Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #97 Covid19 – What Do We Tell Our Kids?

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#97 Covid19 – What Do We Tell Our Kids? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's The Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, the
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  Speaker 1: podcast for the time Poor Parent who just Wants Answers
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  Speaker 1: Now Where Luke and Susie our husband and wife radio
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  Speaker 1: team and the parents of three young boys. And today
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  Speaker 1: we are talking about COVID nineteen. How do we as
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  Speaker 1: parents navigate this? What do we communicate with our children?
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  Speaker 1: We're all healthy and you obviously are as well, so
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  Speaker 1: we can be in the same space.
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  Speaker 2: We should maintain appropriate distance. Isn't it strange when we
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  Speaker 2: see people we're not allowed to shake hands any It
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  Speaker 2: feels so disconnected.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, wow, impersonal.
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  Speaker 3: That's where my idea of actually greeting each other with
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  Speaker 3: a famous dance move might really come into like it,
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  Speaker 3: and so the macarena and the Chicken dance and the
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  Speaker 3: nutbullsh I think it's going to take off. It's probably not.
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  Speaker 1: Probably not, But this is an interesting time. And the
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  Speaker 1: question I've heard going around a lot is how much
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  Speaker 1: do we tell our children?
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  Speaker 3: Now?
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  Speaker 1: Obviously, there comes a maturity state with children where above
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  Speaker 1: which they can hear anything and they'll be able to
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  Speaker 1: process it and understand it in a good and healthy way.
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  Speaker 1: But for those with younger children, well.
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  Speaker 3: We're overwhelmed as adults in the midst of this, really.
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  Speaker 1: Demonstrating that we're not quite sure how to handle it ourselves.
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  Speaker 3: Kids are looking at us going, what are you buying
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  Speaker 3: that much? Toilets play before? So? How do we navigate?
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  Speaker 3: What are the things we need to consider in this justin.
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  Speaker 2: There's a couple of different questions that you've asked. Luke,
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  Speaker 2: you're asking how do you navigate it? And Susie you're
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  Speaker 2: asking how much do we tell our children? So let's
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  Speaker 2: talk about how much we tell our children first and
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  Speaker 2: how to have the conversation, and then we can step
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  Speaker 2: into the navigation concepts as well. So we have this
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  Speaker 2: pandemic sweeping the globe, and our children are seeing our
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  Speaker 2: anxiety and they're feeling anxious. So the first thing that
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  Speaker 2: I would say is, please, you don't need to rush
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  Speaker 2: out and buy three months worth of groceries. We have.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, everybody's telling us we've got enough, will be okay.
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  Speaker 2: We just need to take a big, deep breath, maybe
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  Speaker 2: remembered that we live in an incredible country and we
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  Speaker 2: do have enough. Just that one thing step away from
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  Speaker 2: the whole panic buying, and that's going to change things.
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  Speaker 2: The second thing I would say is to turn the news off. Really,
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  Speaker 2: you don't. You're not going to be any better off
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  Speaker 2: knowing or not knowing now that we know, and anything
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  Speaker 2: that's important that you have to know, you will find out.
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  Speaker 2: We don't need to be monitoring the news constantly. It's
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  Speaker 2: doing our anxiety no good. As our anxiety increases, our
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  Speaker 2: children see as being anxious. Therefore they think that they're
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  Speaker 2: supposed to be anxious because we're anxious. We see them
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  Speaker 2: being anxious, we think, oh, no, there's something the matter
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  Speaker 2: about our child, and we become anxious about their anxiety,
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  Speaker 2: and up it goes. Yeah, we've got to slow down.
