Latest / Mic Drop Comedy / Nate Jackson Crowd Work Pack Nashville The Ryman Auditorium

Transcript

Nate Jackson Crowd Work Pack Nashville The Ryman Auditorium · Mic Drop Comedy

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Wait, go up just a.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Please tell me that's your daddy. You that, old man?
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: So we gonna start with you, since you was smiling
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: about what you do with the dick, might as well
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: just talk to you. Is that a look away? Right
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: off the top, you want some of that smoke, huh?
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: What's your name then, sweetheart? Let's get to it.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: Daytona. Okay, that's pretty white.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: That's pretty goddamn, rest in peace, Junior.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: That's pretty white. Yeah, Dale Junior, rest in peace, Dale Junior.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: And so, who you with? You with this black couple
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: right here? Who you with, baby? You by yourself?
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: Can y'all clap it over for her? That takes, that
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: takes oxy. Are you from here too? So you're like,
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: I'm going. I don't give a fuck. I'm not bringing nobody.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: I don't need no man. I'm going down there. Are
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: you single too?
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Okay. You're kind of pretty. Why? You know what I mean?
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Like you should have a couple of men. You don't
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: have one of them?
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: No, you don't have like somebody that just stops by
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: and fixes shit at your house?
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: Okay. Okay.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, let's be honest. There's somebody coming through there every
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: couple months and digging down. Let's be real.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: Cool. And now let's talk to you, sir. You just
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: had a buffet or something? God damn. Shit. Could you
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: get closer and show all of him? He is a
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: glorious man. But you only got the top part. You
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: got to get, yeah. There it is.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: And that's not your deal. Is that your ball, sir?
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: That's crazy.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: What are you doing? It's the front row. Move your hand.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: You want to stand up and do one of these?
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: There you go, there you go. Right on, baby, right on. Goddamn.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: His nuts are like, oh!
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: You were trying to keep that secret, I saw you.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: She like, get off of him! Get off of him,
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna cover it. Get off of him. I like y'all, man.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: I like how she came to your aid. She's a
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: real one. I can tell. I know energy, baby. How
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: long y'all been doing this? Three months. I'ma move on because...
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: It's no disrespect. It's just, I'm really good at this,
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: and three months can't withstand some of this be saying.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: You say what now?
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: Five years of history, but three months married. Not even married.
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: So what was the three months?
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: Engaged? She got you pregnant? Yeah, you showing. Three months
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: of what?
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: What is he talking about? You've been a couple for
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: three months. So what is the five months of history?
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: Just working together? She curved you for five years? See,
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: I can't do this, sir. You don't understand. I don't
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: like that. I'll tear her to smithereens for you. Now
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: let's come down here and talk to this couple. He's
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: got this girl in a headlock. She got on the...
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: Are you a dwarf or something? Why is your hat
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: so goddamn big? Yeah, you look like you might have something.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: You might just keep the hat off. Is that your hat, sir? No,
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: you just put that down. You should burn that hat.
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: That don't go for you. How long y'all been doing this?
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: Year and a half of?
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: Just dating?
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: We're not gonna do that either. Okay, here goes some wisdom.
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: Right here, Samuel L. Jackson, thank you very much for
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: coming to the show. Could you please show him? He's
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: tired of these goddamn snakes on his. He look like Samuel.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: Freeman, don't he? He look like both of them. In
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: the beginning, What's your name, sir?
• 4:57
  Speaker 3: Thomas.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: Like from Django? Oh, you gotta change your name.
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: After movies like that come out, you can't still be
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: old and black and going by Thomas.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: Who that on that mare?
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: That's what Thomas said in the movie, Thomas. Lord have mercy. Thomas,
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: how young are you? You look like you might be
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: several different ages.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: 74. Y'all should make more noise than that. He look good.
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: He look good for 74. Thomas, you're doing your shit, boy.
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: That black don't crack, let's you do.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: It. Now, pull up Morgan Freeman from Lean On Me.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: When he said, lock the doors, Miss Levi's, lock the doors.
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: You're smoking crack, ain't your boy? He made them boys
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: sing in that bathroom.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: Sing it, shit. Fair East Side. We got some black
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: people in this bitch. He said, yes, sir. This your
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: woman with you? Outstanding. Married? Thomas.
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: You too old to just be out here fucking.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: He said, it is what it is, right? Hell yeah,
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: I'm finna die in her.
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: That's gonna be my last piece of pussy right now.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: God damn, Thomas. Are y'all married? The pastor and the
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: first lady right there on the other end of the bench?
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: Who's married? Everybody look brand new though. How long?
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: 17 years.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: Outstanding. But she don't look like, is there an age gap? Really?
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: You're 43? Wow. Could you show him? He looks terrible.
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: Show him right there, this Mario Lopez daddy. Sir, you
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: look like a 65 year old bike cop. You're 43, fam?
