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Who Are You Beneath the Roles? Building a Stronger Sense of Self · Candid Coach Conversations

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Good morning. How many of you would like to build a stronger sense of self?
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I'm Kimberly Boyd and welcome to Candid Coach Conversations.
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Today I have with me Teresa Anderson,
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a certified Live Life Flay coach and author of The Table.
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And today we are going to be talking about building a stronger sense of self.
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Good morning, Teresa. I'm so glad you're here.
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Good morning, Kimberly. Thank you for having me.
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Yes.
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So today we're talking about building a stronger sense of self.
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And I'd love for you to kick us off.
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Like what comes
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Mm-hmm.
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to mind when you hear that phrase,
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building a stronger sense of self?
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I'm definitely a questions girl.
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So my mom called me a why child as a as a young person.
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So it's
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~
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like, why are you always asking why?
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Right? So I think for me, a set of questions usually comes to mind immediately.
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It's almost like who am I, what role am I performing?
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Am I performing a role? Or am I fulfilling a role for someone else?
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Can I separate who I am from what I do for people?
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~ can I identify the value?
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That belong solely to me? Do I recognize where I've adapted myself to belong?
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Please perform, behave on somebody else's behalf,
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essentially. Just really learning to hear my own voice beneath everyone else's
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opinions, I think is kind of where mine mind goes immediately.
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So I'm super curious, if you were mentoring somebody and they said,
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Hey Teresa, like how can I build a stronger sense of self for myself?
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Like what are some things you would tell them?
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I think
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we would have to get really clear on their values because a lot of
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the times people believe that they have a set of values,
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but once you start really breaking down like this is so this is what you believe,
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you wouldn't do anything else,
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you wouldn't make another choice or a different decision in this motive.
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you really start to see that a lot of their values are based
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on somebody else's beliefs. And so I think you really have to get down
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to their foundational beliefs and what their foundational values are.
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And for me, I there's like a tree that I like to use.
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I really like to like center in on like spirituality,
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like things that are easy for them to really kind of hone in on.
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What are your spiritual beliefs?
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What are your religious beliefs?
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What are your faith factors? Right.
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And when once we get them talking about what they really truly believe.
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then you quickly start to see that some of the scales of everybody else's beliefs
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start to fall off. And you can really center in on what their values are.
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And so that's where I would personally start the conversation.
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beautiful. So and I love that you brought up values because that is something
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for me when it was talking when I first started working with a coach years ago,
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it came up like building a stronger sense of self and really gaining clarity about
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what it is that I wanted, what was I working toward,
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how was I going to achieve whatever it was.
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And I did, I had to get clear on the values.
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Something that pops up for me often,
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like as a core value, is honesty and trust.
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Mm.
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And so and it's simple things,
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but then I say simple, and for some,
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maybe it's not so simple. I don't know.
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but like doing what I tell myself I'm gonna do.
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If I say I'm going to I would never say this,
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but if I were to somehow one day say I'm gonna go jogging in the morning.
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I would never say that either.
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So if anyone ever says I said that,
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y'all don't believe it, okay?
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Yeah, don't believe it at all for me either,
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because nope.
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but let's just say that I s I don't know how come jogging even came
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to mind because that is not something I would say.
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And if I said, Okay, tomorrow morning I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna go jogging,
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and since honesty is such a big deal to me,
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then I wanna be able to trust myself to do the things I said I'm going to do.
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Mm-hmm.
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And same with talking about it with other people.
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If I say, yes, I'll get XYZ to you by Tuesday,
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then by golly, I need to do it by Tuesday.
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I don't need to say, ~ shoot, all this stuff came up because I do think
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it creates a stronger sense of self when we do follow through and do
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the things we say we're going
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to do. I think I'm rambling.
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Yes.
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I got jogging stuck in my brain,
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so
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I love that idea too, because I think when you're practicing that,
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maybe that's not so easy, right?
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Maybe it's not easy to keep your word.
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Maybe you're kinda the person that's like tends to people please a little bit.
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So you'll say yes to things when you really need to say no.
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You'll l overload your schedule in a way that at the time at you start walking that
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out, you can't actually meet all of those demands.
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And so then you have to slowly start letting people down.
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And so I
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Mm-hmm.
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think practicing like low stake choices,
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you know.
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Pulling like five people, right?
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Like, what do you think I could practice that's just about me
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in this particular sphere of our lives?
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So maybe it's with your spouse,
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you know. Maybe you pull them aside and say,
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Hey, what are some things that you really notice that I love?
