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205. Answering The Common Questions We Get Asked About Sexual Intimacy · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

0:00
Amy: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
0:07
Amy: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
0:16
Amy: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
0:24
Amy: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
0:41
Nick: Today we are answering the most common questions we get asked about sexual intimacy.
0:46
Nick: This should be a great podcast today.
0:49
Nick: Everyone always loves when we talk about sexual intimacy.
0:53
Amy: That's true, it's just for you.
0:55
Nick: Especially me.
0:56
Nick: That's right.
0:57
Nick: This is a topic I love.
0:58
Amy: I love to talk about it.
1:01
Nick: There are some common questions that we consistently get asked all the time.
1:05
Nick: We've covered them in a lot of other podcast episodes.
1:09
Nick: We thought today we'd answer the most common questions that people have and also direct you to some of the other podcast episodes that we've done that also address some of these things as well.
1:22
Amy: We also took a huge survey on ask us anything.
1:26
Amy: Pretty much it comes to sexual intimacy.
1:28
Amy: A couple of these questions are from a recent poll that we just took.
1:33
Amy: Hopefully we answer them correctly.
1:37
Nick: Of course we will.
1:38
Amy: Remember our disclaimer it's just us and it's just our personal answers.
1:43
Amy: So if you disagree or agree, let us know.
1:47
Nick: It's free advice.
1:49
Amy: So take it for what's at work.
1:50
Amy: Take it for what's at work.
1:51
Nick: Yep.
1:51
Nick: All right, let's jump in.
1:53
Nick: Let's start answering some of these questions.
1:55
Amy: Some of these are really good.
1:58
Amy: Okay, Husband, we got some wives and some husbands that ask questions, but the number question number one how to please my wife sexually.
2:06
Amy: She doesn't like oral and I can't please her with my hand.
2:12
Nick: So we do get a lot of people asking that question saying or similar or similar Like my wife doesn't like certain things or my husband doesn't like certain things.
2:21
Nick: How can I get them more comfortable with enjoying those things?
2:26
Amy: This is a hard answer because there's such a fine line to trying new things and being comfortable with certain things and not pushing certain things, but being okay with certain things.
2:38
Amy: So you know what I'm trying to say.
2:40
Nick: Yeah, absolutely.
2:41
Amy: Like some spouses have grown up where things are bad, so of course you're not going to push things on people.
2:48
Amy: But it's also a fine line of okay.
2:51
Amy: You do have to be willing to try a little bit before you can say you're uncomfortable with it, right, yeah, I think a lot of spouses just make up their mind like I don't want to do that.
3:01
Amy: That's gross, I've never done that.
3:03
Nick: I don't want to try doing that and, like you said, there's a balance.
3:06
Nick: You have to find that balance.
3:07
Nick: But I think too, for a lot of couples it's understanding why do you feel uncomfortable?
3:12
Nick: I think if you can talk about it and have a discussion, say why are you uncomfortable with that?
3:16
Nick: Why is that not something you want to try?
3:19
Nick: Have an open discussion and maybe they've had a bad experience or maybe they yeah, like they just find it disgusting or they don't feel comfortable with it or whatever the reason is.
3:31
Nick: Find out why they're maybe hesitant about wanting to try to do that.
3:35
Nick: Maybe they feel like, oh, that's a bad thing and it's not okay to do that.
3:40
Nick: I mean, we've all been raised with different backgrounds and experiences and you know, I guess just ask those questions, have that discussion and find out why they feel that way and then see if you can approach it that way.
3:53
Nick: But it's, of course, never if your spouse doesn't feel comfortable with something.
3:58
Nick: It's not something you should really push and try to push them into doing something that's uncomfortable.
4:05
Amy: No, I don't think anyone should have to feel uncomfortable, but I do agree with you that it takes some vulnerable conversation, and if there's a way to help them feel more comfortable or to get over that fear or anxiety about it, that's awesome.
4:20
Amy: But that takes conversation.
4:23
Amy: It takes healthy conversation.
