Latest / Surviving-ISH Podcast / Holly Korhorn: Close The Blinds

Transcript

Holly Korhorn: Close The Blinds · Surviving-ISH Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Surviving Podcast.
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: The guest we have on today, rhysh Altsby, was like hey, I listened to your show, I'm starting a podcast and we immediately became besties.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: She's active on TikTok, she's now released her podcast and I'm just obsessed, hi Holly.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: Hi Love, how are you?
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I'm so great Like we've spent time talking off record, Like I was working through some of our emails earlier and just from day one we were talking as if we were just old souls.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: Like this.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: I know I was like okay great.
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: I know and you're, so I just love everything about you.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: I love your aura.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: When I heard about your podcast and what you're wanting to do, I was like, oh my gosh, I support this.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: I'm with you, and I know that by the time the show is released, you'll be several weeks into release, but as of now, in January of 2024, you just released what Episode?
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: so we just dropped episode two.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, we're like brand new.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: I cannot wait for my listeners to check it out and show love and support and download all the things, like all of her social medias, and just send out that love and support.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: Her topics are a lot like ours and so, holly, why don't you take a minute and tell us about your show and platforms?
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I would love to.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: So I am an autistic mama, so my little bear has autism.
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: I am also a PTSD and trauma survivor, so I have depression, anxiety, ptsd, and a lot of that is related in my content, so most of it is meant to be funny.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: We try to laugh at our trauma and we try to get through it in a healthy, funny way to help other people.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: The podcast is on Spotify.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: It's called Close the Blind and it will feature someone new every week in their story, so if you want to be on, feel free to let me know.
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: I would love to have some of your listeners on too, and I am so grateful for your opportunity.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: I'm so happy to be here.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely Like I.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: Of course, my heart melted as soon as I found that you're ready to speak out.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, there's power in numbers, girl, and the more of us that do it, things are going to happen.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe you had said your first episode is the condensed version of your stories.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: Is your platform going to be a little bit like mine, where I just share my story along the way to relate, or how do you get your story told, or what is your plan for your story?
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: So the first episode is you're totally correct, it's a brief synopsis of kind of what happened, so you can understand why I started the podcast.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: And then each month, the first Monday of each month, I will have a special guest come on.
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: So it'll be someone that I know and our stories will intersect.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: So it'll be a fun little banter.
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: We'll get to talk, we'll get to chat and just have more of my story come out along the way like yours, but in a controlled manner.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: One thing that I always tell my guests before I hit record is I want it to be like two friends on the couch having a glass of wine or a cup of coffee or hot tea or whatever your advice says, and just conversing.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: I don't want it to be I've got a list of questions.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: I want us to just freaking talk and let it be therapeutic, like I get so yes boo, I've learned, and if you haven't learned this yet, I feel like you will, because I think we're so much just alike.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: But I have learned I had to be very careful at what time I recorded, because I used to record up until later in the evening.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: But I get such a high from recording that I would have this burst of energy when the show was over, because it's so therapeutic for me.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: Yes, I'm like let me rearrange my room real quick.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but it's two o'clock.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: I need to get a bed.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: I know, I know.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: No, yeah, we started doing ours earlier in the day because I was the exact same way.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: But I love that.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: It's so fun.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: And honestly, I'm gonna tell you, I literally the second episode, had to throw my notes out halfway through and just start writing instead, because I learned that I can't come in with a set of almost any questions.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean?
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: I have to just go off of your story and my questions will come and it will flow Just how it's gonna flow.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you mentioned being a mother of an autistic child, correct?
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: So my in-laws have adopted five children with Down syndrome from Ukraine.
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: God bless them.
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, because in Ukraine.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: If you're born with any type of disability, you are put into a home and you're lucky to live to be five years old.
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: Their orphanages are horrible.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: They were told that they will not walk.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: They and none of them do talk, but they all know sign language.
