Latest / The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast / Party of One

Transcript

Party of One · The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast

0:15
Speaker 1: Welcome back to I Do Part two. I'm one of
0:18
Speaker 1: your celebrity mentors here on the pod, Cheryl Burke. Today,
0:21
Speaker 1: I wanted to talk about sex and intimacy from a
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Speaker 1: single woman's perspective. You guys know, I have been really
0:27
Speaker 1: open about my celibacy journey, so I want to talk
0:29
Speaker 1: about that and also about this new trend we're hearing
0:32
Speaker 1: a lot about sleeping in separate rooms. So today we're
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Speaker 1: joined by relationship coach doctor Shanna Bromley to talk all
0:40
Speaker 1: about it. How are you, doctor Shanna, how are you doing.
0:44
Speaker 1: I'm good. I've done a little bit of research on you,
0:47
Speaker 1: and let's just get right into it and talk about
0:50
Speaker 1: navigating intimacy. You know, I'm single. I have been very
0:54
Speaker 1: open with my journey and how I've been celibate, and
0:57
Speaker 1: I've been choosing, obviously to be celibate for the past
1:00
Speaker 1: I would say three years. I'm divorced and I'm just
1:04
Speaker 1: choosing to date myself and it's been lovely.
1:08
Speaker 2: I'm curious what brought you to that.
1:10
Speaker 1: Decision dating myself?
1:12
Speaker 2: Yeah, dating yourself being celibate. It's I admire the commitment.
1:17
Speaker 2: I'm always curious when people make that commitment to themselves.
1:21
Speaker 1: It is something I've never done before. First of all,
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Speaker 1: I was a serial dater. Like I never was single,
1:28
Speaker 1: not even for a day. It was always back to
1:31
Speaker 1: back relationships since I was thirteen and I'm forty now,
1:34
Speaker 1: so it has been something that I am also very
1:40
Speaker 1: much in therapy and I have been for most of
1:43
Speaker 1: my life and I will continue to be till the
1:45
Speaker 1: day I die. But I this is part of my
1:48
Speaker 1: work and being sober now for six years, you know,
1:51
Speaker 1: this is something that I now owe to myself. And yeah,
1:56
Speaker 1: there's no rush for me to start dating again.
1:59
Speaker 2: And for you being solid. Bit is it about not
2:02
Speaker 2: having sex and sexuality with partners or is it also
2:08
Speaker 2: part of you shutting down your own sexual energy?
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Speaker 1: Oh no, no, I'm very sexual with myself. Okay, okay, yeah,
2:15
Speaker 1: but no I'm not dating, so therefore there is that
2:18
Speaker 1: is not an option for me at the moment, which
2:20
Speaker 1: is okay because I also fall in love quickly if
2:23
Speaker 1: I do become intimate with you. But this is what
2:25
Speaker 1: I'm currently working on, right So I mean, look, it
2:28
Speaker 1: all traces back to the way I was raised, to
2:31
Speaker 1: the trauma I deal with this little girl. My definition
2:34
Speaker 1: of love is not necessarily something that I want to
2:37
Speaker 1: continue to live by because I want to change the
2:41
Speaker 1: pattern in my brain. So in order for that to happen,
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Speaker 1: I really have to slowly rewire. You know, there's no
2:47
Speaker 1: time limit, there's no taking time bomb, though there is
2:50
Speaker 1: for our lives, but like one day at a time,
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Speaker 1: like my sobriety, and yeah, I just don't have that
2:58
Speaker 1: urge like I used to. I think I felt like
3:01
Speaker 1: I needed that person was going to complete me. But
3:04
Speaker 1: we all know that that doesn't happen through outside sources, right,
3:07
Speaker 1: that's all from within, And that's what I'm currently working
3:10
Speaker 1: on at this moment all at all. I've been very
3:14
Speaker 1: open with just my story, especially on this podcast. What
3:17
Speaker 1: do you believe is important when it comes to whether
3:22
Speaker 1: it's newly being broken up as far as intimacy goes,
3:26
Speaker 1: whether that's with yourself or with other partners, Is it
3:29
Speaker 1: important to continue the intimacy? Is it okay to take breaks?
3:32
Speaker 1: Is it okay to just be celibate like me?
