Latest / I Do, Part 2 / The Ex is Too Touchy-Feely. What Do I Do?

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The Ex is Too Touchy-Feely. What Do I Do? · I Do, Part 2

0:01
Speaker 1: One of our readers to our yachte column, Brenda. She
0:05
Speaker 1: wrote in, and she needs a little relationship advice.
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Speaker 2: Look, if you want to check out on Monday, we
0:11
Speaker 2: go through all of our advice what we thought about
0:14
Speaker 2: what Brenda should do dealing with a flirty, handsy ex
0:20
Speaker 2: wife who's also the grandma of her step grandchildren. So
0:24
Speaker 2: she doesn't have a problem with the kids, she has
0:26
Speaker 2: a problem with the ex wife, and so we gave
0:29
Speaker 2: our advice if you want to check out that podcast
0:32
Speaker 2: if you hadn't heard that episode. But this one is
0:35
Speaker 2: fun because this is what the readers, This is what
0:37
Speaker 2: you the listeners wrote in to comment on Brenda's situation
0:42
Speaker 2: and give her advice, and.
0:44
Speaker 1: I'll remind her what the situation was. Brenda did write
0:46
Speaker 1: into us Amy and TJ. My husband has grandchildren from
0:49
Speaker 1: a previous marriage, which isn't a problem. However, their grandmother, Betty,
0:53
Speaker 1: the ex wife, is always around. I've told him I
0:56
Speaker 1: can't teller her being there for things like their grandkids graduations.
1:00
Speaker 1: I can tolerate that, but not every time we get
1:03
Speaker 1: invited somewhere. For example, last weekend, we were at a
1:06
Speaker 1: birthday party for someone on his side of the family,
1:09
Speaker 1: her ex in laws. Why is she there? And every
1:12
Speaker 1: time they meet, Betty is hugging and kissing on my husband.
1:15
Speaker 1: She can't just say hi and move along. I've asked
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Speaker 1: him over and over to set boundaries, but he acts
1:21
Speaker 1: like he doesn't know what that means. I told him,
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Speaker 1: I'm not comfortable going to our next event if she'll
1:27
Speaker 1: be there, and he said, okay, I'm going anyway. Really,
1:30
Speaker 1: what do I do? Signed Brenda? Our advice was, Brenda,
1:34
Speaker 1: you got to have a conversation. This is a respect issue.
1:36
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a respect issue. And so William C said this,
1:40
Speaker 2: if Betty is being invited by his family to parties
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Speaker 2: and events, you can't dictate to the host who they
1:46
Speaker 2: can and cannot invite unless you're willing to accept the fallout.
1:50
Speaker 2: You can set boundaries with your husband, William C. That
1:53
Speaker 2: is exactly what you and I told Brenda.
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Speaker 1: Why did you start with that one? Like that's the
1:58
Speaker 1: best advice?
1:59
Speaker 2: Right? I thought that was good, it was sensible, It
2:01
Speaker 2: was very true, and William C, we completely agree with you.
2:05
Speaker 1: But you know, what's something key in there is that
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Speaker 1: if the family is inviting her, they want her around.
2:10
Speaker 1: That was a big part of everything we discussed. She's
2:13
Speaker 1: probably been in that family decades, right, so if they
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Speaker 1: invite her, okay, then I always told you there were
2:18
Speaker 1: two separate issues the X. Her being there is one thing.
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Speaker 1: Her touchy fee lee kissy is another thing.
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Speaker 2: Right, and that's where the husband can set a boundary
2:27
Speaker 2: one hundred percent all right. Veronica wrote in and said this,
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Speaker 2: Some people are just very hands on, no matter who
2:33
Speaker 2: it is, and some women can be deliberately trouble making
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Speaker 2: and enjoying the thought that they are causing anxiety in
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Speaker 2: other women. Veronica, I said the same thing. Those two
2:43
Speaker 2: facts seem to be apparent in this situation. Unfortunately, the
2:47
Speaker 2: guy sounds as though he enjoys the attention and probably
2:50
Speaker 2: tells himself his ex still fancies him, which is very
2:53
Speaker 2: good for his ego, so he will not easily give
2:56
Speaker 2: that up. Veronica, we said the exact same thing. I'm
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Speaker 2: really with your girl then too, when it annoys the
3:02
Speaker 2: other half enough to cause the ask to stop this behavior,
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Speaker 2: he then feels a little guilty because he knows what
3:07
Speaker 2: he's doing is questionable, so then he gets defensive, a
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Speaker 2: nasty state of affairs for the wife. A strong woman
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Speaker 2: might be able to counter this with some targeted barbes
3:17
Speaker 2: that put miss Nasty in her place, which is what
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Speaker 2: she really needs. But we are not all so good
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Speaker 2: at that. Things like this happen, and if it's occasional,
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Speaker 2: it's tolerable, but if it turns into something weekly or
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Speaker 2: even worse, then maybe removing the potential is the best fix.