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: What do you eat?
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: Change clothes and have more fun or something.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: Tap into the younger you.
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: Abuelo looking ass mother abuelito.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: And this, how young are you?
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: 39, and you look fantastic. You look 24, 23 even.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: Seriously, so you need to talk to him. This is crazy.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: I thought you were her dad, bro. I thought this
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: was a father-daughter. That's wild. How did you meet her?
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: At the gym. Really? Who approached who? You walked up
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: to her. You're like, hey, little mama. What kind of
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: game you got? What'd you say?
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: How'd you get her off her machine or whatever she
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: was doing? What'd you say? You were on the elliptical?
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: And he just got on the one next to you like,
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: so are you into the movies?
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: And you're like, how old are you? He's like, I'm
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: two months older than you. What's the problem? He was
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: an employee of the gym. You trained her.
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: He walked up to you and said, I'll make you
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: lose weight. And then he got you pregnant and you
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: gained weight. That's the opposite of what you're supposed to
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: be doing, sir. And are you guys Latinos? What kind?
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: Mexican? What kind? Jalisco? Zacatecas? What kind? What's your kind? Okay, okay.
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: Interesting, so you guys got hella kids then? Three?
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: Wait a minute, he put... What the is going on
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: down here?
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: She was like three, he was like two, so I
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: don't have a.
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: Choice but to figure out what the that's about. She what?
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: Got it, so you have two together and one before.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: And when I ask you how many kids you got,
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: you're the one that said two. She counted your baby
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: and you did not.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: This is wild. He's like, fuck that oldest one. That's
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: from when I looked 21. Back in 75. And so
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: are you a cop? What do you do? Huh?
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: He still looks like a cop. I don't know where
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: I saw him at.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: Where were y'all? H-town? I had Hispanic guys?
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: This is a dope-ass podcast that you just turned this into.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: What the fuck?
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: She just clicked over on y'all. Hold on, I got
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: another call. Like I'm not in a show. So you're
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: not the police. You just look like this, like a
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: supervisor of police officers.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: What do you do? You sell homes in H-town. Big ones?
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: Why you look away? I don't believe you. And what
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: are you doing here?
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: You just visiting? You flew here from Houston? You came
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: just for the show?
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: All right.
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: Okay, I'm gonna fuck off y'all. I'm definitely not serious.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: I'm not fucking with them. Just kidding, sir, don't arrest me.
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: I know you're a fucking cop. Now let's talk to
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: Tom Joyner and Jill Scott down here.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: Can we, can you point?
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: This look like Tom Joyner like a motherfucker. Like I
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: feel like this dude might be in the way. Y'all
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: know what time, Google it, goddammit, that's spot on. You
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: probably been stopped in hotels, like, oh my.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: God, talk! Oh, never mind, sorry. What are you?
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: I can't get a bead on what you are. You
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: got black nostrils and blue eyes. Are you a white
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: man or a black man? You're a white man. Outstanding, sir,
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: nice to meet you.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: And then this your queen here? Married? How long?
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: 10 years, and you guys definitely got an age gap, right?
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: Okay, thank you for looking and being honest, because he's
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: a fire down there. How old are you, sir? 50? Yeah,
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: you don't look that good for 50 neither.
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: You really don't. You're turning back into a sperm. I
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: don't know why I said that. But I did, I
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: can't have it back. And so where'd you meet your
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: girl at?
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: Match.com. You bullshitting, you picked him?
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: That's the kind of man you stumble across. He didn't
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: even have to consistently pursue you. You were like, ooh,
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: I like him right now.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: .
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: Let's see who I match with. Wow, you're a one
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: of a kind, sir. And you love him? You do?
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: You love her? You love the fuck out of her,
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: don't you? He's like... Hold on. Hey, where the fuck
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: you coming from? Huh?
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: You been gone a little while, too. I watched when
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: you left, but I didn't say nothing. You took a
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: shit on my show? If you know me, you know
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: I don't like no goddamn show. I can't say, like, you.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: Can shit on your own. I got openers. Shit during
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: their show. Don't shit during my show. You done came
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: here with your fine ass and at my show. Went
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: in there and took a fine ass doodoo, like. Fiend.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: What's your name, show shitter? Marley? Marla, nice to meet you.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: And you with them?
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: No?
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: You solo too? You live here too?
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: What's wrong with Nashville? Y'all just got beautiful women just
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: out here by themselves? Okay, single men clap twice.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: I don't know why that lady just yelled. We're gonna
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: do this again. Pay attention. You got a little excited.
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: She's like, what?
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: If you're a single man, clap two times. Okay, so
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: in a room of this size, there's only four. So
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: now I understand what y'all going through is slim pickings. Dang,
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: but maybe we can, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: try right now. I'm gonna try to find somebody for you.
