Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / July 26, 2020 | [re]START - Restart Relationships (Craig Congdon)

Transcript

July 26, 2020 | [re]START - Restart Relationships (Craig Congdon) · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

0:00
SPEAKER_00: Good morning.
0:01
SPEAKER_00: Man, even uh even clapping during that.
0:04
SPEAKER_00: I love it.
0:04
SPEAKER_00: We got some spirit in here today.
0:07
SPEAKER_00: If you don't know me, uh my name's Craig Congdon.
0:10
SPEAKER_00: Pastor Jim is down at uh Family Camp.
0:12
SPEAKER_00: Got to go down, spend some time with uh some of his grandkids and uh be a part of the worship and that experience down there.
0:19
SPEAKER_00: If you've never gone to Family Camp, it's a great time.
0:21
SPEAKER_00: You should think about it next year as that uh comes back around.
0:24
SPEAKER_00: So I get the joy of continuing this restart series with you this morning.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: And our topic is to restart relationships.
0:34
SPEAKER_00: To restart relationships.
0:36
SPEAKER_00: We're gonna begin with a bit of a downer, though.
0:40
SPEAKER_00: The age of loneliness.
0:44
SPEAKER_00: Chronic loneliness, loneliness is a modern day epidemic.
0:51
SPEAKER_00: All phrases not brought up by me, but brought up by medical professionals in the last 10 years.
0:57
SPEAKER_00: Phrases used to describe us and our time, the time that we live in right now, an age of loneliness, that people suffer from chronic loneliness, and that there is the modern day epidemic of loneliness.
1:11
SPEAKER_00: And of course, this is all before COVID ever came into our lives.
1:16
SPEAKER_00: Not my phrases, but ones by medical professionals, and they had good reason to say so.
1:24
SPEAKER_00: If you travel back in time, 30, 40, almost 50 years now, into the 70s and 80s, and you did studies then and you asked, what percentage of Americans said that they felt lonely?
1:35
SPEAKER_00: And the number was somewhere between 10 and 20% from studies done then.
1:40
SPEAKER_00: Just 10 years ago in 2010, a study found that it was up to 40 to 45% of Americans who said that they regularly or frequently felt lonely.
1:50
SPEAKER_00: And in May of last year, 2019, a nationwide survey of 20,000 adults done by a health insurer, 54% of respondents said they feel like no one actually knows them well.
2:03
SPEAKER_00: 56% of people said the people around them are not necessarily with them, and approximately 40% said they lack companionship, that their relationships aren't meaningful, and that they feel isolated from others.
2:16
SPEAKER_00: Additionally, that survey found that younger Americans are hit harder by loneliness.
2:20
SPEAKER_00: But then again, the elderly are also quite lonely.
2:23
SPEAKER_00: A study done in the UK recently revealed that 40% of older people said that the television is their main company.
2:32
SPEAKER_00: A study in 2013 revealed that a higher percentage of women said they felt lonely than men.
2:39
SPEAKER_00: The study then went on to say this might also be because men seem far less likely to admit that they are lonely.
2:45
SPEAKER_00: Which would make sense because at the same time, some leading psychologists and therapists in the USA today say that only about 10% of men have any real friends.
2:57
SPEAKER_00: The highest number I found was a Harris poll conducted four years ago, 2016, that surveyed more than 2,000 Americans, and 72% of Americans said they experience loneliness.
3:09
SPEAKER_00: And one-third said they feel lonely at least once a week.
3:14
SPEAKER_00: You can either look at this potentially conflicting data and say, you see, studies are a bit unreliable, they've got no idea what they're talking about, or you can look at all these studies and say what seems to be pretty obvious, old, young, male, female, we really are a very lonely society.
3:32
SPEAKER_00: But how can this be?
3:33
SPEAKER_00: For I know for a fact that right now I have 1,282 friends, followers, subscribers, etc.
3:44
SPEAKER_00: Well, we know by now, thankfully, we've realized, most of us at least, that our electronic friendships, our electronic companionship really is no substitute for real friendship.
3:56
SPEAKER_00: And in fact, our electronic connections might be one of the leading causes of loneliness today.
4:03
SPEAKER_00: Several studies done lately show that if you use social media as a substitute for face-to-face interaction, it by far increases your feelings of loneliness.
4:14
SPEAKER_00: The issue of loneliness is so obvious that two years ago in January of 2018, the UK actually made a governmental position.
4:24
SPEAKER_00: You know, they have prime ministers, they have ministers of different areas, they made a minister for loneliness.
4:32
SPEAKER_00: That position still exists today, two and a half years later.
4:34
SPEAKER_00: They have a minister for loneliness saying, loneliness is the sad reality of modern day life.
4:43
SPEAKER_00: And loneliness is obviously a problem.
4:45
SPEAKER_00: It makes you feel terrible.
4:47
SPEAKER_00: Bad for your mental health, and the results from several studies also are quite conclusive that loneliness is very bad for your physical health as well.
4:55
SPEAKER_00: Loneliness and social isolation have been linked to heart disease, cancer, depression, diabetes, suicide.
5:01
SPEAKER_00: Long before COVID came around, a former U.S.
5:04
SPEAKER_00: uh.
5:23
SPEAKER_00: It saps us of our life, and I'm sure we all know what it's like to feel alone.
5:30
SPEAKER_00: Why is it that loneliness causes such a serious mental and physical effect on us?
5:39
SPEAKER_00: I think it's probably because loneliness goes against our very nature as human beings.
5:45
SPEAKER_00: That as human beings created in the image of God, God being a relational being, we therefore are relational beings at our very core.
5:56
SPEAKER_00: We are made for relationships.
5:58
SPEAKER_00: God, after all, has always existed in a relationship with Himself, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, when we were made to be like him.
6:04
SPEAKER_00: We were made to have relationships.
6:06
SPEAKER_00: And so when we go without relationships, we actually are going against our own nature.
6:13
SPEAKER_00: And so here we are struggling with loneliness as a society a few years ago, already called the epidemic of modern day life loneliness.
6:23
SPEAKER_00: And here comes COVID-19.
