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Your Life Is Not an Accident (S5) S25:E2 Sun · Inspirations for Your Life

0:24
Well, hello there, everyone.
0:25
It is John C.
0:26
Morley here, Sertile Entrepreneur.
0:28
Great to be with you on Inspirations for
0:29
Your Life.
0:30
It is a Sunday, which means this is
0:32
our day two of our week, where we
0:34
have our master topics started on a Saturday
0:36
and rolling all through the week.
0:37
Guys, if this is your very first time
0:40
here, I'd like to say thank you and
0:41
I'd like to say welcome.
0:43
If you've been here one time, five times,
0:44
10, 50 or 100 times, I'd like to
0:46
say not only welcome, but I'd like to
0:47
say the words thank you and welcome back.
0:50
Really do appreciate those that enjoy the quality
0:52
content of the shows I produce here.
0:54
If you're thirsty, I have a decaf tea
0:56
here.
0:58
Delicious.
0:59
And I have some fresh RO water filtered
1:01
seven times.
1:03
You can go grab a snack, a cookie,
1:05
fruit, whatever kind of floats your boat and
1:08
come on back to the show and we
1:10
will kick this off.
1:12
Don't forget to check out BelieveMeAchieved.com for,
1:15
of course, more of my amazing, inspiring creations.
1:18
And since today is Sunday, so Sundays and
1:21
Thursdays, we do our shout outs.
1:23
Today we're going to do a shout out
1:25
to a coffee shop.
1:28
They actually have two shops.
1:29
One is in Madison, New Jersey and the
1:32
other is in West Palm Beach.
1:34
I'm specifically looking to reach out to the
1:36
one in Madison, New Jersey on 27 Kings
1:41
Road.
1:42
They're closed on Mondays.
1:43
They're open Tuesday through Saturday, 7 a.m.
1:45
to 4 p.m. and Sunday, 8 a
1:46
.m. to 3 p.m. So we must
1:49
have just missed them.
1:50
So I'm reaching out to you guys, first
1:51
of all, to say thank you and congratulations
1:54
for being in business.
1:55
You guys have a company called Sunday Motor
1:58
Company.
1:58
They do all kinds of different cafe things
2:01
there and they have some really nice car
2:04
shows.
2:05
And so I'm reaching out to you guys
2:07
to personally ask you to visit our website,
2:10
jcmacademy.com and let us know that you
2:14
would like us to come and do a
2:16
show live at your place.
2:19
So our show takes about 27, we're off
2:22
the air by 28 minutes.
2:23
It's 15 minutes to set up and 15
2:25
minutes to basically break down.
2:28
Doesn't cost you anything.
2:30
We'll get you some exposure and also we'd
2:33
love to taste some of your treats.
2:34
So if you're interested in that, please go
2:36
ahead and visit jcmacademy.com.
2:39
Once you visit our website, you can go
2:42
to basically the very far right, click on
2:45
contact us, your name, last name, month, all
2:49
that information.
2:50
And you'll put in your country, state, your
2:53
subject, which would be accepting a request to
2:58
host a show at your facility.
3:02
So again, this is basically Sunday Motor Co.
3:06
And so, yeah, so we're hoping that they
3:09
will say yes to us.
3:11
We would love to bring the local community
3:14
together and this is a great way to
3:16
do it.
3:17
So again, congratulations to you.
3:20
Actually Nick and Renee have put a lot
3:25
of their past experience and passion to work
3:26
at the Sunday Motor Company.
3:29
It's a modern American all day cafe and
3:31
brand.
3:32
So we would love to come and host
3:34
a show there.
3:35
Hopefully you will allow us to do that
3:38
and we can help bring the community together
3:41
for both of us.
3:42
All right, guys, let's kick this show off.
3:45
All right, let's do that.
3:47
So welcome, everyone.
3:50
Your life is not an accident.
3:53
This is series five, series five, show 25,
3:56
episode number two.
3:58
And our title is Stop Beating Yourself Up,
4:01
Building a Life on Self-Respect.
