh yeah.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: That's a tough one.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because you know, my nostril.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I don't want to tell you how big it's I can see it from here, Jeff.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, but most people would say nostril for me because I only need one.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_01: You only need one, right?
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know, because it kind of covers all of it.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you get a load of this question, Jeff.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_01: Would you rather lose the ability to pee or lose the ability to poop?
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_01: Have you noticed in the judgment section there are a lot of questions about about toilet habits?
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's important to judgment somehow.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_01: We don't see, we don't really understand.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_01: We have to ask uh Vaginus and Paniski about that because I I'm not sure why, but it's important somehow.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: They're they are so important to me, Steve.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_01: Both of them are so important.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: I just don't know which one I would give up.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: Gosh, I think I would give up the P.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_01: I think the poop stands for something, I think it's substantial, it represents who you are.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_01: Whereas P, unless it's asparagus, it all looks the same, right?
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: But my P is anonymous, yes.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: P is anonymous.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's my answer.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you give me I don't feel good about that answer, Steve.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_01: You think this may be a problem?
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you give me more insight to bodily fluids than I ever really.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: Thought there was to have.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let me hip hip hit me with the next question there.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you know what?
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_01: This is a fucked up question.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_01: We should throw this one out.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like the hair ones for you?
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, right.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_01: Would you rather wake up in the morning to find everyone in your family naked?
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_01: Or would you rather wake up in the morning and find yourself naked in front of your family?
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_01: Come on.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I mean, I've done both.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: So I mean, I you know, I've done both, you know, several times, in fact.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: So you know, I don't know.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'd say maybe have the family naked in front of me is a little more entertaining.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, well, I don't I can't remember last time I saw your mom where she had clothes on.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean clothes in the sense that we think of clothes.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like like clothes.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like clothes.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: So uh like covering, yeah, no, yeah.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think that's kind of an obvious there.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_01: But uh okay.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_01: So, Jeff, Jeff, I got another one for you here.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_01: Would you rather lick your own dirty underwear or lick your own dirty socks?
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: So this is gonna sound hypocritical.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_01: I gave up the pee to keep the poop, but I gotta go with the dirty socks because that poop it leaves a mark that I just don't know if I I can handle putting anything.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: No, I yeah, I think socks.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, I gotta give up the socks.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_01: Socks is the way to go, yeah.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_01: Hit me with number seven here.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_01: Here's a good one.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_01: Steep, would you rather have all your teeth fall out or have your toenails fall off?
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's interesting.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: So I've I've I've lost a few teeth, but I I like chewing things.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_01: I like biting into steaks and chops and fingers and you know, I like chewing things.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_01: So I would have to say toenails because you can probably get those, you know, those nails you like you go to a beauty store, you get the the paste on nails.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_01: I mean they make them typically for fingernails, but you could probably get toenails, they probably make them, right?
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'll just get some fake nails and put those on.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_01: To just complete the circle of life thing here.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_01: When I was young, I was able to actually bite the toenails with my teeth.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_01: So I was very limber.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, just say you had a flexible youth.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_01: I did.
• 24:12
  unknown: I did.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_01: One could even call it he was and he was a nice guy, too.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_01: He was yeah, he was very flexible guy.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so okay, good answer.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: Jeff, I got a question for you now.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_01: Would you rather have a baby vomit on you or you vomit on a baby?
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, these are slam dunks.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'm vomiting on everybody.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I do.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_01: I kind of knew that was coming.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_01: And the best part is it's not like the baby can tell on me.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_01: I vomit on the baby and I blame it on the baby.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, look what the baby did, you know?
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: Completely.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: So I think that one was pretty easy.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_01: So I have one for you.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_01: Steve, would you rather have a hundred roaches in your pants or in your hair?
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know how I would answer that.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I yes, that'd be easy for you.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_01: At least I got a hair one.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I have some decent amount of hair for someone my age.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_01: You do.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a beautiful head of hair, but it's relatively, you know, sort of full, uh, sort of thin, full.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: If full is thin, then yeah, that's about what I got.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_01: I would have to say I'd rather have it in my pants.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_01: Because think about this.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_01: I can take off my pants.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's hard to take off your hair.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, some people can do it, but it's hard to take off your hair.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: Take your word for that.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_01: Would you rather have to use a public toilet when you've got diarrhea?
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_01: Again, they are so so much of the judgment is is based in like bodily habits here, but but I digress here.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_01: But would you rather have to use a public toilet when you've got diarrhea or have someone with diarrhea use your toilet?