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: Yes, they do walk, and so I really relate to that and it takes.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: They are amazing.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: I love those boys so much.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: My partner and I have even played a role with the idea of we're going to adopt a baby from over there, and it had really opened my eyes.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: And so the point of me saying all that is, all they want is love and affection and all they do is smile and laugh.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: And I know that Down syndrome and autism they're all different, but a lot of people with Down syndrome are also diagnosed with the autistic.
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: Autism side of things, and I'm not sure that they're the one with the quote unquote disability.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: I think that we are Amen.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: I think that we are.
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: It's so crazy we're doing this right now.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: My sister calls me earlier today my oldest sister and she's they think that my daughter might have autism and she was like and so I literally just walked out of the actors and I needed to call you and I was like you came to the right place.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: I was like it's not a disability, honestly, it is a amplifier.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: You need to just remember for her that it is not her, it's no one's fault, it's just the way she was made and she was perfectly designed to be herself.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: And if people can't love her, that's their loss, not hers, and she's always gonna have a place at home with all of us.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: She never is gonna be alone.
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: So then when we were on the phone, I told my son, with autism, he has a select form, so it's called Einstein syndrome and it's when you're very highly intelligent, socially, very awkward, and then you have a lot of meltdowns.
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: It is literally Professor Einstein.
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: That's exactly how he was he.
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: I told him.
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: I said they think Kinsley might have autism as well, and he goes really, and I said, yeah, baby, but she's so much like you, she's just so smart.
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: And he was like she could have the Einstein syndrome.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: And let me just tell you the excitement on his face.
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: He was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, my cousin and me were the same and I'm like, yeah, dude, like not at all concerned about it.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: It was just like good for her.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: I would love for you to take some time and share to us the why you have this passion, and obviously it's because of the forms of trauma that you've went through.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: So can we have a little bit of back history on you and trauma and recovery?
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: Trauma started.
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: For me it was very odd, honestly.
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: I had a very normal childhood up until 11 or 12.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: Around that time we had a lot of circumstantial things happened to us that were not in my parents' control.
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: I would say we had my grandfather pass, my great grandmother pass, all within a few weeks of each other.
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: Just a lot had happened.
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: My dad at this time had started struggling with alcoholism.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: From the time I can remember, and I guess way before that as well, his father was always an alcoholic, so it wasn't too far, for that's what his vice was gonna be when anything bad happened.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: And around that age is when physical abuse really started between him and my mother, which honestly I think she tried to shelter for maybe a month.
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: It would always happen away from me, but I could hear it.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: I'm the oldest of four, but at this time there were only three and so it was a lot of.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: She wouldn't run off.
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: I talked about this a little bit in the first episode of the podcast, but one of my very first big traumatic memories that happened is she locked my siblings, who at the time were five and one, in her bedroom and then she locked herself in the bathroom.
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: She left me in the hallway and my dad was coming after her and he just came after me and she's just screaming for me to call the police.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: I'm defending myself against a 250-pound man loved Give me a second.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: But I remember that being a very defining moment where I felt like I'm not safe with either one of you.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: Not only am I not safe around him, but even when you're here I'm not safe.
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: So that was very defining, and she was very nonchalant about it.
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: The police were called.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: My dad did go to jail that night.
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: It was, of course, a little bit of a pled down to a disturbing the peace or whatever, because my mom would never testify.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: But he went to jail and they told her that the kids needed to leave the house.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: The little ones were fine to go with my grandparents, but for some reason I don't know why I wasn't.
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: She sent me to my cousin's house.
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: I just remember my cousin's dad was in law enforcement and in the fire department, and so he got the call.
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: He knew exactly what happened and it was like going from one shitty situation to the next of.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: I just got grilled by the police.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: At 12 years old.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: I just saw my dad get arrested.
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: I just had to field off his abuse.
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: I honestly feel a little bit like it's my fault somehow.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: And now I have to do it all over again with more family.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: And on top of that they wanted me to go to sleep and then I went to school the next day and so it was just like, very like I never.