3:32
Speaker 2: Stop going to places miss Nasty will be. Cultivate new
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Speaker 2: friend groups, hobbies, or whatever takes you away from that environment.
3:39
Speaker 1: Okay, I had a lot to say with the last part.
3:41
Speaker 1: Stop going to places where the ex will be. Can
3:45
Speaker 1: you do that? Yeah?
3:46
Speaker 2: Well, then you want to make where right, and then
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Speaker 2: you miss out. If you love his grandchildren and they
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Speaker 2: feel like family to you as well, then you're now
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Speaker 2: you're missing out on your family. So that's kind of
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Speaker 2: a tough that's a tough situation to be in where
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Speaker 2: you then take the back seat because you can't handle
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Speaker 2: being in the same room as the ex.
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Speaker 1: I would like to know how old Veronica is. Veronica
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Speaker 1: hit it all. She did, like because I told you
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Speaker 1: I didn't really understand where a woman's perspective, you immediately
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Speaker 1: went to she's probably toying with the current wife correct,
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Speaker 1: I do it. I never would have thought about it. Correct,
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Speaker 1: But then my mind went to, yeah, the guy's probably
4:20
Speaker 1: enjoying the bag of forth Veronica hit it.
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Speaker 2: All some stuff in a lite, Veronica, Veronica, thank you
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Speaker 2: for that. All right, We'll move on now to Jason.
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Speaker 2: Jason wrote in with this comment, I am friendly with
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Speaker 2: my ex wife. We were together twenty years, divorced for fifteen.
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Speaker 2: She is invited to all my family functions and I
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Speaker 2: to hers. We greet with a hug and a peck,
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Speaker 2: same as I greet my kids and my female friends.
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Speaker 2: My ex and I have never been intimate since divorcing.
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Speaker 2: It is clear we will never be back together. She
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Speaker 2: has brought partners to these gatherings, as have I. New
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Speaker 2: wife is insecure. While I respect her initial feelings, she
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Speaker 2: is not respectful of the established family dynamic. This is
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Speaker 2: her issue. So he's telling Brenda, it's your problem, it's
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Speaker 2: your fault, your insecure.
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Speaker 1: Okay. What I didn't hear from him in his scenario
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Speaker 1: was that he was married, and that his ex is
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Speaker 1: married and they're bringing their spouses to these events. They
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Speaker 1: say that we've brought dates like, I don't care.
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Speaker 2: I'm not dates are different.
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Speaker 1: That's totally different mindset. That's a good point was bringing
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Speaker 1: a date so I get what he's trying to stay there.
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Speaker 1: And you can have a great relationship with your ex
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Speaker 1: and you could hug a kiss and be friendly when
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Speaker 1: you meet and move on. But when you have a
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Speaker 1: spouse who has a problem with seeing that or you
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Speaker 1: doing that, then your priority is that how do you
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Speaker 1: want to You know, it's so important to me kiss
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Speaker 1: my ex, and I'm willing to upset my current spouse.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think you know we've said this before,
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Speaker 2: but this is about respect because different people feel differently,
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Speaker 2: like maybe a different spouse wouldn't care, but she does,
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Speaker 2: and so you have to give her at least that acknowledgment.
6:01
Speaker 2: She can work on feeling less insecure, she can work
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Speaker 2: on tolerating more, but he also needs to work on
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Speaker 2: understanding where her feelings are coming from. And honestly, it's
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Speaker 2: a sign of love if you if you don't really
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Speaker 2: like somebody or love somebody, you don't really care what
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Speaker 2: they're doing, the fact that she feels that strongly means
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Speaker 2: she has strong feelings for her husband too.
