Latest / The You Project / #2150 Rushing to Nowhere - Christian Stewart

Transcript

#2150 Rushing to Nowhere - Christian Stewart · The You Project

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: I get a your bloody superstars. I'll tell you what.
• 0:04
  Speaker 2: In Melbourne, folks, I don't know where you live, but
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: where I live in the thriving metropolis down the bottom
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: of austral the art well, almost the bottom, that would
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: really be Tazzy. Wouldn't shout out to Tazzy or seven
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: of you who listened to this over there. I hope
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: you're great. But right now I'm looking out the window
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: at the winbow, the window through the bamboo. See Wimbo
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: is a combination of window and bamboo. I'm looking through
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: the winbow and it's sunny, and it's beautiful, and it's
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: twenty degrees at ten o'clock, it's going to be grouse.
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: Christian Ray Stewart is today's guest. He is one of
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: my oldest friends. We've known each other for I'm going
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: to say thirty plus years. He is someone who's recently
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: been through a really interesting experience, and you know me,
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: I love hearing.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Other people's stories.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: I love learning about where they've been and what they've seen,
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: and perhaps most importantly, what they've been through and what
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: understanding and insight or experience they took away from that
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: event or that situation or that thing that they went through,
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: and Christian's recently been through something that I've spoken about
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: with him at the gym because he's one of my
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: training partners, spoken about this with him at the gym,
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: and I just think it's, let's be honest, fucking fascinating.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: I don't fully get it. He doesn't fully get it.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: And I'm just going to preface this conversation with these
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: two mates having a chat. That's it. It's not an interview,
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: it's not a presentation. We're not telling anyone what to
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: do or what not to do, and I expect to
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: learn as much as you. So, without further ado, Hello,
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: big boy, how are you?
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: I'm good mate? How are you?
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: Oh? Look, I'm great over here in Hampton. How's bo Marris?
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: How's the thriving metropolis of bo Maris?
• 1:57
  Speaker 3: All right, mate, I'm I'm tucked up on the beg
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: my little dog here, Murphy. I've just had a little
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: bit of a walk with him, a bit of breakfast,
• 2:07
  Speaker 3: jumped in the cold plunge, make got myself organized and
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: I've propped myself up on bear to have any yacht
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: to you. Good on you? Is it?
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: So?
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: It's Wednesday. You have Wednesdays off.
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, I've got to be Wednesday at the moment, mate.
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: So I'm working Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday off, Thursday, Friday and
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: then two days off. So just to give our listeners
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: to hang out, I'll just hang out and just relax
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: and you know rest.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: My one thing about dogs is they're just going to
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: love you. They're not going to talk back. They're just
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: going to sit next to your day and go, fuck,
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: You're great. Yeah, it doesn't matter what you do.
• 2:42
  Speaker 3: He's just a champion. I've let him in the bed. Though.
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: Let's not tell your missus. Let's not tell the lovely
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: mirror who's probably going to listen to this and is
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: now mad at me. Sorry, Maren, Sorry, not sorry. So
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: let's just give people a little bit of an understanding
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: before we talk about your recent adventures.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: What do you do? What's your job? We used to
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: be a personal trainer, amongst many things. But what do
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: you do now?
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: What do I do right now? Mate? I work for
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: a landscaping company. We look after high end homes all
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: around Melbourne. I work for a company that's been around
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: for about thirty years. I do sort of like a
• 3:18
  Speaker 3: bayside run. So I've got myself a van and normal
• 3:22
  Speaker 3: tools and go to homes and some of the guys
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: come in and you know, do a renovation on someone's garden,
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: put in paving the lights, put in new plants. And
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: my job is to keep the garden alive. So when
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: plants die or things are looking a bit so I'll
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: replace them and fertilize the lawn and you know, make
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: it look nice for the client and probably I reckon.
• 3:46
  Speaker 3: I do about four or five jobs a day, couple
• 3:51
  Speaker 3: jobs down the coast, look after some nice homes down
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: at Merrick's North, down at Porzy.
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: Do you work on any Do you work on any
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: places that are worth more than twenty million?
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: No ah, ah, No, there's a couple of big places
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: down in Portsy.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: There's some fancy joints down there, isn't there.
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: Yeah, there's some big there's a lot of money down there.
• 4:15
  Speaker 3: But we've got some really wealthy clients in the Gowries.
• 4:19
  Speaker 3: A place up in I think up in in the
• 4:22
  Speaker 3: city there, it's an old home that's been around for
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: many years. Yeah, Yet there's a lot of staff. There's
• 4:28
  Speaker 3: like I think nearly forty staff, you know, so it's busy.
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: It's busy, long days, but it's good. It's outside, being in,
• 4:36
  Speaker 3: being in nature and being amongst the wind and the
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: trees and the birds, which I like. So it's good.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: You and I.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: You and I were talking recently about communication in nature
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: and the way that animals communicate and even trees communicate,
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: and yeah, and getting energy, like not metaphorically, not pretend,
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: but actually getting energy back from your environment and being
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: around trees.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: Do you think do you think for you.
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: That that's part of your kind of mental health management?
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah, one hundred percent. I feel I reckon better when
• 5:15
  Speaker 3: I'm outside, like that vibe when you go camping or
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: you're fishing, or you often do you you know, your
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: morning walks along Hampon Beach with your bare feet, something
• 5:29
  Speaker 3: makes you feel better. There's a vibe. I think there's
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: an energy, there's a flow of something out there that
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: definitely makes your soul feel better. You know. I think
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: wilder the weather sometimes the better for me.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: I love it.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: Isn't it isn't it interesting how much we fucking hurry
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: to nowhere in particular.
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: Exactly?
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: You know the other day I was down there, As
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: you say, I walk often get to go.
• 5:56
  Speaker 3: Did you do bare feet when you walk?
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I get to the beach, I take my shoes
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: and side don't walk bare feet there.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: I walk in shoes.
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: But I.
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: Get you know where green Point is, where South Road
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: meets Beach Road. Often I get there, take my shoes off,
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: and then I walk basically back up to Sandy your club,
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: as much as I can in the soft sand, which,
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: by the way, everyone, if you want to burn a
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: few extra calories, don't walk on a firm surface. Walk
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: on a soft, moving surface like sand.
• 6:30
  Speaker 3: Does that make you feel though? Yeah, I watched that bit.
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, like I just had this moment the other day,
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: really the other day. You know, people say that it
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: was two years ago. No, it was not last week.
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: It was a week before, so maybe ten days ago, four.
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: Ten days ago.
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: And I, you know, I have to get in because
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: of my maniac. I have to get in my ten
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: thousand steps a day. And one of the downsides I
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: think of, like organization and structure and to do lists
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: and box ticking and achieving and moving forward. It's all
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: good unless you wake up in the middle of all
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: the achieving and box ticking and moving and you know,
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: and go I'm not that fucking happy, or I'm busily
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: heading in this direction. But you know, we get to that,
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: we get wherever we wanted to go, and then we go, ah,
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: that's not it. So I have to pull myself up
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: and realize I'm sometimes rushing to nowhere in particular.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: That might be the name of today's show. But anyway,
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: do you do list?
• 7:39
  Speaker 3: So are you a list boy? I'm mating you go mate,
• 7:42
  Speaker 3: I'm going to do that, or I can't be there.
• 7:44
  Speaker 3: I mean, obviously we work.
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we've spoken about this. Actually, that's a good question.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: Mary Harper is a fucking whorl chair. Like if there
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: was an Olympics for writing lists.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: She's you know, she's at she's the goat.
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: But I was walking down right near you know, where
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: the monument is down there there at the end of
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: South Road.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: I was walking right near there.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: There's a ramp that departs from the car park down
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: I was walking past down that like thirty miles an hour,
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: like swinging my arms and you know, being.
• 8:15
  Speaker 3: And listening to a podcast, yeah, learning things in the podcast.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: And then I just stopped for a minute and I
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: looked out there was no one around me.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: It was absolutely beautiful.
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: I took my headphones off, like that's a dumb thing
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: walking in nature with headphones on.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: I think you've got to take them off because nature
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: is the soundtrack.
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: And and I just sat my ass down there, and
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: there's all these rocks that go down to the water,
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: and so I literally went down to the edge of
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: the water. I took my shoes and socks off, put
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: my I wear shorts anyway, but I put my feet
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: just in the water. And then within about two minutes,
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: like my brain's going, come on, mate, that's good. You've
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: had a bit of nature, right, Oh, come.
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: On, we go on, let's go, got shit to do.
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: And I could just feel this inner conflict of like
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: I don't know what it is, but my spirit or
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: my soul or my whatever gone. No, just stay here,
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: just leave your feet in the water. Just look out there,
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: and for fox sake, stop thinking yet.
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: Craig, just a little Craig on your shoulder, going hey mate,
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: let's go. We've got things to do. We've got to train,
• 9:18
  Speaker 3: we've got to go and eat some food and be busy.
• 9:21
  Speaker 3: You've got to you got to shut that little guy off.
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: I reckon, You've got to learn those skills it.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: Is, don't you reckon it? Oh?
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: And in our culture we're busy and productive. And it's like,
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: you know, when you say to people sometimes how are.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: You or how have you been? They don't tell you
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: how they've been. They tell you how busy they are.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: How are busy?
• 9:46
  Speaker 3: No?
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: I don't know. No, I don't want to like a
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: list of your achievements. I mean, how are you?
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: How are you?
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: Though?
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: People don't even know what to do?
• 9:55
  Speaker 3: And do you reckon too many people when you say
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: how you go and come up and go I tear
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: off how the work day? How many people go, No,
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: I'm good? You often hear how are you? I've had
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: a cold and I had a terrible night's sleep, and
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: this person's giving me the shits and I've got a headache.
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: You know, you don't often hear that, though, do you.
