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Solanders Radio Tomb · Astounding Sci-Fi Story Collection

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  Speaker 1: Solander's Radio tumb This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox
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  Speaker 1: recordings are in the public domain. For more information or
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  Speaker 1: to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Recorded by Carter
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  Speaker 1: Abel Solander's Radio tumb by Ellis Parker Butler. I had
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  Speaker 1: first met mister Remington Solander shortly after I installed in
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  Speaker 1: my first radio set. I was going into New York
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  Speaker 1: on the eight fifteen a m Train and was sitting
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  Speaker 1: with my friend Murchison. As a matter of course, we
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: were talking radio. I had just told Murchison that he
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  Speaker 1: was a lunkheaded noodle and that for two cents I
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: would poke him in the jaw, and that even a
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  Speaker 1: pinheaded idiot ought to know that a tube set was
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  Speaker 1: better than a crystal set. To this, Murchison replied that
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  Speaker 1: that had settled it. He had always known that I
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  Speaker 1: was a moron, and now he was sure of it.
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  Speaker 1: If you had enough brains to fill a hey like shell,
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  Speaker 1: he said, you wouldn't talk that way anybody but a
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  Speaker 1: half baked lunatic would know. What a man wants in
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  Speaker 1: radio is clear, sharp reception, and that's what a crystal
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  Speaker 1: gives you. You're one of these half wits who think
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  Speaker 1: they're classy if they can hear some two cent station
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  Speaker 1: five hundred miles away utter a few faint squeaks. Shut up.
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to talk to you. I don't want
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  Speaker 1: to listen to you. Go and sit somewhere else. Of course,
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  Speaker 1: this was what was to be expected of Murchison, and
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  Speaker 1: if I did let out a few lapses of anger,
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  Speaker 1: I feel I was entirely justified. Radio fans are always
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  Speaker 1: disputing the relative merits of crystal and tubesets, but I
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  Speaker 1: knew I was right. I was just trying to decide
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  Speaker 1: whether to choke Murchison with my bare hand and throw
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  Speaker 1: his lifeless body out the car window, or tell him
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  Speaker 1: a few things I'd been wanting to say ever since
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  Speaker 1: he'd been knocking my tube set. When this Remington Solinger,
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  Speaker 1: who was sitting behind me, leaned forward and tapped me
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  Speaker 1: on the shoulder. I turned quickly and saw his long,
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  Speaker 1: sheeplike face close to mine. He was chewing cardamo on
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  Speaker 1: seat and breathing the odor into my face. My friend,
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  Speaker 1: he said, come back and sit with me. I want
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  Speaker 1: to ask you a few questions about radio. Well. I
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  Speaker 1: couldn't resist that could. I no radio fan could. I
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  Speaker 1: did not care much for the looks of this Remington
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  Speaker 1: Cylinder man. But for a few weeks my friends had
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  Speaker 1: seemed to be steering away from me when I drew near,
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  Speaker 1: And although I'm sure I never said anything to bore them,
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  Speaker 1: all I ever talked about was my radio set and
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  Speaker 1: some new hookups I was trying. But I had noticed
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  Speaker 1: that men who had formerly seemed fond of my company
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  Speaker 1: now gave startled looks when I neared them. Some even
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  Speaker 1: climbed over the nearest fence and ran madly across vacant lots,
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  Speaker 1: looking over their shoulders with flight frightened glances as they ran.
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  Speaker 1: For a week, I had not been able to get
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  Speaker 1: a man of my acquaintance to listen to one word
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  Speaker 1: for me except Murchison, and he's an utter idiot, as
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  Speaker 1: I think I have made clear. So I left Murchison
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  Speaker 1: and sat with Remington Soylinder. In one way, I was
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  Speaker 1: proud to be invited to sit with Remington Cylinder because
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  Speaker 1: he was far and away the richest man in our town.
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  Speaker 1: When he died, his estate proved to amount to three
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  Speaker 1: million dollars. I had seen him often and knew who
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  Speaker 1: he was, But he was a stand office old fellow
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  Speaker 1: and did not mix, so I had never met him.
