Latest / Inspirations for Your Life / Your Anger Is EATING YOU ALIVE (S5) S38:E6 Thursday

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Your Anger Is EATING YOU ALIVE (S5) S38:E6 Thursday · Inspirations for Your Life

0:23
Well there, hello everyone and welcome to the
0:26
ever popular Inspirations for Your Life show.
0:28
It's great to be with you.
0:30
It is a Thursday today and it is
0:33
September 17, 2026.
0:36
If this is your very first time joining
0:38
me, well, I want to personally say thank
0:40
you.
0:41
And of course, you know, I want to
0:42
say the words welcome.
0:44
Yes, I want to say the words welcome
0:46
to you.
0:46
And on Sundays and on Thursdays, we do
0:51
something a little bit different to share the
0:54
love in the community.
0:56
And what are we doing right now?
0:58
Well, we're doing a shout out to a
0:59
local coffee shop.
1:01
And today's shout out is going to Jackie
1:08
Smalls in Wayne, New Jersey.
1:12
And so Jackie Smalls is a coffee shop.
1:16
They have different pastries and, you know, and
1:19
different things like that.
1:20
And they don't just have locations, by the
1:22
way, in Wayne.
1:24
They have locations around Newark, Elizabeth, Hoboken, Asbury
1:29
Park.
1:29
So they're around.
1:31
So they're a place for coffee lovers.
1:34
You know, you can do what you need
1:36
to do there.
1:37
They have some delicious pastries and stuff that
1:40
you probably want to check out from just
1:42
from the websites I'm seeing.
1:43
So we're reaching out to you guys tonight
1:45
because I want to invite you to go
1:47
to jsephacademy.com.
1:48
Check out what we're doing.
1:50
Click on the contact us button and let
1:52
us know you want to host us.
1:52
It's free.
1:53
We'll come and do a live show there.
1:55
And then after that, I'll do an author
1:57
talk, an author Q&A and author signing.
2:01
Have you been here?
2:02
Well, many times before, I want to say
2:04
thank you.
2:05
And of course, I want to say welcome.
2:06
But I also want to say those words,
2:07
welcome back, because you are very, very welcome
2:11
here.
2:12
All right, guys, let's get into this show,
2:15
right?
2:16
Welcome everyone to the ever-popular Inspiration to
2:18
Your Life show.
2:19
If you're thirsty, feel free to go grab
2:20
something, a snack, a beverage, it could be
2:23
water like the RO Lemon I have.
2:27
It could be a piece of fruit, whatever
2:30
you like.
2:31
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm John C.
2:33
Morley.
2:33
I am a serial entrepreneur.
2:35
I'm an engineer.
2:36
I'm a marketing specialist, video producer, podcast host,
2:38
coach, keynote speaker, passionate lifelong learner, a graduate
2:42
student at Moncler State University, and so grateful
2:45
now to be a published author.
2:47
Hey, friends, have you ever dealt with someone
2:50
who seems to know exactly what to say
2:52
to get under your skin?
2:54
Maybe it's one comment, maybe it's one accusation,
3:00
or even a certain tone of voice, right?
3:03
I think these are things that happen a
3:05
lot in people's lives, but I think the
3:07
biggest thing is I think a lot of
3:09
people, I think they don't realize how their
3:12
actions are affecting other people.
3:15
And I think that's something that a lot
3:16
of people, I don't want to say that
3:18
they want to ignore, but they're ignoring it
3:21
because they don't really know how to react,
3:24
what to do.
3:25
And hopefully tonight, I'll be able to share
3:28
some very interesting insights to get you to
3:31
change how you currently react, right?
3:36
I think that's really our name of the
3:40
game here, right?
3:41
That is the name of the game.
3:43
So again, we have a really great show
3:47
for you here, if you didn't know that.
3:49
And so the tone is important, and today
3:54
I want to hopefully change all that.
3:57
I think a lot of people say to
3:59
me, John, I can't control that, I can't
4:03
change that.
4:04
And you're not wrong, okay?
4:08
You're not wrong by saying that, but I
4:10
think sometimes people, well, they basically get stuck,
4:16
right?
4:16
And I say they get stuck because they're
4:20
in this world and they don't necessarily know
4:23
what to say, what to do, right?
4:26
But I want to tell you that you
4:28
can make a lot of change in your
4:30
life, okay?
