Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 11, Season 1: Let Them

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Episode 11, Season 1: Let Them · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast. I'm your co host
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Raina Butcher. You're with our host, Doctor Hensley. Doctor Hensley,
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: tell the listeners a little bit about yourself.
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: I am a specialized social psychologist, so I am a
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: subject matter expert in romantic relationships, specifically the science of attachment, attraction,
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: and dark pathologies inside of romantic relationships, such as narcissism
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: and borderline personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, and all of
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: those good things.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: It's just super interesting.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: I shouldn't say good things, all of those really devastating things.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: All those really bad things. So episode eleven, Yeah, and
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: today's topic is let them let them yes, which is
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: a big I feel like it's a big trending topic
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: right now and it's very wide in terms of the
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: direction that you could go with it. But I want
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: you to explain what we mean when we say let them.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: Well, I think the most common question I get asked
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: in my relationship coaching practices is how do I get
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: my partner to insert whatever behavior? My answer is always
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: you can't.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you.
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: Cannot force control, manipulate your partner into doing anything. Now,
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: can you show up as a secure person, which may
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: model good behavior, and which may trigger them less, and
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: which may give you, like set up the best chance
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: for them to behave Well, yes you can, but that
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: is no guarantee that they are going to do what
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: you want them to do. And people with any degree
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: of attachment anxieties are really viewing their relationships that way.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: How can I get him to be more attracted to me?
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: How can I get more attention? How can I get
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: more affection? How can I get him to meet my need?
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: How can I get my X back? How can I
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: get my ex that happened? I answer a lot of
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: your messages and.
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: Gosh, I gotta finish that course my kids are home
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: this summer.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: Is one of the most often messages that I how
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: can I get my X back? Tell me what to do?
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: How can I get my X back? And again I
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: just want to be like, well.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: There are things you can do to increase your chances. Yeah,
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: you can increase your chances, but can you manipulate them back?
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: I mean, there is a science of manipulation, and people
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: write about it and teach it. I learned it as
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: a social psychologist. I took classes on it because, yeah,
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: because you have to understand how people like Jim Jones
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: who took people to South America and made him drink
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: poison kool aid.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: Hitler worked, right?
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah? How did Hitler get everybody to follow me?
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: Like?
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: We have to understand how those dynamics were, to understand
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: history and to be weary people of when that is happening, right, Yeah,
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: But I don't teach it, Yeah, because it's not It's
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: toxic and it's not going to get you the healthy
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: love you want. Isn't the goal to have healthy love?
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And so.
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: Your desire to control your partner is ruining your relationship.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: Here's what you need to do. You need to focus
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: on you. You need to focus on showing up as
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: the best version of yourself, the healthiest version of yourself.
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: Someone who's not codependent, someone who's not hyper independent, somebody
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: who can have healthy interdependence, somebody who can set healthy boundaries,
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: somebody who can communicate noncritically, someone who can resolve conflict
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: with respect. And you put all of those things out there.
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: You're honest about your needs, You're as authentic as you
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: can be. And then you wait and see how the
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: other person shows up, and you determine whether that person
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: shows up to your standards preach.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I feel like this episode is already
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: over the end now, no want, I want, But I
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: mean that's amazing, And I mean, people, if you're listening,
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: you should probably like when you listen to this, you
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: should probably like fast for or rewind it and then
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: listen to it like three times what she just said
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: because you're so spot on it and it sounds like
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: a really simple concept, but it's really difficult for people
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: to do.
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: People that have attachment wents. Yes, securely attached. See, that's
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: the difference between securely attached people and insecurely attached people.
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: Securely attached people behave in that exact way. They are
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: not afraid to walk away from relationships that are not
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: serving them. They do not. They do not mistake fear
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: for chemistry and being attracted to red flags. Red flags
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: repulse them. They go, oh, I don't like that. Some
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: feel good to me, all right, and so I'm going
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: to walk right back into this relationship with myself in
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: singlehood and I'm not scared of doing that. Yeah right, yeah.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: If it doesn't work for me, it doesn't work for me.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: But they're also very capable of fostering intimacy, and they
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: have a normal desire for connection, unlike the avoidant person
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: who wants to stay hyper independent and can't foster normal
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: into Timothy. Right. So the anxious person will stay in
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: relationships that are terrible. They're attracted to the red flags,
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: you know. They they mistake the fear for chemistry. They
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: mistake their anxiety for chemistry. Secure people don't do that.
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: They grew up with parents who had healthy relationships and
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: who gave them proper emotional attunement. Your husband's a great
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: example of this. And we always say Josh is the
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: born secure is and it again.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: I know I've said this before, and I'll say it
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: again because it's worth repeating. But I feel like I
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: was just I was so on the cusp of reaching
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: my attachment security and Josh was just the biggest blessing
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: because I was right here, and then when I met him,
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: it took me over.