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: I'm having a Yeah, that's but that's that is absolutely true.
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: But like I think women are much better at this,
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: being like more readily emotional and available and open and honestly,
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: obviously it depends if you're getting off the bus. It's
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: probably not the best timing, but in general terms, you know,
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: if there's space, but I've been doing this a lot
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: with blokes, whereas I go, hey, doing mate, or and
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: they go yeah, all good, yep, yep, and then I
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: just let that settle and then I go and then
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: I just look in their eyes.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: I go, yeah, cool story, but how are you though?
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: Yeah?
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: And then quite often they more than fifty per cent
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: of the time, they start telling me about some bad
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: shit that's happening, or some stress or something about their
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: kids or their you know, their partner or their yeah,
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: and I just think, and you can't be all things
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: for all people, But isn't it amazing when you just
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: you know, give people whatever it is three minutes, four
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: minutes where you're just you're holding space.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: I hate that term, but you are.
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: You're holding space for them, and you're making them the
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: center of your attention focus for three or four minutes,
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: coming from a place of compassion.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: And then people I've.
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: Had many dudes cry when I go, yeah, I don't
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: believe you, what's really going on?
• 11:44
  Speaker 3: Sorry, once you do open that door, I think being
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: a good listener is just a skill, you know, really
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: really hearing people. Once you get through that, all good
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: and really, how are you? And just sitting there and
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: listening to people is very important, you know.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: I understand. Oh wow, is this the first part you've
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: ever done podcast?
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: Yeah?
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: Like as in this, Yeah, well you're good at this.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: You're good. People are going to go no fuck also
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: like bloody Landscape. But how much wisdom as you got?
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: But don't you learn more from not talking and just listening?
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: Oh?
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that is we Yeah, don't you reckon like just
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: sitting in silence, I mean, not sitting in silence on
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: the I don't know, dressed with a pair of rainbow
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: clothes on. You know, But you just learn more from
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: being a good listener unless talking. Do you agree?
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: I feel like you're saying that directly to me, and
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: now I'm a bit scared. I do I fire that
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: arrow straight at your mate. Yeah, I'll take that. I'll
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: take that. Pretty hard to do a podcast without talking
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: a bit, though, But that's right, No, I'm fucking with you.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: I totally agree.
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: Hey, son, can I just interrupt though?
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: Yeahive mate, it's a chat, there's no interview.
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: Yeah all right, that's good. What about when we first met? Remember,
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: like I think I was like twenty five, I reckon
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: twenty four to twenty five? Yeah, you were a couple
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: of years older than me, and I had no idea
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: what I was doing, well, sort of.
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: I mean what I think is fascinating about you and
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: many other people, but fascinating about you is when I
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: first met you. And I was quite good at figuring
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: people out, I couldn't really figure you out because you
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: were like a fucking.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: Dog with three dicks.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: You were all over the shop, and you were funny,
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: and you had good people skills and you were likable,
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: but you kind of didn't know what you wanted to.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: Do with your life. But you did a bit, but
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: you didn't. And but we're all young and dumb to
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: an extent.
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: It's fun times.
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: And so how long.
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: Did you How long did you work at Harper's give
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: or take, like as a trainer?
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: I reckon probably maybe five years, I think being Bluff
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: Road where we train now you know video store there,
• 14:14
  Speaker 3: maybe four or five years. And we went off and
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: we did sort of explored. I think we did a
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: couple of we did a couple of camps together, yeah,
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: are and one at the prom and then I moved
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: on and started doing other stuff, you know, working at
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: other centers there for a while.
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: But yes, I don't want to throw you under the
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: bus straight away, but I do feel like you had
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: been working with me for not that long and I
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: got a phone call. I think it was a Saturday morning.
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: He wa is going, I'm at the Sandringham Hospital. Can
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: you come and pick me up? Because you'd been because
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: you've been bluing with some blokes in a car park
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: or something.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: Do you remember that.
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: Sort of there's a little bit of alcohol involved, but
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: I can't remember. It might have been. Yeah, I did
• 15:10
  Speaker 3: a few of them, not many, but you know I'm not.
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: Don't go out looking for trouble, but.
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: You don't anymore.
• 15:18
  Speaker 3: No, Well, I remember I think I rang you and
• 15:20
  Speaker 3: said I can't come in today. I'm at the hospital.
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: I've just had my head punched in. Can you come
• 15:25
  Speaker 3: and pick me up? Something along those lines.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah. How many times did I do that for mates?
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: Quite a few? What was I going to say to you?
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: I think?
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: Also another interesting part of your story worth sharing, just
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: to give our listeners context and insight, is that you
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: went through school and you grew up dealing with dyslexia,
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: and reasonably kind of high level dyslexia, if there's such
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: a thing. But but you really really struggled with reading
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: and write. What are your memories around that, good, bad, terrifying.
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: Well, obviously I didn't really look forward to going to school,
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: but I just had to adapt, you know, I just
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: sort of fell into and like back then, so I
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: mentioned me the other day, like the way they tested
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: whether you had a comprehension issue or you were dyslexic
• 16:21
  Speaker 3: was pretty wishy washy compared to today's days. You know, Yeah,
• 16:28
  Speaker 3: how did I navigate that space? I just fell into
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: playing lots of sport, like obviously art and music. I
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: became quite popular. I just remember being singled out a
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: lot in class and just purely not understanding what was
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: going on. Like like being in class and reading everybody's
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: reading a book. Teacher would say, okay, Stuart's stand up,
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: can you please read the next chapter? And I wouldn't.
• 16:57
  Speaker 3: It was like ants sometimes just you know, fall off
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: the page or and all the numbers on, you know,
• 17:03
  Speaker 3: like we're on page fifty seven. I get to page
• 17:05
  Speaker 3: fifty seven, paragraph too, and all the words would blend
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: blend in together, and then other kids thought I was
• 17:12
  Speaker 3: being funny, and it was you know, stand up, go
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: have a detention or leave the classroom. So I just
• 17:17
  Speaker 3: had to navigate that and just pretty much win it,
• 17:20
  Speaker 3: you know. So I just sort of fell into the
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: sports side and a bit of music, and I think
• 17:28
  Speaker 3: I got to maybe Form five, I don't know what
• 17:33
  Speaker 3: the year eleven, eleven, eleven, Yeah, okay, I got to
• 17:38
  Speaker 3: I think about a couple of months into that and
• 17:40
  Speaker 3: I said to my parents I'm done. So I got
• 17:43
  Speaker 3: out of all things, fell into a headdressing apprenticeship, which
• 17:50
  Speaker 3: is pretty funny.
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: You've cut my hair at the gym, yeah, more than
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: once or twice.
• 17:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's coming handy. So I think I just got
• 18:01
  Speaker 3: to the point where I had enough, mate, you know,
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: it was sort of not a waste of time and money,
• 18:06
  Speaker 3: but it was time to move on into the into
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: the hairdressing world. You know what, I know what I know.
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: What I noticed about you is for as long as
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: I've known you, Like, think about this, everyone, how you
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: won't really get this because you've only this is your debut, right,
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: But I've sat here literally thousands of times doing this.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: I've never had a debutante.
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: More aid back or more like this is if you
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: and I were just talking on a zoom call with
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: no one listening.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: This is what it would be.
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: And for you, like you've always managed to build connection
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: with people, build rapport, be.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: Funny, like funny, funny, funny.
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: And just laughing. We've had some rippers. I know. It's
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: like sometimes you and I say stuff, but we don't
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: actually talk. There's a lot of action. There's a lot
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: of yeah, I don't know.
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: Well, I think, yeah, there's I don't really want to
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: open that door, but.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: Fuck it, let's open the door.
• 19:11
  Speaker 3: But I mean, do you know what I mean?
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: Well, yeah, because you and I will see something and
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: we both think similarly in some ways. It might be
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: a person doing something, or it might be something just
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: and we look at each other and I know both.
• 19:27
  Speaker 3: The other way. You go out checked that out, and
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: I've just got to walk off. I can't even look
• 19:34
  Speaker 3: in that direction to you or I know, whatever the
• 19:36
  Speaker 3: situation is, because I just fall over.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: I don't I don't want to be at all like
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: and I wouldn't be. I don't want to be mean
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: or judge you or whatever.
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: But sometimes I just see something when we're at the gym,
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: and I think, oh God, I hope he doesn't see that,
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: because I hope you see that.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I hope he doesn't look at that, because then
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: I'm fucked and I can't.
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: I always got in trouble for laughing in class, and
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: I I wasn't laughing at all to be rude or disruptive.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: I just couldn't fucking And then when I started, then
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: I'd get in a bit of trouble. I was worse.
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I start to lose my shit and I
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: put my head in my hands, and then they'd get
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: angry and angry understandably, and then you know, I'm.
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: Fuckinging out loop you just can't get out, yeah, laughing
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: loop or no, yeah.
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm one of those I don't know ten percent
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: five per cent of people like you, I think too,
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: which you fucking you laugh when you shouldn't laugh. It's inappropriate,
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: And even in the moment you go, I know this
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: is inappropriate, but I fucking I can't. I literally can't,
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: because then I try to. I'm like, think of something else,
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: think of something else, and then the funny thing flashes
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: into my head and I'm going again.
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: And you try, and you try every trick in your
• 20:53
  Speaker 3: own book to stop this aw from doing it, and
• 20:54
  Speaker 3: you just can't. Yeah, sort of great fun. Though it's
• 21:01
  Speaker 3: a bit nauty.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: It's fun, isn't it? Chipboard?
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: So that's a code word between Christian and I that
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: I can never share.
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: But no, just no, it's funny.
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: So Christian, you had a We're not going obviously in
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: any chronological or even logical order, folks, But the main
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: reason I wanted to talk to you today, other than
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: to allow my listeners to meet one of my mates, is.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: So you had.
