Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / The Psychology of Where You Live | The Ten Minute Radius And Why it Matters

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The Psychology of Where You Live | The Ten Minute Radius And Why it Matters · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:03
Speaker 1: Hello my beautiful beans and welcome to the podcast episode
0:06
Speaker 1: of today. So my name is Alexis Fernandez. This is
0:09
Speaker 1: Do You Fucking Mind? This is the podcast that's going
0:11
Speaker 1: to help you change your relationship with yourself and your
0:14
Speaker 1: brain and your life. And today we are talking about
0:19
Speaker 1: the psychology of where you live. This is something that
0:23
Speaker 1: has been cropping up a lot in in my awareness,
0:26
Speaker 1: not just in my feeds on social media. And I've
0:30
Speaker 1: been seeing it spoke, like people talk about it on
0:32
Speaker 1: different podcasts, but it's also something that I speak to
0:34
Speaker 1: a lot of my friends and family about and why
0:38
Speaker 1: it is so important to really be aware of the
0:42
Speaker 1: key factors of where you live and what are the
0:44
Speaker 1: things that you're gonna prioritize over other things. I also
0:48
Speaker 1: am very aware that there are certain amenities that suburbs have.
0:52
Speaker 1: that people are just priced out of. So I'm, I
0:55
Speaker 1: don't want this episode to come from a perspective of like,
0:57
Speaker 1: oh my God, just, you know, live in Bondi beach
1:00
Speaker 1: and your life will be, I don't live in Bondi
1:01
Speaker 1: beach by the way, but you know, as an example,
1:04
Speaker 1: but a lot of what I'm saying can be applied
1:07
Speaker 1: to many, many, many, many, many different areas around Australia
1:12
Speaker 1: or the world. It doesn't need to be that you
1:14
Speaker 1: have to live in the best suburb in the CBD.
1:17
Speaker 1: This also applies to suburbs and it also applies to
1:21
Speaker 1: small towns. What I talk about with the psychology of
1:24
Speaker 1: where you live has to do with this, ultimately like
1:27
Speaker 1: this 10 minute radius that we're going to be talking about. Now,
1:48
Speaker 1: another thing that I do want to say before I
1:50
Speaker 1: get into this episode, and it pains me that I
1:52
Speaker 1: even have to say this because I think that most
1:54
Speaker 1: of my listeners are relatively self-aware people. So this probably
1:59
Speaker 1: doesn't need to be said, but there's always going to
2:01
Speaker 1: be a category of people that need to make something
2:05
Speaker 1: about them. If you are somebody that enjoys legitimate solitude,
2:10
Speaker 1: that the thought of bumping into an absolute random on
2:14
Speaker 1: your way to walk your dog just ruins your life
2:18
Speaker 1: and you hate the general population, then this episode is
2:21
Speaker 1: not for you. It's just not for you, okay? But also,
2:25
Speaker 1: why are you listening to my podcast in general? Because
2:27
Speaker 1: a lot of my podcast is about relationships and community
2:30
Speaker 1: and making friends and all of that. So that just
2:32
Speaker 1: wouldn't make sense. But yeah, there are people out there that...
2:36
Speaker 1: do not feel happier when they're around other people. Their
2:39
Speaker 1: idea of happiness is absolute solitude. They never feel lonely
2:42
Speaker 1: and they prefer to be alone. But when we look
2:45
Speaker 1: at the data and the statistics on mental health, the
2:48
Speaker 1: general population, and when we talk about general population, there
2:52
Speaker 1: are outliers to data sets. The general population has better
2:57
Speaker 1: mental health, better levels of life satisfaction, longer lifespan, and
3:03
Speaker 1: better overall health outcomes on everything, when they are connected
3:07
Speaker 1: to their community, when they feel a part of something,
3:10
Speaker 1: when they have good, close relationships. So if that's not you, congratulations.
3:16
Speaker 1: But I'm talking to the general population, all right? I
3:19
Speaker 1: hate that I had to say that, but you'll be amazed.
3:20
Speaker 1: There's always someone like, oh, fuck, that's not me. It's like, okay,
3:24
Speaker 1: then don't. Here's a prime example. I'm just going to
3:27
Speaker 1: have my little vent before I get into the episode
3:29
Speaker 1: of today. I follow this woman. Um, what's her name? Um,
3:33
Speaker 1: I think it's like owned by femme or something. Anyway,
3:35
Speaker 1: she on Instagram, she's fucking fabulous. And all her content
3:39
Speaker 1: is around. She's single. She's a single woman. I'm guessing
3:43
Speaker 1: in her thirties. I don't know. I mean, she, I
3:45
Speaker 1: don't know. She owns her own home. The way she's
3:48
Speaker 1: styled it is unbelievable. A lot of her videos are
3:51
Speaker 1: about how her home has been styled or when she
3:53
Speaker 1: hosts lunches or dinners for all her girlfriends. Um, it's
3:58
Speaker 1: just a very aesthetic, really cool life for a single
4:01
Speaker 1: like successful woman. Okay. And she uploads things on like
4:06
Speaker 1: her morning routine and her morning routine is the routine
4:09
Speaker 1: that a successful, well-off single woman would have. But then
4:13
Speaker 1: there are people that are like, lol, try doing this
4:16
Speaker 1: with kids. Fucking try doing this with kids. It's like,
4:19
Speaker 1: it's not about you. This fucking content is not for you.
4:22
Speaker 1: If you have children, I have kids by the way,
4:25
Speaker 1: and I find her morning routines very comforting and inspirational.
4:29
Speaker 1: And while I can't follow them to the T because
4:31
Speaker 1: I have children, I can still draw inspiration from certain
4:35
Speaker 1: aspects of her life and be like, I love that.
4:37
Speaker 1: I'm inspired by that. I'm going to include that in
4:38
Speaker 1: my life. I don't think, oh, she has no fucking
4:41
Speaker 1: idea what she's talking about because she's not a mum
4:44
Speaker 1: vlogger for fuck's sake. And it's like those people in
4:48
Speaker 1: the time that it takes you to write a comment
4:51
Speaker 1: on someone's page being like, well, you don't understand because, well,
4:54
Speaker 1: this doesn't apply to me. You could have literally searched
4:58
Speaker 1: for 100,000 influencers that have a more adjacent version of
5:04
Speaker 1: their life to yours. And then you could have just
5:07
Speaker 1: consumed their content. There is no easier time in this
5:09
Speaker 1: world to find people that align with you for you
5:13
Speaker 1: to quote unquote relate to. So yeah, I just think
5:18
Speaker 1: it's a bit of a pet hate when people make
5:20
Speaker 1: themselves the unnecessary victim. If it doesn't apply to you,
5:24
Speaker 1: it's not an attack. It just doesn't apply to you.
