Latest / The Christy-Faith Show / Ep. 139 - Teen Homeschooling: How to Build Independence Without Losing Connection | Smooth Days Part 3

Transcript

Ep. 139 - Teen Homeschooling: How to Build Independence Without Losing Connection | Smooth Days Part 3 · The Christy-Faith Show

• 0:00
  Christy-Faith: Welcome to the podcast series, how to get smooth homeschool days. We're gonna break this up into four parts to take some pressure off your shoulders and bring joy back into your home. A teenager is not just a bigger elementary kid, and they're not an adult either. So if you're still trying to manage their schedule like you did when they were eight, you are heading for a battleground. In episode three, we're gonna explore the biology of the teen brain.
• 0:23
  From the shift in their circadian rhythms to the remodeling of their prefrontal cortex. Your job now is to hand over the school day on purpose one piece at a time while staying the safe person they come back to time and time again. I'm so excited about this show because we're gonna talk about procrastination, mood management, if you know you know, and how to stop being the schedule police. Let's match our expectations with their needs so we can have smooth homeschool days with our teenager. If you're homeschooling a teenager right now, take a deep slow breath.
• 1:04
  Doesn't it feel like not that long ago, this huge teenager was just a little seven or eight year old child who sat on your lap during read alouds and eagerly showed you their pages or the frog that they brought in from outside. Fast forward to today, blink of an eye, doesn't it feel like the rules of gravity have shifted? The child who used to just trail behind you now wants their bedroom door shut. The kid who was once cooperative, maybe, doesn't engage like they used to, doesn't wanna hear all of your amazing, wonderful advice anymore. And maybe you have found yourself in the pattern of enforcer constantly checking on things, reminding them of things, worrying about things.
• 1:41
  And I think that underneath all of that is just this quiet thought, like, I losing them? First off, for those of you who are still homeschooling your teens and tweens, kudos to you. We are in a special club. A lot of people quit by this time. It's just too intimidating.
• 1:57
  Coursework feels bigger than the parents' abilities. Parenting itself is hard enough of a struggle to add homeschooling to it feels just too much. I'm so proud of you. I'm here with you. Yay.
• 2:08
  I think these are the most fun years I have had yet in homeschooling. So I am so excited to do this show today. And the core concept that I wanna make sure that we talk about today is that our teenagers still need healthy attachment to us. It looks different for sure than when they were little, but they still desperately need us. So even though it might feel like days where they're pushing you away or that you're failing, I want you to know that you're not.
• 2:33
  You're not broken, your teenager is not broken, and your relationship is probably not broken either. It's just the new phase. A lot of us might think that we're experiencing rebellion, but I wanna shift that a little bit because there is some biology and developmental stuff going on here that we need to talk about. Because a teenager is not just a bigger elementary kid. Homeschooling a teen is a totally different job, and we're carrying two pretty heavy roles.
• 2:55
  We're the teacher and we're the mom. And I do think that is a lot easier in the younger years. Maybe because developmentally kids are just easier to figure out. Teenagers tend to have quite a bit of an internal life, and it's hard to draw them out sometimes. It's intimidating.
• 3:09
  Today, we're gonna look at the actual science of the teen brain and talk about why teens act the way they do, how to set up a school day that works with their biology, and how to protect your connection above anything else. Doesn't this sound like a great show? And even if you have younger kids, please listen. I want you to make it all the way to the finish line with your homeschooling. And I am having a blast.
• 3:31
  Right now, I have a high schooler and two junior hires, and I wake up every morning excited to see everybody. If you're just joining us in this series, this episode is episode three of a four part series, how to get smooth homeschool days. What we've done is we've organized this series to follow kind of the natural developmental rhythms of kids. In episode one, we went deep into the earlier years, preschool through second grade. In episode two, we tackled the elementary years.
• 3:56
  This is episode three, teens and tweens. And then the next episode, episode four, is how to manage it all. All different grade levels, all under one roof. This has been a fun ride. I've been loving this series.
• 4:07
  So today, in episode three, we are going to step into the high stakes battlefield of the teenager, the angst, and all of it, ages 12 to 17. And I like to think of this phase as kind of our role as shifting from manager to maybe more of a consultant role. And I promise to get into the biology, and that's what we're gonna do. First thing we're gonna talk about is sleep. So the first thing we really need to understand about teenagers is the biological floor underneath every cognitive skill.
