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Why Parents Neglected Our Birthdays · Nurtural Disasters

• Lisa: Hello and welcome to Nurtural Disasters. This is a podcast for those of us with toxic or emotionally immature parents. We might not have a bunch of credentials next to our names, but we do have PhDs from the Hard Knocks University. Basically, we want this to be a validating space for adult children of parents who had no business having children. ⁓ Ken: Welcome to Nurtural Disasters with Ken and Lisa. Hey Lisa. Lisa: Hey Ken. it's a holiday today. Yep. It's a Ken: Is it? I didn't get a day off. Lisa: well you should have because it's World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day. Ken: That can't be real. Lisa: It's W N A A D Woodnad. Woodnad. And Ken: my god. Lisa: it literally in parentheses it's like wooden ad. I'm like, okay. Ken: So do you get a you get a free like narcissist on this day or 'cause other days you know you get a free donut for donut days, so Lisa: Yeah. Well, you know when like National Donut Day, you go to Krispy Kreme or Dunkin' and you get like, here's your free donut. No, no, you know what we get? W a video. A v Ken: Video. Lisa: yeah, a video from like a mental health professional. Today's National World Narcissistic Abuse Day. So we're giving awareness. They're basically like, Great, yeah, we got a video. Thanks. But I I would prefer if it was like here, get a free massage to soothe your nervous system that's been fucked up for like ever. Or free therapy. Or like I mean at the very least like a free cocktail, right? Ken: Yeah, free cocktail. some here's some boost to numb the pain. Lisa: earned it. Yeah. We've earned it. Let's be real. Ken: So what about it? why did you bring that up, Lisa? Lisa: It cause it like all over my social media. It's like World Narcissistic Day and as ch Ken: It's like the opposite of what my social media is. Like people did not know that was a thing. Lisa: Well, I follow a bunch of mental healthy like it was Dr. Ramani had a video, which is really nice. Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: a few other people, but yeah, it's not a fun holiday, you know? But even if it's like like National Pizza Day still nobody knows about it 'cause they're made up. They're all made up. ⁓ So ⁓ yeah. Ken: They're all made up, yeah. Unless you get a day off or they give you like a free snack, it's just it's made up. Lisa: Yeah. it's for free food. That's Yeah, right? Ken: It's it's really is like a free food kind of thing, right? Like people yeah if you give anybody free food, it's that kind of day. honestly people really like free food. That's Lisa: I do too. it freeze Ken: yeah, that's how I that's how I got into Bible study 'cause of free food. Lisa: ⁓ you know free my favorite number? ⁓ Ken: I know. Lisa: Yeah. ⁓ Ken: How how much does that cost? Free dollars. Lisa: Frida Frida I don't know. So yeah, so now that you know June first is World National Narcissus Abuse Awareness Day thing. so but it's funny 'cause we're recording on the first. By the time it comes out in two weeks it'll be what, your birthday? Ken: Yay. Lisa: Yeah, yeah twenty one Ken: Yeah, it's only one I wish. Lisa: Same. Ken: Yeah, so this is a nice segue into the episode's topic is gonna be about birthdays. Right, Lisa? Lisa: ⁓ Yeah. And how wonderful it is to have birthdays when you have ⁓ a narcissistic. parent Ken: Yeah, here's the thing about the narcissistic parents it's an odd kind of dynamic, if you're kids of a narcissistic parent. I think even Dr. Ramani kind of discussed it a little bit. But yeah, a lot of it it that she talks about is more about at least the ones I I've I've read about that sh she pretty much stated like how a narcissist would view their own birthday, right? Pretty much it's a matter of them being the center of attention. So if it's their birthday, they would of course want to demand certain things to give them the ability to be the center of attention. But what happens when let's say they're the parent and they're have to do that for their child? that's the interesting thing that comes up. Because it's hard to explain my situation with my parents. It's a really odd situation. I think I've left nuggets out there about just how my birthdays were growing up. I think if anybody that's been listening to the show know that for me it's like a very sensitive topic. any time around my birthday, it's like a time for dread. For other people, it's a time for celebration. I know some people As they get older, they don't really view it as really exciting anymore. for me, it's like a double edged sword. It's a time for me to celebrate, but for me it's also I dread what is associated with it. I'm not sure if that's the same for you, Lisa, knowing that you have a narcissist mother. We've never talked about how your birthdays were when you were growing up. So if you could elaborate about that, that'd be great. So, Lisa, how was your birthdays growing up? Lisa: Yeah. Not great. I don't remember ever being celebrated really. It's funny. The worst one. And I think I told you about this, Ken, because it I was actually really pissed about it when I was like talking to you. I was like getting really mad because so I think I was probably twenty and at that time, so that was only like last year. So just kidding. Okay, maybe it was a decade ago. But whatever. so my mom was with her partner at the time. And we were at a hotel 'cause we were like in the south of Arizona. Anyway, so I guess it was the day before my birthday and he decided to go to a bar, get drunk, and then come back and start puking on the carpet. It's like, and he in between every puke, like every expulsion, he would say, I'm dying. Like loud, you know? And I'm like, this is like three in the morning. And I'm like, great. 'Cause he's like, I'm dying. And then like I guess he wanted me to like clean up his puke. So I was like, I just flat out said I was pissed that I was like, It's my birthday. And you know what he said? He was like Ken: What? Lisa: he's like, happy birthday. B I mean like I was Yeah, it was like a metaphor for my life. I was Ken: he told you to clean up his puke. Lisa: Yeah, it's very entitled. I I guess later he was diagnosed with sociopathy or something. So anyway. yeah, this before he went to jail. But he was committing fraud. I guess he work at banks and then like fake checks. I don't know. It was like his whole thing. that was like the the worst one. And when it when I was telling you about it, I was getting pissed because if it were me, right? And if I knew like my partner had or somebody close to them was having a birthday, I would go all out. I wouldn't be go out drinking on their day and come back drunk. I would make sure they would be treated like royalty, You know, because it's just me. I'm that type of person, you know, I'm a generous person. So I never would have thinked to do that to somebody. And so that's why last year for my birthday, you know, because it was like a bit of a milestone. It's like I purposely went to Mexico and I like I celebrated with family and we were in Guadalajara and we celebrated there. got an Airbnb and then we took a shuttle to the town of Tequila and then excuse me, sorry. Ken: Are you drinking the tequila right now? Lisa: No. Sorry, it's just bubbly water makes me burpee and hiccupy. Ken: that but that but you just mentioned tequila. You should have been like, I'm drinking tequila. There you go. Lisa: Yeah. Okay, I'll I'll just lie. I'm drinking tequila. Ken: excellent. Lisa: yeah, Virgin tequila. so it took a shuttle to the town of tequila, which is right outside of the city, and then did like tequila tastings and it was such a nice time and I'm like, This is what my birthday should have been. You know, like I'm celebrating myself. Like I'm kinda s switching the narrative because, you know, we're used to having shitty, birthdays and stuff. It's it's all about them. You know, our parents are so self-involved that they just make it about them. Whether it's intentional or not, they don't realize it's very frustrating. So I'm changing the narrative and I'm making it about me. You know, I didn't have like a big blowout this year, but what's fine. You know, I had fun. As long as I'm with good people and I know your birthday's coming up and I will take you out like I did last year. We had like a really nice time. you know, we went to this one of our our favorite restaurants and the best mac and cheese. Fuck. I love it. Ken: They do. They do. Lisa: my god, it's the best. So hey, w if we could go back there, you know, I'll I'll take you out. Like that's the type of person I am. anyway, Ken, I'm sure you have tons of stories too. Ken: Well, I actually I wanna ask more about that. So growing up, did your mom or whatever partners that were there, or maybe even your dad, did they try to set up like birthday parties for you? Or was that like a non thing? Lisa: You know, there were birthday parties when I was growing up in Mexico because okay, so yeah, my parents when they split when I was really young, so when I was in Mexico, like in the weekends I would have with my dad, and then during the week I was with my mom. we lived with my grandmother and stuff. So I think 'cause I lived in a multi generational home. I think my grandmother might have like made cakes and stuff and so there were people and then my dad would have his own thing do his own thing with his friends. But once we came to the States, my mum I don't think she takes the initiative to be like I'm gonna celebrate somebody, so it'd be like, we'll just go out to dinner or something. Like it wasn't a celebration, maybe something like that, but it wasn't horrible like until like some of them were Horrible. Like the normal ones were like, okay, we went out to Denny's. I got my free breakfast or whatever. They don't have your birthday, they give you a free Denny's Ken: Yeah, yeah, yeah, they d they do. Lisa: or I help, yeah. Like that sort of thing. Like, okay, it's cool. I mean, it's chill. But But there's been like horrible ones where it was just like they just like ruin it. That was like the one on my 20-year-old list, probably one of the more egregious ones for sure. Ken: So so pretty much nope not really a party once you move to the US. I'm I'm assuming your grandma's Lisa: No. Ken: the one that kinda took initiative with that. since your her granddaughter, yeah, kids love birthdays, right? So you she Lisa: You know, weird. She d she didn't even like me. but she was a cook of the house and like a baker, I Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: guess she I guess she would make a cake. Like f from scratch, you know, type of thing. Ken: I think even it's because of her grandkid, right? It's still s you're still her grandkid, even though it's not like the best of relationshi Yeah. At least they at least attempt, right? I'm assuming Lisa: It's out of obligation. Yeah. Yeah. Ken: since your mom is a terrible cook that she can't possibly bake you a cake, does she buy Lisa: I Ken: you a cake at least? Lisa: I'm I'm thinking. No Ken: Try to pick. See that's like that's like man. You try to see is like was there a cake? Lisa: That's a good question. I I don't know. You know girl I think I remember I made cakes, but it wasn't like just for her birthday, but it like, you the Betty Crocker stuff from the box. Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: I like I made that at home just because I I just liked cake. I just you know, just to eat. like my mom's never baked anything that I no, no, never. Ken: Hi it's probably not a bad thing that sh she d she didn't bake anything. my gosh. Lisa: my god. my god. Can you imagine that disaster? It would look an there's like that there's a website like Cake Wrecks Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: It's literally just a blog of like the ugliest looking cakes in the world and you just go ⁓ I mean if you're ever bored, is it Cake Rex, ⁓ the yeah, that would be like my mom would probably win. She'd probably break the internet if she had to make a cake. ⁓ Ken: My my my imagination thinking it's probably gonna be a cake, but the center's like all liquefied because it didn't set. Because Lisa: Yeah. Ken: it's like the ingredients aren't set properly, and the center is like just just like watery. It's like here's your cake. So it's like it's like a it's like a you know, like those ch clam chowder bowls with the with the bread, the bread bowl. So at the center is all like liquefied. Lisa: The bread Ken: I I bet you that's like if she actually tried a billy b bake a cake. Lisa: Yeah. Ken: Just based on what you told me, it's like that's probably gonna be what's gonna be the cake, right? It's gonna be like bread bowl. It's like, we're having Lisa: Yeah, 'cause yeah. She Ken: clam chowder today. It's like that's your cake. Lisa: we is this covenant chowder? No, that's your cake. Ken: Yeah, the cake's not supposed to be liquid in the center, you know. It didn't set. Lisa: And yeah. Well she doesn't she doesn't know how to read. So like she doesn't read English, so she wouldn't read the instructions. Ken: And even so, like some people have a feel, right? Like there's a lot of people, Lisa: yeah. Ken: especially like, Mexican mothers, they don't have recipe books. It's kind of a feel. It's like it's an inherent feel. Like it's mm-hmm. Lisa: Yeah, my grandma's like that. It's it's instinctual. Ken: I think it's from years of honing it, I added too much of this last time. And then ask throughout Lisa: Mm-hmm. Ken: the years, you're Usually the guinea pig, if you're the kid and the family, you're the guinea pig. So as their cooking improves, you reap the benefits. But unfortunately for your mom, that never happened. Lisa: No hell no. She's i I carry Ken: That that is that is a bummer. That could be why you know how sometimes like you I I'm horrible at remembering birthdays and you would tell me it's like, yeah, I just had a birthday. I'm like, I'm so sorry. Lisa: you know what? I mean I don't remember people's birthday unless like I'm super close to them. So there's like I just cheat. You know, just on Facebook you get that notification Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: like, shit, someone's birthday. happy birthday. Ken: Honestly nobody honest honestly now nobody remembers anybody's birthday. It's like the Lisa: Yeah. Ken: I think as a person you have to remember your spouse's birthday. And Lisa: Your kids. Ken: yeah, kids, yeah, kid and your kids. It's very important that you remember your kids' birthday. And yeah. Lisa: yeah, that's another thing. My mom forgets my birthday. I think I talked about this. But like forgets the actual birthday day. So she's telling me it's the day before and she'll argue with me that it's this day before and I was like, No. Like, were you there, idiot? At least you get the month right. Fuck. Ken: it is it a matter of just like she's just careless and she doesn't bother even acknowledging it? Yeah. Lisa: Yeah. Carelessness Whatever. yeah. it's it's okay 'cause I've forgotten what, how many birthdays of hers and ever after I went in all contact, I purposely went, I was like it was her birthday? it was? whatever. Ken: she does she try to contact you or does she ha even have your like contact anymore? Lisa: she's blocked. Ken: sh okay. Lisa: It but I think she built she has like these new profiles because it'll pop up like friend suggestion and it's like a variation of her name, but it's obviously her, and like she's friended mutual people, like mutual family members, so you it's obviously her. And I'm like, Okay, you're getting blocked. like a variation of it, like and then I look and it's like you see all the people you blocked? It was Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: like variation number eight. Of that I've that I blocked. And then she has like her flying monkeys. like my aunt her who's her twin sister who lives in the States too, will s randomly send me pictures of like baby pictures of me or that I was younger. But I know my mom's behind it. I'm not that okay. Ken: I just w I just wonder, 'cause I I'm not sure if I asked you this about your aunt. Does she have any kind of like narcissistic tendencies like your mom since they're twins? Lisa: yeah, they're both narcissists. Ken: to the bad degree as your mom, or just like Slightly different, worse. Lisa: You know what? You know what everyone calls her? They call her my mom's puppet. They literally sh they call her the puppet because she's just it's like she has no a mind of her own. it's like, dude, do you have a fucking mind of your own? Do you like just do everything she tells you to do? Yeah. Ken: Well, you know how it is, you know. Actually I I was when you said puppet, I was thinking it was like, your mom stick sticks her hand up like your aunt's ass and like starts talking and was like, Hello Lisa: Hello. Ken: Hello there I was like, nah, this episode's probably not gonna be non explicit, I guess. Lisa: Yeah, yeah. We ruined that. We keep ruining every fucking episode. It's like, wait. Ken: Have you ha have I told you it like pretty much averages like a dozen F words and a dozen like S words like consistently? Lisa: And it's funny how you say like F word. You don't even say fuck. You just say like F word. Might as well, yeah. Ken: I might as well just say fuck. It's like used your go to you I I just realized your go to word is fuck and my go to word is shit. Lisa: Okay. Well, we already fucked it up, so Yeah. Ken: Well, I'm pretty I'm pretty sure like children aren't supposed to listen to this podcast. If they somehow listen to this podcast Goodness, you're not supposed to listen to this podcast. Lisa: You know I I what look kids today with the internet they've seen like the craziest shit No it's my trying to say the word shit but like they have the it they've seen some of the nastiest, most depraved stuff. So to them what's like what's an S word? What's an F word? To them it's like Ken: I don't know. That might be the actually the little part of it. Like if they actually understand what we're talking about, you could call this psychological horror. But we're this podcast is psychological horror. I'm I'm gonna find the genre. I'm gonna put this in the horror section. Yeah. Cause it's pretty scary the stuff. Lisa: Okay, yeah, an horror. Ken: Yeah. some people actually have told me that it's yeah, told you too that it's a little too it's hard to get through. Even with the levity, that Lisa: Yeah. Ken: it's hard to get through. It's like it's like Lisa: Yeah. Ken: watch it's like watching someone get beaten. Lisa: Yeah, that people j I Ken: Emotionally. Lisa: I even had a friend tell me it's like I've I've taken a break from the podcast because there's so much negativity in the world and it just brings me down and it just feels so negative. And I'm like, I get that. Because it's it's not for everybody too, even like Ken: It's not. Lisa: I mean she ha she had a really nice mom who was like she loved to death and can't relate. Ken: I know, can't relate. That's probably why. Lisa: And but she she's Picked it up again and she's been like talking to me about it. She's like she loved the Michael Jackson episode, by the way. The first one. Loved it. Ken: great, great, great. anybody that hasn't listened to part one and part two of Michael Jackson's episodes, please go listen to that now. How's that for a plug? Lisa: Yeah. Well yeah, the part two will be by the time this airs, yeah, part two will already be out and so Ken, so what are your horror stories? Speaking of the horror genre. Ken: You know there's a lot of horror with my birthday. this is why I brought up the episode idea to you. For me, it's you know what sucks for me? It's like the happiest day of the year and the worst day of the year. So anybody that's known me for a while, at least seen me as like a older, young adult or probably in my twenties or even in my thirties. They realize for me, like my birthday is it's very I don't even know what the word for it is. It's like a a day that I'm hopeful that I get to celebrate, but it's a day that I also see as, this is a day that probably gets set up for disappointment. And Lisa: Mm. Ken: and it's really it stems from I think my parents just never celebrating my birthday or going out of their way to celebrate my birthday. I think we were joking before Lisa that it's like are parents like Jehovah's Witnesses? If anybody doesn't know Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate like birthdays and like major holidays like that. So so it's probably like Michael Jackson, it's like he probably didn't celebrate Lisa: Probably like Ken: birthdays. yeah, because that's not a thing. in their belief system, like that kind of ceremony is not a thing that's practiced. Lisa: Yeah, we should have just been Jehovah's Witnesses 'cause it's just like might as might as well have it. Yeah. Ken: It might as well has been at least it'd been a good excuse, right? It's like, we don't need to celebrate worldly ceremony. We just you know, Jehovah's Witnesses. But yeah, it wasn't like that. It's it was Lisa: Yeah. Did you get presents? Ken: Huh? Lisa: did your parents like give you presents at least or anything or? Ken: You know what? At least they kinda gave me presents. so I might as well bring up the first birthday that I could remember. I was at my aunt's house and every birthday since I could remember, my parents would always celebrate my birthday with my cousin because she was born nearly like a entire calendar year. she's her birthday's like two days before mine. she's born exactly like a year after. so the thing is our families will always celebrate it together. when our families were like on good terms. there has been falling out with some family members, so we don't do those kind of family reunions anymore. And since like most of my dad's side of the family kind of lives in the area, Everybody was there. but the thing is, I realized at a very young age that if my cousin celebrated her party like anywhere that's not in the vicinity of me, like let's