4:32
A lot of change, not just a simple
4:34
change, I mean a lot of change.
4:37
So let's get into this really seriously, okay?
4:42
Listen to what emotions have to tell us,
4:44
which we're going to learn later in the
4:46
show.
4:46
So what I want to talk to you
4:49
about is anger.
4:51
Not the momentary anger, but the anger we
4:53
keep feeding long after the original moment has
4:56
passed.
4:57
Anger can alert us, protect us, and show
4:59
us where a boundary may have been crossed.
5:02
But when we continually give it attention, evidence,
5:04
and energy, it begins consuming the person carrying
5:08
it.
5:09
So let's get right into this.
5:10
Number one, anger grows when you continually feed
5:14
it.
5:15
Every replay, complaint, and imaginary argument can give
5:19
anger another meal.
5:22
What begins as a reasonable reaction can grow
5:25
because we keep returning to it.
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Notice whether you're processing what happened or repeatedly
5:33
feeding the same emotion.
5:36
That's the key, guys.
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Number two, stop collecting evidence.
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For why you should stay angry.
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When you're angry, it's easy to build a
5:45
case.
5:46
We remember every insult, mistake, and even disappointment,
5:51
okay?
5:52
We remember those things, guys.
5:55
They're not easy, but we remember them.
5:58
And this is key, all right?
6:01
We remember them and how it made us
6:05
feel.
6:05
Eventually, we're not looking for understanding anymore.
6:09
We're looking for reasons to remain exactly where
6:12
we are right now.
6:13
Number three, guys, your mind finds more of
6:16
whatever you keep searching for.
6:18
If you constantly search for disrespect, betrayal, or
6:21
reasons not to trust people, bingo, your mind
6:24
becomes very good at finding those things.
6:27
That doesn't mean recognizing that attention can amplify
6:32
the things you, let's say, don't want.
6:37
It can also amplify the things you do
6:38
want.
6:39
Number four, anger can become a habit.
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Yep.
6:42
We usually think of habits as actions, but
6:44
emotional patterns can become familiar too.
6:47
If anger becomes your automatic response to inconvenience,
6:50
disagreement, or disappointment, ask whether you're responding to
6:54
today or just repeating yesterday's agenda.
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Number five, notice when outrage becomes familiar.
7:03
I think that's when it becomes the most
7:06
dangerous, when it's on autopilot.
7:09
Sometimes being upset starts feeling normal.
7:13
You wake up looking for the next thing
7:15
that's wrong.
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Familiar doesn't mean healthy.
7:18
If outrage has become your default setting, recognizing
7:21
that pattern is the first step toward changing
7:24
it.
7:25
Number six, stop using anger as an emotional
7:29
fuel.
7:30
Anger can temporarily make you feel energized, yes,
7:34
and even determined, but it's expensive fuel.
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If you need to stay furious to keep
7:39
moving, eventually you're going to exhaust yourself and,
7:43
yep, burn out.
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Build motivation instead from purpose and from what
7:49
you actually want to create in your life,
7:51
being attentional.
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Number seven, it eventually burns the person carrying
7:57
it.
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You may believe your anger is directed at
7:59
somebody else, but you're the one experiencing it
8:02
in your body and mind.
8:04
See, whatever you put out comes back to
8:06
us in a boomerang.
8:07
If you put good out, good comes back.
8:09
You put bad out, bad comes back.
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They're not necessarily carrying what you're carrying.
8:15
Don't let somebody else's behavior become a fire
8:18
you maintain inside yourself.
8:20
Number eight, ask what is underneath the anger.
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Anger is often the emotion we notice first,
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but it may not be the deepest one.
8:30
Ask what sits underneath it.
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Were you hurt, embarrassed, ignored, betrayed, frightened, or
8:36
maybe even disappointed?
8:38
Finding the real emotion gives you something useful
8:42
to work with.
8:44
I think a lot of people, they operate
8:45
on this anger autopilot.
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That's no good.
8:50
It's unhealthy.
8:51
Number nine, guys, hurt often hides behind rage.
8:57
Sometimes rage feels safer than admitting something genuinely
9:01
hurt us.
9:02
Anger can feel powerful, while hurt feels vulnerable.
9:06
But acknowledging the hurt doesn't make you weak.
