Latest / UNMASKED with Wesley Farnsworth / EP 64 - Recovery Starts When You Stop Fighting | Daryl Dittmer

Transcript

EP 64 - Recovery Starts When You Stop Fighting | Daryl Dittmer · UNMASKED with Wesley Farnsworth

0:03
What happens when you finally stop fighting the life that
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you've been given and start taking responsibility for the
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road that you're on? Today?
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On Unmask, we're talking about addiction recovery, intentional
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living, and the unexpected freedom that comes when you stop
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resisting reality and start owning your own story.
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Welcome to Unmasked, where we take off the filters and get
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real about faith, failure, and finding freedom.
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I'm your host, Wesley Farnsworth, a dad, veteran,
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author, and a man who's learned that God does his best work in
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the middle of our mess. Each episode we have honest
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conversations with people who have walked through addiction,
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pain, or doubt, and with pastors, leaders, and everyday
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believers who are learning to live and lead authentically.
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So take a breath, pull up a chair, and let's get real.
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This is Unmasked. Today's guest on Unmasked is
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Darryl Ditmer, an author, entrepreneur, and a man whose
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life has been shaped by hard work, hard lessons, and honest
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self examination. Raised in a blue collar family
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where work ethic wasn't optional, Daryl learned that
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learned early. Daryl learned early that nothing
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meaningful comes without effort. From farmhand to Carpenter,
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business owner, builder, investor, consultant, and now
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author, his journey reflects a life lived through addiction,
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failure, growth, and reinvention.
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Daryl is the author of When I Stopped Fighting the Unexpected
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Joy of Getting My Head Out of My Ass, a raw and disarming account
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of addiction, dysfunction, recovery, and freedom.
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His upcoming book, When You Stop Fighting the Road You're On is
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Your Own Asphalt, invites readers to examine their
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trajectory, take ownership of their choices, and build a life
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marked by purpose, connection, and adventure.
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Grounded, reflective, and deeply honest, Daryl brings a voice
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that doesn't preach from theory but speaks from experience.
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And today he's here with us to share his journey.
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Darryl, thanks for being with us here on Unmasked.
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Wesley, thanks so much. I appreciate you inviting me on.
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It's good to have you. Well, I am excited to hear your
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story. I know I've, I've seen little
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bits of it in our back and forth conversation and getting this
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scheduled. So I'm just going to turn it
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over to you and the floor is yours, Sir.
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Thanks, Wesley. You know, it's sometimes it's
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hard to know where to start, but I think I think sort of the, the
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backdrop that I came from is, is a good place to to just set the
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stage. And I was born in the Midwest.
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Actually, I was born in the city of Detroit.
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And that's why you see the little Lions thing behind me,
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born in the city of Detroit. My dad was a mechanic.
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My mom took care of us kids. I had an older brother and a
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younger sister, which makes me the middle child.
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I still don't know exactly what that means, but I hear it means
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something. Who knows?
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Anyway, you know, my dad was a pretty tough guy.
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He was a Korean War veteran and, and, you know, just a very blue
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collar upbringing. Nobody in my family had
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graduated from college And, and it was just, it was just hard
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work and it was Protestant work ethic.
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That's, that's how I grew up. And when I was a kid, I, I was
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probably, I don't know, 13 years old or so.
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I, I started, I guess I took my first drink and what I remember
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is loving it. I loved it.
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I loved how it made me feel. And, and my parents were both
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pretty tough people and they were, I wouldn't say they were
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hard on us at times. They were, but it didn't come
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from a place that was, that was, they were trying to be damaging.
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It came from a place where they had their own things that they
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were dealing with and, and it ended up being kind of tough on
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us. And, and so, and that's fine.
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You know, I, I, I, it's been a long time since I've let go of,
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of blame or, or any sort of, you know, pointing my finger back at
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my parents and saying, Oh, it's your fault that this happened to
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me. So, so when I was, when I was
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13, I, I started the drinking and, and for whatever reason, I
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loved it and I love the escape and I wanted to be in that place
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as often as I could. And, and that was a, a slippery
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slope for me and it, and it happened pretty quickly.
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I was, I was, you know, probably 1415 started doing a lot of
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different drugs and, and, and smoking and, you know, just just
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a lot of things that were I, I was taught not to do.
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And, and, you know, when I was a kid, I was, I was handed a
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belief system and they said, you know, here, this is what you're
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what you are supposed to believe and what you have to believe or
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there are going to be consequences.
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And, and I kind of rebelled against that.
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I, I, I didn't feel like that resonated for me.
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So, so as I continued to do the drugs and the drinking and
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started, you know, lying and cheating and stealing and, and
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petty crimes and, and just things that I was not brought up
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to do. And, and that, that ripped my
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guts out, that really there was a, there was a friction inside
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of me that, you know, part of me wanted to be this, this kid who
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was doing all the right things and, and getting good grades and
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playing sports and all that stuff.
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But all that stuff just kind of went by the wayside as I
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continued doing the drugs and alcohol and, and the rub was it
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that I had to hide, I had to keep me from being exposed or
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caught. And, and so it was just this
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inner conflict in this inner tension that just that just
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ripped me up inside. And I kept going further into
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the drugs and alcohol. We're, we're really at, at at a
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point. And I don't know when that was,
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but that's all that mattered to me.