4:24
Amy: There's things that we absolutely won't do in our marriage.
4:26
Amy: I won't even entertain the idea.
4:29
Amy: Same with Nick.
4:29
Amy: It takes us having conversations and it takes us being patient and understanding and honest and loving about it right.
4:38
Nick: And I would say I'm not going to say what it is, but I would say there's probably some things too that maybe we didn't feel comfortable with before, that now we absolutely love right.
4:48
Nick: Which takes again open communication and willingness to at least try, if you both consent to that right, but the key is that you're both happy and comfortable in the bedroom and it brings it closer together as a couple.
5:04
Amy: That was a great episode we did.
5:05
Amy: If you don't know if it's good or bad, ask yourself does it bring you closer together as a couple?
5:11
Amy: And there's your answer.
5:12
Amy: But we didn't answer the question quite yet.
5:16
Amy: Mine doesn't like Oral and I can't please her with my hands.
5:20
Amy: There is other ways besides those two ways.
5:25
Amy: So if that's not working and you've discussed this try Outer Course.
5:32
Amy: We'll get into that, because some people are like wait, what does that mean?
5:35
Amy: Try a toy.
5:38
Amy: Hopefully she'll be open to a toy.
5:40
Amy: I wasn't open for years and years and years and years and years and it was life changing for us.
5:44
Amy: So once again, conversations.
5:48
Nick: Yep talking about it.
5:49
Amy: You gotta talk about it and hopefully, if you make her feel comfortable and the fact that she can be open with you and vulnerable, hopefully you get to a point where you can figure out why certain things aren't working and what things you can talk about or try that can help work with that.
6:06
Amy: So Agreed.
6:08
Amy: Question number two that we got Is masturbation ever okay?
6:13
Amy: Obviously, porn is a no-no.
6:15
Amy: Okay, these are just okay.
6:20
Amy: This one we're gonna get controversy on.
6:23
Amy: We know many couples that discuss this in their marriage and find it to be okay.
6:30
Nick: Yeah, they say oh, you can masturbate anytime you want.
6:33
Amy: Yeah, we in our marriage.
6:36
Amy: This is our personal answer.
6:38
Amy: Don't agree with that.
6:40
Amy: Now, every couple's different.
6:42
Amy: We're not judging, we're not saying can or can't.
6:46
Amy: We don't ever get into what people should do or shouldn't do in their bedroom.
6:49
Amy: That's up to you.
6:50
Nick: Yeah.
6:50
Amy: We're very careful with that In our marriage.
6:54
Amy: We have talked about masturbation becoming a let's see to us.
7:00
Amy: We want all intimate things to be intimate together.
7:03
Amy: Is that the right answer for?
7:04
Nick: that, yeah, and I think if it's something like, okay, like you know, your spouse is going through something, or or had a baby, or whatever, I think that's something you should talk about and and as a couple, right.
7:18
Amy: I'm sure there's times where, like medical, major health issues, if you discuss or an open about it, I'm sure you could find some consent and why you might feel like at this time it's a good thing right.
7:33
Amy: Yeah that's just up to your marriage.
7:36
Nick: We're not gonna say Masturbation's okay, it's not okay.
7:40
Nick: That's something for you to determine in your marriage.
7:42
Amy: for Amy and I, we we connect together Intimately and I'll just say this if and we've talked a lot of couples about this and professionals about this we feel like in our marriage that if, if masturbation was okay, then it would take the place once in a while of us being intimate together and we have found a really healthy balance that we're both okay with in our marriage.
8:08
Amy: And so if that was happening in our marriage, it would be more easy to be like for me being the low-desire spouse, to be like just go take care of yourself.
8:16
Amy: Tonight I'm not in the mood where I have challenged myself to be like what?
8:20
Amy: If I'm not in the mood, I Need to get myself in the mood physically, mentally, emotionally, because that's good for our marriage.
8:28
Amy: So I feel like it can become a really damaging thing when you're just okay with it in your marriage, just because it can put a wedge in between your intimate moments together.