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Speaker 2: I think absolutely, it's okay to do whatever you feel
3:39
Speaker 2: called to do. I don't think celibacy, it's I mean
3:44
Speaker 2: the connections, your sexual connection should be the connection you
3:47
Speaker 2: have with yourself. I don't think that that should ever
3:51
Speaker 2: go away. I think that's something that we should always
3:54
Speaker 2: invest our time into. Sensuality is absolutely something that every
3:57
Speaker 2: woman and every man that they should keep for them selves,
4:00
Speaker 2: whether they're in a partnership or not.
4:03
Speaker 1: Right, And when it comes to the older generation, right,
4:07
Speaker 1: because I think that there is this whole thing when
4:12
Speaker 1: giving pleasure to yourself for example, right, it's like a
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Speaker 1: I think it is generational. I don't know, maybe it's not.
4:19
Speaker 1: Maybe it's just where I was raised, who knows, But
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Speaker 1: I believe that there is this weird like how dare you?
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Speaker 1: You can't you can't please yourself and you have to
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Speaker 1: stay in a marriage or you know, all of these
4:33
Speaker 1: societal expectations. How how does one accept themselves if they
4:40
Speaker 1: want to do something that may not be what they
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Speaker 1: think is right?
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Speaker 2: I think you are a spot on. I think society,
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Speaker 2: whether it's church, whether it's our educational systems, whether it's
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Speaker 2: just traditional family values and systems have programmed us to
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Speaker 2: feel that sex for pleasure, self pleasure, that it's dirty
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Speaker 2: and the big stigma behind it. And you know, I
5:07
Speaker 2: think especially so for women, you know that you're supposed
5:10
Speaker 2: to be the good girl, you're supposed to be a
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Speaker 2: program and so pleasing yourself. Yeah, I think a lot
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Speaker 2: of us need to break through those like societal programmings
5:20
Speaker 2: that we have.
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Speaker 1: And how do you do that?
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Speaker 2: I think Number one just understanding that pleasure is not
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Speaker 2: a dirty thing. Pleasure is divine, It is a gift
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Speaker 2: in I mean, sensuality essentially means tuning into your sense it.
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Speaker 2: There's nothing dirty or wrong about that. It's beautiful part
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Speaker 2: of being a human being. And I think if you're
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Speaker 2: having a hard time kind of breaking through that cap,
5:48
Speaker 2: then you can do some research and find other people
5:52
Speaker 2: who are also struggling with the same programming and then
5:56
Speaker 2: realize like, hey, I'm not the only one that's feeling
5:59
Speaker 2: this way. There's a lot people that want to be
6:01
Speaker 2: having pleasure and are having pleasure and it's normal and
6:04
Speaker 2: it's beautiful and it should be cherished and it should
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Speaker 2: be celebrated.
6:08
Speaker 1: Absolutely, And I think also having these conversations are it's
6:11
Speaker 1: very important, you know, because we have to normalize it,
6:14
Speaker 1: like this is not I think living in that strict
6:19
Speaker 1: you know, in that world in our heads mainly, right,
6:22
Speaker 1: isn't it? Because like when you start to actually have
6:24
Speaker 1: the conversation, You're like, oh, I'm not alone, like at all.
6:28
Speaker 2: Absolutely, do you think that women get judged more for
6:31
Speaker 2: being celibate than than men? Do? I find means it's wow,
6:38
Speaker 2: you're so strong and with women, it's kind of a
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Speaker 2: whole different mindset around it.
6:43
Speaker 1: It's kind of like because I've been so open, right,
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Speaker 1: Like I I'm like an open book. I can care
6:48
Speaker 1: less what I mean, I care what people think about
6:51
Speaker 1: or what's what they think as far as like sometimes
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Speaker 1: of what I say is it too much? But it
6:56
Speaker 1: is because I'm a woman, Like I don't think we
6:58
Speaker 1: get celebrated enough. That is kind of like, oh, you'll
7:01
Speaker 1: find the right one, Like that's not the reason why
7:02
Speaker 1: I'm celibate. Like I know I can find the right one,
7:06
Speaker 1: but I'm not out there finding the right one because
7:08
Speaker 1: I don't want to, Like I'm finding myself right. So
7:11
Speaker 1: like that alone, it's almost like that without even the
7:14
Speaker 1: celibacy part, it's kind of like, oh.
7:18
Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely people think that as a woman, a single woman,
7:22
Speaker 2: like it's it's it's a sad experience. I don't understand.
7:28
Speaker 2: I mean, seeing single is so empowering. You get to
7:32
Speaker 2: design your life. You don't need to accommodate anybody else.