4:03
OK, this whole week is your life is
4:05
not an accident, not self-shame.
4:08
You see, you can read the straight from
4:11
people saying it to you or you can
4:15
get out of a book.
4:16
And I think that's an important thing to
4:18
note is that sometimes when we hear it
4:21
from the horse's mouth, we tend to believe
4:23
it more.
4:23
But you could also read a book.
4:25
Right.
4:25
So I have 30 points for you guys
4:27
that I've broken down to three different segments.
4:29
And I think you guys are going to
4:31
really enjoy this show.
4:32
So once again, ladies, gentlemen, a big warm
4:35
welcome for you here on the inspiration to
4:37
your life, the daily motivational show that helps
4:40
you become the person you were always meant
4:43
to be.
4:44
Who am I?
4:45
Oh, sure.
4:46
I'm John C.
4:47
Morley.
4:47
I'm a serial entrepreneur, engineer, marketing specialist, video
4:51
producer, podcast host, coach, passionate lifelong learner, graduate
4:57
student.
4:58
And yes, at Montgomery University.
5:01
And I am now so grateful to be
5:03
a published author.
5:05
And one of things I do when I
5:06
do these little shows is I do the
5:09
live show.
5:10
We interact with some guests if they want
5:12
to be on the show.
5:13
And I also do a book signing afterward
5:16
if the venue would like to do that.
5:18
I did publish a book.
5:19
So love to do that.
5:20
So this week we're in a powerful theme
5:23
called answering the call, which is what we
5:26
did yesterday.
5:27
We talked about how you were not meant
5:30
for average and how to treat your life
5:34
like it actually matters.
5:35
That's our master team for the week, answering
5:37
the call.
5:38
And so answering a different kind of call,
5:41
the call to stop beating yourself up for
5:44
being human.
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Yeah, you heard me right.
5:47
We need to be a little more kind
5:48
to ourself.
5:48
This episode basically comes from the concept of
5:53
what we do to ourselves.
5:55
We take away the self-respect, we respect
5:58
others, but then we don't give ourself the
5:59
same respect.
6:01
If you are tired of being your own
6:03
worst critic, of replaying every mistake, of feeling
6:07
like nothing you do is ever enough, this
6:10
episode is, well, dialed in just for you.
6:14
So my question, ladies and gentlemen, is why
6:16
self-hate doesn't work?
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Hmm.
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Let's start out, shall we?
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First, I'm going to grab another sip of
6:23
my RO water here.
6:26
Let's start with something no one ever tells
6:28
you.
6:30
You clearly are enough.
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You cannot hate yourself into a better life.
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Don't do that.
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You might think being hard on yourself is
6:41
what keeps you sharp.
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You might think shame is what keeps you
6:46
from messing up again.
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But here's what really happens.
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Listen up.
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When your inner voice sounds like a full
6:54
time prosecutor.
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You stop trusting yourself.
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You stop trying new things.
7:00
You start assuming you are already guilty before
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you even begin.
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Self-hatred doesn't build discipline, guys.
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It builds exhaustion.
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It turns every mistake into a verdict.
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It turns every setback into, quote unquote, proof.
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That you were never enough to begin with.
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Think about a friend you truly care about,
7:28
right?
7:28
If they came to you right now and
7:31
said, I messed up.
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Would you start listing every flaw they've ever
7:37
had since middle school?
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Or would you help them get back up
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where they need to be?
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Most of us are kinder to strangers than
7:46
we are to ourselves.
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That's an interesting conundrum.
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We tell other people, give yourself some grace.
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Everyone makes mistakes, right?
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Everyone makes mistakes.
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It is OK.
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You're learning.
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But when it's us, we say, how could
8:08
you do that?
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What's wrong with you?
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You always ruin things.
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That's not discipline.
8:15
That's quiet self-abuse.
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Today is about flipping that script.
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Self-respect versus self-shame.
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Let's talk about the difference, shall we?
8:30
The difference between self-respect and self-shame.
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If self-shame says you made a mistake,
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so you are a mistake.
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Self-respect says you made a mistake.
