Latest / A Heart That Beats for Home / 60. Do I Pass the Joy Test?

Transcript

60. Do I Pass the Joy Test? · A Heart That Beats for Home

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey friends, I'm Nikki Smith, your host here at A Heart that Beats for Home, the podcast where we're ditching filters and diving headfirst into the raw beauty of all things home.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Now, I am no expert when it comes to this whole parenting and marriage dance.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I'm simply a gal who's been riding the mom roller coaster for 22 years and a wife still untangling the mystery of it all 25 years after saying I do.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: My goal is to bring you unapologetically messy and boldly genuine conversations about cultivating strong families.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, possibly cry, and straight talk about the joy and chaos that comes within the four walls that we call home.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: No judgment and certainly no perfection, just real talk from my heart, a heart that beats for home.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Let's dive in.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: Hello friends, Welcome back to another week here at the podcast.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: As you can hear, I sound like a different host than you normally hear when you listen in on Thursdays.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: This is indeed Nikki Smith.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: However, your girl is down with some kind of respiratory something and has been in bed for two days.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: Do not leave, You're not going to have to listen to me the whole podcast.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: I promise we are going to just do a little pivot here.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: We were scheduled this week to do an awesome interview with a couple who I know is going to bring so much wisdom to the podcast and is going to be just pure gold, and we have had to reschedule this, I think, three times now, and that just tells me that Satan does not want their message to go out on the airwaves, and so that makes me even more excited to be bringing that to you.
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: But had to pivot again.
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: Life can be so funny.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: After last week's podcast and just talking about some of the obstacles that I have been coming up against physically, emotionally, mentally, all of the different things and then this week to be so sick I have been in bed for two days and just really trying to pray through.
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: What should we be doing this week on the podcast and last week I had several people reach out one even just last night very transparently about just how they could relate to what I shared last week.
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: So if you haven't listened to last week's, go ahead and click back and grab that one.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: But just when I was sharing about some of the struggles that I'm having, life has just felt like my capacity is limited and just trying to pray through that and work through that, and just so many that said, oh my gosh, I can so relate or I feel that exact same way.
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: And so what we're going to do today is episode six of the podcast from year one was titled Am I Good Medicine for my Family, and it had in there do I pass the joy test, and so just really an episode about how we can be centered in a place of gratitude and joy, which is again what we talked about so much last week, and just finding that joy in the Lord.
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: And so we're just gonna pull that one out of the archives.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: We're gonna revisit it.
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: If you haven't listened to it, this is a great way for you to hear it.
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: If you have.
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: What do they say?
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: You have to listen to something seven times over for it to resonate and sink in and become something that you can remember.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: So we will be back next week with another new episode, Lord willing.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: So until then, friends, enjoy this dive into the archives.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: Hey everyone, welcome back to another week here at A Heart that Beats for Homes.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: So excited to have you here with us Going to be talking today about how to foster joy in our lives and how that has a ripple effect down into our families and into the environment in our homes.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: I think as mamas we hold a lot of responsibility for the atmosphere inside these four walls we call home, and I am more convinced now than ever that what I want to see in my family I first must model in myself, and so working really diligently on this whole practice of joy and I am coming to you today as a student on this subject, not the expert this is something that I'm really working on in my own life, trying to just be aware of what is the overflow of my heart, what is the overflow of my actions, what am I putting out into the environment, in my family, to those around me as I go about the day-to-day, on the good days and the bad days, and kind of looking at, too, the difference between what is joy and what is happiness.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: I think sometimes we intertwine those words as if they're the same, and I really think they're quite a bit different, and so, before we even dig into the nitty gritty of different ways that we can foster joy.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: I want to just do some breaking down of the number one the differences between joy and happiness, and then also a quick like six question little test we can take that's going to tell us if we're operating in a place of true joy some really good things.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: Just to do some self-assessment in our own lives, in our own hearts, and then we can jump into some practical tips that maybe can help us foster joy in the everyday life.