7:37
Speaker 2: It's it's such a it's such an empowering experience, but
7:40
Speaker 2: it's very sad that society looks on it like, oh,
7:43
Speaker 2: you poor thing, you're.
7:44
Speaker 1: Gonna die alone. Well how about this, We're all gonna
7:47
Speaker 1: die alone? Like this is not a new news people,
7:52
Speaker 1: and like who's going to take care of you when
7:53
Speaker 1: you're old? Like what this is? Instead? Like you know
7:58
Speaker 1: how people celebrate, Oh, we're Instagram official, Like I'm Instagram
8:02
Speaker 1: official with myself, Like why can't we all just celebrate both,
8:06
Speaker 1: you know, and the fact like Valentine's Day it's oh,
8:10
Speaker 1: I'm so so, Like I am so I've never been
8:13
Speaker 1: so consistently content, and the love I have for myself
8:18
Speaker 1: has never been where it is today. Put it that way,
8:21
Speaker 1: not even close than when I was in relationships. Now.
8:24
Speaker 1: I'm not saying it's black and white, right, Like I
8:27
Speaker 1: truly believe that maybe now if I were to be
8:30
Speaker 1: in a relationship, yes, things would change, but it does
8:32
Speaker 1: take time to cause my I always say my lazy brain,
8:37
Speaker 1: meaning like if I'm not really conscious and really thinking
8:41
Speaker 1: about who I'm dating or what I'm attracting and vice versa.
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Speaker 1: I will go back to those old patterns right so
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Speaker 1: I'm not scared of doing it. I'm just like, in
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Speaker 1: this moment, in this present time, I'm really enjoying myself
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Speaker 1: in my own company, and I don't think that's a
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Speaker 1: bad I'm forty, yes, And people are like, they say,
9:04
Speaker 1: do you realize it? Maybe you're not gonna be able
9:06
Speaker 1: to have kids. I'm like, yeah, guys, Like, it's just
9:09
Speaker 1: so crazy how people are so open and quick to
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Speaker 1: judge others, but when it comes to their own experiences,
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Speaker 1: it's a big no no or I overshare. It's either
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Speaker 1: or you can never please everybody.
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Speaker 2: I tend to look at whether we're single or we're
9:24
Speaker 2: in partnership as what is my spiritual assignment right now?
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Speaker 2: Is it that I need to grow? I've had times
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Speaker 2: where I've chosen, like, I really want to be single
9:35
Speaker 2: right now, because, like you, I might have been serial
9:38
Speaker 2: dating or am I dependent relationships, or I might not
9:42
Speaker 2: have been able to release relationships when I knew that
9:45
Speaker 2: they weren't right for me. And so I knew that
9:47
Speaker 2: a period of time with just me, myself and I
9:50
Speaker 2: was what I needed for my own healing and my
9:52
Speaker 2: own growth, and then down that I've reached a point
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Speaker 2: where I'm like, okay, you know, I'm ready for an
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Speaker 2: other challenge right now and and and right now. For
10:04
Speaker 2: me in partnership, it's quite a challenge at times because
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Speaker 2: you're you're triggered so much in partnership as well, and
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Speaker 2: it's an opportunity for me to look at what the
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Speaker 2: mirror is in the situation.
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Speaker 1: Oh my god, it's got chills.
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Speaker 2: There's not a right or wrong. It's a very personal
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Speaker 2: decision about where is your healing and where is your
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Speaker 2: growth and what type of container right now is right
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Speaker 2: for you.
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Speaker 1: You have said so many important things just now about
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Speaker 1: it really is. It's kind of like the triggers, right
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Speaker 1: are so important to look at and observe and not react,
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Speaker 1: But that's so much easier said than done. Are you
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Speaker 1: so you're so you are in a partnership.
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Speaker 2: Currently, Yeah, I'm in a partnership.
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Speaker 1: It's new, okay.
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Speaker 2: But it was after a period where I'd been by
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Speaker 2: my own for about a year and a half, okay,
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Speaker 2: and I just started feeling a little stagnant. My life
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Speaker 2: was I was I was, I was, I was, I
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Speaker 2: was making my life quite isolated. I found so partnership
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Speaker 2: for me was I was ready for more challenges. I
11:23
Speaker 2: was ready for Have I resolved my childhood traumas? Can
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Speaker 2: I be foot put in front of the triggers and
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Speaker 2: learn to respond and not react, learn to take a
11:33
Speaker 2: higher perspective? Can I learn to love and lean in
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Speaker 2: when I really just want to hit the eject button
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Speaker 2: and run for the hills.
