Latest / Martin Animations / When was the last time you saw your mom smile

Transcript

When was the last time you saw your mom smile · Martin Animations

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: When was the last time you saw your mom smile?
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Mom woke me up at six in the morning on
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Saturday saying we needed to start baking early because Lily's
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: birthday party was that afternoon and we wanted everything to
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: be perfect. She seemed happier than she'd been in weeks,
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: humming while she tied her apron and pulled out all
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: the mixing bowls from the cabinet. I was nine years
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: old and Lily was turning five and mom kept saying
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: this would be the best birthday my little sister ever had,
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: one she'd remember forever. We mixed the batter together and
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: mom let me lick the wooden spoon something she usually
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: never allowed because she was strict about germs and raw eggs.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: But that morning she didn't care, she just laughed when
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: I got chocolate on my nose and wiped it off
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: with her thumb. We decorated the cake with pink frosting
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: because pink was Lily's favorite color, and I helped spell out,
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: happy birthday Lily, with rainbow sprinkles, while mom took pictures
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: on her phone. She kept saying how proud she was
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: of me for being such a good big brother and
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: how Lily was so lucky to have me. Then she
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: told me to go write a special card for Lily
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: while the cake cooled, something about how much I loved
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: being her big brother and and all the things we'd
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: do together as she got older. I sat at the
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: kitchen table with colored pencils and spent almost an hour
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: writing three pages about how I'd teach her to ride
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: a bike and play soccer, and how I'd always protect
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: her from bullies at school. When I showed Mom the card,
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: she read every word carefully and then started crying, but
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: she was smiling at the same time, so I thought
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: they were happy tears. She hugged me so tight I
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: could barely breathe and kissed the top of my head
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: about five times, which was unusual because Mom wasn't typically
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: that affectionate.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: Dad was always the hugger in our family.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Then Mom looked at her watch and said she needed
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: to run to the store real quick to get birthday
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: candles and party hats because she'd forgotten to buy them yesterday.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: She asked me to watch Lily, who was still sleeping
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: upstairs in her room, and made me promise not to
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: let her come downstairs until Mom got back because she
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: wanted Lily to see the decorated living room all at
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: once as a surprise. I promised I would, and Mom
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: kissed my forehead one more time, holding my face in
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: both her hands and staring at me with this intense
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: look I didn't understand. You're such a good big brother, Caleb,
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: she whispered. Take care of your sister, okay? No matter
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: what happens, you take care of Lily. I thought it
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: was a weird thing to say since she was just
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: going to the store, but I nodded and she grabbed
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: her purse and car keys. I heard the garage door
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: open and her car start up, and then she was gone.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: That was around 9 in the morning. By 10.30, I
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: started getting a little worried because the store was only
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: 15 minutes away and she should have been back by now.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: Lily woke up around 11 and came downstairs asking where
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: mom was and when her party was starting. I told
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: her mom went to get supplies and would be back soon,
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: trying to sound confident, even though I was starting to
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: feel anxious in a way I couldn't explain. We sat
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: at the kitchen table with the birthday cake between us.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: Both of us dressed in the nice clothes mom had
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: laid out for us the night before. Lily kept asking
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: if she could have a piece of cake, and I
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: kept saying we had to wait for mom and the candles.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: By noon, I called dad at his office downtown because
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: I didn't know what else to do, and I was
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: really scared now that something had happened to mom. Dad
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: answered on the second ring, and I could hear papers
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: shuffling in the background and other people talking.
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: Hey buddy, What's up? Is everything okay?
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: His voice sounded normal and relaxed, like it was just
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: a regular Saturday, and he had no idea anything was wrong.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: I told him mom had left three hours ago to
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: get birthday supplies and hadn't come back yet, and I
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: didn't know what to do because Lily was asking for
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: her and I was supposed to be watching her but
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: I was worried. There was a long silence on the
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: other end of the phone, so long that I thought
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: the call had dropped. But then dad's voice came back
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: and it sounded completely different, tight and strained like he
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: was having trouble breathing.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: Stay right there with Lily. Don't go anywhere.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: I'm coming home right now. He hung up before I
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: could ask any questions. Dad got home twenty minutes later,
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: which meant he must have driven way faster than he
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: should have because his office was normally thirty minutes away.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: He came through the front door looking pale and scared
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: in a way I'd never seen before. His tie loosened,
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: and his shirt wrinkled like he'd been pulling at it.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: He saw me and Lily sitting at the kitchen table
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: with the birthday cake, and stopped in the doorway, just
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: staring at us with this expression that made my stomach hurt.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: Where's mom?
