Latest / Pursuit of Sassiness / Why Has The Bar Gotten So Low In Dating?

Transcript

Why Has The Bar Gotten So Low In Dating? · Pursuit of Sassiness

0:17
Speaker 1: All right, I do Part two.
0:18
Speaker 2: Family, I'm back with part two of our last podcast.
0:22
Speaker 1: I am mister Wright.
0:24
Speaker 2: I'm here to tell you all the things that men
0:27
Speaker 2: are thinking about and picking up where we left off
0:29
Speaker 2: with our last set of questions. Well, Leslie forty six,
0:33
Speaker 2: says this. She says, dating takes so much effort in
0:36
Speaker 2: time time I don't have anymore like when I was
0:39
Speaker 2: in my twenties. How can we make ourselves more excited
0:42
Speaker 2: about dating and take away the stress and anxiety from
0:45
Speaker 2: it being one more thing to do in our already
0:48
Speaker 2: busy day. Now, that's coming from Leslie, who's forty six,
0:52
Speaker 2: and right off the jump, I'm gonna say, Leslie, I
0:54
Speaker 2: don't think maybe right now is a good time for
0:56
Speaker 2: you to date. It sounds like dating doesn't sound like
0:59
Speaker 2: fun to you, which I get it, Like there are
1:01
Speaker 2: times that it just you know, life is too complicated,
1:05
Speaker 2: or you are still recovering from a breakup or hurt
1:09
Speaker 2: and you're just not available. Because dating should be exciting,
1:13
Speaker 2: Dating should cause a little anxiety and a little bit
1:17
Speaker 2: of stress and a little excitement, a little bit.
1:18
Speaker 1: Of all these things.
1:21
Speaker 2: And so if dating feels like it is a chore,
1:24
Speaker 2: if it feels like it's complicated. I think it might
1:27
Speaker 2: be just your particular situation and you may need some
1:30
Speaker 2: time to heal and work through this. Because if you
1:34
Speaker 2: go into dating, if you go out on a date
1:36
Speaker 2: with somebody and it's not exciting and it's not fun
1:40
Speaker 2: and you think of it as a chore, it's not
1:44
Speaker 2: going to go well. And I think that you're setting
1:47
Speaker 2: yourself up for failure at the very least. And you know,
1:52
Speaker 2: if your days are busy and you have anxieties and
1:55
Speaker 2: you're not excited about it, just wait, just wait, just
1:58
Speaker 2: wait until you're ready.
2:00
Speaker 1: That's fine. You don't have to be ready today.
2:02
Speaker 2: Give yourself some time to get in a headspace where
2:06
Speaker 2: you're looking forward to that anxiety, where you're.
2:08
Speaker 1: Looking forward to the excitement.
2:10
Speaker 2: Who it is that you're going to meet, What adventures
2:12
Speaker 2: are you going to go on, not worried about if
2:14
Speaker 2: it's going to fail, Because you have to be optimistic,
2:18
Speaker 2: especially in chapter two. Optimistic is the ingredient that makes
2:23
Speaker 2: a relationship possible. If you're going into it already thinking
2:27
Speaker 2: it's going to fail or it's going to muddy up
2:29
Speaker 2: your busy day, it probably will all right, Well, Margaret,
2:34
Speaker 2: who's fifty three, says something that I think a lot
2:37
Speaker 2: of us think about that my body in my fifties
2:40
Speaker 2: doesn't look like it did when I was younger. I've
2:43
Speaker 2: had two kids, I've had tons of loose skin around
2:45
Speaker 2: my midsection and stretch marks when I was married, and
2:48
Speaker 2: I wasn't insecure about my body because my husband had
2:51
Speaker 2: seen me when I was fit, thin, pregnant, all of it.
2:55
Speaker 2: Now that I'm back in the dating scene, the anxiety
2:57
Speaker 2: that I have about my body and knowing men might
3:00
Speaker 2: age prefer to date younger is sending me into a spiral.
3:04
Speaker 2: Do men care about loose skin and stretch marks? Or
3:07
Speaker 2: should I find a way to tell the guys I
3:09
Speaker 2: date in advance to see how they react. Advice please, now, Margaret,
3:14
Speaker 2: this is an interesting way to put it, because I
3:16
Speaker 2: would often think that it's.