• 4:36
  If your teenager is short on sleep, they have less attention, less emotional control, and less patience. Sounds like me. So I'd like to advise parents that before you go diagnosing an attitude problem or something bigger, please first just look at your teenager's sleep. Often, they are staying up way later than they should be. Those are unsupervised hours anyway.
• 4:56
  If you're asleep, danger zone, because arrested teenager is quite frankly a more pleasant one. So here's what's happening in their brain with sleep. So at puberty, a child's internal body clock shifts. Melatonin, the hormone that opens the doorway to sleep, starts releasing one to two hours later in the evening and then shuts off later in the morning. This was famously proven by a lab at Brown University.
• 5:19
  We all think our teenagers are sleeping in because they're lazy. They're not. It's biological. They need the sleep. A teenager's clock, they found runs one to two hours behind an adult's.
• 5:29
  The American Academy of Sleep Medicine states that teenagers need eight to ten hours of sleep. And let me tell you, that alone is a reason to be homeschooling. What a massive lever for us. We can start our school day later. And what I've observed with those thousands of teenagers that we worked with at our center, those kids are pulling all nighters for tests.
• 5:49
  I can't think of a single one of those kids that we worked with that was getting the amount of sleep they needed. With their academic load, their sports load, their extracurriculars, you name it. So it is okay to start your homeschool day with your teenager at nine or 10:00. A well rested teenager is a completely different student. Okay.
• 6:06
  Now let's talk about their cognitive attention budget. And we gotta talk about age ranges here because a 12 year old's brain is way different than a 17 year old's brain. So for a 12 to 14 year old, they can comfortably sustain about forty five minutes on a single subject before focus drops, typically. For 15 to 18 year olds, we're looking at forty five to sixty minutes. Now this is the standard practitioner range.
• 6:30
  Not every kid needs to fit there. And don't forget, when they can play video games for two hours but fall apart over fifteen minutes of grammar, remember, those are run by two different brain systems. We talked about this in the other two episodes as well. Same principles here. There's a difference between chosen activities and non chosen activities.
• 6:47
  When a teenager is working on a particular subject in school that they did not choose for pleasure or leisure, that subject has to be actively steered by their own brain using a steering muscle that is still under heavy construction. Now, where is that construction happening? It's happening in the prefrontal cortex. It's the area of the brain that handles executive functioning planning, prioritizing, estimating time, and managing impulses. During these years, we get so frustrated that our teenager can't manage their own time, but they literally can't always manage their own time.
• 7:18
  This is undergoing massive remodeling all through their teen years and even in their mid twenties. And then meanwhile, the brain systems that care about reward and peers are already maturing and running fast. This is why a teenager can hold an adult level conversation about history on Sunday, but failed to start the essay they agreed was so important on Tuesday. Think about it this way, knowing and doing run on different hardware. At ages 12 to 14, that gap is the absolute whitest.
• 7:48
  This is why moms would come to our center with their 12, 13, 14 year old boy at their wit's end, no idea what to do. The academics were at higher demand than the boys were able to handle, and they came to me and said, Christy, take them. Call me when the work is done. And I said, you got it. And we did it.
• 8:03
  What is missing is not intelligence. It's the coordinator. Now in a school, bells and a syllabus do that job, and at home, they have us. But because there aren't bells, sometimes we end up being that voice of structure. And then what can happen is that voice of structure can sound and feel to both of you like nagging.
• 8:23
  And so what is the fix? What do our kiddos need? Scaffolding, external structures that aren't us. Things like written checklist, visual timers, outside deadlines, and dare I say learning some things the hard way. But establishing those external structures is only half the battle.
• 8:39
  What happens when the struggle isn't about physical timers or checklists, but a much more intense and confusing emotional shift? What if your teen is starting to pull away, wanting the door closed and caring far more about their friends than family. Are you actually losing them, or is something else going on? We'll look at the surprising data on this right after the break. As you guys know, this show is free to you because our sponsors make it free, and I love them.
