Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #565 Pushing Our Buttons

Transcript

#565 Pushing Our Buttons · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 3: Now, if we're saying that we have these buttons or
• 0:13
  Speaker 3: we have these triggers, what we're actually doing is we're
• 0:15
  Speaker 3: giving away our power to anyone or anything that pushes
• 0:19
  Speaker 3: those buttons or pulls those triggers.
• 0:21
  Speaker 4: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
• 0:24
  Speaker 4: and dad.
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: Every now and again I hear a phrase come out
• 0:27
  Speaker 3: of the mouths of parents that makes me think I've
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: got to do a podcast about that. And I heard
• 0:32
  Speaker 3: it again recently. Hello, this is doctor Justin Coilson. I'm
• 0:35
  Speaker 3: the founder of Happy Families dot com dot you. I'm
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: here with Kylie, my wife, mum.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: To our six kids. I have a quick question for you.
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: Now, for anyone who can't see, which is everyone listening
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: to the podcast, I'm poking you right now. Poking don't
• 0:48
  Speaker 3: don't poke me there, that's not you push my buttons. Oh,
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: I wasn't expecting you to poke me back. I was
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: going to ask how it felt for me to poke you,
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: and then you started poking me back, and you went
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: for my and then for my neck. There are uncomfortable
• 1:02
  Speaker 3: places to be poked. I didn't appreciate that was just
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: poking your leg.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: Did I push your buttons?
• 1:07
  Speaker 4: Did I?
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: So?
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: Our words create our world? Do you like that our
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: words create our world?
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: Oh? You must have a PhD.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: I stop it.
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: I can't believe that you pulled that one out. So
• 1:18
  Speaker 3: you're really trying to push all my buttons today, aren't you.
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: We use this phrase all the time, and the words that.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: We use actually create our reality.
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: We literally have the capacity to create the way we feel,
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: the way we're the way we're doing, just by the
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: words we use. And I keep on hearing this phrase.
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: I've used it myself. I know you've used it. Speaking
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: about children. Parents will often say they just know how
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: to push my buttons.
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: It's interesting last week we actually had a conversation on
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: Tuesday about the power that words have, and it just
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: reminds me of that so often there are things that
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: we say that create the very thing that we don't want.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: I really hope this doesn't happen and we focus on
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: it so much that it becomes the reality.
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's funny. Over the last couple of weeks,
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: We've had a little bit of a shift in our
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: family and our eldest daughter needed to rehome her dog.
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: And yes, so so background for people who missed this
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: years ago, like four or five years ago, our daughter
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: broke up with her boyfriend and she went to the
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: RSPCA look at some dogs, and I distinctly said, do
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: not do not buy a dog.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: Do not come home with a dog.
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: If you'd come home with a dog, I'm going to
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: take it straight back to the RSPCA.
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: Did you take it back to the RSPCA.
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: No, And I didn't do it because she threatened to
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: it on Facebook and tell everybody that doctor justin calls
• 2:42
  Speaker 3: and her father, the parenting expert, wouldn't let her have
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: a dog, and actually took it back to the RSPCA.
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: She made me look like I was going to be
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: a horrible dad if I did it. It wasn't quite
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: that bad, although she did hint that that could be
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: a possibility, but she really said, you'll be a horrible
• 2:54
  Speaker 3: dad if you do it. And she came home with
• 2:56
  Speaker 3: the dog. And for the last how many years, four
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: or five years, this dog has live with us until
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: we couldn't have the dog living with us anymore, live
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: with her in laws because she's married and has a
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: husband and his parents. Took on the dog for a
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: little while, lived with friends, lived all over the place.
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: The one person who hasn't really looked after the dog
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: since she bought.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: It is the one who bought it.
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: She pushed my buttons. I should have taken the dog
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: back anyway. She's in a situation now where she has
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: to find a new home for the dog.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: And she absolutely loves this dog and she would love
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: to live with it, but right now her living situation
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: means that she can't have Coda in her space, so
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: we've been looking for a place for her to be rehomed.
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: She's just lucky that one of her aunties has a
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: very big heart. They already have a dog. She's only
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: a puppy. She's about twelve twelve to eighteen months old now,
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: and they wanted to get a second dog because she
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: Hazel is her name. She's on her own all day
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: while everyone's at school and work, and so she said, yeah,
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: that's fine, bring her up and we'll have a go
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: for all intents and purposes. Obviously, introducing two new dogs
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: to the equation can often be really ricky, so we
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: weren't sure how it would go. And Hazel has been
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: used to being queen and Coder is used to.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: Being numeral only child.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: For the mistakes, but for the most part, they have
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: socialized really, really well. Except Hazel's a little bit younger. Obviously,
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: she's still a puppy. She's a lot more enthusiastic than
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: Coder is. These days.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: Puppies are so cute.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: And I was over there babysitting the other day and
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: I watched as Hazel literally it was like she was
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: pointing her finger, but she was using her nuzzle, obviously,
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: and she would just go up to Coder, who was
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: relaxing in the sun, you know, lying out on her
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: back or her side, and Hazel would just poke, and
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: when she didn't get a response, she'd poked somewhere else.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: And she didn't get a response, she poked, and she poked,
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: and she poked, and she poked and.