8:38
Amy: I think it if I was just like make a take care of yourself tonight, we'll do it next week.
8:42
Amy: Yeah, I could put a real wedge in our intimacy.
8:44
Nick: Well, and at that point, like it'd be, like I think you could see a lot of people just say well, I'm not even gonna try to get my spouse to want to make love, because I don't want to get, I don't want to get denied.
8:55
Nick: Therefore, I'll just go take care of myself right.
8:58
Nick: I think, I think it's gotta be.
9:00
Nick: I don't know again, that's something for you to decide in your relationship, but I do believe that if you're, if you're doing that, you're probably going to have a detrimental impact on on the Intimacy between you absolutely.
9:17
Amy: that's just our thoughts.
9:18
Nick: That's just our thoughts, that's just our thoughts and maybe it works for your marriage and if it does, great great for you, okay.
9:27
Amy: The next question that I got is what to do when you want way more sex than your wife.
9:34
Nick: I don't know what way more sex means.
9:36
Amy: I don't know what way more means, if it's maybe any.
9:39
Amy: If you just want more than your wife, that's one thing.
9:42
Amy: If you're wanting it all the time and she's like, that's not even a healthy balance at all.
9:46
Amy: That's all the right situation, right so?
9:52
Nick: Good episodes to listen to are.
9:54
Nick: You know how you set episode 82, how your husband really feels when you reject him sexually.
9:59
Nick: 123 for the wives who just aren't interested in sexual intimacy.
10:05
Nick: We also just did one.
10:07
Nick: 198 how often should married couples be sexually intimate?
10:10
Nick: What do the statistics tell us is ideal for achieving the greatest happiness?
10:14
Nick: I think you have to sit down as a couple and have that discussion and find a balance.
10:22
Nick: Amy and I talk about this often.
10:23
Nick: When you have a low-desire spouse from the low-desire spouses Outlook, they're they're just going to say, well, if I'm not in the mood, I'm not in the mood.
10:32
Nick: Therefore, you know too bad, too bad.
10:35
Nick: They don't realize the impact that has on the higher-desire spouse.
10:39
Nick: And I think it's so important as we say this all the time and we're just talking about this earlier if something is Important to your spouse, it should be important to you.
10:50
Nick: So if I'm, if Amy's, a low-desire spouse what she is and I'm a high-desire spouse, she understands, or tries to understand, how important sexual intimacy is to me, even though maybe she Doesn't fully understand because she's not a guy.
11:06
Nick: She doesn't get it.
11:07
Nick: But I Think her attitude is like well, it's important to Nick to do this and so it should be important to me, and vice versa.
11:15
Nick: There's things with Amy that if they're important to her, they should be important to me, and so I think it's couples.
11:20
Nick: You kind of have to have that attitude and say, okay, how do we, how do we find a balance that we both can live with, we both can be happy with?
11:28
Nick: It might not be Ideal, might not be perfect, it might not be everything he wants or might not be everything she wants, but how do you find that balance to where it's okay?
11:37
Nick: And so for a man I, you know, we make love about twice a week, right, like I would love to make love more often than that, but I'm not gonna.
11:45
Nick: You know, I'm okay with that.
11:47
Nick: Like I'm okay with twice a week because I understand she's a low-desire spouse and you know she's she's willing to have that balance and there's give and take by both of us, and so that's just as what we found works for us and and I Think it's a win-win right.
12:06
Amy: Yeah, I think that you answered that great.
12:08
Amy: I think in most marriages One spouse and we're not saying it's always the husbands, because, as we've always said, you know, out of our audience and a lot of the surveys that we've done, about 20 to 25 percent of the women have claimed to be the higher-drive spouse, which is which is great, so it can go either ways, but either way it has to be.
12:30
Amy: A healthy balance, takes good communication and it takes giving on both ends.
12:34
Nick: Well, it was what marriage is if you've listened to our podcast, you know we did a podcast I Don't remember the exact title.
12:41
Nick: We basically does your, does your wife control?