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So let's learn something and move on better.
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For next time, self-shame attacks your identity.
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Self-respect guides your behavior.
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Self-shame whispers, hey, you, you're broken.
8:58
Self-respect says you are responsible and you
9:01
are still worthy.
9:03
When you live in shame, you start believing
9:06
I am the problem.
9:08
You tell it to yourself enough times, you
9:11
really believe it.
9:13
When you live in self-respect, you start
9:16
asking, what is the problem and how can
9:19
I solve it?
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This matters because you will never consistently care
9:24
for someone you quietly hate, including yourself.
9:30
If you see yourself as a consistent, constant
9:34
disappointment, you will subconsciously sabotage your own progress.
9:40
Why?
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It's simple, because people don't invest deeply in
9:44
things they believe are already ruined.
9:48
Self-respect is not a free pass to
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do whatever you want.
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It is the decision.
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Here's the key, guys, to treat yourself like
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someone whose future actually matters.
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Yeah, that's the point.
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It is saying I can be honest about
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where I am and where I went wrong
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without turning that into a life sentence or
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blame game.
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I think a lot of people out there
10:17
don't understand that it is not about the
10:20
blame game.
10:22
That's not going to do anything for you.
10:23
It's just going to put you down.
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Right.
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It's going to put you down and nobody
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wants to be put down.
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That's important, guys.
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So let's get into those rapid fires, OK?
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You need to stop beating yourself up.
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I want to give you 30 rapid fire
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reminders to help you stop beating yourself up
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and start building a life on self-respect.
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Here we go.
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You don't need all 30 of them today,
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but at least one of these is going
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to feel like it was written and meant
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directly for you.
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Number one, you can't bully yourself into healing.
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Attack never builds trust.
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You are allowed to be a work in
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progress and still be worthy of respect.
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Being unfinished doesn't make you unworthy, quote unquote.
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Number three, I messed up is not the
11:17
same as I am mess.
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One describes a moment, the other attacks your
11:23
identity.
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We all make mistakes.
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We should learn from those mistakes.
11:28
Number four, you can be honest about your
11:31
flaws without hating yourself for having them.
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You see, honesty and cruelty are not the
11:37
same tool.
11:38
Number five, the way you talk to yourself
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sets the limit on how far you'll let
11:44
yourself go.
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If your voice is always harsh, you'll be
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scared to grow.
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Number six, you would never talk to someone
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you love the way you talk to yourself
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on your worst days.
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Think about it.
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That's your key and sign.
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Something needs to change within us.
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Number seven, self-respect says, I can do
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better next time.
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Not, I don't deserve a next time.
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You are, ladies and gentlemen, allowed, OK?
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Another chance.
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Number eight, you don't have to earn the
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right to be kind to yourself.
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Basic humanity applies to you too.
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It's not just for strangers or people you
12:32
care about.
12:33
Number nine, being gentle with yourself is not
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the enemy of discipline.
12:39
It is what makes discipline sustainable.
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But many people I know don't think they
12:45
actually should do this, right?
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They don't think they should do this.
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And the reason is, for whatever reason, they
12:51
just get, they get stuck in a loop.
12:53
And this loop says, you know what, this
12:55
is the way it goes.
12:56
So I'm gonna keep doing this over and
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over and over again.
13:01
I think that's an important piece that, you
13:05
know, you keep doing it over and over
13:06
and over again.
13:07
And I know that can be hard for
13:10
a lot of people to basically understand.
13:14
I know that can be hard.
13:16
Number 10, you are allowed to outgrow the
13:20
version of you that only knows how to
13:23
self-attack.
13:24
Learning a new voice is part of growth.
13:28
It's learning.
13:29
I didn't say it was gonna be comfortable.
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I said you have to practice getting comfortable
13:32
being uncomfortable.
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I've said that many times on my shows.
13:35
Number 11, your past mistakes are chapters.
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They're not entire stories.
13:40
They're not the whole book.
13:41
And you can turn the page without burning
13:43
the book.
13:44
You can also rewrite the chapter anytime you
13:47
want.
