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Transcript

Boundaries Don't Mean Breaking Relationships · Fierce Encouragement

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: When your family's opinions cost you your peace.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, this one's going to land for a lot of us, because there are times when the loudest voices in our lives aren't strangers on the internet, or they're not even our bosses or managers at work.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: They're our family managers at work, they're our family, and their opinions, especially when money is involved, can cost you your inner peace and your peace of mind if you let them.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: This is Mark, this is Fierce Encouragement and this is the podcast where we talk about how we can have more encouraging attitude towards ourselves and build the authentic lives that we really want to live.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Now.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: I had a client whose in-laws had given them financial support during a really rough season and well, on paper it was generous but in practice, well, it came along with some strings.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: But in practice, well, it came along with some strings because suddenly you know every gathering was filled with, you know, some tension and some of that side eye right and some judgment.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: There might even have been some whispers right, and kind of felt like every get together was an audit.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: You know you shouldn't spend money on that.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: You're ruining your life, maybe you're crazy, you know.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: All those things kind of circled in the pool of difficulty that was kind of in this relationship, and the money wasn't just money anymore, it became kind of like permission for surveillance.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: It was almost like a quiet, silent contract that was saying to my client we bought the right to control you and honestly, it feels like an attack.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: And it kind of is an attack, because no matter what they did whether it was buying something that they truly needed or planning an event, or building up parts of their entrepreneurial business that mattered well, someone had an opinion and it really cost them their peace.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: And I'm just wondering if anybody else has been there I know I have we accept help and then suddenly we feel like we're owned or we just try to live our life in a certain way.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: And then the people closest to us, the people we think that love us and care about us, well, it feels like they're judging us.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: But here's a shift.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: No-transcript Q-tip quit taking it personally.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: Keep taking it seriously, though, but quit taking it personally, because those family opinions well, they really hurt and sting the most when we confuse them with the verdicts that we think or that we have on our own worth.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: But they're not verdicts, they're not judgments, it's just noise, they're projections and they're actually echoes of somebody else's fears.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: So, quit taking it personally.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: That's the first move.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: Other people's commentary says more about them than it does about you, and hey, that applies to me too as a coach.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: But here's a really important or key part of this Keep taking your life seriously, keep striving to make responsible decisions.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: Always keep your integrity intact and don't let that BS noise push you into kind of a rebellion or collapsing in on yourself, because, honestly, we don't need others' approval.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: Honestly, we don't need others' approval.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: We do need to protect and honor our own inner peace and our own inner regulation.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: I'd like to offer this up as a couple ways to practice this.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: So here's how to train in this Two tools Number one.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: Tool number one Q-tip.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: Quit taking it personally.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: Q-t-i-p.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: I got that from another coach, a luminary that I had a great session with, because the criticism will come.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: I want you to picture yourself holding a Q-tip, smiling and then whispering to yourself with that smile and smirk quit taking it personally.
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: Just simply, memorably, lightheartedly, with laughter.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: It can help us break out of that trance that we fall in when that judgment or that critique or that audit comes in.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: Q-tip, quit taking it personally.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: Imagine yourself laughing and smiling and have that lightheartedness to it.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: So that's tool number one is Q-tip.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: Tool number two I want to offer up is a boundary script.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: So when family or friends or even other business colleagues press in on you and start to offer up advice and it feels a little invasive, you do not need words that kind of confuse you.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: You do need words that are clear, respectful and repeatable.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: Try this, for instance hey, thanks for the concern.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: Decisions are handled by us.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: Updates will be there when there is some news.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: Find a script for yourself that will help you create a clear, respectful and really succinct but repeatable boundary.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: Truly, that's it.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: It isn't up for debate.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: Make that decision in your mind.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: Cut off the bull crap and the panic and the fear and the doubt, and don't think that you need to counterattack.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: That's where a lot of us live, right?
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: Well, they're judging me, so I'm going to come back with my ammo.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: Don't do that.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: Create that respectful, clear boundary for yourself.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: Just have that calm, clear boundary and say it once, maybe say it twice.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: If.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: Just have that calm, clear boundary and say it once, maybe say it twice if you have to with this person or even in your head, and then change the subject, move on.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: So Q-tip boundary script.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: This is your armor as you work on this.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: Now some of you, I'm sure and I know I'm kind of included in that when I was writing this out are thinking or considering hey, that's great, mark, but that is not easy.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: My wife, my husband, my family, they will not back down.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: You don't understand them.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: They will not back down.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: And of course, it's really easy to say this, to create a podcast and talk about it or even to say it in a coaching session.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: It's quite another thing to take it into the arena or take it on to the into the dojo and practice.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: Well, and that's why we call this training right, that's why we call it a practice, because we won't walk into the gym and throw 500 pounds on the deadlift bar and hoist it up on day one or day 10 or even day 100.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: We have to build up with reps.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: We have to build up with that consistency.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: So your first rep is literally quit taking it personally.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: Your second rep is repeat your boundary script without adding emotion.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: And that third rep is leave the conversation if you need to Walk away.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: Every rep is that step or that training towards your own inner peace and listen.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: Guarding your peace doesn't always mean rejecting your family.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: It does mean that you can refuse and set those boundaries to let their opinions hijack your nervous system.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: You can check that.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: We can love them, we can be respectful towards them, we can practice listening with an openness and we can still guard that gate, or that, you know, the drawbridge of our inner castle.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: Every rep here is a step towards peace.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: So keep practicing Q-tip and read your script.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: That helps you set the boundary and then be willing to walk away if and when it's needed.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: This is your fierce encouragement for the week.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: So when the family commentary comes in or the friends come in with their own advice, well, q-tip, quit taking it personally and when your boundaries are crossed, use your script.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: Thanks for the concern.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: Decisions are handled by us.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Updates will be there when there is some news.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: Thank you, and remember your closing line Guard that gate.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: You know, man, the drawbridge, keep the love.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: That's really it.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: That's the balance that we seek.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: We need to protect our own peace and we need to not harden our hearts while we're doing that.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: Now, if this episode landed for you, please share it with someone who's wrestling with that family pressure right now and, of course, let them know they are not alone, they are not isolated.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: It's really hard work.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: This is not an easy one to kind of run right into and put a band-aid over.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: It is deep work but it is possible to make some progress on it.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: And, of course, if you wanted help building this exact kind of practical tools and habits to fit into your own life so you can stand steady even when those voices are loud or the energy is wobbly, check on the link and click on the link in the show notes to book a complimentary call with me.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: I would love to connect with you.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: Quit taking it personally.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: Quit taking it personally.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: Keep taking it seriously.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: Guard your gate and keep the love.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: I hope you have a great day, a great evening, wherever you're at.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to Fierce Encouragement.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: This has been, mark.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: We'll catch you next time.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: Be well.