12:44
Nick: You know when you're gonna have sexual intimacy and and the truth is it's not always the wife, but it should be replaced as the load as our spouse, and in marriage, it is the load as our spouse that dictates when, if, when and if you're gonna have sex.
12:59
Nick: I mean they, they control that because they are the load as our spouse.
13:02
Nick: And so in that episode we talked about why it's so important to find that balance.
13:08
Amy: And I kind of feel like it's the high-drive Desire, that kind of controls, that, because they're the one asking for it.
13:14
Nick: Yeah, but the load desire that the load desire has to be willing the low desire can reject it anytime.
13:19
Amy: So yeah, I'm not in the mood, and then that's that, right like there's nothing, which if you like we said, if you already listened to us, you already know that rejection hurts, so I try to never reject.
13:29
Amy: But he also doesn't give me an unhealthy balance, so there's no reason to reject a couple times a week.
13:35
Amy: I feel like that's really healthy if, if the emotional and the relationship is awesome, it always comes down to that right.
13:44
Amy: Absolutely Not perfect not perfect, but awesome.
13:46
Amy: The emotional intimacy needs to be awesome.
13:48
Amy: Moving on to the next question, we had a spouse ask us any thoughts on sex during periods.
13:57
Amy: We're getting just awesome random questions because I don't think a lot of people talk about this and this is also gonna cause some controversy, especially me answering this this way.
14:10
Amy: In 21 years of our marriage, we have never not been intimate because I was on my period.
14:19
Amy: I'm just gonna be flat out honest about it.
14:22
Amy: Has that ever stopped our intimate life?
14:23
Nick: Never, yeah, never.
14:24
Amy: Okay.
14:28
Nick: A lot of you are probably thinking well, that's gross, I would never do that.
14:31
Amy: Let's talk about this for a second, and this is why our podcast is around vulnerable right?
14:35
Amy: If you think it's gross, then it shouldn't.
14:44
Amy: Then try making it not gross.
14:48
Amy: And here's my ideas for you Try it in the bath when you're not bleeding you don't bleed in the water.
14:54
Amy: Try it in the shower, keeps it clean.
14:57
Amy: Or try outer course, which is usually our solution, and leave your tampon in and shower first.
15:08
Amy: I mean, those are great solutions, okay.
15:11
Amy: And a lot of women are like well, I don't feel good, I have cramps.
15:14
Amy: Okay.
15:16
Amy: Number one professionals and medical experts have said that one of the best things you can do to get rid of headaches and physical pain is to have sex.
15:26
Amy: It's actually good for your body.
15:28
Amy: Take some my doll, take some Tylenol, whatever.
15:31
Amy: We're already doing that anyways.
15:33
Amy: If we're in that much pain right Now, if it's a really crappy day which I've had crappy days then wait till day two or three and just reject in a kind way, like maybe you know, I'm really not feeling good and that's okay to say often.
15:46
Amy: I'm really not feeling good today.
15:48
Amy: I'm emotionally, physically, whatever it is.
15:51
Amy: If you're on your period and it's a really crappy, for me, it's the first couple of days kind of suck.
15:55
Amy: So if that's the case, express that to your husband in a really kind and respectful way, not like don't touch me, I'm not in the mood.
16:03
Amy: This is why I don't feel good.
16:05
Amy: Maybe we could wait till tomorrow, right Now, for the husbands that might think it's gross which was probably not a whole lot of people because in a mature and loving marriage, like periods are not gross.
16:18
Amy: It's just part of your human body.
16:23
Amy: Let's first talk about outer course.
16:24
Amy: Keep a tamp on it, use lots of lube, because your body obviously is not gonna be making lube.
16:31
Amy: Use lots of lubricant and stay on the outside.
16:34
Amy: You know that we've talked about sex being actually more amazing for women on the outside because the penis is touching the clitoris or rubbing really hard on the clitoris, which is where most women find the best arousal right.
16:50
Amy: So, as a man, if you can stay on the outside and it still feels really good, that is the best solution I got.
16:59
Amy: That's the best solution I got, and there's no reason you need to bleed all over on your period, like either leave one in or you do it in the back of the shower, like I.