• 4:46
  Speaker 4: She poked and kind of took it for quite a while,
• 4:50
  Speaker 4: and even to the point where she actually rolled over
• 4:52
  Speaker 4: and gave her more access, right, But then Hazel would
• 4:56
  Speaker 4: find a spot and before.
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: You knew it, she was up and she gave a
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: good grow to let her know that she'd pushed too
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: far right right then, and then Hazelul kind of jump
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: back and look at her and go, but I want
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: to play.
• 5:09
  Speaker 3: But I think that's a lot like I think that's
• 5:11
  Speaker 3: a lot like what a lot of parents do, right.
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: They let the kids poke and poke and poke and
• 5:15
  Speaker 3: poke and poke until finally they say that's it. I've
• 5:16
  Speaker 3: had enough, and they get up and they growl at
• 5:18
  Speaker 3: the kids, and then they say, this kid just keeps on.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: Pushing my buttons.
• 5:23
  Speaker 3: And I think that we're giving our children a lot
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: of power, Like we're not puppy dogs.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: We're adults.
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: Where humans we've got the capacity to do a whole
• 5:30
  Speaker 3: lot of things that dogs don't have the capacity for,
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: in terms of regulation of behavior, and in terms of
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: imagination and creativity and working through these kinds of things,
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: even the way we communicate. And yet a lot of
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: parents will say, the kids are pushing my buttons. So
• 5:46
  Speaker 3: let's have a conversation about how to empower parents to
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: not let the kids push their buttons so much. We'll
• 5:51
  Speaker 3: talk about some solutions how you can stop. I can't
• 5:53
  Speaker 3: believe we talked about dogs for half a podcasts. We're
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: going to talk about some solutions for how you can
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: help to ensure that the kids aren't pushing your buttons
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: because you're protecting them well and communicating well and doing
• 6:04
  Speaker 3: all the right things right after the break. Starting school
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: is an exciting time, but it can also be a
• 6:13
  Speaker 3: little worrying. The Starting School Activity Book is a printable
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: workbook that will help prepare your little one for the
• 6:19
  Speaker 3: first thrilling school days and give you tips on the
• 6:22
  Speaker 3: best ways to talk about all the new things they're
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: going to experience. Perfect for kindie, preschool, or big school,
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: and absolutely free online at Happy families dot com dot
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: a you.
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Family's podcast, the podcast for a time
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers. Now.
• 6:38
  Speaker 3: I think, Kylie, that when it comes to kids pushing
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: our buttons, we need to remember that there are our buttons.
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: We are the ones who need to protect our buttons,
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: not just leave the buttons out there for the kids
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: to go pushing and poking. But you and I both
• 6:53
  Speaker 3: know that kids are irrational, kids are immature, Kids are
• 6:58
  Speaker 3: not going to regulatearticularly well. Kids are going to have
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: a hard time, And if we wanted to have a
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: convenient life, we probably shouldn't have had kids. So when
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: it comes to buttons being pushed, what's really going on
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: here is we're kind of going and I know that
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: there are some parents who are absolutely straining right now.
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: There are some parents who are going, no, they really
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: are pushing my buttons. These kids are looking for opportunities
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: to get at me, but they don't like the kids
• 7:21
  Speaker 3: don't wake up in the morning and think, all right,
• 7:23
  Speaker 3: today's the day.
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: In today's today's.
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: Day, I'm going to ruin my parents' lives. Today is
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: the day that I'm going to do everything I can
• 7:32
  Speaker 3: to upset everything.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: You put them in time out.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: You might have that, yeah, but that's the thing.
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: So we actually we create a scenario where the kids
• 7:39
  Speaker 3: feel obligated, They feel like they have no choice but
• 7:42
  Speaker 3: to but to resist us and get upset with us.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: I think about my early years as a parent, and
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: specifically obviously being a mother, and feeling the exhaustion and
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: the overwhelm at times and the stretch that parenting required,
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: and I think the biggest thing for me personally in
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: feeling like the kids were pushing my buttons is number
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: one not actually understanding what my buttons were. For starters,
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: and not actually understanding what my threshold was.