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because she's modeled security and he set the standard
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: of this is how they He's not going to go
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: and he's not going to put up with crazy, toxic
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: radical Oh.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: And I knew it, and I knew it, and so
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: I was like, well, I probably shouldn't show much true colors.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: Probably keep that to when we get married, and then
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: I'll really show my psycho. No.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: But but it brings a sense of safety. Josh didn't
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: trigger you.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: No, no, and he never has. And we've been together
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: for almost four years and he's never triggered me. He
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: is just the most calm, kind, level headed and I
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: mean Josh is the most morally just good person. Yeah,
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: that I've ever known in my life. Like he It's
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: funny because people are his friends now. He became a
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: police officer later in life and his friends are like,
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: I can't believe, dude, that you're a police officer. And
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: I'm like, he was meant for this job. Yeah, Like he's.
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: They need the moral yes, he the sense of.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: Justice is the epitome of justice, what is good and
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: what is right. He will always do the right thing
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: and he's not afraid to stand up for it.
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I feel like that about my husband. I feel
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: like my husband does the right thing because it's the
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: right thing to.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: Do, you know, even if it's like it's not what
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: he wants to.
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: Do right exactly because it's the right thing to do.
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: Sometimes I'm like baffled that my husband became secure because
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: my husband has more trauma than like anybody I've ever
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: met in my entire life. He has more, more trauma,
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: more childhood trauma, more I mean military, you know, trauma
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: from combat. He is a purple heart veteran where he
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: was severely wounded in combat.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: Like fathom.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah. He he has witnessed a lot of death, a
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: lot of gruesome, awful things. He's lost a lot of
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: friends to suicide that were in the military with him.
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: He had some very dysfunctional previous relationships because he was
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: a fearful avoidant and he chose bad people chose. And
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: then God really worked a miracle in his heart and
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: he went to therapy. I mean, he did the work.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: Here's the thing, Like one of the when I met
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: my husband, I was like, Wow, you've done the work.
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: And I was so into doing the work that we
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: could talk about the work, right, we could talk about
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: personal development and character development and you know growth, and
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: that's really beautiful.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: It creates a really special type of intimacy, you know
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: when you can really I mean, I will talk all
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: day about psychology and you know, spirituality, because like I
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: don't like surface level conversations yea.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: If we're going to talk like, we got to get deep.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: And I'm so thankful for Josh in that aspect too,
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: because he likes to get deep, right, he likes to
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: have really meaningful, like deep conversations. And I mean I
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: think that's probably how you and Donald initially had your
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: first like works of chemistry.
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: Was it was like, oh, you've been through that, me too.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: Oh but you're doing things to get better that's sexy.
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Oh wow, you love God too? Yeah. Oh you're
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: all about self reflection, like you look at your own
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: behavior and try to determine is that healthy? What's all
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: that is so hot? Yeah? I knew. I knew I
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: wanted to marry him on my first date. But I mean,
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: of course I didn't like bank on it. But I
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: was like, wow, this guy's something special. Yeah right, yeah,
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: I was like, he's something special. He's into personal growth,
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: oh green flag. But I think the majority of my
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: clients have some degree of anxious attachment through their fearful
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: avoidant or anxious preoccupied and they are usually with a
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: DA or with a more avoidant FA. And it's how
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: do I get them too? How do I get them to?
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: How do I get them too? How could and order
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: in a breakup situation and the relationship was to hair
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: And I have to ask them, I say, what is
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: going on with you that you want to return to
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: this relationship? And I always hear a very similar answer, Well,
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: they're the only person that's made me feel like this,
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: feel like what anxious desperately needing to be with them. Yeah,
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: let's take a look at that, and let's take a
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: look at how they've treated you. And is that the
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: appropriate way you should feel for someone who's treated you
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: like that? So what is going on with you? Right?
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: Where's that attachment anxiety coming from? And let's fix that
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: because it is fixable. So I always tell people like
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: they always like, how do I get my ex back?
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: How do I get my ex back? And I'm like, well,
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: you know, there's another alternative, right, There's an alternative to
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: heal and move on and not feel anxious and devastated.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: All right, and not repeat the same sign and repeat the.
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: Same pattern and then maybe band aid your pain with
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: a new partner, only to choose another poor partner. There's
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: the third alternative, you know. Because they see two alternatives
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: when someone's in a breakup, they say two alternatives. They say,
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: be an absolute misery or get them back yep, And
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: I'm like, no, let's take this third route of healing
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: where you don't have to go back to a crappy person,
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: but you're also not devastated where you can't function and
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: you're thinking about them twenty four yea, let's choose that.
