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Seeing Ourselves: Attachment, Trauma, and Reflection · Trauma Free Relationship

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Today we're diving deep into a crucial concept for healing
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attachment trauma. It's called the reflective
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function. We'll explore how this important
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skill helps us understand ourselves and others, especially
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those with anxious and avoidance styles of attachment.
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Because trauma often leaves hidden, encrypted messages in
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the form of symptoms, behaviors or patterns, the reflective
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function is a joint effort of both partners to decipher this
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code, understanding the underlining meaning and origin
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of these messages in ourselves and our partner.
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Welcome to trauma free relationship.
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I'm Tom Philp, your host, and as a therapist, I've spent over
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10,000 hours helping couples work through the trauma so they
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can repair ruptures, heal their wounds, and communicate from a
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place of wholeness and connection.
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Let's get started, OK? As I mentioned in the opening,
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we're going to talk about something today called the
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reflective function, and this comes straight out of the
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attachment literature. So what is the reflective
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function? Basically it's it's the ability
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or the capacity to mentalize or to reflect on how we think about
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our thinking and our feeling. So it's being able to have
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another term they use is theory of mind, meaning being able to
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think about how we think and think about how we feel and be
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able to understand that accurately and also be able to
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understand that in others. Why is this such a crucial
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capacity for healthy relationships and emotional
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regulation? Because when we can reflect on
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ourselves it what happens is it allows us to have more empathy
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for our partner and ourselves. It opens U roblemsolving
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caabilities. It creates selfsothing and
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allows us to navigate conflict better as as well as just
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general interpersonal skills when we can be able to reflect
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on our own thinking. Why did I do that?
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What was behind that? What might have caused me to act
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or behave in that way? Is this a pattern?
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What feelings might have motivated me to say that or act
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in such a way? Those kinds of questions we take
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for granted a lot of times, but sometimes they're very implicit
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and and we don't often think about, oh, well, that's a really
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a highly advanced skill because it really is.
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And that skill is developed through attunement with our
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caregivers. So the ability to reflect or the
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reflective function as I'm talking about here today, is
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through through thousands of interactions with our caregivers
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where we learn to put our thoughts and feelings into
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perspective and to understand how our own mind and the minds
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of others work. Every time our parents help us
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be able to reflect on our behavior, reflect on what we
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were really feeling, understand the difference between primary,
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secondary emotions, help us reflect when we're being
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defensive or anxious. And they offer us that safe
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haven that we so need and crave for during those times, helps us
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be able to explore ourselves, our own thoughts, feelings and
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motivations. So that's the reflective
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function. And it is very, very important
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in understanding how to navigate our relationships as well as
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being able to heal trauma. So let's talk about what happens
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if you fall into the more anxious attachment style.
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What does the reflective functioning look like?
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Or how might it be more challenging for you if you have
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more anxious attachment? First thing you need to know
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those with anxious attachment. The way the reflective function
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shows up is that it it conflates, it collapses often
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times the inside world with the outside world.
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In other words, the the anxious attachment style has difficulty
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distinguishing our own realities or own anxieties from reality.
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If I'm anxious, everybody must be anxious.
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So they often times they equate what they're feeling on the
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inside with what may be happening on the outside.
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So, for example, somebody doesn't show up for lunch.
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And so the, the conclusion for the anxiously attached person is
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instead of, well, they were just busy, but rather, well, they
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don't really want to have lunch with me.
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I, I, I saw the excuse, I read the text.
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You could see right through that, you know, and, and so to
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see how they conflate those, those two realities.
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So they're, they're pulling away because they don't love me as
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opposed to they're just busy. They can't make a lunch because
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they don't like my my company as opposed to they just had
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something come up and it was an emergency and they couldn't make
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it. So you can see by these examples
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where the reflective functioning is, is what's happening on the
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inside of the individual is automatically assumed to be what
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reality is about. And so as a result, the
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anxiously attached person tends to do a lot of mind reading and
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catastrophic thinking. If I'm feeling anxious, then
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others must be feeling anxious too and they're causing my
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anxiety. They tend to over focus on the
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other's perceived intentions and feelings without truly
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understanding them. So you didn't just hurt me, but
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you intentionally meant to hurt me.
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And being able to distinguish for the anxiously attached
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person between somebody's behavior versus their intentions
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can be difficult. They tend to struggle to
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regulate their intense emotions without external validation.
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As we've talked about many times on this podcast, the anxiously
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attached person needs a lot of reassurance.
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They need a lot of other soothing.
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That's part of how they soothe themselves is they reach out and
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they need that reassurance and that validation from others that
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they're good enough that they're measuring up.
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And so they have difficult to reflecting on their own role in
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relational dynamics as well. What did I do to perhaps 'cause
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that bad interaction, I didn't like the way that went.
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What might have been my role? My husband was on the couch and
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he was doing fine watching the the the game.
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And I came over and the next thing I know we're in a fight.