5:27
Speaker 1: No one's like, this idea of black and white thinking
5:30
Speaker 1: is what separates people so much. And this is why
5:33
Speaker 1: I think social media is such a love-hate relationship for
5:36
Speaker 1: so many people because they feel like there's this like
5:38
Speaker 1: big divide between people. There's so many haters, but then
5:41
Speaker 1: you really find your community on there. So I think
5:44
Speaker 1: that's why people feel very torn when it comes to
5:46
Speaker 1: social media. Anyway, that's my fucking rant. Let's get into
5:50
Speaker 1: the actual topic of today's episode, which is all about
5:55
Speaker 1: the psychology of where you live. Now, I am going
5:57
Speaker 1: to say that the main inspiration for this episode is
6:02
Speaker 1: someone on Instagram called Bobby in Space. He actually studies
6:06
Speaker 1: the psychology of where you live. So if you're really
6:08
Speaker 1: interested and inspired by this episode, please go check out
6:12
Speaker 1: his page because he talks a lot about this kind
6:14
Speaker 1: of stuff and he talks a lot about the inside
6:15
Speaker 1: and different studies and all of that. So it's very,
6:17
Speaker 1: very cool. So big shout out. And I also then
6:20
Speaker 1: based on his videos that I saw, I then was
6:23
Speaker 1: doing a bit of deeper research into that. And it's
6:26
Speaker 1: very similar to what he says. So in this episode,
6:28
Speaker 1: we're going to be talking about the idea of like
6:31
Speaker 1: big house, small life paradox. what a social immune system
6:35
Speaker 1: is and how it affects you. We're going to be
6:37
Speaker 1: talking about this idea of chrono-urbanism, which I didn't know
6:40
Speaker 1: what it was until I researched for this episode, and
6:43
Speaker 1: how it reduces stress. This 10-minute radius that I'm heavily
6:48
Speaker 1: focusing this episode on, and the relationship between happiness and
6:52
Speaker 1: proximity to community, okay? First, let's talk about the relationship
6:56
Speaker 1: between happiness and proximity to community. So where you live
7:01
Speaker 1: is going to dictate who you are more likely to
7:03
Speaker 1: spend time with, who you socialize with more regularly. And
7:08
Speaker 1: in some cases, it's going to dictate how little or
7:13
Speaker 1: how much you are going to get to meet new people.
7:17
Speaker 1: So if you look at spontaneous hangouts versus scheduled hangouts,
7:23
Speaker 1: hangouts with people that you have to plan and lock
7:25
Speaker 1: in and make time for, it's often the the ones
7:31
Speaker 1: that you have more spontaneous, more like often hangouts with
7:37
Speaker 1: these people, it's normally because of proximity. So if you
7:41
Speaker 1: take me for an example, I am, and I've spoken
7:44
Speaker 1: about this a thousand times, but I'm very fortunate to
7:46
Speaker 1: live in a very tight, close proximity to four of
7:49
Speaker 1: my best girlfriends. And it's fucking awesome. And I never
7:53
Speaker 1: take that for granted. And I'm very well aware of
7:55
Speaker 1: how fortunate I am for that. Now, I love these girls,
7:58
Speaker 1: love them so much. There are also a lot of
8:00
Speaker 1: other girls that I have very close friendships with in
8:02
Speaker 1: Sydney who I fucking adore, but they are over the bridge.
8:06
Speaker 1: And if you live in Sydney, you fucking know, if
8:08
Speaker 1: you are over the bridge, you're fucking over the bridge.
8:10
Speaker 1: That Harbour Bridge is like, it's over to the dark side.
8:13
Speaker 1: And I know that people on the north side also
8:14
Speaker 1: think that we are the dark side. So I'm just
8:16
Speaker 1: saying that with love. But my friends that live over
8:18
Speaker 1: the bridge, I just fucking never get to see them.
8:21
Speaker 1: It's because that 40-minute drive... 40 minutes in the scheme
8:26
Speaker 1: of things, it's like, oh, that's not too much. But
8:27
Speaker 1: you've killed spontaneity. That spontaneity is gone. That quick coffee
8:32
Speaker 1: before you start to work, there's no way in hell
8:34
Speaker 1: you're driving 40 minutes for a quick coffee in the morning,
8:36
Speaker 1: 40 minutes back. I'm not going to walk my children
8:39
Speaker 1: fucking to the northern beaches. There's all these little things
8:44
Speaker 1: that cock block you from seeing this person. And it's
8:47
Speaker 1: not about lack of effort because the relationship I have
8:51
Speaker 1: with these girls over the bridge is phenomenal. I love
8:53
Speaker 1: them so much. But the spontaneity is dead. I just
8:58
Speaker 1: can't have a spontaneous hangout with them. It just doesn't happen.
9:01
Speaker 1: My life is on this side, their life is on
9:02
Speaker 1: that side. So in order for us to cut out
9:03
Speaker 1: 40 minutes commute, plus hangout, plus another 40 minutes back,
9:07
Speaker 1: you need to plan that. Whereas that proximity, that 10
9:11
Speaker 1: minute radius, it is a quick text saying, hey, what
9:14
Speaker 1: are you doing right now? And you're going to be
9:16
Speaker 1: rejected many times being like, oh, I'm at work or
9:18
Speaker 1: I'm this or I'm that or I can't or blah, blah, blah.