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: Lily asked him, swinging her legs under the chair. When
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: is my party starting? Caleb made me a really long
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: card and I want to read it but he said
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: I have to wait. Dad didn't answer her. He just
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: walked past us toward the stairs and I heard him
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: running up to the second floor. I heard doors opening
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: and closing, drawers being pulled out, and then this sound
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: that I'd never heard my father make before. Something between
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: a gasp and a sob. He came back downstairs a
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: few minutes later and his eyes were red. Did you
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: check the garage? I asked, suddenly thinking maybe mom had
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: come home and I just hadn't heard her because Lily
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: had been talking so much. Dad shook his head and
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: went through the kitchen to the door that led to
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: the garage. and I heard him open it, and then
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: heard him say a word he never usually said in
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: front of us. He came back and looked at me
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: and Lily, and I could tell he was trying to
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: figure out what to say.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: Is mom okay?
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: I asked, my voice coming out smaller than I wanted.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: Did something happen to her? Dad sat down in the
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: empty chair at the table, the one where mom usually sat,
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: and he put his head in his hands for a minute.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: Then he lifted his head and tried to smile, but
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: it didn't reach his eyes at all. Your mom had
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: to go away for a while, he said carefully, like
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: he was choosing each word with extreme caution. She left
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: a note for me, and she wanted me to tell
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: you both that she loves you very much. Lily's face
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: scrunched up in confusion. But it's my birthday. She can't
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: go away on my birthday. She promised we'd have a party.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: Dad's fake smile disappeared, and he looked at the birthday
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: cake sitting between us with its pink frosting and rainbow sprinkles.
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: I know, sweetheart. I know she promised.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: But sometimes grown-ups have problems that kids don't understand, and
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: your mom needed to leave for a little while to
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: work on those problems. I felt something cold spreading through
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: my chest, because I was old enough to understand that
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: Dad wasn't telling us the complete truth, that there was
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: something bigger and worse happening that he was trying to
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: hide from us.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: Where did she go? I demanded. When is she coming back?
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: Dad looked at me, and I saw something in his
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: face that terrified me more than anything else that day.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: It was the look of someone who genuinely didn't know
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: the answer to a question.
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: I don't know, Caleb.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: The note didn't say. She just said she couldn't do
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: this anymore and that she was sorry. Lily started crying then,
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: not understanding what was happening but sensing from our faces
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: that something was very wrong. I want mommy, she kept
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: saying over and over. It's my birthday, and I want mommy.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: Dad picked her up and held her while she cried
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: into his shoulder, and I just sat there staring at
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: the cake that mom and I had made together just
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: a few hours ago when everything had still been normal.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: That's when I noticed the corner of a piece of
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: paper sticking out from under the cake stand. I pulled
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: it out carefully and saw it was a note in
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: mom's handwriting, folded in half. My hands were shaking as
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: I unfolded it and read the words she'd written.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: I can't be their mother anymore. I've tried so hard
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: but I'm failing them every day, and they deserve better
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: than what I've become. Tell them I love them. Tell
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: them this isn't their fault. The cake was the last
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: good thing I could give them. I showed the note
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: to Dad and watched his face crumple as he read it.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: He set Lily down gently and went to the kitchen
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: counter where Mom kept her laptop, opening it and typing
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: in her password. I saw him checking her email and
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: her bank account, his face getting more and more tense
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: with each click. She withdrew all the money from our
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: joint savings account yesterday, he said quietly, more to himself
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: than to us.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: She's been planning this.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: He called Mom's cell phone and we all heard it
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: ringing from somewhere upstairs. He went up and came back
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: down holding her phone, which she'd left on her nightstand
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: deliberately so he couldn't track her or call her. He
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: tried calling her parents, my grandparents, but they said they
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: hadn't heard from her and didn't know where she'd gone.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: He called her sister Aunt Melissa, who lived two states away,
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: and I heard him explaining the situation in a low,
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: urgent voice while pacing around the living room. When he
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: hung up, his face told me that Aunt Melissa didn't
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: know anything either. I need to call the police, Dad said,