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  Speaker 1: He was a tall man and thin, somewhat flabby, and
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  Speaker 1: he was pale in an unhealthy sort of way. But
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  Speaker 1: after all he was a millionaire and a member of
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  Speaker 1: one of the old families of Westcote. So I took
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  Speaker 1: the seat alongside of him with considerable satisfaction. I gather.
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  Speaker 1: He said as soon as I was seated, that you
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  Speaker 1: are interested in radio. I told him I was, and
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  Speaker 1: I'm just building a new radio set using a new
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  Speaker 1: hookup that I've heard of a week ago. I said,
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  Speaker 1: I think it's going to be a wonder Now here's
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  Speaker 1: the idea instead of using a grid. Yes, yes, the
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  Speaker 1: older ristocrat said hastily, but never you mind that now.
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  Speaker 1: I know very little of such things. I have an
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  Speaker 1: electrician employed by the year to care for my radio set,
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  Speaker 1: and I leave such things to him. You're not a lawyer,
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  Speaker 1: are you not? I told him that I was. And
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  Speaker 1: you are chairman of the trustees of the Westcote Cemetery,
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  Speaker 1: are you not, he asked. I told him I was
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  Speaker 1: that also, and I may say that the Westcote Cemetery
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  Speaker 1: Association is one of the rightest and tightest little corporations
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  Speaker 1: in existence. It has been in existence since eighteen o
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  Speaker 1: eight and has been exceedingly profitable to those fortunate enough
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  Speaker 1: to hold its stock. I inherited the small block from
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  Speaker 1: my grandfather. Recently, we trustees had bought sixty additional acres
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  Speaker 1: adjoining the old cemetery and had added them to it,
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  Speaker 1: and we were about ready to put new lots on
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  Speaker 1: the market at three hundred apiece. They promised to be
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  Speaker 1: tremendous prophet in the thing, for our cemetery was a
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  Speaker 1: fashionable place to be buried, and the demand for lots
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  Speaker 1: in the new addition promised to be enormous. You have
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  Speaker 1: not known it, said Remington Slander, in his slow drawl,
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  Speaker 1: which had the effect of letting his words slide out
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  Speaker 1: of his mouth and drip down his long chin like
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  Speaker 1: cold molasses. But I have been making inquiries about you,
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  Speaker 1: and I have been meaning to speak to you. I
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  Speaker 1: am drawing up a new last Will and Testament and
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  Speaker 1: want you to draw up one of its clauses for
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  Speaker 1: me without delay. My certainly, missister Solander, I said with
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  Speaker 1: increased pride. I'll be glad to be of service to you.
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  Speaker 1: I am choosing you for the work, Remington Slander said,
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  Speaker 1: because you know and love radio as I do, and
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  Speaker 1: because you are a trustee of the Cemetery Association. Are
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  Speaker 1: you a religious man? Well, I said, a little, uneasily.
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  Speaker 1: Some some, but no, not much, No matter, said mister Solander,
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  Speaker 1: placing a hand on my arm. I am, and I
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  Speaker 1: have always been. From my very earliest youth. My mind
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  Speaker 1: has been on serious things. As a matter of fact, Sir,
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  Speaker 1: I have compiled a manuscript collection of religious quotations, hymns, sermons,
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  Speaker 1: and uplifting thoughts, which now fill fourteen volumes, all in
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  Speaker 1: my own handwriting. Fortunately, I inherited some money and this
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  Speaker 1: collection is my gift to the world, and a noble one,
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  Speaker 1: I'm sure, I said. Most noble, said mister Solander. But Sir,
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  Speaker 1: I haven't confined my activities to the study chair. I
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  Speaker 1: have kept my eyes on the progress of the world,
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  Speaker 1: and it seems to me that radio, this new and
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  Speaker 1: wonderful invention, is the greatest discovery of all ages and imperishable.
