Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 2, Season 1: Unveiling the Subconscious Mind

Transcript

Episode 2, Season 1: Unveiling the Subconscious Mind · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Welcome to The Love Dog Podcast, Episode two. I'm your
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: co host, Rano Butcher with our host, doctor Sarah Hensley.
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: Hello. Hi, I'm doctor Sarah Hensley. I'm a specialized social
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: psychologist who's been studying the science of attachment and attraction
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: for over fifteen years, and I am here to answer
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: all of your burning relationship questions.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: Well, I'm really excited about this episode. Oh, me too,
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: because it's going to be interesting. Yeah. So the topic
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: of this episode is the subconscious mind, yes, which really
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: intrigues a lot of people, including me. So I think
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: to start out, just tell us what the subconscious mind is,
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: the science behind it, and really how it works.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: So we have different levels of the mind. We have
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: the conscious mind, which we have access to we can
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: pull up, you know, thoughts in this the conscious mind,
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: we know it's there, it's a full level of awareness.
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: We have the subconscious mind, which is a mind part
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: of our mind that's not completely accessible, but it influences
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: like ninety percent of our behavior, so that's kind of crazy, right,
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: And then we have the unconscious mind, which is completely
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: non accessible, but it doesn't influence that much of our behavior.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: So the subconscious is really in the driver's seat in
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: our lives. And it's so fascinating that people don't know
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: a lot about it, especially how to hack it, since
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: it does control so much of our lives.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: Right, And that's a lot of what you do in
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: your practice, right, you teach people how to hack it absolutely,
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: which is something that takes a lot of consistency.
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: It does.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: It's something that requires a large commitment, yes, because accessing
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: the conscious mind, specifically during conflict is the hard part.
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: That's right, And that's what you need to do to
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: be a securely attached person. You have to remain a
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: conscious individual instead of allowing those primitive subconscious drives that
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: are coming from wounds that live in the subconscious, or
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: negative imprints as some people call them, are really driving
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: people's behavior. But when you can learn to sort of
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: tell the subconscious hold up, back up, take a back seat.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: I'm a conscious person. And we do that by keeping
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: our nervous system in a calm state. When we learn
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: to calm our nervous system, our conscious mind comes online
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: fully and so that's really the key. The nervous system
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: is really that connection piece.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: So let's start from the beginning, right, like from childhood
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: and really how the subconscious mind forms and then what
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: happens into adulthood as we start forming these intimate relationships.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: Sure, so when we're young children are subconscious is kind
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: of a blank slight and the subconscious doesn't really care
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: what messages you give it. The messages just have to
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: be on repeat enough times for the subconscious to sort
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: of take hold of that message and allow it to
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: live there and grow there. So it doesn't care if
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: the messages are hurtful or helpful. Whatever has been on
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: repeat is what it will take in. Right, And so
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: who are the people that we interact with the most?
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: When are subconscious is a blank slate that give us
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: messages about what it means to be us and what
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: it means to be close to someone. It's our parents, right,
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: and so.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: God love them, bless their all. We can news pray
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: for them, right, I love them through it, right, because
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: I mean even now as we're parents, like we're not
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: doing everything right, you know, and I know, like my
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: parents loved me so unconditionally, and but you know, yes
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: they made mistakes, They definitely made mistakes. And I don't
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: think I think it was you the other day that
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: I was saying like, I didn't really even recognize that
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: my parents were human beings until I was an adult misog.
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and then you're like, oh, my parents must have
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: been experiencing this source of stress, right, been dealing with
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: these issues. And you can see it from an adult perspective, right,
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: But as children, children have what we call schemas, which
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: are just sort of just this sort of mental paradigm
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: around what is the child parent relationship supposed to look like?
