Latest / EST's "Truth Be Told" / “Far Side of Despair” by Cecilia deWolf

Transcript

“Far Side of Despair” by Cecilia deWolf · EST's "Truth Be Told"

• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to season two of EST's Truth Be Told, Love and Theater.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: We're so happy to be back with 14 news stories, each performed at Ensemble Studio Theater as part of the live event Truth Be Told, a story night created by Susan Kim and David Zelmick, full of amazing, profound, and hilarious true stories.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Love and Theater draws from two more sold-out nights, The Moment I Knew and The Theatre.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: This story is from Cecilia DeWolf and tells about a young woman in 1970 who has just traveled west to attend university.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: On her first night at a college party, she steps into another realm.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_02: I always knew I would know when the moment arrived.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_02: I was always searching, out there, searching for a fix, an answer, a remedy, a cure, like uh eating an entire box of ice cream, stealing alcohol from any liquor cabinet, and drinking it as much as I could.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_02: Booze really gave me some confidence.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_02: Scouting families and choosing the mothers I really liked and then campaigning with them to have them adopt me.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: Of course, there were times when I would lose all hope and I'd hide in the back of my closet and try not to breathe.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_02: But mostly I was out there grabbing anything that might fill this longing.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, come with me.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_02: Now it's 1970.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_02: I'm 17 years old, deep in the clutches of hormonal psychosis, and hyper focused on what I now know will be the solution to all my woes.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_02: Love.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_02: I have just um crossed the country and I've moved into New Digs, and I've just spent all day registering at a really, really, really big university.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_02: And tonight I'm downstairs in some house in a room that's really dark and I can't see a thing.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_02: I'm surrounded by bodies that jostle, bump, and gyrate to deafening music.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know anyone at this party.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, except my very newly made, very best friend Tom, who's somewhere upstairs doing poppers and God knows what else with some big beautiful bodybuilder from downtown.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_02: But I'm here.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_02: I'm here in the dark in the middle of this grinding crowd.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_02: I feel uncomfortable, alone, unmoored, no volition, no voice.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_02: I want to disappear.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_02: Someone hands me a joint.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: I take a big toke.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_02: Existential aloneness.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: Existential aloneness, I say to myself.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_02: I had just discovered Sartre in my last months of high school, and I've been holding on to him like a buoy, clinging to his his promise.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_02: Life begins on the far side of despair.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_02: I take another toke.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_02: Life begins on the far side of despair and across the room.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_02: I notice light shines out around the edges of a door.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_02: A portal on the far side of despair.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_02: I feel a surge of energy.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_02: I work my way through the pulsating pit of humanity.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_02: Oh damn, I'm thirsty.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: I need something.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_02: A beer, a bourbon, bong, something.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_02: I arrive at the door, I push it open, step into a brightly lit kitchen.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_02: Here he is, towering over a crowd gathered around him.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_02: I'm pulled closer.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_02: I feel the heat that radiates from this tall, massive, long-haired giant covering his broad chest and almost halfway down his very large belly is a canary yellow t-shirt, a little ripped, frayed, stained with past meals, a little darkened here and there from sweat and beer.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_02: On this sunny yellow t-shirt in black letters, warning, this is a subliminal t-shirt.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_02: Extended viewing may manifest in full realization of your potential.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_02: In smaller letters, view at your own risk.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_02: Knights in white satin push me towards the brimming cooler of beer at his feet.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_02: I drop to my knees, reach in, pull out a can of course.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_02: I stand dizzy.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_02: Slowly, in the pressure of our proximity, I back up, join the circle, pulled tight around him, engrossed in what he has to say.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_02: With a loud, deep, resonant voice, he describes victory.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_02: He slugs back a beer, he crushes the can, he tosses it, he pops a fresh one, takes a hit.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_02: He's joyful, proud, intoxicated, and regales us with descriptions of his capacity, which is greater than every competitor whom he's just vanquished less than one hour prior.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_02: At the International House of Pancakes.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_02: This champion just won the annual pancake eating contest.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_02: 185 pancakes covered with butter and syrup, thirty-seven five cake stacks.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_02: Why wait any longer for the man you love when he's standing in front of you?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_02: I stare at that canary yellow t-shirt, warning and enticing me with the promise of something I've never achieved.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_02: Full realization of my potential.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_02: I take stock of the moment.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, there's nowhere else on earth I'd rather be.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_02: My terror of men, my unexplored sexuality, irrelevant, existential aloneness, preparation for this moment.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_02: My own capacity for eating large quantities of food and drinking endless amounts of liquor, necessary strengths.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_02: I have met my match.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_02: In this moment, I experience the supreme order, harmony of the universe.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_02: It's only castles burning fills my ears.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_02: This guzzling gargantuan fills my eyes.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_02: My life takes a major turn.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_02: I don't remember how we get to his apartment, but here we are, laying across his big grass bed.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_02: I am uh naked with a person, a man, a very large naked man.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_02: Suddenly he's on top of me.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_02: Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, wow, whoa, wow, there's a lot going on.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_02: What, what, oh, what do I do?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, how does all of this feel?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not sure how to respond to any of it.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_02: I can hardly breathe, for God's sake.