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: pulling out his own phone. But then he stopped and
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: looked at me and Lily. and I could see him
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: trying to decide what to do. If he called the police,
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: he'd have to explain everything to them, and that would
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: make it real and official that our mother had abandoned us.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: If he didn't call them, he'd have no way to
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: find her or know if she was safe. He ended
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: up calling them, and two officers showed up at our
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: house about 30 minutes later. They were nice to us,
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: but I could tell from their faces that they'd seen
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: situations like this before, mothers who just left one day
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: and didn't come back. They asked dad a lot of
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: questions about whether mom had been depressed or acting strange lately,
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: whether they'd been fighting, whether there was anyone she might
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: have gone to stay with. Dad tried to answer everything honestly,
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: but I could hear the frustration in his voice because
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: he clearly didn't have the.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: Answers they needed.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: One of the officers, a woman named Officer Patricia Reeves,
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: knelt down to talk to me while the other one
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: talked to Dad in the kitchen. Did your mom say
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: anything unusual to you this morning?
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: She asked gently. Anything that seemed strange or different?
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: I thought about how Mom had let me lick the spoon,
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: how she'd hugged me so tight it hurt, how she'd
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: made me promise to take care of Lily no matter what.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: I told Officer Reeves all of that, and I saw
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: her exchange a look with her partner that I didn't
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: fully understand at the time, but would understand later. It
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: sounds like your mom was saying goodbye to you, she
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: said softly, even if you didn't realize that's what was happening.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: The officers took the note mom had left and photographed
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: it for their records. They said they'd put out a
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: missing person report and check traffic cameras and her credit
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: card activity, but they explained that adults have the legal
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: right to leave if they want to, and unless there
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: was evidence that mom was in danger or was a
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: danger to herself, there wasn't much they could do beyond
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: trying to locate her. After they left, Dad sat us
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: down in the living room and tried to explain what
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: was going to happen next. He'd have to take time
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: off work to take care of us until he could
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: figure out childcare. We'd have to tell people at school
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: and in the neighborhood that.
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: Mom was gone. We'd have to learn how to function
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: as a family without her. Lily didn't really understand.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: She was only five and kept asking when mommy was
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: coming back to finish her birthday party. But I understood
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: enough to know that our lives had just changed forever.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: That night, dad tried to salvage Lily's birthday by putting
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: candles in the cake and singing to her. But it
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: was the saddest birthday song I'd ever heard. just the
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: three of us sitting at the kitchen table in the
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: house that suddenly felt huge and empty without mom in it.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: Lily blew out her candles and made a wish, and
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: I knew without asking that she'd wished for mom to
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: come home. We each had a slice of cake that
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: tasted like dust in my mouth because all I could
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: think about was mom's hands guiding mine while we mixed
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: the batter, her smile when we'd finished decorating it, the
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: way she'd looked at me like she was trying to
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: memorize my face. The next morning was Sunday, and dad
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: made us breakfast, but none of us ate much. He'd
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: been up most of the night looking at mom's things,
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: trying to find clues about where she might have gone.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: He discovered that she'd taken some clothes, but not all
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: of them, her toothbrush and some toiletries, but she'd left
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: behind her wedding ring on the bathroom counter. That detail
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: seemed to hurt Dad more than anything else, the deliberate
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: removal and abandonment of her wedding ring. He called the
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: police again to update them with new information, but they
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: said there was still no activity on her credit cards
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: and no sign of her car. By Monday morning, Dad
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: had to tell our school what had happened. I remember
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: the principal Mrs. Laura Whitmore calling me into her office
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: and speaking to me in that careful gentle voice adults
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: use when they're talking to a kid going through trauma.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: She said I could talk to the school counselor anytime
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: I needed to and that my teachers would understand if
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: my grades slipped for a while. I hated the way
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: everyone at school looked at me after that, with pity
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: and curiosity mixed together. Kids asked me where my mom
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: went and I didn't know what to tell them because
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: I didn't actually know the answer. Lily's kindergarten teacher, Miss Jennifer,