3:17
Speaker 1: The other way around.
3:19
Speaker 2: That your husband that knew you when you were young
3:23
Speaker 2: and as you say, fit and you know, without the
3:27
Speaker 2: things that happen to a body when having kids or
3:29
Speaker 2: whatever else, and they've seen you kind of progress. Oftentimes
3:32
Speaker 2: women are more anxious or worried about that man who's
3:36
Speaker 2: seen them, you know, when they were young, and that
3:38
Speaker 2: you know and see them until they've gotten more mature,
3:42
Speaker 2: versus meeting a guy that didn't know you when you
3:44
Speaker 2: were younger and didn't know you any other way than
3:47
Speaker 2: the way you are now. So I think if you
3:49
Speaker 2: meet a guy now at fifty three, with all of
3:53
Speaker 2: your perfections and imperfections and all the things that happen
3:56
Speaker 2: to our bodies and our faces and our everything, you
4:01
Speaker 2: don't need to tell the guys anything.
4:03
Speaker 1: They know what they see.
4:05
Speaker 2: You don't need to give them warnings, You don't need
4:07
Speaker 2: to give them a head's up or anything else. They
4:11
Speaker 2: can figure it out for themselves. And I think that
4:14
Speaker 2: you should be confident in the body that you have,
4:17
Speaker 2: and if you're you know, and if you exude that confidence,
4:20
Speaker 2: that guy is not gonna care. Don't get worried about
4:23
Speaker 2: what you think guys look for. If you think they're
4:25
Speaker 2: gonna date younger, if you think they're gonna not like
4:28
Speaker 2: your your stretch marks or your blue skin or whatever
4:31
Speaker 2: it else it is, then you're already starting behind the gates.
4:35
Speaker 1: So you don't want that.
4:36
Speaker 2: Be confident, Margaret, They're gonna love you for the person
4:39
Speaker 2: that you are, imperfections and all, all.
4:44
Speaker 1: Right, So, Britt, who's thirty five, says this.
4:48
Speaker 2: I saw TikTok recently where a man said the bar
4:51
Speaker 2: is quote unquote so low right now for men to
4:54
Speaker 2: do anything for women, that women are really just looking
4:57
Speaker 2: for simple.
4:57
Speaker 1: Things like kindness. To questions here, why is the bar
5:02
Speaker 1: so low? In your opinion? And two? Whose fault is
5:05
Speaker 1: that that it's so low? Is it the man or
5:07
Speaker 1: the woman's fault? Now?
5:10
Speaker 2: The question is do I think that the bar is very,
5:13
Speaker 2: very low? And I'll tell you, mister right right here
5:16
Speaker 2: thinks that the bar has been lowered. And I'm not
5:18
Speaker 2: sure if that's because I'm a bit older, a bit
5:21
Speaker 2: more mature, and I'm you know, I'm looking at the
5:25
Speaker 2: dating world and it does seem as though there is
5:30
Speaker 2: there is this kind of movement away from kindness and
5:33
Speaker 2: chivalry and acts of kindness, and maybe I just don't
5:38
Speaker 2: see it as often anymore. And you know, guys, I
5:42
Speaker 2: think I don't know if it's social media. I don't
5:44
Speaker 2: know if it's just you know, me being an old
5:47
Speaker 2: fuddy duddy and looking back, I just think chivalry, if
5:50
Speaker 2: it's not dead, it's certainly wounded in a lot of situations.
5:54
Speaker 2: And I think that there is you know, if it's
5:57
Speaker 2: the man's fault of the women's fault, I think men
5:59
Speaker 2: are are women are also wanting to be treated so
6:02
Speaker 2: much differently than than what I remember, you know, the
6:06
Speaker 2: old days of you know, holding the door open or
6:08
Speaker 2: you know, paying the bill every time, or all those
6:10
Speaker 2: sorts of things I think might be looked down as
6:12
Speaker 2: old fashion.
6:14
Speaker 1: And so I don't know who's at fault for it.
6:18
Speaker 1: I think that I do see it.