17:09
Amy: Just I feel like there's solutions and I feel like periods, unless you're super not feeling good.
17:14
Amy: There's other ways around it.
17:17
Nick: For sure yeah, we've never had issues.
17:19
Amy: We've never had issues, so do you have any other?
17:21
Amy: Did I miss anything?
17:22
Nick: No, you said everything perfectly.
17:24
Nick: I, I think yeah, nothing to add.
17:27
Amy: I think, as women, we forget that like sex can actually, like it really can be good for headaches.
17:32
Amy: I've gone in to making love with a migraine and come out like feeling so much better, so I forget.
17:39
Amy: I think as women, we forget, like we come up with excuses and instead of coming up with excuses, figure out the benefits of not just the physical benefits, but like we're connecting more.
17:51
Amy: I'm not letting this, this physical aspect, harm our intimacy or come between us.
17:58
Nick: You don't need medicine.
17:59
Nick: Let your husband take care of that headache.
18:03
Amy: There are times that you're not gonna feel good, and I'm not saying always do it just because you're on your period.
18:07
Amy: I'm just saying try not to use this excuse.
18:09
Amy: There are other ways to get around than just avoiding sex a week out of every month the whole rest of your life.
18:15
Amy: There are other ways.
18:16
Amy: We've never let it cause a barrier for us.
18:19
Nick: Yeah, and initiating with your husband.
18:22
Nick: I mean, it'll make his whole entire week.
18:25
Amy: Where did that come from?
18:25
Amy: Huh, where did initiating come from?
18:29
Nick: Oh, I'm saying like or like.
18:31
Nick: What I mean is like we're talking about periods.
18:34
Nick: Yeah, but just like being willing or initiating during that time, make your husband's week, I can say, as a woman, if you're on your period, you're probably not gonna be initiating that week.
18:44
Amy: It's probably not gonna be a high on your mind About being willing.
18:48
Amy: Being willing yeah, being willing is one thing.
18:51
Amy: Okay, next question Ooh, this is a hard one and we're gonna do a podcast really soon on this.
19:00
Amy: But how can I encourage my wife to check low libido levels when she doesn't see it as a problem?
19:07
Amy: You know our story, oh, you gotta answer that one.
19:12
Amy: You know our story.
19:13
Amy: No, I'm gonna let you answer it.
19:15
Nick: Well, we were at dinner one night and I said you know, yeah, have you ever thought about getting your libido checked?
19:23
Amy: And that was I don't know what did I say to that?
19:26
Nick: I don't remember.
19:27
Nick: I remember that was probably the wrong question to ask.
19:29
Amy: Actually you didn't say that.
19:30
Amy: You said honey, maybe you should get your hormone levels checked, maybe you'll have more energy.
19:35
Amy: And I was like you're not worried about my energy.
19:37
Amy: You're worried about my libido.
19:40
Nick: Energy.
19:40
Nick: Slash energy in the bedroom.
19:44
Amy: Plenty of energy in the bedroom, I just don't initiate.
19:46
Amy: Okay, let's talk about this for a minute how to get someone to want to check their low libido when it's not really affecting them?
19:58
Nick: Without causing a big argument, or without being offended or without coming across rude.
20:05
Amy: Okay, if something isn't natural for you, are you gonna naturally try and fix it?
20:09
Amy: No, if it's not an issue, if I don't think there's a problem?
20:13
Nick: No, of course not.
20:14
Amy: Okay.
20:14
Amy: So the average wife, the average wife who doesn't have a high drive and Doesn't even realize she's got a low libido issue because sex isn't naturally on her mind like her husband, it's not naturally gonna think oh, I have this big problem, I should go get it fixed.
20:31
Amy: It's usually gonna be like the husband pointing that out, right?
20:36
Nick: Absolutely.
20:37
Amy: So in this situation he's saying my wife doesn't see, is it a problem?
20:41
Amy: How do I tell her it's a problem?
20:43
Amy: So what's the best way to do that?