9:09
It can help you understand why the situation
9:11
affected you so deeply.
9:12
I want to share one with you.
9:14
So I made a friend with somebody online.
9:18
We became good friends.
9:20
And the person actually did some things that
9:24
were not great.
9:25
Did that make me think less of them?
9:27
No, but when they recently lost their job
9:31
and they reached out to me and said,
9:32
hey, John, what do I do?
9:34
Well, it's probably going to be okay.
9:35
The person posted something online, and that in
9:39
itself wasn't the problem.
9:40
He was getting blasted with all kinds of
9:42
comments about the meme, which you shouldn't have
9:44
done anyway.
9:44
But the thing was, they were able to
9:48
trace that back to his personal account.
9:52
Then you figure, why did it matter?
9:54
Well, here's what happened.
9:56
They traced it back to his personal account,
9:58
and they found out that he worked for
9:59
a certain company.
10:01
And guess what?
10:02
That personal company, I thought, might have been
10:05
a little easier.
10:06
But because of all the damage potential that
10:08
they were trying to put out, they fired
10:11
him.
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Now, when I chatted with him about it
10:15
and how this would be hard to get
10:16
another job, I said, you can do unemployment,
10:18
and you're entitled to do that.
10:20
He said they talked to one of his
10:23
family members, and that family member said that
10:26
they let him go because they eliminated the
10:29
position.
10:29
Now, that's not really what they did, but
10:32
they didn't want a legal case, okay?
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Because technically, this could have gotten messy in
10:38
court.
10:38
So they agreed that they would let him
10:42
go with the, let's say, statement that the
10:47
position was just terminated, so he could get
10:48
work somewhere else.
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But here's the funny part, guys.
10:51
It's a person had been messaging me back
10:53
and forth for advice, and I was really
10:54
telling him, I'm concerned about you.
10:56
I hope you're doing okay.
10:58
And you know what happened after knowing this
11:00
person for several years?
11:01
Somebody who called me a friend, someone who
11:04
called me somebody that they just enjoy hanging
11:07
with.
11:07
You know what they did today on Facebook?
11:10
They blocked me.
11:14
It felt weird, because here I am, we
11:19
were friends.
11:21
I visited their place, and we became good
11:26
friends.
11:28
And when I tried to show some care
11:30
when they were getting rageful, what did they
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do?
11:35
They blocked me.
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Now, is that a permanent block?
11:39
You know, I don't know.
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But part of me says, John, you probably
11:45
should block them back.
11:46
I'm probably not going to, but if I
11:48
hear a response, I may not respond to
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them.
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That's what rageful people do when they can't
11:55
handle the truth.
11:57
Number 10, fear can disguise itself as anger,
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guys.
12:00
Fear of losing control, being rejected, getting hurt
12:03
again, or facing uncertainty can come out of
12:05
a place or corner like anger.
12:08
Before reacting, ask whether fear is actually driving
12:11
your response or not.
12:13
Naming the real emotion changes how you handle
12:16
it, guys.
12:16
This is key.
12:18
Number 11, disappointment can become resentment.
12:23
When expectations are repeatedly unmet, disappointment can harden
12:28
into resentment.
12:29
Maybe someone didn't show up the way you
12:31
expected them to.
12:32
Acknowledge that disappointment before it becomes something you
12:36
carry into every future interaction.
12:39
Number 12, identify the emotion before trying to
12:43
control it.
12:44
You can't manage something effectively if you haven't
12:47
identified it.
12:48
Instead of simply saying you're angry, get specific.
12:53
Hurt, fear, frustration, embarrassment, disappointment may each require
12:58
a different response.
12:59
Don't lump them into one.
13:01
Number 13, stop being proud of how long
13:04
you can hold a grudge.
13:07
There's no ice cream sundae for you.
13:09
Holding a grudge for years isn't necessarily evidence
13:12
of strength.
13:13
Sometimes it means an old event still has
13:15
access to today's emotions.
13:17
You don't need to prove how seriously something
13:20
affected you by carrying it forever.
13:22
In fact, that might just prove how weak
13:24
you are and how much of an ego
13:27
you have.
13:28
Number 14, holding on isn't always strength.
13:32
There are times when persistence is powerful, but
13:35
there are also times when release requires more
13:38
strength.