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  Speaker 2: I can't emphasize that enough. We've just got to take
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  Speaker 2: a breath and remember what it is to be human
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  Speaker 2: and to connect. The conversation, though regardless of the topic,
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  Speaker 2: is essentially well, what have you heard? What are you
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  Speaker 2: a little bit nervous about? What's somebody in the school
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  Speaker 2: yard told you, or what's that person on social media
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  Speaker 2: told you? Or what did you hear on the radio
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  Speaker 2: or on the internet or on the TV that's got
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  Speaker 2: you worried? And then we answer their questions to the
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  Speaker 2: extent that they're curious. Okay, so a lot of parents.
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  Speaker 2: I use this analogy all the time. Our child. When
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  Speaker 2: our child comes to us in the kitchen and says,
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  Speaker 2: do you mind if I have a glass of water please,
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  Speaker 2: we don't turn on the fire hose and say open
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  Speaker 2: up kids.
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  Speaker 3: Oh, oh, okay, that's not what I'm saying.
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  Speaker 2: No, we wander across and we turn on the tap
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  Speaker 2: and we give them what they need, and if they say,
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  Speaker 2: can I have some more please, we give them a
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  Speaker 2: little more and that's it. We don't need to keep
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  Speaker 2: going now. Now, this is a really important thing to
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  Speaker 2: point out as well. If you don't know the answer,
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  Speaker 2: don't make it up.
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  Speaker 3: Ah.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, And when it comes to COVID nineteen, we don't
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  Speaker 2: know the answers, so just tell them what you do know.
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  Speaker 2: What we know is that there's a disease that's going
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  Speaker 2: around the world, and we're concerned that it could really
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  Speaker 2: have a big impact on the health of people, and
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  Speaker 2: so everyone's trying to isolate and stay away from people
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  Speaker 2: and close things down so that too many people don't
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  Speaker 2: get sick. I've talked to my kids about how you know,
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  Speaker 2: the survival of the fittest is the way. A lot
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  Speaker 2: of people might look at something like this, and I'm
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  Speaker 2: suggesting to them this should not be about survival of
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  Speaker 2: the fittest. This should be about protection of the weakest.
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  Speaker 2: This is an opportunity for us to make sure that
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  Speaker 2: we're doing the right thing so that people who are
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  Speaker 2: not healthy and strong like we are are not going
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  Speaker 2: to get sick because fingers crossed, we're probably if we're
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  Speaker 2: in good nick, we're probably going to be okay. But
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  Speaker 2: I've got a friend who's got a son who's got
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  Speaker 2: cystic fibrosis, and talking to the kids about that, they go, oh,
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  Speaker 2: that could be deadly. Yeah, And they're good people, and
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  Speaker 2: we don't want them to suffer. So we need to
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  Speaker 2: do the right thing. We need to wash our hands well,
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  Speaker 2: we need to do the Dracula cough, lift up the elbow,
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  Speaker 2: cough into the elbow like Dracula hiding his face. Just
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  Speaker 2: these practical little things. So that's how I would do it.
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  Speaker 2: I only answer questions to the extent that they're curious.
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  Speaker 2: Always tell the truth. And if you don't know, the
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  Speaker 2: answers say, I don't know, just focus on those.
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  Speaker 3: Things with that. Is it detrimental to try and be
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  Speaker 3: over dismissive and encouraging, will be fine, will be okay
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  Speaker 3: in a sense where if everything else is panicking and
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  Speaker 3: you're trying to say it's no big deal, and half
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  Speaker 3: the time, even if you don't believe it, will say
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  Speaker 3: that to our children to try and stop them from worrying.
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  Speaker 3: Do we actually if we're lacking authenticity and actual genuine
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  Speaker 3: honesty compared to how we feel, are we doing our
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  Speaker 3: damage to our relationship with our children because they go,
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  Speaker 3: I can't believe you.
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  Speaker 2: Nobody wants to be dismissed. Everyone wants to be understood.