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Speaker 1: I hear you, Oh, okay, so you've done a lot
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Speaker 1: of work on yourself. Would you like to tell me
11:46
Speaker 1: and my listeners like your background a little bit, just
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Speaker 1: so you know, we know, uh, we just know a
11:52
Speaker 1: little bit more about you, because it's so fascinating.
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Speaker 2: Sure, I mean, I grew up.
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Speaker 1: You know.
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Speaker 2: I don't think that there's good people are bad people.
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Speaker 2: I think that we're all doing the very best we
12:04
Speaker 2: can with our states of consciousness at the time. But
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Speaker 2: the environment that I grew up in was not very nurturing,
12:11
Speaker 2: and it was quite traumatizing, and it really left me
12:15
Speaker 2: with a lot of limiting beliefs about myself. I fully
12:19
Speaker 2: believed that I was not lovable, I would never be enough.
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Speaker 2: And I started as I became a teenager and I
12:27
Speaker 2: became an adult, I started making really bad decisions for myself.
12:31
Speaker 2: I hang out with people that I thought would equate
12:34
Speaker 2: to my worth, and that resulted in very abusive relationships
12:39
Speaker 2: and just a life of chaos. And I just had
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Speaker 2: this moment one day where I just said, I don't
12:46
Speaker 2: want this, I don't want this anymore, and so I
12:50
Speaker 2: just committed myself to education at that point in time,
12:54
Speaker 2: so not just with psychology, but with metaphysics and spirituality,
12:58
Speaker 2: really just trying to to learn as much as I
13:02
Speaker 2: can from my healing. And then now I spend every
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Speaker 2: day helping people, you know, find their way out of
13:09
Speaker 2: the darkness.
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Speaker 1: Wow, I can relate big time. And it's beautiful what
13:17
Speaker 1: you're doing as far as you know, being of service
13:19
Speaker 1: because there's so many people who I'm sure also can
13:22
Speaker 1: relate to your story in a way. And that feels
13:25
Speaker 1: stagnant and stuck. And it's interesting because when you say that,
13:29
Speaker 1: it's like, I don't feel that right now, just right now,
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Speaker 1: I can only speak for now right and regardless of time.
13:36
Speaker 1: What is time anyway at the end of the day.
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Speaker 1: But that I felt like that, like in my relationships
13:42
Speaker 1: and that feeling of stagnant, I know it very well,
13:45
Speaker 1: and it was it is something that you can get
13:49
Speaker 1: really comfortable in.
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Speaker 2: Absolutely, for me, it was very disempowering to be in
13:57
Speaker 2: relationships before I really needed to spend time alone and
14:01
Speaker 2: just really focus on loving myself. My grandmother was somebody
14:07
Speaker 2: that was a beautiful person in my life, and when
14:10
Speaker 2: she had transitioned, she had left me her like great
14:13
Speaker 2: great grandmother's engagement ring. And so the promise that I'd
14:16
Speaker 2: made to myself when I had that aha moment was
14:19
Speaker 2: I put it on my finger and I said, from
14:21
Speaker 2: now on, I'm going to date you, I'm going to
14:24
Speaker 2: love you. And I look back and it's such a
14:27
Speaker 2: transition of how did that girl become this girl? And
14:30
Speaker 2: really what it was it was just a decision to
14:33
Speaker 2: love me and invest in me every day and then
14:37
Speaker 2: slowly but surely you fill up your own cup and
14:41
Speaker 2: you just experience the world and people within it in
14:44
Speaker 2: a very different way. But it was necessary absolutely for me.
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Speaker 1: That takes a lot of self awareness, though, right, So, like,
14:53
Speaker 1: how does one do that if they they're just not
14:55
Speaker 1: self aware? Like you know, I guess it's kind of
14:58
Speaker 1: like do you have to hit rock bottom for that
15:01
Speaker 1: to happen? I know it's different for everybody, but like
15:04
Speaker 1: I have to take accountability for my sobriety, it's very similar,
15:08
Speaker 1: you know. And I truly believe I'm not grateful for
15:13
Speaker 1: the trauma that has happened in my life, obviously, but
15:15
Speaker 1: because of the trauma, I'm able to voice I believe
15:19
Speaker 1: this very in an open setting. And I think that
15:24
Speaker 1: for that, I know, is the reason why that has happened,
15:28
Speaker 1: you know, because I know we're helping people.