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: And so the difference between joy and happiness number one happiness is based on my circumstances and so if things are going well, then I'm happy.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: If everything's lining up, if the schedule is working, if the kids are behaving, if the cars are running well, all of those things, then I would be happy because life is going well.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: It's very much based on circumstances where joy exists separate from how I feel.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: Joy is an inward attitude, it's a decision that I'm going to be joyful, it's a place of gratitude.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: It's just a very, very different baseline for emotions than happiness.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: So if I'm on a happiness train then I am literally living on a roller coaster of up and down, up and down, up and down, feeling happy all of a sudden not right.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: Happiness is more things like, oh, we got to go to the ice cream shop by the lake and have an ice cream cone with a perfect sunset.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: That's like, oh, that makes me happy, that was a nice time with the family.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: But joy is we got to go have that ice cream cone on the lake with the family.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: And when the kids started fighting and when the dog ran away and when the boat ran out of gas, I still can have joy.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: Right, the happiness left that moment, the happiness was very fleeting in that moment of sunset and ice cream.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: But everything disappeared as soon as the trials and the obstacles and the everything's not going perfect came in.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: And so how do we balance this, not working from a place of happiness, but rather getting to a place of true joy in our lives.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: So this is two different things.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: Again, the chart that's going to kind of help us break it down, the differences, and then these questions, and I will put all of these in the show notes.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: I think these are such great things to come back and look on, to review, to print out, maybe even have in the cover of your Bible or in your purse somewhere so that you can just have these two things to kind of come back to when you're struggling with working from a place of true joy.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: So if we want our families to be joyful, we have to start by being joyful ourselves.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: So the difference between joy and happiness lives in the mind and the heart.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: So here's some different things.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: Joy is in the heart.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: Happiness is on the face.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: Joy is of the soul.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: Where Happiness is on the face, joy is of the soul where happiness is of the moment.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: Joy transcends Happiness, reacts.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: Joy embraces peace and contentment.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: Joy runs deep and overflows while happiness simply hugs hello.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: Joy is a practice and a behavior.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: It's deliberate and intentional.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: Happiness comes and goes casually along its way.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: Joy is profound and scriptural.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: It says don't worry, rejoice when happiness is a balm.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: And it says don't worry, be happy.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: Joy is an inner feeling.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: Happiness is an outward expression.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: Joy endures hardship and trials and connects with meaning and purpose.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: A person pursues happiness but chooses joy, and so I don't know about you, but I certainly want to be a person that chooses joy.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: So again, I'll put those in the show notes.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: They're so great you can go back and look at those and I'll cite where they came from.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: And then here is this joy test, if you will.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: These are just a handful of questions that we can ask ourselves to kind of get a good idea of.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: Am I really working from a place of joy, or maybe am I counting on happiness to get me through my day, and that might be why I'm somewhat frustrated and discouraged with my roller coaster of emotions.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: So questions that we can ask ourselves.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: Number one what's my default state of mind?
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: Am I a glass half empty or half full person?
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: Number two when I wake up in the morning, what's my disposition?
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: Do I step out of bed and I'm immediately grumbling and complaining and everything is awful.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: And you know, it's too cold, the weather's not cooperating, the kids aren't listening, nobody's paying attention, we're always running late.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: What is my disposition when I wake up first thing in the morning?
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: What is my disposition when I wake up first thing in the morning?
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: Number three what's my mindset?
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: Do I focus and comment on the good or do I harp constantly on the bad?
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: Number four does my family see me laughing and smiling?