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All that mattered to me was getting the next drink or the
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next drug or whatever that was. And, and the, you know, the
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drugs kept on getting harder and harder and then I started
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dealing some drugs and, and so it was just, it was a very
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slippery slope and, and my insides were getting ripped out.
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My guts were getting stomped on because of how I was living.
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And, and, and there was no, there was no governor for me to,
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to refer to, you know, to, to, to start doing the right thing.
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So when I was 18 years old and I, it was, it was fairly quick,
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but I, my mom was, you know, she was definitely after me.
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And I, and I didn't necessarily think I was a kid at that time.
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I didn't think I was a scared kid at that time.
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But that's really all I was. I was just a scared kid.
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And, and I was confront confronted with an intervention
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and, and basically it was look, either go talk to this drug
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counselor or, or get out of our lives.
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And because it was, it was too much for my parents at that
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point too, and had been for quite some time.
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So, so they said, if you're going to go to talk to this drug
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counselor, if that's what you decide to do, then meet us at
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such and put such a place, such a time.
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And I said, OK, and, and, and I didn't know if I was going to go
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or not, honestly, because it was the, the meeting was probably a
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week or two hence. And, and finally I just said,
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you know, something inside of me.
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And I don't know what it was. I don't know if I was just
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placating or, you know, but something said you got to go,
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just go and whatever that happened to be.
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And so I, I went and my immediate sort of how I would
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deal with life and how I would deal with those in, you know,
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positions over me, parents and adults and all that sort of
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thing, was I would just try to lie and, and, and get out of
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whatever it was that I was into. And, and I had that plan as I
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walked into this counselor's office and, and he took one look
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at me and he said, he said, don't even try to lie to me.
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Don't try to BS me. Don't try to do anything, 'cause
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I'll know I'll kick you out and you'll be in a worse spot than
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you were before you came in. And so I, I was intimidated and,
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and you know, this, this dude who thought he was a tough guy
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who really wasn't, was intimidated and he scared me.
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And, and so I was able to tell him the truth to the best of my
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ability at that time and, and whatever that happened to be,
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but I, but I, that's what I tried to do.
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And, and at the end of it, I said, So what do you think, doc?
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I remember saying that and he said, we need to get you into
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drug and alcohol treatment. So, so I went into treatment.
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It was a 30 day inpatient program.
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It was, it was very difficult. You know, people are counselors
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and therapists and all this stuff and all these things that
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I had never thought about in terms of dumping my guts out on
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the table about things that I had done and, and, and ways that
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I felt about things and about myself and all that sort of
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stuff. And I remember being in detox
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for, well, I don't really remember it.
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I, I remember one part of it. And, and this is, this is an, an
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interesting part to me because, because it, to me, it
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illustrates where my soul was at that point.
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And, and so I was, I remember laying on the bed face down.
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And, and this was the first, you know, right when I got into
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treatment, the first couple of days they put you in detox and,
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and I'm laying on the bed and I'm, and I'm not asleep, but I'm
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not awake. And, and I can feel my body
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being pulled down to the ground or to wherever I was being
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pulled downward. And it, it felt physical, like I
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was being pulled down, but it also felt like I was my, my soul
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was being pulled down and, and that was a scary, scary place to
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be. I felt like I was like something
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evil was trying to take me. And, and so I'm, I'm getting
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pulled and, and, and finally I just sort of snap out of it.
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I don't know if it was the fear. I don't know if I panicked.
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I don't know what it was, but, and I came to some semblance of
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consciousness and, and my body had been pulled off the bed and
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was down halfway on the floor and my legs were up on the bed.
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And it was just the weirdest thing.
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And, and I, I remember sort of rolling back over onto my back
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and positioning myself again. And then, and then I think I
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just went to sleep. But but that was that was
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indicative of the struggle and, and and there was something evil
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trying to take me and, and I don't know what that did for me
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or to me, but but I know that I'll never forget that.
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And I'll never forget how that felt and how frightening that
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was. And so, so that's that was
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treatment. Treatment was, you know, was
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very eye opening, But then I decided I had to get on with
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life and I got involved in the, in the 12 steps.
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That's, you know, two things that treatment gave me.
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One was hope and the other was took the 12 steps and the 12
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steps was became my refuge because I was because I was a
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scared kid, you know, because I was, I needed a direction and,
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and because I was just a kid, I didn't know how to live, much
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less be sober and, and get it together.
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And they said, you know, you're not going to stay sober, you're
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not going to stay in recovery if you don't change.
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And I'm like, all right, well, how do I change?
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And so the 12 steps was, was a road map to do that for me.
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And I believe that, you know, and we can talk further about
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this certainly Wesley, but I, but I believe that that there is
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A and was a plan for me to to move out of this addicted
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dysfunction craziness and into a different way of life.
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And, and, and I, I call, I call it God.
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I call it, you know, I was, I was helped, I was assisted, I
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was taught, I was put in different directions.
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That ended up being good for me. And, and it wasn't me.
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And, and I, I do the work, but I'm not the one driving the bus.
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And that's at this point in my life, that's a pretty cool place
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to be. So I'll, I'll leave it there for
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now. Wesley, thank you.