15:30
Speaker 2: I do. I do actually think we need to hit
15:33
Speaker 2: a rock bottom. If I look at my own experiences
15:37
Speaker 2: and I look at anyone that's ever come to me
15:39
Speaker 2: as a client, no one's ever come to me when
15:42
Speaker 2: everything was going great and I can blow up? How
15:45
Speaker 2: can I level up? It's always been like, wow, Okay,
15:50
Speaker 2: I just realize that I'm the common denominator in all
15:54
Speaker 2: of these things that don't feel good. What can I do?
15:57
Speaker 2: And I actually haven't seen anyone come to me when
16:00
Speaker 2: they haven't been in a place of pain and they
16:02
Speaker 2: haven't been comfort So I wish I could say, yeah,
16:07
Speaker 2: we just had like a seed of inspiration and self
16:10
Speaker 2: awareness that just blossomed one day, but I haven't seen it.
16:15
Speaker 1: Yeah, No, I think you're right. Actually, something has to
16:19
Speaker 1: happen to where you're like, okay, I give up, like
16:21
Speaker 1: you can. You can't blame anybody else but yourself.
16:24
Speaker 2: We surrender, and what's just like okay, okay, what do
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Speaker 2: I need to do?
16:31
Speaker 1: Okay? So what happens when you're just not sexually inspired
16:37
Speaker 1: or you're no longer motivated? Like, do you do you?
16:41
Speaker 1: Is it important to reach oge like to re energize
16:45
Speaker 1: that part of you?
16:47
Speaker 2: Yeah? I think our sexual energy is our creative energy.
16:50
Speaker 2: So I do think that it is essential that we
16:53
Speaker 2: invest into ourselves and we cultivate that energy. Now, we're
16:57
Speaker 2: not going to just be in the mood for that
17:00
Speaker 2: a lot of the time, but it's the same as
17:03
Speaker 2: if I want to have a certain body, I might
17:05
Speaker 2: not feel like going to the gym, but I know
17:07
Speaker 2: I need to go do those habits in order to
17:09
Speaker 2: cultivate the result that I'm looking for. And well that
17:13
Speaker 2: sensual energy and sexual energy and creative energy is all
17:16
Speaker 2: something that is a lifeline to me and makes me
17:20
Speaker 2: feel vibrant and happy and resonate on a higher vibrational level.
17:24
Speaker 2: Then I know that I need to take the actions
17:27
Speaker 2: and the habits that are going to cultivate that, and
17:30
Speaker 2: it's really about exploration and a self discovery. There's a
17:34
Speaker 2: million death of different methodologies that we can use to
17:38
Speaker 2: start to channel our sexual energy.
17:40
Speaker 1: I think movement. I'm a dancer, you know, so like
17:42
Speaker 1: for me, it's just like self awareness with the body,
17:45
Speaker 1: even just like it doesn't have to you don't have
17:47
Speaker 1: to go to the nearest sex store, you know, or
17:49
Speaker 1: whatever it's called. But like, honestly, it's just being in
17:53
Speaker 1: tune with your body, like just breathing.
17:56
Speaker 2: How about just breathing, stretching even just I mean sensual energy.
18:01
Speaker 2: It's your senses. It's not about your dina, It's about senses.
18:06
Speaker 2: And it's any way that you feel like you can
18:09
Speaker 2: tune into your senses. You can sit here in the
18:12
Speaker 2: room and you can look at where the shadows and
18:14
Speaker 2: the light meat. You can smell and see what's the
18:18
Speaker 2: most fragrant smell if you can taste. I can take
18:22
Speaker 2: coffee on my breath right now, How does this dress
18:25
Speaker 2: feel on my body? Right now? It can be just
18:29
Speaker 2: having a nice bubble bath with essential oils and giving
18:32
Speaker 2: myself that time. It can be putting moisture lotion on.
18:35
Speaker 2: It can be stretching, it can be.
18:36
Speaker 1: To love self care. This is all the giving back
18:40
Speaker 1: because like, you can't do anything if you don't fill
18:42
Speaker 1: your cup up. You can't be there for anybody. I
18:45
Speaker 1: mean you can, but it's gonna run out, like you're
18:47
Speaker 1: gonna break.
18:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're gonna be resentful. What you give to others
18:52
Speaker 2: has to be what's left over, what's spilling out of
18:55
Speaker 2: your cup. You can't give up. It has to spill
18:57
Speaker 2: out of your cup.
19:08
Speaker 1: So when it comes to partnership and you want to
19:12
Speaker 1: self please and have you know, please yourself, is it
19:15
Speaker 1: something to be open as far as communication goes, Because
19:18
Speaker 1: I have experienced you know, ex partners of mine who
19:24
Speaker 1: may have not necessarily loved the idea of me giving
19:28
Speaker 1: pleasure to myself and have wanted to always be around
19:34
Speaker 1: at every time, you know. And obviously I just think
19:37
Speaker 1: people analyze things a little too much. And maybe also
19:41
Speaker 1: I maybe I did not have to talk to them
19:44
Speaker 1: about it, you know what I mean as far as
19:46
Speaker 1: that goes, Maybe it's not their business. I don't know.
19:48
Speaker 2: You tell me, Well, it really depends what kind of
19:50
Speaker 2: relationship that you want to have. Yeah, I think if
19:54
Speaker 2: somebody is trying to control your pleasure. That's a red flag. Yes,
20:00
Speaker 2: I don't really agree with pornography. I think that there
20:03
Speaker 2: can be an issue when we're using external people and
20:07
Speaker 2: external stimulus to orgasm and the pleasure. For me, I
20:13
Speaker 2: think it should be more about using your imagination and
20:16
Speaker 2: tuning into your body and connecting to yourself. I understand
20:21
Speaker 2: people feeling insecure and having fear based thoughts if they
20:27
Speaker 2: think that, you know, you rather watch porn than be
20:31
Speaker 2: with them, and I can see how a lot of
20:33
Speaker 2: meanings can be given to that. I don't think it's
20:37
Speaker 2: necessary that you say, hey, this morning, you know, I'm
20:41
Speaker 2: masturbated and it was so awesome. Of course I think
20:45
Speaker 2: we need to share that, but it's also what kind
20:47
Speaker 2: of relationship do you want to have with somebody. If
20:50
Speaker 2: that's something important to you that you guys are in
20:52
Speaker 2: alignment on and that you do share, then yeah, you
20:55
Speaker 2: want to share. If it's something that you want to
20:57
Speaker 2: keep as a ritual for yourself, that's fine too. I
21:00
Speaker 2: don't necessarily tell my partner every time I take a
21:03
Speaker 2: bubble bath.
21:04
Speaker 1: No, right, So.
21:08
Speaker 2: It's just really I don't think there's a right and
21:09
Speaker 2: wrong container. It's really about you knowing where you want
21:14
Speaker 2: your relationship to be and then you make that you're
21:17
Speaker 2: taking the actions and the habits in order to create
21:20
Speaker 2: that for yourself.
21:21
Speaker 1: Yeah, I guess you're right. I mean I will from
21:25
Speaker 1: I mean years ago when I was in a I
21:27
Speaker 1: have only been in serious relationships, you know, so and
21:30
Speaker 1: plural back to back as you know now. But it
21:33
Speaker 1: was interesting because, like when it comes to porn and
21:36
Speaker 1: all that stuff, you know, if it happens regularly and
21:39
Speaker 1: it's without you, then obviously those feelings of like am
21:42
Speaker 1: I enough or not enough come up? And when you
21:46
Speaker 1: say like outside pleasure in a wait, are you also
21:51
Speaker 1: talking about like sex toys and stuff like that as well.
21:54
Speaker 2: No, I think sex toys are fine because you're still
21:57
Speaker 2: using your imaginary, you're.
21:59
Speaker 1: Not using another person that you're watching another person.
22:03
Speaker 2: And I think the issue with pornography too is it
22:05
Speaker 2: does to stimulate you because there's always people trying to
22:10
Speaker 2: push the threshold more and more and more, and peorn
22:13
Speaker 2: is performative. It's not real. Sex doesn't look like that,
22:17
Speaker 2: so it also just creates really unrealistic expectations.
22:21
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, no, it's not healthy, yeah at all. I
22:25
Speaker 1: don't think, but like if to each their own, you know,
22:28
Speaker 1: and I think when it comes to that, I do
22:29
Speaker 1: believe open conversation and being transparent is important because when
22:33
Speaker 1: you start to hide it, which I've also experienced, is
22:36
Speaker 1: just not that to me is like a red flag.
