Latest / The Wicked Daughter - Caring For Your Aging Parents, One Meltdown at a Time / E021: Discharge Deadline: Cars & Furniture Wars

Transcript

E021: Discharge Deadline: Cars & Furniture Wars · The Wicked Daughter - Caring For Your Aging Parents, One Meltdown at a Time

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to The Wicked Daughter, caring for my aging parent one meltdown at a time.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: If you're new here, I'm helping my mom recover from a serious accident and preparing to bring her home to live with my husband, Dave, and me.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: After intensive care, a ventilator, two surgeries, and weeks of rehab.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Mom was making an incredible recovery.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: So incredible, in fact, that rehab moved her discharge date up by an entire month.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Which was wonderful news.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Except Dave and I were living in an RV and Mom's condo wasn't big enough for all three of us.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: We needed to find a house where we could live together, and we were suddenly racing against a deadline.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually we found one.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: But now we had to get it ready, find a vehicle that would work for mom, and finish her bedroom all before she came home.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently, I was supposed to be a real estate expert, an automotive accessibility specialist, and an interior designer.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: All while maintaining my existing position as mom's daughter.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the clock was ticking.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Transportation had actually become a challenge long before we started shopping for a car.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: While mom was still in rehab and unable to transfer in and out of a regular vehicle, getting her to appointments meant arranging for specialized van transportation.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: It was expensive, required planning, and made even a simple doctor's appointment a reduction.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: I talked more about that experience in episode 15, so if you want to hear how we managed those early transportation challenges, you can always go back and give it a listen.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: But even then, I knew I needed to start thinking ahead.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Once mom could safely get in and out of a car again, what kind of vehicle would we need?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now, Mom had finally been cleared to bear weight.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Her progress was better than we'd expected, and the goal was for her to use a walker most of the time once she came home.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: We'd still need a wheelchair for longer distances, so we decided a transport wheelchair would make more sense than the full-size wheelchair she'd been using in rehab.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: If you've never dealt with wheelchairs, a transport wheelchair is generally smaller and lighter than a regular wheelchair.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's designed to be pushed by someone else.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: The plan was for Mom to use her walker as much as she could with the transport wheelchair in the car for longer outings or days when she needed a break.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: I also got a handicapped parking plate card so we can park closer to wherever we were going.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: The last thing I wanted was for Mom to manage getting in and out of the car, only to have to walk halfway across a parking lot before we even got to the door.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: We were trying to make getting in and about easier for her while she continued to recover.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that brings us to the car.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: The van transportation we relied on wasn't going to be our long-term solution.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I needed a vehicle Mom could get into and out of safely, with enough trunk space for the wheelchair.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: I just had one small problem.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: I had absolutely no idea how to evaluate all of that by wandering around a car dealership or Googling for information online.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Then I discovered something I didn't even know dealerships offered.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: 24-hour test drives.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently, you can sometimes take a car home for an entire day and see how it works in your real life before deciding whether to buy it.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Who knew?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was able to try three different vehicles and take mom to a doctor's appointments in each one.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now that mom can transfer into a car, we no longer needed to pay$150 for van transportation every time we had an appointment.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was very happy to leave that expense behind.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Ideally, I'd have chosen a small car.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Mom is all of four feet eight inches tall, and a smaller vehicle would have made getting in and out easier.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: But I couldn't shop for convenience alone.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: I needed enough trunk space for the transport wheelchair.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to find a vehicle that offered enough room for the wheelchair without making getting in and out of the passenger seat too much of a struggle.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Getting mom into a car wasn't simply a matter of opening the door and saying, hop in.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: We had to consider the height of the seat, where she can put her feet, what she can hold on to, and how she could position herself without losing her balance.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, she needed to be able to get back out safely too.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Fortunately, the occupational therapy team at rehab helped us work through the process.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: They showed us how to position mom, where she can hold on to, and how I could help her safely.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: I also bought a little step stool and some hand straps that attach to the car to give her something to hold on to while getting in or out.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Almost every car I looked at had a grab handle above the passenger door, but mom couldn't reach it.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Only one vehicle I looked at had a handle on the front passenger dashboard, which worked much better for her.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: These were not the type of things I thought I'd be comparing when I started shopping for a car.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I'd be looking at mileage, safety features, and value.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, I was evaluating passenger seat height, handhold placement, and trunk dimensions.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty sure the salespeople had never seen quite this particular kind of test drive.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: But the 24-hour test drives were invaluable.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: I could try each vehicle with mom, see how she managed, and check whether the wheelchair fit.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't going to buy a car based on what I hoped might work.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: I needed to see it work.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, we're still waiting for the HOA approval and the lease on the house to be finalized.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because apparently, buying a car and preparing for a house for an early discharge wasn't enough excitement for one week.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: The car was about more than getting mom to doctor's appointments.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: It was also about getting her back to doing the things she loved.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: The car was about more than getting mom to doctor's appointments.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: It was also about getting her back to doing the things she loved.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Mom's a very social person.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: She loves being around people, catching up with friends, and going to gatherings.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And after three months in the hospital and rehab, she'd missed an awful lot.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Friends and family had been calling, texting, and visiting her, but there's a big difference between seeing someone in rehab or the hospital and actually being able to go somewhere and spend time with them.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: So when three social events came up, I decided we were going to work toward getting mom there.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: I told her that if she wanted to attend, we needed to make sure she could transfer safely in and out of the car and into and out of a chair with my assistant.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: This wasn't about making her jump through hoops just to have a social life.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: We needed to know we can manage these outings safely.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so Mom worked hard.