Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep2: Roasting Relatives/ The Art of Ruining Family Dinners 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep2: Roasting Relatives/ The Art of Ruining Family Dinners 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's crazy that a woman still hasn't been president, but men can be OBGYNs.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't that nuts?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: We still haven't had a female president, but dudes can be pussy doctors.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't I don't like the idea of male OBGYNs.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I really don't.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because the whole job is about vagina and they act like it's not.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Every male gynecologist I've met is just like, I just care about women's health.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, you look pussy, you creepy motherfucker.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Stop.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I know my enemy because I know myself, dude.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Stop.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: The whole job is about vagina and they act like it's not.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: If being an OBGYN isn't all about vagina, how come OBGYN just sounds like, oh boy, giants?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: We got some giant's coming in this week.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Damn.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: But I get it, you know.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Kamala couldn't pull it out.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't pull it out.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I get she has a weird vibe.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: She does.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Kamala Harris seems like that lady that would wear her Invisalign to work.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And you just gotta act like you don't see it, but you're like, it is visible.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Did you eat a big lunch with this in?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because we all see it.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I did vote for it because that's that's my job.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my whole family's back in Georgia.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: They're very conservative.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm the liberal son that lives in New York.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's my job now.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: I go home, I yell, I go, stop!
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: No!
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: My dad just goes, Trump! Trump! Honestly, I think if you agree with your parents' politics, you lack character.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Truly, because you don't know what it is to go home and just fucking nuke at Thanksgiving.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Just watch your mom cry over mashed potatoes because you care about health care.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: If you're liberal and your parents are liberal, fuck you, man.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all are just back at the house like abortion's good.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Kiss me on the lips, father.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Kiss me on the lips, papa.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: When me and my dad argue it sucks, because we're both fucking idiots.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: We're idiots.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know the issues, so then we just start having these weird satellite arguments that orbit the issues.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: We'll just be watching TV and he's like, man, Melania Trump's hot.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'm just like, fuck that, dude.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Michelle Obama's way hotter, dude.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Two dumbasses going at it.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't like how much my dad likes Trump.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's weird.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: You're not supposed to like a politician that much.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know that, right?
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: You're not like half the dudes that voted for Trump are like, oh, eat his ass right now.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, give me that sweet day.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, just let me eat it, DT.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Come on now.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: You do whatever you want to me and this country.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: My favorite porn category, orange dick, destroys country.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're not supposed to like a politician that much, okay?
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Democrats like Joe Biden the right amount, which is not that much.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's the correct amount.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, if Joe Biden asked most of us to drive him to the airport, we'd all be like, it's a bit of an imposition.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I will call you a lift.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot believe you asked, but I will call the lift.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: But I do, you know, I like Joe.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: I thought he was cute.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if he was good at his job, but cute as hell, man.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Can we say that?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: When he fell off that bike, I was like, what are we doing?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Get him up.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody kissed him.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: He might have a boo-boo.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I want to do to Joe Bae?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to tuck him into bed and go, hey, you work so hard.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: I miss when he still had all of his memories and he was a little bit freaky.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: You remember that?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: You remember he fully functioning freaky Joe?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: There would just be like a shot of Obama, and in the background it would be Joe Biden just fucking smelling somebody's leg.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: I would watch him do that and I would think to myself, I don't smell enough.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm out here using sight and sound like a dumb fuck.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: This guy's experiencing life with all five senses.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I like that.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: I miss it.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Joe Biden seemed like if a dog humped his leg, he would hump back.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's presidential in my book, baby.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: He just seems like that old guy that's very comfortable being naked in a locker room.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: He's walking in no towel, just like, come on, we're all boys here.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Don't do that.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Love your body, boys.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Joe Biden seems like the first time he went to Paris and he saw the people greeted each other by kissing each other on the cheeks.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: He leaned over to his friend and said, I think I'm gonna like it here.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of kisses going around here.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: When Joe was president, he would have laughed at these jokes.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: He would have.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: We can say that about him.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: He's got a good sense of humor.