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And what did I do? How how might have I contributed
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to that fight? Did I catch him at a bad time?
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Should I have asked to talk to him some other time?
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And when he said no or he didn't make eye contact, I immediately
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saw that as rejection. And he doesn't care about me and
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he doesn't want to talk about my feelings and he doesn't care
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about my feelings. He only cares about basketball.
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Did I immediately make assumptions and mind read and
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catastrophize what might have happened without my ability to
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look at myself in that situation?
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So that's a little bit about the anxious attachment style and how
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it this they might be challenged in terms of the reflective
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function. Now the avoidant attachment
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style is almost just the opposite.
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They act as if the outside world has little or no bearing on
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their inside world. So no matter what goes on around
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them, they tend to dismiss or simply intellectualize their
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emotions and others as well. They have difficulty accessing
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their own internal world. I feel numb, I feel fine.
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They might disassociate. They, they, so they, they, they
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have difficulty being able to draw on their own feelings as a
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way to, as a way to be able to get the information from their
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feelings that informs what's happening in their life and
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their world. And this is where the more
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avoidant attachment style really has challenges because they lack
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the ability to understand what they feel to draw on those
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feelings as valuable information about about their relationships,
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especially with their partner. They may also misinterpret
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others bids for connection as demands or threats.
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So their partner comes to them, they're a little bit upset, you
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know, Hey, I'd like to talk. I know you're watching the game,
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but I really love be able to. Do you have a few minutes?
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And instead of them looking at that for, oh, well, they're
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upset and they want some connection here.
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God, they're so demanding and they just want to control
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everything. They want to tell me how to
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feel. They want to tell me what to
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think. And so they don't see it as a
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sense of connection, but rather as a sense of demand or
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controls. They also can lack poor empathy
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for others because they can't draw on their own emotional
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needs and because they're out of touch with their own feelings.
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They often really struggle to be able to empathize, to understand
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the emotions and feelings of others.
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As I said earlier, they might see others emotions as a way of
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trying to control them or as a demand or a threat as opposed to
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oh gosh, they must. They're angry.
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But underneath that anger, I know they're just scared.
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I know they're really just scared and I can just sit with
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them and I can be there and I can understand that.
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So instead of having that kind of insight, they really struggle
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because again, they aren't able to sort of understand their own
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emotions and how that informs their relationships.
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So they really struggle to understand the emotions of
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others. And again, they, they have
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difficulty reflecting on the impact that their withdrawal
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creates on others. If they shut down, if they
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intellectualize their emotions, if they struggle with empathy,
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then really they have a difficult time being able to sit
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with other people's emotions and understand them.
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And so they tend to withdraw and, and they tend to pull back
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and, and maybe physically, but certainly emotionally as well.
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And, and because of that, there's a tendency to focus on
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external logic rather than on internal estates.
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So if I can just wrap my head around what you're saying, and
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if I can just really be able to, you know, analyze and tear
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apart, then I'll get to the core of what's happening here and
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I'll be able to understand it and I'll be able to give you a
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logical response back that should be able to end our
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argument. The problem is they don't
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understand why their logical response isn't accepted by their
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partner and their partner is just left reeling because
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there's no emotional response to it.
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It's just all intellectualized. So that is certainly some of the
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ways that the more avoidance style struggles to to be able to
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reflect on their own behavior and how the outside world
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impacts their inside world. So what can you do if you're an
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anxious person to help with the reflective functioning?
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Well, one of the first things you can do is practice self
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soothing and emotion regulation before engaging with others.
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So if you want to go to your partner who's sitting down on
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the couch, you might recognize first of all that maybe your
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partner doesn't want to talk right then, or maybe they're in
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the middle of something and this isn't a good time.
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And when they when they act upset or inconvenienced and and
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you sense that it's not a rejection of you, it's just poor
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timing. So go and ask them, be able to
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self soothe and ask them, is this a good time to talk, Hey,
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this was happening, do you have a moment?
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So on and so forth. So being able to practice self
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soothing and emotion regulation opens up a space for you to be
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less likely to misinterpret. Another thing you have to do,
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and this I've seen is a real, real struggle with more anxious
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style of attachment. You've got to be able to
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challenge your assumptions. You've got to be able to
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challenge your assumptions. If you see your partner pulling
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away, it may not be a rejection of you.
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It might be something going on with them.
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And if you automatically assume that my partner doesn't want to
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hear my feelings, this, this throws me back into my trauma
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where I don't feel good enough. I'm constantly trying to make
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relationships work. It's all up to me.
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If you don't challenge those assumptions, then those
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assumptions will lead you down the same path every single time.
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You'll repeat the same patterns in your relationship every
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single time. So one of the things you can do
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is start journaling to track your thoughts and feelings and
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to identify those triggers. It's really important for that
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to happen because you want to be able to identify your triggers
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and the associated thoughts and feelings that come along with
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them. You can't challenge something
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that you can't see. So This is why the reflective
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function is so important in being able to go.