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: That's a good gut check right there, friends.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: And then, number five am I pleasant to be around If we take this test and we go, oh bummer, a lot of these don't work out the way I think they should, then it's probably a good indicator that we're working from a place of trying to be happy and we haven't really settled down on choosing to work from a place of joy and cultivating that joy in our spirit.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: Choosing to work from a place of joy and cultivating that joy in our spirit.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: And so let's dig into some different ways that we can work on choosing joy and building joy as a natural overflow that comes out of our heart.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: So Proverbs 17, 22 says that a joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: And I don't know about you, but certainly for myself, I want to be someone that is good medicine for my family.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: I do not want to be someone who has a crushed spirit and is walking around drying up bones and crushing the spirits of others.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: I truly, truly want my life and my actions and my words and my attitude and my demeanor, the atmosphere that I set in my home, to be one that is good medicine for my family and obviously, coming from a place, a perspective of faith for me, I know that that sense of joy has to come from my relationship with the Lord, that that is the only thing that's going to keep that overflowing on a constant basis, and that that's where I have to go first, to keep that overflowing on a constant basis, and that that's where I have to go first and foremost.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: So, as we look at these five practical tips on how we can be a joyful person, how we can be good medicine for our family, just know that, overarching over all of these, the main source, the umbrella that these are all under, is that I personally am having to find my joy from my relationship with the Lord, because without that, life does feel very hit or miss.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: We never know what's going to be happening.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: But when we are operating from a place of hope, in that relationship that we have with Jesus, then we're able just to look at it from a different perspective.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: And so I think, first and foremost, that's where my joy is coming from.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: But then I do think there's just some good, practical things.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: Specifically as foremost, that's where my joy is coming from.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: But then I do think there's just some good practical things, specifically as moms, that we can build into our day, into our mindset, into the way that we operate.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: That will just allow us to more naturally go to a place of joy, maybe not have to fight for it as hard as we would if some of these things are not in place.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: Okay, so the first one that I wanna focus on is having realistic expectations on my day, and instead of chasing a to-do list, I am choosing to chase fulfillment instead of achievement, and as somebody who is a doer and a goer, I can take extra things on my plate and I can multitask and I can do all these things.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: I can find that I often get in a place where I hit a brick wall and I have too many unrealistic expectations on the day and I am trying to cross off too many things and in doing that, I have totally missed the fulfillment part of a lot of the roles and the tasks that I have been given right so as a wife, as a mom, as a business owner, as a volunteer, as all these different roles that we play.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: When we get so stuck in the to-do list and the checking things off of the list, we often are able to do that and achieve the goal, but did we truly find any fulfillment?
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: And if you ever walk around and you feel like I am so busy and yet I don't even know what any of my purpose is.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: This is an indicator that maybe you're working a little bit too much in the achievement side in some of these roles and you need to just slow down and evaluate.
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: What are some things that I can do so that I can actually start to find fulfillment in the things that I'm doing in the roles that I've been given.
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: Are there roles that I need to get rid of Because there really is no fulfillment in them?
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: It's just me volunteering to do this thing because I said I would and I've just been doing it and it's constantly something on my to-do list but there is no fulfillment in it.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: It's not growing relationships, it's not feeding my soul.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: Maybe there's some things that you need to evaluate.
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's just a different approach to how you wake up in the morning.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: Instead of having this attitude of oh my gosh, I have so much to get done.
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: All these things, everybody needs a little piece of me.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: For me, what I'm learning to do is, instead of this mile long list of I have to do all of these things, today, looking at my list and my responsibilities and saying what are the things that I really do have to get done today.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: What are the top three or four priorities that have to get done?
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: And focusing on those and then moving everything else to oh I would like to get done list.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: It doesn't have to get done, but if I got these two, three, four things off my must do list done, I could lay my head down tonight knowing, yes, I achieved some things and I also found some fulfillment in my day.
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: I don't always want to just win the day by my accomplishments.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: I want to win the day because I go to bed feeling like you know what, there was a lot of fulfillment in the things that I did today.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: Now there's going to be tasks that we just have to do that don't bring us a lot of fulfillment.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: But I think even in this there's a way to look at those mundane things that we do specifically, maybe as moms running a home, and ask myself how can I start to find fulfillment in some of these things that I'm doing, so that I can find some joy, so that they can fill up my spirit?
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: And so, again, just really evaluating am I working from a place of achievement or am I working from a place of fulfillment?
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: The second one that comes right out of the overflow of that one is am I taking time out to connect?
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: And I think it's very, very easy for us to get into this again to-do list mentality of I'm so busy, there's not enough hours in the day, run, run, run and absolutely take no time to connect with the people that we're actually doing all of these things.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: For it's easy to do a lot of acts of service in our home to feed people and to clothe them and to pick up after them and to drive them around and, in the busyness of that, not take a deep breath and stop to play the game, to dance in the kitchen, to go for the walk, to lay down and rest or watch a quick show, just to be close.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: I think, especially looking back at my life when my kids were younger, when I think about this time where you're trying to do so many things and you've got these little people that are following you around and it seems like, no matter what they're doing, right, they're mom, mom, mom.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: How many times do you hear the name mom in a day when you have little kids and they're following you around and they're pulling on your leg and they want you to look at everything they're doing.