6:27
SPEAKER_00: Oh, you're already feeling isolated?
6:29
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we're gonna go ahead and mandate that you stay away from each other.
6:33
SPEAKER_00: You already struggle connecting to people.
6:35
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, let's put masks in front of our faces and let's say no touching, no handshakes, no hugs.
6:42
SPEAKER_00: You already feel distant, we're gonna mandate that you stay distant.
6:47
SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying that any of these things are the wrong moves to make.
6:50
SPEAKER_00: Let's just recognize that for a society already struggling with loneliness, this just got a lot worse for a whole lot of people.
6:58
SPEAKER_00: Take a few minutes and think to yourself.
7:01
SPEAKER_00: Do you feel closer or farther away from most of your friends now than you did six months ago?
7:06
SPEAKER_00: Do you feel more or less lonely?
7:08
SPEAKER_00: Have you been feeling more or less lonely?
7:11
SPEAKER_00: Do the friends and family members around you that you have contact with, do they seem more or less social now?
7:19
SPEAKER_00: Do they seem like they're dealing with loneliness?
7:24
SPEAKER_00: We need a restart, and we need to restart on relationships.
7:29
SPEAKER_00: But how do we combat the loneliness problem?
7:32
SPEAKER_00: Some of these same studies that I referenced earlier suggested some solutions, but one article says solutions to loneliness are often not possible to standardize.
7:41
SPEAKER_00: This is an area of research that needs more work and debate.
7:44
SPEAKER_00: But if only the author of this study knew his Bible, then they'd realize that God has already given us insight on how to combat loneliness.
7:52
SPEAKER_00: Because in the end, the solution to our loneliness problem, the solution that we need is we restart our relationships.
7:59
SPEAKER_00: The solution, of course, is simply deep, genuine, lasting friendships.
8:04
SPEAKER_00: And one of the great books on friendship in Scripture is actually the book of Proverbs.
8:09
SPEAKER_00: While Proverbs has a lot to say about relationships, we're gonna look at just a couple of the Proverbs and focus on three principles for restarting our relationships, three characteristics that you need to develop deeper friendships and combat this age of loneliness.
8:25
SPEAKER_00: So let's jump in.
8:26
SPEAKER_00: The first characteristic that we need as we restart relationships is that a good friend is present.
8:35
SPEAKER_00: A good friend is present.
8:37
SPEAKER_00: Let's look at a couple different Proverbs.
8:38
SPEAKER_00: At least one of these I'm guessing you'll know quite well.
8:41
SPEAKER_00: Proverbs 18, 24 a man, a man of many companions may come to ruin.
8:48
SPEAKER_00: But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
8:52
SPEAKER_00: Anybody know that little song?
8:54
SPEAKER_00: I grew up singing it.
8:54
SPEAKER_00: I think here there is a friend, a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
8:58
SPEAKER_00: No?
8:59
SPEAKER_00: Okay, maybe this was just like a weird Congden song.
9:02
SPEAKER_00: Is this what I'm getting here?
9:04
SPEAKER_00: All right, there are plenty of those.
9:07
SPEAKER_00: A man of many companions may come to ruin.
9:11
SPEAKER_00: Because notice, a man of many companions.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: And this is what we have today, right?
9:16
SPEAKER_00: Social interaction, you got a whole lot of companions.
9:20
SPEAKER_00: But how many of those are what we should really deem friends?
9:24
SPEAKER_00: But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
9:27
SPEAKER_00: What's the difference between the companions and the friend here?
9:29
SPEAKER_00: The friend is one who sticks close, is by your side, as there in your life is present, who sticks, this great word of clinging, sort of adheres tightly to you.
9:41
SPEAKER_00: Always present when you need them.
9:44
SPEAKER_00: Always by your side through tough times.
9:46
SPEAKER_00: Another proverb here, Proverbs 27, 10.
9:49
SPEAKER_00: Do not forsake your friend and your father's friend.
9:52
SPEAKER_00: Do not enter your brother's house in the day of your disaster.
9:55
SPEAKER_00: Notice this last part a neighbor nearby is better than a brother far away.
10:04
SPEAKER_00: Do not forsake your friends.
10:06
SPEAKER_00: A neighbor nearby is better than a brother far away.
10:11
SPEAKER_00: How can that be?
10:11
SPEAKER_00: How can it be that a neighbor nearby is better than a brother far away?
10:15
SPEAKER_00: Brother should be closer, but the idea here is that the nearbyness, the proximity, the actual presence, physical presence of someone in your life is simply better for friendship.
10:28
SPEAKER_00: Both these proverbs tell us that a good friend is gonna be present.
10:33
SPEAKER_00: They stick close.
10:35
SPEAKER_00: Better is a neighbor who is nearby, because in the area of friendship, your actual presence matters a great deal.
10:43
SPEAKER_00: And these days we struggle with being present.
10:46
SPEAKER_00: Be honest, we struggle with being present in two different ways.
10:50
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we struggle with being present, and sometimes we struggle with being present.
10:55
SPEAKER_00: We struggle with being present, and we we need to be present physically first and foremost.
11:00
SPEAKER_00: We need to actually be in the room with people.
11:04
SPEAKER_00: And this is what COVID has just torn apart from us.
11:08
SPEAKER_00: Suddenly, we're told you're not supposed to be in the same room as other people.
11:11
SPEAKER_00: If so, you're supposed to be as far away from them as possible.
11:15
SPEAKER_00: And when COVID first hit, it was stay home unless you're essential.
11:19
SPEAKER_00: How offensive was that?
11:20
SPEAKER_00: Some of us, I'm not essential.
11:22
SPEAKER_00: Come on.
11:23
SPEAKER_00: Only go out for the essentials.
11:26
SPEAKER_00: Stay home, stay isolated.
11:29
SPEAKER_00: And this just goes against the very fabric of what real friendship needs.
11:33
SPEAKER_00: It needs physical presence in life.
11:35
SPEAKER_00: To restart relationships, you gotta find a way to be present physically with people.
11:42
SPEAKER_00: While I'm so thankful we have the ability to use devices to connect, the truth is it's just not the same.