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Speaker 1: I hate to sign this as a matter of her
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Speaker 1: being insecure. I don't care how strong and secure you
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Speaker 1: are and who you are what you do. Nobody wants
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Speaker 1: to watch their spouse be intimate to a certain degree
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Speaker 1: with the person they used to be married to. That
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Speaker 1: is not just insecurity. Well you can't handle No, I
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Speaker 1: can't handle my current wife watching her over there kiss
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Speaker 1: her ex husband.
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Speaker 2: No, that's tough.
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Speaker 1: Call me in.
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Speaker 2: I think it's a problem for most people. I think
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Speaker 2: it would be for sure. Yes, people are putting their
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Speaker 2: own perspectives and their own feelings into it. But yes,
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Speaker 2: I'm trying to step into Brenda's shoes and imagine what
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Speaker 2: that would be like. Okay, next, we have Coco Mike
7:04
Speaker 2: thirty five years Oh, Coco Mile, sorry, thirty five years
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Speaker 2: into a marriage. Here, this is what Coco Miles says
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Speaker 2: to Brenda. You married a man with grandchildren. Asking him
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Speaker 2: to stop seeing them is ridiculously immature and selfish, and
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Speaker 2: for you not to go, you will become Grandpa's crazy
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Speaker 2: new wife, and the whole family will resent you if
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Speaker 2: you start needing a separate event for the two of you.
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Speaker 2: I see it happen all the time. The ex still
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Speaker 2: hugs and fusses over him, does she hug and fuss
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Speaker 2: over you. Maybe that's just how she is. Brenda didn't
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Speaker 2: say she did so. I feel like she would have
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Speaker 2: included that if that were the case, he says, so,
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Speaker 2: Coco Miles says the I don't see it as the
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Speaker 2: man liking the attention. If that's so, he is as
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Speaker 2: immature as the ex is. I think it is totally
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Speaker 2: the ex showing she still has some kind of dominance.
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Speaker 2: I agree with you. I would lay down some ground
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Speaker 2: rules for sure, and if he continues to ignore you,
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Speaker 2: I would consider leave.
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Speaker 1: This is from a woman, right, I can't.
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Speaker 2: Tell Coco Mile, it seems like it's a woman because
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Speaker 2: she picked up too that the ex is trying to
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Speaker 2: show some kind of dominance.
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Speaker 1: You said something there at the bottom that got my
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Speaker 1: attention ground rules. Doesn't see it as him liking at
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Speaker 1: tension this I does. She also hug and fuss over you.
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Speaker 1: Maybe that's just how she is. We're trying to break down.
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Speaker 1: We don't know enough about this. It's one thing if
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Speaker 1: you see two people greet and they hug.
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Speaker 2: But she said he doesn't move on. She doesn't move on,
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Speaker 2: she's lingers, she stays kiss. That's fine.
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Speaker 1: I would even say, for his sake, cut that out
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Speaker 1: in front of your wife. Yeah, not the end of
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Speaker 1: the world, but even something that minor, that's not necessary.
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Speaker 1: Even a little hug, a half hug.
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Speaker 2: You can do a side hug.
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Speaker 1: The side hug in front of your wife.
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Speaker 2: Yes, And I think you could lay down that ground
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Speaker 2: rule and say, hey, can we try this. It's going
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Speaker 2: to make me feel better, it's going to make me
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Speaker 2: more comfortable, and see if he would accept that boundary.
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Speaker 1: That ground rule with the relationship is that the woman
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Speaker 1: is going to feel Why in God's name do I
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Speaker 1: have to give you ground rules about how to behave
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Speaker 1: in front of me with someone you were once married.
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Speaker 2: And that is why At the end, our reader tells
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Speaker 2: Brenda that she should consider leaving. Oh my goodness, all right,
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Speaker 2: So this one made me laugh so hard. Matt wrote
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Speaker 2: this in Yeah, I don't get this thing. My wife
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Speaker 2: and I are both from good old fashioned, destroyed marriages,
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Speaker 2: and our parents still can't be in the same room
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Speaker 2: together forty years later. Then there are our fellow millennials
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Speaker 2: who are all still friends, hanging out with their exes,
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Speaker 2: sitting together at kids' sporting events. I know divorce people
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Speaker 2: who babysit each other's kids from the new marriages. It's
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Speaker 2: just utterly buzz are I like the old way better?