13:48
Number 12, you can take responsibility without taking
13:53
on permanent guilt.
13:55
You see, responsibility acts and asks this question,
14:00
what now?
14:01
Guilt just asks, what if?
14:05
See the difference?
14:06
Number 13, you don't have to replay the
14:09
worst moment of your life every night before
14:13
bed.
14:14
That's not being realistic.
14:16
That's reopening the wound, the same one that
14:19
caused you all the problem.
14:20
What you can do before you go to
14:21
sleep is think about the scene going the
14:25
way you wanted it, right?
14:28
Maybe you're saying, I can't do this.
14:30
Maybe the dating go the way you want.
14:31
Maybe somebody didn't say something to you in
14:34
a nice way.
14:35
So you can re-envision that with the
14:37
day going the way you want.
14:38
And that is very, very powerful if you
14:41
keep repeating that little short script, that little
14:44
mini video in your head.
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Number 14, progress is still progress, even if
14:49
nobody else claps for it.
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Your approval can be enough.
14:54
There was a person I was watching the
14:56
other day and the person said, okay, give
14:57
me a, so put your hands together once.
15:00
Okay, good, do it again.
15:01
Do it a third time.
15:02
Oh, great, thank you for applauding for me.
15:04
So number 15, you are allowed to celebrate
15:08
the small wins without adding a disclaimer.
15:11
I did well, but it's self-sabotage in
15:15
a sentence.
15:16
It's not.
15:18
Many people get discouraged with themselves because they're
15:21
not where they want to be.
15:24
They're not where they want to be.
15:27
I think that's a very important thing.
15:30
Number 16, not everyone who criticized you in
15:34
the past was right about you.
15:36
Some of them were just loud, obnoxious, egotistical
15:42
maniacs, narcissists, right?
15:46
There's a whole bunch of words I could
15:47
give you.
15:48
But that person, nor does any other person
15:53
have the right to make you feel inferior
15:56
about yourself.
15:57
The only person that could do that is
15:58
you.
15:59
So don't allow other people to make you
16:01
feel inferior.
16:03
Disassociate from them.
16:05
Number 17, the fact that you care this
16:08
much about doing better means you are not
16:11
the villain in your story.
16:13
Villains don't worry about who they hurt.
16:16
They just hurt.
16:18
Think about that for a moment.
16:20
Let that digest.
16:23
Number 18, you are allowed to forgive yourself
16:27
for things you did when you were just
16:31
trying to survive.
16:34
Survival mode is not the same as who
16:37
you really are.
16:38
But I think we all have gotten stuck
16:40
in survival mode saying, look, I want to
16:41
do this now because I need to survive.
16:43
But it's not about repeating it over and
16:45
over again.
16:45
You're just doing it to get by, but
16:48
it's not the way you want to stay.
16:50
Does that make sense to people?
16:52
I'm hoping it does.
16:53
You can make a big change in your
16:55
life when you realize that.
16:57
Number 19, you don't heal by proving you're
17:01
perfect now.
17:02
You heal by accepting you won't be and
17:08
still choosing growth.
17:13
Choosing growth for a lot of people is
17:16
uncomfortable.
17:17
And I said to you before, guys, you
17:18
have to practice getting comfortable being uncomfortable over
17:21
and over again.
17:21
You have to do that.
17:22
And the more you do that, the easier
17:24
it's going to be because it's like a
17:26
muscle, right?
17:26
When you exercise, the more you use that
17:28
muscle, the more you can get it.
17:30
I'll give you a perfect example.
17:31
Maybe you've done leg exercises and maybe you're
17:33
on the floor and you try to take
17:34
your leg and you try to push your
17:36
leg all the way around.
17:37
What happens the first few times you do
17:38
it?
17:38
You can't do it.
17:38
But the more you do it, the closer
17:41
the leg gets to the floor.
17:42
And eventually you'll be able to take the
17:44
whole knee and push it all the way
17:45
down to the floor without any discomfort.
17:47
But during it, there is some discomfort, right?
17:51
Number 20, beating yourself up has never once
17:56
undone a mistake.