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: How about that?
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: And you just have to sit in it, right, you
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: have to walk through the pain, you do.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: There's the only way out is through, but you don't
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: have to be so consumed by it. You can learn
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: healthy emotional shrocessing. And now there are some relationships that
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: end prematurely that shouldn't maybe shouldn't have ended right, that
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: weren't so dysfunctional, that maybe had some problematic areas that
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: if both people were willing to work on it, a
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: reunification would be okay. And I do help people determine that,
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: and in my breakup course that is being created right now,
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: I'm helping people to make that determination. Right, should you
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: go back or should you not return?
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: Should just stay or should you go?
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: And that's huge and I you know, I want if
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: you can think of one sort of on the fly,
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: like a real life example of letting them right, just
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: sitting back and letting them.
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: So, it would definitely be relationships usually where there's an
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: FA partner and a DA partner, because the DA partner
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: becomes so withdrawn, so uncommunicative, deprioritizing them, not meeting their needs,
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: and they are just just trying so hard to get
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: the DA partner to see how deficient they are and
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: that that's not normal and that their needs are normal.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: And you know, there should be a normal amount of
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: intimacy and there's really not, and the DA doesn't see it,
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: the DA's version of intimacy. They see that as normal.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not. So do you is your your advice
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: when you coach to because another question that I get
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: is specifically when people are dealing with das, is like,
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: how do I get them to when I was coaching,
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: how do I get them to come closer to me?
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: Well, the only chance of that is showing up, secure
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: and setting boundaries. Because here's the thing, So and I
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: had this very same personal experience, so I can relate
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: on a personal level. If asking for what you need
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: in a relationship from your partner pushes them away, they
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: were never going to give it to you. Yeah, Ever,
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: it's just asking for it, Yeah, makes them run away.
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: They're never going to give it. They're not going to
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: just spontaneously realize they're not giving it to you and
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: start giving it to you. They're not going to give
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: it to you because you nag them to death about
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: it or criticize them to death about it. They're not
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: to give it to you. If going and saying, hey,
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: you know what these are my needs.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: Here's what it looks like, stating them not.
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: Can you do that? Is that something you're willing to do?
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: And then if they say yes, great, sit back and
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: watch and see if they do that's still let them,
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: let them show up and if they don't leave, yes,
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: because they're not going to do it.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: I know that's easier said than done. It is, especially
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: in circumstances you know, where you've been married for years,
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: you share assets, you share children, all those things. I
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: know that's really difficult, but at some point you do.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: You have to just you have to take inventory and
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: then make a decision.
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely. And my approach if they're married, if they
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: have children together, is always let's focus on your attachment
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: security and showing up as a secure person, because you're
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: going to trigger them way less than you are showing
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: up anxious. And then let's see how that goes and
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: see if that feels good enough for your DA for
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: their nervous systems to relax, And when their nervous systems
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: are safe, then they're capable of more intimacy. So let's
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: try that first. But sometimes we have someone who's so
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: severely dismissive avoidant that without that dismissive avoidant doing their
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: own focused work, it's not going to matter how secure
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: you show up. They are going to run away from
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: intimacy and conflict. That's just who they are because their
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: wounding is so deep. Again, attachment is on a spectrum.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: You can deviate a little bit from secure, or you
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: can deviate a lot from secure. You know, and if
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: you have somebody who is mild to moderate insecurities, you
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: showing up secure is going to make a world of difference.
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: I mean, you can drastically transform relationships. If you have
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: somebody who's severely insecure or as narcissistic traits sprinkled into
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: their severe insecurity or other mental illnesses or pathologies, it's
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: probably not going to matter. But I help people make
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: that determination. I mean, I have to work with people enough,
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: and I have I have one client very specific in
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: my mind right now. She poured herself into the work
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: and I worked with them as a couple and we
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: did a full twelve session situation and they did my
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: group and she made dramatic changes. He did not. I
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: believe there was narcissism there. Of course I can't say that,
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: but I said, here are some resources on narcissism. Go
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: make your own determination. And she made that determination. And
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: that's when she said, but her earning her attachment security
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: allowed her to file for divorce because she would have
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: never left if she didn't. And she's told me that,
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: so I'm not just trying to toot my own horn.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: She said, you gave me the attachment security to set
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: the boundaries that I needed to set five six, seven
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: years ago. Yeah.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: See, sometimes you're fixing marriages, but sometimes you're just fixing
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: I mean, you're overall fixing people so that they can
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: make the right decision to words joy, happiness, right peace.