say she's celebrating with her other side of her family, like I don't get a birthday party. That's pretty much what I realized. And I think the first birthday I remember, I think I was like three or four years old. And ironically, I live on the same street that of that birthday party. my aunt used to live on the other side of the hill, on the same street that I'm living on right now. I remember one really vivid memory. we were passing out gifts and we were opening things, and I remember being three or four years old and saying, Hey, how come she has more more gifts than me? Like I was referring to my cousin. My cousin had more gifts than me and everybody started laughing. It was like really you know, things that kids say, right? Lisa: Mm. Ken: But the thing is, what I remembered is you know how when you're a kid and when you're growing up, you have very segmented memories. you don't you don't have usually very vivid memories of a whole block. It's like segments of like things that you could play piece together. next thing I remember it was that I was in my dad's car in the backseat with my sister, and then my dad and my mom were getting mad at me before saying that my cousin had more. Gifts at me because it's so embarrassing. It's like we didn't teach you anything. you're not supposed to say that. And they were getting really frustrated with me. And I'm like, I didn't know what to say because I was like a little kid, and my sister's like, Well, he's three or four years old. He doesn't know anything, he's telling the truth. And my parents are like, Lisa: Mm-hmm. Ken: That's still not okay. And that's really after that, like I just like, you know, like the camera just shut off in my head, and I'm like, okay. And Lisa: Yeah. Well, how dare you make them look bad and cheap? It's your fault, I'm su huh. Ken: Well, it's not that. It's like the I guess it's very important, especially in Asian culture, to have your kids kind of not say anything and have manners, right? Like to say anything in public that yeah, it's such a manner-based kind of thing that if you have manners, it looks good on your parents that they taught you well. It's so I know it's like a it's like a thing that's ingrained in you if you're like Asian. An Asian American, your parents pretty much kind of like beat it out of you for lack of a better term. Lisa: Mm-hmm. Ken: So if you say something like that in front of everybody, their aunts and uncles, it looks badly upon them. That, yeah, me as a parent didn't teach you not to say that. So it's so embarrassing for us. People are I think we're terrible parents. And that's really what their thought process is. Lisa: are your parents really cheap too? Didn't she tell me? Ken: kind of. you know what's funny? Cause remember I told you I was with my dad this past weekend and my dad was you know it for me it's always horrible for me. Like I hate hanging out with my dad. it's like pulling teeth. And I swear he just brought up like a story about one of his high school friends. And he was saying how she spent all this time, before her husband passed away, that they were just going everywhere and having vacations and stuff like that and not saving their money and not being sensible. And I'm like, wait, isn't that what you're supposed to do with money? I didn't say that out loud, but I'm like, this is Lisa: Mm. Ken: the thought process of man that saves and hoards all his money and doesn't use it for anything fun. Like he doesn't go on vacation, he doesn't buy himself anything nice. He just pretty much everything is just save, save, save, and that's pretty much the end goal. Lisa: Okay. Ken: but the problem is that like he he views people that spend money even for like stuff you know going on vacation which people should do as a waste of money. So this is a thought process of a man that's like, Lisa: Mm. Ken: yeah, I don't understand why people go to concerts. I don't know why people go to like sporting events, I don't know why people go on a plane Lisa: Yeah. Ken: to another country and have fun and take pictures and stuff. He does he doesn't Lisa: Yeah. Ken: understand that. It's it's it's really hard to explain, but it's it's really like he has no ambition to do that, which makes sense because he was he was kind of like a war refugee. So this is like the first place that he stayed at that he could just plant his seeds and just not worry about anything, right? It's I I've I've talked about this with like multiple therapists and I wonder is it like a trauma response or PTSD to living in wartime? Mm-hmm. Lisa: Yeah, that sounds like it though, but he was it the Vietnam War? Ken: Yeah, so Lisa: Okay. Ken: So if anybody knows anything about that Southeast Asian history during that time, like during the fifties and sixties, it was pretty much a war like next to a war. in Vietnam they were fighting a a civil war. in Cambodia it was Pretty much genocide that was happening in Cambodia. So it's it's it's a horrible thing to spend most of your young adult life in, right? I can't imagine how it would have been if I was in that mess, but here's the thing. You can't you can't just say like that's like a that is the default position you take when you're a refugee from war. Because My dad's friends from high school, they're not like him at all. they want to go on vacation. They want to, you know, s spend the money that they have. They don't go overboard. I think for them it's just you have to enjoy your life, right? Lisa: Yeah. Ken: And he sees it as something as I don't know why people do this. He doesn't understand. It's weird to explain this to people, but I always thought he was very strange because he would always complain about me spending money, I used to like Dodger season tickets. Yeah, I used to have Dodger season tickets when there was Lisa: Yay. Hell yeah. Ken: affordable when they weren't that good in like the late 2000s and early 200 2010s. And yeah. Mm-hmm. Lisa: Yeah, they weren't good. Yeah, no. Ken: And I used to have clipper season tickets, I used to go to music venues maybe once a week or at least like several times a month, right? And these aren't expensive concerts. I would just go in the hole in the wall, like concert venue and just watch like a you know, sometimes like a indie band play and it'll be like ten, twenty bucks. And he wouldn't understand why I would do that and just waste money like that. it's fun to enjoy your time on the earth, for me, as long as it's not like an outlandish amount of money, I don't have problems spending that money. And I know Lisa, you you love to travel and Lisa: Yeah. Ken: You live within your means to travel, right? It's it it's a weird kind of thing that it's like you you shut Lisa: Yeah. Ken: off all this pleasure in your life. Things do cost money going on vacation costs money. Going to these events cost money, but you enjoy it. it's a part of your life that you remember. Lisa: yeah, for sure because it's I mean, travelling's not cheap. You can make it cheap if you go like certain months and Yeah. Ken: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You could yeah, you could you could definitely you could definitely maximize how much you could save doing stuff, You just don't have to it's not like you're gonna go and I'm gonna go business class and stuff like that. A lot of people don't travel like that. They plan everything ahead of time. Lisa: Mm. Ken: Live within their means, right? Lisa: Yeah, and that's the thing. If you plan ahead, you get cheaper tickets and Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: if you can stay at like cheaper places like Airbnb or something that's more affordable, you know, you y you have to figure it out. But like I don't wear like Rolex watches or I don't have an extravagant life. But when it Ken: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Lisa: comes to traveling, that's when I know I'm gonna splurge. okay, maybe I won't eat out a couple nights a week, but I can use that money to travel. You know, it's it's like But I think people with your dad, that's more mm that's that's more of a psychological hoarding. Like yeah, that's y Ken: There what's what's yeah what's the end goal? That's why I always wonder. What's the end goal with your life? What's what's Lisa: I I don't I I Ken: hoarding all this money gonna do? Lisa: it's such a compulsion that that it's it's visceral. So there's no logic behind it, people like hoarders, you know, like that T V show hoarders where Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: it's like literally they have to crawl through a window because they're ha you can't get through the front door. And you're like, Okay, but you have all these like magazines and this and there's cat piss and okay what's your end goal you're hoarding, hoarding, hoarding, but that's the wrong I I that I don't think that's not ex necessarily the right question to ask because it's so what's the word? It's a completely like I said, it's it's visceral. There's no logic behind it. It's just like i because of their trauma, it's like a trauma response. your your dad was in this war, you know? Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: It traumatized the shit out of him enough to the point where it's like he had nothing. So it's like, now I need to hoard in case the psychological something in for the next he's he's waiting for like the next World War Three, right? That Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: might happen. So I l logically subconsciously, that's what it is and he hasn't worked through the trauma, so that's why he keeps replaying this. And unfortunately with him, I don't think he has the self awareness to be like, this is what's behind this, the hoarding. You know, hoarding is I mean, if you watch the show, they when the yeah, the people when they go through you realize like they've gone through some really, really difficult things that cause them to be that way. Ken: Yeah, I'm glad you yeah, yeah, I'm glad you brought that up because a lot of the hoarding situations, they do really well on the show to kind of ask the question, what what happened to create this situation where they started hoarding? A lot of it's like trauma, like it's like Lisa: Mm-hmm. Ken: loss of a loved one, usually to like major illness, and it just turns their behavior upside down, right? Lisa: Mm-hmm. Ken: they they start worried about certain things like I don't want to throw this away. It this this I could correlate this with a positive memory I had. And that's how it starts, right? You just for a while you just don't throw away newspapers and then you don't throw away this and then you don't throw away that and it's just like a coping mechanism after a while. I think Lisa: Mm-hmm. Ken: that show actually does really well in explaining there's different ways where someone could become a hoarder. It's not just like I like stuff, right? Lisa: Yeah, I like hoarding yeah, I like buying newspapers. No, yeah. Ken: Well, there's there are there are people like you know how I am. I'm like a collector, I collect