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Speaker 2: This modern divorce leaves me feeling like these people didn't
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Speaker 2: try hard enough to make it work.
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Speaker 1: Thank you for that, Matt. I like that, Like it's
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Speaker 1: not it was a little funny, but it was. I
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Speaker 1: think he nailed the way. A lot of people think
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Speaker 1: it's okay to look at this and say that it's
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Speaker 1: not okay, it's not how.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, he prefers it when people who are divorce can't
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Speaker 2: stand to be in the same room as each other,
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Speaker 2: because that's what's familiar to him. He knows how that
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Speaker 2: works when it should be.
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Speaker 1: We've seen some scenarios like that before, where the exes
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Speaker 1: and things and people get along. I don't think that's
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Speaker 1: what we're talking about here, is that we're not just
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Speaker 1: talking about getting along and being a part of a family.
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Speaker 1: This is specific to not just her being there, but
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Speaker 1: the behavior when she's there.
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Speaker 2: Correct, yes, it's and it's how she acts when she's there,
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Speaker 2: and the fact that she's always there, like she doesn't
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Speaker 2: miss one of her ex ex's family's gatherings, and so
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Speaker 2: it's annoying to her that every time his family has anything,
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Speaker 2: the ex is there.
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Speaker 1: Okay, we got a couple more to give you here.
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Speaker 1: From one was from a guy who said that Brenda,
10:59
Speaker 1: you should only be taking advice from men on this one,
11:04
Speaker 1: and then another from a lady who told me and
11:08
Speaker 1: Roebock that we gave Brenda some bad advice.
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Speaker 2: Welcome back to this edition of Amy and TJ, where
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Speaker 2: we are reading our reader's comments, their advice, Your advice
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Speaker 2: to Brenda, who wants to know what she's supposed to
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Speaker 2: do with her husband's ex wife, whose flirty, clingy kisses him,
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Speaker 2: hugged all over him, and is always at every single event,
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Speaker 2: even though it's not even her family anymore. So Nina
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Speaker 2: two point zero came at us when she left her comment,
11:49
Speaker 2: and we'll read it because she told us, Wow, bad advice.
11:53
Speaker 2: The advice should have been grow up. They are divorced
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Speaker 2: and he married you. They were a family once. Get
12:00
Speaker 2: over it. I have a great relationship with X, and
12:03
Speaker 2: yes I'm at family parties and he's at mine. We
12:07
Speaker 2: have kids. That means we all get along and act
12:10
Speaker 2: like a large family instead of a single unit. So
12:13
Speaker 2: Nina thinks that Brenda needs to grow up and get
12:16
Speaker 2: over it.
12:17
Speaker 1: I like, and this is where and I'm no, I
12:20
Speaker 1: always appreciate everybody writing in and this is where we
12:22
Speaker 1: try to do better with our discussions and in us
12:27
Speaker 1: giving people advice. The first thing you have to start
12:29
Speaker 1: with is not judge. Don't judge her for the how
12:32
Speaker 1: she feels and what she's going through. And this one
12:34
Speaker 1: just feels judgy. To tell somebody just grow up. It
12:38
Speaker 1: sounds so simple, and I've had to back off sometimes
12:40
Speaker 1: on these things. And I've had specifically women tell me
12:44
Speaker 1: this because sometimes I ask for advice and I'm saying, well,
12:46
Speaker 1: you have to have the confidence to just go it's
12:48
Speaker 1: okay to just da da da, And you say, you
12:50
Speaker 1: say it like it's so simple, but just some people
12:52
Speaker 1: are different and I don't have that confidence. And I'm
12:54
Speaker 1: working to do that. Yes, what the solution is simple,
12:57
Speaker 1: doing it is still hard. And to tell tell somebody
13:00
Speaker 1: in this position, who's I don't know what this woman
13:02
Speaker 1: has gone through, Brenda, with this marriage and even accepting
13:07
Speaker 1: the whole family, and it's been a lot, and tell
13:09
Speaker 1: her just grow up seems a little dismissed, seems.