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_02: And then suddenly, this convulsing giant transforms into a colossal dead weight.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_02: Oh.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_02: I'm squashed.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_02: I wait.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_02: Uh what has just happened?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: I can't move underneath this enormous load.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_02: I can't get air in my lungs.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_02: I uh excuse me.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_02: Oh God, I can't even remember his name.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_02: He must have told me earlier in the evening, but for the life of me, I can't remember.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_02: I I I I I panic.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_02: I think I'm gonna die.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_02: Help! I must get out from under, I must move.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_02: Heave, wriggle, lift, yank, pull myself out from underneath this tremendous load, and suddenly I'm toppling off the side of a cliff, dropping through space.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_02: Time is altered.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_02: I I look back towards the man.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_02: Catch me.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_02: Please, catch me.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_02: My body hits the hard cold floor.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_02: I lay there, motionless, in emptiness.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_02: No voice, no volition.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_02: The only thing I know for sure.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_02: He doesn't care.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_02: And I I I smell something.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_02: What is that?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_02: That's awful.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_02: My fingers cautiously reach out through the dark across the cold floor.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_02: I find uh what is it?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_02: A sock.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_02: A big sock.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_02: His sock.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_02: Oh god, has he never washed this?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_02: It smells so bad.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_02: I came for love and I'm holding a filthy sock.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_02: My body shivers.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_02: I toss giant sock.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_02: Then slowly, silently, I hunt for pieces of my own clothing and put them on.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_02: Finally, dressed.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_02: I stand in the dark.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_02: Oh no.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_02: I suddenly realize he hasn't moved or made a sound.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_02: Is he dead?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_02: I come closer to the big grass bed that now seems sort of like a hump of rubble with a giant corpse on top.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_02: I come in close.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_02: Thank goodness.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_02: You're breathing.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_02: You're alive.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_02: You see, I say to his lifeless corpse, some of us do care.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_02: Oh God, I've got to get out of here.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_02: I turn and look across the dark room.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_02: I see a faint light shining around the edges of his front door.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_02: A portal on the far side of despair.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_02: I navigate my way without making a sound.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_02: Across the room, I open the door, I step out, I close the door behind me.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_02: Oh the early morning air is cold.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_02: It feels good.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_02: Oh god.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_02: There's not a soul anywhere.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_02: Oh god, where am I?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_02: I'm lost.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_02: Exhale.
• 11:14
  unknown: Okay.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_02: Find a road.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, we have a deserted street that stretches in two opposite directions.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_02: Um, ED meeny miny mo.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_02: Uh choose a direction, take a step.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_02: But what if this isn't the way back to the big college campus?
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_02: Take your next step.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_02: I burst into tears.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_02: He doesn't care.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_02: He doesn't love me.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_02: And then I give myself a good talking to.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_02: Oh now come on.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_02: Get it together.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_02: Keep moving.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_02: Let me ask you something, I say to myself.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_02: If he did love you, would it be enough?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_02: Huh?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe there's not enough love and liquor in the whole world to fill all your emptiness.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_02: Anyway, what is so bad about being empty?
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe this forever longing inside is just proof you got a heart.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_02: I pick up my pace.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_02: I lift my gaze.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_02: I look out.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_02: I notice the early morning, ever-increasing light.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_02: Trees, houses, wide, open fields, mountains, snow-covered mountains.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_02: I look down the road.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_02: I see signs beckoning me forward.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_02: Traffic lights turning from red to green, red to green.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_02: Stop to go, go, go.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_02: I think of him.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_02: His canary yellow t-shirt, those words over his big belly.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_02: Extended viewing may manifest in full realization of your potential.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my god! He was a sign! He was my portal to the far side of despair.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_02: I take my next step.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, I can do this.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_02: I take another breath.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, I'll keep going.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Cecilia the Wolf is an actor, writer, coach slash consultant, and traveler on life's adventurous path.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Truth Be Told was created by Susan Kim and David Zelnick, and each episode was produced and scored by Eric Smaikar.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: If you enjoyed this, please tell your friends and keep listening.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: More stories about the moment I knew will be released every Monday and about the theatre every Thursday.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: And do hit like and subscribe.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: It really helps.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Till next time, remember Truth Wants to be known.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yours too.