11:48
SPEAKER_00: There is no substitute for being in the room with somebody.
11:53
SPEAKER_00: So it's time to restart by being physically present with people.
11:57
SPEAKER_00: Get together, get together in masks, get together outside, get together in ways that you and your friends are all comfortable with.
12:04
SPEAKER_00: That's fine, but be present in each other's lives again.
12:08
SPEAKER_00: One of my friends just invited eight or so of us over to his house.
12:12
SPEAKER_00: We hung out in his backyard, came in through the back gate, set lown chairs around a fire, and we were able to talk and laugh.
12:20
SPEAKER_00: Just being present with people is so important.
12:24
SPEAKER_00: Because a good friend has to be present, but also a good friend has to be present.
12:29
SPEAKER_00: And you probably know already where I'm going with this, uh, that these devices are fantastic at times, but then again, sometimes people are present and then they're they're not really present because they're present.
12:42
SPEAKER_00: Uh when you're in a room with somebody, can can you actually be present as well as present?
12:50
SPEAKER_00: There are people I'm sure that you know in your own life, and maybe if you're real honest, you're one of them, who sometimes, when you're present physically, you're just not really there mentally.
13:01
SPEAKER_00: You're really not invested mentally and emotionally, and often it's because the device in your pocket or it's because you got something else going on in your brain, right?
13:08
SPEAKER_00: Because your head is somewhere else, your head's up in the clouds, thinking about what you gotta do next week, and you're not really actually connecting with the people in front of you.
13:20
SPEAKER_00: If you struggle with these things, if you struggle with being on your phone too much, I mean, have you ever considered this thought?
13:26
SPEAKER_00: And it's a harsh one, but have you ever considered that when you're sitting in a room with somebody and you're on your device, that what it says to them and what they may be feeling is whatever is happening here for you is more important than they are to you.
13:46
SPEAKER_00: Can we learn to set that phone face down, put it on silent, leave it in the car, whatever you gotta do?
13:53
SPEAKER_00: Because a good friend is gonna be present and present.
13:56
SPEAKER_00: Which one do you need to work on?
13:59
SPEAKER_00: Because a true friend is present, they're nearby, they stick closer than a brother.
14:06
SPEAKER_00: To combat loneliness, to restart our relationships, a good friend needs to be present.
14:10
SPEAKER_00: But second Proverbs tells us that a good friend is gonna be considerate.
14:15
SPEAKER_00: Good friend is considerate.
14:16
SPEAKER_00: Let's look at another proverb here.
14:18
SPEAKER_00: I love this one.
14:20
SPEAKER_00: Like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, so is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.
14:32
SPEAKER_00: So is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.
14:35
SPEAKER_00: Some great imagery here.
14:37
SPEAKER_00: Some great uh great comparisons here.
14:39
SPEAKER_00: So is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.
14:41
SPEAKER_00: So what we're talking about is that person who sings songs to somebody who is grieving.
14:45
SPEAKER_00: Uh, and there's two words in the Hebrew for songs, right?
14:48
SPEAKER_00: We're talking about happy songs.
14:50
SPEAKER_00: There is a completely different word for lament.
14:54
SPEAKER_00: There's a difference between a song of grief and a happy song.
14:57
SPEAKER_00: This is uh right, you remember that um obnoxious, sorry, some of you probably loved it.
15:01
SPEAKER_00: That happy song by by Pharaoh Williams, right?
15:04
SPEAKER_00: Because I'm happy, and clap along all the time.
15:07
SPEAKER_00: And uh and it didn't at all get old hearing it everywhere you went all the time, 24-7.
15:13
SPEAKER_00: Um, right, but that that's that's what we're talking about.
15:17
SPEAKER_00: Somebody who walks into a room with someone who's grieving and like, let's clap along if you feel like you're really happy.
15:23
SPEAKER_00: Uh uh, can you be any more inconsiderate than singing happy songs to somebody who has a heavy heart?
15:30
SPEAKER_00: And the comparisons here are just great.
15:33
SPEAKER_00: Like one who takes off a garment on a cold day.
15:36
SPEAKER_00: Uh, we call that person dumb, uh not with it, not observant to what's happening in their surroundings.
15:47
SPEAKER_00: Imagine it's January and you're out there and you're like, yeah, I'll take my coat off.
15:51
SPEAKER_00: It's 12 degrees, but sure, why not?
15:54
SPEAKER_00: Like one who takes off a garment on a cool day.
15:56
SPEAKER_00: It's an absurd thought.
15:58
SPEAKER_00: It causes, in the end, needless pain.
16:02
SPEAKER_00: You want to cause pain to your friends?
16:04
SPEAKER_00: Be inconsiderate.
16:05
SPEAKER_00: Sing happy songs to somebody with a heavy heart.
16:07
SPEAKER_00: Second one's interesting, or like vinegar poured on soda.
16:12
SPEAKER_00: We're not talking about pop here.
16:13
SPEAKER_00: We're not talking about coke.
16:14
SPEAKER_00: Uh, or a couple thousand years before Coca-Cola came around.
16:17
SPEAKER_00: We're talking about baking soda, bicarbonate of soda, uh, and baking soda, even then, used for things like soap.
16:25
SPEAKER_00: They would combine it for oil, and then it's this great cleaning.
16:28
SPEAKER_00: But what happens when you pour vinegar on baking soda?
16:31
SPEAKER_00: It ruins it, it destroys it, it breaks it down.
16:34
SPEAKER_00: You want to know a quick way to ruin a friendship?
16:37
SPEAKER_00: Sing happy songs to a heavy heart.
16:40
SPEAKER_00: Because a good friend has got to be considerate.
16:46
SPEAKER_00: Uh Proverbs is telling us, look, a real friend, a real friend is going to be sensitive.
16:51
SPEAKER_00: They're going to see the needs and the wants of somebody in front of them, they're going to consider that.
16:56
SPEAKER_00: Considerate friends know what a friend needs and wants and acts to make it happen.
17:03
SPEAKER_00: If you don't really know exactly what it means to be considerate, if this feels like too broad of a word, just break it down into the first half, right?
17:10
SPEAKER_00: Just get rid of the ut part.