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: And what I found when I really started paying attention to this overwhelm of the mom, mom, mom calling was that what my kid really wants from me is just some concentrated connection time.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: And when I learned to put aside what I was doing and just sit down whether it be for five minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes you guys, it doesn't have to be huge chunks of time but when I would put everything else aside and just solely spend those few minutes connecting with that child or with my husband or whoever it was, and just be present to build the blocks for 15 minutes, or to sit on the couch without the phone or without multitasking and just read the book, or to sit and have the conversation for 10 minutes eye to eye without distraction, that typically after I would do that, the calling of my name and the constant tugging on my legs would start to disappear.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: And what I would find was, all of a sudden, they would be content to be playing on their own, to be doing their own craft, doing their own book reading, and it was because what they were really looking for was connection.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: And I think we can spend our entire day half paying attention to the people that are around us and they're constantly looking for that true connection.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: And so it's this all-day nagging of of look at me, look at me, look at me, spend time with me.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: And I have learned that if I just stop to spend the time that it fills up the cup of the person that is needing my attention so that they can then go on about their day.
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: They can go on and they can do their things, and they have been filled up by their mom or by their wife, their things and they have been filled up by their mom or by their wife.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: You know, when I need to kind of do a check on this, I can ask myself in the last 48 hours if I had to take the last 48 hours and look back and say what is the thing that I felt was the most precious memory with each one of my kids or with my spouse.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: If I look back over 48 hours and I have to look at that timeframe every single time that there's something that resonates with me or I say that was a really special time or that was a precious memory, it is centered around connection.
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: It is centered around me walking away from the dirty dishes and sitting to play the game at the kitchen table.
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: It's centered around me turning off the podcast or the music in the car and having a meaningful conversation with the kid that I'm driving to wherever they're heading to next.
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: Me turning off the podcast or the music in the car and having a meaningful conversation with the kid that I'm driving to wherever they're heading to next.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: It's the time when I left the phone on the kitchen counter and went out on the walk with my husband for 15 or 20 minutes after dinner, and if you look back in 48 hours and you can't pinpoint some really precious times where you connected, if only for a few minutes, with the people in your home.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: I don't want you to feel guilty.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: I don't want you to take it as like I'm doing a horrible job.
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: What I want is for you to be able to say you know what that's, just like a good reminder that I need to focus more on connecting in my family.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: I need to focus more on not being distracted all the time.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: I need to just focus on creating small windows of time where this memory bank of time spent together is being deposited into.
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: It's good for your soul and it's good for the person that you're connecting with.
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: These are the things that are part of that joy.
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: Right, joy is intentional, joy is creating space for relationship and connection and if we don't stop to actually take that time, then it's really difficult to be seeing the deposit of those relationships producing joy.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: So just another good kind of test there.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: And if you don't like what you think of when you think of the last 48 hours, just use that as a challenge to yourself.
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: Maybe you need to write the number 48 on your hand or on your mirror or somewhere, so that it's just this reminder, like, make sure, I mean, ultimately we'd like to be doing it every 24 hours, where every single day, you have that time where it's like that was a precious memory with each one of my kids or that was a precious memory with my husband.
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: But maybe start with just putting the number 48 on your hand and having it be a reminder to you all day.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: You know what.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: I'm going to sit down, I'm going to play that game, I'm going to read the book, I'm going to do whatever it is.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: Go run outside in the backyard and just be present for those few minutes.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: The third one, again these are all definitely weaving together.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: You're going to get a definite pattern here.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: The third one again, these are all definitely weaving together, you're going to get a definite pattern here is stop multitasking.
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: And this is again with that connection.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: This is about being present, and I know I pride myself on being a multitasker and I wear multitasking like it's a badge of honor.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: But I will tell you I don't think it is.
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: I think that in some cases yes, as moms, we have to be able to multitask or life literally wouldn't be able to function, because I know there's a lot of times that I'm in the kitchen after school, somebody's at the kitchen counter doing homework, another person's asking me for a snack, there's meat on the stove sizzling and there's a pot of pasta that's boiling over, and all these things are happening.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: And here's where I think we have to make the decision to stop multitasking.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: Those are things that are just happening that you have no control over, right?
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: You've got multiple people living in your house, you're also cooking.
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: That's just the everyday craziness of the way that we do learn to navigate a somewhat normal state of multitasking.
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: What I'm specifically talking about is when all of that is already happening, because that's just the reality of life and I decide, as some superhero mom, that right now is also the time that I'm going to grab my phone and lean up against the kitchen counter and try to respond to messages or try to send the work email.