6:20
Speaker 2: I do think that the bar has been lowered in
6:22
Speaker 2: terms of the way that guys treat women kind of
6:27
Speaker 2: early on, and that probably changes, you know, over time,
6:30
Speaker 2: but in terms of kind of the dating world, I
6:33
Speaker 2: think it's I think it the bar has been lowered
6:36
Speaker 2: to a certain extent, and I don't know if it's
6:39
Speaker 2: just the guy's fault. I think it, you know, I
6:41
Speaker 2: think that that women are are also part of this,
6:44
Speaker 2: and because they are expecting to be treated quote unquote equally,
6:47
Speaker 2: which is great and I'm all for equal treatment or
6:49
Speaker 2: whatever else, but sometimes that will take away some of
6:52
Speaker 2: these chivalrous things that guys want to do to show kindness,
6:56
Speaker 2: to show affection because they're worried about stepping over the line,
6:59
Speaker 2: and you know, I want to bring in a producer,
7:02
Speaker 2: Heather on this one. And you know she's a self
7:05
Speaker 2: proclaimed feminist and single right now, but coming out of,
7:09
Speaker 2: you know, some long relationships.
7:12
Speaker 1: What is your take on.
7:13
Speaker 2: It, producer Heather. This is just my perspective in my
7:15
Speaker 2: chapter two. But what do you think?
7:17
Speaker 3: I mean, I'm not out there actively dating whatsoever looking
7:21
Speaker 3: but you see this. But I do see a lot
7:24
Speaker 3: of this stuff, and I think that the bar is
7:27
Speaker 3: really low. I think that it is twofold. I think
7:31
Speaker 3: that men. I think that men aren't talking enough to
7:35
Speaker 3: each other about standards and how they're treating women. And
7:38
Speaker 3: I don't think that men are holding other men accountable
7:42
Speaker 3: when they witness bad behavior or hear bad behavior. I
7:46
Speaker 3: don't think that they actually call out their buddies or
7:51
Speaker 3: their friends about this kind of stuff. And I think
7:55
Speaker 3: that women, unfortunately allow the bad behavior to go on
7:59
Speaker 3: for two long. I'm super guilty of this. I'm actually
8:03
Speaker 3: really guilty of allowing bad behavior to continue for too
8:09
Speaker 3: long and not address it and not put my foot
8:13
Speaker 3: down on stuff. So I think, yeah, I think it's twofold.
8:17
Speaker 3: I think it's I think it's both people's problems, and
8:22
Speaker 3: I do feel that we've gotten away from common decency
8:27
Speaker 3: and just you know, everybody is trying to play it
8:31
Speaker 3: like too cool or like there is you know, another
8:35
Speaker 3: you right around the corner. So I don't need to like,
8:39
Speaker 3: you know, do too much. I feel that like my
8:43
Speaker 3: perception obviously I'm not a man, but my perception of
8:46
Speaker 3: men is that sometimes doing too much and being too
8:51
Speaker 3: vulnerable is perceived as like being a simp or being
8:57
Speaker 3: a wimp or anything like that. And so I feel
9:00
Speaker 3: that there's like a hyper awareness around masculinity right now
9:04
Speaker 3: amongst men and about being as masculine as possible. And
9:08
Speaker 3: for some reason, I think men equate masculinity to sometimes
9:14
Speaker 3: putting women down or keeping women in a in a
9:17
Speaker 3: spot where they can be dominant, and I think that's
9:23
Speaker 3: that's also something that we're seeing play out in the
9:26
Speaker 3: dating scene right now.
9:27
Speaker 2: Okay, so you agree that it's both the men and
9:30
Speaker 2: the women take some responsibility for it. But I think
9:34
Speaker 2: that you know, this, this treating of women with respect
9:39
Speaker 2: and kindness and small acts of chivalry, I think that's
9:43
Speaker 2: oftentimes something that that older guys have an advantage on
9:47
Speaker 2: over younger guys. It's a level of confidence it's a
9:50
Speaker 2: level of experience also vulnerability as well, where guys you
9:55
Speaker 2: know in my age are probably more willing to be
9:58
Speaker 2: a little more vulnerable then you know, a younger version
10:02
Speaker 2: of myself.
10:03
Speaker 3: So you're saying that that vulnerability came through your chapter
10:08
Speaker 3: one or do you think you were acting like this
10:10
Speaker 3: early on and that's partly how you got to your
10:13
Speaker 3: chapter one? Was your vulnerability your openness?