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: So let me ask you a question, and I want
• 8:18
  Speaker 3: everybody who's listening to the podcast to consider this question
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: as well. Buttons is just a fancy way of saying
• 8:23
  Speaker 3: that you've got something that triggers you. And I'm really
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: uncomfortable with this, because again, words create worlds. If we're
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: saying that we have these buttons or we have these triggers,
• 8:33
  Speaker 3: what we're actually doing is we're giving away our power
• 8:37
  Speaker 3: to anyone or anything that pushes those buttons or pulls
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: those triggers. We're actually saying, you can make me feel angry,
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: you can make me feel upset.
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: That's not what I'm saying, though. What I'm saying that
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: is because of the external circumstances that I found myself
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: in as a mum, feeling tired and stretched, I didn't
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: actually allow myself to under stand why I felt the
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: way I did.
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: Great, Okay, that's a much more refined way of saying
• 9:06
  Speaker 3: what you were saying before.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: So it's not it was. It was never about my children.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: We talked about myths the other week in lots of ways.
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: It was that desperate need to be the best mum
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: I could be, and I thought I needed to self
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: sacrifice in order to do it, but in the process
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: I didn't give myself the time I needed to be
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: the best mum I could be.
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: Okay, So, for the sake of simplicity, let's use the
• 9:29
  Speaker 3: words triggers and buttons for this conversation. What and anyone
• 9:34
  Speaker 3: who's participating in this podcast right now can join in
• 9:37
  Speaker 3: the conversation mentally, what other things that What are your buttons?
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: What are your triggers? What are the things that actually
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: do set you off?
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: It's the same things as it is whether you're two
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: or you're sixty two. Uh huh, it's holds, it's being hungry, yep,
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: it's being alone, angry, hungry, angry, lonely, lonely, tired, stressed,
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: or sick. They're the same things.
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: So they're really big triggers because ultimately, when somebody's pushing
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: a button, what they're doing is they're wearing down your willpower.
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: In other words, you've got you've sort of got this.
• 10:12
  Speaker 3: Let's imagine that willpower exists a in a fixed amount,
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: in like a quantity, and the more that people push
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: those buttons, the more the willpower drops, just like the
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: puppy dog getting poke, poke, poke, and then it goes
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: It's like you've just poked me one too many times.
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: So if I choose not to have breakfast in the morning,
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: and then i choose not to have lunch, but I've
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: snacked on a chocolate bar because it's convenient and it
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: gives me the rush that I need by mid afternoon,
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: I'm never going to show up as the best mom
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: I can.
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: So that's that's really curious to me as well, because
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: what that suggests is that the button isn't the child
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: behaving in a particular way. It's your incapacity to deal
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: with it because you're not looking after yourself. Didn't get
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: enough sleep last night. Same again. In other words, if
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: we don't want our kids to be pushing out what,
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: we can't empower our children in that way. We can't
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: actually say to our kids, you have so much power
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: over me that you can control my emotions. We've got
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: to regulate them ourselves, which means that we've got to
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: look after ourselves effectively. Is that what you're saying, Yeah, totally,
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: that's great because that's where I was going to go.
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: I wanted to just highlight that we need to set
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: ourselves up to succeed, not to fail, which means that
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: to the extent that it's possible, we want to minimize
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: this the overwhelming stresses in our lives. We want to
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: make sure we're sleeping enough, eating right, doing all the
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: stuff that we know we're supposed to well.
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: And the reality is, if you've got a young family,
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: you might not actually have any say over how much
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: sleep you get right or disrupted sleep, I should say,
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: but you can choose to go to bed as soon
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: as the baby goes down instead of staying up and
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: watching Netflix because you need time out, sure, and give
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: yourself the extra time that's needed to be rested.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: So what this really comes down to is intention comes
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: down to intention.
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, there are lots of factors in a day to
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: day life of a mum that you don't actually have control,
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: but if you make intentional steps to fill the gaps
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: where you can, you're going to show up better.
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: So I'm thinking of a mum that I know, she's
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: on the south coast of New South Wales, got a
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: bunch of kids with massive anxiety, lots of other additional needs.
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: Has also started fostering somebody as well at a distant
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: relatives come into the home and they've been fostering there,
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: and I'm kind of thinking all of those stresses that
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: are placed on her mean that her buttons are going
• 12:29
  Speaker 3: to be that much closer to the surface and that
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: much more unprotected because there's just so much more going on.
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: And so if we want to really minimize the impact
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: that kids are going to have on our buttons, it
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: means that we've got to try to somehow recognize that,
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: Number one, your child is going to be irrational and
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: immature and do things that show a lack of regulation,
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: and just acknowledging that and knowing that is going to
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: help you to not be so responsive when that button
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: is pushed, because why, well, they're just being children. This
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: is who they are and how they are. And the
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: second thing is our kids need our help. So when
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: they're quote unquote pushing our buttons, what they're really saying
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: is I have an unmet need. I need some attention,
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: I need some focus, I need some connection. I need
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: something from you. Maybe I'm not feeling safe and I'm
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: making sure that I get that safety from you.