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: Or I'm going to real quick, just hop over to the other kitchen counter and try to respond to messages or try to send the work email.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: Or I'm going to real quick, quick, just hop over to the other kitchen counter and try to wrap all the teacher gifts that I need to get out for.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: You know, whatever it is, and all of a sudden I am like spiraling out of control and my brain is like short circuiting and I'm getting short and my words are getting snappy and there's not a lot of joy.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: And it's almost always when I find myself in this space, almost always, that if I look at the environment around me, it is a hundred percent created by myself, because I am trying to do way too much.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: I am trying to be a superhero and get the multitasking trophy and you know, chalk it up as I can do all these things when in reality it is not helping me, it is not allowing me to be present and it is literally zapping the energy right out of me, especially in these witching hours which we refer to kind of, in that four, five, six, when everybody's around, everything is happening.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: And I don't want that to be a time of witching hours.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: I want that to be a time of joy and peace and fun.
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: And peace doesn't mean that it's not chaotic, right.
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: Peace does not mean everybody's quiet and it's serene.
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: To me, peace is an environment of there is joy here, there is kindness, there is laughter, and when I try to bring too many other things into that, it totally messes up what's going on and gets me distracted and often leads to me not operating from a place of joy.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: And one story specifically about this in my attempt to be this awesome multitasker, I remember probably it's probably been eight, nine years ago we were in the kitchen after school and my oldest daughter had been doing homework and having a snack, getting ready to go out to basketball practice, and we were chatting.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: She was telling me about her day, was in the middle of a story and I had my phone on the kitchen counter.
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: And I do have my phone with me a lot, because it is.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: I do work from my phone, um, but that doesn't mean it has to control me.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: Something that I'm actively still working on all the time is not letting it rule over me, but I rule over it.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: And so my phone was on the counter and we use in my line of work an app called Voxer quite a bit.
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: It's an app that is kind of like a walkie talkie.
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: It can give you an alert or this annoying little beeping sound, and so I've known long enough to turn the notification sound off.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: But I still see it right.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: You see, when these notifications pop up.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: And in the middle of my daughter telling me about her day, telling me a story, I saw a notification pop up and so instinctively, like a really bad habit, I picked up that phone and I just started playing the message and I looked up from the phone and she was like dumbfounded and she said are you kidding me?
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: And I said what?
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: And she's like I was in the middle of a story and in my brain I'm thinking yeah, I'm still tracking with you.
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: I haven't stopped listening to your story, I'm also listening to what this person needs for work.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: But the reality was I was a hundred percent not being present and it told her you are not important.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: It's unbelievably rude of me that I would do that and it's a really bad habit that I absolutely don't want to find myself in.
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: And it's just this whole again.
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: We are in this world where it is so easy to have 25 things going at the same time to the point that we just start short-circuiting and things aren't working or we make the people around us feel horrible.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: They literally don't matter and they are something on our to-do list like check fed her check, snack check, homework check, instead of really just being present, and so having to just say like, where are places in my day where I need to do less so that I can do more?
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: Ultimately, right, if I can take some of these things out of just doing too many things at once, then it's going to allow me to invest more into being present where I am at.
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: That is going to help me work from a place of joy and not exhaustion.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: So number three is stop multitasking and be present.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: Number four is fill your cup so that you can then pour out.
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: We know the saying you cannot pour from an empty cup.
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: And although I hate the word self-care, I do think the way I'm gonna talk about it here self-care as a mom is strategic, it's not selfish.
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: Now, I'm not talking about like self-care, like I need a weekly spa appointment.
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: All those things are fine and well if that's something you enjoy and you want.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: That is not what I'm talking about here.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: I am talking about filling up your cup in the basic needs, and this is crazy that we even have to make this a point.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: But this is, I think, where we're at in our day and age that for a mom, you have to have self-care, meaning you need to be eating meals, you need to be sleeping, you need to be taking time to read your Bible or read the book and exercise.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: And I know, like simple things, that we can find ourselves as moms getting so tuned out to what our own needs are because we're giving, giving, giving, giving all from a great place, and this is maybe TMI.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: But I can find myself being like oh, my goodness, I have had to pee for an hour, but I'm like I just need to change the laundry.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: And then it's the goodness, I have had to pee for an hour, but I'm like I just need to change the laundry, and then it's the laundry is.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: I just need to fold that load, and then it's this ripple effect.
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: All of a sudden I'm like I'm in my home.