10:16
Speaker 2: No, I think I think that I recognize that probably
10:20
Speaker 2: not being vulnerable enough and not being mindful enough got
10:25
Speaker 2: me to where I am right now, which is in
10:27
Speaker 2: my chapter two. And so I think that you know, experience, mistakes,
10:32
Speaker 2: all these things you know are are you know, kind
10:35
Speaker 2: of made me the person that I am, certainly from
10:37
Speaker 2: you know, day one till now. But relationship wise, I
10:41
Speaker 2: think guys that you know are in their chapter two
10:44
Speaker 2: are probably realizing what are some of the things that
10:46
Speaker 2: got me in the situation, and we go and fix those.
10:49
Speaker 3: You would hope that men out there are doing the
10:51
Speaker 3: work in their chapter two. It begs the question, though,
10:54
Speaker 3: if a man never gets to chapter one, is he
10:58
Speaker 3: still that observed of things that he needs to change?
11:02
Speaker 3: You know, these men, you know, we're seeing a lot
11:05
Speaker 3: of the time now that I think marriage rates and
11:08
Speaker 3: traditional kind of things like that are declining. So we're
11:12
Speaker 3: seeing men in their mid forties that have never been married,
11:15
Speaker 3: never been engaged, And so it begs the question of
11:20
Speaker 3: do they learn those kinds of things about vulnerability if
11:22
Speaker 3: they've never experienced what you're talking about that you experienced
11:26
Speaker 3: in chapter one. That's kind of been eye opening for you.
11:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think that those probably, you know, those
11:32
Speaker 2: guys probably are the anomaly inasmuch as they've you know,
11:36
Speaker 2: they don't they're not looking for relationship, they're not looking
11:39
Speaker 2: for family, all those sorts of things. But I think
11:42
Speaker 2: that guys in their chapter two hopefully have learned from
11:46
Speaker 2: I don't want to say learn from their mistakes, but
11:48
Speaker 2: learn from their experience. And you know what, you know
11:51
Speaker 2: what has what works, what hasn't worked, And then you know,
11:55
Speaker 2: as you're going into your you know, in your in
11:57
Speaker 2: your chapter two, you're trying to go and not repeat
12:00
Speaker 2: those same those same mistakes.
12:02
Speaker 4: Yeah.
12:04
Speaker 3: Interesting, but our listeners should write in if their experience
12:07
Speaker 3: is that the bar is super low right there.
12:10
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I want to I'm also curious in which
12:12
Speaker 2: and what what ways is the bar lower in like
12:15
Speaker 2: what capacity? Like what what are the things? What are
12:17
Speaker 2: the specific things that make the bar lower?
12:21
Speaker 1: What I see a.
12:22
Speaker 3: Lot on the internet is that the bar is low
12:25
Speaker 3: in terms of communication, that men are not moving the
12:30
Speaker 3: ball forward in terms of you know, if they're let's
12:34
Speaker 3: say they're online dating and they match with somebody, they're
12:37
Speaker 3: not doing that forward movement of now let's get a date,
12:42
Speaker 3: let's do it on this day, let's do it like
12:44
Speaker 3: I see tons and tons of tiktoks of women being like,
12:48
Speaker 3: it's six pm and we're supposed to have a date tomorrow.
12:51
Speaker 3: Let's see if he actually confirms, and then they'll do
12:55
Speaker 3: like an hour update the next day, and I see
12:59
Speaker 3: nine to ten times these guys don't confirm. So these
13:02
Speaker 3: girls don't actually end up going on a date with
13:04
Speaker 3: these men.
13:05
Speaker 1: They leave them hanging.
13:06
Speaker 3: They say we're going to go get drinks on Wednesday
13:09
Speaker 3: at seven, and then they never fully confirm, or they
13:12
Speaker 3: never lock it in, or they never tell them the
13:15
Speaker 3: location or something. I remember last time I was single,
13:19
Speaker 3: I had a guy say, you know, after our first
13:22
Speaker 3: date that he wanted to go out again the following week.
