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How to Be Your Authentic Self Without Feeling Selfish · The Inspired Speaker Network

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Welcome to Evolving with Elle, where a capable
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woman recognizes what she's managing, understands the responsibilities
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that she's carrying, and chooses self-honoring over
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self-abandonment, and decides to continue, change, or
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release.
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I am Elle.
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I bring the mirror, the map, and the
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method.
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You choose how you show up in a
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way that honors your capacity.
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So let's lean in, learn, and evolve together.
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My vision for our world is one where
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we are human beings that understand each other's
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humanity.
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We are not asking each other to live
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based on how we expect other people to
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live, because Oscar Wilde, I love his definition
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of what it means to be selfish.
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And it blew my mind when I found
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it.
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So in a nutshell, what Oscar Wilde was
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saying is that if I, Elle, tell you
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how to live, that is what is selfish.
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But if I live the way I choose
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to live, that's not selfish.
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And that is what I want in this
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world for us to really understand what selfishness
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is, for us to live based on how
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we want to live in relationship to ourselves
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and to others.
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Because as I've shared with you, I value
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connection, compassion, and love, and love being treating
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people the way we wanna be treated.
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And I have a very strong hunch that
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we don't want to be defined by the
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roles that we carry, whether it is a
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gendered role or being a parent, a spouse,
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an employee, a business owner, we are more
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than just those roles.
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But we get to bring our unique, genuine
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selves into those roles.
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And that is my dream for this world,
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my vision.
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And a major part of that is that
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as the adults, once we get clear on
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being able to bring our full selves into
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every aspect of our lives, we also get
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to create a structure and safety for our
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children to do the same, to honor who
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they are, that spark that they were born
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with, instead of burdening them with, hey, I'm
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protecting you from my pain.
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Really?
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So let's not do that.
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So that is my vision for this world,
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is for us to live from a place
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of our unique, genuine selves.
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What I call our core essence, and core
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being C-O-R, which is in Latin,
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heart.
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So live from the heart of who we
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are.
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So I shared with you my vision.
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The question is how?
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What is getting in the way of that?
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I'll go with what's getting in the way.
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What gets in the way of us leaving
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from the heart of who we are is
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the fact that we're very judgmental.
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We're very legalistic.
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We're very rigid.
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You know, I talk to you guys about
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those rigid rules that I call expectations.
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The expectations that we did not choose consciously.
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They've just been heaped upon us by society,
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culture, what we inherited, what's innately in us.
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Sometimes we expect so much of ourselves because
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we're comparing and competing with other people.
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That gets in the way of living from
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our heart, from living from a place of
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uniqueness.
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I'm guilty of wanting to manage my reputation,
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but I don't have control over what somebody
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thinks about me.
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I'm guilty of trying to people please.
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Like, I want to give my children a
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better life than what I had.
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I don't want my children to be in
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any kind of pain, but I'm robbing them
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by doing that.
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That gets in the way of someone being
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connected to themselves.
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If someone prevents them from learning and connecting
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with themselves, I had to learn that.
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And the last thing I want to say,
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it's tied to that selfishness thing.
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It's where we project, we take our experiences
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and put them on top of everyone else
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to say, hey, why don't you know what
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I know?
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Well, because you've had a different life than
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I've had.
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So that's why I don't know what you
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know.
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And we've had different parents, different experiences.
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And that is not something to bring blame,
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shame or guilt upon anyone, but instead to
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really and truly give that compassion and grace,
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because if there's something that you don't know,
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but I know, how would you feel if
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I came to you and said, how dare
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you not know that you're supposed to fill
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in whatever blank, you know?
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And that's the thing, let's stop doing that.
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Let's, because that so gets in the way
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of people living authentically from their heart, because
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no one wants to be seen.
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No one wants to be seen as an
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outsider in this humanity where we all have
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a need, a need to belong.
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Since we all have a need to belong,
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and we all are uniquely, genuinely authentic individuals
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who get to live from our core essence,
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what can we do to allow each other
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the space to be fully human?
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Well, if someone makes a mistake, makes a
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choice that probably is not ideal, but they're
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making the choice from what they know, how
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about we share with them what we learned
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or what we see that they could have
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learned?
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And then as the receiver of that information,
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we have a choice.
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Is that something that you want to listen
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to or not or save for another day?
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Because in belonging, everyone has a need to
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be seen, heard and understood.
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Because to be vilified, blamed, shamed, ostracized, that
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does not lead to people living connected, aligned
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from their heart.
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Another thing that we can do is we
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get to look at ourselves in the mirror.
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You know, the Michael Jackson song, the man
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in the mirror, or dare I say the
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person in the mirror, right?
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Look at the person in the mirror.
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And as you look at yourself in the
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mirror, you get to examine how you are,
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how you got to where you are.
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Again, not from a place of shame, guilt,
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or blaming parents or the man or politics
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or whatever.
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No, no, no.
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It's like, hey, what do I have control
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over?
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What do you as the person in the
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mirror have control over?
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What are some things that were taught to
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you that what's the good and what could
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be left to the side?
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And you, again, you're choosing.
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And as you're making these choices, you join
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in with safe, trusted individuals within a community
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or one-on-one where you can have
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someone read your label and say, hey, this
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is how I see you show up.
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And you'll be like, hey, Janet, that's, you're
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saying that about me?