17:12
SPEAKER_00: What does it mean to be considerate?
17:14
SPEAKER_00: It means you consider others, not yourself.
17:19
SPEAKER_00: Or you consider what do they need?
17:21
SPEAKER_00: What does my friend need?
17:24
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it'll help you to think about what does it mean to be inconsiderate.
17:28
SPEAKER_00: You know, just consider if there were three men and they were marooned on a desert island, and then a genie appears and says, Hey, you get three wishes, but you gotta divide them, so one wish for each of you.
17:39
SPEAKER_00: And these three guys have been stranded for years, and the first one looks at them and says, Hey, I miss my job.
17:43
SPEAKER_00: It was so fulfilling, it meant so much to me.
17:46
SPEAKER_00: I want to get back and go back to work, and so poof, he's gone.
17:50
SPEAKER_00: Second guy says, I miss my wife and my kids.
17:53
SPEAKER_00: I need to be back present with them.
17:55
SPEAKER_00: It's been years since I've seen them.
17:57
SPEAKER_00: Poof, gone.
17:59
SPEAKER_00: Jeannie looks at the third guy and says, What's your wish?
18:01
SPEAKER_00: He says, I don't really like it here alone.
18:04
SPEAKER_00: Can I have my friends back?
18:05
SPEAKER_00: Poof, here they are.
18:08
SPEAKER_00: That's a little bit inconsiderate, right?
18:09
SPEAKER_00: You gotta consider the needs, the wants, the desires of other people around you.
18:13
SPEAKER_00: But how many of us find ourselves considering ourselves first and foremost?
18:19
SPEAKER_00: Considering what we want, what we need.
18:24
SPEAKER_00: To be considerate has got to begin with listening.
18:26
SPEAKER_00: You can't consider what everybody else wants if you never listen to other people.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: Ever tried to express yourself to a person who you could tell was preoccupied, was a little distracted, wasn't really listening.
18:41
SPEAKER_00: Considerate people make us feel good.
18:47
SPEAKER_00: You probably know who the considerate people are in your life because you think, I just love being around that person.
18:53
SPEAKER_00: They make me feel like I matter.
18:57
SPEAKER_00: Queen Victoria, the Queen of England for much of the 1800s, had two very famous prime ministers.
19:03
SPEAKER_00: One was William Gladstone, the other was Benjamin Disraeli.
19:07
SPEAKER_00: She said, after having both of them as prime ministers, she said of William Gladstone, when I was with him, I felt I was with one of the most important people in the world.
19:17
SPEAKER_00: But of Benjamin Disraeli, she said, when I was with him, he made me feel as if I am one of the most important people in the world.
19:28
SPEAKER_00: Because that's what it means to be around people who are considerate.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: They make you feel as if you're important.
19:35
SPEAKER_00: Considerate friends make us feel this way.
19:39
SPEAKER_00: When was the last time you made someone else feel this way, as if they were the most important person in the world?
19:47
SPEAKER_00: This is what considerate friends do.
19:48
SPEAKER_00: They sense and recognize the needs of others and they do what they can to see those needs fulfilled.
19:55
SPEAKER_00: Good friend is gonna be considerate.
19:58
SPEAKER_00: So as we're restarting relationships, as we're combating loneliness, good friend has to be present.
20:04
SPEAKER_00: Good friend has to be considerate.
20:05
SPEAKER_00: Third, a good friend is intentional.
20:09
SPEAKER_00: A good friend is intentional.
20:11
SPEAKER_00: So look at what is probably the most famous proverb on friendship and relationships.
20:17
SPEAKER_00: Proverbs 27, 17.
20:19
SPEAKER_00: As iron sharpens iron, so a person sharpens his friend.
20:26
SPEAKER_00: As iron sharpens iron.
20:29
SPEAKER_00: This passage about one piece of iron making the other sharper.
20:33
SPEAKER_00: It makes it better, it makes it more useful.
20:38
SPEAKER_00: Speaks about an intentional relationship where the people there are present, are together, are in this friendship in order to make each other better people.
20:49
unknown: Right?
20:49
SPEAKER_00: They're actually there to make a difference in each other's lives.
20:53
SPEAKER_00: And the image of iron sharpening iron is not one of ease and comfort.
20:57
SPEAKER_00: How does something become sharper?
20:59
SPEAKER_00: It gets beat on.
21:00
SPEAKER_00: There's sparks.
21:01
SPEAKER_00: It's literally knocking off the useless obstructive pieces.
21:07
SPEAKER_00: Intentional relationships can be something like this: that sharpening of edges.
21:15
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes this sharpening simply means encouraging and lifting up and praying for.
21:21
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes this sharpening means accountability and confrontation.
21:25
SPEAKER_00: What this sharpening, what this intentional relationship definitely means is that you talk about things that matter.
21:33
SPEAKER_00: That intentional friends dive into each other's hearts and emotions.
21:38
SPEAKER_00: They discuss spiritual matters, they encourage, they pray, they they talk about stuff that actually matters in life.
21:46
SPEAKER_00: How many of our relationships are just two dull lumps of iron sitting side by side?
21:53
SPEAKER_00: Can you ever really sharpen each other?
21:55
SPEAKER_00: Can you ever really have a deep and lasting and genuine friendship?
21:58
SPEAKER_00: Can you ever really combat loneliness?
22:00
SPEAKER_00: Even.
22:01
SPEAKER_00: If all you ever talk about is politics or video games or celebrity gossip or the recent TV show or COVID or masks or I mean, do these things really foster deep and genuine lasting friendships?
22:18
SPEAKER_00: I don't think so.
22:19
SPEAKER_00: I think intentional relationships have to go deeper than that.
22:22
SPEAKER_00: They have to talk about what's on the inside, what's on your heart.
22:28
SPEAKER_00: Intentional relationships, they take openness and honesty.
22:32
SPEAKER_00: C.S.
22:33
SPEAKER_00: Lewis once said of friendship that real friendship requires naked personalities.
22:44
SPEAKER_00: Requires transparency and openness.
22:47
SPEAKER_00: Intentional relationships take, they take vulnerability.
