Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 80: Micro Risks: The Small Choices That Quietly Change Everything

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80: Micro Risks: The Small Choices That Quietly Change Everything · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

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Hey everybody. OK, so here's the thought for
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today. Most people, they don't stay
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stuck because they don't want to change.
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They stay stuck because they what they're living with, Even
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if it's painful, at least it's predictable.
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So they know how disappointment feels.
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They know how the distance fills.
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They know how shame shows up. And as strange as it sounds, the
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nervous system will often choose familiar pain over uncertain
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freedom. OK, so because uncertainty feels
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dangerous, can you say that again?
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Because uncertainty feels dangerous.
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So in a future episode, I want to unpack why people,
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specifically the men that I work with, will stay in pain simply
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because it's known. But today I want to talk about
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the bridge out of that trap. So how do we get out of that
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trap? Because change doesn't require a
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leap into the unknown. It starts with something much
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smaller. And this is something that I
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call micro risk. Welcome to Beyond the Facade
0:59
podcast. I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and
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I'm thrilled to have you join me in the space today.
1:04
What we're going to be doing is diving deep into the trials and
1:07
triumphs and truths of seeking authenticity.
1:10
Becoming your true self isn't about a single action or a
1:12
moment. It's a relentless pursuit, a
1:15
commitment to self that reveals a rich connection and meaning
1:18
that our life has to offer. So whether this is your first
1:21
time tuning in or you're a regular listener, know this.
1:24
What you're building here goes beyond a conversation.
1:27
You're here to challenge, to change, and to celebrate the
1:30
incredible journey of becoming your authentic self.
1:33
Because when you dare to show up.
1:34
Fully the. Rewards are immeasurable, so
1:36
welcome to Beyond the Facade. Let's get started.
1:41
I work with a lot of men in my groups or one-on-one
1:44
individually or intensives or some type of environment where
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as they do their work, these men who are doing recovery, they're
1:54
sober, they're engaged, they're checking the boxes.
1:58
And yet trust isn't growing with our partners.
2:01
Connection still feels stalled out.
2:03
They're still saying things like I'm lacking empathy or the
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partner feels that way internally.
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They feel super flat and frustrated.
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So what's missing isn't really so much effort, it's usually
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initiative. So specifically, the willingness
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to take a small intentional risk toward honesty and presence and
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integrity before crisis forces it.
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So what I'm saying by that is, is it's usually crisis is the
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thing that we think is going to shift everything, but that's not
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actually what's going to shift everything.
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It's not getting caught and it's not the pain of that.
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So it's the, again, I'm going to say it again, the willingness to
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take a small intentional risk towards being honest or being
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present and living integrity. So that's what we call, that's
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what micro risk is about. So I don't know if you heard
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this term before. So let's talk about what micro
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risk is. Micro risk is a small voluntary
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act of honesty or vulnerability that stretches integrity without
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overwhelming your system. So can I give that definition?
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Again, a micro risk is a small voluntary act of honesty or
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vulnerability that stretches integrity without overwhelming
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your system. So let's talk about what it's
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not. A micro risk isn't over sharing.
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It's not trauma dumping. It's not confessing to relieve
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the guilt that you might have. It's not flooding your partner
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with a bunch of information. Micro risk lives like in the
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middle and we want to talk about what that middle is.
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It's the choice to steps lightly outside of protection and into
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presence. Not that big one.
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Alana often talks about vulnerability and she's not
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asking clients or people to. If you compare it like
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vulnerability to swimming in the ocean, if you don't, even if
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you're scared of swimming, you don't know how to swim.
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You wouldn't go all the way and just dive in off the end of the
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deep end off the edge of a pier. You'd wade into the water.
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Micro risks is kind of like that concept.
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It's the choice to step slightly outside of protection and into
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presence. So I'm going to give you some
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examples and might be naming it thought instead of editing it.
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When you're in front of your partner, you know that again,
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that vulnerability piece, it might be sharing uncertainty
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instead of waiting for clarity. So instead of being completely
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clear about what's going on, you lean into that uncomfortability
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of not knowing what's going to happen.
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It might be telling the truth earlier rather than one if
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necessary when you have to. An example also might be
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acknowledging that you have an urge before it turns into
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secrets. And it also could be letting
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somebody, someone see the effort and imperfection at the same
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time, but having those live in the same place.
