Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep9: Dating Rules Exposed/ Who Should Pay First 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep9: Dating Rules Exposed/ Who Should Pay First 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Very excited to be here.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you can tell from where you're setting, but I am a very tall lady.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I love being a tall woman.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Love it now.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hated it growing up, because any tall women in here know being a tall girl, not so fun, right?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you're a tall girl, people only give you two options in life.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's either playing sports or modeling.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: So when everyone looks at you and they're like, you should play basketball.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, yeah, or.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then they're like, mmm, or volleyball?
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: You got big hands, kid, you'll be great.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: And they were not wrong.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: I was very good.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: I was.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, I was good at sports.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: I played basketball in college where my athletes at, huh?
• 0:46
  unknown: Woo!
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's accurate, San Diego.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's accurate.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um so we stay inside.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I love sports though.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I'm very jealous now, especially basketball's really blown up for women.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's a very exciting time.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: It is.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's exciting.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: But when I was on the team in college, nobody cared.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody cared.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: When people found out, uh, the only question I would get was just, oh, so are you gay?
• 1:11
  unknown: That was it.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: That was it.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: No follow-up questions.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: But now people found out I played over ten years ago and they get excited.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: They'll be like, oh shit, super stop.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, alright.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: But now we've progressed as a society, right?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: That stereotype doesn't exist anymore.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: But now I get harder questions.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, I mean, female athlete.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta ask.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: How do you feel about transgender women?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Playing sports.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh damn.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Can you just ask me if I'm gay?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because I know the answer to that.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's I'll give that one right.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: 10 out of 10.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: I've done the research myself.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I am prepared.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: But no, it is exciting.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: I am excited.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very happy for what Caitlin Clark has done for women's basketball.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: But if one more man says I look like Caitlin Clark, I'm gonna kill him.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: I uh I am single.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: I assume we have some single people here.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yes?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: No?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: I like being single.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: I do.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: I think I think I'm finally ready, though, to be in a relationship.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but it's mostly just because I'm tired of getting dating advice from people.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because all of it is terrible, right?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: None of it's helpful.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: My least favorite piece of advice is when people say, hey, listen.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, listen.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna happen for you.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: When you stop looking for it.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because I'm like, here's the thing.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think you know my version of not looking.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because I won't leave my apartment.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, so by your method, uh, is he gonna break in just like girl, if he wanted to, he would rob you.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Men like the chase.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: You should lock the door, make it hard for them.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: They love a challenge.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: But the only good news is now when I hear a noise in the middle of the night, I do get excited.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like I used to be terrified, but now I'll wake up like, I don't know, maybe he's cute.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I should go check it out.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: You never know when you're gonna meet someone.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: He works hard, late hours.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Motivated, you know?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: You could spin anything.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Someone else told me I should go older.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: You ever get that advice?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Go older.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they're like more mature, more likely to want to settle down.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, yeah, they're not more mature.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: We all know that, right?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Those dudes are just tired.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they just want to sit down.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they just want a comfy chair.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: I think you could trap one easily.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: You just need like a lazy boy in Paramount Plus.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's uh but there's definitely perks if you go older, right?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I think the biggest perk is you don't have to worry about them cheating on you.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because you could just read their phone from across the room.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I mean, they could try, but you know.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'll catch it before you hit cent.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: You're not going anywhere, honey.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: But in all serious, I think I would like an older guy, because like a lot of times I feel like I can't even keep up with modern dating.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, did you guys know that people are like now debating like who should pay for the first couple dates?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I thought we were gonna keep that.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's I thought we were keeping that forever.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Which we all know, the unwritten rule, right?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Men, you're paying.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Women, we offer.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Or gesture.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: You know.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I thought that was the nice thing to do.
• 4:46
  unknown: Right?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: We have a lot of women in here.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, clap if you at least offer to pay for the first couple days, right?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you know this though.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Uh men will take you up on your offer.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know that this is happening out here?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is crazy.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, sir, that was a bump fake.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have the card in my hand.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: What are you crazy?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: This is ridiculous.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I understand the argument.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Times have changed, right?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Women, we work now, sometimes we even make a little more than men, right?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing, okay?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: It is always gonna be more expensive to be a woman, alright?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's just what it is, alright?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I get it because men will be like, listen, women, you guys do a lot of stuff that we don't tell you to do, okay?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Men will be like, you're doing a lot.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: You're doing makeup, we don't say you gotta wear makeup, okay?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're doing lashes, you're getting filler, Botox, you don't have to do all that stuff.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: And right?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing: we do.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because if we didn't, we would look like you.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to fuck you.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't know if you know this, we don't even really want to fuck you.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's the only reason you're on a first date with us, is you find us attractive physically.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: You would not be there on date one if you didn't think we were physically attractive.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know if men know this, but women will be on date three with you, like, uh, attraction can grow.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: I heard.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: They said it would happen by now.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Uh he's nice and has a job.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: And your attraction growing has to do with you paying.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we're there.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we'll just keep our head in the game.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's a lot of stuff I do to be attractive that I don't really want to do, you know?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I have to every couple weeks go and get my nails done.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: You think I like sitting there immobile for two hours?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Unproductive?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: But it's like that's to trick you guys.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta put a little color on my nails so my hands seem dainty and feminine.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, when I ask you for help, you believe it.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: So when I'm like, can you take out the trash?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you don't notice that like I could palm a fucking ball.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I got it.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I could get it easily.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Very easily, you know.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing my best.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Doing my best.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, it's hard.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I also I have been trying, I have been trying to work out more, I've been trying to lose weight, which that gets harder as you get older.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that was my news resolution, which feels so lame.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but I didn't know this.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Times have changed with this.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, if you're trying to lose weight, you're not really supposed to tell people.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to lose weight now.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a taboo topic.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's weird.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's weird for me, because I'm in my 30s.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up in the 90s, so it's like, if you grew up in the 90s and you didn't hate your body, are you even a woman?
• 7:44
  unknown: You know?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I someone offered me a piece of cake and I said, no, thank you.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm on a diet, and then I got corrected.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: They were like, ooh, that's shouldn't say diet.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Dieting is toxic.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Also, they've done studies, diets don't even work, okay?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's a lifestyle change.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, okay.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm on a lifestyle change until my brother's wedding.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: So do the math, it's the same thing.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Figure it out, you know.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: But I think it's because of Gen Z, so I think you gotta just use Gen Z terms that they're okay with, you know?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: So now if someone offers me cake, I'm just like, no thanks.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I'm superstitious.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: So sorry, is that carrot cake on a Friday?
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know I'm a Taurus.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's bad luck.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't fuck with that.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: No cap.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's just frustrating because it's like, I am for body positivity, okay?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: I am.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: I hope everyone in here loves their body, alright, appreciates their body.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: I want that for everybody here.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: But at the same time, if you would like to change your body, we should also support that.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because anyone who has ever tried to lose weight, you know how hard it is, right?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it's even harder if you don't have anybody supporting you.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: And body positivity has turned every friend of mine into a hype man that I didn't ask for.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't ask for this.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I could talk to my closest friends about this, right?
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: I just said I wanted to lose 10 pounds.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: And immediately my best friend was like, What?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's crazy.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to lose 10 pounds.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: You look beautiful, you look wonderful.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: You should just love yourself the way that you are.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Also, you look like me.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Are you saying I need to lose 10 pounds?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: And you're just like, fucking yeah.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: And if we did it together, that would really help me out.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: So if you want to go to a spin glass or I'm kidding, she don't have to do it with me.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: And you guys can be very, very fun.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Eric Spira.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm joining us at the show.