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Empowering Intimate Reconnection: Courtney's Journey from Religious Constraints to Expert Sexuality Coaching · Your Thoughts Your Reality

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Welcome to your Thoughts, your Reality with Michael Cole, the podcast that shines a compassionate light on the journey of veterans battling through life's challenges.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Michael is a dual elite certified neuro encoding specialist in coaching and keynote training presentations dedicated to guiding military veterans as they navigate the intricate pathways of post-deployment life.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: Join him as we delve into the profound realm of neuroencoding science, empowering these brave individuals to conquer universal battles procrastination, self-doubt, fear and more.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Together, let's uncover the strength within you to re-engage with families and society, forging a new path forward.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: Hello, hello, hello everybody.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: So today we have a special guest.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: I'm super excited about this.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: I've been trying to get Courtney on for a little while and the stars aligned and here we go.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: So a little bit about Courtney.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: She is an expertise and relationships and sexuality.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: A renowned relationship and sexuality expert dedicated to helping people solve their most renowned relationship and sexuality expert dedicated to helping people solve their most pressing relationship and sex challenges.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: We're going to talk a lot about that.
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: Obviously Published author.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: She's the author of Not Tonight Honey why Women Actually Don't Want Sex and what we Can Do About it.
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: Okay, let's just move on.
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: You were laughing when you were saying that intro Okay, let's just move on.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: You were laughing when you were saying that intro.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: That's funny.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: Of course we're going to get into that as well, obviously Okay.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: A groundbreaking book that explores the complexities of sexual desire and relationships, featuring major media.
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: You know Courtney's insights have been featured in Cosmopolitan, the Huffington Post and Parents, so you know we're going to dive into all this stuff.
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: I'm super excited.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: And so, courtney, tell us a little bit more about yourself that we haven't already talked about.
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: Yes, so let's see, I am a military spouse.
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: My husband is active duty army and has been in the military as a physician for 14 years.
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: We've been married for almost 20.
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: We have three kids.
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: We're currently stationed in Germany.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: And I like to read and travel and drink wine.
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: Sounds fantastic, yeah, and thank you for yours and your husband's service Truly truly mean that You're welcome.
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: Thank you, absolutely.
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: So how do you start getting into this work?
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: Write the book.
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: What kind of said this work?
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: Write the book.
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: What kind of said you know this is needed, Right.
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: So I grew up in the evangelical Christian church and was not ever really talked like, discussed sex at all, and I saw the impact that that had.
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: When I hit high school college age.
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: A lot of the relationships were just not the healthiest and a lot of people were rushing to get married because that's where you could have sex.
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: And so what I saw was this lack of conversation and this lack of dialogue around sexual desire, normal sexual development, marriage relationships and everything, and so I wanted to be a part of that conversation and I wanted to be a part of that solution, really because I saw it as a major problem.
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: A lot of relationships ended in divorce years after they got married, at 20, 21.
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: And then I worked as a sexuality educator for a little while before I switched over and became a mental health and sex therapist.
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: I switched over and became a mental health and sex therapist and just would talk to women a lot.
• 3:27
  Speaker 3: Especially I worked with couples, but definitely a lot with women who felt really sexually broken.
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: And so the two questions that I would get asked the most, anytime I would go speak or anytime that I would have clients, was what's wrong with me and am I broken?
• 3:42
  Speaker 3: And those two questions are really what led me to write the book.
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: Awesome, so let me ask you.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: I'm already just going off the questions.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: We're just going to have our conversation, like we normally do here.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: So when you say, you know, obviously working with military, as I do as well, I see patterns right.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: Stories are different, Patterns are very similar.
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: See patterns right.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: Stories are different, Patterns are very similar.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: So what are the patterns that you're seeing where?
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: To be clear, is it just women that you work with or do you work with men and women?
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: I work with all genders and all relationship styles.
• 4:16
  Speaker 3: Got it, thank you.
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: Thank you for the clarification.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: So what are the patterns that you see with the different genders?
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: If you will?
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: In terms of what?
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: Feeling broken.
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: What's wrong with me?