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: I could have peed an hour ago, but I am like pushing, pushing, pushing to do silly things instead of just taking two minutes for basic self-care.
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: Now that's an extreme situation, but I bet there's a lot of moms that can relate.
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: Same thing with eating.
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: I can be one o'clock in the afternoon and go oh my gosh, I've only had maybe coffee today, or I haven't had a single fruit or vegetable and it's four o'clock, or I haven't had any protein.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: We can go to bed way too late.
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: We can get up too early.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: We can absolutely sacrifice all of our own need for exercise and getting sunlight and Just slowing down and taking little bits of rest.
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: We can sacrifice all of it in the name of I just have to take care of everybody else.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: I just have to take care of everybody else, almost into the point of being a martyr.
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: And I have learned number one I put these own expectations on myself and I don't know about you, but I can think, oh, resting is lazy, or if I sit down, then I'm not doing a good job at the tasks that I've been given because there's dishes in the sink or there's laundry upstairs, and what I have come to find is that my family would much rather a few things in our home not be perfect and for mom to eat and sleep and exercise because of how it makes her feel and that she can function well over everything in the house being perfect.
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: And it has taken me years, decades, actually to get to the point that I can recognize the dishes can wait, because I feel so depleted that I need to go sit on the couch and read a chapter of my book, or I need to go sit on the back patio and just close my eyes and let the vitamin D soak into my skin for 10 minutes, instead of folding that load of laundry or matching the socks or whatever.
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: It might be that we always tell ourself this has to get done.
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: There are a lot of things that we need to do, but there are also a lot of things that them.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: Sitting there for another hour or another day is not going to make or break our family, our home and us.
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: Getting the walk or the quick nap or eating an actual meal will do more for our family than checking something else off our to-do list, and I always assumed that if I stopped, my family thought she's lazy, there's still stuff to be done.
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: You guys, that is not true.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: That is often a voice that we put on ourselves from our own insecurities, and although joy comes from serving others, we cannot continue to serve if we literally are on empty right.
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: We can't do it.
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: It's like expecting your car to get you 100 miles when the empty tank light is on.
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: We know it can't go that far.
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: Why do we expect that we can be on complete empty, not taking care of our basic needs, and be able to go another 100 miles and not expect something bad to happen, not expect a crisis situation to come along?
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: And so I think that that's just something that we really need to be looking at in our own lives.
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: Am I doing this If I'm not now?
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: Obviously there's stages right, I think of a newborn stage where it is super hard to get good rest, and maybe that's where you need to accept help during nap time or not during nap time or not during nap time, so that during nap time, you can actually get stuff done, but then somebody is coming to help you with the infant so that you can close your eyes or go for a walk or eat a solid meal.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: I know for me with adult children right this sleep thing again it's difficult because when you know your kids are all over and they're not in your home and they're out doing things, even if it's just totally fine things, anytime that your kids are all over and they're not in your home and they're out doing things, even if it's just totally fine things, anytime that your kids aren't in your home it's hard to rest.
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: And so just learning again, how do I build in these practices so that I can take care of myself, so that then I have a full cup in which I am able to have an overflow to pour out with to my family?
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: Okay, and then the last one is the art of practicing gratitude.
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: 1 Thessalonians 5.16 says Always be joyful, and I think that is a trait that we have to learn, it's something that we have to work for, it's something that has to be ingrained into the way that we operate and that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: And so I think, when we again those six questions up above that we can take this joy test with, is, if I'm always negative, then something deep seated in my heart is negative, because if it's true that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: Then if yuck is always coming out, then yuck is settled in my spirit, settled in my heart.
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: And what do I have to do so that gratitude and joy comes out of my lips?
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: Well, I have to make sure that deep in my heart is gratitude and joy.
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: And so how are ways that we can practice gratitude every single day, so that it becomes a part of the DNA of how we operate?
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: How do we remember what really matters?
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: Here's just a couple of practical things.
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: Number one write it down.
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: Maybe you need to start with a gratitude journal and just writing down two, three, four, five things a day that you're grateful for, and I think that when we start this, it starts very surface Thank you for food, thank you for my house, thank you for warm clothes, thank you for, you know, a car that runs.
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: I think that's kind of where we start when we start doing a gratitude journal.
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: The more we do this, I find, in my own life, the more I get down to the nitty gritty, to the point that I can say thank you for the struggle that I went through, because it taught me this.