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: And she's coping with the divorce in a way that
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: doesn't feel devastating, right, in a way that doesn't feel
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: like she can't.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: Find it and that is huge, right, huge, And she's.
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: Setting the appropriate boundaries and she's attuning to her children
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: because okay, her children, Because when you become securely attached,
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: you model secure attachment to your children, or is teaching
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: your children which is shaping their attachment right as they
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: grow up, and so you're really earning your attachment security.
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: It's not just for you. It's not just for your relationship.
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: It is for the developmental health of your children to
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: grow up and seek out healthy relationships. Want your children
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: to be with a narcissist or a drug addict or
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: an abuser or whoever.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: Right, I feel like it's for all of your relationships. Yeah,
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: when you achieve your attachment of security, I mean even
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: with friendships, I feel like you can sit back and
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: you can just and we've both experienced this, y like
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: you just let them right at them. Yeah, where you're
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: just like, you know what, they they can have whatever
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: narrative they want, and I'm going to let them have it.
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: I can be the villain in your story, it's okay,
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: And I'm just gonna let that.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna let that lay Yep.
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: I'm going to show up with my expectations, my boundaries.
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: I will do it with kindness, honesty, and respect. And
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: if that doesn't work.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: For you, okay, yeah, leave right. And that's the thing,
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: that's what's so beautiful about it. You may end up
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: with less people in your life. You absolutely are small,
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: you absolutely will, but it's because very few people can
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: meet that standard, that's right. But when you have that standard,
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: your life is so enriched by the few people that are.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: So it's about quality over quantities.
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: Right, And you have a lot of peace in your life, yes, yes,
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: a lot of peace. I think the last three years
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: less the last month. We will draw a line through
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: the last month. I've had the most peace in my
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: life that I've ever oh, for sure, because I cut
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: off friends that were toxic and I didn't even have
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: to cut them off. They cut themselves, they removed themselves.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because that's what happens when you set standards.
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, You're like, when you.
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: Set boundaries, it's only an inconvenience for the people who
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: don't want to meet them.
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, boundaries only hurt people that are trying to use you.
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah that's right. Yeah's exactly right.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And they're only offended when you stop overgiving and
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: stop sacrificing yourself to meet their needs in abandoning yours.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And as I noticed as I get older, like
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: I you know, all my life, I've been drawn to
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: these people who like needed me, Yeah, that needed me,
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: that needed like help.
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: I started out that way, you did.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: But you've also taught me. I mean, you've modeled to
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: me that. That's like, as I've got and older, like,
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: that's not what I want. It's not really healthy even
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: in my friendships. And so as I get older, I realize,
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: like I'm way more drawn to these people that are
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: extremely direct, right, extremely honest, and aren't afraid to speak
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: their truth. Yeah, because what it does for me as
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: their friend is it takes the pressure off, right, I
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: don't have to guess.
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: And here's the thing, and that is the most beautiful
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: part of our friendship. And I think that that's why
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: we are as close as we are and why other
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: friendships have fallen away, is because we have always been
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: people that could say I need to be honest with you,
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: and you could take it, and I could take it,
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: and I saw it as a value. I saw it
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: as love. It may have been kind of tough love,
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: but You're not just going to blow smoke up my
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: rear end and just to maintain a friendship. That's doing
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: me a disservice. Your friends are supposed to to help
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: you grow, help you be good.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: You want to just be a good time friend. No,
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: I want to be an honest friend.
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: Right, And it's draining when you can't be an honest friend.
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: It's draining when people are creating their own problems and
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: you can't look and say, hey, you're actually like creating
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: this in your life and like you need to do
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: some work around that. Like they're healing available for that. Right.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: If you have a friend that just wants you to
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: validate the living crap out of them and never be
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: a tad bit honest, they're gonna like, as you grow,
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: they're gonna fall away.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: Yep, yeah, I mean, it happened.
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: Happened to me, It's happened to both of us.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and you know, and we.
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: Share a lot of the same friends.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: I know, I know, and you know I mean, and
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: just like talking about it because I've struggled, you know this,
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: I've really struggled with, you know, losing a friendship, the
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: friendship I lost within the past year, because I'll still
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: have moments where I have like ruminating thoughts about it,
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: and you know, she kind of ghosted me, and so
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: I feel this big sense of rejection when it comes
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: to it. But then when we sit back and we
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: have a conversation like this, it really puts it in
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: perspective of like, no, I had made too many steps
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: forward and she.
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: Couldn't she couldn't meet you there.
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: No, And it doesn't make me love her any less,
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: and I want all good things for her, that's right.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: But I'm okay with us not being prinsoned.
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: And I had my own friendship version of that too. Yes. Yes,
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: a person that would come in and out of my
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: life would get very upset with me for being very
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: gently honest about some of the serious problems that she
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: was creating for herself.