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: I compartmentalized it very much.
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: My dad was there when I got off the bus and it was just like it had never happened.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: And from then on those instances kept happening, probably until I was about 15.
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: They really tried to work on their marriage and there was a lot of addiction that went on and a lot of neglect, a lot of being left home alone.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: My dad started dabbling in cocaine.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: Some days my mom would do it with him, some days she wouldn't, which would cause a fight.
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: We lost our house during this time.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: It was foreclosed on.
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: So I remember them telling us the weekend of us moving, like, hey, we're going to move and it'll be a fresh start for dad and I was like this is bullshit, but okay, let's play your game.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: And it obviously you know wasn't.
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: And so my mom started seeing other men when I was about 15.
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: And she would leave me home for really long periods of time with the kids, get them on the bus, get yourself on the bus, get everybody to school.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: And my grades I was an all A student, ridiculously smart, probably could have went to any college.
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: My grades like instantly de-s.
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: I was not there, I was asleep all the time.
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: I wasn't okay, obviously, and so I remember probably around 16, because I could drive at this point.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: So I drove off in a frenzy.
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: She I couldn't find her for three days and my dad always worked out of town.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: It was between 48 to 72 hours.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: I couldn't get a hold of her either.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: We had cell phones.
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: At this point I'm calling and so I call everybody, call grandma, call her sisters, call her friend, and she picks up her friend's phone, acts like nothing's wrong and is I'll be home in a minute, stop calling.
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: She gets there, I lose my mind and she gets there with the new boyfriend and I just remember my little brother looking out like the screen door and he goes that's cold, sissy, that's cold.
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: And it clicked to me that she's been taking my little brother behind my dad's back to go see these men with her and spending the night there.
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: And I'm like, okay, this is far beyond me.
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: At this exact same time, my dad's trying everything to kill himself.
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: So when he finds out that this has happened, I'm at home with my mom and she throws the phone at me and your dad's on a seven story balcony and he's going to jump and I told him to fucking jump.
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: So I need you to talk him down.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: And that would be like the first out of nine times I've talked to my dad out of doing this.
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: This is an ongoing issue that we still have today with him, where he's very suicidal or attention seeking and he needs that from somebody to tell him not to do it or whatever.
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: So at this time my mom moved out.
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: I stayed at my dad's because he was always at a time working course.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: I'm going to stay there.
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: I started doing drugs like MDMA and ecstasy.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: I once missed a parade float that I was supposed to be in because I did too much ecstasy the night before and I was in high school, so there was like a lot that happened that I don't remember whatsoever.
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: I just wasn't there for all of it and around like 17 or 18, I did way too much acid and my dad came home and woke me up and was like you've been asleep for 24 hours, are you doing meth?
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: And I was.
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: I did too much acid, leave me alone.
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: And so he rolled a joint and made me wake up and smoke it with him and told me that he was going to tell me all about the demons that our family faces, and it honestly was very therapeutic.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: It was the weirdest, craziest.
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: I probably would never do that with my own sons, but thank you for doing it with me because that's the only way he knew how to get through.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: I think at that point he just sat me down and was like I am an alcoholic and I can't change until I'm ready to change.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: And it has nothing to do with you and your mom is a meth addict.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: This is what's going on in our life and I need you to be privy to this information and I need you not to do these things and I need you to understand where it came from.
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: And so for me, that was very eye-opening and was like, okay, I can't be like you, that's not, I shouldn't idolize you.
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: I think is what I took from it.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: So he went.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: My dad went in and out of jail always has assaulting people or getting into bar fights or whatever the case may be.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: I've been in jail for more than a few weeks at a time, but whatever he would, obviously my mom would be like you have to come over here, whatever.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: I'm 17.
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: She tells me she's pregnant with my littlest brother.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: So he's my half brother and he still lives in the home.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: So I think this is probably the driving force for me to make the podcast.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: It was also the driving force for me not to make the podcast for about five years, because I wanted him to be able to have a voice in it and say yes, sis, I think it's okay that you do this and I don't have an issue with it.