20:47
Nick: That is a tough question.
20:48
Nick: Yeah, because I mean that's what we that was our problem.
20:52
Nick: That was our problem.
20:54
Amy: It's, it's hard for a man or a wife.
20:56
Amy: It doesn't matter who you are.
20:58
Amy: If something's not natural for you, you're not gonna just think I need to go fix this problem.
21:04
Nick: Yeah, you're just not like, okay, let me throw out another analogy.
21:08
Amy: Okay, so a wife is complaining that and I've done this before, nick knows this Complaining that the kitchen's a mess.
21:15
Amy: There's dishes in the sink.
21:16
Amy: Why don't you just I'm laughing because everyone's guilty of this Can't you see that this is a problem?
21:23
Amy: Why do I have to keep asking about this?
21:25
Amy: A husband is technically be like oh well, it's really not that messy and I didn't really think it was this massive problem.
21:32
Amy: Like sometimes we're just oblivious to things that we don't find a problem in the marriage, right For sure.
21:37
Amy: So I mean, this could be lots of different analogies, but for a wife Like I'm not, if I'm not craving sex, I'm not really thinking I'm a massive.
21:48
Nick: I have a big problem that needs to be fixed yeah, and I think it comes back to sitting down and having that conversation and, you know, being honest and just talking about it and and saying, okay, if you know, if you don't want to check that out, how do we, how do we find a good balance?
22:09
Nick: How do we, how do we get to where we want to be?
22:12
Nick: And maybe that Require some help, maybe it doesn't.
22:15
Nick: I think if you were to ask most women if they would like to have a good sex drive or Crave sexual intimacy, I would think that most women would say, yeah, I would like to have that desire, like you do.
22:29
Amy: I agree with that.
22:29
Amy: I agree that women would love that.
22:32
Nick: So you know, maybe that's a question to ask and Just to bring up the conversation is hey, you know I have a lot higher sexual desire, sex drive, than you do.
22:41
Nick: Is that something that you know?
22:45
Nick: Do you ever wish you had that desire?
22:47
Nick: Do you wish you had that drive?
22:48
Nick: You know what are your thoughts on that and maybe you know, bring it up that way because I bet most women would say, yeah, I wish I had a High sex drive like my, my husband does and maybe you bring up the past, because I hear from a lot of husbands.
23:01
Amy: They're like my wife had a high drive when we were first married or the first couple years or whatever, and then it's just kind of died down, like maybe bring that up that up, like Do you remember when we were both craving each other and we both like wanted it all the time?
23:13
Amy: Like maybe have those conversations.
23:16
Nick: Do you feel like you were like that?
23:18
Amy: I feel like my drive has gone down with age.
23:19
Nick: Yeah, I've also had four children.
23:21
Amy: I've ran businesses.
23:22
Amy: I've been stressed out like but, just a lot of things that get us Emotionally or mentally as women.
23:29
Nick: So I think I think this is a great example too.
23:32
Nick: We've hit on this before, but a lot of men, a lot of men Tell us that, oh, when we first got married, we were making love all the time and my wife wanted it all the time, and this and that we heard that a lot right.
23:45
Nick: Right.
23:45
Nick: So I think for a lot of men they say you know, it started out like that and now it's completely died to where she just doesn't desire it anymore.
23:54
Nick: So they're wondering why that happened.
23:56
Nick: I wondering you know, why did it start out this way?
23:59
Nick: What changed to get it to where this is?
24:01
Nick: Something changed and so I think husbands are coming from a sincere place to say you know, I missed that.
24:09
Nick: What?
24:09
Nick: What changed?
24:10
Nick: How do we get that back?
24:11
Nick: And I understand life changes.
24:13
Nick: I understand you have kids and you have the stresses of work and all these different things Going on.
24:18
Nick: I totally get it.
24:19
Nick: So this was probably sound a lot better if it was coming from you rather than from me, a guy, but I think you know.
24:26
Nick: That's maybe that's one of the ways the conversation we brought up.
24:30
Amy: Well, I totally admit that I look back at the first couple years and I'm like I would love to have that drive back.