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: And when I would try to kind of say you
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: maybe need to heal that, right, maybe you need to
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: do some work around that, she would get terribly upset.
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: She would get very angry, ghost me, block me, and
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: then she would come begging and saying how sorry she
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: was that she treated me poorly, and I'd give her
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: another chance, and this time around that last time it happened.
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: I just like, eah, yeah, no, thanks, I'm good.
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: There's just certain mirrors that people don't want to look into.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: That's right answer. And I mean, but love is being
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: a reflection, right.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: Love is not indulgence people. Let me tell you why
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: let them is so important because you know, if someone's like, oh,
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: why can't you just love me for who I am,
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: It's like, well, love is unconditional, but being with someone
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: is conditional. Right. I might have to walk away from you,
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: but that doesn't mean I've stopped loving you. I will
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: always be able to love you and want good things
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: for you, but I can't stay if you're treating me poorly. Right.
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: And then here's the thing. Love is also not enabling,
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: and it's not indulgence in people's poor behavior. Right. So
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: if I really love you, right, which I do, I
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: love you more than you're my absolute best female friend.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: I mean, my husband's my best friend, but you're my
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: best female friend by far. If I saw you doing
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: something destructive that was hurting yourself, I would come to
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: you and I would say rain a baby, girl, like
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: I'm so worried about you, like that you're doing this,
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: and like I'm afraid if you keep doing this, it's
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: gonna really it's going to really hurt you in the
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: long term. And as your friend, what can I do
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: to help support you in coming and making it through this? Right?
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: But what I wouldn't do is if you're making those
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: bad choices and it's hurting you, and you're coming inventing
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: to me and taking no accountability for this problematic situation
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: you're going to be in. I'm not going to let
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: you use me to vent and vent, invent, invent, invent,
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: and to soothe you over your own mistakes that are
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: creating problems in your life as a direct result of
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: your own actions. Right, I'm not going to be your
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: perpetual like counselor when you're the problem. Right, I'm going
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: to be like, I'm here to support you and I
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: will listen to how difficult changes. But I'm not going
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: to be your perpetual therapist over what you're doing too yourself.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to continue to be dishonest, Like that's
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: really what it's about, because it's like, eventually, if I
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: just sit here as your friend in that circumstance, if
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: it were reversed or with my circumstance with the friend
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: that I lost. If I just continued to sit there
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: and be her counselor or just bite my lip, you know,
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: and not say anything, I'm being dishonesty, and being dishonest
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: is not being a good friend. And so I wanted
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: to tell her the truth. But the moment that I did, Now,
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: and here's where I went wrong. I let it build,
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: and I let it build, and I let it build,
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: and it was and then you know, and then it
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: boiled over and I blew my top. Okay, And I
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: said some things out of anger that were the truth.
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: But they should have come from a place, yes, they
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: should have come from a place of love, right, I
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: always want to tell the truth from a place of love,
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: not a place of anger. And it came from a
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: place of anger in the moment, and she didn't like it, right,
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: she didn't like it. And even when it came from
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: a place of love, when we finally made our amends,
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: she still didn't like it, which I know is why
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: she ghosted me. Right Like she she didn't want to
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: look at It was a mirror she wasn't ready to
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: look into.
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: Period one. Yeah, I get that, And that's where let
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: them comes in. Let them walk away.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I don't chase them back, don't pull them
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: back in.
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: Stop Stop being so worried that you're a villain in
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: someone's story. Be the villain who cares, you know, Now,
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: when that villain actively keeps trying to hurt you, I
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: mean you got to have boundaries.
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's different.
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: That's different.
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah. If they're just going to like their other friends
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: talking about you, so be it. Who cares?
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: All right?
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: If they're like trying to set your house on fire,
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: you got to intervene. That's a little bit different, right, Yeah,
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: But otherwise let them Yeah.
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: I do have one question, Yeah, speaking for all all
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: your followers, because this this is another message that comes
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: about very often. So when there's been a breakup and
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: one person asks for no contact, yep, and then you
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: respect it, and then they start coming around, the bread
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: crumbing starts happening. Okay, that other partner who has respected
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: the no contact starts to communicate and latch onto those
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: bread crumbs. I want you to give a scenario to
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: what point you speak up? Do you let them speak
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: up first in terms of reconciling the relationship. Just tell us,
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: like what that scenario, Yes, all the time. It's a
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: question you get.