22:51
SPEAKER_00: Genuine friends aren't afraid to ask for help or express what they're struggling with.
22:58
SPEAKER_00: It requires vulnerability.
23:00
SPEAKER_00: Real relationships don't say, well, I don't want to be a burden, so I'm not going to tell them.
23:06
SPEAKER_00: The I don't want to be a burden line is actually a barrier to real friendships, not a boon.
23:14
SPEAKER_00: Real intentional relationships require directness.
23:19
SPEAKER_00: At the heart of honesty is direct expression.
23:21
SPEAKER_00: Please tell me what you really think, really feel, really want.
23:26
SPEAKER_00: And at times, intentional relationships will take confrontation.
23:34
SPEAKER_00: And this is the most difficult counter-cultural idea yet.
23:39
SPEAKER_00: That a good deep friendship means I actually confront my friend when they're screwing up.
23:47
SPEAKER_00: I mean, do we really wonder why a culture that's based entirely on tolerance and acceptance is so lonely?
23:55
SPEAKER_00: Perhaps it's because of this.
23:57
SPEAKER_00: Perhaps it's because when a friend tells you when you're screwing up, while it may hurt, while there may be a little spark there, you quickly realize that is the truest friend in your life.
24:20
SPEAKER_00: If a friend sees you screwing up, they don't stay silent, because that's not friendship.
24:26
SPEAKER_00: So how about your friendships?
24:27
SPEAKER_00: Are they intentional?
24:30
SPEAKER_00: Are you intentional?
24:31
SPEAKER_00: Do your conversations matter?
24:33
SPEAKER_00: Do these adjectives, like honest and open and vulnerable and direct, do they describe your friendships?
24:39
SPEAKER_00: Do you sharpen others?
24:41
SPEAKER_00: Are there ever any spiritual conversations?
24:45
SPEAKER_00: Takes guts to be the first one in your group to start these conversations, but your relationships will blossom if you do.
24:54
SPEAKER_00: These are the three characteristics of a true friend.
24:56
SPEAKER_00: A true friend is gonna be present, considerate, and intentional.
25:01
SPEAKER_00: And now we're gonna see that in action in Scripture.
25:04
SPEAKER_00: And this is maybe a little bit of a surprising place we're gonna go to to look at a friendship.
25:11
SPEAKER_00: Because we're not gonna go to the maybe David and Jonathan's that your mind jumps to.
25:16
SPEAKER_00: We're not gonna go to these close little one-on-one friendships that we have.
25:19
SPEAKER_00: Instead, what we have is an amazing, uh it's an amazing aspect of friendship between an entire group.
25:26
SPEAKER_00: And it's found in Acts chapter 2 and in the early Christian church.
25:32
SPEAKER_00: In the early Christian church, first couple words tell us already that this is a group devoted to friendship.
25:40
SPEAKER_00: They were devoting themselves to the apostles' teaching and to fellowship.
25:45
SPEAKER_00: This word fellowship here is a great word.
25:48
SPEAKER_00: Uh, it's the the Greek word for fellowship is that of koinonia.
25:52
SPEAKER_00: Many of you probably recognize this word because, of course, there's been a Sunday school class here at TBC for years and years called the koinonia class.
26:01
SPEAKER_00: Koinonia means fellowship, but this Greek word actually speaks to such a close and intimate relationship that at the time when this was written in koine literature, the word koinanea was often used actually to describe the marital relationship.
26:21
SPEAKER_00: It was used to describe the marital relationship because it was that close of a friendship with one another that many of the uses outside of Scripture of other people around the same time using this word koinanea use it to speak of the marital connection, of that close friendship and bond between people.
26:42
SPEAKER_00: And here it tells us that the entire early Christian church, here in Acts 2, is devoting themselves to fellowship.
26:50
SPEAKER_00: This doesn't mean fellowship like we gather for fellowship one time a week for an hour.
26:56
SPEAKER_00: We'll see that it is much, much deeper than that.
27:00
SPEAKER_00: So here we are, they're devoting themselves to the apostles' teaching into fellowship, to the breaking of bread into prayer.
27:07
SPEAKER_00: Reverential awe came over everyone, and many wonders and miraculous signs came about by the apostles.
27:14
SPEAKER_00: All who believed were together and held everything in common, and they began selling their property and possessions and distributing the proceeds to everyone as anyone had need.
27:25
SPEAKER_00: And every day they continued to gather together by common consent in the temple courts, breaking bread from house to house, sharing their food with glad and humble hearts, praising God and having the good will of all the people.
27:40
SPEAKER_00: And the Lord was adding to their number every day those who were being saved.
27:45
SPEAKER_00: There's a lot here and a lot to unpack, but as I think about those first words, and it says they devoted themselves to fellowship, they devoted themselves to friendship.
27:55
SPEAKER_00: What I see is I look at the rest of this passage, is I see a group devoted to being present, considerate and intentional.
28:02
SPEAKER_00: Look at how present they were.
28:04
SPEAKER_00: That all who believed were together.
28:08
SPEAKER_00: It's such a simple phrase here, but they just were together.
28:12
SPEAKER_00: And then it says, they continued to gather together by common consent.
28:16
SPEAKER_00: And you know what the words before this are?
28:19
SPEAKER_00: And every day, daily they gathered together.
28:23
SPEAKER_00: And the introverts among us cringe.
28:25
SPEAKER_00: No, don't make me do that.
28:27
SPEAKER_00: And they gathered together.
28:30
SPEAKER_00: Every single day, they gathered together.
28:33
SPEAKER_00: They're just present in each other's lives.
28:37
SPEAKER_00: And you'd be any more present, then we're together and daily gathered together.
28:42
SPEAKER_00: Why?
28:42
SPEAKER_00: So that they could do things together.
28:45
SPEAKER_00: They're present in each other's lives.
28:47
SPEAKER_00: That's what creates this sort of fellowship, this sort of koinonia between people.
28:52
SPEAKER_00: They're present.
28:53
SPEAKER_00: Second, you see them being considerate.
28:55
SPEAKER_00: They held everything in common.