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Yeah. You know, one of the things that
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we say here on Unmasked is we give, we give credit to God, you
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know, for, for everything. And, and it's important that we
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live unmasked and we're able to talk about the things that we've
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gone through. And the fact that you've come
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out and being willing to talk about your addiction, which is
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something I think a lot of people are afraid to talk about,
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right? They're afraid to talk about the
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things that they've gone through, especially when it
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comes to addiction, because it's not an easy thing to talk about.
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And so I appreciate your being willing to come on and, and, and
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to explore that. So when you think about your
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faith specifically, I would love to kind of hear your faith
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journey through all of this. Were you brought up in the
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church? And how did your faith kind of
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ebb and flow, I guess you could say, through your addiction?
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And now that you're on the other side of it, how has it changed
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and grown since then? It was I, I did grow up in the
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church. I grew up Lutheran and went to
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church every Sunday. And, and you know, we, we had
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our, our religion, our faith. I'll say our religion because
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because at that point in my life, it was about the religion
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and it was about some of the I felt, and this was for me at
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that time, that it didn't necessarily implant faith in me.
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They told me I had to have faith, but I didn't know what
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that was because at that point in my life, I hadn't gone down a
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road of needing to find faith and, and engender faith within
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myself. And, and that took difficult
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experiences for me. That took difficult experiences
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for me to garner that faith. And so, so I, I look at it like
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I've had two lives and probably 700, but I'll say 2.
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The two were prior to recovery when I was given these things
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that I was told I had to believe.
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And then post recovery, which is where I saw it really working.
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I saw faith, you know, that mustard seed start to start to
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sprout and start to grow. And I looked at life and I said
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one of the things I had to do early on, and this is this was
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an important step for me. I had to, I had to look at what
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I had previously believed in the, you know, in the Lutheran
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faith. And I had to say, OK, what's
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working? What's working for me that they
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taught me that I was supposed to believe.
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And, and I had to take some of those aspects out of that and
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then leave some behind. And I had to lay my belief
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system out on a table. That's kind of how I envision.
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I had to lay it all out in the table and say, you know what,
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what's working, what's not and, and what can I pick up and, and
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move forward with and what do I have to leave behind?
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And, and I did that and, and part of my faith and very early
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on in recovery was as simple as I don't make my eyes see.
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I don't make the grass grow. I don't make the planets move.
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God's here somewhere, you know, and, and that was where it
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started and, and it's grown over time where, where, you know, I
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have the, the sort of biblical upbringing and I love the, the
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Bible and I love all the wonder and, and, and the teachings in
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the Bible and, but I apply them all to real life.
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And it's not something that's outside of me or up in the sky
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or somewhere removed from me. It is in me and, and it is me
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and it's everybody around me and its nature and its beauty and
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it's and it's also difficulty. It's also the things that help
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get me back on the track when I start to lose that faith or I
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start to question or I start to wonder, you know what?
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The only thing that moves me back, and I can't speak for
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anybody else, but but is is difficulty and is trials and
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things that take a little more than maybe I have and I have to
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I have to rely on God or, or, or, you know, for some people
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it's, you know, something larger than themselves.
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And, and I think God is, is to me, God becomes more and more
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undefinable because it's so big. I can't.
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God's so big. There's, there's nothing I can
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do to understand. I just watch God work in my
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life. And that's that's a really cool
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thing because I see it every single day.
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You know, both of your book titles, they all, they both
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center around stopping the fight.
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And so when you were fighting for most of your life, or excuse
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me, what were you fighting for most of your life, and what
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finally made you realize that it wasn't working and that you had
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to stop fighting? You know, I, I love that because
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because it, it goes back to a story.
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I had a, a mentor when I, when I first got involved in the 12
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steps, his name was Bud. And, and he, he really helped me
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understand the breadth and the depth of, of faith and of life
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and, and just the wonderful journey that it can be.
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And, and, and expanded that for me, expanded it outside of, of
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what I had known to be true prior to that time.
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And, and so as, as I wrestled things and I mentioned my dad
21:08
was tough, my mom was pretty tough.
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And, and, you know, they're the, the whole sort of battle cry at
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that point. And, you know, coming up in my
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life was, was tough it out, you know, no pain, no gain.
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You're not hurt if there's not a bone sticking out, you know,
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walk it off, all that sort of stuff, which, which I in in some
21:30
ways I agree with because we can't let a, you know, every
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little thing stop us. But in some ways, you know, we
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have to, we have to do something other than fight.
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And, and Bud said to me as he listened to me, you know, talk
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about wrestling my problems and wrestling parents and fighting
21:53
everything and everybody and that sort of thing.
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He said, Darrell, when you stop fighting, the fighting stops.
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And and that's why I, that's why I titled my books with, with
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that title when you stop fighting and when I stop
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fighting because, because I was fighting everything and, and I
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knew I needed to stop fighting everything.
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When he mentioned that to me, I'm like.
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Oh wow. That, that kind of makes sense,
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but, and I've been ruminating on it for 40 years now and, and it
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makes more and more sense all the time.
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But, but ultimately what I was fighting, and this is probably
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the most important thing is I was fighting me.
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It was under the guise of fighting all this other stuff,
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but ultimately I was fighting me.