• 9:02
  So make sure to click on the links. If you're buying that kind of stuff anyway, man, please click the links and check out what they're doing. We love our sponsors, and as you know, podcasts are not an inexpensive thing to produce. So it is a wonderful way to say thank you. And also, don't forget to like and subscribe or give me the stars if I deserve it.
• 9:19
  Those little robots behind the screen, they push out episodes that have a lot of engagement. So if you like watching this show and you think a friend could benefit from it, send it to her. Comment a word of encouragement. Ask a question. We read all the comments.
• 9:31
  And they help boost the show and put it in front of more eyeballs. So thank you so much. It fills my cup. It really does. Homeschooling four kids means I'm juggling roughly 24 different subjects at any given time.
• 9:43
  And a few years back during a particularly busy season, I hit a wall. I needed some serious help with the heavy lifting of teaching everything myself and managing schedules for four kids. That's when I found BJU Press Homeschool, and we've loved their courses so much that we keep going back. Some families use them for everything and love it. I use them for certain subjects.
• 10:02
  Either way, total mental load relief. Here's what my mornings look like now. Let us take science for example. My three girls do that one together. They fire up the lesson taught by a real teacher, well produced, actual teaching, not just click through busy work.
• 10:16
  And I sit there with my coffee, watch them, or make breakfast, and we discuss the big ideas. Every BJU Press homeschool course prioritizes critical thinking, a biblical worldview, and hands on learning. I just guide the conversation and pick which activity or pages or projects we want to do, and everything's already planned out. They have an online platform included for you called the homeschool hub, and it keeps everyone on track, both me and my kids, without micromanaging or nagging. And when I have questions, I call my homework's consultant.
• 10:44
  These people don't just help you get set up. They're available for you whenever you need them. It's like having a homeschool expert on speed dial. Go to bjupresshomeschool.com or click the link in the show notes to find out more. I wanna talk about homeschool math for a minute, specifically CTC Math, who I'm so glad is sponsoring this episode because you need to know about them.
• 11:05
  I'm picky about curriculum, and there are a few subjects I won't compromise on, and math is on the top of that list. CTC math is what I use with all four of my kids, and it's an excellent k to 12 math program. Rigorous, thorough, comprehensive, everything I want my kids to have in their math education. But without all the stress, the tears, and me having to learn long division all over again. Here's what happens at our house now.
• 11:32
  My kids log in. A real math teacher walks them through the lesson four to nine minutes clear step by step. They do their lesson and finish up with practice problems. The program grades them, and I don't have to remember how to do fractions with unlike denominators or where exactly they left off last week, which means I get to be the mom in the room. I can sit nearby, listen in, encourage, fold the laundry, and watch math get done beautifully.
• 11:59
  Easier on mom? No sacrifice on academics? Yes, please. Join me and tens of thousands of homeschool families using CTC Math for their go to math curriculum. Link's in the show notes.
• 12:11
  Grab your free trial today, and you'll see why we love it for our kids. Hey, welcome back. Alright. We're gonna talk about the emotional baseline of a teenager. And if we don't make efforts to understand what's going on with them, it's really easy to treat what is just biology as more, maybe a relationship problem.
• 12:30
  Maybe we will start to feel rejected, and we'll start chasing them and smothering them, and nobody wants that. That's just gonna damage connection and be annoying. We're already annoying enough. So a closed door is not an awful thing. It's just a teenager doing the hard work of growing up.
• 12:45
  So I came across some data from Reed Larson's lab tracking teen moods, and it revealed two crucial facts. Number one, daily mood naturally becomes less positive across early adolescence leveling off around tenth grade. So this is a normal developmental dip, not apparent failure. They have more analytical reasoning. They can observe the world better, and not everything they see is that great.
• 13:08
  I mean, let's be honest. And then number two, between the ages of 10 and 18, the amount of time a teenager spends with family drops by more than half. But what's interesting is the actual amount of time they spend talking with parents remains completely steady. So even though it feels like they're leaving you, they might just be leaving the room. At least in our home, the conversations have shifted.