28:56
SPEAKER_00: They began selling their property and possessions, not keeping them to themselves, not considering what they themselves want or need.
29:04
SPEAKER_00: I'm sure they could come up with uses for it, but instead distributing the proceeds to everyone as anyone else had need.
29:13
SPEAKER_00: This is a considerate group of people, considering the needs of others, not themselves.
29:18
SPEAKER_00: Then finally they're gathering in homes, they're sharing their food, and I love the descriptor, with glad and humble hearts.
29:28
SPEAKER_00: Talks about the attitude of their consideration, right?
29:30
SPEAKER_00: They're not grumbling as they're, oh goodness, we have to have people over again because we have to be present with them.
29:38
SPEAKER_00: Here they are sharing their food with glad and humble hearts.
29:43
SPEAKER_00: People are considerate.
29:44
SPEAKER_00: Then third, what I see is I see some real intentionality in this relationship.
29:50
SPEAKER_00: You can see this group built around an intentional relationship towards God.
29:57
SPEAKER_00: They were going to gather together, we're going to share, but we're going to share with a purpose.
30:04
SPEAKER_00: They were devoting themselves to what?
30:06
SPEAKER_00: Notice devoting themselves together as a group, devoting themselves to the apostles' teaching, to the breaking of bread, to prayer.
30:14
SPEAKER_00: They continued to gather together where in the temple courts, and they're praising God together.
30:24
SPEAKER_00: These aren't relationships where they get together and they just watch football on Sundays.
30:28
SPEAKER_00: Though, please, I hope football gets to come back on Sundays.
30:32
SPEAKER_00: They're not just getting together and talking about what their latest favorite TV shows are.
30:40
SPEAKER_00: This is gathering with a purpose.
30:44
SPEAKER_00: Gathering together and sharing.
30:46
SPEAKER_00: And if you don't think these people went deep with each other, you can't get into the scriptures and prayer.
30:52
SPEAKER_00: You can't spend this much time together without being open and vulnerable and honest and knowing each other's faults and flaws and needs and wants and desires.
31:03
SPEAKER_00: I mean, you have an entire group here who gets together and focuses on things that matter.
31:11
SPEAKER_00: They're not just getting together and talking about how, K, you clearly would have won the national championship if March Madness happened.
31:18
SPEAKER_00: And as much as I love that we can talk about that, and it's just a given, you know, maybe we should just go ahead and raise a banner, it's just not ultimately something that matters, is it?
31:34
SPEAKER_00: So do your relationships do you talk about things that matter?
31:40
SPEAKER_00: Are you actually intentional in these things?
31:41
SPEAKER_00: Because here we have this beautiful picture.
31:44
SPEAKER_00: Beautiful picture of an entire group, an entire people who are present, considerate and intentional with one another.
31:53
SPEAKER_00: And do you know the last words of that passage?
31:56
SPEAKER_00: And the Lord added to their number daily.
32:00
SPEAKER_00: You know why?
32:00
SPEAKER_00: Because when people see these types of people, they want to be around them.
32:07
unknown: Right?
32:08
SPEAKER_00: Maybe in order to draw people in to the fellowship of the church, maybe in order to draw people to Christ, we should worry less about what we post on Facebook and more about getting into people's lives and just being their friends.
32:21
SPEAKER_00: Showing them friendship and fellowship, koinania that actually matters, because that's so different from the friendship that they will often find in the world.
32:31
SPEAKER_00: And this is what the early church was doing.
32:33
SPEAKER_00: I mean, how cool would it be if to be a Bible church was known as a place where this type of fellowship happened?
32:41
SPEAKER_00: You feeling lonely?
32:44
SPEAKER_00: Don't go to a bar, you're feeling lonely, go to this church.
32:47
SPEAKER_00: You will find friends there.
32:51
SPEAKER_00: How amazing would it be?
32:54
SPEAKER_00: But in order to be these types of friends, we gotta be present, you gotta be considerate, and you gotta be intentional.
33:02
SPEAKER_00: So, what will this actually look like for you?
33:06
SPEAKER_00: Because we know the problem.
33:07
SPEAKER_00: The problem is clear.
33:08
SPEAKER_00: The problem is loneliness.
33:11
SPEAKER_00: Chronic loneliness, the modern-day epidemic of loneliness.
33:16
SPEAKER_00: And now we've taken all of that and we have just given it to COVID and said, here, what are you gonna do with this?
33:25
SPEAKER_00: Pushes that little button that explodes it and makes it even worse.
33:30
SPEAKER_00: What are you gonna do today?
33:32
SPEAKER_00: What are you gonna do this week to start combating the loneliness in your life and the lives of people around you?
33:37
SPEAKER_00: What are you gonna do to start restarting relationships?
33:43
SPEAKER_00: We gotta restart them, we gotta be present, consider it intentional.
33:46
SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna ask you if you're looking for true friendships, are these the characteristics that you think about and look for?
33:55
SPEAKER_00: Having common interests is great.
33:58
SPEAKER_00: It's wonderful to have common interests with people, but that doesn't create the deep and genuine lasting friendships.
34:05
SPEAKER_00: You start with that common interest, but you gotta go somewhere with it.
34:09
SPEAKER_00: Two of my best friends from college are we are three of the most different people you can find.
34:16
SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, one of them is one of the nerdiest nerds that ever nerded, and he would appreciate me saying that, and who knows, maybe he'll watch this later and see that.
34:24
SPEAKER_00: Uh one of them is Mr.
34:26
SPEAKER_00: Construction Guy, who's really good outdoor and with his hands, and then I'm somewhere in the middle, and none of us really are that much alike.
34:35
SPEAKER_00: But at some point in our lives, we started doing this with each other.
34:40
SPEAKER_00: When you're out looking for friends, are you looking for people who will be present and considerate and intentional?
34:49
SPEAKER_00: Is this, if this was how you truly evaluated the friendships you have, would you spend a little more time with some people and a little less with others?
34:58
SPEAKER_00: But there's another truth that we all need to realize, and that is that if you're seeking friendships, if you're out looking for people to be your friend, maybe you should try a different approach.
35:08
SPEAKER_00: There's this quaint old poem that says, I went out to find a friend, but could not find one there.