stuff, and I'm like, yeah, the some people could see yeah that's hoarding, but on severe hoarding like in those shows, it's indiscriminate. It's like everything is not thrown out. It's not in sanitary situations. my cousin who's like a neat freak does he used to go to my house and say, You guys are hoarders. Because we had just so much stuff in our house and my family has a habit of not throwing things away. Like, after a while, like I I started getting into habits like, Hey, we don't need this anymore, let's throw it away or donate it, right? Or sell it, or something like that. Mm-hmm. Lisa: Ken, I noticed it too. I went you invited me to your house, well, when you were still living with your parents, and I was like, they're hoarders. Like right away I could just tell and there was shoeboxes of stuff on the like as soon as I walked in, like stacks and stacks and stacks and stacks of shoeboxes up to the ceiling. And it was tons of shit. And I'm like, they're hoarders. Yeah. Ken: Yeah, and and plus that there was a couple times where I I like decorated the basement, We have a basement and Lisa: Mm-hmm. Ken: there's just so much stuff that I'm like I have to hide it because there's nowhere to put anything. And I try and by the way, since I moved out, that place has been falling apart. Like the basement's completely destroyed. Like no one takes care of it. Lisa: Well, it does not does not surprise me. Yeah. Ken: Yeah, so it's completely messed up. stuff I've had is pretty much like contaminated and you know, it's part of it's my fault. I I pretty much moved out and I didn't clear it as fastly or as swiftly as I should have. And it's it's stuff I could live without, but you know, it's it's a strange situation and a lot of it's like my dad I I don't know what it is. I was listening to Dr. Ramani talk about just a narcissist and their birthdays. My dad is not a person that really celebrates his birthday either. Like he doesn't make a big deal out of it. But the problem is it goes the other way, right? He doesn't make a big deal out of his birthday, and he also doesn't make a big deal out of your birthday either, as a ki as the child. Lisa: Mm-hmm. Ken: And it's it's so ⁓ Demoralizing as a kid when you realize that little light bulb comes in your head, it hurts so badly. And and the one story that I really wanted to talk about was I went to elementary school and the kids would always have their parents, like on the most part, the kids will have their mom or dad just drop in when it's ever their birthday. And I'm not sure if you ever had this in elementary school, Lisa. they would come in and there's like a birthday, right? So and so's birthday, that's their mom. Yeah. Lisa: I really? You guys did that? I I did I did elementary school in Mexico, so I didn't I didn't know if it's an American thing? I'd never even heard of that. Ken: that that that might not be a thing. Yeah, it might be a yeah, it's an American thing. Lisa: I know. Ken: So kids would bring in their parents would bring in like a birthday cake, And it's just like it's neat, right? Because they're just poking their head in and then they tell the teacher as like the teacher knows. And and the best part of it is like all the kids, even if they didn't know it was their birthday, it's like they sing happy birthday because cake, right? Cake. And it's everybody's like happy. And as a kid, you look at that And you're looking at the calendar, and I'm like, it's my birthday coming up soon. Maybe, maybe my dad or my mom's gonna come through with a cake, right? And six years of elementary school. my dad didn't bring me a cake once. And you know what the worst part was? He worked on the same building I went to school at. Like he worked as a teacher's aide at my school. So he was right down the hall. Lisa: He worked as a teacher's aide, really. Wow, okay. I never would have guessed. Ken: So and the thing was when I was going to school there, everybody knew I was his son. they knew who I was. So I was like popular in that way where it's like, yeah, your dad's works here, so we know who your dad is. So the whole faculty and administration knew who I was. When I walk on the hallway is L is I'm just waiting for my dad. And they're like, It's okay. You could stay here. Six years at that elementary school, my dad never brought me a birthday cake once. And I keep thinking, Well, my birthday is in June. So it's usually the last week of like school, And I'm thinking, maybe my dad's busy, maybe it's like there's things we have to clean up and stuff in his classroom. And that's how I justified it as a kid. But after a while, I'm like, it's my birthday. I'm pretty sure my dad's not coming with a cake. But you know how you have that optimism, like This is gonna Lisa: Mm. Ken: be the year. This is gonna be the year. He's gonna bring the cake. And he didn't. He never brought the cake, by the way. It was like Lisa: Mm-hmm. Ken: he never bought the cake. and the thing is, I remember it like so vividly that he never bought the cake. And I'm just waiting there, like disappointed. And thinking. Lisa: little can. Ken: Yeah, he just and I thought about that and I'm like, at least I still have a birthday party every year with my family, right? with my extended family. And then came a one year where my cousin was spending her birthday with her paternal side of the family, which is on the other side. So my parents told me it's like, yeah, you're not getting a birthday party this year because your cousins on the other side, we're not gonna have a birthday party. And I kept thinking in my head, was her having a birthday party somewhere else have to deal with me? And then it I think I Lisa: What how old were you? How old were you? Ken: I think I was like twelve or thirteen. This was when like, Lisa: okay. Ken: right in the beginning of junior high. And then so she started getting like closer friends, right? she had her friends and paternal side of the family. that year I didn't have a birthday party. that was that was that. And I realized really quick, I'm like, I was a pretty sharp kid. so if my cousin is not gonna have a birthday party, I don't get one either. I have to really gauge this. I was like, is this the year that she's gonna do it again? And then I'm not gonna get to Lisa: Okay. Ken: celebrate my birthday party. And here's the thing the reason why no matter how I have a falling out with my sister, I I have a soft spot for my sister because On my birthday, she would always give me a present. And she would always give me a cake. And this was like a thing where my parents didn't even bother doing, by the way. there came a point where I got a little older. My parents stopped buying me gifts and just gave me money. And as a kid, it it seems cool that you're getting money, right? And then as you get older, you're giving me money again. And then you realize, I don't really know you that well or I don't care to know you that well, so I'm not gonna even bother trying to buy you a gift. That you c at worst you could just return, They don't even bother doing that. They're like, I don't have any time, here's some money. And that's the justification for it. I think this was before like a time of gift cards and stuff like that, but my parents wouldn't even bother go to the store and buy a gift card for me. would just give me money in like a red envelope. Like it was Chinese New Year. Lisa: Chinese yeah, like Chinese New Year I was about to I was thinking the same thing. Ken: I was like, it's my birthday. Why is he giving me this? I'm not getting married. It's usually only get envelopes on like Chinese New Year, Lunar New Year, and like weddings. And it's like, that's how it is. They would just give me money and like, here you go. And it's like that disappointing thing where I'm looking in the envelope and it's like, yeah, that's a good amount of money. I could buy like something really nice with it, right? And then there came a point where I became an adult and I had a job. And I just like look at the thing and and my sister, when she had a job, she had she had the same personality I did, like reaction to it. She would just take the thing and then she'll fold it up and put it in her wallet. And she'll use it as like, this is good luck, money. And that's about it. Cause it's like at Lisa: Yeah. Ken: a certain point, Why are we needing money for it? We're adults. like your like your twenty bucks isn't gonna do anything in the scheme of things it doesn't do anything. it works for a little kid. yeah, cool, I could buy like a bunch of action figures, like KB Toys. Remember KB Toys? Lisa: Yeah, we're we're dating ourselves, aren't we? Well, millennial, yeah. Ken: Yeah, there was used to be a awesome thing in the mall called KB Toys, and they always had like a discount bin where you could for ten bucks you'll get like four action figures and that'll be like something like that. And then they all closed down. Poor kids. Lisa: yeah. Wow, that's I was like I didn't know that about your sister, that she would bring you a present and cake on your birthday. That's very surprising. Mm-hmm. Ken: And and that that's really I r and the thing is I remember that. And so I always give her a lot of grace, even with with the way she's kinda like treating me now, Lisa: Mm. Ken: and she's just like angry at me and stuff like that, and we had a falling out. I still remember Lisa: Mm. Ken: those days where she was because I remember there was a time where she got me a gaming console. And this is like something my parents would never do. she got me like a like a PlayStation, she got me like a Nintendo sixty four. And like she didn't have to, but she she did it. She did it. Lisa: Wow. And that that that's not cheap either. Ken: Yeah. But the problem with that is as I got older, my sister will always complain that she doesn't have any money, right? Because she didn't have a steady income after a while. But she will buy me these expensive presents that I tell her not to. And she'll give me a nice present, but it'll be like something that's like, I could afford this. You shouldn't do this because you're you're struggling with money. But then she won't let me hear the end of it. Then we we we learned about that, right? Like she's getting me stuff that she doesn't have to, and then she's like complaining that she doesn't have any money, but she made this sacrifice for me that I didn't ask for. I remember like Dr. Romini talked about this in in her book. it's it's kind of like the narcissist is giving you something that you didn't ask for, and kind of like giving guilt tripping you, this is a behavior that my sister has. So it's like she's a different type of narcissist than my dad is. it's no wonder that I had a falling out with both of them after a while when I got a little bit more aware and my attitude kind of adjusted to their behavior. And for them, my sister definitely didn't like that, that I was less accommodating than I was before. And for my dad, he doesn't get it, but I gray rock him on a regular basis. Lisa: Mm, yeah. Ken: Like I don't