9:20
Speaker 1: But every once in a while, someone picks up that
9:22
Speaker 1: That offer, oh, I'm actually about to walk my dog. Same,
9:24
Speaker 1: me too, let's catch up for a coffee, okay? So
9:27
Speaker 1: what I'm talking about is that proximity really dictates who
9:31
Speaker 1: you socialise with way more. You could have someone that
9:33
Speaker 1: lives in the same city that you probably catch up
9:35
Speaker 1: with twice a year because that fucking thing of life
9:38
Speaker 1: gets in the way. That spontaneity... that ability to have
9:49
Speaker 1: spontaneity with people in close proximity is what gives a
9:52
Speaker 1: lot of individuals this kind of sense of belonging to
9:56
Speaker 1: their community, their suburb, their social group, a feeling that
10:00
Speaker 1: you belong to something. I'm going to be talking about
10:03
Speaker 1: the feeling of belonging later on in this episode. So
10:07
Speaker 1: there is a big correlation between happiness and proximity. People
10:15
Speaker 1: who even have children and their parents live very close
10:18
Speaker 1: by are going to have likely, statistically, better mental health
10:23
Speaker 1: outcomes because of the support, the family support, not just
10:26
Speaker 1: with the help with the child, but that mental psychological
10:29
Speaker 1: support of having people that are really close to you
10:32
Speaker 1: live nearby. The same goes for close friends, siblings, et cetera,
10:36
Speaker 1: et cetera. Now we're going to, now let's move on
10:39
Speaker 1: to talking about this idea of the quote unquote 10
10:41
Speaker 1: minute radius and what you need to look for as
10:45
Speaker 1: far as wherever you live. In 10 minutes, what are
10:49
Speaker 1: you able to get to, okay? What can you get
10:53
Speaker 1: to walking in 10 minutes and what can you get
10:55
Speaker 1: to driving in 10 minutes? Because when you think of
10:58
Speaker 1: 10 minutes, that's very much like, oh yeah, fine, 10
11:01
Speaker 1: minutes is fine. 20 minutes, that starts, you know, because
11:05
Speaker 1: it's 20 minutes to get there, 20 minutes to get there.
11:06
Speaker 1: Then you start thinking a bit more, 30 minutes, that's
11:09
Speaker 1: a whole nother story. 40 minutes, forget about it, okay?
11:11
Speaker 1: So what is within your 10 minute radius? Anything beyond
11:15
Speaker 1: the 10 minute radius is, introduces friction, a reason to
11:20
Speaker 1: not do that thing, a reason to put it off,
11:23
Speaker 1: or a reason to, you know, block it all into
11:26
Speaker 1: one giant errand. So look at the difference here, and
11:29
Speaker 1: I am going to compare this to other cities around
11:33
Speaker 1: the world, because there's certain cities that are really built
11:36
Speaker 1: around this kind of 10-minute radius kind of concept, and
11:41
Speaker 1: there's cities that are very, very, very different to that.
11:44
Speaker 1: So I lived in Paris, and I think Paris... in the,
11:47
Speaker 1: you know, centre of Paris and like the main like
11:49
Speaker 1: 20 arrondissements, nails this concept, okay? And so do many
11:52
Speaker 1: European cities for that matter. But imagine that I live
11:57
Speaker 1: 15 minutes to 20 minutes drive from like grocery stores
12:02
Speaker 1: and everything. If I have errands to run, this is
12:05
Speaker 1: what I'm going to do. I'm going to block my groceries.
12:08
Speaker 1: things I need to do from the pharmacy. Maybe I
12:10
Speaker 1: need to buy an outfit and I know where I'm
12:11
Speaker 1: going to buy that outfit from. So I'll go to
12:13
Speaker 1: that shop and then I'm going to do this and
12:14
Speaker 1: I'm going to do that. And while I'm there, I'm
12:16
Speaker 1: going to catch up with that friend for coffee. So
12:17
Speaker 1: what I end up doing is I pick a block
12:20
Speaker 1: on Saturday, big block. And in that time, I'm going
12:23
Speaker 1: to do groceries, this, that, and I knock it all
12:25
Speaker 1: over in one big chunk. And I see my friend
12:28
Speaker 1: for coffee while I'm at it. So then bang, bang, bang,
12:30
Speaker 1: I knocked it all out. On Saturday, I get it
12:32
Speaker 1: all done. And then I drive home. And then other
12:35
Speaker 1: than my commute back and forth to work, if I
12:37
Speaker 1: work outside of the home, that's kind of my week, right?
12:40
Speaker 1: Pretty isolating for the rest of the week. Yes, I
12:43
Speaker 1: can get it all done in one go. But what
12:44
Speaker 1: does that mean as far as my feeling of connectedness
12:48
Speaker 1: to where I live versus someone that lives 10 minutes walking?
12:51
Speaker 1: And this could be done in a small town. It
12:53
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be in the CBD, okay? It could
12:55
Speaker 1: be done in a suburb where there's like a little
12:57
Speaker 1: shopping precinct and the friends and everybody. So again, you
13:00
Speaker 1: can apply this to many different areas. But versus where
13:02
Speaker 1: you can walk somewhere. Think about it. Monday night, oh,
13:05
Speaker 1: I actually need to pick up that thing. I'm going
13:07
Speaker 1: to walk down to the local store and get this.
13:09
Speaker 1: I'm actually going to walk to get a coffee because
13:11
Speaker 1: I need some fresh air. And while I'm walking... I'm
13:13
Speaker 1: also walking my dog and I'm bumping into people along
13:16
Speaker 1: the way. I get that coffee and then I pick
13:17
Speaker 1: up the veggies that I was going to. And before
13:19
Speaker 1: you know it, you've probably gone to the grocery store
13:21
Speaker 1: maybe four times that week to get a few ingredients
13:24
Speaker 1: here and there. You've then gone to the pharmacy and back.
13:27
Speaker 1: That's a separate trip on its own. You've then gone
13:29
Speaker 1: and said, oh, let's have a coffee. You've probably left
13:31
Speaker 1: the house 20 times, 20 fucking times versus the one block. Now,
13:37
Speaker 1: you might think that's a waste of time, but I
13:39
Speaker 1: look at that as you're connection to being outside. You've
13:42
Speaker 1: more opportunities to be outside. You're walking outside, you're seeing people.
13:45
Speaker 1: Just being around people in general, just living, increases people's happiness.