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What are some things about me that you notice that I do consecutively?
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Right? And see what they say and see if you can stay active to those choices
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and those decisions for yourself and really get clear on is this
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A part of my sense of self, or is this something that I've been practicing
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for other people? Because sometimes it takes a little bit
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of an exploratory experience to find our values,
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to know whether or not this is really connected to me,
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or if this is connected to my idea of being a mom,
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or my idea of being a wife, or my idea or role of being a coworker.
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and so I think that's where we get to really kind of play with the idea
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of the sense of self and figure out what really is just me and not.
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Some ideal that I've built.
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Okay, so when you're saying to take a poll from five people,
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Yeah.
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you're saying, okay, what is it about me or something that you've noticed about
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me that I do pretty consistently or consecutively?
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That'd
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Mm-hmm.
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be one question. And then the other one you said was what what is something that
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you think I really like? Is that what I heard?
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Yeah, what is something that
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you you find you hear me say that I'm passionate about?
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Okay, gosh, what if all five people say something different?
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Well then I
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would be wondering if are all of those five things my passions,
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right? And
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~ yes.
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then I would say, okay, or is it just depending on who I'm talking to?
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Right? Because I think that's
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Mm-hmm.
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kind of the experience there, or the experiment rather,
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is does it change? Do my values change depending on who I'm speaking to?
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Because then I think maybe it's not about you and it's about them.
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Okay, tell me what you mean. Tell me more.
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I mean, if I'm speaking to my boss and all of a sudden my values are being
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on time and time management and doing this and doing that,
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but I don't speak that way in any other sphere in my life,
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is that actually
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God thank you.
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a value or is that just pendant on who I'm speaking to?
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Got it. Okay. Yeah. Okay,
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Yeah.
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good. And that's such a good example too.
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Yeah, it's a good example. 'Cause I do
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Ha ha
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I think it goes back to maybe it's not as strong of a value and maybe
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you do have that value for time and consistency,
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but
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it shows up differently.
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Mm-hmm.
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Absolutely.
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I think, and that's the beauty of it too.
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And also in that polling of people,
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right? What you could also be practicing is choices.
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So I'm gonna choose to do this one thing with this person.
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Because a lot of the times, sometimes if we get back to the people pleasing
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and the boundaries, which I think boundaries and people pleasing are gonna come
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up a lot in your self-talk, also your ~ beliefs of self.
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And so, like who is my genuine sense of self is gonna have to have some parameters
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around it, right? So we can't get out of this.
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conversation without talking boundaries and then some of the weaknesses like people
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pleasing and things like that.
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Because we really do have to determine,
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is this something that is true to me and that I really want to hone in
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and focus on so that I can propel my future in a way or is this something that
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I'm doing that's actually wasting my time,
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right?
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done.
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Yes.
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Yeah. And
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so when we get to polling these people,
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we can kind of like formulate some choices there too.
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Like, you know, my husband always wants me to go for a walk with him,
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but I don't really want to go for a walk with him every day.
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What if I did that once or twice a week instead of five days a week?
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And then I did something for myself the other three days,
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right? So almost like in a safe space,
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start really trying to decide for yourself what do you want those days to look like?
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And I think you can also use that like
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small group of people to really self-explore what is my sense of self
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in regards to some of my daily features as well.
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Not just like who I am as a person and what what makes my soul happy,
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but more so who am I on a daily basis?
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Like what do I want to practice that really feels in alignment with who I am.
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Yeah, I love that. So beautiful.
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Which makes me think of your book,
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The Table. And
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Mm.
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so when I think about and I want to hear from you,
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obviously. when I think about the table and all the words that you have
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put into that book and the time and the effort and the energy,
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I mean like real dedication and thinking about this building a higher sense of self.
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~ or stronger sense of self.
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Mm-hmm.
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How does the table help people do that?
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I would say the table is such a good piece in sense of self because
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it really activates like parts work.
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And what I mean by parts work is sometimes we walk through our lives
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and we play different roles. And in those roles,
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we become different versions of ourselves.
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And sometimes those roles they stick around a little bit longer than they need to.
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And maybe they even govern parts of our lives that we don't necessarily need them
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to govern anymore. Almost like rubble.
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The protector, right? So am I still showing up super protected
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and protective in every sphere of my life?
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Or, you know, can I take the armor off?
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And can I just sit and allow protection to show up when it needs to?
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And know that I have the bandwidth for protection.