13:39
Don't confuse refusing to let go with standing
13:44
up for yourself.
13:45
You can maintain a boundary without maintaining the
13:47
anger.
13:50
Number 15, release requires courage too, guys.
13:55
Yeah, I know it's not easy.
13:56
Letting go can feel risky because anger may
14:00
have become part of how you protect yourself.
14:02
When that person blocked me today, am I
14:04
angry?
14:05
I'm not angry.
14:06
I can let it go.
14:07
I was a little sad because we were
14:09
friends, but, you know, I look at it
14:13
this way.
14:14
If that person doesn't value me, no biggie.
14:20
Letting go can feel risky because anger may
14:23
have become part of how you protect yourself.
14:24
But releasing it doesn't mean becoming careless.
14:29
It means trusting yourself enough to keep the
14:32
lesson without needing the emotional armor.
14:36
Number 16, anger can alert you without leading
14:40
you.
14:41
Anger can be useful information.
14:44
It can tell you that a value was
14:46
violated or a boundary was crossed.
14:49
Listen to that signal, but don't automatically hand
14:52
it to the steering wheel.
14:54
Information should guide judgment, not replace it, guys.
14:58
Number 17, listen to the message, then choose
15:02
the response.
15:03
I said, listen, don't just respond.
15:06
Ask what your anger is trying to tell
15:08
you.
15:10
Maybe something needs to change.
15:12
Maybe a conversation or boundary is necessary that
15:15
wasn't there before.
15:16
Hear the message, then choose your response accordingly
15:19
to your values instead of the intensity of
15:22
the emotion that you have at the moment.
15:25
Number 18, stop building your identity around what
15:28
hurt you.
15:30
It's only going to hurt you more.
15:31
Something painful may be part of your story,
15:34
but it doesn't need to become your entire
15:36
identity.
15:37
Be careful about defining yourself emotionally through what
15:40
somebody did to you.
15:43
You're still becoming more than that experience, okay?
15:47
Number 19, you are larger than the thing
15:51
that made you angry.
15:56
You're larger than that.
15:58
You're better than that.
16:03
That's an important thing, guys.
16:05
No single person, betrayal, argument, rejection, disappointment deserves
16:15
to define the size of your life.
16:17
No one or nothing.
16:20
Your goals, your relationships, your abilities, your values,
16:23
and futures are larger than you can imagine.
16:27
Don't let one painful chapter become the entire
16:30
title of your life's book.
16:35
You can change your life anytime.
16:38
Just because you seem to have a sentence
16:41
right now, you can change that.
16:43
Maybe your life wasn't going the right way,
16:45
but you can change that.
16:51
I think that's important.
16:59
And hopefully that changes you.
17:01
Right?
17:06
That's important, guys.
17:13
I think a lot of people out there
17:16
think it's gonna be easy, but you know,
17:19
guys, it's not easy.
17:22
Number 20, give yourself permission to soften without
17:25
becoming vulnerable again.
17:27
You can become less angry without reopening that
17:30
door you intentionally meant to close.
17:33
Softening doesn't mean abandoning your boundaries.
17:36
Protection can come from judgment, awareness, and distance
17:40
instead of permanent emotional tension.
17:43
Number 21, peace doesn't mean pretending nothing happened.
17:47
You don't have to rewrite history to become
17:50
peaceful.
17:51
Something can have been wrong, unfair, or even
17:54
painful.
17:55
And you can still decide not to carry
17:58
the same emotional intensity forever.
18:02
Peace and honesty can exist together.
18:06
It's just a lot of people think it's
18:08
gonna happen so easily.
18:09
It doesn't.
18:11
Number 22, stop feeding emotional fires you want
18:14
extinguished.
18:15
If you genuinely want the anger to decrease,
18:18
notice what keeps reigniting it.
18:19
Replaying conversations, checking someone's social media, retelling the
18:24
story, or imagining revenge may keep adding fuel
18:28
to your fire secretly.
18:29
You can't extinguish a fire you're continually feeding,
18:32
even if you don't seem to directly feed
18:34
it.
18:34
Indirectly you may, and that may keep whatever's
18:38
hurting you.
18:40
Attached to you and hurting you more.
18:43
Number 23, change what you repeatedly think about.
18:47
You can't prevent every unwanted thought from appearing,
18:49
but you can influence what receives sustained attention.