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And that was the fight that needed to to wane.
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You talk a lot about responsibility and shame and and
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so I'm curious, how do you help people take ownership of their
23:02
lives without crushing themselves with guilt?
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Well, responsibility is something I had to learn.
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And when I was I, I didn't get into treatment until I was just
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into my 19th year, So I or 19 years old.
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So, so I was again young and I had no idea what the term
23:28
responsibility even meant at that time in my life.
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And, and so I learned that over time because, because I think a
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hard thing is, you know, we all want maybe something different
23:44
at any point in our lives and we want it immediately because, you
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know, why would we want to do all the work and take all the
23:53
responsibility? But you just get it immediately.
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Well, that's not how life works. And, and so life works by me
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consistently taking responsibility for every aspect
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of my life. And, and when I, when I say
24:08
that, I mean body, mind, heart and soul and finances, because I
24:13
think that's an important one to throw in there, but body, mind,
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heart and soul are very important.
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So, so how am I treating my body?
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How am I treating my mind? How am I treating my heart?
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How am I treating my soul? And, and those are all my
24:26
responsibility. So how do I stay away from guilt
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in terms of, you know, the, the, the only place to feel guilty is
24:40
in the past. And because that's the only
24:44
thing there is to feel guilty about is something behind me.
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And I, what I try to mentor people in is look, you know, we
24:54
can look at the past and we need to look at the past.
24:57
And there are times when we need to make amends.
25:00
And there are times when we need to, you know, on a momentary
25:02
basis, maybe say, I'm sorry, you know, come to terms with our
25:07
relationships and maybe the damage we'd done, but also the
25:11
damage we'd done to ourselves. So those looks in the rearview
25:15
mirror, I think are very important in reconciling our
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past is crucial, but not from a guilt perspective.
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It's, it's from a, from a calibration perspective, if I
25:30
can put it that way, from a, like, where am I on the road
25:35
perspective as opposed to, oh man, I got a, you know, do what
25:40
Martin Luther did and just flog myself because of my past.
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That's not what it's about. It's about, it's about
25:47
understanding it. It's about making amends if we
25:50
need to. It's about feeling it.
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And, and for me it was, there was a lot of crying.
25:57
There was a lot of hurt. There was a lot of, I'm sorry,
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but it was so that I could get my face back in the windshield
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and move forward with my life in a responsible way by learning
26:13
from the things that I had done as opposed to flogging myself
26:17
for the things that I had done. Because because beating
26:21
ourselves up is is useless. It, it does, it serves no
26:25
purpose. Recognizing, understanding and
26:30
moving forward in a different way is how our past serves us.
26:36
And, and honestly, from a responsibility perspective, I
26:40
also have a responsibility to myself.
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Not to say that I'm not going to feel some guilt sometimes based
26:48
on those things, but but my responsibility to myself is, is
26:53
that I, I can't, I'm being ineffective if I'm laying in in
27:00
the guilt and in the shame. And the way to move out of that
27:03
is to take responsibility for everything.
27:09
Yeah, taking responsibility is not always the easiest thing to
27:11
do, but, you know, one of the things that I've realized in my
27:15
own journey through recovery is that the addiction is often a
27:19
symptom of something and not necessarily the root issue.
27:24
And so when you think about it that way, what did sobriety
27:28
reveal to you about yourself that you couldn't see
27:31
beforehand? Everything, everything sobriety
27:41
showed me, honestly showed me that the only way to move my
27:50
life forward in the way that I want to move my life forward is
27:55
to, to first and foremost get rid of the result of my
28:05
deficiencies and insecurities and dysfunction, which is me
28:09
doing drugs and drinking. So I have to get rid of that
28:12
first. And then the, then the only
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thing there is to do is change. Because if I don't change, I,
28:21
I'm the same. I have the same issues and the
28:25
same problems. I'm just not, I'm just not
28:27
stuffing them down with drugs and alcohol.
28:30
And so, so the reap again, the responsibility is, is to change
28:38
and, and I liken it to a, a, a snake shedding its skin.
28:45
I have to, I have to shed the old skin and I have to, I have
28:51
to allow that to fall off of me. And sometimes I have to help it
28:55
fall off of me, you know, by just making sure that it's going
29:00
that way and going away from me and so that I can grow that new
29:04
skin. But that old skin is, is the way
29:08
that I used to be It. It's the, it's the not being
29:12
honest with myself. It's the not being willing it to
29:15
change or to do things differently or to take
29:18
responsibility. And that's all the old skin that
29:21
I need to shed. Because if I don't shed that
29:25
skin, I'm not going to move forward.
29:29
And and that's just, that's the hard truth that that sometimes
29:32
can be very hard to hear, but it is true.
29:35
And you know it, it's we can, we, we're never, I don't believe
29:39
we're ever going. I don't think we're ever static.
29:42
I think we're either going this way or we're going that way.
29:45
And, and sometimes we can just kind of bounce around.
29:48
But if I want to straighten out my trajectory, trajectory and
29:52
start heading north, the drugs and alcohol are just the
29:57
beginning or whatever it is. It doesn't have to be drugs and
30:00
alcohol. It can be, it can be food, it
30:02
can be gambling, it can be a a number of, it can be Amazon, it
30:06
can be social media, it can be tons of stuff.