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: I mean, usually it's a pattern that we see, Like when we get out of the military.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: When veterans get out of the military, there's that honeymoon period right when they come home and everything's wonderful.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: Woo-hoo, life's good, I'm free, all those things right when they come home and everything's wonderful.
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: Woohoo, life's good, I'm free, all those things right.
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: And then reality starts setting in and is less brown.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: A mentor of mine says life be lifin' right.
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: So life starts kicking in and that's reality starts setting back in.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: So what do you see as far as those kinds of patterns?
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: So what I see typically with it depends on, like, their age and their season of life.
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: But I'd say the majority of clients that I deal with, a lot of times what's happened is they've done all the right things so like, okay, I had very few, maybe no, sexual partners before I got married.
• 5:18
  Speaker 3: A lot of them come from religious backgrounds and so that plays a big role in their life.
• 5:23
  Speaker 3: And so then they get married, they have the kids, they have been their partners working hard at their job or they're also working hard at their job and they're like why am I so miserable?
• 5:33
  Speaker 3: Why do I feel so disconnected from my body, from my my partner, from my kids?
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: I'm not interested in sex.
• 5:40
  Speaker 3: It's.
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: I'm constantly fighting with my spouse about sex, and it's usually one partner wanting sex more than the other.
• 5:47
  Speaker 3: It's not always the man, but typically in heterosexual relationships we do see that men want sex more.
• 5:54
  Speaker 3: I will say that there is a caveat of what I'm seeing with women in their early 40s age is that women are starting to desire sex more and so then it kind of flips a little bit and a lot of times the male partner is tired and they're like I don't, I don't want to do the crazy things that you're reading about in your fantasy books or your dragons and all of this stuff, Like I am just tired and so you just say dragons.
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: So there's, you know their, their fourth wing, and all those books and stuff.
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: Who's?
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: Written by military class as well.
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: Yes, I'm messing around.
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: There's the inside joke Long story with some family members about dragons and stuff.
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: I just had to say something.
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: No, that's fine.
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: I love inside jokes.
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: It's true, though, because you have Game of Thrones and all these shows and books and all this stuff, and dragons are around.
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: They are very much around, yes, and so for a lot of women, they're having this like sexual awakening, and it's very like celebrated by society, like a lot of book clubs, and a lot of women aren't afraid to talk about sexual desire or masturbating or toys or fantasies Like those are things that historically, like, you would never talk to your girlfriends about ever, ever, ever.
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: And so now we have this surge of women whose bodies aren't, you know, with their babies constantly anymore, because they're a little bit older, their kids are a little bit older, more independent, and so a lot more women are like okay, yeah, like I'm, I'm about this, and their partner's like I'm working like 70 hours a week and I feel overwhelmed with, like baseball practice and coaching, soccer and all this and like so they're just as the pattern that I see is a lot of disconnect.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: And I'm right there.
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: I understand that.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: So what are some tips and tricks to start changing that?
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: Because really it's about a lot of.
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: It's about connection.
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: For my experience, again, for women, it's more about that safety, that connection and so on.
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: So what are some things?
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: As let's switch it to you know, hey guys, what can we do?
• 8:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely.
• 8:07
  Speaker 3: There are so many things that you can do.
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: Okay, but with that it's going to be just just okay.
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: There's hope, but then there's also a major discomfort, because a lot of people were not raised to communicate effectively, especially around sexuality issues and relationship issues.
• 8:27
  Speaker 3: So if we can just embrace that discomfort and be like this is going to be awkward, this is going to be hard, and then just choose to move through it anyways, Like that has got to be step number one, I think so Then deciding like what, like what do I?
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: want, courtney, if we can, just really quick I'm sorry to interrupt hey, hey, guys and gals, or whatever the case may be, if we can, let's not think about it being uncomfortable, maybe, but you need to get a little uncomfortably, be comfortable, Right, and let's focus on the prize at the end, if you will, not to put too much on that.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: But if we really start thinking about, hey, we're going to get a little uncomfortable, how much am I going to be rewarded, if you will, with having all the things that I miss back, because guys are missing it too.