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: A you have had and going through an interesting psychological, physiological, medical, spiritual,
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: emotional kind of journey that you're still well and truly on.
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: When was the day of the event?
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: Before we start talking about specifics, do you remember or
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: the ballpark over.
• 21:57
  Speaker 3: The sixth on a Monday?
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: Wow, Yeah, that's pretty good for a bloke who's got
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: a fucking brain injury, tiber.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: Six on Monday.
• 22:07
  Speaker 3: Yeah you are. I actually think you are.
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: Which is a bit scary, but anyway, let's shut that door,
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: all right.
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: So what happened as much as you can remember, because
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: I know you were fucking out to the races for
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: a lot of it.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: So what happened on October six?
• 22:26
  Speaker 3: Can I go back a week?
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: You can go? Yeah, you start whatever you want.
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: So I just had like a flu or a cold
• 22:34
  Speaker 3: or sort of a chesty sort of cold flu thing
• 22:38
  Speaker 3: for a couple of weeks, and after two visits to
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: the doctor, doctor said, oh, look, well book in for
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: a chest x ray on them on the Monday, and
• 22:49
  Speaker 3: I'll just sort of keep keep the conversation going on Sunday. No, sorry,
• 22:55
  Speaker 3: Monday morning, about three o'clock, found myself standing in the
• 22:59
  Speaker 3: backyard I think between three and four. I am not
• 23:02
  Speaker 3: sure why or how come. Certainly wasn't hanging out any
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: washing or feeding the dog. And then walked into the
• 23:12
  Speaker 3: kitchen and it felt like the floor had sort of slipped.
• 23:15
  Speaker 3: Maybe some parts are really specific, like it felt like
• 23:18
  Speaker 3: the floor had sort of fallen away from my feet
• 23:22
  Speaker 3: to the left, like everything sort of you know, I mean,
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: it's hard to explain, you know. Got into bed, my
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: wife Maren tapping on the shoulder and said to eleven o'clock, go,
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: you've got to get the X ray or just X ray.
• 23:36
  Speaker 3: Walked into the backyard and then fell into the thing
• 23:41
  Speaker 3: called an acute symptomatic seizure. So I could not talk
• 23:48
  Speaker 3: properly or sink properly, or wasn't really sure where I was.
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: Okay, hang on, hang on, so you're aware now when
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: this is happening.
• 23:57
  Speaker 3: I'm going out to the backyard to get into the
• 24:00
  Speaker 3: car to dive, right. So she sees me being acting
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: a little bit weird and goes, you know where you're going,
• 24:08
  Speaker 3: and I start going and she's like, Christian, what's going on?
• 24:14
  Speaker 3: You know, smile, raise you, put your hands above your head,
• 24:19
  Speaker 3: just doing basic sort of I think she thinks. I
• 24:22
  Speaker 3: think she said sort of, you know, seeing what I
• 24:25
  Speaker 3: was having a stroke on, and I couldn't comprehend what
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: she was saying, and so I started sort of stuttering
• 24:31
  Speaker 3: and slurring and getting a lot of confusion and like
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: talking weirdly, like I was underwater. So she did the
• 24:39
  Speaker 3: best she could bundle me in to the car, with
• 24:43
  Speaker 3: me up to Sandry m Hospital, which is probably three
• 24:45
  Speaker 3: minutes up the road. I stayed in the car. Half
• 24:49
  Speaker 3: a dozen doctors right out, put me in a wheelchair,
• 24:52
  Speaker 3: ran some tests on me at Sandry How I didn't
• 24:54
  Speaker 3: know what was going on, a bit of confusion, like
• 24:58
  Speaker 3: the front of my forehead was quite hot mm hmmm,
• 25:02
  Speaker 3: and the nape of my neck, the back part of
• 25:04
  Speaker 3: my skull was hot. Almost like I could get a
• 25:06
  Speaker 3: black texture and draw a perfect sort of circle at
• 25:09
  Speaker 3: the front of the back.
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 25:13
  Speaker 3: One bit that was pretty frightening was I just heard
• 25:16
  Speaker 3: one of the doctors. I just heard the word stroke
• 25:19
  Speaker 3: mentioned amongst the madness of this few minutes. Yes, and
• 25:27
  Speaker 3: then have you ever been in an ambulance? Yes? For yourself? Uh? Yeah, yeah,
• 25:37
  Speaker 3: I mean obviously we've all looked in an ambulance. But yeah,
• 25:39
  Speaker 3: so I'm in an ambulance. Siren's going and I thought
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: I'm in big trouble, you know, So I've never had
• 25:47
  Speaker 3: gone through that experience.
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: Can I can I ask just a couple of things. Yeah,
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: so you wake up in the middle of the night,
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: you're in the backyard. Yeah, what are you wearing.
• 26:03
  Speaker 3: A pair of shorts? I think, Yeah, just my pajama shorts.
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and when you did, you have no recollection of
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: going from bed to be standing in the middle of
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: the backyard.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: No hanging out, not hanging up close at three am.
• 26:20
  Speaker 3: No, like I remember being in bed feeling weird, knowing
• 26:23
  Speaker 3: I'm sick, having a bit of a temperature. I might
• 26:27
  Speaker 3: maybe get up and go and get maybe a glass
• 26:29
  Speaker 3: of water or something. I'm not sure and then just
• 26:32
  Speaker 3: standing in the backyard because I was I do remember
• 26:34
  Speaker 3: thinking I'll just go and stand in the backyard because
• 26:36
  Speaker 3: I'm quite hot, you know, like I'm yeah, And then
• 26:40
  Speaker 3: it's obviously from that point on things started going way
• 26:44
  Speaker 3: south in my brain from there, yes, you know, okay,
• 26:47
  Speaker 3: so yeah, so really I can't really go back any
• 26:51
  Speaker 3: further than that for it to make sense. If that
• 26:53
  Speaker 3: makes sense, you know, I right, job done.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: So you're in hospital, six doctors. Maybe he's having a stroke.
• 27:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah are you?
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: Are you terrified?
• 27:06
  Speaker 3: When I heard the word stroke, I got I wasn't
• 27:11
  Speaker 3: in the thick of it, but I thought, I don't
• 27:14
  Speaker 3: I don't do stroke like I like, I'm pretty well
• 27:18
  Speaker 3: reasonably fit, And but I wasn't thinking like that. I
• 27:21
  Speaker 3: just thought. I remember lying there and shutting my eyes
• 27:24
  Speaker 3: and just going, oh no, this is this is going
• 27:27
  Speaker 3: to be a wild ride, you know, and amongst confusion
• 27:31
  Speaker 3: and a lot of doctors asking me things, and then
• 27:33
  Speaker 3: just being in an ambulance, you know, and flying down
• 27:35
  Speaker 3: depending highway with the sirens going, thinking this is like
• 27:39
  Speaker 3: I'm in big trouble here, you know.
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: And where were they taking?
• 27:42
  Speaker 3: You took me to the Alfred whipped me into whether
• 27:47
  Speaker 3: it just like a really distracting like a headache, a
• 27:52
  Speaker 3: weird type headache, and then back into must have been
• 27:56
  Speaker 3: an Alfred emergency, but lots of questions and lots of
• 27:59
  Speaker 3: doctors asking me things I can't remember. I was just
• 28:04
  Speaker 3: living in sort of like chaos in my head. You
• 28:09
  Speaker 3: know that obviously they figured that out quite quickly, and
• 28:13
  Speaker 3: that I was in just like a recovery part of
• 28:16
  Speaker 3: that part of the hospital and had a lumber puncture
• 28:21
  Speaker 3: and I couldn't look at the lights. Lights were just
• 28:23
  Speaker 3: hideously bright. So I remember having a towel lying over
• 28:27
  Speaker 3: my head which I was trying to mop my face with,
• 28:29
  Speaker 3: and a doctor just lifting up this towel saying, oh,
• 28:31
  Speaker 3: you've got swelling of your brain. We're going to do
• 28:35
  Speaker 3: this lumber puncture. And I just I just couldn't get
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: any worse. At the time, I just felt so lost
• 28:41
  Speaker 3: and so helpless. You know, I'm not the first time
• 28:45
  Speaker 3: I thought I'm not invincible. Yeah, you know, I've gone
• 28:50
  Speaker 3: from lying in bed next to my wife, who's amazing,
• 28:55
  Speaker 3: to being in the backyard to being in hospital to
• 28:58
  Speaker 3: being in it like I do this. This is not me,
• 29:02
  Speaker 3: you know what I mean? I had that amongst the
• 29:04
  Speaker 3: chaos of the moment as well, you know, a couple
• 29:08
  Speaker 3: of days, Yeah, infectious disease section.
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: Did they not say to you or Meren, your love
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: your aforementioned lovely wife, that he might die?
• 29:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah, they told her that probably, I think a couple
• 29:25
  Speaker 3: of days in because it just it just goes. It
• 29:29
  Speaker 3: just gets even more intriguing as the days went on,
• 29:31
  Speaker 3: you know. So yeah, it was a couple of days
• 29:35
  Speaker 3: of just being on drips, which was like around the
• 29:38
  Speaker 3: around the clock. It was both arms lying in this
• 29:43
  Speaker 3: bed where it just got really confusing, and I think
• 29:47
  Speaker 3: they were just filling me up full of antibiotics sort
• 29:50
  Speaker 3: of every three hours, and there was I think there
• 29:53
  Speaker 3: was a window there where there was nothing that it
• 29:54
  Speaker 3: was so it was like midnight, three am, six am,
• 29:58
  Speaker 3: nine am, twelve pm, just around the clock. They were
• 30:01
  Speaker 3: just giving me these antibiotics to get rid of the
• 30:05
  Speaker 3: virus that was in my brain.
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: So I could you know, so you had a virus
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: in your brain and your brain was swollen, is that right?