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Can I say that last one again, letting somebody see the effort
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and the imperfection at the same time.
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And these moments, they're super small, right?
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But they are, but they're not insignificant.
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Let's talk about why micro risks is so hard for men.
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Most men were not taught honesty builds safety.
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They were taught that honesty brings like a bunch of
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consequences. That's what they weren't.
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They were taught and they learned that maybe they observed
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that through their own choices. So and what they learn to stay
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quiet, they learn to stay agreeable.
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They learn to stay good and they learn to stay in control.
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But in recovery, this often shows up as like compliance
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rather than integrity. And what meant what happens is
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men wait to be asked, right? They wait to have somebody ask
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them about what's going on with them and they wait for certainty
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like the predictable, like I know if I'm transparent, I know
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if I share, the reason I will is because I can, I can guarantee
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that there won't be, I can predict what will happen and
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it's not going to be disconnection.
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That's why often I'll experience around men that they'll want
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their partners to say, hey, I'll give you the truth, will you not
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leave me? They want that certainty first
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before they become really raw and open and real.
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And they wait for that like that right moment.
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But trust isn't built through like that reaction.
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It's built through initiative and that initiative always
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involves risk. So let's talk about micro risk
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versus a big gesture. So we think often them big
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gestures. What's going to change things?
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So many men unconsciously rely on like macro risk moments.
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That's like a Full disclosure. That's apologies after the
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damage, right? That promises made during
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crisis, which frankly aren't appropriate.
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Those moments do matter. OK, So full disclosures do
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matter. Apologies after damage do
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matter. Making commitments do matter,
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but they don't really sustain change.
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Trust doesn't grow like in intensity, it grows
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inconsistency. OK, can I just say that part
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again? Trust doesn't grow in intensity,
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it grows inconsistency. We don't change when we're
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outside of our window of tolerance.
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We don't change when we're dysregulated, we change when
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we're regulated, when we're consistent with ourselves,
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wanting to lean into that, but not the big heavy stuff.
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Don't get me wrong, the big heavy stuff can be a catalyst
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towards change, but micro risk is how integrity becomes more
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predictable. And that's what our partners are
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looking for. They're looking for predictable,
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OK. And micro risks is the way that
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works. So it's, again, it's not about
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being perfect, it's about being predictable.
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And predictability is what actually creates that safety.
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Let's talk about our nervous system piece of this.
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Micro risks work because it's tolerable.
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It doesn't shock the system, it trains it.
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Each small act of honesty teaches the body a few things.
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So let's talk about what our body learns through these small
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acts. It learns.
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I can be seen and I could survive these experiences, these
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small risks that I take. I don't need a big crisis to
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tell the truth. I can do that outside of my big
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crisis. And that discomfort doesn't mean
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danger. So when I'm feeling my body and
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my body responding the way it is, even though it says danger,
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it actually does equal danger. So over time, this is how like
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that self leadership, that self energy that we talked about in
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phase two groups that parts work.
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That's how self leadership develops.
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And it's not through force. It's not those big pieces.
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It's through repetition over and over and over again.
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And I'm going to say this here and it's kind of built into the
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topic overall. I'll do full disclosures and
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probably, and I got a lot of passion tied to this, but I'll
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watch a guy, a man that I'm working left, go through a Full
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disclosure. And at the end, him and a
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partner, she's raw. Like, Oh my goodness, they've
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just and made this such as really, really big step in
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recovery. And so where they can lean into
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phase two of the journey and like making new meaning.
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And also there's this width of the like that was so horrible.
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I never want to have that happen again.
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And I have this like feeling inside of me like, oh, please
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don't take from this. I just disclosed everything and
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now I need to be perfect. Now I need to never make a
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mistake again. It's about yeah, that big thing
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being like, yeah, see, I didn't die.
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But it's following that with a lot of additional micro risks, a
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lot of mini disclosures, a lot of transparency that exists 1000
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times. We're going to take a quick.
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Break for a moment, I want to let you know of some things that
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we have coming up at. You recovery services the
9:24
holidays are coming and this is a time where if you're trying to
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heal from betrayal can be such a emotional, hard, difficult time.
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It's a time where there's often so many external and internal
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pressures and expectations and triggers can be higher.
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And so as I thought about the holidays, I thought, how can I
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support you during the holidays? And so this year I am going to
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be offering a webinar series called A Season of Support.