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  Speaker 2: So if we transition from what you said, Susie, you know,
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  Speaker 2: how do we talk to them? Well, we just had
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  Speaker 2: the conversation to what do they need and how do
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  Speaker 2: we manage this? I love my three ease of effective discipline,
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  Speaker 2: and I love my three l's of what makes families happy, love, limits,
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  Speaker 2: and laughter. I've come up with four hs. Oh yes,
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  Speaker 2: the four ages are going to help us to navigate
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  Speaker 2: this in terms of what do we do now with
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  Speaker 2: our children. The first age is our children need to
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  Speaker 2: feel heard, which means that we're not going to dismiss
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  Speaker 2: them when they come to us and they're scared, or
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  Speaker 2: they're anxious, or they're concerned. What we're going to do
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  Speaker 2: is to them, Wow, this whole coronavirus things really got
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  Speaker 2: you worried, hasn't it. Now that's not dismissive. We don't
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  Speaker 2: have answers. We're not going to fix everything, but we're
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  Speaker 2: actually I always say this, if you can name it,
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  Speaker 2: you can tame it. If it's mentionable, it's manageable. Our
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  Speaker 2: idea here is we lean into their feelings. We don't
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  Speaker 2: tell them they're wrong for feeling what they're feeling. We say, wow,
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  Speaker 2: with everyone pulling out of school, or with all the
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  Speaker 2: talk that we can't go and do the normal activities
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  Speaker 2: that would do. The school formals are being canceled, the
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  Speaker 2: fates are being canceled in New South Wales, the Royal
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  Speaker 2: Easter Show has been canceled. All this sort of stuff
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  Speaker 2: makes you feel really nervous and worried, doesn't it. And
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  Speaker 2: so we're hearing them, not just intellectually and through our ears,
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  Speaker 2: we're hearing them in our heart. They need to feel heard.
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  Speaker 2: The next thing that I think that they need is
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  Speaker 2: they need humor. Like this is I can't believe how brilliant.
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  Speaker 2: The creativity of people is when you look at the
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  Speaker 2: just sensational memes that are out there about what Australia
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  Speaker 2: is doing with their toilet paper, and how toilet paper
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  Speaker 2: is going to correct us from the aunt A virus,
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  Speaker 2: or what it means to be in isolation and can
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  Speaker 2: you really expel your children from homeschool.
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  Speaker 3: There's so much.
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  Speaker 2: Fun creativity there. In fact, I asked my Facebook followers
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  Speaker 2: to share their favorite memes that have come up as
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  Speaker 2: a result of the coronavirus and the thread is hundreds
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  Speaker 2: of comments long, and it's just so funny. Our children
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  Speaker 2: need to recognize that we can be in the middle
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  Speaker 2: of a global pandemic and still laugh and enjoy life,
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  Speaker 2: because that's how you survive, right. Humor is how we
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  Speaker 2: get through this stuff.
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  Speaker 3: My favorite is the whole thing to if you're working
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  Speaker 3: from home, then say something that your children have done today,
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  Speaker 3: but refer to them as your coworkers and just the
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  Speaker 3: therapy that comes from.
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  Speaker 1: Oh, I had to write one that said, my coworker
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  Speaker 1: led me to the toilet to show me what he'd done.
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  Speaker 3: It just makes you feel a little bit lighter about
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  Speaker 3: attend situation. I love it.
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  Speaker 2: Me too. So we've got we've got to hear them,
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  Speaker 2: we've got to find an opportunity for human with them.