13:25
Speaker 3: I think the next day he locked in date and time,
13:30
Speaker 3: and then proceeded to not communicate with me for the
13:34
Speaker 3: next couple of days. And I remember, I'm like, Okay,
13:37
Speaker 3: so it's Friday. I'm supposed to go out with this
13:40
Speaker 3: guy on Saturday. Haven't really heard anything from him. And
13:43
Speaker 3: then he waited until Saturday, I want to say, like
13:48
Speaker 3: two hours before we were supposed to meet up, to
13:51
Speaker 3: tell me that he decided he couldn't go out with
13:56
Speaker 3: me anymore because he had decided he was moving to Boston.
14:01
Speaker 2: Oh he should he should have to pay like some
14:03
Speaker 2: sort of cancelation fee, like like like you know, like
14:06
Speaker 2: we go to the doctor and you don't show up,
14:08
Speaker 2: Like if you waste somebody Saturday night, that should be
14:10
Speaker 2: like a two hundred dollars penalty like that it should be.
14:13
Speaker 3: But again we're talking about the bar being low, and
14:16
Speaker 3: this was ten years ago. I mean, like, I just
14:19
Speaker 3: think that it's it's rough out there in terms of
14:23
Speaker 3: like I mean, I haven't gone through chapter one and
14:29
Speaker 3: I will not be getting back out onto the wild
14:31
Speaker 3: West of dating apps. It was way too much for
14:36
Speaker 3: me and my mental health to uh to go through
14:39
Speaker 3: that again. But I think that I've experienced it, so
14:43
Speaker 3: I understand what these women are saying and men when
14:46
Speaker 3: they talk about, you know, the communication going stagnant on
14:49
Speaker 3: the apps. You want to take it off the apps.
14:50
Speaker 3: You want to communicate. They don't text, they don't call,
14:53
Speaker 3: they don't you know, set something. It can be very
14:57
Speaker 3: robotic feeling. And again it goes back to that previous
15:00
Speaker 3: question that talked about it being you know, another job,
15:03
Speaker 3: that's what you know. Modern day dating can kind of
15:05
Speaker 3: feel like. And I remember the last time I was
15:08
Speaker 3: single that that's how I had to approach it. It
15:10
Speaker 3: was like every Thursday was my date night. And then
15:15
Speaker 3: if I booked a date on Thursday, it was like
15:17
Speaker 3: I went to a place and got my hair blown out.
15:21
Speaker 4: I had, like.
15:23
Speaker 3: I remember, and then I like picked up like three
15:26
Speaker 3: other hobbies so that I had things to talk about
15:29
Speaker 3: on set dates. Then I would go out every Friday
15:32
Speaker 3: night and every Saturday night, mingling, meeting people, hoping that
15:36
Speaker 3: I would pick up another date for next Thursday.
15:39
Speaker 4: And I mean I.
15:40
Speaker 3: Was just out there really pounding the pavement. And I
15:44
Speaker 3: mean I did it all. I did blind dates, I
15:47
Speaker 3: did setups, I did online dates, I did asking men
15:51
Speaker 3: out in person. I did.
15:54
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, I've asked I've asked men out.
15:56
Speaker 3: I've i have sent drinks over to men as like
16:00
Speaker 3: a way of flirting. You know, Ladies, I think that
16:03
Speaker 3: if you want to give it a try, I think
16:05
Speaker 3: it's actually super low pressure.
16:07
Speaker 4: I don't know why.
16:07
Speaker 3: I've heard women say that it's like super scary or whatever.
16:10
Speaker 3: It's like I've been I remember I've been at like karaoke,
16:15
Speaker 3: pulled over a waitress and been like that guy over
16:18
Speaker 3: there on the other side of the room is really cute?
16:21
Speaker 4: Is there a ring on the finger?
16:23
Speaker 3: And they'll be like no, And I'll be like, great, whatever,
16:26
Speaker 3: he's drinking right now, get him another one, put it
16:29
Speaker 3: on my tab, and when he when you deliver it,
16:32
Speaker 3: you can just point to me. That's super low pressure, ladies,
16:36
Speaker 3: because guess what, it's then up to him if he
16:38
Speaker 3: wants to come over and thank you for the drink,
16:42
Speaker 3: do that whole thing. You are not then having to
16:45
Speaker 3: go over and be like did you get the drink?