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It's a free holiday series for couples.
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You can come as a couple, you can come by yourself.
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But what it is, is it's a time for you to really have some
10:12
support to not only get you through the holidays, but help
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you not start out in January feeling further behind.
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The amount of people who come to me in January in crisis mode
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because they had put aside their healing work and they had just
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been in kind of a state of functional freeze through the
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holidays is so many. So what I would like to do is
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help support you to be able to keep doing your work, have
10:41
support, have tools, and feel like you can make it through the
10:45
holidays. So they'll be 4 weekly sessions.
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They're on Monday nights. It will be through a Zoom
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webinar. It is completely free.
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Some of the topics that will be included is holiday triggers,
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understanding, preparing and staying regulated, staying
11:03
connected with each other in the chaos, tools for daily emotional
11:07
bonding, preventing backsliding, accountability repair, keeping
11:12
your healing work alive, and also how to enter January
11:17
strong, how to enter that new year with a momentum in your
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healing. So we would love to have you
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there. You can find everything in the
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show notes and sending all the love and support this holiday
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season. Let's get back to our episode.
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Let's talk about micro risks in relationships.
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So for partners, healing from betrayal trauma and safety is
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not built through the words themselves.
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It's built through a few things. What is it built through?
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It's built through that voluntary transparency.
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That's why I love check insurance with partners.
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It's led by the betraying partner.
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It's about early disclosure and again, that's that early
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disclosure is that transparency piece that's sharing stuff
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frequently and often instead of waiting for it to become big.
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It's about emotional presence without being able to be there
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with my partner emotionally when it feels so raw, like I want to
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run out of the room or I want to shut down.
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But it's by staying present, it's consistent follow through.
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It's again consistent. And let's talk about how micro
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risks show up when a man does certain things, when he shares
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before he's asked, when he names like internal shifts early, when
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he can actually name what's happening for him, when he can
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say, hey, I feel myself starting to shut down.
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I feel myself starting to wall off.
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I feel like I feel like I want to cope, use some old coping
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mechanisms like when he names it, when he owns his impact.
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Here's another one. When he owns his impact without
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defending the intent. We talk about all the time
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intent versus impact and he spends time focused on impact
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and not naming the intent. That's like micro risk because
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their body says don't do that. You need to name your intent.
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Don't just talk about the impact.
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It's about speaking before secrecy forms, sharing what I
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want to go do, what my body's telling me, an old coping
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mechanism that I want to run to. So these moments say something
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really, really powerful. They're saying something like
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I'm paying attention, I'm choosing integrity.
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I'm not waiting to be caught. And those are really, really
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powerful things. So let me just say to you, if
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you're listening and you feel stuck, ask yourself something.
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Where am I choosing predictability over integrity?
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What truth feels like too small to mention but it keeps
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repeating itself. Where do I feel stuck?
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But it feels like, is it even worth bringing up?
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Does it matter? Maybe just ask yourself, where
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do I stay quiet and where do I avoid discomfort?
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Where do I not share emotion? What emotion am I afraid to talk
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about and give a voice? And what would a 5% stretch look
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like today? If I stretch myself, be out of
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my comfort zone, what does that discomfort look like?
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Where would I be leaning? Again, 5%, not all the way, but
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just a little more that and leading that discomfort.
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Because recovery doesn't require fearlessness.
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It requires that like willingness, OK?
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It requires US leaning into that discomfort.
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There's this one piece that I wanted to mention.
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I learned it a while ago. I heard it on social media and
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one of the it's called the anterior Cindelet cortex.
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And this sits between the emotional brain, the limbic
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system, and your thinking brain, the prefrontal cortex.
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And its core function includes like motivation to act despite
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discomfort, like any type of error detection, noticing like
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when something's off to conflict monitoring, like holding 2
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competing impulses at once, choice, doing what matters
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instead of what feels good, and like persistence under stress.
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So the anterior cingulate cortex helps you do the thing that you
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don't want to do because it's the right thing to do.
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When a man says I know what I should do but I don't do it, or
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I freeze a void or procrastinate or I wait until there's pressure
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or consequences. That is often in under engaged
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or under trained anterior cindulate cortex addiction or
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chronic avoidance or compulsive behaviors all reduce reliance on
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what we call effortful choice and increased reliance on
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impulse relief. So over time, the limbic system
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get louder and the anterior cindulate cortex get less
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practice and then there's short term relief that wins over
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instead of long term values. So isn't a character flaw, it's
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basically it is a training, it's a training imbalance.
