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7 - The Problem With Mission Before Marriage · Masculine Containment

• 0:00
  Brother, if your mission comes before your marriage, you are building a house of cards.
• 0:04
  There's this model in the men's space that says a man must prioritize his mission above everything else, that his deepest purpose comes first, that if he orients to his calling, everything else will fall in place.
• 0:15
  Now, this actually helped a lot of men stand up and find purpose in their lives and stop collapsing into approval seeking and emotional reactivity.
• 0:23
  It actually helped me.
• 0:29
  it actually caused a tremendous amount of challenges.
• 0:32
  And the house of cards eventually came down.
• 0:35
  There was a point where my wife told me, Alex, I don't feel seen.
• 0:38
  I don't feel heard.
• 0:39
  I don't feel safe.
• 0:40
  And if something doesn't change, I can't do this anymore.
• 0:43
  See, I wasn't prioritizing her.
• 0:45
  I wasn't seeing her for what she is, the foundation of everything I do.
• 0:49
  I've been married for 22 years and I've had a lot of missions, but she has been the constant.
• 0:53
  And I remember some of the conflict.
• 0:55
  I remember reading different books and different papers and different opinions and listening to speakers.
• 1:00
  And I told myself that I was building something bigger for both of us.
• 1:04
  I even convinced myself I was doing it for her.
• 1:07
  But what I realized later is this.
• 1:09
  When the bond in my relationship was unstable, my mission became destabilized as well.
• 1:16
  On the outside, things looked great.
• 1:18
  I was producing.
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  I was helping people.
• 1:19
  I was making money.
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  I was moving forward.
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  But internally, I knew something was off.
• 1:22
  And.
• 1:23
  See, without the initiation of masculine containment, without learning how to create real emotional safety and security for my wife, my mission slowly became ego-driven.
• 1:32
  And I'm sorry to say that, but it did.
• 1:35
  And not because I wanted it to, because, and now this is important, without devotion, ambition fills the vacuum.
• 1:46
  Even when I was helping people, there were seasons in my life where I felt pressured instead of purpose, drive instead of devotion.
• 1:53
  What changed everything was not abandoning my mission.
• 1:55
  It was initiating into devotion.
• 1:57
  When I began practicing containment consistently, when I made emotional safety in my marriage the priority, the discipline priority, the growth that happened in me was rapid and overwhelming and my mission didn't shrink.
• 2:08
  It became clearer.
• 2:09
  It became cleaner.
• 2:09
  It became more organized, more integrated.
• 2:12
  The tension between a devotional marriage and a burning mission, it made things electric instead of destabilizing.
• 2:20
  And I didn't create hierarchy where she was less important than my mission.
• 2:24
  It was both and.
• 2:26
  See, the tension did something I didn't expect.
• 2:29
  It stripped away everything that was unnecessary.
• 2:32
  When I felt the polarity between the pull of my marriage and the pull of my mission, my excuses disappeared.
• 2:38
  Right?
• 2:38
  And wasted time disappeared.
• 2:40
  Distraction disappeared.
• 2:42
  Procrastination is not even a thought, much less an issue.
• 2:46
  Because I stopped telling myself I didn't have enough time.
• 2:49
  I became more precise.
• 2:50
  I became more productive.
• 2:51
  Not because I was grinding harder.
• 2:52
  Not because I was hustling.
• 2:54
  But because my priorities became massively clear.
• 2:57
  My relationship and my mission.
• 3:00
  Because when devotion and mission are both real, you can't afford drift.
• 3:04
  Today, I am so focused on building the Brotherhood Society and sharing masculine containment with the world.
• 3:10
  And I am so focused on my wife, Katie, and having the absolute best, most devotional relationship we can.
• 3:17
  Because the tension between those two, it clarifies.
• 3:20
  It forces you to eliminate what doesn't matter.
• 3:22
  It forces you to execute.
• 3:23
  Instead of feeling torn, I felt the line and I feel alive today.
• 3:29
  See, mission evolves.
• 3:31
  It changes.
• 3:31
  It can become different things.
• 3:33
  Covenant is long horizon.
• 3:35
  I want my wife to be with me for the rest of my life.
• 3:37
  She is the most important thing in the world to me.
• 3:40
  And when I look at so many leaders and influencers in the online space, when I see them chasing revenue, scale, visibility, numbers, as if those metrics were the ultimate scorecard for their lives, you know, the reality is some of them even say this out loud.