18:53
When the same angry story returns, redirect yourself
18:57
towards something constructive instead of automatically following it
19:01
again.
19:01
That's not easy, guys, but you can do
19:03
it.
19:03
Number 24, reduce the necessary exposure to what
19:05
keeps triggering you.
19:06
Sometimes emotional control requires changing your environment.
19:10
You don't have to repeatedly expose yourself to
19:12
people, content, conversations, or situations that activate the
19:16
same anger when that exposure serves no useful
19:19
purpose for you.
19:21
Number 25, build routines that restore you.
19:27
Don't make your entire strategy about avoiding anger.
19:32
Build things that actively restore your energy.
19:35
Exercise, sleep, meaningful work, charity, hobbies, time outside,
19:41
and even good conversations can keep your mind
19:44
healthier in places you want to go.
19:48
Number 26, guys, choose people who don't constantly
19:51
activate your defense button.
19:55
Healthy relationships, guys, should require you to remain
19:58
emotionally armored all the time.
19:59
Pay attention to how people consistently affect you.
20:03
Choose relationships where respect, honesty, and communication allow
20:07
you to lower your defenses.
20:09
Number 27, your nervous system deserves a break.
20:13
Why not give it one?
20:14
Living in a constant conflict battle can make
20:17
everything feel like a threat in your life.
20:20
Give yourself periods where you aren't arguing, monitoring,
20:24
defending, or preparing for the next problem.
20:28
Rest isn't weakness.
20:29
Sometimes your entire system needs quiet.
20:34
Number 28, stop carrying battle mode everywhere.
20:39
The skills that protected you in one difficult
20:42
situation can become harmful when you bring them
20:45
into every new one.
20:46
Not everyone is your enemy.
20:49
Don't make new people fight battles they never
20:51
started or asked for.
20:53
Number 29, you don't have to stay angry
20:57
to stay protected, guys.
20:59
That's a misnomer.
21:00
This is a critical one.
21:01
Anger isn't your only defense.
21:04
You've got boundaries.
21:05
You've got awareness.
21:06
You've got distance.
21:07
You've got judgment.
21:08
And you've got experience.
21:10
And they all can protect you too.
21:12
And they won't raise your blood pressure.
21:15
You can lower the anger while keeping every
21:18
lesson you learned and earned from what happened
21:22
inside you and allow that to help you
21:25
make your new decisions.
21:27
Number 30, stop feeding the anger before the
21:30
anger starts feeding on you.
21:31
See, anger needs attention to remain powerful.
21:34
Stop giving an old wound a limited access
21:36
to today's energy.
21:38
Take the information, keep the boundary, learn the
21:41
lesson, and decide when the emotional cost has
21:44
become too high.
21:47
Anger isn't automatically bad.
21:49
Sometimes it tells us exactly what we need
21:52
to notice.
21:53
The danger begins when a temporary signal becomes
21:56
a permanent way of living.
21:58
Ask yourself what you're feeling.
22:01
And you're feeding.
22:03
Are you collecting responses and reasons to stay
22:06
angry?
22:08
We're playing the same conversations in your head.
22:11
Checking what somebody is doing.
22:13
Waiting for them to fail.
22:15
Carrying battle mode into relationships that had nothing
22:18
to do with the original hurt that you
22:21
started with.
22:22
You don't need to deny what happened.
22:25
You don't need to trust somebody again.
22:28
You don't need to remove a boundary that
22:30
protects you.
22:30
But you also don't need anger to prove
22:33
that the boundary matters.
22:37
I think when somebody has to get that
22:39
emphatic and show that they've got to defend
22:42
themselves with anger, that's not going anywhere.
22:46
What that is showing is that you are
22:48
laced with egos.
22:50
I don't think anybody really wants egos.
22:53
But they happen in our lives, right?
22:55
So you don't need to deny what happened.
22:57
So you don't need to trust somebody again.
22:59
You don't need to remove the boundary that
23:01
protects you.
23:02
But you also don't need anger to prove
23:05
that the boundary matters.
23:07
It matters.
23:08
And that's fine.
23:10
Perfectly fine.
23:12
Listen to what the emotion came to tell
23:16
you.
23:17
Identify the hurt, fear, disappointment, or violated boundary
23:23
underneath it.
23:24
Make the change that needs to be made.