13:51
Speaker 1: Seeing people around, saying hi to the barista, saying hi
13:54
Speaker 1: to the person at the cash register, if you don't
13:57
Speaker 1: fucking go through the fucking self-checkouts at Woolworths, which are
14:00
Speaker 1: the bane of my existence. All these mini micro interactions
14:04
Speaker 1: where you walk your dog at the dog park and
14:05
Speaker 1: you start talking to this, you know, there are Within
14:09
Speaker 1: my day, even if I don't bump into friends of mine,
14:12
Speaker 1: just by walking my dog, taking the dog to the
14:15
Speaker 1: dog park, maybe having a coffee, just because I am
14:18
Speaker 1: out and about and I know my neighbours in my
14:20
Speaker 1: suburb who I'm not even good friends with, but people
14:22
Speaker 1: that I know, plus when I re-enter my building and
14:24
Speaker 1: I say hi to people, I've probably interacted with maybe 10,
14:28
Speaker 1: six to 10 people, like actually looked them in the
14:31
Speaker 1: eye and said something to them before my workday has
14:33
Speaker 1: even started. That's amazing, okay? As far as someone who
14:38
Speaker 1: feels isolated, that is amazing. So this idea of that
14:42
Speaker 1: 10-minute radius really tells you what is accessible within 10 minutes.
14:46
Speaker 1: Because if it's accessible within 10 minutes, especially walking, ideally walking,
14:51
Speaker 1: then that means that my interaction with the outside world
14:55
Speaker 1: is going to increase dramatically, dramatically. And it's going to
15:02
Speaker 1: encourage me to be interacting with people out there. Okay. Now,
15:09
Speaker 1: another thing that I did want to, oh, okay, so sorry,
15:12
Speaker 1: I did say I was going to reference Paris or
15:14
Speaker 1: European cities. One thing that I loved, especially about the
15:17
Speaker 1: regions that I lived in within Paris and kind of
15:20
Speaker 1: central Paris, is that these big fucking shopping centres where
15:23
Speaker 1: you drive your car into this massive car park and
15:26
Speaker 1: you get out and then you fill a trolley up
15:28
Speaker 1: and then you fit. That's not a thing that people
15:31
Speaker 1: do on a regular basis in these like built up
15:34
Speaker 1: European cities. You're more likely because you're not firstly driving.
15:38
Speaker 1: A lot of the time you're not driving. It's walking distance.
15:41
Speaker 1: You're buying what you can carry and you're then walking
15:44
Speaker 1: that home. So then you're constantly interacting here, there. When
15:48
Speaker 1: I was living in Paris, I had the boulangerie where
15:49
Speaker 1: I'd get the bread. Then I'd have a place where
15:51
Speaker 1: I'd get my fruits and veggies. Then I'd have a
15:53
Speaker 1: place where I kind of get like the monoprix where
15:55
Speaker 1: I get kind of all the other random shit. Okay.
15:57
Speaker 1: And that's bang, walking back and forth, back and maybe
16:01
Speaker 1: get on a Metro to go here. And then, and
16:02
Speaker 1: then I'm back. It's the best. It was the fucking best.
16:05
Speaker 1: And I really felt connected. And I feel like that's
16:07
Speaker 1: what really painted such a nice experience of my time
16:09
Speaker 1: living there is because of the amount of time that
16:11
Speaker 1: I had out of the apartment, interacting with the outside world.
16:14
Speaker 1: I lived literally in a 14 meter squared apartment. It
16:18
Speaker 1: was tiny. That's like a bedroom by many people's standards.
16:23
Speaker 1: And I never felt like it was too small because
16:26
Speaker 1: I was constantly out and about. Then we've got something
16:28
Speaker 1: called chrono-urbanism. I've never, I'll be honest with you, I've
16:32
Speaker 1: never heard of this term before, but chrono-urbanism is a
16:34
Speaker 1: term that was created by urban planners and it refers
16:37
Speaker 1: to time-based living, like basically what I was saying about
16:41
Speaker 1: the 10-minute radius, which is where you can get to
16:43
Speaker 1: within a quick time limit and what reduces long-term chronic stress.
16:49
Speaker 1: So if every time you needed to get something, it
16:52
Speaker 1: required you getting in your car, sitting in traffic, a
16:55
Speaker 1: relatively long drive or a drive that's long enough to
16:58
Speaker 1: be annoying as what you've got to get done in
17:00
Speaker 1: the day. Finding a car park, then getting your way
17:03
Speaker 1: to the shop, then getting out of the car park,
17:04
Speaker 1: then there's traffic in the car. All these little things
17:08
Speaker 1: start to increase people's overall stress. It contributes to chronic stress.
17:13
Speaker 1: Always being in traffic, the commute, that, this, that, that. Okay.
17:16
Speaker 1: So that's why, and I'm not saying commuting is bad,
17:19
Speaker 1: but for me, my ideal commute is not driving. It's
17:22
Speaker 1: to get on a train or a bus where I
17:24
Speaker 1: can maybe read a book or maybe I can, whatever
17:27
Speaker 1: the fuck it is. But it's this, this is why
17:29
Speaker 1: I'm a, I'd much rather public transport than driving if
17:32
Speaker 1: it was like a daily thing that I had to do.
17:35
Speaker 1: So you can even have this 10 minute radius thing
17:37
Speaker 1: and live well out of the city near a train station,
17:39
Speaker 1: near a metro station or near a good bus station if,
17:42
Speaker 1: Fucking if you're in fucking Australia, the buses are fucking
17:45
Speaker 1: touch and go. But anyway, and that can really increase
17:50
Speaker 1: your quality of life. So chrono-urbanism is what can you
17:54
Speaker 1: get to where things are within a short timeframe of
17:58
Speaker 1: getting to and how that actually increases your mental health.
18:02
Speaker 1: And this is also proximity to like that train station
18:05
Speaker 1: or the metro station. That includes part of that proximity.
18:08
Speaker 1: That's why like when they open a metro station in
18:10
Speaker 1: a suburb in Sydney, the prices in that suburb obviously
18:13
Speaker 1: go up because everyone wants that, like the ability to
18:16
Speaker 1: stay connected easily and, you know, relatively cheaply. Okay. Now,
18:24
Speaker 1: let's emphasize on the importance of that casual catch up.
18:29
Speaker 1: I know I said it earlier, but I'm going to
18:32
Speaker 1: give a bit more depth into the importance of a
18:34
Speaker 1: casual catch-up. So spontaneous and casual catch-ups are so important
18:41
Speaker 1: and not to be kind of forgotten. This, I'm pretty
18:46
Speaker 1: sure it was this guy that I was referring to you,
18:48
Speaker 1: what was his name? Bobby in space. I think I
18:50
Speaker 1: saw it on his account. So I definitely want to credit,
18:54
Speaker 1: I think it was him. But it's what a lot
18:56
Speaker 1: of people do these days is they think, I'm going
18:58
Speaker 1: to host a dinner. I'm going to invite some friends over.