24:35
Amy: And so if a wife is willing to admit that things have changed or maybe she's not doing so well in this aspect Like when Nick brought that up I was like, just be honest with me, my sex drive sucks and that's why you want me to my levels check.
24:47
Amy: So guess what I did?
24:47
Amy: I went and got my levels checked.
24:49
Amy: We're in the middle of that process right now because I would love to Crave it as much as you.
24:55
Nick: I would love that and I think most women, like you said, would and I think we need to admit that in Life, whether for a husband or a wife, like, things just change over time.
25:05
Nick: Right, like what?
25:06
Nick: The way we were 20 years ago might be different, the way we are now with our energy levels, with our sex drive or libido and things like that.
25:14
Nick: So why, why are we fighting it?
25:17
Nick: Why are we not saying, yeah, you know, we have changed, my body has changed and Maybe we should look at some options because things have changed over the past 20 years.
25:27
Nick: How do we get it back to where maybe we want it to be?
25:30
Amy: and maybe accept that it maybe won't ever be back where it was.
25:33
Amy: But how do we come compromise and find that healthy balance and make it better the way it is now correct?
25:39
Nick: Yeah, and we say this all the time.
25:41
Nick: Just, sexual intimacy is vital to a happy marriage.
25:48
Nick: Like we just did the podcast not too long ago of talking about how statistics and facts show that Couples should be having sexual intimacy once to twice a week and the couples that are having sexual intimacy one to two times a week are the happiest couples.
26:04
Nick: So that is what we all should probably strive to do, or to find that balance to Be the happiest we can be.
26:13
Nick: It's not fair for a couple to, you know, like Amy said, for a low-desire spouse to just say you know, I'm not, not in the mood, therefore we're never gonna be sexually intimate.
26:25
Nick: That's not fair, it really isn't for sure, 100%, okay.
26:29
Amy: Next question we got asked is All about prioritizing.
26:33
Amy: This couple says we can never find the time for sexual intimacy.
26:37
Amy: It's not a priority.
26:39
Amy: What can we do?
26:41
Nick: Yeah, we hear this all the time that Everything on the to-do list comes first comes first and sexual intimacy is always last.
26:49
Nick: And because sexual intimacy is always last on the list, most people don't get through their list, or they do, and they're totally exhausted by the end of the day, and sex just isn't a priority.
27:00
Nick: We've talked about this.
27:02
Nick: In episode 104.
27:04
Nick: We talk about why we've completely changed our mindset about scheduling sex.
27:08
Nick: It's vital to make time for the things in your life that are most important to you or your spouse?
27:17
Amy: What's most important to your spouse?
27:19
Nick: Exactly right.
27:20
Nick: Scheduling sex.
27:21
Nick: We've talked about this often, but it's a great thing.
27:24
Nick: It's a great thing to make that time and have that on the calendar, so to speak.
27:30
Nick: It gives you that time to prepare mentally, gives you the time to prepare physically, to be thinking about that, knowing that that's something you're gonna do, you know, later that evening or whatever, and I just want to say you prioritize what's important to you.
27:50
Amy: If your spouse is important to you, if you love your spouse, if you love your marriage, if you want a good marriage, you've got to make things that are important to your spouse important to you, right?
28:01
Nick: Yeah, you have to talk about needs and you have to prioritize those and it's such, it's such BS to say that, oh, we just don't have time for it.
28:09
Nick: I agree like that, that's so ridiculous.
28:12
Nick: Like you don't have time for 15 to 20 minutes to connect with your spouse.
28:17
Nick: Like, yeah, maybe you're tired.
28:20
Nick: I get it but it's not like you're going and running a marathon.
28:24
Nick: It's not taking all your energy.
28:25
Nick: It's something that you can connect with very, very little time and, yeah, maybe you have to do it at 11 o'clock at night, but you can make time for it.
28:35
Nick: It's not something.
28:37
Nick: Using the excuse that we don't have time for it is a book is just crap.
28:44
Amy: Nick starting to get heated.