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: You know they're busy, they're tired, they're exhausted, and so are women, and I'm not, you know, I'm not putting it in a box that way, but let's really not focus on the uncomfortable for a minute.
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: Let's think about and get that leverage for ourselves of of the victory and what we're going to get, you know, really, and celebrate it, man, I mean, pat yourself on the back, shake your butt, do whatever you got to do to get those endorphins going, so you're more focused on moving forward than sitting there in the discomfort of oh man, this is going to be weird, you know, because it can be fun, right, those conversations you giggle, you have fun with it.
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: It doesn't have to be discomfort, you know uncomfortable.
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: So I just wanted to bring that up.
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: So please continue.
• 10:02
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: I appreciate it.
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: Both can be true, absolutely, you can.
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: You can be discomfort and fun and awkward and all of the things.
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: And discomfort doesn't mean bad, it means you're growing Like that's really good.
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: So, um, so I think that deciding like what it is that you want so is there, like where you're at and then like where you want to go.
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: A lot of times, especially women don't know what it is that they want.
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: So, even using like the, well, I want to feel like this main character does in this book, I w.
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: I want to feel like this main character does in this book.
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: I want to feel like this.
• 10:34
  Speaker 3: It's like okay, well, let's break that down.
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: I think that there's some things there like I want to be desired, I want to be seen, I want freedom, I want to not feel shame around my body.
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: So it requires a little bit of digging work.
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: So, like, I guess my next step would say like get the shovel, because you're really going to have to do some digging work into what it is that you want, because it's unfair of us to expect from our partners what we are unable to articulate ourselves having that digging.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: So let's talk about that, right?
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: So what are some steps or what are some thought process around how you do that for yourself, not just, I mean just to give them the first two steps into it, if you will just to kind of break it and when they're going, well, I don't know how to dig into it.
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: What does that mean?
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: So one of the things that I like to have clients do is to really reconnect with, like, their inner kiddo.
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: And you're like, well, that's kind of weird because we're talking about sex stuff here.
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: That's odd.
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: But what I found is that people that struggle to receive pleasure in the bedroom also struggle to receive pleasure in their other parts of their life, struggle to receive pleasure in their other parts of their life.
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: And so if we can reverse engineer and start to receive pleasure in other areas of our life, it is easier for us to receive pleasure in the bedroom is to be connected to the things that matter to us, that light us up, that bring us joy.
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: And so what I have them do is to really connect with that that kiddo, that little kiddo part of them.
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: It's like what, what did I really love doing?
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: Like, did I love collecting rocks?
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: Did I love, um, like, when I was a kid I loved Nancy Drew?
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: Like.
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: I love like trying to figure things out and investigating and solving things.
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: And, right, I, I'm a professional problem solver for relationships and sex and, like you know, when you follow that thread through through your life, you start to see where those early desires and that pleasure showed up and continues to show up in your life.
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: So that would be something to connect with the inner part of you, because a lot of us, especially girls, were taught to self-abandon because it was easier and we were more accepted when we were the nice girl, when we went with the flow, when we didn't have to say no and advocate for our needs.
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: And so one of the things that I help clients do is to really connect with that part of themselves that they did abandon and helped them to it's safe.
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: Now it's safe to be with that part of you and to figure out what it is that you really want.
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: So for women, don't be a problem, don't be exhausting, don't be hurt if you will, which is all the opposite things, in my opinion.
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: That should be instilled, if you will.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: Excellent information.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: So for guys how do we reconnect?
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: How do we reconnect?
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: So same same way, you can go back to your like what did I did?
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: I love playing football.
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: Did I love, um, drawing?
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: That you know, when I grew up, even though the arts were were still men were in it.
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: I would say that it was really pushed for boys to to follow athletics and so, like you were really masculine and really a man if you were in sports and did those kinds of things.
• 13:55
  Speaker 3: Men who are more into the arts were a little bit softer and, like you know, are you like you're not really masculine type of thing, and so a lot of boys I saw would abandon that.
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: They were like, well, it's not really like cool to draw.
• 14:07
  Speaker 3: Or, like people said, I'm like gay because I like ballet or something.