• 13:28
  Our teens and tweens in our home, when we're wrapping up for the evening and Scott and I are brushing our teeth and I'm washing my face, everybody piles in and we start talking about lots of stuff. And I have often thought to myself, like, we could have talked about this earlier today when I wasn't so tired, but that's their time. This is when they wanna process the world with us, and it's not forever, so I'm here for it. I actually shifted my bedtime earlier to account for a full hour. I've tracked it for a while, and I realized, wow, this could go one to two hours before we finally kick everybody out of our room.
• 14:00
  So now I account for it. I have to be an early riser, so I head up at eight. Conflict also changes during this time. So when kids are younger, they tend to get upset and explosive a lot, but teenagers feel like they're ruminating a little bit more. So the consistency of arguments goes down in adolescence, but the emotional heat actually goes up.
• 14:21
  So what this means is that with a 15 year old, you will argue less often than when they were 12, but when you do, it might feel hotter. And what are these fights about? A lot of them are about personal domain, hair, clothes, music, free time, prioritizing, schedules. They're in this weird time where they want your vote, but they also don't wanna be told what to do. There can be a lot of friction there.
• 14:44
  Our teens and tweens do need more autonomy. So in terms of shifting the homeschooling, if you are still involved in every single subject all throughout the day, creating the scaffolding for them, reminding them what to do, all of the things that's probably not the best thing for them. These are those wonderful years where they don't get rescued all of the time, and they can learn those hard lessons. And then you are the safe place to land to help them. What does this look like tangibly?
• 15:09
  Well, separate workspaces. I think that maybe with some subjects, it turns into a weekly check-in if possible. Maybe some subjects are two times a week. Maybe some are once a day, but certainly not hovering. Letting them flex those independence muscles are so important right now.
• 15:24
  High school is the first stretch of homeschooling with outside stakes. And though we've talked about how to build out your homeschooling high school and all of that, I have episodes on that. What I think matters the most during these years is making sure that our kids learn how to work and how to work in the ways that work best for them. So here's a general landscape. Let's talk about seventh and eighth grade.
• 15:45
  This is the time where math is moving to pre algebra or algebra one. Writing now shifts towards structured essays with a thesis statement, research papers, cited sources. I like to see kids at these ages working four to five hours a day with 60 to 75% of it being independent by eighth grade. Now these are rule of thumb. And if you're wondering about my house, this is pretty much where we are.
• 16:08
  And I have all different types of learners in my home. I source my curriculum well. I make sure it's a fit for every one of my kiddos, and then I set them up for success. And by the way, I spend a lot of time in the beginning of the year building out a doable schedule with margin, making sure they're all set up with their workspaces, the portals, and all of the things. And we print out a schedule.
• 16:29
  And with each and every subject, I add fifteen minutes to how much time that subject actually takes. Because life happens and you need a snack. And I have just loved seeing the ownership of the days blossom and hearing my kids strategize when they're gonna do what or who... When this one's gonna get the computer for the typing practice and what the other one's gonna work on while they have the computer and things like that. What amazing conversations.
• 16:53
  Okay. Let's talk about ninth and tenth grade. This is when we're building a transcript. We are counting hours for credits. I am a huge believer, and I've done an episode on this, how to plan for homeschooling high school.
• 17:05
  But I advise homeschooling parents to do it the same way that I advise parents who were aiming for Ivy League schools when we used to advise them. And that is plan backwards. Look at where your child will probably end up going, what those requirements are for whatever that is. It can be college. It can be other things.
• 17:22
  And make sure the high school coursework sets them up. The last thing you want is to have your 18 year old scrambling to take a class because they didn't have enough credits. You know, whereas in the younger years, you kinda could just do what you want. In the high school years, you can do that too, but you need to be mindful about what that doing what you want is going to count as. And you can be smart about it.
• 17:44
  It can be completely fun, but we don't want doors closed. It is very typical for a high schooler to be working five to six hours a day on their coursework with long term projects and essays and reports and presentations and all of the things. And then in eleventh and twelfth grade, they're preparing for the big transition. I would hope that a senior is running 80 to 90% of their school day independently, that whatever college preparatory plans you guys have discussed, you've been doing that together, maybe having them handle a lot of it with your supervision. They're still kids.