• 30:14
  Speaker 3: I caught a virus called rus v virus yea, and
• 30:19
  Speaker 3: for some reason, my immune system I thought that my
• 30:24
  Speaker 3: brain was the virus. I think the virus attached on
• 30:28
  Speaker 3: the protein in my brain, and then my immune system
• 30:32
  Speaker 3: started attacking the elevated protein that was in my brain,
• 30:35
  Speaker 3: and then everything just started like malfunctioning. You know, all
• 30:38
  Speaker 3: these different crazy symptoms started coming on, a pricks here
• 30:43
  Speaker 3: and just phasier and all these different weird syndromes started
• 30:47
  Speaker 3: kicking in.
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: And you know, because as you said, like you're generally
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: a healthy, fit, strong, you don't smoke, you do like
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: minimal booze physically all day. You train with me in
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: the crab big Nige. Yeah, it must have been like
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: confusing in that You're like, well, how is this me?
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: Because I'm I look after me, But obviously it's it
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: can happen to anyone fit or not.
• 31:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah, totally, I remember lying. I think that first night
• 31:27
  Speaker 3: was the hardest one. I think I was in there.
• 31:30
  Speaker 3: I got in there about one o'clock somewhere along those lines,
• 31:33
  Speaker 3: and then it was just all night and I know
• 31:35
  Speaker 3: Marin left. She walked what about this one? She walked
• 31:38
  Speaker 3: into the room, into my room and looked at me.
• 31:41
  Speaker 3: I had no idea who she was. Wow, Wow, I'm
• 31:45
  Speaker 3: looking at someone that I've spent twenty one years with.
• 31:48
  Speaker 3: And I looked at her like I had never seen her,
• 31:52
  Speaker 3: not like there's there's like there's a woman in the room,
• 31:58
  Speaker 3: or it's another nurse. I was just like she was
• 31:59
  Speaker 3: a complete stranger to me.
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: And like not even like there was like I think
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: I know that ye woman's I can't remember, Yeah, where
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: she fits in?
• 32:11
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And she knew it too, So I think she's
• 32:14
  Speaker 3: just looked at me and she started crying. I can't remember.
• 32:18
  Speaker 3: And because she knew I was just in big trouble,
• 32:21
  Speaker 3: she reckon. I had this look of just blank, like
• 32:23
  Speaker 3: a lot of whatever the death look is. I'm not sure,
• 32:26
  Speaker 3: but I was certainly not at home, you know. Wow.
• 32:30
  Speaker 3: So she left and went nicked off home. Yes, And
• 32:35
  Speaker 3: then I just wrote it out till the next day,
• 32:37
  Speaker 3: and then they took me to another floor where it
• 32:39
  Speaker 3: just even went even more sideways.
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: Now we're jumping around here, but there's no necessary logical sequence.
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: But it's also probably of note to mention that you
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: know that that twenty five year old bloke that rocked
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: up at Harpers all those years ago and was just
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: a lad getting in a few scraps playing professional golf
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: before before that, we didn't mention that it was a
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: professional golfer and a hairdresser and then a personal trainer, but.
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: You were very much just well, it appeared to the
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: world you were just a lad. You were just a
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: blokey bloke.
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: But then over the last decade or so, maybe maybe
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: it's been more, but it wasn't evident publicly. You've kind
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: of opened this spiritual door and you've kind of got
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: one foot in each world a lot of the time,
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: like you and I have.
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: If twenty five year old you and me looked at
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: bloody sixty year old, it wou'd go, what the fuck
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: happened to us? Why are we so weak?
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because you and I spend a lot of time
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: talking about shit that to a lot of people would
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: make no sense.
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: Right, So maybe we'll go down the spiritual rabbit hole
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: a bit at some stage. But was there any kind
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: of weird experiences in there?
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: Any did any kind of spiritual awakening or awareness or
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: psychological fackeray or like, I know, there's one story that
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: I want you to share, but maybe we'll Yeah, where
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: do you want to start?
• 34:22
  Speaker 3: I think I think maybe like one of the things
• 34:26
  Speaker 3: I said to you, like during just the whole experience
• 34:29
  Speaker 3: of like obviously a virus in my system and in
• 34:32
  Speaker 3: my head of all places, and everything's slowly just shutting down,
• 34:38
  Speaker 3: like to be able to just be in quite a
• 34:40
  Speaker 3: small room. And I do remember pulling out the drops
• 34:44
  Speaker 3: out of my arm and going, I'm going to see
• 34:45
  Speaker 3: if I can get up and literally walk maybe six
• 34:47
  Speaker 3: feet and no one's going to see me clearly have
• 34:49
  Speaker 3: no idea what's going on, but sort of like that
• 34:52
  Speaker 3: was and oos like I've obviously taken out the drops
• 34:55
  Speaker 3: in my arm and all the things stuff leeping in
• 35:00
  Speaker 3: the room, saying something's happened to me. And I tried
• 35:04
  Speaker 3: to walk across the room and I couldn't coordinate my
• 35:06
  Speaker 3: left foot on my right hand to actually walk, Like
• 35:09
  Speaker 3: the whole process was just like one, I couldn't believe
• 35:13
  Speaker 3: I could walk. Two I'm frightened, hm hm, Three? Am
• 35:19
  Speaker 3: I going to whatever? And there's a little there's a
• 35:22
  Speaker 3: whole list of them. Am I going to be like
• 35:23
  Speaker 3: this forever? Am I completely done here? So I had
• 35:28
  Speaker 3: all that happening, you know, for that first day, and
• 35:31
  Speaker 3: then the next couple of days was I think I
• 35:35
  Speaker 3: see to you, like having moments where.
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: Having no mind, Yeah, like so you like almost couldn't
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: think like you were.
• 35:48
  Speaker 3: Just like I could think. I could think that, like
• 35:52
  Speaker 3: I need to go to the toilet, and I can
• 35:54
  Speaker 3: open the door, but the process for my mind to
• 35:59
  Speaker 3: get my hand into my body to move to go
• 36:01
  Speaker 3: to open to the door was like something I'd never experienced.
• 36:05
  Speaker 3: It's the first time I'd done it. And during the
• 36:08
  Speaker 3: process of getting out of bed to open the door
• 36:10
  Speaker 3: was like, oh, this is how am I doing this?
• 36:15
  Speaker 3: You know, but still cognitively knowing that I can do it,
• 36:20
  Speaker 3: But every time I did it was like, oh, this
• 36:23
  Speaker 3: is amazing, you know, it's still functioning at the same
• 36:27
  Speaker 3: time to go to the toilet, sitting in the toilet,
• 36:30
  Speaker 3: looking myself in the mirror, and then just like tears
• 36:34
  Speaker 3: coming down my eyes but not knowing why I'm crying,
• 36:38
  Speaker 3: with a little bit of confusion at the same time,
• 36:40
  Speaker 3: and then going back and getting into bed and going,
• 36:43
  Speaker 3: oh that was a trip. You know.
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: Did you think at any stage you were going to die?
• 36:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah? Right?
• 36:51
  Speaker 2: How was that?
• 36:56
  Speaker 3: I think going through that process, I think the process
• 37:00
  Speaker 3: of dying is extremely frightening, but death doesn't frighten me anymore. Yeah,
• 37:11
  Speaker 3: Like having been so out of control and so lost, yeah,
• 37:18
  Speaker 3: and just helpless. But in between there was always this
• 37:23
  Speaker 3: like this really nice calmness about it at the same time,
• 37:26
  Speaker 3: not that I died, but just having no mind. And
• 37:31
  Speaker 3: I think I said to you, just like losing your
• 37:34
  Speaker 3: I am I had no I am that, or like
• 37:39
  Speaker 3: complete natural ego death. Yeah, And then you know, I
• 37:46
  Speaker 3: remember sitting there thinking, I think I might have mentioned
• 37:49
  Speaker 3: to you, like, who are you? In your mind doesn't
• 37:51
  Speaker 3: know who you are? Because I didn't know one one
• 37:54
  Speaker 3: hundred and ten percent. I could look at you in
• 37:55
  Speaker 3: the eye and go, I don't know who I am.
• 37:59
  Speaker 3: And then if my mind doesn't know who I am,
• 38:01
  Speaker 3: who are who am I?
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: You know, yeah, because your mind's the storytelling.
• 38:07
  Speaker 3: He's the guy in there going no, you do this,
• 38:09
  Speaker 3: and you do that, and you might be this, and
• 38:11
  Speaker 3: you're good and you're bad and just this. You know,
• 38:14
  Speaker 3: this wheel at spinning you around. When that you can't
• 38:17
  Speaker 3: go there for any answers because those those answers that
• 38:20
  Speaker 3: I went for at the time and the think of
• 38:22
  Speaker 3: it were the ones I didn't want to hear. Yeah,
• 38:25
  Speaker 3: they were the wrong answers. I couldn't rely on it.
• 38:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And when your mind's offline, because your mind tells
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: you who you are and who you're not. Yeah, when
• 38:35
  Speaker 2: your mind's not there to do that. But you know,
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: well I'm still here, yeah, but I don't have my
• 38:42
  Speaker 2: mind telling me what to do or who I am.
• 38:44
  Speaker 2: But I'm still here. So now in this non mind
• 38:48
  Speaker 2: space of just consciousness and awareness right without the brain interfering.
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, like who am I was?
• 38:57
  Speaker 2: That?
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: Was there any revelation or insight that you've taken away
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: from that?
• 39:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's taken awhile. I mean this sort of happened
• 39:09
  Speaker 3: what's seven six or seven months ago, so it's still
• 39:12
  Speaker 3: pre it's around. Yeah, I'm certainly not going to let
• 39:15
  Speaker 3: it go.
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: Did it change the way that you see yourself and
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: see life?