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: And so, again, connecting back with that part of them that didn't feel safe and really giving them permission to be like I want to go to a dance class, I want to go to a pottery class, I want to go, I want to garden, I want to design, I want to do those things because those things brought me joy as a kiddo.
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: Or playing with Legos, right, even something silly like that, like going to the store.
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: I've done this with a client before.
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: He used to love Legos as a kid and gave it up because he had to get like a real job and be a CEO, whatever.
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: And so I was like I want you to go to the store and I want you to pick out a box of Legos whatever it is that you want and your job is to just build it.
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: Build whatever you want.
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: And I made him set a timer and do it.
• 14:54
  Speaker 3: And at first he was like I hate this, this is so dumb.
• 14:56
  Speaker 3: But afterwards it opened.
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: I mean, it makes me emotional.
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: It opened something inside of him that he had been repressing for so long, and it was like he described it as like unlocking something that felt like it had been hidden away for since he was a little boy.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: Well, very cool and I love, and I love that you know.
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: You know I wasn't the jock, I played guitar, I'm an Aussie musician.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: I kind of went that route in the arts in a sense.
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: But it's interesting you bring that up, but it totally makes sense, yeah.
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: So, men and women or couples, let's just bring them together, if you will.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: So, communication, right, biggest thing slow down, be present for each other, communicate, talk about that, please.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: Yes, how do we reconnect truly?
• 15:48
  Speaker 3: Yes, a lot of times we communicate so that we can be right.
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: Yes, a lot of times we communicate so that we can be right.
• 15:53
  Speaker 3: So I am not interested in hearing how you're feeling or how you experience something.
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: I'm interested in convincing you that whatever happens was one, not my responsibility.
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: And two, it happened the way I experienced it, the least generalized, yeah, I mean what our brain normally does right In conversations, right?
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: So, instead of listening to what you said, so if you were sharing with me how you were feeling about something and I immediately go well, that's not what happened.
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: Why do you always do that?
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: You were always like making it a big deal, you're deflecting're just like oh great, is this about your mom?
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: Again like you, you you're not.
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: We don't hear what the other person is saying and when we don't hear them, we're not seeing the inner part of who they are, and that inner part that really needs to be seen and validated absolutely so.
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: How do you, uh, and you, I know some of these secrets, but I want you know.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: Obviously I want to hear from you and get some new tips too.
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: How do you do that with your partner?
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: I mean, we can go, we can go both roles, because I know it's a little different for both roles.
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: So let's start with the receiver who, like if you're talking to me and you're telling me how I feel, or how you feel, or you're sharing an experience with me, my one job you only have one job as a listener, is to validate what they have to say.
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: Now, people confuse validating with accepting.
• 17:26
  Speaker 3: So if you share with me, you know what, courtney, when you came home and didn't bring me leftovers, I felt really forgotten and that made me sad, instead of me being like whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 17:41
  Speaker 3: You didn't ask me to bring you leftovers, right, whatever, ok, that's.
• 17:45
  Speaker 3: That's not your job as the receiver.
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: The job of the receiver is to validate whatever was just told to you, even if you don't agree with it.
• 17:53
  Speaker 3: Remember, validation does not equal acceptance, and I want to share something here.
• 17:57
  Speaker 3: I also struggle with this sometimes because I like to be right in my relationships and so when my husband says stuff to me like that, I'm like that's not how it happened.
• 18:06
  Speaker 3: No, but I have to remember that's not the point of him sharing.
• 18:11
  Speaker 3: The point of him sharing he's trying to connect with me, he's trying to be seen by me.
• 18:15
  Speaker 3: So when you share with me how you were feeling or your experience, my job is to say I understand why you would feel that way.
• 18:22
  Speaker 3: That's it.
• 18:24
  Speaker 3: That is literally all I have to say.
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: It is not but, and it is because what happens is when you have somebody say that to you, you almost, like physically, are like okay, it's not a battle, I don't have to prove anything to her, I don't have to justify, I'm just unloading, I'm just sharing.
• 18:50
  Speaker 3: Now, sometimes we need to ask our partner's permission to be like hey, I really want to share something with you.