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: You know what I can do. I can predict, based
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: on someone's attachment style, when the person who asks for
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: no contact will come back and start communicating. I can
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: predict it to the month of the week. And it's
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: like a superpower. Yeah, I don't know. I don't. I
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: don't have a lot of like skills, Like I'm not
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: a great cook. I'm an okay cook. I don't run
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: very fast, like I'm not you know, I'm not an
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: athlete really, but man, I can tell you when that
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: ex is coming back to the week or at least month. Yeah,
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: I'm not and I am almost never. And I don't
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: know why. It's it blows it blows my mind. But
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: I can do it. But that's and it's not me.
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: It's attachment science that particts it. I just know the science.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and you and you've studied people and worked with
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: an I've worked with enough people that I know that
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: it's highly predictable.
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: Right, And so I see this scenario a lot. Right.
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: The person gets broken up with they say don't contact me,
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: I don't want any contact, and then they change their
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: mind and they start saying, hey, how you been you
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: know what's been going on, or I went I walked
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: past this park and made me think of you, and
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: I just wanted to check in.
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: And the anxious persons like.
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, no contact? Right, Okay? How do I respond?
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: What do I say? And so then they start conversing,
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: they start communicating, and it's light and it's fun and
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: it's familiar. So it feels so good, especially to the
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: anxious person. But it stays stagnant. It stays where it's
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: not the other person that asks for no contact and
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: is now breadcrumbing. Isn't asked asking to meet up with you,
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: isn't saying hey, can we have a conversation? They're just
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: throwing out little bits of bread crumbs, right, And that
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: is just killing the anxiously attached person, the fearful avoidant,
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: or the anxious preoccupied. It is just eating them alive
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: because they want to go, hey, can we talk about
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: getting back together? And here's what I'll say. At some point,
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: you have to realize that you are not a toy
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: that someone gets to just pick up and put down
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: when they feel like it. That is not who you are.
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: You are a human being with real feelings and real needs.
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: And so although it is normal to start slowly in
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: terms of reconciling and reuniting, because there might have been
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: a lot of hurt and pain and people need to
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: be able to have time to process that, and there
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: may be uncertainty in the reconnection at some point, and
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: I would say, after maybe a month, you need to
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: step in and say, hey, if you aren't at all
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: interested in potentially reconciling into a place where we were before,
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: into a place of developing a committed relationship, again, I
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: don't really think it's healthy for us to be communicating.
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: And you set that boundary and then you walk away
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: again because you're a toy at that point.
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: Right And that's really what being purely attached looks like,
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: right there. It is, and it's empowering. Gosh, it's so
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: empowering even though you're in pain. Because I've had to
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: do it. Yep.
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: Actually I've had to do it too.
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: The guy I dated right before, Josh, you remember, Yes,
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: I do. I had to do that and it was
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: really hard, and you know, I almost had like this
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: dark night of the soul for like that whole situation.
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: It was weird, like I had this night where like
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: I really cried it out, and I think it was
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: just so much more. It wasn't even really about him,
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: Like I was just like crying out all this pain, yeah,
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: for sure, and he would come back around, he'd bread
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: crumb me, and then you know, and then I'd and
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: then eventually I was like, this doesn't feel good to
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: me and I don't like it, and just just leave
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: me alone altogether, you know. And And even though it
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: was scary to draw that line in the sand because
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: I'd never done anything like that, yeah, I know, it
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: was so empowering. And it's really what I mean, it's
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: why I found Josh. Yeah, it is because the moment
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: that you start letting go of all the things not
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: meant for you, it's when all the things that are
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: come into your.
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: Life ay to the mean.
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: Yes, and that's why you have to let them.
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: Yes, you have to. But see that the reason that
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: you can't let them is because you have very deep,
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: insecure attachment wounds that are making it so painful. Your
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: subconsciousnes is going the loss of that person is too
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: much for me to handle. It's not worth, you know,
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: letting go, because the pain on the other side of
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: letting go is something I can't deal with wrong, right, wrong, wrong, all.
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: Right, all the great things that are meant for you
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: or on the other side.
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you can't usher in what is meant for you
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: if you're still holding on to what is not meant
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: for you, to be stuck right. And so a lot
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: of people are trying to get back with their exes
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: because they have attachment anxiety, not because the relationship was
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: healthy and fulfilling, right and it ended too soon over
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: a misunderstanding, or you know, due to true incompatibilities.
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: You No, it's yeah, nine times out of ten, nine.
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: Towns out of them, you had to just attachment wounds.
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: That is right.
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: You're experiencing rejection and it's painful. You're scared of being alone.
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: You'd rather choose the devil, you know, than the devil
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: you don't listen. The devil you know ain't nothing.
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: No, And I think that you know this this episode
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: is again just validation that you got to finish that breakup. Course.
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah. But see, here's the thing. I have a six
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: year old, I have a seven year old, an eleven
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: year old, and a thirteen year old and two crazy puppies,
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: and I'm trying to record in my office that is
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: semi sound proof. We've sound proved it to the degree
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: that we can.