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: Cause out of the four that's here, we might have
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: some action. It might be somebody that already saw you
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: taking my show and they saw you. They might like
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: you already. They might be like, look at that black
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: girl with that shoulder out trying to. Yeah, cause that
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: shirt don't even do that. She pulled it down like,
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: I'm about to get me some. You ain't even got
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: no bra on, where the strap at?
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you out here trying to Marla. Look at Morgan Freeman.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: You're like, let me see what she working with.
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, lock the door, Miss LaVirus.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: Hey, just show the balcony. This is a beautiful venue.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: I feel like we should just fuck around a little
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: bit and see what's up top. Okay, goddamn, there's a
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: lot going on up there. Okay, oh, okay. Okay, all right,
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: let's go back the other way.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah! Where are
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: they at?
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: Y'all a good looking couple right there. Just a little
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: fat little couple. I like that.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: But she's like, yeah, I fuck that shit, fool. I
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: don't give a fuck. Gordo y gordo, fool. I like
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: how you did the purple in your hair. That's a
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: beautiful choice. I like that. Sir.
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: When'd you get out? Moving on, let's see some more
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: people before I get stabbed and rolled into a burrito.
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: How come all the white boys in this town look
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: like Jack Harlow? Stop, go up a little higher, a.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: Little higher, stop.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: Ah.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: No, I've been trained.
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah. That angels in heaven decide my night.
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: Ma'am in the orange, could you please lean forward?
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: There's somebody behind you I would like to take a
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: look at.
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: Oh my God.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: It's Mr. or Mrs. Potato Head.
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: God damn. That's a special deck right there. I want
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: to give you a hickey, god damn it. All right,
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: let's move on over.
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: There to that side up top. I'm having fun now.
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: I'm fucking down, baby. What's going on? Stop. Let's see
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: what we got. Hold still, god damn it. Look at
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: that dirty ass white man right there.
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: We got Duck Dynasty in the building.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: Look at this right here.
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: Do you remember when Bobby Boucher came back at halftime
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: and the boy dog wanted a Superdome?
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: Look at that goddamn beard right there. Bigfoot spotting. Let's
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: go a little bit more to your left.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: This is fun. You can zoom out a little. You
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: don't got to scare the out of everybody. Oh, wow,
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: look at all these people.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: Hey, baby, I see you. I see you. Wait, go
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: up just a... Please tell me that's your daddy.
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: You that, old man? This lady fucking Ross Perot.
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: God damn it, Richard Nixon is still up there getting
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: that pussy. Lady, you going to hell. Bill Belichick! I'm sorry,
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: O'Doyle Rules, could you move your fucking head out of
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: the way so we can see him? O'Doyle Rules, get
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: the fuck out of the way. I'm trying to see
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: Jerry Jones.
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: The owner of the Dallas Cowboys is in this bitch.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: About to die in my fucking show. Pull up Jerry Jones.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: This looks pretty good.
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: But you're going to have to get one from about
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: 30 years ago because Jerry.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: Jones old as a. Yeah, I'm gonna wait on this
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: one right here. Yeah, I'm gonna wait. Lady, get off
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: of him, this is gross. What the is going on
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: in Nashville? Go back, go back, go back. Go back,
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: go back, go back, go back.
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: Go back, go back, go back the other way.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: Go back, go back. I can't write this shit. That's crazy. Oh,
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: my God. Okay, you can zoom out. That's crazy.
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: He about to die. Just zoom out a little bit.
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: I want to see about 100 people in the shot.
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: Let me see what else is going on. Oh, man,
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: that was fantastic right there. Oh my God.
• 20:37
  Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: Sir.
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: Where was that? You gotta ask permission for you to
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: do that kind of. That's going right on the internet
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: like that. Oh, salt and peppers in this mother. Ah,
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: push it. Looking like flowetry. Y'all look like each character
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: Queen Latifah has played.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: You look like Alicia. Please, can I have one more plate?
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: Where they at? They pretty. Yeah, I like the one
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: in the glasses. The sunglasses. Stand up, leopard. Let me
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: see what you got on. Let me see the whole thing.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: Give me a little spin. Oh my God.
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: You got it on you, huh? Yeah, you got it
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: on a diaper, God damn it. See, this is why
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: that Cardi B had me hard in the mother. That
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: kind of ass right there. Shit, what's your name?
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: Shit, you're pretty. Look at your little teeth. What's your name?
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: You got too many though. How many teeth you got
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: on top? You got too many teeth. Would you rob
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: a dentist?
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: You're like, give me all the teeth in this mother.
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: What's your name?
• 22:14
  Speaker 3: Mia.
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: Mia? Mama Mia. Nice to meet you. And what about
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: salt or pepper? Whichever one you want to be. Sunshine. Sunshine?
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: Like Harlem Nights?
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: They say that is so good, she take it off
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: and throw it in the air and it turn into sunshine.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: Y'all remember this shit? Red Fox was like, God. They
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: throw it in there.