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: called Dad in for a meeting because Lily kept saying
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: her mom was coming back any day now to finish
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: her birthday party, and the teacher was worried that Lily
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: wasn't processing what had actually happened. Dad tried to explain
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: to Lily that Mom might not be coming back for
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: a long time, maybe not.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: Ever, but Lily refused to believe it.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: She kept setting a place for Mom at the dinner
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: table and saving drawings to show her when she got home.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: A week passed with no word from Mom.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: Dad hired a private investigator named Donald Archer, who specialized
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: in finding missing persons. Donald found out that Mom had
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: checked into a motel about three hours away the day
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: she left, using cash so there'd be no credit card trail.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: She'd stayed there for two nights and then checked out,
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: and after that, the trail went cold. Donald showed Dad
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: security camera footage from the motel parking lot, and Dad
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: watched it alone in his office with the door closed,
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: but I heard him crying afterward. Another week went by,
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: and then another. The police told Dad they were moving
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: Mom's case to inactive status because there was no evidence
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: of foul play, and she was clearly leaving of her
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: own free will. They suggested Dad file for divorce and
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: custody on grounds of abandonment if Mom didn't return or
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: make contact within a certain time period. I found Dad
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: looking at family photos late one night when he thought
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: Lily and I were asleep. He was going through albums
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: from when they first got married, from when I was born,
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: from when Lily was born, trying to figure out where
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: things had gone wrong. He had this look on his
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: face like he was searching for clues in those old pictures,
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: some sign that this was coming that he'd missed. A
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: month after Mom left, Aunt Melissa came to stay with
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: us for a week to help out because Dad was
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: struggling to manage work and taking care of two kids
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: by himself. She tried to get Dad to talk about
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: his feelings, but he kept saying he was fine and
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: just needed to focus on making sure Lily and I
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: were okay. But I'd hear him on the phone late
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: at night calling hospitals and homeless shelters in surrounding cities,
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: anywhere he could think of that Mom might have ended up.
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: He even drove back to the motel where she'd stayed
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: and talked to the staff there, asking if anyone remembered
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: seeing which direction she'd gone, or if she'd mentioned where
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: she was headed. No one remembered anything useful. By the
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: time two months had passed, our house had settled into
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: a new, horrible normal. Dad had hired a nanny named
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: Colleen Ward, who picked Lily and me up from school
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: and stayed with us until Dad got home from work.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: Colleen was nice, but she wasn't Mom, and every day
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: when she showed up at school to collect us, I
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: felt this sharp reminder that Mom was gone. Dad stopped
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: looking at her laptop and stopped calling her family to
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: check if they'd heard anything. He packed up all of
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: Mom's things that she'd left behind and put them in
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: boxes in the attic, not throwing them away, but getting
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: them out of sight so we wouldn't have constant reminders.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: Lily slowly started to accept that Mom wasn't coming back
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: to finish her birthday party. She stopped setting a place
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: for her at dinner and stopped talking about her as much,
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: which was somehow worse than when she'd been in denial.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: It meant she was starting to forget, starting to adjust
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: to life without a mother. I caught Dad crying in
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: the garage one Saturday afternoon when he thought no one
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: was around. He was sitting in his car just staring
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: straight ahead with tears running down his face. Three months
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: after Mom left, Dad's lawyer Jeremy Walsh called to say
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: that Mom had sent paperwork to a law office requesting
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: a divorce. She didn't provide a return address or contact information,
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: just had the papers delivered through a series of legal
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: intermediaries that made it nearly impossible to trace where she
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: actually was. The papers stated that she was relinquishing all
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: parental rights to Lily and me, and that Dad would
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: have full custody. She didn't ask for visitation rights or
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: any involvement in our lives. The divorce settlement she proposed
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: was that Dad could keep everything, the house and the
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: cars and all the bank accounts. She wanted nothing except
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: to be released from the marriage and from being our mother.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: Dad signed the papers with shaking hands while I watched
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: from the kitchen doorway.
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: Did she say anything else? I asked.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: Did she explain why? Dad shook his head without looking
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: up from the papers. Just legal language about irreconcilable differences
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: and inability to fulfill parental responsibilities.