pay attention to anything he says. But Lisa: Ha ha ha. Ken: that does and the thing is, that's you would think that that would make my birthdays like really hazardous to my health. And I think people understand that if they know me for a while, like I start acting really erratic on my birthday, usually on social media, since social media is a thing now. I start like lamenting about stuff and like you know, I start being philosophical and sometimes really negative about my birthday. And it's just a lot of the times it's just because on my birthday, it's I'm disappointed a lot on my birthday. So it's it scares me. Birthday is like the day that I'm so scared of. Lisa: Mm. Ken: Because if something bad happens on your birthday, you remember it. Much more so. It's like, yeah, remember when this happened on my birthday? remember when s so-and-so puked in front of your like feet Lisa: huh. Ken: on your birthday? You remember that because it was your birthday. It would have been any other day. But it because he puked right at your feet and told you to clean it up on your birthday, you remember that for life now. And it's just horrible, right, Lisa? And Lisa: Yeah, yeah, right. And then it makes me think like, where the fuck was my mom? You know, to to be like Yeah I I'm Ken: Yeah, where was she? Lisa: trying to remember, I don't even remember her. She th I think they went out to drink together. I don't know. But like Ken: She was fine and he's puking on the floor. So I'm like, okay. Lisa: Yeah, I'm like what what the fuck? And Ken, you know about the thing about your cousin. I I Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: had you asked me about my aunt, my mom's twin. So remember when I was like when I was younger, maybe middle school. So I we were living in Miami at the time and my aunt, she this is on my birthday, she takes me and her daughter, who's my same age, to the mall. And buys her a bunch of stuff. Like the Macy's or whatever. bought her a bunch of stuff on my birthday. had to sit there and watch while she was like trying on clothes. I said, eventually it was like, I like this t-shirt. It was like a Calvin it said c K for Calvin Klein. I remember it was gray and it was kinda like it could show your a little bit of your belly, you know, because you know, you're like an early teens, so you're like Ken: That's trendy at the time. I remember that. Lisa: It was trendy. Yeah. So I was like, can I have this, you know, for my birthday? And she goes, Your mom has to pay me back if I get it for you. and I'm like, Okay. And then I remember going home and my mom's partner at the time, the one who was puking, she was with him at the time, and he goes, my god, she did that on Lisa's birthday? Like y you know it's bad if e he like notices, right? If he notices, like, I had to watch what my cousin tries on like all these like cute clothes on my birthday. Yeah, my my aunt is something else. Ken: that's that's really bad. That's like I don't even know what to say about that. That's that's rubbing it in your face and kind of saying that your mom is like insufficient. That's reminding you of that. Lisa: Yeah. Ken: Not only do you have to watch your cousin get stuff from her mom, you don't get anything. Lisa: yeah. And my cousin's an only child, so she was used to getting like a lot of stuff. So Yeah. And I I I told you about my cousin. It's some you know, the falling out we had and stuff I don't like my aunt. She's not y Ken: He's not great. Lisa: No, she has an eating disorder and it's like you know, when you talk to her, the first thing the very like whether it's on the phone or in person, the very first thing she'll say, How much do you weigh? Ken: That's a no no. Lisa: Like the very like like hi, how are you? How much do you weigh? Ken: How much money do you make? How much do you weigh? How much do you eat today? what kind of car do you drive? Lisa: What's it in Spanish? Cuanto pesas. I was like, how much do you weigh? I'm like, what hi, is good hearing from you too. And then like a buckle cost a buckle, that's how much freedom costs. Yeah. I I weigh Ken: You should just be like a buckle five. Yeah. Yeah. Lisa: I weigh freedom. Yeah. And it's funny because like we ha my uncle, like years ago when he when his when his partner at the time had their kid, he she told her that she was fat. just straight up told you're fat because she had just had a kid and gained weight. Like, you normally do after you have a kid and just straight up told her, you're fat Like she's like that. it's so fucking rude. I I mean that level and it's funny because my aunt's daughter, she was like obese for a long time. So y the irony, right? Someone who's like I think my aunt has an eating disorder and go to the gym and and just I weigh a hundred and six pounds. She would always brag. I weigh a hundred and six and then meanwhile her daughter with like a obviously overeater, literally obese. imagine my height, but eighty pounds heavier. If you can imagine that. Ken: I could just imagine like how your cousin probably got the brunt of those mean statements from her. Lisa: I probably you know, 'cause my cousin was actually really pretty. when she was a teenager, she wasn't fat or skinny, she was just really normal. Really, really a good looking girl, but I s she became Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: as an adult, gained a bunch of weight. obviously from like her own mental illness stuff and could never li actually funny, she c she actually ended up moving to LA to become an actress, but she could never lose the weight. Ken: that's a bummer. Lisa: Yeah, we w w we went to Hollywood one time and she's that stars for me. And she's like, I need to lose sixty pounds and get an agent and that never happened. No. She didn't have the discipline, you know, she was very immature Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: and whatever, young. But anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. But yeah, the whole cousins thing. So weird. And Man, fuck these people. I'm so glad I don't talk to them. Yeah, and Mother's Day was like last month, you know, just a couple of weeks ago. I heard that my mom was in Mexico. And it's funny because, you know, Latin American in Latin America you s you celebrate Mother's Day on May 10th. regardless of the day. Whereas like in the States it's always the Sunday. this is this year it actually coincided. So Latin American and American Mother's Days were on the same day, that Sunday, which rarely happens. So that's why I was like, Mother's Day and then I celebrated with going to like visiting my partner's grandmother and people are like you're you're a you're a mom too. You're a dog mom and I'm like, I am And then it was like, I have a mom too, huh? No? then I heard through the great point that my mom was in Mexico. And I was like, she must feel so humiliated that she is is spending, Mother's Day without her kids. At least I know with me, like, how embarrassing. how you know, it looks really bad that Ken: Yeah. It must knock you down a pig if your kids aren't even around on Mother's Day. That really reflects on you, right? Lisa: that yes. Exactly. And and actually made me feel kinda sorry for her. I'm like, she must feel I ca 'cause I I already know how humiliating it is. Everyone else getting flowers and cards and chocolates and whatnot. And then get you get nothing. You don't even get a fucking phone call. I actually make me feel sorry for her. And I rarely do, 'cause usually the maybe it's a sign of healing. I don't know. But I like to reserve my anger because it keeps me it's the i ironically, it makes me have boundaries, right? Because it's like, I'm so angry, I'm not gonna call somebody even though I feel sorry for them and da-da-da, you know, even if I'm being manipulated into feeling sorry for somebody, you know? But your anger is actually it's been very useful with maintaining boundaries, ironically, right? But the fact that I felt sorry for her, I'm like, am I healing or Or what? Usually I just don't I'm indifferent, you know, I would call my grandmother when you know, my paternal grandmother who I was close to, but after she passed a couple of years ago, I don't really don't really do don't celebrate it. And I know for you, you know, visiting your own mother with dementia on Mother's Day, fuck. I Ken: not a good thing. it's hard to explain when you have someone with dementia as severe as my mom. it's a little unnerving, right? 'Cause she's physically there, but she's not there, Mentally she's not there. And I have no idea what she's thinking. I have no idea if she recognizes me or not. 'Cause she smiles at everybody. Lisa: Hmm. Hmm. Ken: So I have no idea if it's my mom still in there. So it's really hard to grasp that and it doesn't help that my dad's there too and I'm like why are you here dude? he really does bother me and I it it I'm not sure if I'm just like sensitive sometimes. he just him being there, it just pisses me off that he's there. it didn't always used to be that way and as we got More of the falling out, as I had more therapy. It's just our relationship is very just kind of transactional. We talk about certain things. If he needs me to do something, I'll just do it for him, right? but that's that's pretty much the extent of our relationship. he's looks at me and stuff and he's like, You seem like you're doing well, And this past week it wasn't good because he looked at me and he was like, You look really skinny. Why why are you so skinny? And I'm like, I'm stressed. And he's like, What are you stressed about? And I'm like, Let me list the ways of where I'm stressed, Lisa: G gee, I wonder why. Ken: right? he pretty much responded to me as like, Well, work is going well, right? you don't have to worry about looking for a job or anything like that. So where's your stress coming from? I didn't want to entertain that question with any kind of answer. Because what's there not to be stress about in this in this in this world right now? Let's say even if we don't want to talk about big picture societal stuff that's going on, right? Or let's not think about the economy. Let's not think about just people that might be your neighbors and something's bad's happening to them. What about our situation right now, Dad? mom is not mom anymore. My sister is I don't know what's up with her. And you, you could only worry about. yourself at the moment. And this is just us right here. This doesn't mention any of the other stuff they had to deal with outside of this when I leave your house. So it's like the stress is happening. And anybody that know my dad and I told them that, I was like, geez, I wonder why you're stressed. It's like talking to someone that's like oblivious to everything, right? He's I'm not sure if he's just like blissfully unaware of himself. And that's really my main problem with him. Is like, do you not understand yourself, sir? And I was like, maybe I give him too much credit. Not everybody understands themselves, right, Lisa: Mm-hmm. Ken: Lisa? Not everybody's self-aware. And