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but also, is it serving me to be hyper protective in every interpersonal connection
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that I have? Or is it working against me and it's actually being driven
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by an insecurity that I haven't addressed?
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Dressed, right? And so the table is really good for a sense
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of self-activation because it kind of moves you through the the the parts
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of you that maybe we've got to put to bed or they we need to put them on a timer.
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Like this person shows up only in these spaces.
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You know, I need a a rubble when someone's messing with my kid and Mama Bear shows
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up, right?
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Yeah.
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Like I want, I want rebel in that space.
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But
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Bull four.
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One thousand percent
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Yeah.
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but maybe I don't need her everywhere,
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you know.
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So something that poc I've read the table now a couple times.
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Well, several, not a couple, because couple is two,
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Thank you.
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and I've read it more than
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twice. so then I guess what's coming up for me is and I don't know,
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tell me if I need to just hush.
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like for readers to read it one time,
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like read it one time through.
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With j open mind, open heart, be still,
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read it one time through, then
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Mm-hmm.
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go back and read it again.
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With a look inside.
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Like who
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Yes.
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am I relating to? Or what part of me is being activated when I read about Rebel?
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What experiences have I had in my life where I didn't even know that Rebel
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was there? And wow,
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Mm.
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there Rebel is. And then take time and read it a third time.
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at least I would say a third time.
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To I guess really hone in, like
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on the different characters or the different parts in the book,
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relate it to themselves and then find their own healing within.
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What do think? Like it's a different kind of read for sure.
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I think that's beautiful.
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I mean, I'm super excited that you read it three times anyway.
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I love that.
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Okay.
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Thank you so much. I love you.
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You are amazing. Everybody, I hope you read the table three times.
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Yeah,
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at least I at least because I do think you have to read it one time through
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for the story and the second time for a better understanding and then relating
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and then that third time to really okay,
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yeah, I've never had this part or dang it,
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this part has been here and this is the part that I want to be more present.
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Yes.
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I do
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it takes like three for your brain and your heart and your p body
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to like really grasp it all.
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I love that. And actually that's something s several readers said to me,
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like when they left little notes on things,
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they said, It's a book that I'm gonna read over and over again.
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And I think the beauty of that is like knowing who is at your table,
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right? What parts of me have I developed throughout life?
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What did they believe then? What do they believe now?
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What are they protecting? What strengths do they carry?
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How much of that do I wanna carry into the present day,
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into the future self? And
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Do I know what I want now? Do I know that I feel different or that I,
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you know, I've healed these particular areas?
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And if not, then maybe I do need to call a counselor or go into something like that.
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But if I've done all of that work and I'm ready to move and manifest
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the future self, well then maybe I need to call a coach.
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Right? Maybe I need to get into a coaching experience where someone
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can really help me define for myself who am I in the future?
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Who do I want to be sitting across if I was sitting across from my future self?
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Yes.
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And I
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mean, I think I love that we developed the community reclaiming yourself because
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I do think it is a sense of self-community.
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It is really gravitating towards who are you,
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who do you want to be, what have you been in the past,
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who have you been in the past?
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You know, paying them grace and love and honor because you needed that version
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of yourself to be in existence at that time for the multiplicity of reasons that
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it arised within you. And I think that is a beautiful thing.
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And we're not gonna shame or disclaim or dishonor that.
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We're gonna honor it. We're gonna love every version of ourselves.
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And then we're gonna ask, what were you teaching me?
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And what can I carry forward? And who do I wanna be now?
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And that's the shift towards the future or to the present,
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right?
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Right. my gosh, yes. So love to the
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future and absolutely to the present.
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Yes. And I love that you brought up the community.
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Okay, so for people that are listening that don't know,
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we have the Live Life Fully Club.
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The information can be found on the website at llfully.com.
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But we have the Live Life Fully Club.
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And within the club, each club member has access to different communities.
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So Teresa has her community. I have a community with my Lee.
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It's called Life Accelerator Community.
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Has a community for Live Life Fully Motherhood.
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Shantae has a community, level up,
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Guadalupe has a community called Get Out of Your Own Way.
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So within the club, there's all these different communities,
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and each community goes live once a month.
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And if you can't make it to the live,
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not a big deal. All calls are recorded,
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and you have your own access to the portal where you can access all the communities.
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So as Teresa was saying, yes, she developed a community within the club.
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And she takes a monthly deep dive into basically this whole topic,
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which I didn't think about when we started today,
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about building a stronger sense of self.