23:27
Then decide whether continuing to feed the anger
23:30
is actually helping you.
23:33
So I think these are things that a
23:34
lot of people miss in life.
23:36
And then they wonder why they're not happy.
23:40
Because they're trying to prove why they're angry,
23:44
right?
23:45
I think that can be something that a
23:47
lot of people, for whatever reason, I think
23:49
they just don't understand.
23:50
And I say they don't understand it because
23:53
they get tied up with this option.
23:57
And it's a big problem, guys.
23:59
So I want to invite you to listen
24:01
to what the emotion came to tell you.
24:04
Identify the hurt, the fear, the disappointment, or
24:08
violated boundary underneath it.
24:11
Make the change that needs to be made.
24:14
Then decide whether continuing to feed the anger
24:16
is actually helping you or hurting you.
24:19
And I bet you it's probably hurting you,
24:22
right?
24:25
Are you collecting reasons to stay angry?
24:27
We're playing the same conversations again.
24:29
You don't need to deny what happened, okay?
24:32
You don't need to remove what you're feeling.
24:36
Listen to what the emotion came to tell
24:38
you.
24:39
You're larger than what hurt you.
24:41
Your future deserves more energy than your resentment.
24:44
Your nervousness is all you need to realize.
24:48
But learn the lesson.
24:51
Keep your discernment.
24:53
Keep the boundary when it's necessary.
24:54
But stop carrying the war scars and battles.
24:58
You don't need them.
24:59
Because you see, anger can begin as a
25:01
response to what somebody else did and eventually
25:03
become something you're, well, trying to hide from.
25:09
Stop feeding the anger before the anger starts
25:11
feeding on you.
25:15
I hope that matters to you.
25:16
And I hope that all of you listening
25:18
and watching will choose to apply this in
25:21
your life.
25:21
Because the world can be a better place
25:24
if we choose to not be angry.
25:30
I said choose.
25:31
That's a choice that we all have, right?
25:36
I think that's something that we need to
25:37
be thinking about.
25:40
Not something we can just say, hey, this
25:42
isn't working.
25:44
We have to experience why things are happening
25:46
and why they're not.
25:48
And if life isn't going the way we
25:49
want, we know what Einstein said, doing the
25:52
same thing over and over again, expect and
25:53
give results.
25:53
You know what that is?
25:54
That is insanity.
25:57
So why are we doing it, right?
26:00
Nobody is wanting to be insane, like, on
26:04
purpose, intentionally.
26:06
But there's something inside us that causes that
26:11
mode to just keep replaying.
26:15
Maybe it's a safety net.
26:17
Maybe it's the fact that we feel without
26:20
that, there's no way we can go on.
26:23
Maybe we feel we have to prove something
26:24
when we really don't.
26:26
Maybe we're doing it because whatever's going on
26:29
in our life seem to be disrupting the
26:32
joy and peace that we love so very
26:34
much.
26:37
Maybe we're doing it because we're trying to
26:39
get attention.
26:41
Maybe we're doing it, again, because we think
26:45
that if we hold that grudge long enough,
26:49
that we'll get the closure.
26:51
We won't.
26:53
We'll just get frustration.
26:54
We'll get people that just may not come
26:57
back.
26:57
And that's going to hurt you even harder.
27:00
So I want you to release whatever resentment,
27:03
whatever anger you have, and love the joy
27:08
that's in your life.
27:11
Love what you do.
27:14
Love what you do.
27:16
I think that's a very important thing.
27:20
But again, a lot of people out there
27:21
today just don't believe they have the power.
27:25
And you do have that power, ladies and
27:27
gentlemen.
27:28
You have it.
27:29
Don't let other people say to you, oh,
27:31
well, you know, you're better off to be
27:32
angry.
27:33
You got to protect yourself.
27:35
There's protecting yourself.
27:37
And then there's being a jerk.
27:41
And if you think that overreacting is protecting
27:45
yourself because you're not letting anybody near you,
27:48
then you're missing on the joys of life.
27:51
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am John C.
27:53
Morley, serial entrepreneur.
27:55
Be sure to check out BelieveMeAchieve.com for
27:57
more of my amazing, of course, inspiring creations.
28:00
I'll catch you real soon.
28:01
BelieveMeAchieve.com.
28:26
Bye.