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: And so a little child schema is like, well, parents
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: are supposed to be your safe place. They're supposed to
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: love you unconditionally. They're supposed to meet your needs, they're
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: supposed to show up for you, they're supposed to protect you.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: But then when parents have their own struggles or their
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: own lack of capacity to give love in a healthy way,
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: it hurts us. It affects us, and those imprints stay
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: with us. And that's very unfortunate because we don't even
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: know those messages are being put there, let alone being
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: carried with us into adulthood, right, and that they're going
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: to play out inside our adult romantic relationships.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: And it also fascinates me that people don't really think
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: about the subconscious mind and how it plays a role.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: Really ever, I mean, and I know this just from
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: my experience in coaching, in your practice, It's like, the
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: subconscious mind is so foreign to people. Yeah, when if
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: this was something that we were taught like early on,
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: so that we could have the understanding of it. Think
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: about how much more levels of consciousness we would have
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: as we go into our adult relationships because we would
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: have more understanding.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and we would have more control of what we
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: allowed to grow there, right right, right, And so so
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: the subconscious mind again, it doesn't care what you give it.
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: It's not like, oh, those are really negative and hurtful things,
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: We're not going to believe those things. It's like, oh,
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: well we've heard that enough times it must be true, right,
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: Or we've seen that enough times it must be true.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: So it's neurological. It's just it'srological.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: It is neurological. So it's housed in the limbic system
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: of the brain, which is our emotional center of the brain.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: So we sort of have three levels of the brain.
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: We have the hind brain, which is their structures like
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: the ponds, the cerebellum, you know, our spinal cord. All
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: of those things that are really there are structures that
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: help our automatic functions like breathing and sleeping and that
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: kind of stuff balance. And then we have the mid brain.
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: And the mid brain is like the lizard brain. It's
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: the animalistic brain. It houses emotion and affect and motivation
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: and access as parts of memory, and it acts as
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: a prediction mechanism for what is about to happen to
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: us right based on all of our past experiences, and
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: so that's where the subconscious lives. Then we have the
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: four brain, which is primarily comprised of the prefrontal cortex,
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: which is the adult rational brain. It's really what differentiates
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: us from animals, the fact that we have this really
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: developed prefrontal cortex and we can make rational decisions, we
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: can learn action and consequence. We don't just operate on
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: instinct all the time, but we actually do most of
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: the time. So because we're acting from that subconscious state
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: within the limbic system, the basal ganglia and the hippocampus,
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: which is adjacent to the midbrain, and certainly the amygdala
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: are structures that are heavily involved in processing of the
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: subconscious and the subconscious relaying messages to us that influence
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: our behavior. So the subconscious again, like I said, it
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: just takes whatever's on repeat. And then its primary function
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: is to use the past as sort of a fodder
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: prediction mechanism for what is about to happen to us
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: right now in this present moment, and its sole goal
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: is to keep us safe. And so romantic relationships become
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: a big part of this. From an evil plutionary standpoint,
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: our subconscious mind, if it's if its largest goal is
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: to keep us safe and to make sure that we survive,
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: and not just that we survive, but our genetics survive,
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: like our children survive. Right, it's really concerned with the
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: survival of us as an individual, but of the survival
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: of our genes and the survival of us as a species.
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: And so whenever there's a rift in your romantic relationship,
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: the subconscious gets real bent out of shape. Because of
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: the mating strategy that we have as humans. We're animals
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: they you know, most animals, not all animals, but most animals.
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: They just they go out and mate with whoever, right,
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: and it's a numbers game. Maybe I'll make enough offspring
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: that enough will survive and my genes will pass on
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: and on species will continue. But humans, our mating strategy
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: is that we form intimate bonds with other people that
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: we stay with long term, and then we have children
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: and we raise children inside of that unit. And everybody
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: knows that children are most protected in a two parent house.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: I mean, the science is very clear on that. That
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: doesn't mean that divorce sometimes isn't the right answer, but
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: if it's a healthy two parent house, children have less
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: risk of gosh, just about every mortality risk factor out there.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: And so if there's a rift in your romantic relationship,
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: your subconscious is like, well, that's a threat to the
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: survival of your DNA, right, So that's a big deal.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: So the subconscious is sort of always looking out for
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: are we okay? Are we safe? Are we going to survive?