30:09
So, so I have to let go of the addiction that I'm allowed to
30:13
change. Then I can change, but then I
30:15
have to find out. I have to explore what do I need
30:20
to change about me and it narrows the focus because the
30:26
only thing I really need to change is me.
30:27
I don't need to change the world, I just need to change me
30:30
in the world, which is, you know, not always the most fun
30:35
part, but it is the most effective part.
30:39
Yeah, changing ourselves is never a fun part, but that's
30:42
part of work on the 12 steps. Is is, is being willing to make
30:45
those changes. You know, I, I know if, if
30:49
people out there listening and you know, they're probably
30:52
familiar with the addiction story in some way, shape or
30:55
form, probably haven't gone through it themselves.
30:59
But so I'm I'm curious, what 12 step program were you a part of
31:04
or are you a part of? I was in a, in a A and, and I
31:10
spent probably the first eight to 10 years, you know, being the
31:17
1st 8, very active, you know, probably a meet.
31:22
I probably averaged a meeting a day for those eight years.
31:26
And so that was, that was how I came up And I, I haven't been to
31:30
a meeting in a long time. But anyway, we can talk about
31:35
that if you're if you want to. No, that's good.
31:39
I talk a lot on here about Celebrate Recovery, but there
31:42
are more than, you know, there is more than one type type of
31:45
recovery meeting. So the important thing, the
31:48
important part of it is, is whether you go to AANASACR,
31:53
whatever it is, that is that you take that first step and you
31:56
find a meeting and you start that road to recovery and you
32:01
won't just and and don't look back, you know, keep your head
32:04
down and and work the program they work.
32:08
You know, the second subtitle of your book says the road you're
32:12
on is your own asphalt, which is very intriguing to me.
32:17
And so I'm curious, what does that mean for somebody who feels
32:20
stuck on the road that they didn't choose?
32:25
Well, you know, there's I, I think there's, to me, there's a
32:31
difference between the road and the person on the road.
32:37
And so, so I chose, I guess is the best way to put it, the road
32:45
that I was on. And, and that was, that was on
32:49
me. I decided to start drinking and
32:52
doing drugs and ultimately I decided to start lying and
32:55
cheating and stealing and being a thief and, and all that sort
32:59
of stuff. And so, so that's what I handed
33:02
myself. And that's, you know, the first
33:05
thing I needed to overcome was, was Darrell, you know, I needed
33:09
to figure Daryl out and, and make Daryl difference.
33:12
So so somebody who's struggling on the road with circumstances
33:16
that you know, aren't necessarily of their choosing,
33:20
you know, the circumstances are something to be dealt with to
33:24
the best of our ability. But more so than that is I have
33:29
to deal with me to the best of my ability and and help myself
33:34
because there's, you know, tons of sayings about this sort of
33:39
thing. But but one of the one of the
33:42
ones that I really like, and I think it was an old stoic thing
33:45
or something. But but the circumstances don't
33:48
make the person they reveal them to themselves.
33:51
And so the circumstances I'm in show me things about me that
33:58
maybe I can, maybe I can change, maybe I can do differently.
34:02
Maybe my behaviors are contributing to the circumstance
34:05
that I'm in. Or maybe, you know, one thing
34:08
that was hard for me is, is the people I had in my life.
34:12
And when I got sober, they used to say, when you change the
34:15
game, you got to change the players.
34:17
And, and so I had to jettison a lot of the people in my life and
34:22
over time, and I'm just being frank, I had to jettison some of
34:27
my family members in terms of they were just toxic people in
34:32
my life. And so I, you know, not that I
34:36
stopped loving them, not that I stopped wanting the best for
34:39
them, but I can't have them poisoning the pool of my life.
34:44
And sometimes that's a decision that we have to make for our own
34:48
good, you know, to, in order to show up the way that we want to
34:54
for our lives. You know, we can't let all the
34:58
toxins overcome us. And, and so sometimes the
35:03
circumstances, we think, oh, there's nothing I can do.
35:05
But, but I can guarantee there's always something I can do about
35:09
me. There's, there's always
35:11
something I can change about me. And and that may make the either
35:15
the circumstances different or the circumstances much more
35:19
palatable. You know, entrepreneurship and
35:30
recovery, they often share a lot of overlap.
35:33
You know, they, they both have risk, they both have humility,
35:36
failure, persistence. They, they're a lot alike.
35:41
And so when you think about it like that, how has sobriety
35:44
changed the way that you build businesses and relationships?
35:52
You know, coming from a very blue collar background, I
35:55
remember I when I was a kid and Speaking of church, we, my dad,
35:59
I think I was 14 at the time, just getting started in my
36:03
illustrious drinking and drugging career.
36:05
My dad took me at 14 after church and he put me in front of
36:08
a farmer and he said, he said, can you put him to work?
36:12
And the farmer said, yeah, I can put him to work.
36:14
And so I went to work working on farms, you know, for much of the
36:18
rest of my youth and, and that was a great thing.
36:22
But the reason I bring that up is because that taught me work
36:27
ethic and, and is, and watching my dad also taught me work
36:32
ethic. He was a mechanic.