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: I could give two shirts less if mom and dad have an issue, but if you do, if you think it brings shame to you, I never want you to feel that way.
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: So we had that conversation two weeks ago before I started the podcast, and he literally was.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: It was so heartbreaking because he was like can I help you name it?
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: And I'm like yeah, sure, and he's like all right, sis, what about wife beaters?
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: Can we just talk about dad, our dads?
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: Because they both beat our mom like wife beaters like the t-shirt, and then we can just call it wife beaters and he starts laughing.
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: So I'm laughing.
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to cry and make him feel bad, like he said something wrong, but it was.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: I'm totally doing the right thing here.
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: I am if I can bring any awareness to my family, who hasn't seen it for years because we would just close the blinds and walk away.
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: If I can bring any awareness to someone else who was 13 or 14 or my age at that time and it's wow.
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: I didn't even know that I was being abused because, hello, I didn't know.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: I didn't know other than I knew that it was shameful and maybe not to tell you don't know the resources out there, especially at that age and when everyone's telling you.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: My biggest fear for many years was if you tell anybody.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: When I was in school, if you tell anybody, they will take you and your siblings away and you'll never see them again.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: And as the oldest, as the mama bear, as the one that mainly raised both of them, I was like, no, I will take any form of abuse before I let someone take them from me.
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean.
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: So that was probably the driving force, and now that he's old enough to decide and I've never been in the house for him, or him and my son are three years apart, almost to the day, so they're very close.
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: My husband's been in my life for 10 years, so he was one when my husband came into my life, so he doesn't know anything different than us being in the military, us moving in, but we're always there.
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: We just got him a phone so he has a way to communicate.
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: He's heard the podcast.
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: He wasn't upset about it.
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: I told him I wouldn't use your name, but I'm going to use mine and I'm going to talk from my experience.
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: But I think that's the main driving force he's.
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: They're homeless.
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: My mom's been homeless for four years.
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: She's sleeping on my sister's couch with him and they've been homeless for two months and somehow he's still getting to public school and nobody's doing anything or saying anything.
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: It's just, it's a lot and we've called.
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: My mom knows that I've been the one to call CPS before and we've all called.
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: We've all taken all the proper steps that you can.
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: The woman has a warrant out for her arrest right now, as we film this podcast, for driving on a suspended yesterday when I was FaceTiming my brother.
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: He's in the car, mahu's driving my mother on the suspended Like how, why are we letting this happen to this child?
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: And it's happened to three of us.
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean and as the oldest with kids, now I'm like, no, I put my foot down, I am not doing this.
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: And at the same time, if we call it a Jones leap year, because that's my maiden name, once every four years, both of them become homeless, my mom and my dad at the same time, and start doing drugs or go to jail, do some crazy things, but somehow the kids are never taken away.
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: No one's ever other than CPS, maybe showing up at the school two or three times for myself and my sister, and those were against my dad, which I think my dad did a better job than my mama for, being honest, like he, at least we had a home is how I feel.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: But even then, if I go all the way back and I think back to 12 or 13, yeah, we might have had a home, but he was nowhere to be found and we didn't have heat for an entire winter in Michigan.
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: So it's yabu like literally sleeping with mittens in a hat on, and I remember one time crying, and he was so drunk that he was laughing.
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: He thought it was hysterical and I was like bawling I'm so cold, dad.
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: And so he went and got bought a space heater that night.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: It's a very vivid memory for me and I'm like I couldn't, never, I could not imagine not providing the necessities, let alone.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: I am that mom.
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: Now.
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: That's oh, you want time?
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: Oh, sure, we can buy it.
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: That's why I'm broke, because I didn't.
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: I wasn't like, when you don't have it for yourself and you can see it through the eyes of your kids, deal, yeah, you can have it.