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: I wish I understood this concept as a young mum
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: as well. As I do now. But when our children's
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: emotions are really big, what they actually need is a
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: safe harbor with which they can express those emotions. And
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: that means that they need our calm more than ever
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: before in that space, because when we lose it while
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: they're losing it, they it's like we've literally left them
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: out at sea, that they're in a choppy, stormy sea
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: and nothing feel safe.
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: There's a formula called the wind formula that I talk
• 14:01
  Speaker 3: about every now and again. WIN stands for wonder, imagine.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: Notice.
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: When your children are again quote unquote pushing your buttons,
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: you can use WIN as a formula to get curious,
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: not furious. And I think this is really the solution
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: to kids pushing buttons is to step back, create a
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: bit of distance, and say things like I wonder, or
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: I imagine, or I notice. That's the wind formula, wonder, imagine, notice,
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: and you can finish the sentence, I wonder what's been
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: going on for you today? You seem to have ants
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: in your pants, you seem to be really excited, you
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: seem to be really stressed, you seem to be really tired.
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: I wonder, I wonder what's happened for you today, or
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: I wonder why you are enjoying niggling me so much?
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: What if I turn around I tickle you, will that
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: be so? I wonder, is a way that you can
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: start to think out loud about the emotions that you're
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: seeing in your child. I imagine, I imagine you must
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: be so hungry, or I imagine you must be so bored,
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: or I imagine you must be so And again we're stepping
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: into their emotions. This is how we kind of move
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: into the emotion coaching process. I notice, I notice that
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: every time I ask you to do something today, you're
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: getting frustrated and annoyed, and you just wish that.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: I would leave you alone.
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: I noticed that, and so we use these phrases. I wonder,
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: I notice, I wonder. I imagine, I notice to get curious,
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: not furious. And I think that when our kids are
• 15:22
  Speaker 3: pushing out buttons, if we can use those phrases, it's
• 15:25
  Speaker 3: going to make a difference. I have one other idea
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: that I want to share, and that is, when our
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: kids are pushing out buttons, what would happen if we
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: recruited them to our team. What if they were pushing
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: out buttons while we're trying to get the house tidy,
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: the room cleaned, the dinner cooked, the family in the
• 15:38
  Speaker 3: car or whatever, and we said, wow, let's work.
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: Together on this.
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: What if we could recruit them to join us in
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: the activity that we're doing, we could probably get them
• 15:48
  Speaker 3: onto our side. And all of a sudden, our buttons
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: are not being pushed anymore.
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: It's interesting I shared last week on that I'll Do
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: Better Tomorrow episode in relation to Emily and how I
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: just I had to slow down. She had an emotional outburst,
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: it was bigger than ben her and just slowing down
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: and stopping. And so sometimes it will be a matter
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: of involving our kids in what we're doing, but other
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: times it will actually be letting go of the agenda
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: right and stopping and kind of just taking the time
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: to becolm with each other. That can reset and do
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: what you know, help you to move on.
• 16:25
  Speaker 3: So the take I message from this really is that
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: it's up to us whether or not the kids push
• 16:29
  Speaker 3: our buttons or let me rephrase, they can push all
• 16:32
  Speaker 3: the buttons they want. It's up to us how we'll react.
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: I know that when my buttons are being pushed and
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: I've got an audience. When there's people who can see me,
• 16:39
  Speaker 3: I'm very very patient. I can put a smile on
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: my face. I can love my kids like crazy, even
• 16:43
  Speaker 3: though they're driving me up the wall. And when I'm
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: on my own and I'm exhausted, I'm tired, and I've
• 16:47
  Speaker 3: got an agenda and I've got my own stuff that
• 16:48
  Speaker 3: i have to do, they're pushing my buttons. Can I
• 16:52
  Speaker 3: can respond in a very very different way. So it's
• 16:56
  Speaker 3: really up to us. Our kids either push our buttons
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: or they don't. And that's kind of irrelevant. It's what
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: we do when those buttons are pushed. Do we give
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: our kids that much power over us? Or do we
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: take the power back, decide and start to tune into
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: them and wonder, imagine, or notice why they're pushing those
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: buttons in the first place. The Happy Family's podcast is
• 17:17
  Speaker 3: produced by Justin.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: Ruhlant for Bridge Media.
• 17:19
  Speaker 3: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If you'd like more
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: and fall about making your family happier, we would love
• 17:23
  Speaker 3: for you to join us on our Facebook page, Doctor
• 17:25
  Speaker 3: Justin Coulson's Happy Families, or at happy families dot com.
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: Dore