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  Speaker 1: But Sir, it is being twisted to cheap uses, jazz,
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  Speaker 1: cheap songs, worldly words and music. That I mean to
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  Speaker 1: remedy well, I said it might be done. Of course,
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: people like what they like. Some nobler souls like better things,
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  Speaker 1: said Remington Solinder, solemnly, some more worthy men and women
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  Speaker 1: will welcome nobler radio broadcasting. In my will, I am
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  Speaker 1: putting aside one million dollars to establish and maintain a
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  Speaker 1: broadcasting station that will broadcast only my fourteen volumes of
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  Speaker 1: hymns and uplifting material every day. This matter will go
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  Speaker 1: forth sermons, lectures on prohibition, noble thoughts, and religious poems.
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  Speaker 1: I assured him that some people might be glad to
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  Speaker 1: get that, and that a lot of people might, in fact,
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  Speaker 1: and that I could write that into his will without
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  Speaker 1: any trouble at all. Ah, said Remington Sylinder. That is
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  Speaker 1: already in my will. What I want you to write
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  Speaker 1: for my will is another clause. I mean to build
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  Speaker 1: in your cemetery a high class and imperishable granite tune
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  Speaker 1: for myself, and I mean to place it on that knoll,
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  Speaker 1: that high knoll, the highest spot on your cemetery. What
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  Speaker 1: I want you to write into my will is a
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  Speaker 1: clause providing for the perpetual care and maintenance of my tomb.
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  Speaker 1: I want to set aside five hundred thousand dollars for
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  Speaker 1: that purpose. Well, I said to the sheep faced millionaire,
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  Speaker 1: I can do that too, yes, he agreed, And I
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  Speaker 1: want to give to my family and relations the remaining
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  Speaker 1: million and a half dollars, provided, he said, accenting the
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  Speaker 1: provided they carry out faithfully the provisions of the clause
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  Speaker 1: providing for the perpetual care and maintenance of my tomb.
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  Speaker 1: If they don't care and maintain, he said, giving me
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  Speaker 1: a hard look, that million a half dollars is to
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  Speaker 1: go to the home for flea bitten dogs. The he'll
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  Speaker 1: care maintain, all right, I laughed, I think so, Remington
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  Speaker 1: Solander said gravely. I do think so indeed. And now, sir,
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  Speaker 1: we come to the important part. You, as I know,
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  Speaker 1: are the trustee of the cemetery. Yes, I said, I
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  Speaker 1: am for drawing this clause of my will. If you
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  Speaker 1: can draw it, said Remington Cylinder, looking me full in
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  Speaker 1: the eye with both of his own, which were like
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  Speaker 1: the eyes of a salt mackerel, I shall pay you
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  Speaker 1: five thousand dollars. Well, I almost gasped. It was a
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  Speaker 1: big lot of money for drawing one clause of a will.
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  Speaker 1: And I began to smell a rat right there. But
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  Speaker 1: I may say the proposition Remington's Solander made to me
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  Speaker 1: was one I was able to after quite a talk
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  Speaker 1: with my fellow trustees of the cemetery, I was able
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  Speaker 1: to carry out. What Remington Solander wanted was to be
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  Speaker 1: permitted to put a radio loud speaking outfit in his
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  Speaker 1: granite tomb, a radio loud speaking outfit permanently set at
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  Speaker 1: three twenty seven wavelength, which was to be the wavelength
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  Speaker 1: of his endowed broadcasting station. I don't know how Remington's
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  Speaker 1: Cylinder got his first remarkable idea, but just about that
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  Speaker 1: time an undertaker in New York had rigged up a
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  Speaker 1: hearse with a phonograph so that the hearse would loudspeak
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  Speaker 1: suitable hymns on the way to the cemetery. And that
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  Speaker 1: may have suggested the loud speaking tomb to remington Cylinder.
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  Speaker 1: But it's not important where he got the idea. He
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  Speaker 1: had it, and he was set on having it carried out.