17:57
Never.
17:58
It only doubled the damage.
18:03
And most people don't look at, they figure,
18:05
well, I've got to push harder.
18:07
I've got to try it again.
18:09
But really what they're doing is they're hurting
18:11
themselves.
18:12
They're hurting themselves.
18:15
That's a problem, guys.
18:19
You're hurting your own wellbeing.
18:21
And that wellbeing, guys, is something I think
18:23
a lot of people don't understand.
18:25
I don't think people understand what that's about,
18:29
but they realize that there's something they have
18:32
to do.
18:35
Okay?
18:37
And I know a lot of people don't
18:40
quite understand why this works like this, but
18:42
here, guys, it does.
18:44
So our mentality will feed what we give
18:49
it, regardless of whether it's what we want
18:52
or not, it will keep feeding, okay?
18:55
That's important to understand, all right?
18:59
Many people don't get that.
19:03
And that can make the big difference of
19:06
your life.
19:08
It can make a very, very big difference
19:10
of your life.
19:11
So change now.
19:14
Number 21, self-respect sounds like I can
19:17
learn from this instead of I should disappear
19:20
because of this.
19:23
Hear the difference in the tone?
19:24
I can learn from this and I should
19:27
disappear from this.
19:29
One keeps you in the game.
19:32
And the other kind of says you shouldn't
19:35
even be playing the game.
19:38
Number 22, you are closer to who you
19:41
want to be than the harshest voice in
19:45
your head will ever admit.
19:47
We're hard on ourselves.
19:49
That voice is not an honest narrator.
19:52
It's there, but it's the voice we're hearing.
19:54
It's the one that we keep doing over
19:56
and over and over again.
19:57
And that becomes a very, very big problem
20:00
for people, right?
20:06
That's important, very important.
20:13
I know a lot of you are probably
20:14
saying to me, I don't wanna do that
20:16
because it doesn't feel right.
20:18
I said, it's not gonna feel right.
20:20
I said, it's gonna feel uncomfortable.
20:25
Number 23, guys, the things you regret can
20:28
become the wisdom you use to guide others.
20:33
You see, your scars can become instructions, not
20:36
just reminders of the hurt, but they can
20:39
teach you that that's not the way you
20:41
go or that's not what you do to
20:43
achieve that.
20:44
Number 24, you don't need to punish yourself,
20:49
right?
20:51
To prove you're sorry.
20:55
Real change is a better apology than self
21:00
-destruction.
21:01
But yet people do it every day because
21:03
they feel that if they persecute themselves enough
21:06
that they're gonna change.
21:07
No, they're probably just going to demotivate themselves.
21:17
That's important, guys.
21:19
And a lot of people do not understand
21:22
that.
21:27
They do not understand that.
21:29
That is something I think a lot of
21:30
people, they just don't get it.
21:33
They don't understand it.
21:34
Number 25, you are allowed to speak to
21:37
yourself in the same tone you use with
21:41
a friend in pain.
21:44
You are a non-exception to compassion.
21:48
And I think a lot of us feel
21:51
that we can't be compassionate to ourselves because,
21:54
well, if we did, we'd be too soft
21:56
and nothing would go anywhere, right?
22:01
If that happens, that's a problem.
22:06
And then you're like, I don't think I
22:07
can do this.
22:09
I don't think I can do this.
22:15
Maybe you're saying to yourself, this isn't the
22:19
right thing for you.
22:21
Maybe you're saying that you're just gonna go
22:23
one way, but if whatever happens, you're just
22:26
not, right?
22:29
And that not, I feel, is what pushes
22:32
you over the top.
22:35
Again, not because you're a good or bad
22:39
person, because of the pattern you get into.
22:44
And that pattern causes us to basically do
22:49
without thinking.
22:51
Number 26, high standards and high self-hatred
22:57
do not have to live together.
23:01
You can keep the standard and let go
23:03
of the abuse right now.
23:06
There's no need for it.
23:08
There's no need to live in pain.
23:10
Discomfort is different than pain, okay?