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: And Bandy, she's coming here to record.
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm gonna have to. I'm going to have to
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: because it's like in the background so too much a
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: dog bar a dog bitsy at the door, right, and
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: it's like, okay, yeah, well let me step away from
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: and see what's going on with the kiddos. Yeah, and
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: my husband and I both run our own businesses and
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: we're around a lot, and we have Miss hand who's
• 34:00
  Speaker 2: there a lot, so thank you, Miss Hannah. Yeah, you
• 34:03
  Speaker 2: always well supervise our children. But it doesn't necessarily mean
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: that it's the optimal environment for recording content. So I've
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: struggled this summer.
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: Content that you have to be really serious and like
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: professional too to.
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: Make it a good quality right, and lighting has to
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: be right. You know, when someone's blast and Taylor Swift
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: in your room and I can hear it, it's not necessarily,
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: you know, the optimal recording environment. So I got to
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: get the breakup course finished. It's halfway done.
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I know that it's it's going to be
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: an extension of achieving your Attachment Security course.
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: It's going to be an extension of that.
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: Of course. You know right now, if you if you're
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: going through a breakup and you're in pain, you don't
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: have to wait for the breakup course. You can go
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: to the Dating Decoder website and check out the Achieving
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: your Attachment Security course, which is ultimately what you need
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: to do.
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: You need it anyway, Yeah, you need it for your
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: next really relationship where you mean that if you're gonna
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: reconcile with your partner, guess what's going to happen. They're
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: going to trigger you in the exact same ways that
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: they always triggered you. And if you do not have
• 35:09
  Speaker 2: the tools to deconstruct your triggers and to step into
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: security and regulate nervous system and check your thoughts and
• 35:15
  Speaker 2: do all the things to not be that anxiously attached person,
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: you're just gonna end up in another breakup. Yep, it's
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: going to go the same way.
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: The cycle's just going to repeat itself. And so this
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: is what doctor Hensley of course teaches. Yes, so by
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: the course or even better group, Yes, by the group,
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: because the group also includes doctor Hensley in real.
• 35:36
  Speaker 2: Time, in real time, you can talk to her brain.
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: You can ask all the questions about your specific situation.
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: You can ask them privately and honestly, or you can
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: make friends.
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: Yep, that's right. And I mean community is really important
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: when you're dealing with a breakup because the whole like, oh, well,
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: me too, I'm dealing with that too. You know that's
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: my partner did that to me too. Yeah, that makes
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: you feel validated and good. So yes, even better, go
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: a step further and by the group.
• 36:00
  Speaker 2: We have so many people that buy the course and
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: then want to come back and buy the group. They're like, oh,
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: this is such a golden nugget, but how do I
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: use it in this situation? Situation? Right? And I can
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: tell them. I'm like, these are the words I would use.
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: This is the particular boundary I would say. So I
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: can troubleshoot your situation with you.
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: And that is what was so great about you is
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: that you give Kong crank black and white thing.
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: Do this thing.
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: Yes, that really help people get to a place where
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: they just feel like they're not in so much pain
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: and not so much emotional pain, or the emotional pain
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: is still there. We're not telling you to not feel it.
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: We're actually telling you to feel it, and.
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: I'm going to tell you how to get control over
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: it and take it out and take it down and
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: allow your brain to recognize that it's been felt and
• 36:49
  Speaker 2: it can be let go.
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: That's right, that's right. So if you are needing this
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: in your life, most people are, please go check out
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: doctor Hensley's services. She has a group starting next Wednesday,
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: July seventeenth.
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: By the time this drops, it might be yeah, that's right,
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: you're right, but I will We'll get the August dates
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: up soon.
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: Yes, we'll get the August states up probably next week,
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: so I will drop the August states soon. So you're
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: right because this will air after July. But either way,
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: just go to our website check out all of her services.
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: She also has an executive coaching service, which is her
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: most exclusive. That's more for couples who really need like
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: day to day troubleshooting, like with their relationship.
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: They want to be absolutely all in on repair. You've
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: tried everything, tried everything. I'm going to be your absolute
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: personal mentor in daily guide in repairing, and I will
• 37:37
  Speaker 2: tell you what to say to your partner, and I
• 37:39
  Speaker 2: will tell you what to do with your partner and
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: This is really really good. It's a really great service
• 37:44
  Speaker 2: for people whose partners have said, hey, I want a
• 37:46
  Speaker 2: divorce but they're not exactly sure right, and you're like
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: in oh my gosh mode, and I really want to
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: fix this. I don't want them to be leave me right,
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: I'm your gal. Yeah.