16:47
Speaker 2: Yes, you have, you have. You have tossed the proverbial
16:50
Speaker 2: ball across exactly. They could the guy could just you know,
16:54
Speaker 2: sort of raise an arm or a cheers across if
16:57
Speaker 2: he's not interested, which.
16:58
Speaker 3: I have had I've had some guy just like raise
17:01
Speaker 3: his hand and say thanks so much. I've had a
17:03
Speaker 3: guy come over to the table and say thank you
17:06
Speaker 3: so much.
17:06
Speaker 4: I was really flattering. I'm in a relationship or whatever. Nice, fine,
17:11
Speaker 4: have a drink.
17:12
Speaker 2: Or you could end up singing Islands in the Stream
17:14
Speaker 2: together in the karaoke or that.
17:17
Speaker 4: I mean, it's a backfire.
17:18
Speaker 3: I ended up sending one to a guy once and
17:20
Speaker 3: then he came over. He thanked me, and then was like,
17:24
Speaker 3: we should go out this week so I can get
17:26
Speaker 3: you a drink.
17:26
Speaker 4: Da da da dah whatever whatever. So I ended up
17:29
Speaker 4: going out with him, and then.
17:32
Speaker 3: It only took one drink for me to find out
17:34
Speaker 3: that the guy hadn't had a job in eight years
17:37
Speaker 3: and was CouchSurfing. And I was like, well, no, wonder
17:40
Speaker 3: he really enjoyed that free drink I sent over.
17:42
Speaker 4: The guy doesn't have a.
17:43
Speaker 2: Job, He's like, let me get some let's good chicken
17:45
Speaker 2: wings with that next time.
17:46
Speaker 4: Man, you can't always tell.
17:49
Speaker 3: It's not like a fool proof kind of situation, but
17:52
Speaker 3: it's like, yeah, if the guy's attractive, he's gonna enjoy
17:56
Speaker 3: having a drink sent over. I think it's like a
17:59
Speaker 3: compliment regard. And I think that, you know, going back
18:02
Speaker 3: to the bar being low, I think that people aren't
18:06
Speaker 3: complimenting each other enough, you know what I mean. It's like,
18:10
Speaker 3: if somebody's attractive, handsome, whatever, if there's no ring and
18:15
Speaker 3: there's no girl on the arm, feel free to give
18:18
Speaker 3: a compliment. You don't have to be creepy about it.
18:20
Speaker 3: Men too, you don't have to be creepy when you
18:22
Speaker 3: give a compliment. But like, that's a great those are
18:26
Speaker 3: great shoes that you're wearing, you know what. I really
18:28
Speaker 3: like that hat that you're wearing. It doesn't have to
18:30
Speaker 3: be like you have a nice ass, you know what.
18:32
Speaker 1: I mean, Even if they do, you don't have to
18:34
Speaker 1: say it.
18:35
Speaker 4: Eat the rule exactly.
18:37
Speaker 3: I just think that we as a society have really
18:39
Speaker 3: pulled back on being complimentary. And I think I'm not
18:43
Speaker 3: going to get too far into it with like political
18:47
Speaker 3: movements and things like that that have happened in recent
18:50
Speaker 3: years where men act like they're not allowed to say
18:53
Speaker 3: complimentary things. That's that's actually not what any of these
18:56
Speaker 3: big movements have been about. It's about if you're my boss, yeah,
19:00
Speaker 3: you shouldn't be saying a compliment or something weird about me.
19:03
Speaker 3: But when we're out in the world and we're engaging
19:06
Speaker 3: in conversation and you're not intoxicated, and I'm not like
19:10
Speaker 3: if I had children, if I'm like not with my children,
19:12
Speaker 3: and we're just like in an adult environment, and you know,
19:15
Speaker 3: it's respectful. Yes, people, we can give compliments to each other.
19:19
Speaker 3: That's not like something of yesteryear that we're not allowed
19:23
Speaker 3: to do anymore.
19:23
Speaker 4: I feel like, do you feel that way that people
19:25
Speaker 4: have like stopped?
19:27
Speaker 2: I think I think that the moral of the story
19:28
Speaker 2: is men and women. Let's raise the bar back up.
19:31
Speaker 2: I think so too, Let's be flirty.