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Yes, I am saying that about you, Janet.
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That is how I see you.
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And watch Janet's confidence go up because she
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may not have been saying that to herself.
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But as we read each other's labels, let's
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do so with compassion and grace because we
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also get to tell each other hard things,
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to hold each other accountable.
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It's not all about the nice stuff.
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And accountability is a thing.
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I have been, I've been held accountable and
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it felt absolutely atrocious.
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I'm smiling now because I recognize the gift
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that it was to be held accountable.
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In the moment, I wanted to separate from
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that person and say, you are my enemy
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for telling me something like this.
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And they were not.
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They just saw like, hey, I've seen you
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behave in this manner but today I'm not
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seeing it, you know?
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And that allowed me to connect back with
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myself and say, hey, what am I doing?
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And that's beautiful.
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Does it feel good all the time?
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No, but if someone cares about you enough
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to tell you both the things that make
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you feel good and those that probably don't
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in the moment but you get to evaluate
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it for yourself, those are beautiful things.
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It's costing you, costing those that you are
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in relationship with and costing this world for
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us to live disconnected from who we are
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at our core.
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We are robbing each other of choice, robbing
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each other of the possibilities of making decisions
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that could teach us all the more and
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move us even further, farther down the road
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because getting out of the familiar, leave the
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familiar, we think the familiar is safe.
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I thought that for so long.
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It's not as safe as what we think
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it is.
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So as you're looking at yourself in the
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mirror, you get to ask yourself, how do
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I wanna be treated?
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Have you ever asked yourself that?
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It's like, go figure.
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And it's okay because again, that is not
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selfish that you checking in with you.
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And part of that check-in is like,
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hey, do I like giving all of my
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time to my job, to my children, to
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my spouse and nothing to myself?
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Is it okay for me to actually put
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in some boundaries for myself?
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And I learned from my mother that it
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is.
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At the time when I was a child,
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I didn't understand what she was doing when
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she would go into her room, close the
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door and say, don't bother me.
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And we learned as children when that bedroom
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door is closed, don't bother her.
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And what was she doing?
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My mother was sitting in the bathtub to
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actually take a bath.
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She was giving herself a pedicure.
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There was times she was exercising, just pushups,
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sit-ups.
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She was having spiritual time where she would
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read her Bible and have a conversation with
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God.
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She was taking care of aspects of herself
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that her spouse couldn't do, that her children
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couldn't do, only she could do.
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And by watching her do that, I now
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know that it's okay to tell my children,
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I'll be with you in a minute and
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create those boundaries, create that time for myself.
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So I invite you as you look in
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the mirror to evaluate, hey, what are some
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boundaries that can be tightened up in your
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family where you can give yourself the necessary
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time you need to love on yourself?
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Because again, it's necessary, it's needed, right along
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with belonging.
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Because let's imagine if everyone loved on themselves
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and treated themselves the way they wanna treat
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others, wow, what?
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Okay, like hear me out here.
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So as a parent, what would you give
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your child now that you have poured into
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yourself and refreshed and loved on you, what
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are you now able to give your child?
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You're actually able to give them the time
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that they need and that they want, that
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they've probably been, knock, ma, pa, dad, mommy,
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you know, they've been at that door, but
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you've like, hey, no, I'll be out, give
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me 15 minutes.
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It doesn't need, you don't need a long
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time, just 15 minutes.
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What would you give them?
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What would they observe and bring with them
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down the road?
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Like what my mother gave to me that
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I saw her do, now I know, oh,
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it's okay for me to do because they
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pick up more of what they see you
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do than what they hear you say, okay?
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And I know you know that, and I'm
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not trying to talk down to you with
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that, okay?
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It's my parent coming out right there.
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So let us really and truly love each
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other that way and treat people the way
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we wanna be treated because that opens the
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door for everyone else.
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And when you open that door, you have
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other options available to you, like going to
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a mental health professional without needing to, okay?
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Go ahead and do that, that's a good
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thing.
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Go to a life coach, a business coach,
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a dating coach, a coach who helps you
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get in a line with yourself, that would
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be me.
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So go ahead and join one of my
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programs.
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I invite you to stay connected with me
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as you navigate how to align with the
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core of who you are and bring that
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into every role that you have.
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Because let's think about it, every role that
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you have, that you carry is actually a
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relationship because you're not in that role by
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yourself just for yourself as a parent.
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Who's on the other side of that?
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Your child.
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As an employee, who's on the other side
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of that?
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Your boss and your coworkers.
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As a business owner, who's on the other
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side of that?
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Your employees and your clients.
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And when you are in relationship with yourself,
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who's on the side of that?
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You are, okay?
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So all of these things get to be
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harmonized and you are the conductor of your
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life.
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I want you to join me on this
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vision of all of us living from our
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core essence, the heart of who we are
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uniquely and genuinely.
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And I cannot wait to have other people
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join me, read my label, I read your
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label, and we're all having fun, holding each
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other accountable.
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It may hurt a little bit, but hey,
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we're stronger afterwards.
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We're better afterwards.
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And we create a path for the next
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generation to step into at a higher level.
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And just as my mother told me, I
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wanted you to be better than me.
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That's what she told me.
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So I'm gonna say that to you.
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I want you and your children to be
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better than me.
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Let's do that together.