• 18:16
  And where moms and dads can tend to overreach here is when the parent is trying to do every single subject, grading every single thing. You don't have to do it that way. There are so many amazing resources, online schools for homeschoolers, self paced classes, dual enrollment, all sorts of things. So take advantage of what's out there and build a really cool high school experience. And of course, this goes without saying, this is the time that it is okay for kids to learn from their mistakes, to experience some natural consequences like missing a deadline.
• 18:44
  And yes, us cringing that it's happening because we see it happening, but we gotta let them do it. And it is scary sometimes. But ultimately, most of those decisions aren't gonna change where they end up. But we really are doing them a favor when we give them a space to make those mistakes while they're still in our homes. So how do we transition them safely?
• 19:03
  Well, we use a ladder of ownership. Let's talk about what that gradual release looks like. Okay? So if we're thinking about a ladder, let's talk about rung one, maybe seventh grade. This is where you can plan, but they execute.
• 19:16
  You can give them a clear daily checklist, and they can choose the order, and you can check-in at a set time. Rung two on the ladder can look like you setting the week's requirements maybe, and then they plan their days. Maybe you have a twenty minute meeting on a Sunday to lay out the week, and then you check-in midweek regarding their progress and if they need any help or support. And of course, you're offering that all throughout the days. Rung three on the ladder looks like kiddos managing their own courses.
• 19:41
  You're more like the registrar and the safe place to land. This could look like you may be checking in only once a week and stepping in only if they ask or if something is in danger of going under. And then rung four, this is where your kiddo runs their day, and you are more like their consultant, their adviser. Now the mistake that we can easily make by accident with this is handing over responsibility without handing over decision making power. Now you've probably heard of self determination theory.
• 20:10
  It is very well studied. And what it reminds us is that human motivation depends on three things, autonomy, competence, and connection. Every step of that ladder must come with real meaningful choices about order, schedule, and workspace. This is hard to do, especially as homeschooling parents when we've taken on the responsibility of our kids' education, then to kind of slowly hand it over to them over the four years of high school feels scary, but it truly is setting them up in the best possible way for what we want. We want adults who can manage their own lives well.
• 20:47
  Okay. So we've mapped out the ladder of autonomy, but what happens when that ladder completely breaks down? What do you do when your teenager shuts down, slides their headphones on, looks at you in the eye, and says, I don't care, and I wanna go to real school? How do we handle that moment? The answer is simple.
• 21:02
  We'll talk about how to answer that question right after this. I have to tell you about something because it falls squarely in the category of things I wish someone had told me sooner. Real quick sponsor moment. Don't fast forward. We love our sponsors.
• 21:14
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• 21:25
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• 21:44
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• 22:04
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• 22:24
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• 22:35
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• 22:47
  Make sure to tell them that you're a listener of the show because I want you to have the VIP treatment. Summithealthshare.com. Link is in the show notes. You know how when you meet another homeschool family and you end up talking for, an hour? Swapping recommendations, sharing what's working, telling them about the pediatrician who actually gets it, where to get the best deal on sprouted flour.
• 23:06
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• 23:24
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• 23:41
  Support the people who support you at the christyfaithlist.com. Okay. So what do we do when our teenager shuts down? When they completely block us out of their lives? Or they tell us they don't wanna homeschool anymore.
• 23:54
  They wanna go to public high school or private high school. In the younger years, a child melts down and cries. But what happens with teenagers is they'll get quiet or maybe say, I don't care. Now it's really important for us here as parents to stay calm, easier said than done, and and put on our investigation hats. There could be so many reasons why our teenagers tell us this, and it's so important that we hear them out.
• 24:18
  If it's the coursework, your homeschooling coursework they're feeling overwhelmed with, well, maybe they need help with that. I have talked to so many parents whose kids ask them to go to school, and in almost every case, that ask was standing for a legitimate developmental need. Like, maybe they want peers every day. Maybe they wanna feel normal, and they don't feel normal. Maybe they want a teacher who isn't mom.
• 24:40
  Maybe they want school to be easier, or maybe they're craving to experience a bigger world. What you have to remember, especially if they've never been in school, is they really don't know what it's like. And this is not a rejection of us. Think about it. A lot of us suffer from the grass always being greener.