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: Thank you for the way that separation when my husband's traveling on a work trip makes me appreciate him more.
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: Where before those were things that I would have grumbled about.
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: I would have said this didn't go.
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: This obstacle in front of me made me mad.
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: I'm angry that this happened.
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: Why did this have to happen to me To?
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: Then, when you work on coming from a place of gratitude and joy, you actually can start to see.
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: Thank you for that obstacle, that trial, that lesson that I learned.
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: Same thing with my husband traveling.
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: I used to get so worked up about all that I would have to do alone with the kids for the week when he's gone and all the extra burden that it put on me.
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: To now I can say, man, every time he's gone it makes me realize how much better life is when he's here and I'm so grateful for that kind of reminder, to be so grateful for the time that my family is all together under the same roof.
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: Or thank you for travel mercies when he's gone, or thank you for the way that he provides for our family.
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: It's just a total shift in how we start to see things and when we start to write those down.
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: The more we have to write, the deeper we have to get, the more things that we're going to see that we have to be grateful for.
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: The second thing is that you can tell others what you're grateful for.
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: I think, specifically as moms, we have such an opportunity to use our words as good medicine.
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: Right, a joyful heart is good medicine, but so are good words.
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: Joyful words are good medicine.
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: Right, a joyful heart is good medicine, but so are good words.
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: Joyful words are good medicine.
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: And we can read all over, specifically in the Proverbs, about the difference that words have either life or death and just getting to be a person that is constantly speaking gratitude, things like I'm so grateful I'm your mom.
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: Even just this morning, I was taking my little guy to school and just kind of ran my fingers, tousled his hair and I just said, buddy, I'm so glad I get to be your mom, I love it, I just love being his mom, and just say it, just tell it to them.
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: Or I'm so grateful that I get to drive you to these events.
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: I know sometimes we're in the car a lot of time, but, man, I just love that I get to sit with you and talk to you about life and drive you to these events, or I'm so grateful that you work so hard for us.
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's a text you need to send your spouse.
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: Or I remember once when our kids were little and we had gotten a new Suburban it was the car that I always really wanted and we got in the Suburban and the kids were back there in their car seats and I remember just being oh my gosh, I'm so grateful for this vehicle that feels safe and we all fit in here and there's extra room for the groceries and the stroller and just sending my husband a text to just say thank you so much for working so hard for us.
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: This car today is such a blessing Like this has made life easier.
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: What are the little ways that we can do that?
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: And then, when we start to do that, do you know what starts to happen?
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: It starts to come back to you and it might take a while, so be patient with your family.
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: This isn't always an immediate what goes out comes back.
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: But when you start to work from a place of gratitude, you will see that people start saying back to you oh my goodness, thanks so much, mom.
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: Or mom, what could I do to help you?
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: Or is there anything I can do to help, or would it help you if I did that for you?
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: And when you start having that attitude of being grateful, other people around you will start to catch it by default.
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: So that's another way is just tell people the ways that you're grateful.
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: Number three is find ways to practice it as a family.
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: What are ways that we can make sure, as a family, that we're talking about gratitude?
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: One thing that we used to do again specifically more when the kids were littler and we would find ourselves at the table together as a whole group was the highs and lows of the day.
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: What was your high point and what was your low point?
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: Because, again, it's allowing you to talk about what was the high point and be grateful for it and also recognizing the low, and often that brings in a lot of great conversation to find good in the negative or to find ways that then, oh, when that person was really mean to you, hey, what do you think?
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: Why do you think he's being like that?
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: You know the whole concept of hurt people, hurt people and just being able to take situations that our kids or ourselves are seeing as that was a low point in my day and actually say how can I turn that into an opportunity to love on somebody else?
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: How can I look at that as an opportunity to grow myself?
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: And maybe it's just a bad thing, and you just have to say, yeah, that was a really bad thing.
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: I hope that doesn't happen to you again tomorrow or whatever it is.
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: Another one we've never done this, but I know many people do is a gratitude jar.
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: Just keep a mason jar on a counter with some paper again, especially when your kids are in this grade school, middle school and just say whenever you think of something that you're just grateful for, just drop it on a note and put it in that jar and then let's read it on Friday nights when we have dinner.
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: And maybe it's something that somebody did, maybe it's somebody in your house that you're just really grateful for, or maybe it's something, maybe it's a possession that you're really grateful that you have it.