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Oh, I see how I was seeing that situation.
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I automatically assumed that because they couldn't break away
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and have lunch with me that that somehow they were rejecting me,
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that something was wrong with me and it may have had nothing to
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do with me at all. So you got to sleep.
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Seek clarity directly from others as well.
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Use this phrase that I use all the time.
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Can you help me understand? I'm not sure what that meant
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when you wanted to finish the game.
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It felt a little bit rejecting, but I, it may not have meant
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that. Can you help me understand what
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that meant? So you've got to be able to seek
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that kind of feedback, which I know is very, it's very
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sensitive to ask for that because what if they did say,
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yeah, I didn't really want to talk right then.
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I was really hoping we could just wait till after the game.
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And so being able to seek that feedback can be a vulnerable
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thing to do, but it also can be extremely important because
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you're not going to be able to see the inside, how it's
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different from the outside without being able to challenge
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those assumptions. So those are some things that
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the more anxious style can do. What about the more avoidance
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style? One of the things they can do is
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they can take small steps toward emotional recognition.
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They really need to be able to start to feel their feelings and
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the physiological correlates. So what am I feeling in my body?
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Where might I be feeling this? What does this feeling indicate
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to me? What do I, when I have this
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feeling? What do I tell myself about what
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is happening? And so being able to get in
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touch with their feelings is going to be very important, and
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being able to find the bodily sensations as clues to their
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emotions. All core emotions have a
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physiological component to it. We use these phrases like hot
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head because we tend to hold stress and anger in our head and
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our shoulders. We use the term heavy heart
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because often times sadness and hurt it resides in our heart.
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Or we talked about butterflies in our stomach because often
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times we feel anxious and it feels like it sits in our
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stomach. So being able to determine what
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is the physiological correlates that go along, what are the the
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places and the sensations in my body that are giving rise to
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these emotions. Very important for the more
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avoidance style. Learning to tolerate discomfort
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and intimacy. Often times the avoidant at any
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at any sign of discomfort, especially like anxiety, they
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immediately go and they turn off their emotions.
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They are masters at being able to lock that down and for good
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reason because often than not the environment they grew up in
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was not tolerating of their feelings.
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So why would you have feelings if there was nobody there to
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receive them? Why would you have feelings in
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an environment if nobody would allow you to have those feelings
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or could tolerate those feelings in you?
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You don't. You learn to shut them off.
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And so practicing active listening and asking open-ended
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questions is really important to be able to challenge the
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reflective functioning in yourself in the more avoidant
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style, as well as being able to identify patterns of withdrawal
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and reflecting on their underlining fears.
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Part of the reason they that that a more avoidant styles tend
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to withdraw is because of the fear that comes up, the fear of
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getting into an argument, the fear of escalation.
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And those may be well founded fears, but unless they're able
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to stay engaged a little bit longer and less they're able to
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stay engaged with their partner and hold those uncomfortable
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feelings a little bit longer than they would normally,
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they're not ever going to be able to use their feelings to
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guide any kinds of solutions they want in their
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relationships. OK, if we put all of this
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together, what does this mean? If we're able to have our
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ourselves and our partner be able to reflect better and and
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increase our reflective functioning, what does that mean
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for the relationship? Well, first of all, under we can
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understand each other's internal worlds better.
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Remember, a relationship is an emotional bond.
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It's not a negotiation, it's not a contract.
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We're not just two brains showing up.
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We are emotionally connected to one another.
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So being able to understand each other's internal worlds is
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absolutely crucial and the way we do that is by talking about
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feelings and perceptions. Another benefit of this is that
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we develop empathy for each other.
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For sure. We definitely want to be able to
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step into each other's shoes and understand feelings and
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intentions behind our partners behavior.
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We need to be able to communicate more effectively,
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right? Communicate breaks down when we
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get caught in these cycles, but if we can start expressing
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what's happening internally with us, this opens up a whole new
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door of communication in our relationships.
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We can also learn to Co regulate better so we can learn how to
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reach our partner and soothe them so that we don't get caught
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and escalate into cycles. And more importantly, we can let
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our partner reach us and soothe us so we don't get triggered as
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often either. And then finally, we can begin
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to process the traumas together. We can understand more when our
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partner is being triggered what their trauma is indicating to
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them about what's happening in the relationship.
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And we can move from a place of triggering those traumas to a
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place of protecting those traumas in our partner.
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And that's really crucial, I often say to couples, when you
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can move from a place where you trigger each other's traumas to
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protecting each other's wounds and hurts and traumas, then
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you've opened up a whole new relationship and a way of being
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with each other. OK, well, I hope this was
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helpful in terms of understanding more about the
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reflective function. This is very crucial in the life
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of relationships. It's very crucial in in just our
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day in and day out behavior. Being able to understand how it
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works, evolves our feelings, our intentions behind what we do.
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Thank you all so very much for listening.
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As always, I really appreciate it and we'll talk to you next
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time.