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Speaker 2: A little judging, and just because you have a great
13:15
Speaker 2: relationship with your ex, that doesn't mean that that's the
13:17
Speaker 2: same for everybody. There are so many unique specific things
13:20
Speaker 2: to each relationship and how each relationship ends and how
13:23
Speaker 2: you figure it out going forward. I do think that
13:26
Speaker 2: you have to honor how you feel, and maybe you
13:28
Speaker 2: sit with yourself and you ask yourself, why am I
13:31
Speaker 2: feeling this way, and really really ask yourself, Could I
13:34
Speaker 2: do something different? Can I make some sort of place
13:38
Speaker 2: or space in my heart for what their relationship was
13:42
Speaker 2: and is and not feel threatened by it? But if
13:44
Speaker 2: the answer is no, every time I see it, this
13:47
Speaker 2: is happening, like also understand that that might be a
13:49
Speaker 2: reasonable reaction. You know, we don't know what she's seen
13:53
Speaker 2: and what she's witnessed, so I just think, yeah, it's
13:55
Speaker 2: she can check herself and ask herself and really sit
13:58
Speaker 2: with it. But then at the end of the day,
13:59
Speaker 2: you kind of have to honor how you feel.
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Speaker 1: I just wanted to make sure we're now I've seen
14:04
Speaker 1: X situations be good before. Our guy, doctor Gardier, he
14:08
Speaker 1: talked about his family situation and how all the exes
14:11
Speaker 1: and everybody's hanging out. That's great, that is great, great, great,
14:16
Speaker 1: this is something else. This is something else when you're
14:19
Speaker 1: talking about not just the family mingling together. The ex
14:23
Speaker 1: sounds like she is doing too much physically and the
14:27
Speaker 1: husband is allowing it.
14:29
Speaker 2: Agree.
14:29
Speaker 1: So that's what I'm trying to keep the focus on
14:32
Speaker 1: what we should be solving it.
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Speaker 2: All right, Paul writes in this is our last comment,
14:36
Speaker 2: and Paul is very confident in his response. He says,
14:39
Speaker 2: this is an instance where you need a guy's advice, Brenda.
14:43
Speaker 2: The solution here is risky, brutal, but simple. Without saying anything.
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Speaker 2: Start inviting one of your ex boyfriends to gatherings. Make
14:53
Speaker 2: sure he knows it's an ex. Gauge his reaction the
14:56
Speaker 2: second time it happens, not the first time. If he's Nonchalantabou,
15:00
Speaker 2: I hate to break it to you, but very likely
15:02
Speaker 2: he has something on the side, or he may even
15:04
Speaker 2: be dealing with his X on the side. Either that
15:06
Speaker 2: or he is socially inept. Neither case is a win
15:09
Speaker 2: for you. Any man worth staying with is also able
15:12
Speaker 2: to tolerate direct confrontation on deal breaker issues. This is
15:16
Speaker 2: not high school, this is your life, So confront him
15:19
Speaker 2: directly when your heart feels stilled enough to take a hit.
15:22
Speaker 2: If that scares you, you've already answered your own question.
15:25
Speaker 1: Like it, you like it. I wouldn't have is that
15:29
Speaker 1: some of that are at the top. I wasn't necessarily
15:31
Speaker 1: on board with.
15:32
Speaker 2: What I inviting one of your ex boyfriends.
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Speaker 1: That's hilarious, that's kind of funny. But it's very difficult
15:39
Speaker 1: to put somebody in that scenario. To you, how often
15:42
Speaker 1: folks said in an argument, reverse the roles.
15:45
Speaker 2: Oftentimes the best response is a direct question with and
15:50
Speaker 2: then you just have to be prepared for the answer.
15:53
Speaker 2: You might not like it, but at least you'll have one.
15:55
Speaker 1: Don't force them, don't scold them, don't ultimate it. Just
15:58
Speaker 1: ask a question, we get an answer, and then we'll
16:01
Speaker 1: have something to go on.
16:02
Speaker 2: I like that, But I liked our readers' comments were very,
16:06
Speaker 2: very colorful, and we always appreciate reading them. We always
16:09
Speaker 2: appreciate you listening, so please check out the column Yahoo
16:12
Speaker 2: Life section ask Amy and TJ. But in the meantime,
16:15
Speaker 2: we want to thank you for listening to us. I'm
16:17
Speaker 2: Amy Robach alongside my partner TJ. Holmes. Have a great day, everybody,