• 3:55
  This is the ultimate scorecard for my life.
• 3:57
  I feel concerned.
• 3:59
  Because I know what it's like to build something impressive while your bond at home quietly weakens.
• 4:07
  I know what it's like to be succeeding at work and feeling like you're failing at home.
• 4:11
  I know what it's like to put so much effort and energy into a business that it actually becomes avoiding being home.
• 4:18
  Because this feels more fulfilling and feels easier and feels more fun than going back home and spending time with your wife.
• 4:25
  Because when you lack devotion...
• 4:27
  and you create a hierarchy of mission over her, you're going to create massive destabilization at home.
• 4:33
  There's a better way.
• 4:36
  This is not marriage over mission, and it's not mission over marriage.
• 4:39
  It's integrating the two.
• 4:41
  If your business is expanding, but your wife feels alone, your strategy is incomplete.
• 4:46
  If your marriage is stable, but you've abandoned your calling, your devotion is underdeveloped.
• 4:50
  For the married man, a long-term covenant in a devotional relationship, devotion through masculine containment is not optional.
• 4:57
  It's not optional.
• 4:58
  This is the refinement stage.
• 4:59
  This is the growth stage.
• 5:01
  This is what I call the revealing stage where you actually become who you really are.
• 5:06
  I know that's what happened for me.
• 5:08
  It's a door to the world of evolution and awareness for us as men.
• 5:12
  And when you live it, you feel it.
• 5:13
  The tension between the two lights you on fire.
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  It drives you.
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  It stretches you.
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  It reveals who you are.
• 5:19
  I know this is how it works for me.
• 5:23
  I've sat in masculine containment with my wife every day since December 26, 2023.
• 5:29
  We've sat down and I've created containment in other areas of our relationship.
• 5:32
  When she's emotional, when she's feeling insecure, when she's feeling vulnerable, I lead with curiosity.
• 5:37
  I find out what's going on for her.
• 5:39
  I understand more about her.
• 5:40
  And when I find that I'm not able to do it, that's my work.
• 5:43
  That's the thing that I need to go focus on.
• 5:45
  I take that to my EMDR therapist.
• 5:47
  I spend time in neutral.
• 5:48
  I go for a walk.
• 5:50
  I make sure that I understand why I'm responding and reacting the way I have.
• 5:54
  Because here's what I know about masculine containment and what it's done for my relationship.
• 6:00
  It's made me calmer, more present, more grounded, and more in the room, which is a superpower.
• 6:05
  It's increased my capacity for everything.
• 6:08
  Because sitting with her and creating that integration of mission and marriage, that integration of this is my purpose and this is who I'm doing it with and who I'm doing it for and who supports me and sees me and validates me has literally changed everything in my life.
• 6:24
  It's made it so my mission is on fire and I can't stop thinking about it.
• 6:28
  And any time that I have left, I want to be with my wife and connecting with her and creating intimacy with her and building the foundation of our lives.
• 6:36
  So while I know that it's a really popular opinion that mission comes over marriage.
• 6:44
  What I'd like to propose is there's a better way.
• 6:46
  When you integrate the two and you create polarity between the two, that tension will help you grow both, will help you step into your full capacity and become the man you've always known you are.
• 6:58
  It will reveal yourself to yourself in a way that you never thought possible.
• 7:03
  I'm telling you this from an embodied place because that's what it's done for me.
• 7:06
  I know I would not be leading the Brotherhood Society today and I would not be sharing this information about masculine containment had I put mission above marriage.
• 7:16
  By integrating the two, it revealed so much to me and I know it can do the same for you.
• 7:20
  Thank you for being here with me today.
• 7:22
  If this landed, subscribe.
• 7:24
  I'd love for you to and leave me a comment.
• 7:26
  I'm new at this.
• 7:27
  I'd love to hear from you.
• 7:28
  Thanks for being here.
• 7:31
  Thanks for listening.
• 7:32
  If you're ready to learn more about masculine containment so that you can have more capacity, show a present grounded and aware, be the calmest man in the room who always wins, go to thebrotherhoodsociety.com.
• 7:44
  The Brotherhood is an international organization of men and a society where we learn masculine containment so that we can be better at everything we do.
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  And I'd be honored to walk this path with you.
• 7:55
  I'll see you there.