19:00
Speaker 1: It's going to be at this time and I'm going
19:01
Speaker 1: to host a dinner and it's going to be this
19:03
Speaker 1: theme and it's going to be whatever, which I love.
19:04
Speaker 1: I'm here for it. But make sure that you're not
19:08
Speaker 1: always making something a deal, making something a thing. Make
19:12
Speaker 1: sure that you still have, hey, do you want to
19:14
Speaker 1: come over and watch a movie? Hey, come over and
19:15
Speaker 1: we'll just pick up a pizza. Make sure that you
19:18
Speaker 1: always maintain this idea of a casual catch-up, not just
19:22
Speaker 1: spontaneous but casual catch-up. You have to reduce the barrier
19:25
Speaker 1: to entry to socialize. So when people live nearby, it
19:29
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be like, oh, I'm going to host
19:31
Speaker 1: this thing. Host, by all means, especially if you like it.
19:34
Speaker 1: But also create these things where it's just a no-brainer
19:38
Speaker 1: to have someone come over or for you to go
19:39
Speaker 1: over to their place, where it's really easy to access
19:43
Speaker 1: each other as friends, that circle. Another thing I'm going
19:46
Speaker 1: to say is a lot of people get very technical
19:53
Speaker 1: on what a good friend should be and what Tit
19:57
Speaker 1: for tat. If I do this and my friend does
19:59
Speaker 1: this and I message my friend three times and they
20:01
Speaker 1: never message me back. People need to calm the fuck down.
20:05
Speaker 1: And yes, look out for red flags in a friend. Yes,
20:08
Speaker 1: look out for someone that's completely lackluster and never puts
20:11
Speaker 1: in the effort. But also don't be, you know, counting.
20:15
Speaker 1: I did one and then now you have to do
20:18
Speaker 1: one because that is the most infuriating thing for yourself
20:21
Speaker 1: and also for your friend. So, for example, my best
20:25
Speaker 1: friend Liv, she lives roughly– like 10 minutes walk away
20:28
Speaker 1: from me. So if I'm walking my dog, I might
20:31
Speaker 1: message Liv and say, hey, I'm taking her bib out
20:32
Speaker 1: for a walk. Do you want to meet me for
20:34
Speaker 1: a coffee with Lester, her dog? And several times, and
20:38
Speaker 1: sometimes in a row, she might say, oh, babe, sorry,
20:41
Speaker 1: I had to go to work early. No, sorry, I
20:42
Speaker 1: had to drop Rex off at daycare. I've got to
20:44
Speaker 1: do this. I've got to do that. I might be
20:45
Speaker 1: rejected three days in a row. I'm not going to
20:47
Speaker 1: sit there being like, that's the fucking last time I'm
20:50
Speaker 1: messaging Liv, inviting her. Forget about it. She can message
20:53
Speaker 1: me back. That's what people do these days, which is crazy.
20:56
Speaker 1: But for me, I think, well, I'm already going to
20:58
Speaker 1: take my dog out or I'm already going to walk
21:00
Speaker 1: with the babies out in the pram. So what's a message?
21:03
Speaker 1: What's a text in someone that lives in such a
21:05
Speaker 1: close radius? You know, it's a numbers game. If I
21:08
Speaker 1: keep inviting– mind you, she obviously invites me to do
21:11
Speaker 1: things as well. But you just throw it out there.
21:13
Speaker 1: I'm already doing this. I might as well just invite
21:15
Speaker 1: someone to do it. That's the spontaneous casual catch-up. So
21:18
Speaker 1: there's the casual catch-ups where you're not trying to plan
21:20
Speaker 1: so much. And then there's a spontaneity as well. Like, hey,
21:22
Speaker 1: I'm doing this right now. Do you want to join?
21:25
Speaker 1: And if they don't join, it doesn't matter because you
21:26
Speaker 1: were already going to do that thing. And then. also
21:30
Speaker 1: very often lives like, yeah, babe, I'm literally walking out
21:33
Speaker 1: the door with Lester. Let's meet at, you know, this
21:34
Speaker 1: particular cafe. Bang, meet for a coffee. We'll go for
21:37
Speaker 1: a walk with our dogs. We would have still done
21:39
Speaker 1: that thing regardless. It's like, how many times can you
21:41
Speaker 1: throw the net, cast the net, cast the net, cast
21:44
Speaker 1: the net, spontaneous, spontaneous, spontaneous. This is how you can
21:47
Speaker 1: make friends. You can meet someone in your building who
21:50
Speaker 1: maybe has a dog and say, hey, tomorrow morning, 8am,
21:51
Speaker 1: should we just walk our dogs together? How easy was that?
21:55
Speaker 1: And then maybe you walk with them and you're like, well,
21:56
Speaker 1: they were a bore. I'm not going to do that again. Fine.
21:58
Speaker 1: but it's a numbers game. You meet people, you catch
22:01
Speaker 1: up with people, you start getting to know them. If
22:04
Speaker 1: you live near your friends, make the most of it.
22:07
Speaker 1: Cast the net wide, keep talking, keep offering, offering, offering.
22:12
Speaker 1: It's easy to get caught up in the day-to-day, but
22:15
Speaker 1: sometimes you can be running an errand, you could be
22:17
Speaker 1: walking your dog, you can be doing something, and that's
22:19
Speaker 1: an opportunity to like hang out with your people, with
22:22
Speaker 1: your community. And that's really gonna help your mental health. Now,
22:34
Speaker 1: the next thing I want to touch on is the
22:36
Speaker 1: big house, small life idea. And this is that sometimes
22:42
Speaker 1: in the search for I need a backyard, I need
22:44
Speaker 1: a bigger house, I need more room, I need a
22:46
Speaker 1: bigger living room, I need this, I need a car
22:48
Speaker 1: park with two spaces, I need blah, blah, blah. So
22:50
Speaker 1: then you move further and further and further and further
22:52
Speaker 1: and further and further out so you can have these things, right?
22:55
Speaker 1: Because you need them, right? But then when you do that,
22:59
Speaker 1: you then feel like your life is not as big anymore.