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: And when things between you and your romantic partner are
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: not good, the subconscious really kicks in and reminds you
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: of all of these past times that.
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: You were hurt and felt unsafe and.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: Felt unsafe to try to push you into a defensive
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: type of response, a trauma response of fight, flight or
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: freeze or fun to keep you safe.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: So, in terms of the attachment styles, let's break down
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: how each attachment style, and the subconscious mind comes into
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: play in the midst of our romantic relationship.
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: Sure, so the wounds or messages that live in the
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: subconscious are very different for each attachment style. In fact,
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: that is how attachment forms. It forms depending upon what
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: types of messages you were given and then now live
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: in your subconscious and drive your behavior. So the anxious
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: preoccupied person usually had very inconsistent parenting where sometimes the
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: parents were loving and attuned and affectionate, and then other
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: times the parents were absent or did not provide that
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: attunement and love and affection. And so that was what
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: we talked about last podcast, about the intermittent reinforcement which
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: creates anxiety and addiction, which creates, you know, the wounding
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: of fearing abandonment because the times where parents weren't were
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: unavailable like an abandonment right and feeling not good enough.
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: So what the child does when it receives intermittent reinforcement
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: is the child really tries to figure out under what
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: conditions can I receive this love? So if I try this,
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: if I'm like good enough in this way, if I
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: achieve in this way, maybe I'll get love and attention
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: or if I do this thing, maybe I'll get the
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: love and attention because it is intermittent. So the feeling
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: of I'm not good enough and I always need to
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: strive to try to be good enough is a huge
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: wound of the anxious preoccupied.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: Person, and then that translates into the remote romantic relationship
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: as just always needing that reassurance.
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: Always needing that reassurance that they are loved, and sort
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: of always being triggered into that fear of not being
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: good enough that will then lead to abandonment for them.
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: Love is in self worth is really associated with being
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: in a romantic partnership. To be alone is to be
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: abandoned and to be not worthy of love. They are precious,
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: they're warm, they're kind, they're loving, and they just want
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: somebody to love them.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and they don't tend to get reactive.
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: They're they're usually not no, they're actually the anxious preoccupied
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: is just as scared of conflict as a dismissive avoidant,
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: because conflict could mean that they're abandoned. Right, So they're
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: very very hesitant to bring up problems and they lack
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: boundaries and relationships and they can end up being dormats, right,
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: very clingy doormats, but still dormats.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: The fearful avoidant, now they have the trauma, you know,
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: and that's what we were because we had childhood drama.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: And my mom won't love hearing that, but I mean
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: it is true. My dad was bipolar and very unpredictable,
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: and there are some things that happened in my childhood
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: that I think my parents really just brushed off of, like, oh, well,
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: you know, and that's tough.
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: That's part of that generation, the boomers. Yeah, they just
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: sweep things under.
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: The Yeah that's fun, you're fine, stuff, get over it.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: Grub some dirt on it, yeah, because I mean my
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: parents were very similar, especially my mother.
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, So the fearful avoidant has imprints of course
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: that love is not safe. People will betray you, people
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: will always let you down. You can't trust to anybody,
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: you know, maybe not even yourself. Life is unpredictable, and
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: so they have the betrayal wound because if you can't
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: trust your own parents to show up for you, who
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: could you ever trust. So I feel this core to
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: my core. I know I'm actually I'm having like an
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: as MR reaction, like having goosebumps.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: And that goes with listen in case our parents do
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: listen to this, Hey Mom, Yeah, hey Dad, you know
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: it's I want them to know that this all comes
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: from a place of love and understanding, that we understand
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: that they were these human beings and they're the best
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: that they could. No one goes through life unscape, right,
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: Like we all have trauma. Yeah, and some degrees are
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: just higher than others.