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: It makes your life easier.
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: Your laptop really makes school easier, or your iPhone is awesome because it allows you to connect with your friends, or whatever it might be.
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: Just put those things in the gratitude jar and then let's, as a family, come back and read those just again, so that it's just moving our hearts towards a place of gratitude.
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: And then the last one, as an idea to just kind of make this a part of our day, is to have a visual reminder to practice gratitude.
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I think we have to just literally make it so easy just like you can put that number 48 on your hand to ask yourself am I taking time to connect every couple days with intention with everybody in my family?
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: You can have visual reminders to practice gratitude.
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: Maybe you need to put a Bible verse or a saying on your screensaver.
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: Maybe it just needs to say gratitude.
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: Maybe on the dashboard in your car you need to just have a post-it note that says be grateful or show gratitude or love on others, or whatever it needs to be.
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's dry erase markers to your bathroom mirror or to a picture frame on your nightstand.
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's something printed out of things that you are grateful for that you read at the kitchen sink every day.
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: I don't know what it needs to be for you, but sometimes we need that visual reminder to just stop and be grateful when we start to feel things welling up, when we start to feel the day turning sour, to just stop and say, okay, what can I be grateful for?
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: What are all the things that are going well?
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: And I think there's two different things that I've read.
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: One is treat bad days as good data, and the other one is a bad day doesn't equal a bad life.
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: And I think when we try to operate from a place of happiness number one we don't learn from bad days.
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: It was just a bad day.
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: But when we're trying to operate from a place of joy and gratitude, we can take a bad day.
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: I can take a bad day as a mom where nothing went well and I can say how can I use this as good data to change the outcome of tomorrow?
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: What are the things where I go?
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: Okay, that whole meltdown that happened stemmed because I lost my temper, or that whole thing happened because we didn't plan ahead, or that happened because we were multitasking and use that bad day as good data to course correct and adjust, to not make that be the standard in your home, to make it be something that you can course correct for the good.
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: And then the other one is a bad day doesn't equal a bad life, and I think so often when we operate from a place of I want to be happy, which we know we don't want.
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: We don't want to live in a place of happiness, but rather enjoy that when a day is bad, everything just feels yuck and my life is bad and it's not working and nobody cares about me and nobody sees what I'm doing and I'm invisible and nothing ever works out for me.
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: It always works out for her.
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: We can take a bad day and start to believe in our brains that we have a bad life, and let me just tell you that is the evil one trying to get a hold of your spirit and your heart and convince you that life is not good when there is so much good happening all around you.
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: And so I just want to challenge you to use bad days as good data and not to allow bad days to make you think that you have a bad life.
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: And so these are just some things that I hope are helpful.
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: Again, you know I want to be good medicine for my family.
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: I want to, at the end of the day, say I contributed to the atmosphere here in this home in a positive way.
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: It does not mean that we don't mess up, that we never lose our temper, but what it does mean, I think, is that we're slower to repeat the offenses that continuously take us down a road that steals joy and peace out of our home.
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: And when we can shorten those cycles and start to recognize the things that really are the hiccups that get us in these spirals, then we are taking those bad days and we're using them as good data and we're course correcting and we're every day getting a little bit better than the day before, and then we get to show up better as moms and the atmosphere in our homes change, and I think every single one of us would say I want my home to be a place of peace and joy, and so if that's where you're at, I hope my home to be a place of peace and joy, and so, if that's where you're at, I hope that this has been helpful.
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: I hope you can take some of these things, reach out, let me know what you're working on, let me know if you have any tricks that you've used to really cultivate an atmosphere of joy in your home, to get some of that bitterness and up and down roller coaster of the happiness ride out of your life and replaced with joy, so that we can all be at a place where the overflow of our heart is that which is good and beautiful and helpful to our families.
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: All right, well, that wraps up another episode.
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: Thanks so much for being here tuning in another week.
• 42:16
  Speaker 1: Hey, real quick.
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: Before we sign off, I wanna do a quick ask.
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: If you are finding value here when you tune in every week on the podcast, would you be so kind as to leave us a review on whatever app you tune into, whether that be Spotify, apple or any of the others.
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: Reviews are the way that this podcast gets out into the hands of others that might be looking for a similar community.
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: So if this is adding value to you, we would be oh so grateful for that review.
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: Thank you in advance for doing that and until next week, friends, take care.