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: It's healing my inner child and you're having a great time.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: I'm here for it.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: One thing that is so important to both of us is that we do learn how to laugh and smile as part of regaining control.
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: This is my story, and if I want to cry, well, but I'm tired of crying, dan, it's like I'm going to laugh.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: Okay, you're right.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: So is your brother, the one that you're just speaking of.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: Is he the last one to be an adult, Like he's the only minor?
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: He is the only minor left out of all sides of the sibling, so his dad actually my stepfather, my mom married his dad when he was four.
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: They had been together on and off the whole time.
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: She marries him and now he is 11.
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: So they've been married six, seven years at this point and no signs of divorcing.
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: But he is in prison on a two to 10 year sentence.
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: He just went in front of parole for two and a half years for dragging her down the street and sticking a cigarette butt out in her eye in front of my nine year old little brother.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: So have you and your husband, or any of your siblings, tried to adopt him?
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: Yes, so me and my husband did.
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: The worst panic attack I think I've ever had was leaving the courtroom ever.
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: My entire life was leaving that courtroom and realizing that this is such an uphill battle and I need so much more behind me, for the state of Michigan at least.
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: She cannot, they cannot and I cannot force her to take a drug test At that point.
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: She had a home, she had heat, she had running water and that's literally all CPS checks.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: She had all of those things.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: He wasn't actively saying I don't wanna be with my mom.
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: Obviously that's his mom.
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: Of course he wants to be with her.
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: He's five, six years old at this point.
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: But yes, the first time his father went to prison and got out and I realized this cycle was never gonna stop and she's gonna go back to him with my little brother, we stepped in and we're like, okay, let's go to court.
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: And so we went to court against both of them and lost the judgment and that was probably the worst feeling in the world.
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of people would have been mad at me and my family, but I think I could have saved him from so much To hear him pull the name wife-feeters out of thin air and laugh literally like you and I are doing in our 30s and whatever.
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: Like I cannot imagine at 11.
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: That's when my abuse started.
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: So I can't imagine going up to 11 and being like, oh, I have the mind of a 30 year old now.
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean.
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: It's so heartbreaking.
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: We are finally done with the military in June, and so I did ask him if CIS moves up North and you still don't have a place to live, will you come live with me?
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: Because at this point we both talked about all of our siblings as well as him have talked about emancipation.
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: So if you don't know, emancipation is when you can leave your parents around between the ages of 10 and 15, and they can't.
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: It's a legal court document that says I am responsible solely for myself as an adult, or whatever.
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: I am 100% willing for him to have that done, and all of our siblings are as well.
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: We will all stand behind him in that, and then you can just live with CIS, and if you feel independent enough to make your own decisions, that's great.
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: I would never not let him talk to either one of his parents.
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: When he speaks well about his father, I let him and I speak well about him too, because I do have good memories of his dad.
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: Right, they're not always bad people.
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: So if you can have a heart to wrap your head around that it's his father, then it's fine.
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: And he doesn't want to see him physically, but would he like to have a phone call?
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: Yes, that's okay, you can do that.
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: If mom wants to come and join in every holiday which while we lived up there, I mean she was doing the dope and acting crazy, she still came to every family holiday because it was important to him that she was there.
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: So I'm always gonna be an advocate for what he needs, especially now.
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: So I just think it's good and it's great he has my sister too.
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: Right, he had to leave my dad's and of course they call mingle.
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: So my dad mom are living together.
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: My dad goes to jail, goes to my sister's One bedroom apartment by the way, let's all sleep on the couch and that's where she's at and doesn't hasn't had a job in 10 years, won't get a job.
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: So she moves over there and so he's got a great support system.
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: Like my brother had moved out of my dad's house because he's really fresh adult, like 19 at this point.
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: So he just moved out and but before he did, he calls me and he's we have to put him on our phone plan.
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: Of course my 19 year old brother's on my phone plan too, but it was like yes, of course.