28:45
Nick: That's the joke, Well.
28:46
Amy: I have to say we've got four kids.
28:48
Amy: We got a house full of teens sometimes it's midnight, sometimes it's 12, 30.
28:53
Amy: You don't think we're tired every single time we make love, every single time?
28:59
Amy: You think there's ever been a time that we weren't tired?
29:02
Amy: Everybody's tired, I don't care if it's in the middle of night, if it's in the morning, if it's at night, like if you're an adult, you're always tired, right?
29:10
Amy: Yeah, sometimes it's at 12 30 am, sometimes it's at 10 am when the kids are at school and we have 20 minutes and you make time for the things that are important to you and you make time for the things that are important to your spouse, even if you don't think they're important.
29:25
Amy: That's what marriage is Right.
29:28
Nick: Absolutely.
29:28
Nick: That's what marriage is.
29:30
Amy: So find 20 minutes a couple times a week I mean, I just stated this in a recent podcast already, I know but there's like over 10,000 minutes in your week, you can't find an 60, you can't find 60 out of 10,000.
29:44
Amy: Connect intimately with your spouse, like just put that into perspective.
29:48
Nick: Yeah, exactly.
29:49
Nick: So one of the other questions we got asked is what are the best ways to talk about sex as a couple without having it cause an argument?
29:57
Amy: Oh, we hear that a lot we hear that all the time.
29:58
Nick: Every time a spouse brings up sex, it causes an argument.
30:02
Nick: We did we did a podcast episode on this one 38 Sex expectations and marriage and why you need to talk about them together.
30:13
Nick: Go listen to that episode.
30:15
Nick: But I Think when you sit down and you talk about it, it's you know.
30:21
Nick: You need to use I statements instead of pointing the finger, instead of pointing the finger at your spouse and saying you just never want to have sex and you just don't care about me and this and that, use I statements and express I feel like this and here's why I feel like this, instead of blaming or accusing your spouse, and really sit back and listen to what they have to say and then, you know, try to try to have that understanding.
30:49
Amy: And I want to say for women or not just women, but sometimes husbands the low drive spouse, like you have to, you just have to be willing to talk about it and listen about it and understand where your spouse is coming from in this situation.
31:09
Amy: Like you've got to care I always talk about, like you've got to care about how your spouse is feeling.
31:15
Nick: Yeah, for sure.
31:16
Nick: So hopefully that gave you a little bit of insight of what you can do to have better communication, to have better sexual intimacy in your relationship, and we appreciate you answering our polls and our questions.
31:32
Amy: We've got to cut off the questions for today, but we'll do another episode like this because we get lots.
31:37
Amy: Hopefully that answers some of those hard.
31:39
Amy: A couple of those were kind of tricky.
31:41
Nick: Yeah, and if you have, you know we have some great products.
31:45
Nick: We talk about this all the time but we have some great products that can really enhance your sexual intimacy in your relationship.
31:52
Nick: I know a lot of people are scared to try those things but, like Amy and I have said, it truly has been a game changer and arm adge and whether you buy something from us or whether you go somewhere else, that's fine.
32:04
Nick: Just find something, be willing to find something or try something.
32:09
Amy: I really think it can help make a difference in your relationship and in the intimacy and I also wanted to add, on top of products that are found at shopultimateintimacycom, a lot of some of these answers or questions that we got.
32:23
Amy: Some of these answers could be found in our resource section on the app.
32:27
Amy: So if you don't already have the app, download the app in the app stores, ultimateintimacy or go to ultimateintimacycom and you can find the links to get the app.
32:35
Amy: But if you go to the resources section, we have tons of articles from marriage professionals, health professionals that can talk about techniques to try anatomy, just emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, all those different aspects really some really really good articles that can help with some of these answers.
32:56
Amy: So if you didn't like our answers, you can go get answers from someone else.
33:00
Nick: Oh, how could we not like our answers?
33:02
Nick: All right, Until next time.
33:05
Nick: We hope each of you find ultimateintimacy in your relationship.