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: I don't mind using public toilets when I have diarrhea, which is pretty much all the time.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_01: I just came back from Europe, Steve, and there were public toilets there that are never going to be used again.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_01: I heard there's at least one country that's considering severing diplomatic relations with the United States as a result of your trip there.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: There were there was a lot of flooding and horrible rains, and people were saying to me that they were glad that there was all that flooding because of the diarrhea that I left.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_01: In some of these toilets, it claimed it wash it off a little bit.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_01: It washed it off.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, so I definitely would rather diarrhea um in a public toilet.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_01: Getting into the home stretch here, Jeff.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_01: Steve, would you rather go a year with no hair or a year with no fingernails?
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: Again, this should be my question.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_01: Again, again, finally I get a hair one.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_01: This is kind of like the other one.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I already got the fake toenails.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't I just get two sets?
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'll get put some on the finger.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'll go with a year with no fingernails.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, easy, no problem.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: Because a year with no choice, you know.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm afraid of my age, if I really shave it off, it ain't coming back.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm saying?
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm not gonna do that.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, no, no, no.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_01: This is my last question, I think, right?
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_01: So it is.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_01: It is.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_01: Jeff, would you rather be constipated again?
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_01: Again.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you're right, you're right.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_01: Where did we get this test, Steve?
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_01: I I'm not sure.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_01: I you know, it was from the brush that the Brodskys, whatever their name was, but but would you rather be constipated every day for a year or be constantly farting every day for a year?
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_01: Jeff, I think you've done both.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_01: You're one end of the spectrum to the other with going from diarrhea to being constipated.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um although I guess they they kind of connect.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's a yin yet.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's a yinny, yeah, absolutely.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_01: Steve, I'm farting all the time already.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_01: So I think all the time.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_01: So um I think again, I think that's slam dung, and I'm feeling good about this test now.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_01: This is your last question.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_01: This is actually a pretty interesting one.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_01: Steve, would you rather be smart or popular?
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_01: Kind of a real question.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_01: A key question on an IQ test, right?
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_01: Well, the fact that I'm taking an IQ test and the fact that we do this show should really give people the answer because do I want to be popular?
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_01: Do I care what people think about me?
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: If I did, would we be doing this show?
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_01: No, of course not.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_01: So I'd rather be smart.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_01: Would you rather be smart by how many points?
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_01: Let me quickly score it here.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no, don't you want to know what world I don't even need a calculator for this one?
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_01: You did very well.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_01: I did, you did even better, a little better than on the other two sections.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_01: Got 149.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_01: I knew it.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_01: I knew I was doing good.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_01: So well now smarter than you, huh?
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I I did a little better too.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_01: I got 150.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_01: So you began?
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm actually like two points up.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_01: So remember I said the points are really big.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_01: The higher you go, and a 150, the points are really, really big.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_01: They are really big.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_01: Uh you know what?
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a good loser.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_01: Congratulations.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_01: Is there any chance that you may have seen these questions beforehand?
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_01: Well, Jeff, that just goes to show that I am in fact smarter.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_01: See you are.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we don't really have a guest to give any gifts to, but I think I'd like to see if maybe Johnny can tell the listeners a little bit about the show and just a little bit about why we do the some of the things we do and some of the and some of the fun that we do.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_01: So, Johnny, take us out of this show.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_01: Right, Steve?
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: Guests of the fabulous Steve and Jeff show stay at the antiquated yet hygienically challenged Harney Hotel, where the old meets the new and both are miserable.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's conveniently located just an Aaron Judge Homer from the county jail.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: Save when you share a room with a total stranger picked at random.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_00: The Harney Hotel.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: Your own home never looks so good.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: And members of Earth, the audience each receive a two-week supply of simumens, new from Pharmafruit.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: Just one little bill, and for two hours you'll have a fully functioning brain, maybe for the first time.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: Study a foreign language, learn calculus, solve logical problems that have baffled the greats for centuries.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: But be quick about it.
• 30:22
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• 30:25
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• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: Stunningly habit forming, it's Stimumens, new from Farmer Boots, makers of fine drugs like permeates.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, after the show, dine like a Brahmin at the new Deli inside the Micros Premier South Asian secondhand clothing store, Who's Starry Now.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: Feast on simulated ethnic delicacies and delicious Americanized food.
• 30:49
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• 30:54
  SPEAKER_00: Shop for some new staris while you're there, and you'll never care who wore them first.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: Who's Starry Now for Appropriation Station?
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: We took it all.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: This has been a brain part production in association with Cognito Media.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: Be sure and follow or subscribe to the Steven Jeff Show, whoever you listen to the podcast.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_00: Wait us a review while you did too.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: This is Jackie Speaker.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: Steve's mom and I never compete to see this starter.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: We decided that we would both just inspire each other.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: Steve's mom laughed right after she told me that, but I believed it.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: And today, she's going to let me prove that I can set a digital alarm all by myself, even after a cord of pop-up.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: I can't wait.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: Good day.