• 39:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah? Now yeah yeah yeah, a lot more patients with things,
• 39:27
  Speaker 3: just being really patient, just really hearing people, I think,
• 39:35
  Speaker 3: really listening to people. But in the moment when I
• 39:39
  Speaker 3: was there, like I had nothing to rely on, so
• 39:41
  Speaker 3: it was like I did ask myself the question like
• 39:45
  Speaker 3: who am I right now? You know, and the only
• 39:48
  Speaker 3: way for me to get around it was just really
• 39:52
  Speaker 3: just become I think I've meant to someone just my
• 39:55
  Speaker 3: own best friend. Wow, wow, dude, that is so nice.
• 40:01
  Speaker 3: I just had to become my own best friend and
• 40:04
  Speaker 3: go so far in myself. But because physically I couldn't walk,
• 40:11
  Speaker 3: I was lost. Emotionally, I was all over the place.
• 40:14
  Speaker 3: I had no pre attachment to anything that had happened
• 40:18
  Speaker 3: in the past. Yeah. So for me the time, that
• 40:22
  Speaker 3: was like I could have gone down the depression path
• 40:26
  Speaker 3: that was gone. Yeah, but I could have gone into
• 40:32
  Speaker 3: the wad if world and gone, maybe this that might happen,
• 40:36
  Speaker 3: Like I said earlier, like this might happen, that might happen.
• 40:38
  Speaker 3: What am I going to do if I can't do this?
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 40:41
  Speaker 3: What about Maren? What about people in my life? What
• 40:45
  Speaker 3: about you know, the three children in my life that
• 40:49
  Speaker 3: are our adults? Like what about my mom? But I
• 40:52
  Speaker 3: couldn't get into that world. I had to just bring
• 40:54
  Speaker 3: myself back to myself, back to my heart, back to
• 40:57
  Speaker 3: my soul.
• 40:58
  Speaker 2: It's almost like start with a blank canvas, like a
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: blank canvas of the mind or the self or the
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: awareness or the and because you can't remember stuff or relates.
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: To stuff in the past, and you're just like, well
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: here I am now. Yeah.
• 41:17
  Speaker 2: I wonder how much of our our own self assigned
• 41:24
  Speaker 2: identity keeps us trapped in shit. You know, I have this,
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: I can't do that. I'm no, I'm not the no
• 41:36
  Speaker 2: I'm the responsible one.
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: I can't do that.
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: Or I'm the smart one, so I need to look smart,
• 41:40
  Speaker 2: or I'm the whatever you like, all of these labels
• 41:44
  Speaker 2: and this kind of pressure that we put on ourselves
• 41:47
  Speaker 2: to be this version of this person for the world,
• 41:51
  Speaker 2: and then when you're in a state where you don't
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: know who the fuck that is, you don't remember that anymore,
• 41:56
  Speaker 2: you have no attachment to that anymore.
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: That kind of it's a bit exciting and a bit terrifying.
• 42:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah, some parts frightening, some parts that are exciting, in
• 42:06
  Speaker 3: some parts that you know, do keep me awake at night.
• 42:09
  Speaker 3: But I just had to really rely on Obviously I
• 42:13
  Speaker 3: couldn't rely on my brain, yeah, because that's just clocked
• 42:17
  Speaker 3: off sort of bits and pieces. But as the days
• 42:19
  Speaker 3: went on, it started coming and going and I could go, Okay,
• 42:24
  Speaker 3: this is what's happening or you know that, because at
• 42:27
  Speaker 3: one point there I didn't know where I was. I
• 42:29
  Speaker 3: remember in the blinds on the day and if you
• 42:31
  Speaker 3: said to me, hey, mate, you're in Perth, I'd be like, okay,
• 42:36
  Speaker 3: I had I couldn't. I figured it out now. I
• 42:39
  Speaker 3: was actually looking down and killed the road. I was
• 42:41
  Speaker 3: in the Alfred over that period of time I was there. Yeah,
• 42:46
  Speaker 3: I said, I don't know where I am. I thought
• 42:48
  Speaker 3: I was in a hotel. I don't know who I am,
• 42:51
  Speaker 3: sort of, I'm coming back in and out of reality
• 42:56
  Speaker 3: who I thought I was. I'm not sure who I am,
• 43:00
  Speaker 3: you know. So the only way I could navigate was
• 43:04
  Speaker 3: to just be the experience. I just had to become
• 43:08
  Speaker 3: the experience of it all. Wow.
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: So there's all of this stuff that we know, right
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: or we think that we know.
• 43:17
  Speaker 2: So me right now, hopefully in a relatively healthy, functional,
• 43:21
  Speaker 2: operational state, and so you know stuff you know that
• 43:27
  Speaker 2: you know, this is how the world works in my
• 43:29
  Speaker 2: mind anyway, and business works, and people and relationships and
• 43:32
  Speaker 2: communication and problem solving and this is good and this
• 43:36
  Speaker 2: is bad, and this is funny and this is inappropriate.
• 43:39
  Speaker 2: And that's Christian and he does that, and that's the
• 43:42
  Speaker 2: crab and he does that, and that's mum, and Mum's
• 43:45
  Speaker 2: like this.
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: And so there's all this knowledge that you've acquired either
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: through experience doing stuff or for some people in an
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: academic environment or watching videos or reading books, Like there's
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: all this acquired accumulated.
• 44:00
  Speaker 2: Knowledge now for you in the moment. Then when you're
• 44:04
  Speaker 2: talking about all that's kind of gone. It was all
• 44:08
  Speaker 2: that previous knowledge and understanding and recorded data and shit, right,
• 44:13
  Speaker 2: that's gone.
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: What I'm fascinated with, and I know you are too.
• 44:19
  Speaker 2: I don't even know where I want to go with this,
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: but the stuff that we know that we've never been taught,
• 44:25
  Speaker 2: like that intuitive knowledge or wisdom that doesn't come from us,
• 44:32
  Speaker 2: It comes from somewhere else. It's like I can tell
• 44:35
  Speaker 2: you stuff, but like that's literally stored in my cognitive
• 44:38
  Speaker 2: hard drive because I've just read something and remembered it.
• 44:41
  Speaker 2: Now I'm spewing it out to you, but it's not
• 44:44
  Speaker 2: original thought. But then there are those other times when
• 44:47
  Speaker 2: you're kind of like you perhaps out of your mind,
• 44:51
  Speaker 2: like in your case quite literally, but there's still like
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: a knowledge and an awareness and a knowing and a
• 44:58
  Speaker 2: wisdom that exists anyway.
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, does that make any sense?
• 45:04
  Speaker 2: Like tapping tapping into something bigger than school or media
• 45:08
  Speaker 2: or social media or mainstream knowledge. Tapping into that other
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: fucking space place dimension where there's all this beauty and
• 45:17
  Speaker 2: wisdom to be discovered and explored.
• 45:20
  Speaker 3: I think it will get shown to you the deeper
• 45:25
  Speaker 3: and the more suffering that you come across. Wow, you know,
• 45:36
  Speaker 3: I didn't know that. I didn't. I mean, I've obviously
• 45:39
  Speaker 3: read a few books and that space interests me. But
• 45:42
  Speaker 3: I thought the worst it gets for me, yes, in
• 45:45
  Speaker 3: my head, the more it will open me up to
• 45:49
  Speaker 3: other parts of myself that I sort in you existed,
• 45:53
  Speaker 3: but now they exist in a bigger and brighter version.
• 45:58
  Speaker 2: Now, tell us about the time you got in trouble
• 46:00
  Speaker 2: because they thought you got out of bed and been
• 46:04
  Speaker 2: physically to visit another patient because you weren't allowed to
• 46:07
  Speaker 2: get out of your bed.
• 46:08
  Speaker 1: You definitely weren't allowed to.
• 46:09
  Speaker 2: Walk through the ward and interact with other patients, right,
• 46:13
  Speaker 2: so you got in trouble or they kind of they
• 46:17
  Speaker 2: were kind of reprimanding you.
• 46:20
  Speaker 1: What happened? Tell us about that meeting that other person.
• 46:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, sort of day three, maybe day four, and I
• 46:30
  Speaker 3: was sort of I was I reckon through the whole experience,
• 46:34
  Speaker 3: Like I fell off my perch just so quickly. That
• 46:38
  Speaker 3: was one of the other things that was So I
• 46:39
  Speaker 3: wasn't warmed up for any part of it, Like, wasn't
• 46:43
  Speaker 3: like you know you said, we talked about it before, like, oh,
• 46:46
  Speaker 3: you've got the flu. You know you can if there's
• 46:48
  Speaker 3: no one around, you can manage to get to the
• 46:50
  Speaker 3: to the to the chemist to get some medication, or
• 46:52
  Speaker 3: you might be able to have a shower to do something.
• 46:55
  Speaker 3: I just went in with just I didn't know what
• 47:00
  Speaker 3: was going on, and I went straight down to the
• 47:02
  Speaker 3: depths so quickly and so fast.
• 47:05
  Speaker 2: We just had a little micro break everyone that you
• 47:07
  Speaker 2: didn't know about. And interestingly, I asked Christian a question
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: which I'll re ask but you kind of lost your
• 47:16
  Speaker 2: way for a moment there, and you just shared with
• 47:19
  Speaker 2: me that, like your brain is still kind of ten
• 47:22
  Speaker 2: twenty percent slower, and sometimes you just need to hit
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: the pause button for a minute just for everything to
• 47:29
  Speaker 2: catch up so you can reboot or I don't know,
• 47:31
  Speaker 2: explain that, explain what just happened.