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  Speaker 1: Think he said of the uplifting effect of it on
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  Speaker 1: the highest spot in the cemetery, will stand my noble tomb,
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  Speaker 1: loud speaking in all directions, the Solomon Holy words and
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  Speaker 1: music I have collected in my fourteen volumes. All who
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  Speaker 1: enter the cemetery will hear, all will be ennobled and uplifted.
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  Speaker 1: That was so too, I saw that at once, I
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  Speaker 1: said so so. Remington's Solander went on to explain that
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  Speaker 1: the income from the five hundred thousand dollars would be
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  Speaker 1: set aside to keep a batteries and b eee batteries supplied,
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  Speaker 1: to keep the outfit and repair and so on. So
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  Speaker 1: I tackled the job rather enthusiastically. I don't say that
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  Speaker 1: the five thousand dollars feet didn't interest me, but I
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  Speaker 1: did think Remington Solander had a grand, grand idea. It
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  Speaker 1: would make our cemetery stand out. People would come from
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  Speaker 1: everywhere to see and listen. The lots in the new
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: edition would sell like hotcakes. But I did have a
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  Speaker 1: little trouble with the other trustees. They balked, and I
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  Speaker 1: explained that Remington Cylinder one of the sole radio loud
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  Speaker 1: speaking rites of our cemetery. But someone finally suggested that
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: a Remington Cylinder put up a new and artistic iron
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  Speaker 1: fence around the whole cemetery. It might be all right.
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  Speaker 1: They made him submit his fourteen volumes so that they
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  Speaker 1: could see what sort of matter he met to broadcast
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  Speaker 1: from his high class station. And they agreed that it
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  Speaker 1: was solemn enough. It was all solemn and sad and gloomy,
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  Speaker 1: just the stuff for a cemetery. So when Remington Cylinder
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  Speaker 1: agreed to be the new Iron Fence, they made a
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  Speaker 1: formal contract with him, and I drew up the clause
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  Speaker 1: for the will, and he bought six lots on the
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  Speaker 1: top of the high knoll and began erecting his marble mausoleum.
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  Speaker 1: For eight months or so, Remington Cylinder was busier than
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  Speaker 1: he had ever been in his life. He superintended the
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  Speaker 1: building of the tomb, and he had on hand the
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  Speaker 1: job of getting his endowed radio station going. It was
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  Speaker 1: given the letters w ZZZ and hiring artists to sing
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  Speaker 1: and play and speechify his fourteen volumes of gloom and
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  Speaker 1: uplift at three hundred and twenty seven meters, and it
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  Speaker 1: was too much for the old codger. The very night
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  Speaker 1: of the tests of the w ZZZ outfit was made,
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  Speaker 1: he passed away and was no more on earth. His
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: funeral was one of the biggest we've ever had on Westcoat.
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  Speaker 1: I should judge that five thousand people attended his remains
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  Speaker 1: to the cemetery, for it had become widely known that
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  Speaker 1: the first w ZZZ program would be received in loud
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  Speaker 1: spoken from Remington Solander's tomb. That afternoon, the first selection
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  Speaker 1: of the program his favorite hymn, beginning as the funeral
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  Speaker 1: cortege left the church, and the program continuing until dark.
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  Speaker 1: I'll say it was one of the most affecting occasions
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  Speaker 1: I had ever witnessed. As the body was being carried
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  Speaker 1: into the tomb, the loud speaker gave us a sermon
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  Speaker 1: by Reverend Peter L. Ruggis, full of sob stuff. Every
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  Speaker 1: one of the five thousand present wept, and when the
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  Speaker 1: funeral was really finished, over two thousand remained to hear
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: the rest of the program, which consisted of hymns, missionary reports,
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: static and recitations of religious poems. We increased the price
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  Speaker 1: of the lots in the new edition one hundred dollars
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  Speaker 1: per lot immediately, and we sold four lots that afternoon
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  Speaker 1: in two the next morning, the big metropolitan newspapers all
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  Speaker 1: gave the Westcote Cemetery full page illustrated articles the next Sunday,
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  Speaker 1: and we received during the next week over three hundred letters,
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  Speaker 1: mostly from ministers praising what we had done. But that
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: was not the best of it. Requests for lots had
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: come in by mail. Not only people in Westcote wrote
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  Speaker 1: for prices, but people over in New Jersey and up
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  Speaker 1: in Westchester County and even as far as Poughkeepsie and Delaware.