19:43
Speaker 1: Our last question coming in here is from Susan, who's
19:46
Speaker 1: fifty seven. This is what she says.
19:48
Speaker 2: I like the opinions you gave in your last episode
19:51
Speaker 2: about finances and relationships. I'm in my second marriage and
19:55
Speaker 2: my husband has three kids from his first marriage, with
19:58
Speaker 2: the youngest about to graduate from colleg This is our
20:01
Speaker 2: time to focus and shift into our retirement years. But
20:05
Speaker 2: my husband is talking about financing their youngest child for
20:09
Speaker 2: quote unquote a couple more years. I think it is
20:12
Speaker 2: time for them to fly on their own now that
20:14
Speaker 2: college is over and it bothers me. How can I
20:17
Speaker 2: explain this to my husband so he understands my point
20:20
Speaker 2: of view? All right, Susan, this is always going to
20:24
Speaker 2: be the trickiest of conversations, which is how to deal
20:29
Speaker 2: with children from a you know, the previous marriage, especially
20:32
Speaker 2: when you've blended a family, or even if you're just
20:35
Speaker 2: coming with no kids. It is a very touchy subject.
20:39
Speaker 2: And I'll give you all the warnings. The raising of
20:47
Speaker 2: a child or children is a delicate thing. And to
20:51
Speaker 2: go and and to critique, you know, any part of that,
20:55
Speaker 2: I think is going to be something that you're going
20:57
Speaker 2: to want to deal with set with sensitivity. Now you
21:00
Speaker 2: a perspective here, because it's you know, it sounds like
21:03
Speaker 2: you guys have been married for a while. You guys
21:05
Speaker 2: are looking into your next not your next chapter in
21:09
Speaker 2: terms of marriage, but next chapter in terms of life.
21:11
Speaker 2: You're getting into retirement and there is some fiduciary responsibility
21:15
Speaker 2: that you both need to have when doing that. And
21:18
Speaker 2: if you thought that the you know that you were
21:20
Speaker 2: you were saving this much and this is going to
21:23
Speaker 2: be your plan. And now that changes dramatically, of course, Susan,
21:26
Speaker 2: you are going to have a perspective on that, and
21:27
Speaker 2: you're going to have an opinion, and you're going have
21:29
Speaker 2: a right to have that, but be careful to make
21:33
Speaker 2: sure that you're not overstepping in terms of making the
21:37
Speaker 2: guy feel like he has to prioritize child or wife.
21:44
Speaker 2: It's a very delicate, delicate relationship, and I would just
21:49
Speaker 2: I wouldn't want there to be something that explodes because
21:54
Speaker 2: of it. I think you should certainly voice your opinion
21:57
Speaker 2: and your perspective on it, but do it gently. Do
22:00
Speaker 2: it knowing that this is your husband's youngest child, this
22:04
Speaker 2: is the last you know, the last child he's raising here,
22:08
Speaker 2: and and maybe come up with a compromise that allows
22:12
Speaker 2: you guys both to achieve your goals, his of being
22:16
Speaker 2: a good father to his youngest and you to make
22:19
Speaker 2: sure that the you know that your retirement, that the
22:21
Speaker 2: goals that you've been setting financially are being met and
22:25
Speaker 2: you're not at risk of losing something because of overspending
22:30
Speaker 2: on a category that you hadn't planned on. And that's
22:33
Speaker 2: I think a big part of it is that planning
22:35
Speaker 2: and why you should talk about finance is because if
22:38
Speaker 2: something comes along that you haven't talked about, then who
22:42
Speaker 2: is right or who's wrong. Get all that stuff on
22:45
Speaker 2: the table, talk about your finances, talk about your future together.
22:49
Speaker 2: It is the easiest way to try and side step,
22:51
Speaker 2: which could be a delicate familial situation. All right, guys,
22:56
Speaker 2: thank you so much and keep your questions coming. I'm
22:59
Speaker 2: here to give you the real things men think about.
23:01
Speaker 2: So send us an email or leave a voicemail if
23:04
Speaker 2: you want to get in contact with us. All our
23:06
Speaker 2: information is in the shown notes. Check us out on
23:09
Speaker 2: social media and follow us. I Do Part two an
23:13
Speaker 2: iHeartRadio podcast where falling in love is the main objective.