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: So my mom did the best that she could. My
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: mom was a great mom. Yeah, she was a DA,
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: but she was a great I mean she was she
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: loved me and she did the best that she could.
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: And I mean my dad really gave her not a
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: lot of great things to work with.
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: So it's funny, like our dynamics were kind of shifted, Yeah,
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: because I feel like my dad was more of the
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: DA and my mom was the fearful avoidant. Yeah, And
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: like my dad was just absent most of the time
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: because he had no choice but to be. And then
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: my mom was always.
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: Yelling, yeah always, Yeah, my dad was a yeller.
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: My mom was more of the like bit deep sigh
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: and just mean look on her Yeah, and the disappeared
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: to go read her book yeah. Yeah, So the FA
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: has just the betrayal wounds. They go into relationships and
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: they're just they're so hypervigilant because if you've been hurt
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: in childhood, you have to you develop this hypervigilance to
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: learn learn how to stay safe. Right, So if my
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: dad is in a bad mood when I got home
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: from school, you know, and I had to really like
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: look like his dad, Okay, is that mad? Right now?
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: You know?
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: Should I stay down stair? Should I just go upstairs
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: and hide in my room? Because if I do something,
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: he's gonna yell at me.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: Right, and just feeling really emotionally responsible, like very that
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: parent like this.
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, And so fas do grow up to feel
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: extremely responsible for other people's emotions, and they're super hyper vigilant,
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: so they can notice like a look on someone's face
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: or a tone shipt or a pattern shipt and like,
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: oh my god, what's wrong? Yeah? Right? What did I do?
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: Are you? Okay?
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: I do this in my marriage.
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: I mean I you know, Donald and I do it.
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: We're both former fays. And then we'll have to be like, okay,
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: I'm putting you under a microscope. I'm gonna stop that, right, now,
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: and I'm just gonna let you have your humanity. You're
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: allowed to be stressed out right now. That is okay.
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: I'm here for you.
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: You know, I don't have to fix everything.
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: I don't have to fix it. I can just be
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: present with you as you have your human But old
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: Sarah would have been like, what's your problem? Why are
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: you so mad at me? Like what did I do?
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, you know, and get really defensive and
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: get really assumptive, and you know, but that's the FA.
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: The fas are hyper vigilant and they give deep meaning
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: to people's behavior. And that's what's part of the pain
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: of the FA is they're like, well, if you're stressed out,
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: I must be part of that. I must be you know,
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: I'm not good enough to make you okay, right, So
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: we really feel so deeply responsible for other.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: People's behaviors and talk about this thing.
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and they're deep empaths. They're deep, deep empaths, and
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: so that's a really beautiful thing. But it can also
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: really work against them when the stories that they're telling
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: themselves about someone's behavior take on a deep personal meaning.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: Well, I definitely feel like the fas that I that
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: I coached, Their nervous systems were definitely like the most.
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: Out of whack, oh for sure.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: Oh god, they were the ones that had all the ailments. Yes,
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: that complained of all the health issues.
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: For sure. And we know that from absolute experiencely well absolutely.
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: That was actually a huge conversation last night in my
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: hybrid group program. So I have several fas in there,
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: and they were all like, I've had all these health issues,
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: and I'm like, listen, I had every one of those.
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: Everything you just listed, I have had those. Those are
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: a result of an over taxed nervous system. The nervous
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: system controls everything in the body. The brain and the
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: spinal cord control everything, and if you are constantly exhausting it,
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: it's going to steal energy from the immune system, from
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: the organs, from other places, and you're going to end
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: up with health symptoms. It is just the way that
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: it is. Stress I think is the is the number
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: one killer. Absolutely, it's the number one killer. I mean,
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: it leads to disease, it does, I think more. And
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: it's funny like you see these really old people that
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: make it like past one hundred, right, and they're like
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: smoke and They're like, I drink three diet cokes, like
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: three Doctor Pepper's a day every day. I've done it
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: for seventy years. And you were like, how are you
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: one hundred and four years old? You're smoking Marlboro or
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: eads and drinking doctor pepper. It's because they don't care
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: about anything. They're They're just like whatever it is, what
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: it is. Their nervous systems are have been regulated from
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: day to one.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: They've probably been drinking doctor pepper and bourbon.