22:40
Speaker 2: Well, if you feel that you need to hide anything,
22:43
Speaker 2: it's all a red flag.
22:45
Speaker 1: And that Yeah, yeah, you've done a lot of work
22:48
Speaker 1: on yourself. I really respect that.
22:51
Speaker 2: Thank you.
22:52
Speaker 1: Likewise, thank you. Let's transition to this article that has
22:57
Speaker 1: caused controversy, but I mean what hasn't nowadays. Let's talk
23:03
Speaker 1: about what being a sleep divorce means. What does that
23:06
Speaker 1: mean exactly?
23:07
Speaker 2: Sleep divorce is when you are sleeping in separate beds,
23:11
Speaker 2: And I mean I think, with like many things, there's
23:16
Speaker 2: pros and cons. Do what I've heard, decisions that you make.
23:19
Speaker 2: For some people, it's very practical. It's more common in
23:25
Speaker 2: older couples. Snoring is an issue, menopause, different sleep schedules.
23:30
Speaker 2: But the thing is there is an unconscious bonding that
23:34
Speaker 2: happens when we're sleeping next to somebody. So if you
23:38
Speaker 2: are choosing to sleep in separate beds, be aware that
23:42
Speaker 2: that closeness that you're not having does need to be
23:45
Speaker 2: substituted and replaced with another type of connection ritual for sure.
23:50
Speaker 1: And I posted something on my Instagram story yesterday about this,
23:53
Speaker 1: and I got so many dms from football yeah saying
23:59
Speaker 1: my husband's norms so loud, like there is no choice,
24:03
Speaker 1: like I and mind you, this obviously has happened over time,
24:06
Speaker 1: like they've obviously started out sleeping together. It wasn't like
24:09
Speaker 1: a rule that was you know, enforced from the beginning.
24:12
Speaker 1: But it also matters when it comes to your mental health,
24:15
Speaker 1: like sleep is so important. But yes, I agree with you,
24:19
Speaker 1: like maybe there needs to be a time for intimacy,
24:22
Speaker 1: but then there's the pressure of greate, I just gotta
24:25
Speaker 1: like have sex with you now. Or it's not even
24:27
Speaker 1: about this physical act of sex.
24:30
Speaker 2: It's not even about it's not even about sex. It's
24:34
Speaker 2: just about chitchien. It's about intimacy, I meaning next to somebody.
24:39
Speaker 2: There's those small little physical touches, there's the warmth of
24:43
Speaker 2: a body next to you, there's the presence, and so
24:46
Speaker 2: I think that you do feel avoid when that person's
24:50
Speaker 2: not there. But at the same time, if you're getting
24:54
Speaker 2: one hour of disruptive sleep and you can't function the
24:57
Speaker 2: next day. But you're like, oh, but we sleep in
24:59
Speaker 2: bed every night. I mean, what's the trade off here?
25:02
Speaker 2: But there's lots of ways around this. I mean, you
25:05
Speaker 2: can go to bed at the same time and you
25:08
Speaker 2: can just cuddle for an hour. You can wake up
25:11
Speaker 2: and you can cuddle for an hour, you can have
25:13
Speaker 2: coffee in bed. Like, there's lots of ways that we
25:16
Speaker 2: can still put the intimacy. If for your state of
25:20
Speaker 2: well being, it just doesn't work to sleep in the
25:22
Speaker 2: same bed together. Have you Have you ever slept in
25:25
Speaker 2: a separate bed or wanted to with a partner?
25:28
Speaker 1: I get hot, but I don't think so. I would
25:34
Speaker 1: say me three years ago wouldn't like that because that's
25:38
Speaker 1: not where I was in my personal life. I think
25:42
Speaker 1: that with that would have come a lot of insecurity
25:44
Speaker 1: to be just completely transparent with you, I would have
25:47
Speaker 1: felt not as connected, but that had to do with
25:50
Speaker 1: my trust issues and stuff like that, you know, and
25:53
Speaker 1: that was all also and just maybe just in my head.
25:56
Speaker 1: But then it would just escalate and kind of go
25:59
Speaker 1: down around So but today I'm totally for it if needed.
26:05
Speaker 2: Some people even sleep in bunk beds as long as
26:07
Speaker 2: snoring's not the issue. But if it's something that I
26:10
Speaker 2: get too hot.