• 18:57
  Speaker 3: Are you open to receiving that?
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: And a lot of times we just assume that because well, you're my partner and you're stuck with me, that that gives me the right to dump on you anytime I want, and I think that's a really unfair thing to do.
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: That is, yeah, I agree that's super unfair, and I got to tell you I don, and I think that's a really unfair thing to do.
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: That is, yeah, I agree that's super unfair, and I got to tell you I don't even like, when you said the word stuck with you.
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: It's like you're feeling that way.
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: There's maybe another.
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: So for the, for the masculine also, let's, let's touch base.
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: You know the masculine also.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: Let's touch base.
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: You know the masculine energy is like to fix instead of support and listen.
• 19:40
  Speaker 3: Yes, Talk a little bit about that, if you will.
• 19:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: So I think that that is a normal thing.
• 19:45
  Speaker 3: A lot of it comes back to.
• 19:47
  Speaker 3: It is hard for us as humans to see another human suffering.
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: A lot of us were not taught to sit in other people's pain.
• 19:56
  Speaker 3: We were taught to look away because it's uncomfortable.
• 19:59
  Speaker 3: And so what we do when we solve or diminish or whatever it is trying to subjugate the pain.
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: So we're trying to be like oh yes, you're not hurting anymore, good job me.
• 20:16
  Speaker 3: I stopped that pain.
• 20:17
  Speaker 3: And so when we start to become aware of why we're doing it, it's not because we're bad people, it's not because I'm like I don't want to hear about your problems, janice, like again, okay, it's more about I feel uncomfortable because I don't know how to help you, right.
• 20:37
  Speaker 3: And what we don't realize is that just sitting in discomfort, in ambiguity and just being like I don't know that feels really uncomfortable for our brain, especially with people that we love.
• 20:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah, Absolutely, absolutely, and so that's really the first step I would say is just that people that we love, yeah, absolutely, absolutely, and so that's really the first step.
• 20:55
  Speaker 3: I would say is just that self-awareness.
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely.
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: What would be the second step, if you don't mind?
• 21:00
  Speaker 3: Well, the second step would be suck it up.
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: It would be, it would be like repress, the urge to solve.
• 21:08
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and focus on validating.
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely Maybe it'd be.
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry you're going through that or you're feeling that way.
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: How can I support you?
• 21:18
  Speaker 3: Love that Beautiful question.
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: How can I be there for you?
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: And then usually that conversation, real communication, happens.
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: From my experience, yeah, it's, it's, but men, male energy, whatever the case may be, you got to catch yourself before you do it.
• 21:37
  Speaker 3: And it takes a lot of practice to be really intentional about it, and it's like give yourself some grace of like, oh man, shoot, I did it again, I solved her problem or solved his problem, and it's okay to go back.
• 21:50
  Speaker 3: And I find this it's a good way to practice with our kids, because a lot of times what I see, even myself, is I will try to solve my kids' problems instead of just sitting with them in it, because to me it seems so simple and like well, of course you would do it this way, but I am disempowering them when I do that, because there's that authority figure, whereas we don't necessarily have that with the people that we love and our friends, and so it's a little bit different.
• 22:19
  Speaker 3: So I think that if you can start out by doing it with people that you, there is that, um, power imbalance is to really be like okay, you need to be aware of this more so, and then it can start to shift into more where the power balance is equal.
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's fantastic.
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: I love that With children also.
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: You know, I've had many guests on here and I learned you know, in fact I had a guest on that got reprimanded by somebody in a store, in a store, and because he was he, he wanted them to learn a lesson.
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: You know because you and said literally, hey, you learn from mistakes, right, yeah, Well, what if also we let the kids learn on their own instead of just telling them yeah, and this is a mistake I made as a parent, you know, I mean I'm way past parenting now.
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: You know we won about that.
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: But if your children are actually learning, instead of you just telling them and, like you said, being present and having that conversation, just slow down and be present and let them figure it out, with maybe a little guidance, with good quality questions, and it really will go a long way.
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: Also, I want to go back really quick.