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: And the executive coaching service is by interview, yeah, because.
• 38:01
  Speaker 2: We take a few of them.
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and we will, and we want to make sure,
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: especially with people because I know you've run into this
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: in the past. You know that have tried everything in
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: the past and it still hasn't worked. Like you don't
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: you don't want to waste their time or yours. So
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: it's really important that we have a whole interview process
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: that we go through to make sure that it's just
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: a good fit because we want the value to be there.
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: I'm actually the one that does the intake interview for that.
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: So just just go to her website check out all
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: of her services. There's also Coach Elizabeth, which is wonderful.
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: She's awesome. Yeah. If you really are set on one
• 38:35
  Speaker 2: on one coaching and you're you need a more budget
• 38:37
  Speaker 2: friendly option, Coach Elizabeth is amazing. I trained her directly
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: she has a master's in counseling. She's absolutely fantastic. She's
• 38:44
  Speaker 2: gotten great reviews. She's been such an asset to my business.
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: And she has people coming back.
• 38:49
  Speaker 2: And I take one on one clients too. My price
• 38:51
  Speaker 2: is just it's higher because well, it requires so much
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: of your time. I have to make it worth it
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: compared to what I bring in and other She's trying.
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: To scale of business people and I told her, I'm like,
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: you got to take a step back. You got to
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: take a step back.
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: I just can't take that many clients. And the clients
• 39:05
  Speaker 2: that I can take, it's pricey.
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: Well, and that's the thing.
• 39:08
  Speaker 2: That's that's why I have Elizabeth.
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: That's right. And when you're trying to scale a business.
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: I told you this when we first started. You have
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: to let go of things that work so that you
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: make room for things that will work better. Right, Yeah,
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: and so and it's hard, it's hard. Yeah, we're getting there.
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: The groups are so good. Let me tell you that
• 39:24
  Speaker 2: the group is so good. If you have a DA partner.
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: If you have a DA partner, you need my group.
• 39:29
  Speaker 2: You need my group and try to get your DA
• 39:31
  Speaker 2: partner in there, because I structured it in a way
• 39:34
  Speaker 2: that das thrived like my das do so so so
• 39:38
  Speaker 2: good in my.
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: Group because it's bite sized modules.
• 39:41
  Speaker 2: And they're such slow processors, so they need the bite
• 39:44
  Speaker 2: size information and then run away and think about it, right,
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: and then they need to bite size information and then
• 39:48
  Speaker 2: run away and think about it.
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: It's a great way to episode with group, Like it's
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: a great way to take the course and kind of
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: like watch the course, whether it's individually or not, and
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: kind of take time to self regulate there. And then
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: when you come together as a couple within the group
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: setting itself, it's a chance for you to co regulate
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: and come together. And so that's what is. It's just
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: so great and it's a great service, probably your most popular.
• 40:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you and your partner are getting the exact
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: same information at the exact same time, which is also
• 40:18
  Speaker 2: with the exact same concrete tools. Like the tools are concrete.
• 40:22
  Speaker 2: I give you. I'm like, you can choose from five
• 40:23
  Speaker 2: of these phrases. Pick one, yeah, right when you're at
• 40:28
  Speaker 2: this stage in conflict and my conflict resolution plans like
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: step one, step two, step three, you know, and it
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: is robotic in that sense, but it's better than you
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: guys screaming at each other.
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: That's right, right, well, and I mean, but then.
• 40:38
  Speaker 2: It doesn't become robotic because after you get the hang
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: of what it looks like to validate someone's feelings, you
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: are going to be able to come up with your
• 40:44
  Speaker 2: own phrases. You're not going to need to go I
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: understand what you're telling me. Thank you for sharing that
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: with me. Right, You're going to be able to be
• 40:51
  Speaker 2: so accustomed to validating it's going to become habitual. Right.
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: The brain makes the changes, yeah, the brain makes the
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: new pattern. So yes, So if you're looking for that,
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: please go check her out at the Datingdecoder dot com
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: and please continue to listen, like follow, leave a review please,
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: because the reviews really help us grow and ultimately, what
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: we are trying to do is just spread love and
• 41:18
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• 41:22
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• 41:26
  Speaker 1: Even we prefer five stars, I mean, yes, but we
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: obviously want you to be honest and you know honestly.
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: I mean the feedback helps. I mean we're new, like
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: we're you know, we're just here.
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: We want to talk about what you want to hear.
• 41:39
  Speaker 2: About yes, yes, so let us know what you want
• 41:41
  Speaker 2: to hear about.
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: Absolutely make suggestions as well. So anyway, thank you all
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: for being here. We're so grateful and until next time, peace, love,
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: and perspective.