• 47:35
  Speaker 3: Just a tiny little bit of confusion does kick in,
• 47:38
  Speaker 3: like recalling things and bringing things up, and I have
• 47:44
  Speaker 3: to recall stuff. I have to sort of use all
• 47:47
  Speaker 3: that stuff that's happening in the back of my brain
• 47:49
  Speaker 3: that I don't know about, which happens to everybody probably
• 47:52
  Speaker 3: every day, but for me, there's this little this lit
• 47:55
  Speaker 3: hole I fall in where I just have to go
• 47:58
  Speaker 3: stop and then I can reboot quickly. But those gaps
• 48:04
  Speaker 3: are getting smaller, which is a good thing. You know,
• 48:06
  Speaker 3: they used to be you know. I have to just
• 48:09
  Speaker 3: sometimes have a sleep or just check out and turn
• 48:13
  Speaker 3: things off. But I'm good, I'm back. I'm back on it.
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: Well are you good? You know, what's interesting is and
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: then we'll get back to that. We'll get back to
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: that question. But what's interesting is.
• 48:23
  Speaker 2: Like your brain in terms of you know, processing speed
• 48:27
  Speaker 2: or recalling stuff or whatever. It's maybe a bit like
• 48:31
  Speaker 2: your intelligence is the same, but all you like data
• 48:35
  Speaker 2: processing and recall and it's maybe a bit slower than
• 48:37
  Speaker 2: it was. But I can't remember what I said to you.
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: Yes I can.
• 48:45
  Speaker 2: I said to you were upstairs at the gym, yeah,
• 48:48
  Speaker 2: And I hadn't seen you for a few days and
• 48:49
  Speaker 2: I saw you went how's your brain mate? And you went, ah,
• 48:52
  Speaker 2: you know, something like getting better. But it's still a
• 48:55
  Speaker 2: bit fuck. But I go, you're right with that, He goes,
• 48:57
  Speaker 2: I don't care. I don't care, because like worrying about
• 49:02
  Speaker 2: it doesn't fix it. But also you seem strangely I
• 49:07
  Speaker 2: wouldn't say it happier, I would say, calmer, you know,
• 49:10
  Speaker 2: maybe happy too, But you just seem very okay with everything,
• 49:15
  Speaker 2: like very like. You don't seem not since i've you know,
• 49:20
  Speaker 2: not the last few months that I've seen. You don't
• 49:22
  Speaker 2: seem stressed or anxious. You seem like you know what's
• 49:27
  Speaker 2: going on. Some of it's not great, it's getting better.
• 49:31
  Speaker 2: But whatever is is and you're okay with that.
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: Is that is that accurate?
• 49:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, it's just it is. It is what it is.
• 49:40
  Speaker 3: And as long as I'm just aware of all that,
• 49:44
  Speaker 3: you know, and.
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: You're not wasting energy on shit, you can't change.
• 49:49
  Speaker 3: No, not at all, not at all all, Right. I
• 49:55
  Speaker 3: think when you see that space and you get and
• 49:58
  Speaker 3: you go down that that rabbit hole to those places
• 50:01
  Speaker 3: where you're so helpful, helpless and so lost, and yes,
• 50:05
  Speaker 3: I mean it doesn't well it doesn't matter, but it
• 50:07
  Speaker 3: doesn't matter, if you know what I mean. It's like
• 50:10
  Speaker 3: a reset. It's like a big recept someone's gone click click.
• 50:14
  Speaker 3: There's a reset on your brain and how you see
• 50:17
  Speaker 3: the world and off we go, you know, but it
• 50:20
  Speaker 3: might take time to you know, obviously explain it properly,
• 50:23
  Speaker 3: and but it's working itself out in a nice way.
• 50:27
  Speaker 3: I think I'm a working project, is what I've been
• 50:29
  Speaker 3: told by my own wife, Mirren.
• 50:32
  Speaker 1: Yes you are, and you are a so asked you.
• 50:36
  Speaker 3: Yes, I've got it. Do you want to know the question?
• 50:38
  Speaker 3: I'm back on fucking hell? How quick was that?
• 50:41
  Speaker 1: Fucking hell?
• 50:42
  Speaker 3: It's this is?
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: Do you know what I like this? Yeah? I have
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: and share I'm different. What's funny?
• 50:48
  Speaker 2: Everyone is in real time Christians sharper and then less sharp,
• 50:53
  Speaker 2: and then sharper and then forget something. Then is like
• 50:56
  Speaker 2: a genius for five minutes. It's like it's it's like
• 51:00
  Speaker 2: I don't know who I'm going to get, but I
• 51:02
  Speaker 2: fucking love it. All right, So you were gonna tell us.
• 51:05
  Speaker 3: I've just parked the broomstick. I'm back, Yeah, yeah, all right,
• 51:09
  Speaker 3: you're back. I'm out of the genie bottle. So, lying
• 51:14
  Speaker 3: in bed, I can't remember, sort of three or four
• 51:16
  Speaker 3: days in and there was this woman in another room,
• 51:20
  Speaker 3: I think over to the right. I'm not sure because
• 51:23
  Speaker 3: my I was in bed and I could only just
• 51:26
  Speaker 3: open the door slightly. On the right hand side of
• 51:28
  Speaker 3: my room was the nurse's station. Yeah, there was someone
• 51:31
  Speaker 3: there all the time. Obviously, doing the handovers and new
• 51:35
  Speaker 3: nurses coming and going during the During the night, my
• 51:39
  Speaker 3: only thing I could see was a toilet door, and
• 51:42
  Speaker 3: I could just hear noises, and to the right of
• 51:44
  Speaker 3: me was another corridor and there was a woman down
• 51:47
  Speaker 3: there in absolute terror, like screaming, like really frightened. And
• 51:55
  Speaker 3: I was coming better, right, I was, is that right?
• 52:00
  Speaker 3: Coming getting better? And I was just really really concerned
• 52:04
  Speaker 3: about her well being. Like I thought, if she has
• 52:07
  Speaker 3: experienced something like I have, or she's in the thick
• 52:10
  Speaker 3: of it, I get why she's screaming like that. I
• 52:12
  Speaker 3: could so easily maybe have done that and she would
• 52:19
  Speaker 3: start and stop, you know, and I'd be sort of
• 52:21
  Speaker 3: maybe five or ten minutes, but it seemed like hours
• 52:23
  Speaker 3: because it was just so I've just felt so I
• 52:30
  Speaker 3: was so concerned for her, and I thought to myself, well,
• 52:33
  Speaker 3: I'm in hospital, I'm in the Alfred. I'm sure she's
• 52:35
  Speaker 3: been taken care of. But it was like I was
• 52:37
  Speaker 3: talking to her in her frightened state. Yes, like I
• 52:41
  Speaker 3: just picked up on her if it's the right word,
• 52:45
  Speaker 3: her frightenedness or her terror, you know.
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: I was, yeah, I want like her energy as well.
• 52:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, because I wasn't a lawed out of my room.
• 52:54
  Speaker 3: I could sort of stagger around a bit and make
• 52:56
  Speaker 3: myself to get myself to the bathroom. And I didn't
• 53:00
  Speaker 3: know exactly what room she was in, and I wanted
• 53:04
  Speaker 3: to go and check on her. And it wasn't during
• 53:05
  Speaker 3: the middle of the night, wasn't at three am in
• 53:07
  Speaker 3: the morning. It was maybe after dinner when I was
• 53:12
  Speaker 3: getting at the end of getting filled up full of antibiotics.
• 53:17
  Speaker 3: And I remember just thinking to myself, I'm in day
• 53:20
  Speaker 3: three or day four here, I just have to really
• 53:23
  Speaker 3: quiet myself right down here, same places, go so deep,
• 53:27
  Speaker 3: deep deep inside myself and just be really quiet, and
• 53:32
  Speaker 3: like I said, just become my own best friend and
• 53:35
  Speaker 3: get out of this madness and concentrate purely on the
• 53:41
  Speaker 3: rhythm of my heart and the rhythm of my breath
• 53:44
  Speaker 3: and get them just in sync. I'mout doing that, And
• 53:52
  Speaker 3: a nurse came in and I said to her, what's
• 53:56
  Speaker 3: going on with that girl in the next room, which
• 53:57
  Speaker 3: she said, well, obviously you can't find out because that's
• 54:00
  Speaker 3: client confidentiality. She's a patient and I can't tell you.
• 54:03
  Speaker 3: I said, she okay, she said, yep, we're looking after her.
• 54:07
  Speaker 3: I said what's her name or where is she? And
• 54:10
  Speaker 3: just said, I can't tell you that. At some point
• 54:13
  Speaker 3: after she left in the evening, I left my body,
• 54:20
  Speaker 3: or the energy of myself left my body, and I
• 54:24
  Speaker 3: traveled down and I found out her name was Jane,
• 54:27
  Speaker 3: and I found out that she was wearing pink scrubs
• 54:30
  Speaker 3: and she wanted.
• 54:31
  Speaker 1: To keep them in pajamas or scrubs pajamas. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 54:38
  Speaker 3: Came back to bed the next day she was gone,
• 54:43
  Speaker 3: and the lady came in and I said something along
• 54:46
  Speaker 3: the lines of that lady in the corridor, Jane, is
• 54:50
  Speaker 3: she okay? Because she was really upset about her pink pajamas?
• 54:54
  Speaker 3: And the nurse said, who told you that? And looked
• 54:57
  Speaker 3: at me sort of with you know, big bug eyes.
• 55:01
  Speaker 3: She said, we're not allowed to talk about that. Who
• 55:03
  Speaker 3: was a nurse that mentioned that to you? So I
• 55:05
  Speaker 3: said no one, and she said, oh, we often hear
• 55:08
  Speaker 3: stories like that, And that was the end of the conversation.
• 55:11
  Speaker 3: But I couldn't follow up, but something so.
• 55:15
  Speaker 2: You actually never saw her physically, or not her physically,
• 55:20
  Speaker 2: but you went to her room somehow and I saw her.
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: Did you chat with her in this?