• 24:55
  These are healthy signs of growing up, and these are conversations that you really need to lean into. When they say something like that or equally as startling, follow a twenty four hour rule, please, where you do not defend, you do not argue, you don't cry in front of them, you just say, okay, I hear you. This is something that I wanna think about and talk further about. Then in twenty four hours or maybe later, you can ask a sideways question. Like, what would school give you that you feel like you don't have right now?
• 25:23
  And then simply listen and keep asking questions. Don't rebuttal their answers. Just keep asking. Make mental notes, maybe even write down notes. By the second or third response, you will find the real actionable need.
• 25:36
  Because the truth is there is nothing in the schools, and there is nothing the schools can give our kids that we can't give them even better. Nothing. We might have to pivot, make some changes, but it is so important that we listen. And remember, decisions don't have to be made right away. You could set a date for another discussion.
• 25:54
  Try a particular solution for a semester, for example, and then check-in again. This is more common than you think. I know so many homeschooling parents whose kids ask them to go to school. They try it, and then after a couple of weeks, the kids were like, yeah. Bad idea.
• 26:09
  That might feel risky, but if you've built a really beautiful cool homeschooling life that's efficient and they can get all their work done in a matter of hours, and then they have to go to school and sit through all of that, it's not that risky. I mean, school is kinda awful. Remember? And again, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you the right decision for your family or you need to do this or you don't need to do this. It really is your family and your kiddo.
• 26:32
  And you know what? When you start having those real conversations with your teenager and they feel heard, the data shows that our teenagers respond really well to that. They're respected. They're not talked down to, and they respect you more. I think the cool thing about having a teenager is that the relationship isn't a closed book.
• 26:50
  And what I see happening in my own home is that my kids as they are getting older, they're starting to help write that book. Now, if you are struggling right now with your relationship, with your teenager, I wanna give you an action step. Okay? The first thing that I think to try is silent. Stop the audit.
• 27:08
  Stop the nagging. Stop all of it for one solid week. Cut your corrective interactions in half at least. If you tell them that you wanna change the relationship and turn it around while you're still policing their schedule, it will come off as insincere. And then after a week of backing off, make one clean honest statement.
• 27:28
  Keep it short without tears or defensiveness and say something like this. I wanna say I'm sorry. I look back at our relationship recently, and I've been acting like the scheduled police. And I don't think that's been good for either of us, and I'm going to change that. I'm not gonna stop caring about your education, but I am gonna stop letting school be a wedge between us, and then stop talking.
• 27:50
  Don't demand a response. You don't even need to ask for forgiveness right then. You need to give them permission to feel their feels, and instead change your behavior. Act more neutral, low pressure, connect with them side by side time, play ping pong, take them to Target, go on a drive at night to get some french fries and a Coke, Let them pick the music in the car. Watch what they watch without making critical commentary, and I know it'll be hard.
• 28:14
  And expect nothing back at first. You might get suspicion, or they might push the boundaries and test you. Your job is to pass the test. If we wanna break cycles, it starts with us. And this is hard for some parents to take because they can get really mad at their teenagers, but it is not our teenager's responsibility to take care of our emotional needs.
• 28:36
  Okay. So after you've done all of that, after a few weeks, you will start to see small quiet signs of repair. Maybe they'll sit with you in the kitchen while you cook or start talking to you more in the car. Because ultimately, what you're working towards is the type of relationship that you want with your kiddo when they're an adult. Now they're not an adult yet, don't get me wrong.
• 28:55
  That's the glimpse that you're starting to look for and work towards. Now, as we close today, I wanna remind you that teenagers thrive most with parents who are warm, firm, and deeply respectful of their growing autonomy. And closeness and firmness are not a trade off. They're not antagonistic. You can hold the lines of safety, honesty, and agreed commitments while also completely letting go of the guilt, the control, and the constant lectures.
• 29:21
  You can hand the day over on purpose, one rung at a time. You can wear the hat of teacher and mom. It's really just one hat anyway. But the most important thing is for you to stay the safe person that they can always come home to. And it is never too late to redeem the relationship.
• 29:38
  That wraps up today's show. I will see you next week for episode four, where we're gonna look at how to juggle all of these grade levels at the same time. Bye for now.