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And so yeah, definitely,
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definitely fabulous.
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Yes, I hope you guys will all join us.
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It's every third Monday of the month at noon.
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And if you can't, the sessions are recorded,
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but all of these communities are amazing.
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And so I would take a gander and just be a part of all of them if you
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can at some point or another. Not that you have to do that weekly or monthly,
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but at least when you
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Ha
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can. But I do
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Yeah.
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love the idea of the sense of self-connecting to the table because I do think
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for me that's where a lot of it rose was really getting clear on naming my values,
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separating roles from identities,
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you know.
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Finding the borrowed pieces. Like,
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what do I believe about myself today that's not showing up in my actions?
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Right? This nurturing, curious,
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adventurous, creative person that I genuinely feel that I am,
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is she showing up on a daily basis?
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And the answer was no.
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She was not. And so I had to get more intentional about living
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a life where the nurturing, the curious,
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the adventurous, the creative spark in me could actually have a place daily
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to exist. And sometimes that was in journaling and sometimes that was
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in riding a bike with my kids.
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And other days it was taking off and going to the beach and sitting on
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a lawn chair there just looking at the ocean.
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It just depends on what it what it is in the week or what the week calls for or
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And then checking in with me, right?
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What do I really need today? Sometimes it's lighting a candle like
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we talked about last time or blowing bubbles at the car,
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right? It's finding the thing that you need in the moment to feel like that most
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authentic version of yourself.
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it and it really does not have to mean you've got to go spend tons of money each
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day or each week. And I think that's a lot of times where people they miss that.
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They think it's got to be this big huge ordeal and it could be sitting
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out on your porch listening to the birds chirp.
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Absolutely.
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It's all it's the currency of time is really what it takes.
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And I think that's why people feel like it costs them so much money.
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Because it's not really money,
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it's time, it's consistency. It's loving yourself enough that you will choose
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to do the thing that you need to do on a weekly basis that helps you build
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and put your oxygen mask on before you put the oxygen masks of others on,
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like they tell us in the plane,
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right? It's exactly that piece.
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It's choosing you.
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It's time currency, is what it is.
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And I think we have to get more comfortable with the time currency portion
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of prioritizing ourselves. Because when we do that,
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we only get better and bigger for others.
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We now have the room, and the cup isn't overflow,
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the cup is overflowing, but in a way that's more beautiful and not in
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a way where it's like, my gosh,
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I gotta stuff this all back in and try to get my life right,
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you know.
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Exactly. Yes. Right. my gosh, that's funny.
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And I had a actualization
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Ha ha.
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that occurred. Let me get my life right.
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Wait. Let's
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cover that up real quick.
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We I mean I think it's good to build self-trust in that way too.
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Like make small promises to yourself and keep them.
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Self-trust grows through evidence.
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You need evidence, but in order to do that,
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you have to make the decision to self-trust.
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And that looks like saying, I have five minutes to light a candle or twenty
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to take an Epsom salt bath. I have twenty minutes to start working on this goal that
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I have, even if it's in the beginning stages,
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right?
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I mean the table was probably written three times before it was actually written.
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And then even after it was written,
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I still took out like a hundred and ten pages.
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So there's always room for really narrowing down your vision.
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And you've got to give yourself space and time to do that.
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It doesn't have to
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Like
19:40
be this linear experience. Yeah,
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it can it can look a little a little different.
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It can have 30 minutes one day and 15 the next.
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It can change and expand as needed.
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Yeah. And I'm glad
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that you brought up linear because like when we really stop and think about it,
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I'm like, is there anything linear?
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Really? Like really. If I'm doing something
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I don't know, like even emptying the dishwasher.
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I can be emptying the dishwasher and a timer go off,
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a song start playing, a phone call comes in,
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a dog barks, whatever. My dishwashing dishwasher emptying experience
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is not linear. It's got like these little blip blip blip things.
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Right? So now I'm like,
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Yeah.
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is there anything in life that's really linear?
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I don't know.
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I don't know, that's hard. I mean,
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maybe maybe for certain types of brains,
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right? 'Cause I know certain types of brains will operate and they need they need
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consistency and the idea of linear experiences.
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But I think the average person is gonna ebb and flow through most
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of life's occurrences. Yeah.
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'Cause even with consistency, I'm like,
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mm, I'm pretty consistent on a lot of things.
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Mm.
20:57
Might be a touch of something.
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but I still don't even know if
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Maybe.
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that means it's linear. I don't know.