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think having something specific to look forward to helped motivate her.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: These weren't just exercises or another task to get through during therapy.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: There were people she wanted to see and events she wanted to attend.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: And she made it to all three.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: These were the first social gatherings Mom had attended since her accident.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: When we arrived, Mom was mobbed.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: People were thrilled to see her.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: They wanted to know how she was doing, hear what happened, and tell her how glad they were that she was getting better.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: It was wonderful.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Mom was still recovering, she was still using a wheelchair, and we were still figuring out what she could manage.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: But for a little while, we weren't dealing with her as a patient in a hospital or rehab facility.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: We were out in the world, surrounded by friends, doing something that had nothing to do with medical equipment or a therapy schedule.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: We got to see mom being mom.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: And after three months of hospitals, doctors, nurses, and constant uncertainty, that meant more to me than I can explain.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I needed those moments too.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'd spent so much time worrying about where we'd live, how we'd get her around, and what she'd be able to do when she came home.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Seeing her surrounded by people who loved her reminded me what all that preparation was actually for.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't just about getting Mom out of rehab, it was about helping her get back to the parts of her life she loved.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: And speaking of getting Mom settled into her new life, there was still one rather substantial issue waiting for us at the house.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: The bedroom furniture.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: The guest bedroom in the new house was furnished, but the furniture wasn't gonna work for Mom.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then there was still Mom's existing bedroom set.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: She had had a queen size bedroom set for over fifty years.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Fifty years That furniture had outlasted who knows how many decorating trends, survived several moves, and earned its retirement.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, it wasn't going to fit comfortably in her new bedroom.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: The room was smaller, and we needed enough space for mom to move around safely along with room for her belongings.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: A full size bed would give us more flexibility.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: I explained it to Mom.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: She said she understood.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: But apparently understanding doesn't mean she's done discussing it.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: We kept having conversations about why the Queen Size bedroom set won't work in the room.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And mom argues with me as though I'm the person responsible for the architectural limitations of the house.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: And just for the record, I'm having these conversations while I'm recording this episode.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, Mom, I'm literally telling the story about our ongoing disagreement, and you're still making sure your point is heard.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because apparently, just in case there's anyone who might be unclear about how mom feels about giving up that bedroom set, she's going to make absolutely sure we all know.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're sitting there thinking, yep, this is my life too, that's exactly why I created this podcast.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because there are plenty of places to find information about caring for an aging parent.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes you don't need another checklist.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: You just need to know somebody else gets it.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: If the wicked daughter has become that place for you, hit follow so you don't miss the next episode.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want to help me keep making these episodes, you can support the show through Buy Me a Coffee.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link right in the podcast description.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can't, or don't want to contribute financially, that's completely okay.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Sharing an episode or telling another caregiver about the show helps more than you know.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, back to the story.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: I understood why she wanted to keep it.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: She was leaving a home and a life she'd known for decades.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: And now we were asking her to give up familiar things too.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: When so much has changed, those possessions can feel like the last little pieces of the life you recognize.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want Mom to feel as though she was losing everything familiar, but I also had to be practical.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: We needed a room where she could move around safely, where there was space for all her belongings, and where the furniture actually fit.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Getting Mom to understand that was much harder than I expected.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't just trying to explain the dimensions of a bedroom.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was trying to balance what she wanted with what I knew we needed to make this work.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I was doing it while we were racing towards the discharge date, trying to get a house ready and figuring out transportation.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: So we went shopping for a full-size bedroom set.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: We were on a deadline, mom's discharge was approaching, and we needed to find something that could be delivered within a week.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: No leisurely browsing, no taking three weeks to decide whether we liked the finish.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: We needed to find something Mom liked, something that would fit the room, and something that could arrive in time.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: We also had to negotiate the retirement of a bedroom set that had been around longer than some marriages.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've ever tried to explain to a parent why they can't take something they've owned for 50 years into their new home, you know that sometimes the hardest part isn't finding a practical solution.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's getting everyone to agree that it's the right one.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: And another item on the discharge preparation list was getting checked off.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: The house was coming together, mom was getting out to see her friends, and for the first time I could picture what life might look like when she came home.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Those three social events had given me a glimpse of what we were working toward.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Mom wasn't just recovering physically, she was starting to get back to being herself.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: We still had the HOA approval and lease to finalize, furniture to get delivered, and a discharge date that wasn't going to wait for us.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: Dave and I were preparing to bring Mom into our lives in a whole new way.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: And we were doing it while still getting settled into a new home of our own.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: We'd come a long way, but we weren't home free yet.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: And as I was about to discover, getting everything ready for mom to come home was one thing.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: Figuring out what happened after she got there was going to be another adventure entirely.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's coming up next week.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, take care of yourself too.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the wicked daughter, caring for my aging mom.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: One meltdown at a time.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: When your friends say cherish this time, you smile while you're losing your mind.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: Was it the pharmacy line or the rush our doctor drive?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: So you swallow that glare with a laugh and a sigh and say, Don't fret, dear.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: We're having the time of our lives.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, we're having the time.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: The time of our life.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_01: Wicked daughter.