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: Nothing personal. Nothing that helps us understand.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: Jeremy took the signed papers and said he'd file them
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: with the court and that the divorce would probably be
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: finalized within another month or two. After he left, Dad
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: finally broke down completely. He sat at the kitchen table
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: where we'd had Lily's birthday cake three months ago, and
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: he cried harder than I'd ever seen anyone cry. I
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: failed her somehow, he kept saying. I must have failed
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: her and I didn't even realize it. I wanted to
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: comfort him, but I was only nine years old and
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: I didn't know how to help an adult who was
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: falling apart. I just stood there watching my father cry
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: and feeling helpless and angry at mom for doing this
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: to all of us. Four months after she left, we
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: got a letter in the mail with no return address.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: It was addressed to me and Lily in mom's handwriting
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: and dad opened it carefully like it might explode. Inside
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: was a single page. Mom had written, Dear Caleb and Lily,
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: I know you probably hate me and I don't blame you.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: I hate myself for what I did. but I need
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: you to understand something even though you're too young to
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: fully understand it now.
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: I was drowning.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: Every single day I woke up and felt like I
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: was drowning and I couldn't breathe and I couldn't see
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: a way out. It wasn't because of you or because
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: I didn't love you. You two are the best things
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: I ever did in my life. But somewhere along the way,
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: I lost myself completely, and I didn't know who I
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: was anymore besides someone's wife and someone's mother. I tried
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: to be strong and I tried to keep going, but
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: on Lily's birthday morning I woke up and realized I
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: had a choice. I could stay and keep drowning until
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: I did something much worse to hurt you, Or I
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: could leave and give you a chance to have a
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: better life without me dragging you down. I chose to
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: leave because I thought it was the lesser evil. I
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: thought you'd be better off with your dad who is
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: strong and capable and won't fail you the way I
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: was failing you every day. That birthday cake was my
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: way of trying to give you one last good memory
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: of me before I disappeared. I wanted you to remember
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: me smiling and happy. Not the broken person I'd become.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: I hope someday when you're older you can forgive me.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: I hope you have amazing lives. I hope you forget
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: about me and move on because that's what you deserve.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: I love you more than you'll ever know. Mom. Dad
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: read it twice and then handed it to me. I
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: read it and felt anger burning in my chest because
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: how dare she talk about drowning and being broken when
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: she was the one who chose to leave. She made
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: the choice to abandon us instead of getting help or
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: talking to someone or doing literally anything else besides baking
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: a cake and disappearing. Lily was too young to read
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: it herself, so Dad had to read it out loud
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: to her in simplified language, and she asked why Mom
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: couldn't have just told us she was sad instead of leaving.
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: Adults don't always make sense, sweetheart, was all Dad could say.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: We never heard from Mom again after that letter. Dad
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: kept the letter in a safe place even though I
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: told him I wanted to throw it away. He said
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: someday we might want to read it again when we
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: were older and could understand it differently. The divorce was
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: finalized five months after she left. Dad got full custody
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: of us, and mom's parental rights were legally terminated. On paper,
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: it was like she'd never been our mother at all.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: But in reality, her absence shaped everything about our lives
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: from that day forward.
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: Lily grew up.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: Barely remembering mom, just having vague memories of someone who
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: used to read her bedtime stories and sing to her.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: But I remembered everything. I remembered the good times before
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: she left, and I remembered that last morning when she'd
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: seemed so happy and so sad at the same time.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: I remembered her telling me to take care of Lily
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: no matter what, like she was passing me a responsibility
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: that should have been hers. As I got older, I
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: went back and forth between hating mom for what she
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: did and trying to understand her struggles. Dad never remarried
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: and never dated anyone seriously because he said he couldn't
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: trust his own judgment about people anymore. We functioned as
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: a family of three, and we survived, but there was
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: always this mom-shaped hole in our lives that never quite
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: filled in. When I was sixteen, I found Dad looking
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: at that birthday cake photo on his phone late one night.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: It was the picture Mom had taken of me spelling
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: out Lily's name in sprinkles, and you could see just
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: the edge of Mom's reflection in the kitchen window behind me, smiling.