36:33
He worked a bunch of overtime. He, you know, for General
36:36
Motors, that's what you did back in the day in, in Michigan and
36:41
you worked for one of the big three.
36:42
That's what most of my friends dads did.
36:45
And so, so I watched that and I watched that work ethic and, and
36:53
you know, I, I learned through, and a lot of this was through
36:57
the 12 steps in terms of how would that relates to
37:02
entrepreneurship. I because I had to be persistent
37:07
to continue with the 12 steps. I had to be resolute in
37:13
continuing with the 12 steps and doing all the difficult things
37:16
that the 12 steps told me that I need to do.
37:19
And and so I did those things and it taught me that sometimes
37:27
I just have to stick around. Sometimes I just have to not
37:33
make that rash decision or that mistake or that thing that's
37:37
going to put me in the wrong direction.
37:39
And it's exact same thing with entrepreneurships.
37:42
It's the same thing with relationships.
37:43
It's the same thing with with everything that's in our lives.
37:49
Once we get sober and we get a recovery, whatever recovery is
37:53
for anyone at that point, we are again responsible for the
38:00
decisions we make, the choices we make, what we decide to do
38:03
with our time with our lives, all of it.
38:06
And, and so I chose some hard things and some difficult, you
38:14
know, things in terms of having to make businesses work or
38:18
turning them around or, you know, whatever it was.
38:21
Or sometimes I spent too much money and I had to figure out I
38:26
had, I had to go try to make more money because I didn't have
38:28
enough to, to fund some of the things that I was doing.
38:32
So, you know, we make mistakes and hopefully we learn, we go
38:37
down maybe a wrong path for a little while and hopefully we
38:40
learn and turn it back around and, and it's all the same.
38:45
It's the same stuff in terms of what I need to get good at for,
38:51
for pretty much every aspect of life, including business,
38:55
including relationships and friends and, and my, you know,
39:00
sort of inner workings. All of it.
39:03
It's it's it's interesting how the same principles apply to all
39:07
of it. You know, you mentioned briefly
39:14
you kind of mentioned emotional sobriety, which is not something
39:19
I think that's talked about enough.
39:21
And so I'm curious, what does emotional sobriety look like
39:26
just be? What does emotional sobriety
39:30
look like beyond just not drinking and using?
39:36
Emotional sobriety to me is and, and when I found my, I'll, I'll
39:43
say it this way, when I, when I was looking for a sponsor and I
39:47
was probably, you know, 8 months sober, I had, had AI had had one
39:53
sponsor before that, but, but I, I looked for a different sponsor
39:57
at that point and probably 8 months sober And, and I wanted
40:03
someone because I had 0 peace, zero calm, zero serenity, none
40:11
of it. I didn't have any of it.
40:13
And, and I looked for someone who had that.
40:16
I looked in people's eyes and I looked for somebody who had
40:19
some. Sobriety under their belt, some
40:21
time under their belt. And I found Bud and he
40:26
exemplified to me emotional sobriety, which which is, you
40:35
know, enough peace of heart and Peace of Mind and calming the
40:42
madness in here and, and calming all the conversations and the
40:46
people living rent free inside my head and all that stuff.
40:50
And, and not getting overly wound up about things and not
40:56
getting, you know, too down about things.
40:58
I mean, there's a lot, there's a lot to it.
41:01
And the more I can emotionally, you know, understand that the
41:08
storms are going to come and I can either do this emotionally
41:12
or the storms can come and I can just kind of bump along and, and
41:16
have a have reasonable responses.
41:21
And that's how I look at it today, reasonable responses to
41:24
the things that happen in and around me.
41:28
And you know, not to say that that we don't make mistakes,
41:31
that I don't make mistakes, that I don't, you know, do things
41:34
that are, that aren't indicative of of where I like to feel like
41:41
I am in life at this time. But but in general, and here's
41:47
how I look at success, I'll just mention this because it ties
41:50
into it. I used to look at success as
41:53
making money. And for a long time now, I've
41:57
looked at success as waking up in the morning with a smile on
42:01
my face. And what does it take to wake up
42:04
in the morning with a smile on my face?
42:05
It takes emotional sobriety. It takes treating my body right,
42:10
like we talked about earlier, treating my body right, treating
42:13
my mind right, treating my heart right, treating my soul right.
42:16
That's what emotional sobriety is to me now, and it's
42:20
indispensable. You know, you said something
42:26
there that I want to just touch base on, and that was you
42:30
mentioned community there for a second.
42:32
You talked about the people in your lives.
42:34
And one of the things that I talked about quite often is the
42:36
importance of community, especially when you're going
42:39
through things in your life and you're trying to make changes
42:42
like you do when you're going through recovery.
42:44
And so talk to us a little bit about how community has played a
42:49
role in your life and helped you versus hurt you.
42:57
I had to have community when I, when I first got involved in
43:04
recovery and it was absolutely indispensable.
43:07
The 12 steps, the tables, you know, the people that I met
43:11
there, having that support, having that people to, you know,
43:15
that understood what it was all about and, and how important it
43:20
was to, to not only stay sober, but to, you know, stop the, stop
43:26
the BS from myself and, and be honest with myself and, and
43:31
people who would advocate for me in that regard and help me and
43:34
tell me the truth and all that sort of thing.