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: So I'm like I call, I get a phone dropped off at their address, make sure.
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: So we gave it to him like as an early Christmas gift, but we didn't want him to be alone with the adults, and it took until he was 11 for any of us to feel comfortable enough to leave him with my mother.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: And that's only because I have your location.
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: I have a constant way of communication and on top of that, even if I am not right there physically, I have a way for brother or sister to get there to you physically within five minutes.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: So there can be some kind of plan set into action.
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: Right, exactly, exactly Like.
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: You don't need to be fearful.
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: No one wanted to leave him there to be scared is how everybody felt.
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: And it sucks having to go through the court system and them denying you, especially when you have normal children and a normal household Like you.
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: You're like I'm doing everything right here, people.
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: I knew when you had mentioned the name suggestion that your little brother had for your show.
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: I knew there was a reason for you telling us that.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: I knew there was a deeper reason for it.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: To me it just shows that whole like generational abuse and how things become normal to people for a child to think wife beaters because dad beats mom and that's what these shirts are called, which I go enough as what they were called, and now that's not even the appropriate word for it.
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: It's for a child to know that I knew when you mentioned that, I was like okay, there's gonna be more to this story.
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, and it was really just.
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: I felt so bad to get off the phone with him that night and like I pretty much put him to bed Like he's alone.
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: He's got school the next day and I'm like, did you shower already?
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: Again, I'm like, okay, go take me in to brush your teeth.
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: We brush his teeth.
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: I'm like, do you wanna play a game with Ken?
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: And he's like my husband, he's no one tired.
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: You know whatever.
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna lay here.
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: And he's okay, sis, I'm about to do.
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: You see my eyes.
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: And I'm like, yes, okay, call me tomorrow, you know whatever.
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: But as soon as I was off the phone, it was so heavy, my husband's sitting next to me and I just looked at him and I'm like that is so sad and he's it is, but that's your reality.
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: And I guess it was like a smack to the face that I was like you're right, he goes.
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: Honestly, baby, it should be called a series of unfortunate events.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: That's what your entire life has been.
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: One thing that I've learned about you just in the few weeks that have followed me is you are brutally honest when things happen to children, especially when they get into that, like those like middle school, high school years and things are happening where you find that this person over here has a mom and dad that doesn't do drugs and they always have their water turned on and they have clean clothes every week.
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: Either you become this compulsive liar that creates this whole perfect image for the world to see, or your which is what my mom did very much, so close the blinds, like literally.
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: She was like no, no one needs to know about this Like a secular, perfect family.
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: We looked like it for a good for till I was 16, we even went to pictures and had them done with JC Penney and we made it look like it was the biggest, best family you could be a part of.
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: And I was like yes, and I was like this is the fakest thing I've ever done, which everybody was always at everything and we all had to be happy.
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: So did that teach you in your childhood years, dealing with puberty and boys and home stuff and trying to make friends?
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: Did that influence you at that time?
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: Cause, obviously you're not that way now.
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: That has a compliment.
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: Tell you the truth to the fall.
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: But did you find yourself in those years creating stories too?
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: Did you also learn how to paint that white picket fence?
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: A little bit.
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: But I think that the biggest problem my mom has always had with me and continues to have to this day, is that I never truly got it.
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: I'm on the autism spectrum, they would say.
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: I didn't get my own spectrum diagnosis until about a year ago and that is because of the things that I was taught.
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: I walked on my tiptoes till I was eight and that's an autistic trait.
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: But they did every night.
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: They did foot exercises with me, so I wouldn't do that Every single night from one to eight and it hurt.
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: I have calves you wouldn't believe they're so strong.
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: Because of that I did things like tapping or biting my fingernails really bad.
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: Or socially I really didn't give a shit.
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: Even then I was all.
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: I literally was like I don't care to fit in with your girl group, I really don't.
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: It's fine if you don't like me, have fun, whatever.
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: But because even whatever was so bad in their lives or whatever they were taking out on me, I was like you have no idea.