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: We can't say the same thing about Trump.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Pussy bitch that he is.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: We wouldn't be able to laugh at these jokes.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: But Joe Biden can laugh, damn, and he'd be right here with us, just like.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Who are we talking about?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's my guy, man.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I identify with him.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'm a little bit freaky myself, you know?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: I've done weird stuff in my life.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Back when I was 24, I was a busboy back in Atlanta.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: 24-year-old busboy.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because I didn't believe in myself.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I could have been a waiter, you know?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Could have been a man of means.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: But I was a bus boy and I would eat people's leftovers, okay?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't afford groceries, and people would waste insane amounts of food.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: People would take one bite out of a steak and be like, we're done, and I would be like, we are not done.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Take that home, give some to my roommates.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm an alpha.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: An alpha provides.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: But when you start doing that, when you start eating people's leftovers, you make a criteria for whose leftovers you're gonna eat.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because you don't want to see some dirty person's food, right?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I made my criteria, I would only eat the leftovers of people I was willing to kiss on the mouth.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because in my mind it made sense.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's like our mouths are touching anyway.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: But then it just turned into me eating attractive women's food.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: And pretty quickly I was like, is this just some weird kink I've developed?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Where I'm in the back of the restaurant?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh yeah, I'm your dirty little scrap over the book.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Give me your scraps, queen.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's time to make poopy for queen.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: The queen needs her poopy post taste.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I get that that sounds weird, man.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: I get that that was some weird shit to do, but y'all do weird shit, you don't even realize it's weird.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Every day I was talking to one buddy, I was like, hey, what do you like to do with your free time here in New York City?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, oh, every day I like to go to the park and people watch.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Why is that okay?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: People watch.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Just because we flip the words around, it's not creepy anymore.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's a lot different if he's just like, yeah, every day I go to the park, watch people.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: But we just flip the words and now it's like this cultured pastime.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, Yeah, I go to the park and people watch.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I people follow.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Mike, if I really like him, sometimes I people touch.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, Mike, they don't let me go to that park anymore.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: I go in there, I off-jerk one time, and oh, oh god, now I'm a big man guy.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: I New York, I can't people watch it off jerk no more.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Makes me so mad I want to people kill Mike.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you that.
• 7:44
  unknown: I'll tell you.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: But if I'm being honest, man, I people watch, I do.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: But when I do it, I just sit on a park bench and go, look at this fucking asshole.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: I people judge, man.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: I people judge harsh.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm from Georgia.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: I used to be a sweet southern boy.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I lived here six years, now I hate every stranger I see.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: I walk down the street, I'm like, fuck y'all.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like it, but that's what happens to you here, because there's so many people here you can only care about who you know.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: You care about who you know, and everybody else is sort of like a thinly veiled threat.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a small part of your brain that's like, I'll fucking kill you, dude.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's important to recognize that we have that within ourselves, that mechanism within our minds, you know.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because I have a buddy that says he has social anxiety.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, well, what do you mean by that social anxiety?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, Well, I'll go to a party and I don't know anybody there, but I feel like everybody hates me.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I'd be like, buddy.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: They do.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: They absolutely do, but they just don't know you yet.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: They're just judging you off looks.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: You just gotta get out there, shake a hand, you know, break that barrier.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like I did a show last week, and this dude's walking up to me after the show, and I'm looking at him, I'm like, look at this dumb motherfucking piece of shit walking towards me right now, and then he just comes up and goes, Hey, I'm Caleb.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I thought you were really funny tonight.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and he shakes my hand, and I was just standing there shaking his hand, like, Well, Caleb, I'll die for you, brother.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: You come up and you say a nice thing, that's all it takes.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's all it takes.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now you're on the team.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're good.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hey, miss, how are you doing?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: What's your name?
• 9:18
  unknown: Cat.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Cat?
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Cat, you have a really nice smile.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: And a very good fur firm handshake.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no problem.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: You um do you maybe want to throw a compliment back my way?
• 9:32
  unknown: Great top.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: So great top.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thank you.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Cat, you ever pee so clear in the toilet, you're like, I don't need to flush that.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's basically water.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: I could have pissed that into my mouth.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: What am I even doing?
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, that's it for me, guys.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you very much.