43:36
So community is absolutely indispensable.
43:40
And, and I think, or at least how it happened for me is, you
43:45
know, like I said, the 1st 810 years very active in, in a, A
43:49
and, and then, you know, it's, it's sort of faded off after
43:53
that. But, but I, one of the things
43:57
that I have tried to do up until today and, and something I'm
44:02
actually doing more formally going forward is to mentor
44:05
people and to, to help people and to give it away because,
44:11
because everything's a flow and, and, and I truly believe this,
44:16
it can't stop with me. You know, when I, when I and,
44:21
and this is part of being in a community and, and the
44:25
community, my circle is smaller, but my community is bigger
44:29
because I'm not just trying to help people in recovery.
44:32
I'm trying to help people with everything in their life.
44:34
I'm trying to help people with, with business and with
44:37
relationships and with health and which, you know, with all
44:41
the things that, that help them be the most whole person that
44:45
they can be. And, and, and so the community
44:48
is, is large and, but it's, but it's crucial that I give back to
44:53
the community because the community gave so much to me.
44:57
So it, it's indispensable, especially in the beginning, to
45:02
be able to receive from the community and give what you can.
45:08
But then as time goes on, you have to, I think it's our
45:11
responsibility to give back to the community and take less,
45:17
give more and take less as we as we get our lives together and,
45:22
and are able to move forward in a way that's that's self
45:26
sustainable. Yeah, I would agree.
45:29
It's, it's important that you give back.
45:31
You know, one of the things you just mentioned too is actually
45:34
goes right into my next question and that is the importance of
45:38
mentorship. You know, mentorship plays a
45:40
very key role in in journeys, especially when it deals with
45:44
recovery. That's why they encourage A
45:47
sponsor, as you know, that's your mentor mentor.
45:50
And So what makes in your eyes, what makes a mentor truly
45:56
helpful? And how do people know when
45:59
they're ready to be mentored? Mentors is absolutely
46:08
indispensable and, and I think it's, there is no bad time to
46:18
have a mentor, but the best time is when you're ready to change
46:24
and you're willing to change and you want to change and you just
46:29
don't know what the path looks like or it might be in front of
46:33
you, but it's intimidating and it's scary.
46:37
That's what the 12 steps were to me in the very beginning.
46:39
Just really frightening to think about moving down that road.
46:44
So a mentor helps to ease that transition and ease that
46:52
transformation so that it's understandable.
46:55
And there are people who've been doing things for 10 minutes and
46:59
think they should be teaching everybody else how to do it.
47:01
But it takes introspection, it takes time, it takes experience,
47:05
it takes, it takes going through things, but not just going
47:10
through them, learning from them and going beyond those hurdles
47:16
and those obstacles to where I can reach back and help pull
47:21
somebody over and, and help them move through those obstacles in
47:25
a way that makes sense for them. And, and that takes time and
47:29
that takes experience. So I am a huge fan of mentors
47:34
and, and I have had mentors, you know, all the way up in my life.
47:39
And, and I've found different mentors, whether it's, whether
47:43
it's teaching me things to help my physical body or my emotional
47:49
body or whatever it is or my soul, There's always somebody I
47:55
can learn from. And, but, but in terms of giving
47:59
advice to folks who might be younger in, in, you know,
48:02
recovery, sobriety, whatever it is, I would say find someone not
48:09
your age. If you can find someone a little
48:12
older and a little more experienced who's been doing it
48:15
for a while. And, and, and look for someone
48:20
who has the qualities that you would like to emulate.
48:25
Because if they have those qualities and they're teaching
48:29
you, that's probably the direction that you're going.
48:35
Agreed. You know, Darrell, I have one
48:37
last question for you, but before I ask that I, I want to
48:41
give you the opportunity here to, to be able to share with the
48:43
listeners how they can find you online and how they can find
48:47
both of your books and what the titles were one more time.
48:51
Oh sure, thank you Wesley. So the titles are When I Stopped
48:57
Fighting, and that's my first book.
48:59
My second book is When you Stop Fighting.
49:02
And actually there's one over my shoulder right there.
49:06
That's the when you Stop Fighting.
49:07
That's a, a, a white cover. You can find them on Amazon.
49:11
Just plug in either When I Stop Fighting or When You Stop
49:14
fighting, or you can plug in my name, which is Daryl Dittmer.
49:19
And my website is also daryldittmer.com, which is
49:23
DARYLDITTMER. And so you can plug that into
49:30
Amazon or plug that into, you know, my website and that'll
49:34
take you to everything you want to know about me.
49:37
I, I am moving into, you know, coaching and mentoring on a more
49:42
formal basis. And I'm very excited about that
49:45
because because I feel like I'm going to be able to reach more
49:49
people and help them with more things.
49:52
I love to keep going. I love to keep moving.
49:54
I love to keep changing and learning and all that sort of
49:57
thing. So I'm, I'm, you know, learning
49:59
a little more formal ways in terms of helping mentor and
50:02
coach people. And I'm excited about it.
50:04
So. So stay tuned for that.
50:07
Awesome. Well, I'll leave a link to your
50:09
website down in the show notes for anybody that's interesting
50:12
and or interested. Excuse me.