23:21
There's no need to live in pain.
23:28
Discomfort, yes, but not pain.
23:34
That's important to understand.
23:36
Very important to understand.
23:39
And you can change when you realize it's
23:44
the words you're telling yourself, either out loud
23:47
or even in your mind.
23:50
Number 27, guys, the fact that you keep
23:53
getting back up says more about you than
23:57
the times you fell.
24:00
Persistence, guys, is part of your identity too.
24:04
You know, I learned a long time ago,
24:06
it doesn't matter how many times you fall.
24:09
But it does matter how many times you
24:11
get back up.
24:12
If you fall four and you get up
24:14
four, life's great.
24:17
You fall once, you get up once.
24:18
You fall 10 times, you get up 10
24:19
times.
24:19
But if you fall 10 times and you
24:21
only get up nine, that means you're still
24:23
down.
24:24
That's an important one.
24:26
Number 28, you are allowed to start believing
24:29
good things about yourself again.
24:32
It's not arrogance to acknowledge growth.
24:36
Most people think they can't imagine growth because,
24:39
well, they're not there yet.
24:41
No, bask in the growth.
24:43
Number 29, you don't fix your life by
24:46
calling yourself names.
24:47
You fix it by calling yourself forward.
24:52
You can do that by praise.
24:54
You can pat yourself on the back.
24:55
You don't need to get a pat from
24:57
anybody else.
24:59
And if you're waiting for another pat, guess
25:01
what?
25:02
You might be waiting a very long time.
25:09
You might be waiting a very long time.
25:12
That's important, right?
25:20
I think that's an important thing for us
25:21
to understand.
25:26
And I think sometimes people just don't quite
25:28
understand that.
25:38
And I think sometimes we just get lost
25:41
with that.
25:42
We don't necessarily know why something is going
25:46
a certain way, but all we know is
25:48
we feel something different.
25:50
And so we respond.
25:52
A lot of times our neurological system responds
25:55
before our conscious mind's even aware of it.
25:59
Number 30, guys, you are not a mistake.
26:03
Let me say that again.
26:03
You are not a mistake.
26:04
You are not a mistake.
26:05
You are a human being learning how to
26:08
live your life well.
26:09
You're a human being learning how to live
26:12
your life well.
26:12
You're a human being learning how to live
26:15
your life well.
26:16
So I want you to pick one of
26:18
these today that I've shared with you.
26:20
Write it down.
26:21
If you missed it, go back to believemeachieved
26:22
.com after the show.
26:24
Make it your sentence for one week.
26:26
That's all I'm asking you.
26:29
Three practical shifts to build self-respect.
26:33
Now let's turn this from inspiration into daily
26:38
practice.
26:39
Here are the three simple shifts you can
26:41
start today to stop beating yourself up and
26:44
start living with self-respect.
26:45
You ready?
26:46
Shift one, change how you talk to yourself
26:49
after a mistake.
26:52
The next time you mess up, instead of
26:54
saying, what's wrong with me?
26:56
Ask, what can I learn from this without
27:00
attacking myself?
27:02
You still hold yourself accountable.
27:05
You still look honestly at what happened.
27:08
You just stop adding cruelty on top of
27:10
the lesson.
27:11
Shift two, give yourself the same advice you'd
27:15
give a friend.
27:16
When you feel like dragging yourself through the
27:20
mud, pause and ask, if my best friend
27:23
told me this exact story, what would I
27:26
say to them?
27:27
Then say that to yourself.
27:29
You already know how to be compassionate.
27:33
You just haven't been including yourself in that
27:37
circle.
27:38
And shift three, track one act of self
27:41
-respect every day.
27:42
Not 10, not a whole transformation, just one
27:46
act each day that says, I respect myself.
27:51
It might be going to bed on time,
27:54
saying no to something that drains you, apologizing
27:57
without destroying yourself in the process of finishing
28:00
the task you promised yourself you would finish.
28:03
Be sure to check out BelieveMeAchieved.com and
28:06
re-watch these as many times as you
28:08
want and stop abusing yourself now.