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: Do you think she ever regrets it? I asked him.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: Leaving us, I mean. Dad looked at the photo for
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: a long time before answering. I think she regrets it
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: every single day, but I also think she's too broken
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: or too ashamed to come back and try to fix
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: what she destroyed. Some people run away from their problems,
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: and then they run so far that they can't find
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: their way back even if they want to. We never
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: found out where Mom ended up, or what her life
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: became after she left us. Sometimes I'd search for her
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: name on social media, or run Google searches hoping to
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: find some trace of her, but she'd disappeared completely.
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: It was like she'd erased herself from existence.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: Lily asked me once when she was twelve what I
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: remembered most about Mom, and I told her about the
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: birthday cake morning. I told her how happy Mom had seemed,
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: how she'd sung while we baked, how she'd let me
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: lick the spoon and hadn't cared about germs. I told
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: her about the three-page card I'd written, and how Mom
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: had cried reading it. I told her how Mom had
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: hugged me so tight, and made me promise to take
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: care of her, Was she saying goodbye even then?
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: Lily asked. While she was smiling and acting happy, was
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: she already planning to leave? I nodded. Yeah, I think
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: she was.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: I think that whole morning was her way of saying
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: goodbye without us knowing that's what was happening. Lily was
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: quiet for a minute and then said, I wish I
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: could remember her better. I wish I had more than
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: just the birthday cake story. That's the thing though, I
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: told her. That birthday cake story was supposed to be
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: your best memory of mom. She engineered that whole morning
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: to be perfect so you'd remember her as someone who
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: loved you and wanted to make you happy. Instead, it
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: became the memory of the day she left. She tried
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: to give us something good, and it turned into something terrible.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: When I turned 18 and left for college, Dad helped
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: me move into my dorm, and we stood there in
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: my new room surrounded by boxes. You know what I
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: regret most?
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: He said suddenly.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: I regret that the last time I saw your mother
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: smile was in old photos. I wasn't there that morning
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: when she was baking with you. I didn't get to
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: see her happy one last time. You and Lily did,
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: and I know that's both a gift and a curse,
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: but at least you got to see her smile even
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: if you didn't know it was goodbye. I thought about
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: that a lot over the years. When was the last
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: time I saw my mom smile? It was that Saturday
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: morning when I was nine years old, when she was
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: baking a birthday cake with me and singing and letting
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: me lick the spoon. It was when she hugged me
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: tight and told me to take care of my little sister.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: It was when she kissed my forehead and said I
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: was such a good big brother. She was smiling the
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: whole time, right up until the moment she walked out
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: the door and disappeared from our lives forever. That smile
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: haunts me, because it was real and fake at the
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: same time. She was genuinely happy to be spending that
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: time with me, making one last good memory, but she
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: was also performing happiness. putting on a show so I
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: wouldn't suspect what was about to happen. Now I'm 26
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: years old, and Lily is 22, and we're both adults
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: trying to build lives that aren't defined by the mother
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: who left us. Dad is in his late 50s and
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: finally started dating someone seriously last year, a kind woman
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: named Dorothy Mills who lost her husband to cancer and
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: understands what it's like to rebuild after loss. Sometimes when
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: I'm having a particularly hard day, I think about that
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: birthday cake and that smile and I wonder if mom
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: thinks about it too. Wherever she is, I wonder if
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: she remembers how happy she looked that morning or if
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: the guilt has rewritten that memory into something darker. I
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: wonder if she knows that the last time I saw
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: her smile became the defining moment of my childhood, the
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: moment that taught me that happy moments can be lies,
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: that people you love can disappear, that nothing is as
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: permanent or reliable as you think it is. Lily asked
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: me again recently, we were having dinner at dad's house,
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: and the question just came up naturally, when was the
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: last time you saw mom smile? And I told her
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: the same story I've told her dozens of times before,
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: about the birthday cake and the pink frosting and the
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: rainbow sprinkles. But this time, I added something I'd never
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: said before. The last time I saw Mom smile was
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: the morning she left us, and even though that smile
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: was connected to the worst day of our lives, I'm
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: still glad I got to see it. Appreciate you watching
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: this far, if you enjoyed it, drop a like, leave
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: a comment, and subscribe so you won't miss the next story.