23:04
Speaker 1: everything happens in that house so in on a quest
23:07
Speaker 1: for more space and more we've actually created less less
23:11
Speaker 1: connection less social interaction and like I said at the
23:14
Speaker 1: start of the episode there are some people that fucking
23:15
Speaker 1: love that they just can't get enough of that great
23:18
Speaker 1: great great but many people I've got I can think
23:20
Speaker 1: of at least four at least off the top of
23:22
Speaker 1: my head four good friends of mine who when they
23:25
Speaker 1: had either their first baby or after they had their
23:29
Speaker 1: first and then they were going to have their second
23:30
Speaker 1: they had this moment of like we need more space
23:32
Speaker 1: we need more space This is crazy. We need a yard.
23:35
Speaker 1: We need this. We need that. So they did that.
23:37
Speaker 1: They moved from like closer into the city where it's
23:40
Speaker 1: obviously expensive. So you can't have that in the city.
23:43
Speaker 1: And they moved way out, like 40 plus minutes out.
23:46
Speaker 1: All four of these friends of mine. And all of
23:49
Speaker 1: them have reported feeling isolated. They said, oh, like, yeah.
23:53
Speaker 1: And mind you, the house is lovely. You go there
23:56
Speaker 1: and I think fucking, like, this is fucking amazing. I live,
24:01
Speaker 1: Tyrone and I live in an apartment paying for... Fuck
24:03
Speaker 1: off rent in Sydney. It's bullshit. But it's the proximity
24:08
Speaker 1: that we're paying for. We're paying for that. But it's
24:09
Speaker 1: apartment living. We've got twins. We've got a dog. But
24:13
Speaker 1: we've got all these other things. And then we look
24:15
Speaker 1: at our friends who have moved way out and we
24:16
Speaker 1: go and visit them and they've got this grassy yard.
24:19
Speaker 1: They've got this. They've got all these rooms, like space
24:21
Speaker 1: for days. But they're like, I'm isolated. I'm fucking isolated.
24:25
Speaker 1: I never get to see my friends. Maybe once every
24:27
Speaker 1: three weeks. Because then on top of that, you've got
24:29
Speaker 1: the kids. So then there's less spontaneity. She's like, up
24:32
Speaker 1: and leave. Whereas if you can just throw them in
24:33
Speaker 1: the pram and walk to meet your friend, it's a
24:35
Speaker 1: lot easier. Walking the dog is isolating because they're in
24:38
Speaker 1: suburbia and it wasn't what it used to be where
24:40
Speaker 1: they could just walk their dog to that cafe where
24:41
Speaker 1: there'd be 100 people and this and that. Maybe not 100,
24:43
Speaker 1: but you know what I'm saying. So on this quest
24:46
Speaker 1: for the big house, people sometimes make a small life
24:49
Speaker 1: for themselves. I was watching this woman on Instagram. She...
24:55
Speaker 1: I wish I... This was ages ago. But anyway, she
24:57
Speaker 1: used to live in Manhattan and she had her first
25:00
Speaker 1: child and she... made it work then she had her
25:04
Speaker 1: second child and her and husband thought no no no
25:06
Speaker 1: this is when we need to move out to the
25:08
Speaker 1: suburbs and they moved hours away I don't know what
25:10
Speaker 1: state it was in the US but they moved hours
25:12
Speaker 1: away and they had the big house with the yard
25:15
Speaker 1: and this and for her she said what I thought
25:18
Speaker 1: would be such a good thing for all of us
25:20
Speaker 1: because we had space because we had all of this
25:23
Speaker 1: she was like my daily walks I'm not interacting with
25:25
Speaker 1: almost anyone I might wave to one or two people
25:28
Speaker 1: it's just I'm walking and walking and it's just like
25:30
Speaker 1: house house house tree tree tree whereas when she was
25:33
Speaker 1: in Manhattan it was like she could take the kids
25:34
Speaker 1: to the park they would interact with all these other
25:36
Speaker 1: kids she was friends with the mums and this and
25:37
Speaker 1: that so they actually after about a year of like
25:40
Speaker 1: umming and ahhing they actually packed up their life and
25:42
Speaker 1: moved back to Manhattan in a much smaller place but
25:45
Speaker 1: where they were out and about interacting all the time
25:48
Speaker 1: now obviously this is just her experience but what she
25:50
Speaker 1: was pretty much saying is that sometimes on that quest
25:54
Speaker 1: to create more space for you and your family, you
25:56
Speaker 1: end up feeling more shut off from the world. Now
26:00
Speaker 1: let's talk about this behavioral social immune system, like the
26:03
Speaker 1: beneficial effects of social support and pro-social behavior on immunity
26:10
Speaker 1: and health. So we know that obviously COVID happened. And
26:16
Speaker 1: because of COVID, there was a lot of data that
26:19
Speaker 1: we had, a lot of research on the impact of
26:21
Speaker 1: isolation on people's wellbeing and mental health. And this is
26:24
Speaker 1: not just isolation from loved ones, because sometimes you just
26:27
Speaker 1: live far away from loved ones. It's general isolation from humans,
26:31
Speaker 1: from your community. You might... be an exchange student, but
26:36
Speaker 1: just that general out and about, even if your friends
26:38
Speaker 1: and family aren't there, is like that nice interaction that
26:41
Speaker 1: you have that keeps your mental health strong. But when
26:44
Speaker 1: you're isolated at home and you don't have that person-to-person interaction,
26:48
Speaker 1: we saw a huge decline in mental health, massive spikes
26:56
Speaker 1: of people reporting loneliness, depression, and this social isolation's impact
27:02
Speaker 1: on immunity and health. It was to the extent health-wise,
27:07
Speaker 1: when you are isolated socially and feeling alone, like where
27:12
Speaker 1: you don't want that to be the case, and you
27:15
Speaker 1: feel like you're upset about it, the impact is the
27:19
Speaker 1: same as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, roughly, which is
27:24
Speaker 1: not ideal. So social connection... and feeling supported by your
27:30
Speaker 1: community is a predictive factor against heart problems, mood disorders,
27:34
Speaker 1: such as depression, and it's linked to longevity and it's
27:37
Speaker 1: linked to health span, which is different to lifespan. Lifespan,
27:41
Speaker 1: you could be, you know, you could have had dementia
27:44
Speaker 1: for the last 10 years and live until 100, but
27:46
Speaker 1: that's not really a life, is it? So we're talking
27:48
Speaker 1: health span, how long you can live a healthy, you know,
27:53
Speaker 1: robust life. So that's important. That's what we talk about
27:57
Speaker 1: when we're talking about social immune system. There is a
28:00
Speaker 1: lot to be said and there's a lot of data
28:02
Speaker 1: and studies to back this, a lot. And COVID really,
28:06
Speaker 1: there was always data to back this, but since COVID
28:09
Speaker 1: there was just this huge surge of research because we
28:11
Speaker 1: had so many numbers to work with and it's just
28:13
Speaker 1: all been confirmed, what we knew for a long time. Now,
28:17
Speaker 1: the other thing I am going to say is that
28:21
Speaker 1: this study psychology of where you live. When you live
28:24
Speaker 1: around a community, when you live in that 10 minute radius,
28:27
Speaker 1: that proximity where you can go and buy that thing
28:30
Speaker 1: and walk your dog here and do that. And you're
28:32
Speaker 1: seeing people day in, day out in your community and
28:35
Speaker 1: you have that opportunity to interact. It also gives you
28:38
Speaker 1: the opportunity to have, to feel useful, to be involved,
28:45
Speaker 1: to belong to a community, basically. And when you belong
28:52
Speaker 1: to a community, you receive the benefits of having a community,
28:56
Speaker 1: but then you also feel fulfilled because you can give
29:00
Speaker 1: benefits to other people for them being in the community.