we take that for granted. We're thinking that people are self-aware. It's like, no, not everybody's self-aware, okay? Some people are blissfully unaware of everything that's going on. And for him, he only worries about his periphery. If nothing is affecting him directly, I don't think he gives a crap, right? A lot of the stuff it's about money and stuff like that, that my mom, she went into the ER He still talks about that all the time. And really, if he wasn't the person that had to be the one that's obligated or on the hook for that money, I don't think he'll care Lisa: Yeah. Ken: about it at all. he's had me cancel like my mother's checkups, like saying, your mom's not gonna get any better anyway. So Yeah, yeah. Lisa: He's he says that? Your mum's never gonna hear. Ken: He had me cancel he had me cancel one because like I I couldn't get out of going to work. I didn't have the time my cousin was willing to take her and they're like, we don't want her to take her. And it's like stuff like that. at a certain point I'm so burnt out, I'm not gonna fight anymore. Lisa: Yeah. Ken: Right? Lisa: fuck. Ken: Mm-hmm. You know what the bad part is, Lisa? I didn't even get to the part where I talk about my twenty-fifth birthday party that I mentioned last time, and that was the icing on the cake with my parents. That was the icing on the cake. Like I Lisa: Is it the one with they kicked everybody out of the house? Ken: Yeah, so what happened was for some reason everything aligned Like everybody that invited showed up. That never happens to anything, right? So this was like I was college. This was like my for first real job. So I had like a really fun time with my coworkers. It was during a time where I don't know, everybody just like was okay hanging out each hanging out with each other outside of work. It was like a different world back then. And this was like, I swear, it was just like What, 10-15 years ago, right? So it's like that that whole world is like different now. people, at least in my circle, are like older. don't you know, we're not gonna go out after work and stuff like and go drink, but during that time I was like I had a pretty good social life, so I had a lot of people that I hung out with, and I swear there was there was a good like 75 or 100 people there. There were people that haven't seen in years that showed up. And The thing was, like a lot of my cousins showed up, like my godsister showed up, which she never did for any of my parties. And it's like it's because she doesn't like big crowds and stuff like that. But everybody was there. It was weird. Everybody that I talked to during that time was there. And it was like great. I'm like, my gosh, this is so cool. like my friends brought over like a barbecue. We were barbecuing stuff in the back. And I was like, this is great. And I had a friend that I was working with that's like a DJ, he plays at like nightclubs and stuff like that. And he's like for hire but he's like a legit DJ. So he was playing my party for a very nominal fee. I still pay them, but yeah, it's like it wasn't a lot. It was like something I could afford. And it was great. Like it was great. It had music, it had food, everybody was just mingling. And my dad Steps out eventually and he just walks towards me and he's like, Can you please turn off the music, please? It's too loud. So I'm like, okay, sure, we we're gonna can make it little softer. He comes back maybe like 10 to 15 minutes later, and he's like, I don't like it, it's really bugging me. Can you turn off the music totally? And I'm like, hey, we're just I just kinda wanna just enjoy my party. Can we just have it for another hour, And it wasn't late at all. It was probably like seven thirty, eight o'clock. it wasn't like it was like two o'clock in the morning. And he just he's like, no. And he just sticks his finger and he pokes it right in my chest. And I'm like staring down at his finger, poking me. And I just I just get this thing where it's like, it's almost like a movie, and everybody's like staring at this situation, him poking me in the chest. I'm just like looking at it. I'm like, huh. Yes, yes, he's poking me in my chest. Lisa: What was it hard? Was he poking hard? Like and and you're and you're and and you're and you're going backwards. Ken: Like, you how like something is you do this, okay? And I remember my every time my dad's really mad at me, that's what he does. He pokes me in the chest like that. He's like, You fix it, or you do this. So he told me, break up the party. okay, fine. So I look at everybody, it's like, sorry, we all have to like break up the party. So we're all like hanging out outside. where everybody's going to the car, everybody's giving me a hug. Well, it it was fun while it lasted, like stuff like that. And I was just chatting with my friends, Are you gonna go out with us? After this, and like my friends took me out, and at this point, like I had like I'm not sure how many beers I had, and like I had tranquilizers, so I'm totally messed up already. let's go out. And this was during a time where I was pretty heavy drinking. I think I was smoking on a consistent basis. So this was like a time I was not taking care of myself. This is my twenties, I'm like 25. I'm like thinking nothing could kill me. Probably. and anybody that knows that is like, yeah, if you ever have an Ativan or something like to that degree, like a tranquilizer, you're not supposed to take alcohol with it. ⁓ You're not supposed to take any alcohol with it because it it could you could stop breathing. That's really what it is. ⁓ I had a ton of alcohol. I did this on a regular basis. This was like my way of ⁓ numbing any kind of pain I had. This was like before therapy. well I was just getting medicated. So I'm like, okay, I could I could deal. But I remember that day. after that, I think I had like one or two parties that were like a little bit smaller, maybe like a dozen people. But it never was like that big party again, right? And I was I I was very glad and really grateful that I had like at a time I had this many people care about me to even show up to my party. But I keep thinking about it as my dad couldn't give me one or two hours where I could really just enjoy myself, right? And it wasn't like he like, yeah, guess what? I ruined your party. I'm gonna take you out and we're gonna have a nice party. I'm gonna give you a nice party. No, he didn't do that. And he didn't give me any kind of acknowledgement at any birthday after that. And then because of that. I just look at my birthday party as like, I really hate my birthday. This is like a terrible day. I don't like it at all. I remember cause that one year ⁓ where I moved to Japan, ⁓ if my friends from Japan are still listening to this, you probably remember this, even though it's been like ten years. I remember a birthday landed on a day where I didn't have to go to class. So what I did was I I was telling everybody, Today's my birthday. I'm gonna hide in my room and I'm not gonna come out, okay? I'm just gonna come out just to eat or something like that. And they were like, Why? I'm like, I don't want anything bad to happen on my birthday. And they're like, That's ridiculous. What bad could what think what bad things could happen on your birthday? I was like, Well, I don't know, my dad maybe could fly or astro project himself like start poking me in the chest again. I don't know. Lisa: Mm-hmm. Ken: But I was really depressed. it's my birthday and I can't enjoy it. I don't know why. I just can't enjoy it. And I was so grateful for my friends. they took me out to a burger restaurant in Tokyo and they're like, does this taste anything like the burger F from back at home? And I'm like, close enough. I'm like, I'm s I'm I'm just glad you guys are here. And I guess afterwards, everybody we just maybe ten, twenty other kids were just like in the dining area and we just like all had a drink and they're like they wish me a happy birthday. this is really nice. This is like I wish I could have this all the time. I was like, this is it's not big, but you guys tried. And that's really what I asked for. It's like you guys could try. That's why sometimes I never had anybody just like Hey, it's your birthday. We're gonna s surprise birthday party you, right? Like you're just gonna walk into a room and it's like surprise. That's like something I I it's not everybody gets surprised birthday parties, but like I I I never had that, so it's it's weird when it comes to my birthday. It's like I s you know what it is? I hope that I get a surprise birthday party, but like you don't get it and then you're just disappointed. It's like my dad not bringing me that birthday cake in elementary school. It's just like reliving that over and over. It's terrible. It's like it you're reliving this thing over and over. And it's just this disappointment over and over. And it's just a weird thing that I can't get out of. And it's not that I'm not grateful that I know, Lisa, you took me out last year. I was having her a really Lisa: Mm-hmm. Ken: bad day. this is like a bunch of my other friends canceled on me. And this has happened before where I've had a birthday party and invited people out and everybody's like, yeah, it's a day of, it's fine. an hour before everybody cancels. I remember I had like a table booked at a restaurant for ten people. seven of those people c canceled at the last minute. So it was like three people. So it I had to like go to like the host and be like, Okay, we get a smaller table. my friends didn't show up. They canceled. And I keep thinking, I was like, why am I the person that has to invite people to my birthday party and have people you know, like it's like hiring people to be my friends for my birthday party. And it's sh I people shouldn't view it like that, but that's how I view it sometimes. And it's sad for me sometimes. And I and the thing is I'm not trying to discount like people that remember my birthday and take me out to go eat. Like when when when you took me out last year, like I was so grateful Lisa: I'm s Ken: and And I know at that point it's like I was like, man, Lisa I love you so much as like it means so much to me. And sometimes I mention that to my fiance and she gets disappointed that I have bad birthdays, right? And she's trying to do her best. But it's just I'm messed up in a way where my head's like, Am I getting that surprise birthday party? That's it's not coming, and it's I still hope for it. And it's it's it's way past his prime. My dad's not gonna just show up and give me a birthday party, right? And I'm not sure if it's just the narcissist in him where he's like, You know what? I don't want you to have your own day, right? I don't care for you to have your own day. W I don't care if you're the center of tension. And in my and he's probably like in my opinion, like speaking from my dad's point of view, I don't get what the big deal is. Why do you need a birthday party? I don't have birthday parties. You shouldn't Lisa: Mm-hmm. Ken: have one either. So I think that's