• 55:28
  Speaker 3: I just picked up on the energy and I knew
• 55:31
  Speaker 3: there was a plastic bag or there was something on
• 55:33
  Speaker 3: her room in her room that said Jane, this is Jane,
• 55:39
  Speaker 3: or my name is Jane on the plastic bag. She
• 55:42
  Speaker 3: was being moved the next day. Yeah, so somehow I've
• 55:48
  Speaker 3: gone down. Did that freak the nurses out? She's one
• 55:52
  Speaker 3: of the women. One of the women there said that
• 55:54
  Speaker 3: this is not uncommon. But the conversation was pretty cut
• 55:58
  Speaker 3: and dried. You know, it was sort of like I'm
• 56:00
  Speaker 3: hearing out, but let's not talk about it, you know
• 56:04
  Speaker 3: what I mean?
• 56:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I believe you, but we can't explore it.
• 56:08
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, And you know, she was leaning too. She
• 56:11
  Speaker 3: was leaning into me, saying, yeah, her name was Jade,
• 56:14
  Speaker 3: and she was upset about her pajamas sort of, you know.
• 56:17
  Speaker 3: And I can do in the I that one hundred
• 56:19
  Speaker 3: set because I had nowhere to go other than truly
• 56:24
  Speaker 3: deeply inside myself to just cope with the moment and
• 56:28
  Speaker 3: her being in such terror and being so frightened.
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well that's I mean, that's compassion and empathy from you,
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: isn't it. And concern? Yeah, that is that is bloody interesting.
• 56:44
  Speaker 2: I want to jump around a little bit because we've
• 56:45
  Speaker 2: probably got I don't know, ten minutes, but we can
• 56:48
  Speaker 2: always do another one.
• 56:52
  Speaker 1: I remember Maren.
• 56:55
  Speaker 2: I don't know if this is a good next step,
• 56:57
  Speaker 2: but it doesn't matter. I remember Maren's to me or
• 57:00
  Speaker 2: telling me often how she would come out in the
• 57:03
  Speaker 2: middle of the night and you'd be sitting out the
• 57:07
  Speaker 2: front on the balcony or in the backyard or wherever,
• 57:11
  Speaker 2: and you'd be all by yourself, be the middle of
• 57:13
  Speaker 2: the night, be quiet, be dark, and you'd be just
• 57:17
  Speaker 2: like staring at the sky with tears coming down your face.
• 57:21
  Speaker 2: Do you recall any of these?
• 57:23
  Speaker 1: Like is that true? Firstly?
• 57:25
  Speaker 3: Yeah?
• 57:27
  Speaker 1: What's what's that about? What's that about? What's that about?
• 57:32
  Speaker 3: Almost like the same space that I witnessed when I
• 57:34
  Speaker 3: had no mind, you know, when I was in the
• 57:37
  Speaker 3: thick of those something just not something takes me out
• 57:42
  Speaker 3: of my bed sometimes not all the time, doesn't happen
• 57:45
  Speaker 3: every week happens maybe I don't know. I haven't done
• 57:48
  Speaker 3: it for a while, but I was doing it a
• 57:50
  Speaker 3: lot there for.
• 57:52
  Speaker 1: So this is before before hospital, though, wasn't it.
• 57:55
  Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, Like I'd get up and something would be off,
• 57:58
  Speaker 3: wasn't like, you know, there's a four learn or you know,
• 58:02
  Speaker 3: I'm not that weird, but something would make me get
• 58:04
  Speaker 3: up in the middle of the night and I'd go
• 58:05
  Speaker 3: outside and I'd be not crying in tears, but I'd
• 58:08
  Speaker 3: be crying in I'd have tears running around my eyes
• 58:13
  Speaker 3: because I was just so connected to something that was
• 58:16
  Speaker 3: not myself.
• 58:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and for somebody who maybe struggled with connection in
• 58:23
  Speaker 2: some ways when you were younger, was it rel although
• 58:28
  Speaker 2: you were pretty good socially, but maybe it was a
• 58:30
  Speaker 2: kind of connection that you needed.
• 58:34
  Speaker 3: I think something along those lines, Like, you know, people
• 58:37
  Speaker 3: that have obviously those learning and difficulties or cognitive things
• 58:41
  Speaker 3: or hearing stuff or it's not diagnosed properly. Not that
• 58:46
  Speaker 3: it really hindered me that much because I felt other
• 58:48
  Speaker 3: ways to adapt, but maybe that little switch was switched off,
• 58:53
  Speaker 3: you know, and when the time was right, I could
• 58:57
  Speaker 3: just go outside and just be really super connected. What
• 59:00
  Speaker 3: was in hospital? You know?
• 59:02
  Speaker 2: Now I know that you wrote something which is for
• 59:05
  Speaker 2: the dyslexic not an easy task. Is like, since all
• 59:14
  Speaker 2: this journey has kind of like even pre your what
• 59:18
  Speaker 2: do we call it event yep, like I've started to
• 59:23
  Speaker 2: I mean, I've noticed a big shift in you in
• 59:25
  Speaker 2: the last ten years, and I feel like you're getting
• 59:28
  Speaker 2: you're both simultaneously being pulled but also pursuing, you know,
• 59:33
  Speaker 2: this whatever else there is there beyond what we know
• 59:35
  Speaker 2: or what we humans think we know, you know, beyond
• 59:39
  Speaker 2: what we call normal or logical or scientific or you know.
• 59:44
  Speaker 2: I feel like you've opened that door and you haven't
• 59:46
  Speaker 2: walked through it, You've like sprinted through it.
• 59:48
  Speaker 3: And I know you've.
• 59:50
  Speaker 2: You've kind of been doing your own n equals one.
• 59:55
  Speaker 2: Christian is the researcher, and Christian is also the subject.
• 59:59
  Speaker 3: Of the re.
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, tell me a little bit about that, or actually, yes,
• 1:00:06
  Speaker 2: can you share if you're comfortable with that thing that
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 2: you sent me before that you wrote, yeah, all right,
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 2: and this is about when you're in hospital.
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 3: When I was in the hospital probably day four. I
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 3: can't remember that. I'm just saying after a period of time.
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 3: But the other bit too, which is interesting, was I
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 3: went and had an MRI and I sort of wanted
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 3: to find out the results what was going on. And
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 3: then I do remember lying in being the doctor comes
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 3: back and goes, oh, yeah, we've got results from me MRI. Yeah,
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 3: Christian shows signed that he's had a stroke. I'm on
• 1:00:45
  Speaker 3: top of this, and she sort of went off to
• 1:00:48
  Speaker 3: do something else and said, I'll be back and I'll explain.
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 3: So I do remember being lying there in the thinking
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 3: I was sort of getting a little bit better coming
• 1:00:56
  Speaker 3: out of that and just going on, by the way,
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 3: and a black dot the size of your thumbnail on
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 3: your brain. But you got you know, you don't need
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 3: to worry about that. So that's that was another thing
• 1:01:05
  Speaker 3: that you know, sort of it was a bit of
• 1:01:08
  Speaker 3: a kickup the bump. Thanks for telling me that.
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 1: So that happened, but not at this time that that
• 1:01:13
  Speaker 1: was a past event that you did know about it.
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 3: I didn't know at all, Like they picked it up
• 1:01:18
  Speaker 3: at some point in my fifty seven years, you know,
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 3: but dropping that in in the thick of this too.
• 1:01:25
  Speaker 3: At the same time, I'm like, all right, now, what's
• 1:01:30
  Speaker 3: what's next. But it's fine, you know.
• 1:01:33
  Speaker 1: All right, let's have a read, let's let's have a listen,
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 1: all right.
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 3: So I just made I did just sort of point form,
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 3: you know, while I was in and then I just
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 3: added a little bits into it. So I wrote brain
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 3: turns off. I was living in complete chaos and the
• 1:01:50
  Speaker 3: pain of a draining headache. I had to surrender to
• 1:01:54
  Speaker 3: the outcome of this almost madness state. My interested, inquisitive
• 1:01:59
  Speaker 3: mind in that moment fired up because there was absolutely
• 1:02:03
  Speaker 3: no time I was like, this is a trip. I
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 3: couldn't comprehend what this reilm was that I was witnessing.
• 1:02:11
  Speaker 3: As I staggered across the room, trying desperately to walk.
• 1:02:15
  Speaker 3: I had no memory of my past life at all.
• 1:02:18
  Speaker 3: I had no recall of it. Who was I when
• 1:02:20
  Speaker 3: my brain didn't know either. I remember watching one of
• 1:02:24
  Speaker 3: the many doctors standing there with his hands on his hip,
• 1:02:28
  Speaker 3: scratching his head with a look of confusion. Later that evening,
• 1:02:32
  Speaker 3: I blended into the flow of my energy like a wave.
• 1:02:36
  Speaker 3: I felt so lost that evening I traveled down the
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 3: hall to check on a deeply distressed patient, screaming, sitting
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 3: in pink hospital scrubs, no mention, sorry, no emotions connected
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 3: to do anything other than her well being. I had
• 1:02:54
  Speaker 3: moments of super super stillness. My consciousness was different from
• 1:02:58
  Speaker 3: the one I had before. I really still me because
• 1:03:01
  Speaker 3: I had no organized emotions or thought how could I
• 1:03:07
  Speaker 3: be be a Christian? Because I had no attachment to
• 1:03:09
  Speaker 3: that person's thoughts or emotions as well? That I am
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 3: was completely dissolved. I was no longer living in this
• 1:03:16
  Speaker 3: everyday confusing world. I was like existing in a remote place,
• 1:03:21
  Speaker 3: far off in the distance or just above myself. I
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 3: had to come back, and you come back with a
• 1:03:28
  Speaker 3: new perspective on life instead of doing conscious things. It's
• 1:03:32
  Speaker 3: bleeding with consciousness itself in many, many ways. There's moments
• 1:03:37
  Speaker 3: of deep silence, not that I'm not thinking. I have
• 1:03:41
  Speaker 3: lots of visual imagery first, and my brain kicks in
• 1:03:44
  Speaker 3: and I'm finding also that I burned off a lot
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 3: of mental energy trying to come to terms with the
• 1:03:49
  Speaker 3: present moment, all of the process processes that are involved.