50:14
And you can find out more about Daryl and his books and stuff on
50:17
his website. You know, Darrell, one of the
50:20
things that I love to do on this show is I love to leave my
50:24
listeners with something to think through, you know, an
50:29
action step, if you will, to be able to allow them to continue
50:34
their journey as a work to live unmasked.
50:38
And so for somebody that's out there listening, who feels
50:40
exhausted from trying to control everything, what is 1 practical
50:46
step that they can take this week to stop fighting and start
50:50
living intentionally? I'll tell a little story if
50:54
that's OK, Wesley, in terms of my my belief system surrounding
51:00
that and and one of the best stories that I have ever been
51:04
involved in in my life and and helped change me.
51:08
And, you know, there's, I like to think there's five things or
51:13
so that that just sort of stick in, in our minds and in our
51:17
hearts and in our souls. And, and this is one of those,
51:21
this is one of those things for me.
51:22
So, so there was a Friday night meeting.
51:25
It was at a Community Center in a nearby city to where I lived
51:30
just getting sober. And, and it was a pretty big
51:33
meeting, you know, pretty big Community Center.
51:36
The meeting, I don't know, is maybe a couple 100 people's good
51:39
size. And, and so I'd go to that
51:43
meeting with these young guys that I was hanging out with at
51:47
that time. And some were serious about
51:49
recovery, some weren't as serious.
51:52
I was very serious about it. I wanted to change.
51:54
I wanted my life to change. And, and there was this older
51:57
gentleman there and his name was Jimmy.
52:00
And he was kind of a slight, you know, smaller guy.
52:03
And he, he was a little older and he'd walk around a little
52:06
hunched over and, and, and Jimmy at that time was, was 40 years
52:12
in recovery. And we used to look at Jimmy
52:15
like, man, Jimmy's a deity, you know what I mean?
52:18
Just cuz we're like 6 months, nine months over whatever.
52:21
And Jimmy was this, this, this guy.
52:24
And we're like, man, 40 years. What's going on?
52:27
And, and, and I would watch Jimmy and I, I was always very
52:33
interested in him because of that long term recovery that he
52:36
had. And, and, and he was the only
52:40
person in any meeting that I ever went to who would go and
52:44
fill the coffee carafe and go around and fill people's coffee
52:49
cups. And I'm like, man, that's a
52:51
really selfless, cool service oriented thing to do.
52:58
And I watched him do that. And then I would listen to him
53:01
speak. And one of the things he used to
53:03
say, and this is, this is the biggest point of this story, is
53:08
Jimmy would say, if you want to stay in recovery and stay sober
53:12
and have a great life, you have to learn how to stay small.
53:18
And, and I thought about that and I'm like, I'm not sure
53:23
exactly what he's talking about, but but then it struck me at
53:27
some point, and I've been ruminating on it ever since.
53:29
He meant he meant I need to remain humble if I want to, if I
53:35
want to move forward in this life.
53:38
And I don't mean humble like humiliation.
53:41
I mean humble like teachable. I need to be open to learning.
53:46
I need to be open to learning a, a different way to live and
53:50
listen to people who have been doing it longer than me and, and
53:55
do my best to understand as opposed to always trying to be
54:01
understood. And that took a lot of heat off
54:05
of me. It took a lot of heat off of me
54:07
when all I had to do was think about, I didn't have to think
54:12
about you talked about control, changing the world.
54:15
And I got a, you know, I, I got to do this and I got to do that.
54:18
Listen, just what I needed to do at that time in my life was
54:22
listen to people who knew more than me and pay attention to
54:26
what they say and try to do some of the things that they that
54:30
they wanted me to do so that I could gain that, that
54:34
self-confidence and I could show up for myself and I could show
54:38
up for my life. And, and doing that from a
54:41
humble perspective doesn't mean not doing the work.
54:45
It means absolutely doing the work.
54:48
But I don't have to be in charge of everything.
54:51
You know, I don't have to be the one moving all the pieces.
54:54
I can be riding on the bus while still doing the work.
54:58
So, so that's the advice I would give is, is, is be teachable,
55:03
stay humble. You know, get your feet under
55:07
you, get your legs under you, get your balance and you know,
55:11
and, and as you change, life will change for the better.
55:18
Well, there you have it. Thanks, Darrell, for being with
55:21
us today on Unmasked and sharing your story and just trusting us
55:26
with it. Thank you, Wesley.
55:28
I really appreciate it. Thank you very much.
55:32
Our pleasure. Well, thanks for joining me
55:39
today on Unmasked and a huge thanks to my guest.
55:41
Again, thanks, Daryl for coming on and sharing so openly and
55:46
honestly with us. If something in this episode
55:49
spoke to you, don't let it stop with you.
55:51
Share it with the one person that God spoke to you.
55:56
Share with the one person that God put on your heart while you
55:58
were listening because you never know whose breakthrough might
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start with just that simple message.
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If you want more encouragement, you want to work with me
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one-on-one, or you're interested in having me speak at your
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church or event, you can find everything that you need to know
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at wesleyfarnsworth.com. And make sure you join the
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Unmasked community by following me on social media so that we
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can keep walking this journey together.
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Until next time, remember that grace is greater than your past,
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and freedom begins the moment that we choose to live unmasked.
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God bless you.