29:03
Speaker 1: You are, you know, when they say be the village
29:05
Speaker 1: that people want, it's kind of like that. It's you
29:07
Speaker 1: are contributing to someone else, but then you're also getting
29:10
Speaker 1: a massive contribution from other people to your wellbeing. There
29:14
Speaker 1: is no better feeling than a true sense of belonging.
29:18
Speaker 1: When we feel that we belong to a group of friends,
29:22
Speaker 1: even just a best friend, a family, a community, a town,
29:28
Speaker 1: a sporting team, or a nation. You know when you
29:32
Speaker 1: really feel, you know when it's like the World Cup
29:34
Speaker 1: or it's whatever, all of a sudden you feel a
29:37
Speaker 1: sense of community or a bonding with other spectators that
29:39
Speaker 1: are there. It's that camaraderie and there's no better feeling
29:43
Speaker 1: and obviously you can have it on a very intimate
29:44
Speaker 1: scale with your friends and family and then on a
29:47
Speaker 1: broader scale with community or with teams or with whatever.
29:50
Speaker 1: It's that feeling of like I feel a part of
29:53
Speaker 1: something that's bigger than me and I feel like it
29:55
Speaker 1: supports me, it supports my mental health It makes me
29:59
Speaker 1: feel connected. That is a feeling that people who don't
30:02
Speaker 1: have it crave it. That's the main thing that they
30:07
Speaker 1: would want in their life. So many of my questions
30:09
Speaker 1: that I get in from my listeners have to do
30:11
Speaker 1: with finding their people, finding that sense of belonging. So
30:18
Speaker 1: that is one of the best ways that you can
30:20
Speaker 1: increase your life satisfaction if you can increase your sense
30:23
Speaker 1: of belonging. So one of the healthiest forms of that
30:25
Speaker 1: is really being part of that community, being involved, making
30:29
Speaker 1: yourself useful, making yourself feel like you have added value
30:34
Speaker 1: to the community or to somebody else's life. Even if
30:37
Speaker 1: it's just by sharing a smile, even if it's just
30:40
Speaker 1: by saying, how was your day today? There's this old
30:42
Speaker 1: man that lives in my building, John, fucking legend. And
30:45
Speaker 1: every time I see him, I'll ask him a question
30:48
Speaker 1: about his daughter or his granddaughter that came to visit
30:50
Speaker 1: or this. And sometimes we'll stand at the elevator and
30:52
Speaker 1: He'll literally tell me a story that goes for 10 minutes.
30:54
Speaker 1: And this man is like well into his 80s. And
30:57
Speaker 1: it's just a really nice interaction for both of us.
31:00
Speaker 1: So I get to know my neighbour a bit better,
31:03
Speaker 1: which I really like. He's lived in this suburb for
31:05
Speaker 1: like 40 years and he tells me stories about what
31:08
Speaker 1: it used to be like. So I get a lot
31:09
Speaker 1: out of it. And he probably gets a lot out
31:11
Speaker 1: of it too because his face lights up when he
31:13
Speaker 1: talks about his children and his grandchildren and all of that.
31:16
Speaker 1: And that's really beautiful too. So we both get at
31:18
Speaker 1: this really nice positive interaction and we've both benefited each
31:21
Speaker 1: other's day when we do that. That happens not just
31:24
Speaker 1: with my neighbor, John, but it happens with other people
31:25
Speaker 1: in the building as well. Have the time, give the
31:28
Speaker 1: fucking time to have this interaction. Another thing that I love,
31:31
Speaker 1: I've got twins, as you guys fucking know, And all
31:35
Speaker 1: the time I get, oh, double trouble, oh, that's, oh,
31:39
Speaker 1: and people make, like I'm walking down the street and
31:40
Speaker 1: people always make a comment about the fact that it's
31:43
Speaker 1: twins and it's double trouble and this and that. And
31:45
Speaker 1: I see a lot of people on social media being like,
31:47
Speaker 1: if I have one more fucking person tell me double
31:49
Speaker 1: trouble with twins. And I get it. It can be repetitive.
31:52
Speaker 1: I get it. I get it. But you can also
31:55
Speaker 1: change how you look at it. And I sometimes think,
31:57
Speaker 1: how cool is it that not only do I have twins,
32:00
Speaker 1: which is fucking cool, but I've got the opportunity to
32:03
Speaker 1: have these little interactions, especially older people. Older people love
32:07
Speaker 1: to talk to me about the twins. And how nice
32:09
Speaker 1: is it that I get to have this little interaction
32:12
Speaker 1: and these people that were just going on their walk
32:14
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden they've got a huge smile
32:15
Speaker 1: and they're looking at the twins and they're asking me
32:17
Speaker 1: questions and they're double trouble, whatever. And we have this
32:21
Speaker 1: nice exchange of an interaction. It's a bid for connection
32:24
Speaker 1: from a stranger. How nice is that? So you can
32:27
Speaker 1: sit there and be bitter, being like, fucking 10th time.