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: I go home and I come to school and it's like my solace or whatever.
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: But I will say that during all of this, from age 12 or 13, we did our first musical together bad bitches and our first musical Me and my best friend he and I became thickest thieves that day, like we auditioned and it was an instant like you and I chemistry right, like I was like you're my boo and ever since then he's lived in our house while we've had both the boys, like when my husband was deployed he was there all the time.
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: He is my ride or die and he was all throughout high school.
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: I could, even if I was so screwed up or like I did too many drugs the day before I called him, I would never call anybody else and I would go to his house, like I would leave school and I would go.
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: I would skip school and go to his parents' house and I just walk in and be like, hey, tim, stop and just go, go through the house.
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: I owned it and I still do it to this day with my kids.
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: Now I'm like, hey guys, here's my kids and I'll walk to the backyard.
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: Bye.
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: So I will say that was very helpful Having someone that was very like, understood me, understood what was going on.
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: He got to see a lot of the physical abuse from my dad and so he became like after I had kids.
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: There was one instance in which my dad pulled up and was like you're gonna get the fuck out of my way and I'm gonna talk to my daughter and he was gonna hit me for sure.
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: My dad dwarfs my best friend.
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: But my best friend stood right in between us and was like you're not gonna touch her ever again if I'm here, get the fuck out of my face.
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: And I was like brother, I knew I needed you from day one and he was just so good.
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: You had to grow up so fast, like one of the things that you had mentioned the first time that we talked and that you even just naturally say without even knowing you're saying it, I think, at this point is that you were the parent, you were the oldest, you were the only stability that the siblings under you had.
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: That wasn't chaotic, other than when you had your moments.
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: But I feel like I could be wrong, but I feel like even when you had your moments, it was because everything else was taken care of and you needed a place to escape which unfortunately was unhealthy, but luckily you gained control of that.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: So I feel like there's such an old soul with you and because of you needing to be stable, where your siblings caused you to grow up early, sooner and quicker, which is probably what also played a factor into you not needing to fit in with the girls and worried about the boys you were like- yeah, it totally did.
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: It was like I don't really care.
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: I'm raising tiny humans right now and going to school.
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: What you have to say about me doesn't matter.
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: And another thing that just really just weighs with me is that, a, you were going into a direction of distractiveness and I feel light because of your responsibility to your siblings that guess you did some teenage fucked up things, but you rolled it in pretty quickly.
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: I cannot imagine wondering if my dad was going to jump or pull a trigger or whatever.
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: And you said it's happened ten plus times, several times now, and this happened into someone who is maybe a mature child, but a child I couldn't even drive at the time, like what do you want me to do?
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: you want me to drive to him and save him?
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: Like I literally had to sit there and play God and be like no, it's okay, everything's great, get down.
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: And that was a super defining moment for me.
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: I think that's probably where the drugs started and the drinking started, because I can.
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: I was with a boy all throughout high school who had ended up with a knife being held to my throat and him going to jail.
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: That's how it had to end, because we were so toxic and I will 100% say I played my part in that.
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: I was not an angel and the only thing I knew about love was that love is abusive and I was just saying that seems like a normal relationship for me it seems so normal and so loving and he was the only person that I felt safe with, even though he would hit me sometimes.
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: He would never let my dad or my mom do it or let them manipulate me.
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: He was so good about my siblings, about giving them a place to stay, always about them knowing that even if I'm at work, they had him, and I think that's what really drew me to him was like I'm gonna stay here and I'm gonna make this work because he would defend them even if I wasn't here but ended like really poorly in stuff.
• 33:43
  Speaker 2: But it was.
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: It's always been a lot of that and I think it forces you to grow up.
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: I think it forces you to take a different path in life.
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: That being said, of years down the road, my mom and her still husband now so my mom and my stepdad send me a picture.