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah. And it's because the fear of like, oh my gosh,
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: if I drink three doctor peppers a day, I'm gonna
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: die'ming to be the Selba.
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that would be me.
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: And you're like no. And that is the one thing
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: that really changed for me when I healed my attachment
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: and I broke away from fear. I used to be
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: so crunchy, like granola mom, Like I would eat all organic,
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: all of my products were natural. I was like, I'm
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: not putting any toxins into my body. And then when
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: I realized that the biggest thing that kept me from
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: detoxing was my nervous system. Remember when I would go
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: to jazzer sized and I wouldn't even sweat. I wouldn't sweat.
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: I'd go through an entire high impact jazzer spice on
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: a beat of sweat. What do you see me now
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: when I teach jazzer size, I'm pouring. I am drenched sweat.
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: Which tells the body that your adrenal glands are healthy.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: My adrenal glands are healthy. I had nothing left of
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: my adrenal plans before. So the FA does have all
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: of this wounding. Their nervous systems are wrecked. They're constantly
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: hyper vigilant that they're going to be betrayed because their
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: subconscious is constantly telling them you're about to get hurt.
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: You're about to get hurt. Beyond guard, beyond guard, beyond guard,
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: beyond guard. People hurt you, people let down, people betray you,
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: and you just go through your relationship like that, And
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: so you're every little thing your partner does, you're going
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: to be offended and triggered by that. I mean, fas
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: are triggered constantly.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: And that's why they're the most reactive.
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: For sure. They have the most pain. They're the deepest feelers,
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: they have the most wounding. Yeah, they're going to be
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: the most reactive. Right, They're going to be the yellers
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: and the criers and the screamers, and the spiteful ones
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: and the passive aggressive one and the manipulative ones, and
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: then we have the sweet, sweet dismissive avoidant. In their
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: subconscious mind, it's all about you know, emotions are just weak.
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: Emotions are unnecessary. Life is logical. Yeah, we just there's
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: no need for them. They're pointless because in their childhoods,
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: their parents just raise them with that oh you'll be okay,
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: quick crying, life's tough, just go out there and be
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: responsible and achieve mentality. And so there was no room
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: for their emotional expression at all. And they learned very
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: very early that emotions are not something to be proud of,
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: not something to share. Nobody's business. Suppress them, shove them
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: down real deep. And so their subconscious imprints and relationships
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: are you know, vulnerability is not safe and intimacy is
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: not safe. And they are too distant. I mean they
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: come in strong because when a relationship is new, there's
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: no expectation or pressure. But as soon as commitment starts
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: and longevity has has been you know, been there, and
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: it's like maybe around the four to six month mark
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: is usually when they bait and switch and they start
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: to pull away. But eventually, with longevity, with commitment, with conflict,
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: they're wounds of I don't do emotions and vulnerability is
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: really lucky start to pop up. And then they distance
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: themselves and they run away from conflict and they don't
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: solve conflict, and they are not emotionally available. They dismiss
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: the emotions of their partners, just like they were dismissed
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: as children. So you know, the subconscious always wins. It
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: always wins until you learn to beat it.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: Right, and so without giving away all your tips.
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: And tricks, well, we would be here for.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: Hours, right, So you know how, like what's the first
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: step in really learning how to take control of the
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: subconscious mind? Yes, and allowing the conscious mind to become
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: the driver.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: Right, So you have to understand the trigger cycle. So
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: what happens is one of those wounds in your subconscious
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: is true by your partner because your subconscious is sort
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: of always looking at is this thing going to happen
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: to me again? That happened to me in my childhood
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: that caused pain? Right, So for like the fa it's
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: like am about to be hurt. They just said something rude.