32:30
Speaker 1: And I get it. It can be annoying. But you
32:32
Speaker 1: can change how you look at something. Your perspective can
32:35
Speaker 1: change straight away. If I look at it being like,
32:37
Speaker 1: this is literally the 50th time someone said, or I
32:40
Speaker 1: can be like, how nice is it that I had
32:43
Speaker 1: an interaction with a stranger from my community. We both smiled.
32:46
Speaker 1: We both walked away. We said something nice. They literally
32:49
Speaker 1: look at the twins. And they'll often say something really beautiful.
32:51
Speaker 1: They'll start off saying double trouble and then they'll say,
32:53
Speaker 1: you know, well, how lucky are you? Or you've won
32:55
Speaker 1: the lottery. And you just have this, it's beautiful. It's
32:58
Speaker 1: fucking beautiful. I love it. I actually love it. When
33:00
Speaker 1: else would I randomly talk to that older lady down
33:04
Speaker 1: the street or that couple that lives in that building
33:06
Speaker 1: if it wasn't for this opportunity of this conversation starter
33:09
Speaker 1: of me walking with my twins? So those are the
33:13
Speaker 1: things in life that make you feel like a sense
33:16
Speaker 1: of belonging to your community. you get what you give back.
33:20
Speaker 1: When you interact, when you smile, when you give a compliment,
33:24
Speaker 1: when you help someone with their shopping to walk into
33:26
Speaker 1: their building, when you ask that old man in the
33:28
Speaker 1: building about his grandchildren, you get what you give. So
33:33
Speaker 1: those little sparks of interaction for me, I fucking love
33:37
Speaker 1: and it makes my life so rich. So it's not
33:40
Speaker 1: just that I live in that 10 minute radius of
33:42
Speaker 1: my friends because that's just like top tier, like lottery
33:46
Speaker 1: for me. But it's also the fact that I have
33:49
Speaker 1: the opportunity to interact with my neighbours, with my community.
33:54
Speaker 1: That's very, very nice. And it makes me like, if
33:58
Speaker 1: I get into the, even if I'm in a rush,
34:00
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, sorry, John, I've got to go. But
34:01
Speaker 1: how are you? Whatever. I still walk away with a
34:04
Speaker 1: smile on my face. I'm like, oh, that was really
34:05
Speaker 1: nice to talk to him. Those things make you and
34:10
Speaker 1: other people feel seen, feel heard. where people feel like
34:14
Speaker 1: they can share a part of themselves and their lives
34:16
Speaker 1: to other people and that is reciprocated. And that's what
34:19
Speaker 1: makes for people to feel like a sense of belonging.
34:22
Speaker 1: That's what turns someone from having an isolated, sad day
34:26
Speaker 1: to feeling open and connected and warm and more optimistic
34:29
Speaker 1: about their day. And we work together as a community
34:32
Speaker 1: to provide that for each other. And you don't have
34:34
Speaker 1: to be that person's best friend, but you can have
34:36
Speaker 1: that nice interaction every time you see them. You can
34:39
Speaker 1: just have it as that, like this nice person that
34:42
Speaker 1: you just have that moment every time you see them.
34:44
Speaker 1: And that's really, really healthy. And like, not just socially,
34:50
Speaker 1: but it's really healthy for your own immune system and
34:53
Speaker 1: your own mental health. So basically that is the episode
34:57
Speaker 1: of today. If you are someone that's looking to move,
35:00
Speaker 1: I would, I mean, I can't tell you what to do, obviously,
35:03
Speaker 1: but for me personally, I will, always pick location over
35:07
Speaker 1: space any day of the week. And I'm very lucky
35:10
Speaker 1: that we found like for an apartment, we've got like
35:13
Speaker 1: a good living room size so our kids can run
35:15
Speaker 1: amok in the living room space of our apartment. But
35:19
Speaker 1: even before that time, Rhonda and I lived in the
35:20
Speaker 1: tightest shoebox you could ever imagine, but it was in
35:22
Speaker 1: the best fucking location. And when we had to move,
35:25
Speaker 1: even though we were moving to a bigger apartment, still
35:27
Speaker 1: in the same area, I was like, oh, I'm really
35:29
Speaker 1: sad to leave this shoebox. Because for me, it's not,
35:32
Speaker 1: if you can have it all, fucking love that for
35:35
Speaker 1: you love that for you and your finances and that's
35:37
Speaker 1: you know you're killing it but if I'm going to
35:40
Speaker 1: choose one thing it's location location location who am I
35:44
Speaker 1: living with what community am I around where can I
35:46
Speaker 1: walk my dog can I walk to the grocery shops
35:48
Speaker 1: can I walk to a cafe can I be close
35:51
Speaker 1: enough to my friends that it allows for casual and
35:54
Speaker 1: spontaneous catch-ups and if it's a tick tick tick tick
35:56
Speaker 1: tick for all those things then the first thing to
35:59
Speaker 1: go on that list is space If I have to
36:01
Speaker 1: get rid of a bit of space or if I
36:02
Speaker 1: can't have a house and it's an apartment, that's a
36:05
Speaker 1: no-brainer for me. If it means that I can have
36:07
Speaker 1: that proximity to community. So anyway, that is the episode
36:12
Speaker 1: of today. If you are thinking about moving, think long
36:16
Speaker 1: and hard about this. If you are living close to
36:18
Speaker 1: your friends and be like, but I really want that
36:19
Speaker 1: bigger place. Think twice about what that means about your isolation.
36:23
Speaker 1: Do you have to get into the car and drive
36:24
Speaker 1: 40 minutes every time you interact with them? What is
36:26
Speaker 1: it going to mean? Or are you moving to another
36:29
Speaker 1: place where you can interact with people as well? It
36:32
Speaker 1: is very important that unless you are someone that enjoys
36:35
Speaker 1: being a recluse, you have to consider these things, okay? Anyway,
36:39
Speaker 1: that is, again, for the third time, that is the
36:41
Speaker 1: end of the episode. Thank you so much for tuning in.
36:43
Speaker 1: Hope you enjoyed it. Hope it gave you some food
36:45
Speaker 1: for thought or hope it confirmed something that you already knew.
36:48
Speaker 1: And I will see you back here on Friday. As always, remember,
36:54
Speaker 1: be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain. Don't
36:56
Speaker 1: take shit from anyone and especially don't take shit from yourself. Danke.