• 1:03:54
  Speaker 3: When I become more function functional, my mind slowly becomes
• 1:03:58
  Speaker 3: more wanting to explore. I must be careful here. It
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 3: can become confusing, almost like my brain is on the string.
• 1:04:06
  Speaker 3: I'm staying out of my own way without too many thoughts,
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 3: being totally out of control of what was happening and
• 1:04:13
  Speaker 3: totally in charge of new thought patterns is very powerful.
• 1:04:16
  Speaker 3: In a place of power, the only way to the
• 1:04:19
  Speaker 3: only way is to surrender to the outcome. Pride or
• 1:04:23
  Speaker 3: low posterior something shut down. Along with many other brain systems,
• 1:04:27
  Speaker 3: there was a mystical experience. I definitely witness different forms
• 1:04:31
  Speaker 3: of reality. The best heelers are sunshine, water, air, sleep, laughter, nutrition, love, exercise,
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 3: time alone, listening, and having no judgment. And I'm sure
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 3: there is more.
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 1: Oh, dude, that is so good?
• 1:04:48
  Speaker 3: Hows that go?
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 1: That almost makes me cry? It's a good thing. I'm
• 1:04:52
  Speaker 1: an alpha male that has no feelings.
• 1:04:55
  Speaker 3: No, sorry, I do when there's a lot of words
• 1:04:57
  Speaker 3: and a lot of essays and a lot of you know,
• 1:05:00
  Speaker 3: sort of bleaning. But I think I scraped through on
• 1:05:02
  Speaker 3: that one.
• 1:05:03
  Speaker 1: No, you did well, man, that was good. That was beautiful.
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 1: What do you think happens when we die?
• 1:05:13
  Speaker 3: Good questions? I wish I knew. I didn't have any
• 1:05:15
  Speaker 3: answer to that.
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 1: Do you think do you think we die? Do you
• 1:05:20
  Speaker 1: think we cease to exist? Or do we carry on?
• 1:05:25
  Speaker 2: And again everyone, of course, we don't know the answer
• 1:05:28
  Speaker 2: to this, so we're not we're not trying to educate
• 1:05:31
  Speaker 2: your point you in a direction.
• 1:05:33
  Speaker 3: I listened to us a lot. We know stuff.
• 1:05:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, like I know that you're
• 1:05:38
  Speaker 1: not scared of you have no fear of death? Am
• 1:05:41
  Speaker 1: I correct?
• 1:05:42
  Speaker 3: No, not at all?
• 1:05:44
  Speaker 1: And why is that?
• 1:05:50
  Speaker 3: Like I said before, I think the process is extremely frightening,
• 1:05:53
  Speaker 3: the process of dying, you know, but I think it's
• 1:06:00
  Speaker 3: it's something I was sort of in a weird way
• 1:06:02
  Speaker 3: look forward to. You know. Well, I don't mean it
• 1:06:05
  Speaker 3: like that, but you know what I mean. It doesn't
• 1:06:08
  Speaker 3: I don't lie awake and I'm not frightened going I'm
• 1:06:10
  Speaker 3: going to die. We're all going to die. But having
• 1:06:13
  Speaker 3: those those experiences, I think it does make that transition
• 1:06:17
  Speaker 3: a little bit easier because I was obviously went through
• 1:06:20
  Speaker 3: being extremely frightened, you know, and my ego or ripped
• 1:06:25
  Speaker 3: out of me so fast and all those emotions. But
• 1:06:29
  Speaker 3: in the moments when I have to go in and
• 1:06:32
  Speaker 3: like I said, just really trust my own instincts and
• 1:06:37
  Speaker 3: fall back into my who I thought I was, it
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 3: was quite peaceful, you know. Yeah.
• 1:06:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, let's update too. And there's still lots more
• 1:06:47
  Speaker 2: to unpack, which we might at another date. If by
• 1:06:50
  Speaker 2: the way, everyone, if you like this chat with Christian
• 1:06:53
  Speaker 2: and you'd like to and I one hundred percent acknowledge
• 1:06:57
  Speaker 2: it's not the most polished or but it doesn't matter.
• 1:07:00
  Speaker 2: I just love this chat. And it's not meant to
• 1:07:03
  Speaker 2: be educational. It's not meant to be anything other than
• 1:07:06
  Speaker 2: hopefully something that's of interest to some of you.
• 1:07:10
  Speaker 3: Let us know.
• 1:07:11
  Speaker 2: Just go to your project Facebook page and let us
• 1:07:13
  Speaker 2: know your thoughts. Obviously, when this goes up, there'll be
• 1:07:16
  Speaker 2: a little kind of primo up there for it. But
• 1:07:18
  Speaker 2: I'd love to know what you think about this. So
• 1:07:22
  Speaker 2: where do you sit now?
• 1:07:23
  Speaker 1: Like how do you fit?
• 1:07:26
  Speaker 2: Like do you think you have out of this more
• 1:07:30
  Speaker 2: clarity about what you should do or shouldn't do, or
• 1:07:33
  Speaker 2: how you should be or live or what's the takeaways
• 1:07:39
  Speaker 2: from what you've been through and what you're going through.
• 1:07:43
  Speaker 3: Takeaways would be I think helping people, you know, like
• 1:07:53
  Speaker 3: helping people we mentioned it before that have been through
• 1:07:55
  Speaker 3: something like this, being there for people and just listening
• 1:07:58
  Speaker 3: to people's you know, whether they've had an experience like
• 1:08:02
  Speaker 3: this or worse. You know, I'm lucky, I'm super lucky,
• 1:08:06
  Speaker 3: you know. I think that would be And clearly, like
• 1:08:10
  Speaker 3: I said, the perform and I'm no I'm no psychologist
• 1:08:14
  Speaker 3: or I'm no counselor, but if I could be of
• 1:08:16
  Speaker 3: service to people that have had something traumatic happen to them,
• 1:08:20
  Speaker 3: I'm putting my hand up, you know, yeah, reach out
• 1:08:23
  Speaker 3: and so.
• 1:08:25
  Speaker 1: Well, if you want to connect with Christian.
• 1:08:28
  Speaker 3: How do we do this?
• 1:08:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, your email that's going to cut all
• 1:08:37
  Speaker 2: the middle men down. What's your email?
• 1:08:40
  Speaker 3: It's Christian race.
• 1:08:43
  Speaker 1: All one word Christian c HR Christian.
• 1:08:46
  Speaker 3: Race r A Christian Race r A c E as
• 1:08:51
  Speaker 3: in Running Race sixty eight the year I was born
• 1:08:55
  Speaker 3: at gmail dot com perfect so needs a needs a
• 1:09:01
  Speaker 3: cup of coffee? You're a cup of tea or you know,
• 1:09:03
  Speaker 3: wants to big wings around here. I'm here to do it.
• 1:09:08
  Speaker 2: That's nice, mate, Or maybe a zoom call. I know
• 1:09:11
  Speaker 2: you don't love tech, but you're doing it right now
• 1:09:13
  Speaker 2: and you're doing a good job. Some people might be
• 1:09:15
  Speaker 2: in another state. Yeah, reach out to the big fella.
• 1:09:20
  Speaker 2: I love him and you will too. Ah, do you
• 1:09:24
  Speaker 2: want to Is there anything you want to say before
• 1:09:26
  Speaker 2: we finish that We haven't said any little gem or
• 1:09:30
  Speaker 2: thought or idea do.
• 1:09:34
  Speaker 3: What's been really notice for mate, is it's about four
• 1:09:37
  Speaker 3: or five things that I've stuck to and I'll probably
• 1:09:40
  Speaker 3: stuck to with knowing you with our training and supplements
• 1:09:45
  Speaker 3: we take. But having gone down that rabbit hole, which
• 1:09:49
  Speaker 3: is ridiculously Matthew, I've always tried to look after my guts.
• 1:09:56
  Speaker 3: Since this, I've done it anyway, but even more my
• 1:10:00
  Speaker 3: gut health, my brain health, my sleep, yeah, hydration something
• 1:10:07
  Speaker 3: to quite down my mind. And a low sugar diet
• 1:10:11
  Speaker 3: yeahs wow, And I know what I can say. But
• 1:10:16
  Speaker 3: like creatine, you know, fish oil, magnesium, you know, all
• 1:10:22
  Speaker 3: those things, I've tried a lot. And having a brain
• 1:10:25
  Speaker 3: that went ninety nine, so you later, I have noticed
• 1:10:30
  Speaker 3: good results with some of those products or all of them.
• 1:10:33
  Speaker 3: You know, they are expensive, but I have some really
• 1:10:36
  Speaker 3: good I don't know, just a lot clearer. Things are
• 1:10:40
  Speaker 3: a little bit clearer. Yeah, you know, so that's something
• 1:10:45
  Speaker 3: that I thought i'd Yeah, you know.
• 1:10:48
  Speaker 1: Next time, we're going to come back and talk about
• 1:10:50
  Speaker 1: the boy in the tree.
• 1:10:51
  Speaker 3: Why do you hear that story? Everyone?
• 1:10:54
  Speaker 1: Christian Race, it's been ace. You're the best.
• 1:10:57
  Speaker 3: Thanks mate for inviting me on. Your success will show
• 1:11:00
  Speaker 3: you're on the champion. I do what I can.
• 1:11:03
  Speaker 1: We'll say goodbye affair, but.
• 1:11:06
  Speaker 2: Christian Race at gmail dot com is where you can
• 1:11:11
  Speaker 2: reach out with to Christian.
• 1:11:14
  Speaker 1: Thanks everyone, I hope you enjoyed it. See you next time.