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, like they hate me, and this is
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: going to go down the tubes, and then you know,
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: I'm going to be in pain. The subconscious is always
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: just trying to predict what's about to happen, so you
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: get triggered. And then the subconscious doesn't have any language,
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: it doesn't have words, so you can't speak to your
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: subconscious and be like, you know what, not everybody's going
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: to betray you, You're going to be fine, right. That
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: doesn't fix the subconscious. The subconscious needs a different experience
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: to believe something different and to grow something different within it.
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: So but there's this domino effect. So the trigger happens,
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: your subconscious creates feeling in the body because it speaks
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: in terms of feeling or nervous system activity. Right, the
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: body is actually the subconscious like the feelings of the
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: body or the subconscious mind speaking to you. And then
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: the thoughts come in, and that's where our consciousness, our
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: actual conscious mind and starts to come online. And the
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: thoughts usually confirm the subconscious trigger that yes, we should
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: be upset because our partner just did at X y Z,
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: how THEA are they right? I'm so mad at them,
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: and then we have a fully realized emotional experience. So
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: emotions are just feeling in the body combined with our
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: thoughts about what's happening. That's all emotion is. And then
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: emotion drives behavior, and that behavior will be in a
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: trauma response, a defensive, self protective fight, flight freeze, or
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: fhon response inside of the trigger cycle. So how do
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: we intervene. It's a domino effect. Thoughts talk to the
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: nervous system which influenced the development of an emotional response,
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: and the emotional response drives behavior, So it's thoughts emotion
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: behavior in that order. And so dismantling the trigger cycle
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: and becoming a conscious person that will give you a
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: different end result and then therefore give the subconscious a
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: different experience to whire back in has to has to happen.
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: So you have to intervene at every level. So I
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: teach my clients is you have to intervene at the
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: thought level first. The very first step and becoming securely
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: attached is to become an absolute boss of your thought world,
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: to be extremely vigilant and conscious, like turn your hypervigilance
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: to your own thoughts, right, right, and constantly challenging them
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: to the truth.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: This is daily, This is a daily practice.
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: It's hourly. Yea, yeah, it's something that I tell them, like,
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: don't wait until you're triggered to try this, because it's
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: not going to happen. You'll be your subconscious that are
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: already taken over. Right, it's already taken over at that point.
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: So it but observing and challenging your own thoughts and
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: having this higher level of consciousness, which we call metacognition
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: thinking about your own thoughts. Observing your own thoughts can
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: become automatic, it can be how you think, but you
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: have to train yourself to think that way. So for me,
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: it's like there's the me that has a thought, and
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: then there's the little me on my shoulder that's like,
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: what what was that? Right? Yeah, And of course I
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: take a very spiritual perspective to that. I mean, I
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: believe that my thoughts come from God or come from
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: the enemy, and but I teach the psychological perspective that
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: you know, maybe your thoughts are organic from inside of you.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: And if that's the case, then you know, you still
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: have to hold them up to the truth. You have
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: to hold them up to their own productivity and their
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: alignment with your values. So you have to become a
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: boss of your thought world. Most people are just like this,
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: passive victim of their.
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: Thoughts, right right. They don't give a second thought to
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: their thoughts.
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: No, their thoughts come in. They the thoughts speak to
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: the nervous system and they just believe them.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: And I mean, I have been guilty of it and
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: still am guilty of it, like I have to.
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: It's hard.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: I have to acknowledge my own self talk for sure,
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: sometimes self deprivation on a daily basis, And like, I
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: don't think that. It was until probably five years ago
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: that I really started thinking, like how much speaking to
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: myself every course? Like what is my inner voice telling
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: me when I look in the mirror.
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: My inner voice was me so mean? Oh for sure.