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: You brought up a really good point about the fixing it.
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: When you start to catch yourself fixing it, here's a little neuro encoding tip as soon as you catch yourself thinking about, hey, I'm going to fix it, catch yourself on the back, celebrate, smile or I have other ways we can talk about later, but it creates actually with the hormones being released and things your brain is saying, hey, what just happened?
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: And so on, and it'll help you create new neural pathways to literally start catching yourself before you start trying to fix it.
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: So again, anybody that's looking out, dm me or whatever the case may be, or watching, I should say, or listening on the podcast forums later, reach out.
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: I'd love to share that later on.
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: We just don't have time right now because I want to make sure we talk more quickly.
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: So, again, reach out.
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: So so let's talk more about what we kind of started with, if we will, because we got about five minutes left and I think it's important.
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: So, when, when you know the man's older, he's tired or sorry, you know whatever the couple situation is, I shouldn't say that, whatever that that is and you know the woman is getting, you know her sexuality is being reborn, if you will, like you know, and that is being freeing and all those things.
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: How can that communication I know we've talked about it being uncomfortable or celebrate because life's going to change.
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: What are some thoughts on rekindling that we have?
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: Communication, obviously, talk about what we know, whatever tips you have in this whole realm, if you will.
• 25:04
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so one of the things that my husband and I do every year is we do a relationship checkup, and so I encourage this for couples who typically don't do this to do it more often.
• 25:18
  Speaker 3: Think of it like your car.
• 25:20
  Speaker 3: Like if you have a car that needs a lot of maintenance, like you need to take it in more often, so you need to have those conversations more often.
• 25:26
  Speaker 3: But one of the things that we talk about is is there something sexually that you have liked, that I have done this past year, that or that we've done together that you've really enjoyed and would like to see more of?
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: That's one question.
• 25:37
  Speaker 3: The other question is is there something that is not like we're not doing and you are interested in exploring and that opens the door to a whole lot of things?
• 25:48
  Speaker 3: So those are questions.
• 25:50
  Speaker 3: Again, you don't have to wait until your anniversary dinner to do that, but what I like to do is use external sources as a way to introduce really uncomfortable topics.
• 25:58
  Speaker 3: So it could be like hey, I was listening to your thoughts, your reality podcast, and this woman was talking about um, introducing BDSM into the bedroom.
• 26:11
  Speaker 3: Let's say, for example, or I was reading an article about open marriages, or I was reading an article about open marriages, or I was reading an article about sexting, whatever, and so this is what they talked about in the article.
• 26:23
  Speaker 3: This is what I heard on the podcast.
• 26:25
  Speaker 3: What do you think about that?
• 26:26
  Speaker 3: And so you're not sharing your personal, you're not saying, hey, you suck at this or we never do this.
• 26:33
  Speaker 3: I'd really want to do this.
• 26:34
  Speaker 3: What you're doing is you're opening, you're providing information from an external source that feels non-threatening, and opening the forum so that you can have an honest discussion about a topic that doesn't feel connected to your own sex life per se.
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: That's great, great advice.
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: I love that.
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: So okay, so let's continue that conversation, if you will.
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: So the other partner is like, oh, that's interesting, I never heard of that.
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: Or why are you bringing this up even more?
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: So you know, because sometimes when someone's not comfortable from my perception of this, if you will, is someone's not comfortable about this because they've never done this, for instance.
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: So where's that conversation go from?
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: Why are you bringing this up?
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: Or what is that?
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: Or whatever the case may be.
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: I think what is?
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: that is just explaining it, but more, why are you bringing this up?
• 27:31
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that there's a couple of different ways you can do it, depending on your current state and the way your partner likes to communicate.
• 27:39
  Speaker 3: Sometimes I like to just be honest and be like this is probably going to be awkward, but like it's actually something that I'm kind of interested in.
• 27:49
  Speaker 3: Or after reading about it, I was like, oh gosh, I'd like to learn more about this.
• 27:56
  Speaker 3: I wonder if Dan wants to learn about it with me.
• 27:59
  Speaker 3: Or like that's something that we could explore together.