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  Speaker 2: The next one that I think they really need so
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  Speaker 2: that we can help them to navigate it and so
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  Speaker 2: that we can navigate it as well, is find opportunities
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  Speaker 2: to help. We are living in a community that might
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  Speaker 2: have just gone a little bit bond because over the
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  Speaker 2: last little while, I mean, if we could press reset
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  Speaker 2: on twenty twenty, we probably all would push that button
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  Speaker 2: and say, let's just hold it in for ten seconds,
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  Speaker 2: reboot the whole thing and start twenty twenty again. Obviously
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  Speaker 2: we can't do that, but there are people who are
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  Speaker 2: around us who really need help. There are people who
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  Speaker 2: are very afraid. Some of them might be elderly. Perhaps
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  Speaker 2: you've got somebody in your church community who doesn't have
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  Speaker 2: any nearby support. Maybe you've got somebody from your school
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  Speaker 2: community or your neighborhood who just need some help. There
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  Speaker 2: are people who are dropping little notes in people's letterboxes
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  Speaker 2: and saying, hey, we live at number twelve. If you've
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  Speaker 2: got anything that you need, because we understand that your
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  Speaker 2: circumstances might prohibit you from going out, let us know
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  Speaker 2: we're here to help, maybe take them a meal. I
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  Speaker 2: know that there's issues with that at the moment, but
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  Speaker 2: there's all sorts of different ways that we can help.
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  Speaker 2: And what that does for our children is it helps
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  Speaker 2: them to feel empowered when they know that they're not
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  Speaker 2: a victim and they're not stuck, but they can actually
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  Speaker 2: go out and make change for somebody else. They can
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  Speaker 2: help somebody else in their lives. It gives our children
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  Speaker 2: a sense that we can get through this. I think
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  Speaker 2: that's profoundly important. And what it also leads to is
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  Speaker 2: the fourth age, which is hope. The conversation that I'm
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  Speaker 2: encouraging people to have right now is a hopeful conversation. Now,
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  Speaker 2: I recognize that what I'm saying is very sensitive for
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  Speaker 2: some people who might be about to lose a job
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  Speaker 2: or might have already been laid off. The economy is
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  Speaker 2: in a really scary place, and there's a lot of
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  Speaker 2: fear around health and hospitals, and there's a lot of
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  Speaker 2: reasons to be scared, let's be honest about that. But
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  Speaker 2: there's also a lot of reasons to be hopeful. And
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  Speaker 2: even if you do lose your job, well, that's not
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  Speaker 2: the end, because right now the supermarket is looking for
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  Speaker 2: five thousand people, please, so that we can feel It's
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  Speaker 2: not perhaps what some people are dreaming of doing if
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  Speaker 2: they were working in something else. But there's always hope.
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  Speaker 2: Right now, there are people around the world who are
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  Speaker 2: coming together to develop ideas and technologies and strategies to
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  Speaker 2: literally change the way we will live into the future
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  Speaker 2: as a result of this. The technology around schooling, the
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  Speaker 2: technology around delivery of services. That the technology that's going
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  Speaker 2: to be developed to make life better as a result
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  Speaker 2: of coronavirus, I think is going to be extraordinary, and
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  Speaker 2: humanity will be better in spite of the difficulties and
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  Speaker 2: in some cases tragedies and devastation that this will cause.
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  Speaker 2: Humanity as a whole will be better because of it.
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  Speaker 2: If we can help our children to recognize the growth
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  Speaker 2: that will come as a result of a terribly trying time,
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  Speaker 2: what a powerful message of resilience we give to them.
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  Speaker 2: So they're my big four, beautiful heard.
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  Speaker 1: Make sure our children are feeling heard. Find humor. That's
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  Speaker 1: our strength.
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  Speaker 3: We've got one out of four a bad.
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  Speaker 1: Helping people and hope in the midst of it.
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  Speaker 3: I love it.
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  Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Justin Coulson We're going to get
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  Speaker 1: you back to talk more about this in the coming
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  Speaker 1: days and weeks.
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  Speaker 2: I think let's do it. I hope that helps.
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  Speaker 1: If you've enjoyed the podcast, we'd love for you to
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  Speaker 1: leave a review, like Ronnie who said great resource for parents.
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  Speaker 1: I wish I had access to such great advice when
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  Speaker 1: my kids were small, but never too late to learn
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  Speaker 1: for grandkids. Love the podcast. If you want to find
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: out more about Happy Families, jump online to happy Families
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  Speaker 1: dot com dot au.