35:16
SPEAKER_00: I went out to be a friend, and friends were everywhere.
35:22
SPEAKER_00: Are you present?
35:26
SPEAKER_00: Are you present?
35:27
SPEAKER_00: When you are with people, when you're around people, are you really present?
35:30
SPEAKER_00: Do you make it a priority in your life to actually spend time to be with, to gather together with friends?
35:41
SPEAKER_00: And when you are there then physically present, are you really present mentally?
35:48
SPEAKER_00: Or do you always have one eye on your phone, or are you always wishing you were somewhere else in your head?
35:53
SPEAKER_00: If you're struggling with being present, take a couple steps today.
35:57
SPEAKER_00: First, when you leave this building, this room, would you send out a couple texts or make a couple phone calls and just set something up today, immediately, because you know that if you say, Oh, I'll do it later, then what's gonna happen is you're gonna get home, you're gonna do some yard work, you're gonna maybe just avoid all yard work because it's 150 degrees outside.
36:18
SPEAKER_00: Right?
36:18
SPEAKER_00: You're gonna get stuck doing something else, and then you're gonna think about your work week or what you got going, and then you'll think, man, I'm sure I'm gonna be really, really tired at the end of the workday.
36:27
SPEAKER_00: So I'll wait and we'll set something up later when I have a little bit more energy.
36:34
SPEAKER_00: I know for a fact, because I've been talking to people about this topic, I know for a fact that one thing that COVID has done is it has it initially caused and forced people to withdraw, and it's amazing how many of them say, I don't know, it just seems like work to get together and hang out with people again.
36:53
SPEAKER_00: It's amazing how many people say, Yeah, I don't, I just I haven't actually reconnected with people yet.
36:59
SPEAKER_00: Right?
37:00
SPEAKER_00: Uh I don't know.
37:01
SPEAKER_00: I got really into some shows on Netflix.
37:03
SPEAKER_00: I don't know, I really got into this project I got going around the house, and I'd rather finish that and worry about that than actually, you know, get out and see people.
37:10
SPEAKER_00: And maybe I'll just wait until this whole COVID thing blows over.
37:14
SPEAKER_00: What happens if it doesn't blow over for another six months, year, two years?
37:20
unknown: Right?
37:21
SPEAKER_00: I mean, where will you be at mentally, spiritually, if you don't start reconnecting with people in lasting, deep, important, intentional ways now?
37:33
SPEAKER_00: You gotta be present.
37:35
SPEAKER_00: Uh so as you leave today, will you will you reach out to some of your friends and say, hey, let's get together this week.
37:40
SPEAKER_00: Let's get our calendars out now, let's set a time.
37:42
SPEAKER_00: What do you feel comfortable with?
37:44
unknown: Right?
37:45
SPEAKER_00: Should we uh have a little house party, open up the backyard, set some chairs far apart, right?
37:50
SPEAKER_00: We say everybody wears masks.
37:52
SPEAKER_00: It's still better to be in the room with somebody with a mask than it is to be, hey, how are you?
38:00
SPEAKER_00: What are you gonna do to be present in somebody's life this week?
38:03
SPEAKER_00: And then second, when you actually get together, what are you gonna do to be present?
38:07
SPEAKER_00: Uh some of you need to hear this and you really don't want to hear this, right?
38:10
SPEAKER_00: But that phone is ruining some of your friendships.
38:16
SPEAKER_00: I have uh, you know, there have been one or two people in my life where uh I would regularly spend time with them, and then as I spent time with them, I realized I wasn't really spending that time with them because they were on their device.
38:28
SPEAKER_00: And to be honest, I after saying one or two things about it and it not changing, I I just kind of said, I'm I'm gonna spend time with other people.
38:38
SPEAKER_00: So know that if this is you, uh you might be losing friends because of it.
38:43
SPEAKER_00: What do you need to do to make sure you stay present and you're not here when you're with friends?
38:47
SPEAKER_00: Leave your phone in your car.
38:48
SPEAKER_00: I don't know, put it in a different room.
38:50
SPEAKER_00: This might seem like an odd suggestion, but get more technology.
38:54
SPEAKER_00: Uh, I have a smartwatch and it actually has helped me stay away from my phone because I remember I used to be like, well, I have to check my phone constantly because I might have texts or phone calls that I might miss.
39:04
SPEAKER_00: So it's gotta be right here.
39:05
SPEAKER_00: And of course, then every time it buzzes or does anything, I'm like, well, I gotta check that.
39:10
SPEAKER_00: I got a smartwatch, and now when my phone buzzes, I can see, yeah, that doesn't matter.
39:15
SPEAKER_00: Uh weird suggestion, right?
39:16
SPEAKER_00: I'll be selling them in the lobby afterwards, just a c oh.
39:21
SPEAKER_00: Oh, you gotta do something.
39:24
SPEAKER_00: And maybe it'll take some real gumption for you to look at the people you're hanging with and say, Hey, I know that I have a problem being on my phone.
39:32
SPEAKER_00: If you see me caught up in my phone, feel free to say, hey, put your phone away.
39:39
SPEAKER_00: Right?
39:40
SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is that distracts you, find a way to leave that out of your friendships.
39:47
SPEAKER_00: Because you gotta be present, you gotta be present.
39:50
SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you struggle a little bit with being considerate.
39:54
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you struggle with the second characteristic.
39:56
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you realize about yourself that if you're really honest, you tend to think of yourself first and foremost.
40:05
SPEAKER_00: That a lot of your conversations that you have with other people, that you do the majority of the talking.
40:11
SPEAKER_00: It's a really good, really good indicator that maybe you're not a very considerate person.
40:16
SPEAKER_00: If in your conversations with others, you leave that conversation and realize you did 80% of the talking.
40:22
SPEAKER_00: Now, there are times when that happens, when you got something going on in your life and you're like, man, I'm sorry, I gotta tell you about all of this.
40:28
SPEAKER_00: Right?
40:28
SPEAKER_00: But but if you routinely leave conversations and realize you talked the majority of the time, maybe your own personal goal should be, I'm gonna start doing a better job of asking questions and then keeping my mouth shut while they respond.