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  Speaker 1: We had twice as many requests for lots as there
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  Speaker 1: were lots to sell, and we decided that we would
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  Speaker 1: have an auction and let them go to the highest bidders.
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  Speaker 1: You see, Remington Cylinder's talking tomb was becoming nationally famous.
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  Speaker 1: We began to negotiate with the owners of six farms
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  Speaker 1: adjacent to our cemetery. We figured on buying them and
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: making more new additions to the cemetery, and then we
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  Speaker 1: found out we couldn't use three of the farms. The
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  Speaker 1: reason was that the loud speaker in Remingtons Solinder's tomb
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: would not carry that far. It was not strong enough.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: So we went to the executors of the state and
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: ran up against another snag. Nothing in the radio outfit
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  Speaker 1: in the tomb could be altered in any way. Whatever
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  Speaker 1: that was the will the same loud speaker had to
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: be maintained, and the same wavelength had to be kept,
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: and the same makes of batteries had to be used,
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: the same style of tubes had to be used. Remington
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: Cylinder had thought of it all, so we decided to
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: let well enough alone. It was all we could do. Anyway.
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: We bought the farms that were reached by the loudspeaker
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  Speaker 1: and had them surveyed and laid out in lots. And
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: then the thing happened. Yes, sir, I'll sell my cemetery
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  Speaker 1: stock for two cents on the dollar if anybody will
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  Speaker 1: bid that much for it. For what do you think happened?
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: Along came the government of the United States regulating this
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: radio thing and assigning new wavelengths to all broadcasting stations.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: It gave Remington Cylinders en Dowed broadcasting station w ZZZ
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: and eight hundred and fifty five meter wavelength, and it
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: gave that station at Dodwood Station PKX the three hundred
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: and twenty seven meter wavelength. And the next day, poor
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: old Remington Cylinder's tomb poured forth. Yes we aim and
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: got no bananas and the hot dog jazz. And if
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: you can't see Mamma every night you can't see Mamma
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: at all, and Hinked Tubbs and all his funny stories
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: like well, one day an Irishman in the Swede were
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: walking down Broadway and they see a flapper coming towards them,
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: and she had on one of them short skirts they
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: was wearing. Seek So Mike, he says, gee, b jabbers,
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: only I see a peach. So the Swede, he says,
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: looking at the silk sockings, maybe ye'd buy and see
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: a peach, Mike, But I see one mighty nice pair.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: But the other day I went to see my mother
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: in law. You know, the sort of program I don't
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: say that the people who like them are not entitled
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: to them, but I do say that they are not
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: the sort of programs. To speak from a loud speaker
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: from the tomb of a cemetery, I expect Old Romington's
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: cylinder turned clear over in his tomb when those programs
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: began to come through. I know our board of trustees
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: went right up in the air, but there was not
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: a thing we could do about it. The newspapers gave
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: us double pages the next Sunday remonton cylinders, Jazz Tomb
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: and West Coach's two stepped cemetery. And within a week
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: the inmates of our cemetery began to move out. Friends
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: of people who had been buried over one hundred years
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: came and moved them to other cemeteries and took the
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: headstones and monuments with them, And in a month our
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: cemetery looked like one of those Great War battlefields, like
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: a lot of shell holes. Not a man, woman, or
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: child was left in the place except Remonton Solander and
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: his granite tomb on top of the high Knoll. What
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: we've got in our hands is a deserted cemetery. They
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: all blame me, but I can't do anything about it.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: All I can do is groan. Every morning, I grabbed
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: the paper and look for the PKX program, and then
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: I grow Remonton Solander is the lucky man. He's dead.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: End of Solander's Radio tumb by Ellis Parker Butler read
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: by Carter Abel