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So that I want to let you know is that that part of your brain
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actually grows functionally and structurally.
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Research shows that that part of our brain, because our brains we
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call neuroplasticity, meaning it increases in thickness, it
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increases in connectivity, it increases in activation
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efficiency. And this happens to repeated
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effort and engagement when you do difficult things and those
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meaningful tasks and it resisted like compulsive urges, then that
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part of your brain grows when you practice choosing integrity
16:23
over relief. So why this matters in recovery
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is recovery often fails when men rely on some just those these
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things like insight, just like what I know or rules or external
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accountability. And those things don't actually
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train that part of our brain. What trains that part of our
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brain is voluntary effort in the absence of that pressure.
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So this connects directly to that micro risk concept because
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micro risk requires like the effort it involves like that
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discomfort, it activates conflict and it strengthens that
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part of our brain. So over time, what happens is
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men experience like more internal follow through, like
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they're less dependent on like urgency and they're in there's a
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lot of increase in self trust and greater emotional stamina.
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So that predictable pain and that uncertainty that bridges to
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this other idea that I want to share with you, which is we're
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going to go into next time, which is that it's that choosing
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predictable pain avoids like this part of our brains
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engagement where choosing uncertainty requires it.
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So we actually lean into uncertainty, which is again,
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where change happens, micro risk.
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It's not just psychological, it's like neurological training.
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So anyway, I'm excited to dive into that next concept of you,
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which is lenient and uncertainty and how much the brain loves
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predictability and how much if we just lean into predictable,
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we don't actually experience change.
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And it's it goes against our wiring.
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So I'm excited to venture into that with you next time.
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And as always, please share any thoughts, questions you have so
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we can build them in podcasts. We have so much good stuff that
18:06
comes from just you guys engagement, the people that can,
18:09
the men that can attend my groups that have follow up
18:12
questions on podcast. So please bring the stuff that
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comes up for you that you need more clarity around.
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But again, if you're the betraying partner or just
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frankly, humans in general, micro risks, it's not about
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those big risks, those macro risks that creates change.
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It's really those repeatable micro risks that train our
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brains. Anyway, it's good to spend time
18:34
with you. We'll talk to you next time.
18:36
Alana. Halley and myself are so excited
18:39
about our upcoming July Costa Rica intensive rise, renew and
18:44
restore. This is going to be a sacred
18:47
fusion of science, soul, and. Somatic renewal.
18:53
For those of you who are doing the work now, it's time to
18:56
receive. You've faced the pain.
18:59
You're rebuilding your strength. You've carried the weight of
19:03
healing. You've shown up for therapy.
19:04
You've shown up for your family, your responsibilities, and
19:07
you've learned how to survive all of it.
19:09
But even after all of your growth, maybe you're still
19:11
feeling a little bit disconnected.
19:12
Disconnected from life. Disconnected from yourself, your
19:16
body, and from joy. Healing helps you survive.
19:19
But you deserve more than just survival.
19:21
You deserve to fully live. This retreat is for women who
19:25
have done a significant amount of healing work and are ready to
19:27
rise, rise into the next phase of wholeness, the next phase of
19:32
living. You're longing for rest.
19:34
You're longing for joy. You're longing for that deeper.
19:38
Connection to yourself. This retreat is going to give
19:41
you just that. Deep healing, luxury and.
19:44
Adventure. Between all of the modalities
19:47
that Hallie, Alana and myself bring to the table, you're going
19:50
to have an incredible experience.
19:52
Spaces are filling up and are limited.
19:55
Head over to the show notes and check out Rise, Renew and
19:59
Restore. Get your spot held today.
20:01
This intensive is going to take choosing you to a whole new
20:06
level. Cannot wait to see you there.
20:12
Hey, thanks for joining us today.
20:14
If this is something that you connected with.
20:16
I'd love. To meet with you more.
20:17
And talk about it. So what you?
20:19
Can do. Is go to
20:19
chooserecoveryservices.com or check the show notes and there
20:23
what we can do is set up a quick conversation meet.
20:26
Thanks so much for listening to Beyond the Facade where we
20:29
unmask the authentic cell.