40:43
SPEAKER_00: Um consider taking this step this week.
40:47
SPEAKER_00: That when you're going to be with a friend, ask some of these questions.
40:50
SPEAKER_00: Hey, how are you really doing?
40:53
SPEAKER_00: Or some some some different ones, like, hey, what do you wish you had more of in your life?
40:58
SPEAKER_00: Hey, if you had more time in your life, what would you do with it?
41:02
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe things like, hey, is there anything in your life that's really stressing you out right now that you're anxious about?
41:08
SPEAKER_00: What can I pray for you for?
41:12
SPEAKER_00: When you actually know the needs in somebody else's life, when you actually ask that question of, hey, is there anything you're struggling with right now?
41:20
SPEAKER_00: And you say, uh, that's a pointed question.
41:24
SPEAKER_00: That's a prying question.
41:26
SPEAKER_00: I know.
41:27
SPEAKER_00: Remember the third point here is that you have to be intentional.
41:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm asking you to ask some questions that might be a little odd.
41:33
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're gonna have to say, hey, and I'll answer this first.
41:37
SPEAKER_00: Right, to show you that you can be open about this.
41:40
SPEAKER_00: But in order to be considerate, in order to consider others, you gotta know what they're actually thinking, feeling.
41:46
SPEAKER_00: To do that, maybe you make it a point that the next conversation you have with someone, you're gonna make the first 10 minutes of the conversation all about them, no matter what.
41:55
SPEAKER_00: Asking them questions, finding out what's going on in their lives, what they're happy about, what's going well, what's not.
42:02
SPEAKER_00: By asking these questions and really listening, you'll actually know what the needs of others are, then you'll actually be able to do something about it.
42:09
SPEAKER_00: You will be able to make them feel as if they are important.
42:14
SPEAKER_00: So, what can you do this week to be considerate?
42:16
SPEAKER_00: And then third, are you intentional?
42:21
SPEAKER_00: When you gather with friends, are you intentional about what you talk about?
42:27
SPEAKER_00: Uh and this does not have to be every time you ever get together.
42:31
SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying that every time you get in a room with somebody, you're gonna be like, all right, what are you struggling with?
42:37
SPEAKER_00: There are definitely times and places to sit there and talk about how Tyree Kill's prediction that the Chiefs are gonna win seven Super Bowls is clearly gonna come true.
42:45
SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, I'm a big sports guy.
42:48
SPEAKER_00: Um there are times for that, and it's fun to do that, but if you notice that you have these friendships where you never talk about deeper things, uh, you gotta find a way to push through that.
43:04
SPEAKER_00: What can you do?
43:05
SPEAKER_00: What step can you take this week?
43:06
SPEAKER_00: It may be that when you reach out to somebody like you're definitely gonna do in the next hour, and you say, hey, let's get together, maybe you even say, hey, let's get together, and I really want to share with you what's going on in my life right now, and I'd like to hear what's going on in yours.
43:20
SPEAKER_00: You sort of set the stage that says, hey, let's get together, but let's get together and really talk about what matters.
43:28
SPEAKER_00: You have to make it a point to be intentional because otherwise it's so easy for our relationships to just be about nothing, to just be two dull lumps of iron sitting side by side.
43:42
SPEAKER_00: But don't you want to be sharpening sharpening each other?
43:45
SPEAKER_00: Don't you want to be helping the other person be a better Christian, a better husband, a better wife, a better kid, a better friend, a better worker, a better person?
43:56
SPEAKER_00: You gotta be intentional to do this.
43:59
SPEAKER_00: And by being the first one, by opening that door that says, hey, I'm gonna tell you what's going on in my struggles, you will you will be amazed how many people will open that door right back up to you.
44:09
SPEAKER_00: Does it take some courage?
44:10
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
44:11
SPEAKER_00: Does it take humility?
44:12
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
44:15
SPEAKER_00: But as we think about the need to restart relationships, let's think about restarting relationships and not just the same old relationships the way they used to be, but can we restart relationships and take them to a whole new level, deeper and more meaningful than they have ever been?
44:32
SPEAKER_00: Because we are at a time when people are lonely.
44:38
SPEAKER_00: And there's a simple fix.
44:40
SPEAKER_00: It's real friendship.
44:42
SPEAKER_00: And you can be a part of that.
44:45
SPEAKER_00: But to be a part of that, you gotta be present, present, you gotta be considerate, and you gotta be intentional.
44:53
SPEAKER_00: Let's pray.
44:57
SPEAKER_00: Father God, we know that you are a relational being, that you believe in relationships, that you have always existed in a relationship with the Son and the Holy Spirit.
45:07
SPEAKER_00: And so when you made us, you made us to be in relationships.
45:11
SPEAKER_00: So help us, God, help us to be good at this.
45:16
SPEAKER_00: Help us to be good friends.
45:20
SPEAKER_00: God, we take a minute to repent, to confess, and say, we're sorry that we've failed in this area in the past.
45:30
SPEAKER_00: We confess that at times we're not really present, that we don't do the work it takes to be in people's lives.
45:37
SPEAKER_00: Lord, forgive us for that and help us to be better.
45:41
SPEAKER_00: God, forgive us for not being more considerate.
45:45
SPEAKER_00: Forgive us for the times when we think of ourselves and we think of ourselves as more important as than other people.
45:53
SPEAKER_00: Holy Spirit, convict us and lead us to consider the needs and wants of others ahead of our own.
46:00
SPEAKER_00: And God, we confess that at times we're not intentional and we don't talk about things that matter.
46:06
SPEAKER_00: Help us, help us to have conversations, have conversations about you, spiritual conversations, about life, and about things that matter so that we might be those friends who stick closer than a brother.
46:19
SPEAKER_00: We might sharpen those around us.
46:24
SPEAKER_00: So that we can be people who are not lonely, that we can be a church, we can be a body of believers who represents you well with fellowship to one another.
46:37
SPEAKER_00: It's in the Son's name we pray.
46:39
SPEAKER_00: Amen.
46:41
SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
46:42
SPEAKER_00: Have a great week with some friends.