26:11
Speaker 1: I have to say I have a really weird sleeping
26:14
Speaker 1: I don't have as like I'm a dancer and my
26:16
Speaker 1: creative juices happen at like after midnight. And I do
26:20
Speaker 1: remember this bothering my exes at one point where like,
26:23
Speaker 1: I don't me going to bed before two of the
26:27
Speaker 1: morning is hard to do, Like I am a night owl,
26:31
Speaker 1: and I know that that affected some of my relationships
26:36
Speaker 1: for sure, especially if I wasn't dating a dancer, you know.
26:40
Speaker 1: And some people work better at night, some people work
26:43
Speaker 1: better at mornings, and it's just different for everybody, and
26:46
Speaker 1: so that would definitely screw get a little screwy. I think.
26:51
Speaker 2: I think it's even a question on Tinder nowadays, are
26:55
Speaker 2: you an early bird or are you a night owl?
26:58
Speaker 1: That's a good question.
26:59
Speaker 2: Is there is a compatibility issue there that means you
27:02
Speaker 2: need to talk about it and you need to compromise.
27:05
Speaker 2: My partner he has really bad sleep anxiety, and so
27:09
Speaker 2: a lot of the time he tries to go to
27:11
Speaker 2: bed with me, but he'll just lay there and eventually
27:15
Speaker 2: he has to get up and then he falls asleep
27:17
Speaker 2: when I'm getting up to start with my sessions in
27:19
Speaker 2: the morning and the transition to have because I haven't
27:24
Speaker 2: experienced that before. So it took us coming up with
27:27
Speaker 2: like our rituals and ways that we were going to
27:30
Speaker 2: work around this and creating a compromise and for that
27:34
Speaker 2: to work for us.
27:35
Speaker 1: Do you mind sharing just quickly as for your last thing.
27:38
Speaker 2: Yeah, So he'll lay in bed with me, and then
27:41
Speaker 2: I'm like out like a light by eight thirty because
27:43
Speaker 2: I wake up super early, so be opposite is you,
27:46
Speaker 2: And so he'll lay in bed with me. I'm gone,
27:49
Speaker 2: and then he goes and he does his work. And
27:51
Speaker 2: then generally I only worked till noon, so when I'm
27:54
Speaker 2: done work, he's actually getting up, so we are not
27:56
Speaker 2: really missing important time with each other. But then on
27:59
Speaker 2: the weekend when I don't have clients, I stay up
28:02
Speaker 2: later and he gets up earlier. So I'll usually book
28:05
Speaker 2: us an adventure that we're going on with this in
28:08
Speaker 2: the middle, and we have something fun plan to do.
28:11
Speaker 1: See you guys. There are solutions, It's very specific.
28:16
Speaker 2: There's always solutions. It's just a matter of talking it
28:18
Speaker 2: out because I mean, the biggest complex that all humans
28:21
Speaker 2: have is we think we think the same. So if
28:24
Speaker 2: you're doing something different than me, I must be right
28:26
Speaker 2: and you must be wrong, and it's where the issues begin.
28:30
Speaker 2: But if we can just accept, hey, you're different and
28:33
Speaker 2: I'm different. This is a very different thing about us.
28:35
Speaker 2: But how do we find a middle ground here? What's
28:37
Speaker 2: a fun compromise? It feels good for the both of us.
28:41
Speaker 2: Let's try that.
28:41
Speaker 1: Let's make an agreement on that and the communication. You
28:44
Speaker 1: have to feel comfortable enough to just communicate this right
28:47
Speaker 1: because there's a lot of shame behind it. But thank
28:50
Speaker 1: you so much for all that you do. Seriously, this
28:53
Speaker 1: is so important.
28:54
Speaker 2: Thanks for your time, Take care YouTube by bye.
28:57
Speaker 1: Thank you doctor Shanna for joining me today. I really
29:00
Speaker 1: hadn't given too much thought to the whole idea of
29:02
Speaker 1: sleep divorce, so I'm glad we talked about it. Are
29:06
Speaker 1: you having a difficult time navigating dating and sex since
29:08
Speaker 1: your breakup or divorce? Are you looking for some advice?
29:12
Speaker 1: Call us or email us, follow us on socials. All
29:15
Speaker 1: the information will be in the show notes. Make sure
29:18
Speaker 1: to rate and review the podcast. I do part two
29:21
Speaker 1: in iHeartRadio podcast, where falling in love is the main objective.