that's his logic, right? And I remember one more thing. one thing I correlated to was I remember graduating from college. And I didn't want to go do the ceremony. some of my friends were like, Why? It's like not that it's only in the sun, in the heat, in the middle of the day. my parents never showed up to any of my events where if I will like was getting a trophy for something, or like a plaque or award. My parents never showed up because I just realized, yeah, they had to go work or something like that. Or even when they were free, they didn't want to drive up to go see me. receive a award or something like that. It was just an inconvenience. I remember I didn't want to graduate from college and well, I wanted to graduate from college, but I didn't want to walk. I didn't want to go to a ceremony. I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of watching me walk when they were so absentee in my big events in my life. And then my sister's just like, you know what? They really want to go to the ceremony. You should just walk. And then she convinced me to do it. But here's the thing. Lisa: Did they show up? Wow. Ken: They did, they did, they they showed up and they showed up. So which was if my pair like if my cousins didn't drive them up to Santa Barbara, which was two hours away from where they lived, they probably wouldn't have showed up. they showed up, but the thing is I had because I worked at the student bookstore, the university bookstore, they gave me these invitations commemorating my graduation for free, And a lot of kids send these out to their family members and friends, right? Family friends. And they usually get like a gift card or like money out of it, or at least like a like a congratulations letter, So I wanted to send these out. So I like bring this a stack of them, like a hundred of them. And I'm like, yeah, I got these things from the student store because like I work there, so they comp me. And they're really brilliant, right? Like it has like the University of California seal on it and it has like my name on it. That I graduated. and then my dad just looks at it, it's like, don't send these out. why not? It's like, you don't want to bother people with that. I keep thinking it was like I think he's disappointed in me. But I'm don't know for sure. I think he is disappointed in me because I didn't graduate from a really good school. because the thing is, I would bring them t-shirts and sweaters and you know you know how some people like you're driving behind them in traffic and it's like my kid goes to this school or my kid's in the military and they put it proudly on their car. My parents refused to do that. maybe they don't want anybody to know that I'm at a what they assume is a second rate school. So they didn't want me to send that out. Especially when my cousin's like, yeah, she's graduating with honors at UCLA early. we don't care about your school. I did. Lisa: But you went to a UC. UCs are a good school. Yeah. Ken: But I don't think they viewed it that way. They really didn't. Lisa: my god. Ken: Especially like Asian I I I know anybody that's like Asian American could probably relate to that. And Usually it's not to that degree. Why my parents just I think they were just embarrassed that I just graduated from a half-rate school. I really think that's the thing. Lisa: A UC I went to fucking state Ken: Isn't that crazy? Lisa: school, I went to like junior college and I'm like But people do look down on me. Ken: and the thing is there's nothing to look down on. We all have like the we're we're honestly I started working at places where kids didn't even go to college. So I was like, what's the point of this? I have the same job as someone that went to high school, right? Lisa: Yeah. Ken: But this is all just how these parents are like cap Lisa: It's a status conscious thing. Ken: yeah, as a status conscious, is they're comparing me with like other people. And the thing is they I swear they were indirectly telling me that, hey, your cousin that was born exactly the that has almost the exact same birthday as you, she's better at you at everything. Why can't you be good at something? Lisa: Mm-hmm. Ken: And that they never told me that in verbatim, but that's what they s when they see me, Well, you're not good at anything. well. you're going to a lesser school, your SAT scores are crappy. Lisa: shit. I get a lot of shit for going to community college. I mean I Ken: there's no shame in that though. Lisa: I personally don't give a fuck but it's look but the people look down on me. There's a certain person actually I'm thinking of a couple people. And I was no Ken: Is it your mom? Lisa: she doesn't know anything about college. What Ken: Well the thing is your mom th didn't your mom say they she told everybody you went to USC? Lisa: Well yeah, 'cause she heard the name USC and it's stuck and it's like, no, you go to USC and I'm like, I've n I've never been why would I afford to go to private school, idiot? I wouldn't You think if we're rich enough to like a qualify I mean, I know now that they're very generous with their what's it called? Financial aid or whatever. Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: I didn't know that. I don't know. But at the same time it's like And you know the people who judge us the most for like being lesser, they wouldn't survive half of what we've been through. So the people who Look down on me the most, I was like, you motherfucker wouldn't survive a fucking day in my childhood. One fucking day. everything I've been through, look, I've had to scratch and claw my way out of my entire life. So people they can judge all they want. They go fuck themselves. That's why I say they go fuck themselves. And I say that to your parents, Ken, they go fuck themselves. Cause you know what? You you went to a good school in a really nice, really nice. city. I I love that I'm I don't want to mention it. It's one of my favorite cities, if not my favorite city in California. my god. I mean I love it. Ken: yeah. You know what the sad part is? I had so much financial aid and scholarships and grants and stuff like that. pretty much the last two years of my school was a full ride. Lisa: Seriously? Ken: Yeah, but my parents don't acknowledge that. Because in the scheme of things, out of all the kids, like the cousins and stuff like that, I'm like the sh I'm the least of all of them. So it's you're comparing me with a bunch of people that are like Overachievers. And the thing is, my cousin, I love her to bit. She's like the sweetest person ever. she's so sweet. she's going through a tough time now. her husband's very sick. she has never made me feel like I'm lesser than her. She always has made me feel very loved and cared for. And this whole messed up thing in my head. it's not from her. It's it's from how I think and just how my parents act. And that's really what it is. And the sad part is I got a message from my cousin that says her good friends are gonna do a surprise birthday party for her. And this episode will probably come out after that. So it's like I'm not spilling the beans. if not I'm gonna you know postpone This part or edits this part out. But she's getting a surprise birthday party from her friends from college or high school or something like that. And they asked, Hey, do you guys want to come? it's fine. It will be great if the family members would come, right? And you know what's sad? The first thing I thought was not that, yeah, let me s let me try to make time and try to go, The first thing I thought, and I thought so badly of this that I'm like, wait, how it's that three year old to four year old Ken. wait, how come she's getting a surprise birthday party? I'm not I'm not. And this was really a thing that played out in my head. what a good thing where I'm tying that thing from when I was a little kid, she has more presence than me, to her friends probably love her more. They're planning a surprise birthday party for her. Isn't that great? She beats me at everything. at at the schema was like I try to think about it, it's like you can't live like this. it's a horrible thing to constantly compare yourself to someone that doesn't even know that you're in a competition with her, We're not in a competition, but my mind is set up in a way where why am I always comparing myself for her? the birthdays is just one of it, right? We s we share so much in common in the fact that our birthdays are right next to each other. And I keep thinking, I'm so reliant on her to have her birthday party so people couldn't acknowledge that I have a birthday. Because if I didn't tell anybody it's my birthday, I don't think anybody would know. Which is fine because when you get older, nobody knows anybody's birthday, right? Since I turned off my Facebook, nobody's gonna know my birthday anymore. what a sad thing to think about, right? Like Lisa is like, she has a she has friends that are padding a birthday party and you're inviting me and my other cousins to partake and celebrate with her. And I that's that's what I think. I keep thinking, I thought I outgrew this. I guess I didn't. I'm still I I'm just really petty. I'm like, how where's my birthday? What and One more thing, you know, that's part of the friend circle kind of listens to this podcast too. And I really want to ask them to like, hey, you want to go to like a birthday lunch or dinner? but I'm like at a certain point where I don't want to ask anymore, It's sad to ask. And I don't know why. It's just like you guys will probably flake out of it or something like that. Not you, Lisa, like other people. They'll just flake out of I don't wanna put myself through that again. Lisa: Mm. I get that, you know I mean we'll celebrate your birthday for sure. yeah, let me know where you want to go. We'll celebrate. Woohoo. Ken: Thanks, Lisa. And and really this episode was like something so I could air out my grievances. Lisa: Mm-hmm. Ken: And this is and I'm not trying to s just blast my parents for this. It's just I'm trying to explain why like birthday parties and birthdays are just so like it's a double-edged sword for people that grew up in this kind of environment. For you, Lisa, it's like it's my birthday. My mom's not gonna call me. And I like it better that way because it's nothing could go well if she calls me. It's it's just bad memory after bad memory with your mom. With my parents, I'm like, I never got that stupid cake. I never got that really awesome party that they bothered throwing me. And now that my mom is not my mom anymore, I'm never gonna get that opportunity again. It's not like someone's just gonna plunk a birthday cake like right there from from my family. Lisa: Maybe maybe I will Ken: I had a falling out with my dad. I had a falling out with my sister. My my mom has dementia. She doesn't even know who I am. It's like That ship has sailed. So What to do? Like, I don't know. This is probably out of all the shows we've done, this is probably like the most vulnerable I've been. This is this is something that haunts me. And