• 28:01
  Speaker 3: And so when we share the purpose of why we're interested in something, because I want it to make our sex life better, I want to make our connection stronger.
• 28:11
  Speaker 3: I'm trying to spice things up.
• 28:12
  Speaker 3: Even when you say trying to spice things up, sometimes people can get defensive because they're like, oh, it's not spicy enough.
• 28:19
  Speaker 3: Am I failing you in some way?
• 28:21
  Speaker 3: And so, being aware of those kind of how your partner reacts to certain words of like oh, I know that they're going to get defensive if I approach it like this.
• 28:31
  Speaker 3: Or if they're really open-minded, like okay, yeah, cool, like all right, I totally see how that could be something that could like work for us, or I'm interested in learning more.
• 28:39
  Speaker 3: But I think that when we don't explain our intention for introducing something, it raises up suspicion, which automatically puts the other person on the defense.
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely.
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: I love that whole concept of what you just talked about.
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: So you know, and I think if it's not done right, if the relationship isn't strong, it can also create jealousy, concern.
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: You know other issues as well.
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: Where'd you learn about that kind of thing?
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: You know so fantastic.
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: So we're at the end of the show.
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: We got to have you back on, though, cause I feel like I I literally didn't ask one of these questions.
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: It's okay, it happens.
• 29:17
  Speaker 3: All the show we got to have you back on, though, cause I feel like I literally didn't ask one of these questions.
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: It happens all the time.
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: That's the beauty of that's.
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: That's really what I love doing on this podcast is just having organic, real conversations with people you know to get bring value to to the masses, if you will.
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: So, um, fantastic.
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: So how do people reach out to you?
• 29:35
  Speaker 3: Uh, so I'm on the social medias at Courtney Boyer Coaching, and then my website is also CourtneyBoyerCoachingcom.
• 29:43
  Speaker 3: Gmail.
• 29:44
  Speaker 3: Courtneyboyercoaching at gmailcom.
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: Fantastic.
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: So and we talked about this before so well, first, before I forgot all about this, Top right hand corner, Top right hand corner of the screen everybody there's a blue QR code.
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: There you go, Thank you, I appreciate that it's there.
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: Scan that If you're listening on the podcast forums later on empowerperformancestrategiescom Again empowerperformancestrategiescom there are free books that I've written for veterans and their families, separate books as well, as we have Facebook groups for both groups as well.
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: So be part of the community, join us and, and you know, again, be part of that.
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: So now the important part.
• 30:27
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: Three tips to get veterans and their families further faster.
• 30:32
  Speaker 3: One, be willing to advocate for yourself, so both for your partner and also for your own individual self.
• 30:40
  Speaker 3: Two, know that there are other ways and other skills that you can acquire to make your relationship stronger.
• 30:48
  Speaker 3: One is have fun, Like some.
• 31:01
  Speaker 3: Sometimes I forget that this life, especially sex too, like it's it can.
• 31:02
  Speaker 3: It's fun right, Like let's really embrace and it's not to diminish like the serious work that our veterans have done or that our service members have done.
• 31:08
  Speaker 3: Obviously, I know it firsthand, Um, but but gosh, there's so much joy to discover in this life and I really hope that people give themselves permission to experience it.
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: That's fantastic.
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: Enjoy the journey, people.
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: It's not just about the destination.
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: So, amen, absolutely love that.
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: Courtney, it's been an absolute pleasure Again, we would love to have you back on the show again.
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: I think you really scratched the surface.
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: So, with that said, time, the most important resource we have as human beings we do not ever get it back.
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: Thank you for spending this time with us.
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: It's very, very, uh, very valuable and great information.
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: So thank you all.
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: Right, everybody on that note, we're out of here thank you for joining us on another insightful journey of your Thoughts your Reality podcast with your host, michael Cole.
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: We hope the conversation sparked some thoughts that resonate with you.
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: To dive deeper into empowering your thoughts and enhancing your reality, visit empowerperformancestrategiescom.
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: Remember your thoughts shape your reality, so make them count.
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: Until next time, stay inspired and keep creating the reality you desire.
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: Catch you on the next episode.