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: But but I have learned to be like, no, not today,
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: Satan participate. I don't participate in that. I don't participate
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: in that. And so I say it with authority, right,
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: It's not like, well I don't participate, I don't want
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: to participate in that. It's like, uh uh no, that
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: was so that was so evil, that was so ugly,
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: you know, take that thought back to hell where it
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: came from, Satan, I'm not participating in that. In Jesus'
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: name of course, Again that's the spiritual side. But if
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: people that have no faith, I'm like, we'll hold your
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: thoughts up to your own values. Right, So, if you
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: feel like I am a respectful and loving person, if
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: you're not speaking respectful and loving towards yourself or about
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: someone else, your thoughts aren't in line with your values.
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: So you need to correct that, you know, misalignment, and
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: and really hold your own thoughts up to who you
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: believe that you are, because then that's how you become
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: that person, right.
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: And really the person that God always intended.
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: You to be for sure.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: And so I think I find it interesting that, like
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: I feel like our world or the human race in general,
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: is on this journey of reaching these higher levels of consciousness,
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: and like, do you foresee, let's just say in your
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: lifetime that the majority of the human race, it's never
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: going to happen with everyone, right, that the majority of
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: the human race can finally tap into the prefrontal cortex
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: and it will ultimately be the part of the brain
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: that's in the driver's seat. Do you ever foresee that happening.
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: Hmmm, I mean it hasn't happened so far. So, like
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: I don't know, like.
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: Human race becoming so much more conscious it is.
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: I mean, maybe it will be an evolutionary adaptation of
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: the brain. Perhaps, I don't know. And I think that certainly,
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: if you can train your brain to be that way,
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: then certainly everybody's capable of it. Now does that mean
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: that the subconscious then plays no role? I don't think so.
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: I just think that we are able to access more
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: of our conscious mind, be more deliberate people, you know,
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: have a higher sense of self self awareness and man
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: self awareness is just so freaking key.
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it.
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: Is healing and to becoming a loving, respectful patient, emotionally
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: mature human being.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: And you know, and that's really the message. It's like,
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: you're not the healer. You're just teaching people how to
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: heal themselves.
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: For sure, there's something I can do, but I can
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: teach you what to do for you. And yeah. So
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: this so at the end of the day, when it
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: starts with the thought world, right, but then you have
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: to be able to train the nervous system to sort
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: of release that energy that was created when that initial
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: message of lack of safety. First came in and stimulated
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: the nervous system. And even if your thoughts, you didn't
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: catch them quick enough, and they went down the rabbit
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: hole and they spoke to your nervous system telling you
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: you're very unsafe. You have to deal with that. So
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: getting your thoughts in line is part of transforming the
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: emotional experience, because emotions are feelings in the body plus
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: your thoughts. So you're on your way, but you still
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: have to deal with the nervous system that was sent
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: a message very quickly that things aren't okay, you know,
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: and you're pumping out cortisol and adrenaline, ure apenephrine and
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: pro inflammatory side of kinds and all the things. And
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: so I teach something called self neuro feedback, which we
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: do not have time to go into that entire, entire exercise.
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: But the brain is so fascinating. It responds, It responds
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: to information about its own functioning. And so if you
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: give it the right and if you give it information
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: that it's making the wrong decision, like it doesn't differentiate
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: between emotional threats and physical threats, real threats and imagined threats.
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: So most of our relationship issues are like imagined emotional threats, right,
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: They're just little tifts that turn into something big, and
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: our nervous system thinks we're getting attacked by a grizzly bear.
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: But we can train our nervous system to go, hey, no,
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: this is just a small emotional disturbance and I'm actually
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: confident and capable of handling this. Stand down, no grizzly
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: bear here, and let's release that energy. Let's release that,
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: you know, allowing the nervous system to come back down
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: into its parasympathetic activation, and then our consciousness is driving
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: our behavior. Then it's like, no, I need to step back,
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: take a breath, because that's like the generic advice people get.