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Now I'm gonna have to do this deep dive into where what in life is actually linear.
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This is what I'm gonna do this afternoon.
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Cause now my
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Yes.
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brain is stuck on that.
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Anyway, that is Kiberly's research for this afternoon is linear and writing it down.
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~
21:19
Mm.
21:19
my gosh. Yeah.
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And I think too
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on that point, like a strong sense of self isn't rigidity.
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It's like I can change my mind without losing myself,
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you know.
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my gosh, yes. Say that again. Hmm.
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Yeah, and I can change my mind without losing the plan.
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I can
21:35
change my mind without losing the behavior modification.
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There's just changing your mind is not the problem.
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The problem is when we we get stuck in the idea that we have to do it a certain way,
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it's better to be open to the diversity of thought because who knows,
21:53
maybe this next thought that you have is actually way better of an idea than your
21:58
primary thought. So being expansive enough not to hold yourself to
22:03
a rigid scale when it comes
22:05
to the evolution of a sense of self.
22:08
So good. Let the rigidity go. She might be speaking
22:12
Ha ha ha
22:14
to my OCD, y'all. Maybe.
22:17
I know.
22:17
gosh.
22:18
Speaking OCD, I did have a professor in school when I was working
22:21
on my master's degree. Great man,
22:24
super hard, but he was like because I would like tease about my OCD and Kimberly,
22:30
you know, a touch of OCD is not a bad thing,
22:32
especially in grad school. Like you need it to anyway,
22:36
so I hold on to his words.
22:38
Yeah, and I don't think it is always a bad thing.
22:41
I have people close to me that I always remind them like there is a gift in that.
22:45
You know, sometimes it can cause other issues and you can create
22:49
Sure.
22:50
systems for that, but it's there is a d a gift in it.
22:55
And let the original
22:56
go.
22:57
You gotta let the rigidity go.
22:58
Yeah. And I think the beauty too there is like practicing self-definition,
23:04
right? Like so we move from people see me as toward I believe myself to be.
23:09
And that is very different.
23:09
Love it.
23:11
Very different. Yeah.
23:13
So I
23:13
believe myself to be someone who can change her mind,
23:16
for instance, talking about where we're at,
23:18
right?
23:20
Yes. As opposed
23:21
Yeah.
23:23
to
23:25
As opposed to people see me as someone who has it all together all the time,
23:29
who has the master plan every day.
23:32
Love it. Yeah, that's huge. Very good.
23:34
Right.
23:34
And then that sense of self also allows for you to like shape shift some days.
23:38
Like maybe you wake up with a cold or you don't feel well.
23:41
You're not on your, you're not a 10 that day.
23:43
A sense of self also has to hold and embody the idea that I need days to self-care.
23:50
I need days where I'm gonna focus on like my healing or,
23:54
you know, really be becoming a little bit more stable on my diet
23:58
or the supplements that I need,
24:00
getting to the doctor, doing things that may not actually fit in the schedule.
24:04
But are just as important. If it were my child,
24:07
I would get up, I would go, I would do it immediately.
24:09
If they were running a fever, I'd be running out the door.
24:12
But if it's me, I'm getting up,
24:16
I'm figuring it out, I'm powering through,
24:18
I'm mowing through my pain, and I'm showing up for everybody else instead
24:23
of prioritizing that I need caldo and I need some sleep,
24:29
probably, and maybe I need to go to the doctor,
24:32
you know.
24:34
So that rigidity, it doesn't always fit in the sphere of a sense
24:38
of self because your sense of self is gonna occupy that space of you that's moving,
24:44
like that you're intentionally listening to yourself as well
24:48
as navigating your values.
24:51
So good. Well, Teresa, so what do you want people's takeaway?
24:55
Like if you had the wand and said it and today's takeaway
24:57
what do you want people to leave here today considering,
25:01
asking themselves, wondering about?
25:05
I think for me it would be trust yourself,
25:08
believe that what you know, feel,
25:11
notice, and want are valid. Express yourself.
25:16
Can you communicate truth without shrinking,
25:19
performing, or over-explaining?
25:20
And choose yourself.
25:24
Make decisions consistent with who you are,
25:26
even when there's discomfort for others.
25:30
So beautiful. Yes. my gosh. I'm so glad you came on today and I look forward
25:36
to you coming back again soon.
25:38
I always love chatting with you and y'all again go read the table.
25:43
Three times. Read the table and live life
25:45
Read the table.
25:49
fully and enjoy every moment. We'll see you soon.