it's just the weirdest thing, people have birthdays. It's supposed to be joyous, Some people don't like their birthdays as they're getting older. But I always remind them every year that you celebrate your birthday, it's a blessing. Like there's a lot of people that have passed away that I've known friends. family members and they haven't they passed away like prematurely. Like they haven't gone into like I'm a senior citizen geriatric person and take my like AARP like benefits. Lisa: speaking of geriatric person, so you know my mom's partner who like got drunk on my birthday and okay, and puked. Okay, Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: so it was like recommended on Facebook and it recommended him and I was like, fuck. And it had his profile picture. He gained so much weight. my god, life has not been good to him because he looked like when I say when I say fat I mean obese, okay? So like that level, like his belly was huge. Ken: So was he more fit when you well when he puked in front of you? Lisa: Like fitter Yeah, 'cause he had a Coke problem, so y it makes you skinny. But like but but the he Ken: yeah. Lisa: was like fat and he was there with the g with his new Ken: I know Lisa: lady and I was Nico Cola Cooked a Ken: I know, now he has a Coca Cola problem. Lisa: Coca Cola Coca Cola problem. Ken: He has a Coke problem. A diet Coke maybe. Lisa: my god. That's when I and then and I think I was like scrolling on his like timeline and I was like no that's him shit I was like stock you know lurking and it's it's I think he said something about having Parkinson's and people be like I'm so sorry you're going through that I'm like serves you right I was like karma takes her fucking time I don't know if I believe in karma but like you know what I mean? I know you but you're a believer in karma but I was like well if there's any justice in this world this is it This was me, I hope you know. Yeah, and then yeah. Yeah. yeah, and then right after Ken: You took you took satisfaction out of that 'cause you're petty and that person was not a good person to you. So it's fair. Lisa: I blocked him, because like it would show me as like, person you may know, and I'm like, no, no, no, I d I don't Ken: no. Lisa: want anything to do with this person. anyway, so I just wanted to leave it on that note because it was like Yeah, it's a downer, but look it Happy ending, right? For me. Woohoo! Fat Parkinson Fat Parkinson. Ken: Happy ending for you. I don't know about me. Lisa: Well yeah, I'm gonna I'm we're gonna go out to for your birthday. Ken: I still have that sense of dread and I can't get rid of it. Lisa: Well you know what? Cures dread, right? macaroni and cheese. Ken: Cool. that that is really good though. Lisa: Yeah. We should go. Ken: By the way, that place has really good Ahi Tuna. It's so good. It's so good. Now Lisa: I have not had their Ahituna. Their burgers are really good. Ken: that one thing that makes me happy is being around people I love on my birthday and good food. That is like Lisa: no, me too. Ken: a must. Sometimes I think, I really have to start drinking again. I really miss it. I miss drinking. I miss smoking. What am I w Lisa: You're like raw docking it. Well you have your Atavan. Ken: yeah, what what yeah, that stuff. But yeah, I really miss that stuff. I'm telling you, I really miss it. It's like I'm not like an alcoholic alcoholic before, but I was a heavy drinker, but I really miss it. Lisa: Mm. I would miss it too. Ken: And I know there's people I've met people that have had their chip that has had had their demons with that stuff. well, you know, I think with just how the state of my family and the world is right now, I could have a couple of drinks a week. Lisa: Alright, well I'm gonna have them right now. I know it's we've been at this for almost an hour and a half. All right, we could wrap this up. All right. Ken: This might is this is this another two episode thingy? Lisa: No, we could cut it down. We could cut it down to one. Yeah, I'm sure there's a we'll see, yeah. What you don't Ken: We'll see. Lisa: really know until like the editing, you're like, Ken: Well, you know, why not milk something? Even though like a thirty five minute episode could be two episodes. Lisa: Yeah, we'll we'll cross that bridge when we get there, I guess. Okay. Ore can? Well Ken: This was an intriguing conversation. I didn't cry. That's a plus. Lisa: Well. I didn't I didn't I Ken: You didn't cry either. That's a plus. Lisa: guess, you know. Ken: Will crying be better? Well, no, no, no, no, no no, I don't think that's good. we can't end this episode on a depression note. we Lisa: No, we have on a high note. Yes. Ken: have to have we have to do a palate cleanser, so Lisa: So yes, make sure that your haters are fat and they have Parkinson's and No. Ken: Is it is it mean to like I know other people have done this where they're like, I hate that person. Lisa: No. I don't know what you're gonna say. Ken: That person used to bully me in high school. they're fat now? great. It's like Because Lisa, like Maury has done episodes about this. This person used to bully me, and I want them to know that I'm really hot now. It's a whole episode thing. Remember, I was like, I'm hot, and this guy used to bully me. Lisa: yeah. yeah yeah. I don't yeah. I remember that. But now now I'm skinny and I have big tits and whatever. Yeah, you know, it's funny you say that because like I've rent people from high school and I'm a I'm a lot better looking now, let's just say that. I was not cute in high school. Like I was not a cute there's no need to Ken: I never saw any of your high school pictures, so Lisa: Yeah. Ken: Was it that bad? Lisa: Yeah. Ken: Can't be that bad. Lisa: Wait wait. I was not I made sure I was never in it. Ken: I show you my yearbook picture, you should show me your yearbook picture. Lisa: No. But not show up. Dude Ken: What? How you do that? Lisa: or picture day. There's no record of me. No. The the my name wasn't Ken: So you just like had like no picture next to your name? Lisa: even on there. Ken: I was in the yearbook a couple of times. Lisa: did Ken: I won nice hair. Yeah. Lisa: you? Yeah I didn't Ken: yeah, apparently my hair was I got a lot of people to vote for my hair. Lisa: Y you have nice Asian hair. Ken: Ironic thing was I cut my hair right before the picture, not knowing that it was Lisa: Picture day. Ken: knowing that it was like picture day for for well, it was called the Hall Lisa: No. Ken: of Fame. they and they voted on it and I Lisa: I'm not Ken: want best hair. And anybody that knows me right now, I'm getting pretty up there in age. Like I I'm considered a middle aged person, right? a nice I still have a nice set of hair. I mean like I still have nice hair. Lisa: Shut up. I I feel attacked. About the being called middle aged, okay? Ken: I think people were gonna call us middle aged. Lisa: hush hush hush hush. Ken: And you know what you could tell They're always usually someone that's way younger than us and we could go tell to go suck a dick. Lisa: D Ken: So we could say whatever the fuck we want. Lisa: You'll suck a dick. Okay. Well, on that note, Ken: Yeah. Lisa: on that note. Excuse me. Sorry, I'm drinking out this bubbly water and it just makes me so hiccupy and burpee. Yeah. Ken: Busy. Lisa: But I'm addicted. I can't stop. I'm addicted. Like it's so good. I know. I'm Ken: man, that's g you know that makes you gassy, right? Lisa: addicted though. I can't I can't help it. I have to go to Costco and get like the gigantic thing. Ken: For some reason when you say you're addicted, I'm just thinking of like a R and B song in my head. Babe Like something something by like CeeLo Green or like like R. Kelly, something about being addicted. Addicted Lisa: Okay. Uh-huh. Ken: to bubbly. Well, we know what R. Kelly is addicted to. Lisa: Uhhuh. yeah. Ken: Dave Chappelle told us that 25 years ago. We should have known. Dude, Lisa: Drip drip drip. Drip drip drip. That's what I'm gonna say. Let people let's see it. Ken: you know what's crazy? I've met people that have not been born when that skit came out and they still know what it is. Lisa: it must have gone viral or on YouTube or something. Ken: That thing came out in like two thousand one or two or something like that. I know people that were born in like two thousand four that like know what that is. So Lisa: The actually I think that's really cool. I'm gl like Ken: Honestly, they're playing Dave Chappelle's show, like that sketch comedy show, somewhere. At all times. at any given time, Friends is on television. Survivor, whatever season's on television. So what a world we live in, huh? Lisa: I know. Alright, Kenneth. Ken: I know. Lisa: I'm gonna get going. We've been sitting for so long, my butt's hurting. So I'm gonna I'm gonna I need to I need to stretch my Ken: I know. Lisa: legs. All right. Ken: yeah. Time to get up and my ass has a cramp. Lisa: My a yes Alright S crump Yeah, it's it's Ken: Asscramp. That's a good RB song, Ass Cramp. Lisa: something our R Kelly would sing. Ken: I know. Is this enough levity for you guys? Is this enough of a palate cleanser, you you people? Lisa: Yeah Gonna go my ass cramp an ass cramp Ken: Okay, so I'm gonna I'm gonna start mixing a song. I'm gonna go to like a garage band, maybe try to do like a Lisa: Yeah. No do AI. AI does it. Like you just put stuff through AI and it c it whiffs out a song. Ken: I can't do it. You know how I am. I want to do it the old fashioned way. there was one guy on frickin' YouTube that said we were AI slop. Do we sound like AI? Lisa: Well, 'cause there's no it's just v audio. There's no video. Ken: I think everybody's thinking that if they don't see it you like talking on a video, they think it's AI. I was like, have you kids never Lisa: Yeah. Ken: heard of radio? Yeah, fuck that guy. Fucking troll. Lisa: You know, all our haters actually make you famous because it's like you're just getting our engagement is increasing every time you leave a message and Ken: yeah, yeah. One more thing. Guess what? We all we hit we hit a thousand streams. We hit a thousand Lisa: Wo ho yes we did. Ken: streams. This is amazing. I can't we we we made it. So the next thing is what? Make it to twenty episodes? That's our next call. Lisa: Yes, and we'll be the one percent. Yeah, mm one day. I mean literally next month. Ken: Yeah. One day, one day we'll be in your living room. we just need to have Dr. Romani on the show, and that's the goal, right? Lisa: That's the that's my end goal, yes. And then that's when you'll see me cry. Yeah, well Ken: That's our end goal. We're gonna do a theme song for her. Lisa: that's when you'll really see me cry. Ken: That's when we turn on the camera 'cause it's like it's it yeah. Lisa: that one I know, fuck. Put makeup on and everything. Ken: Okay. Lisa: Okay. Ken: Hopefully that happens by like episode fifty, maybe? Episode hundred? Have goals. Okay. Lisa: Sure. Okay. Alright, Ken. good chatting with you. We'll talk soon and Alright. Peace out. Bye. Ken: Okay. Bye Lisa. Bye everyone.