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: It's like, step back and take a breath when you're triggered.
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: You're not gonna freaking remember or step back and take
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: a breath. Right, That's like that's the dumbest advice. I'm sorry,
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: But if you ever if somebody's like I have this
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: rage problem and I just yell at my kids count
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: to three and take a breath, that's not how this works.
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: The trigger cycle weapons in point one second. Right, So
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: if you haven't made stepping back and taking a breath
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: and automatic behavior that you do all the time in
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: your life outside of being triggered. You're not going to
• 31:13
  Speaker 2: be able to call on that skill when you are triggered.
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: You have to build capacity, and building capacity means that
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: you practice these things so they become automatic behaviors, They
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: become very ingrained, so that when you are triggered, that
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: automaticity takes over and what's already been ingrained in practiced
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: is still there, right.
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: And then the result is a different behavior and therefore
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: a different experience for the subconscious.
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: Moment, right, that rewires something different back in because most
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: of the time, the trigger cycle, it's a huge self
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: fulfilling prophecy. The subconscious is the master of self fulfilling prophecies.
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: So let's just say you're the anxious preoccupied and you
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: are triggered into I'm not good enough, right, and then
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: you become really anxious and clingy and like trying to
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: really beg and seek reassurance, and your partner is like
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: really off, like put by that, right, and they're just
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: like they pull away because the anxious is usually attracted
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: to the more avoidant person that will pull away because
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: of that, and it puts a lot of pressure, right,
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: So what are what message are they getting back from
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: the avoidant person You are not good enough. I'm pulling
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: away from you as you try to come close to me,
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: and then they go into their you know what, what's wrong?
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: Like you know, do you really still love me? Are
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: we okay? Like what's going on? And then the avoidance
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: like oh right, even more turned off? And then so
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: their experiences when I get close to someone, they pull
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: away from me and they abandon me, and so that
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: reinforces the message back to the subconscious that everybody's going
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: to abandon you and you are in fact not good
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: enough to be loved. But instead when you learn like, okay,
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: my more avoidant partner, my dismissive avoidant partner has taken
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: a little space. People are allowed to have space, and
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: that's okay, right, I might check in with some curiosity. Okay,
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: is everything okay? You know, just checking on you? Okay,
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: it's fine. I can soothe myself in this moment right now,
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: not saying don't have boundaries and if there's too much
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: space that doesn't feel good to you, that you shouldn't
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: execute your boundaries. But what I'm saying is if you're
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: not immediately triggered by that. If you can challenge those
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: thoughts first off, of like, just because he's taking a
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: little space doesn't mean I'm unloved, right, That's how he
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: calibrates his nervous system is by taking space. So you know,
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: if we can challenge that thought, then that leads to
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: a different emotion of like contentment, like I'm actually okay,
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: Like you know, he's allowed to be human and take space,
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: but I'm content I can go read my book or
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna take a walk, I'm gonna do whatever. And
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: then like you're okay, and the subconscious goes okay, like
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: you aren't good enough.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: Fine, partner comes back around, yeah, and it's like hey,
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: on their own term, Yes, yes, that's right, because you
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: didn't smother them right with your anxiety. And there's the
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: secret sauce, ladies, and we did it. Yeah. Well, if
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: you want to know more about doctor Sarah Hensley's metacognition
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: and all the wonderful things that she teaches in her practice,
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: you can visit her website at the Datingdecoder dot com.
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: And please, if you liked this episode, we are so
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: excited to get this project underway. You know, subscribe to
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: doctor Hensley's YouTube channel and please like, share, and follow
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: abs and until next.
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: Time, Yeah, we've covered a lot, yes we have.
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: We have, and so please tune in for episodes to come.
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: And we're just happy to be here and to be
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: providing this wonderful information for you guys, and absolutely yeah,
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: So until then, love, peace and perspective, farewell