• 34:00
  Speaker 2: Well, we are on a deployment in Florida, we are living in Florida, and they sent a picture of her husband and my ex the one that held the knife to my throat and they're sitting in the garage together having a beer and with what looks like a meth pipe.
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: And I'm telling you what we weren't even married at this time we were just together.
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: My husband and I were together long before we got married.
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: We were together ten years, only married like three.
• 34:25
  Speaker 2: So we were together at this point and we had already had our first child.
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: You are literally trying to ruin my life and my marriage by sending a picture of this man, because now I have to explain away why the hell this picture is being sent to me and I have no idea.
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: So I lost it.
• 34:44
  Speaker 2: I will tell you.
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: I called her and I said I've never hit my mom but I've said some things that were so disgustingly harsh that honestly, I felt she deserved in that moment.
• 34:56
  Speaker 2: But I still, to this day, think that she has zero remorse for it.
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: She doesn't understand why I can't get over that fact that I almost died that day because I did play a part in our toxicity of the relationship, and she doesn't understand why I could forgive him but why I would have a problem with her inviting him into her home those are so many different things but I can forgive you, but that has been where best sees.
• 35:24
  Speaker 2: That doesn't mean you're part of my family and I can forgive you because I was in that relationship with you.
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: But as for my sons, there's no way that if a girl held a knife to my son's throat, I would ever invite her to break bread at my table with me ever again, never again.
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: And if I did see her, it would probably be on site.
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: So I can't get past the fact that you not only I felt like we're trying to maybe manipulate my relationship or make me depend on you more.
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: I don't know a lot about your current relationship, but everything that is presented seems stable and healthy.
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: You all have a lovely home.
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: You have amazing children right.
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: So he comes from upper middle class.
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: He was shell shocked when he met my family.
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: I knew that he came from more than I did, but he was so thoughtful with me that I knew right away I wanted to marry.
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: I call my mom and I'm like how about I'm gonna marry this guy?
• 36:25
  Speaker 2: And that was like day three.
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: He was so thoughtful and so sweet.
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: I think I did put on a mask with him for a couple months because I loved him so much and he was so loving and so kind, so when he met them he was already in love with me.
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: So there was no turning back at this point.
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: We were only together six months and we got pregnant with Jax, our oldest, so there wasn't a lot of time for him to run, I would say, but meeting them he was like yeah, what makes me wonder what was your mother?
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: and obviously I don't know her and I mean everything respectfully, but could she have been sending that picture?
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: because it was a jealousy issue.
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: You're training up Again.
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: My brother's girlfriend moved into my dad's house when she turned 18.
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: She was having some troubles at home Maybe they wanted to be together, whatever.
• 37:18
  Speaker 2: So she moved in to my dad's house with my brother and they moved out and bought their first home together just like three months ago.
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: And this was a direct result of my dad pulling a gun on my oldest brother, who's 19, and he pulls a gun in my brother calls and he should have shot him.
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: And I was like no, you shouldn't have Get in the car and leave.
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: You need to get out of there.
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: You're too old to be there.
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: We made a plan that day and within three days they had moved up.
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: Now, with them moving out came text messages, phone calls, arguments in person, while they were trying to move their things from both my mom and my dad telling everyone in my family on mass text messages Madison is the devil, she's terrible, she's horrible, she's just.
• 38:03
  Speaker 2: This world revolves around her and she's sickening.
• 38:06
  Speaker 2: Let me just tell you I love her.
• 38:08
  Speaker 2: I love her.
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: She is perfect.
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: She comes from half-assed normalcy, like my husband does, and so they can't stand her because she will put her foot down, just like my husband does, and say I love you too much to let them do this to you.
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: I know that this is going to sound shitty, how?
• 38:24
  Speaker 2: But your dad can't fucking talk to you like that, and I'm like you're right, he can't.
• 38:31
  Speaker 2: So for them to always have our back and to be stability for us and to let us move on and move out has always been an issue, because once we're gone, they feel like what do I have?
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: Because when we leave, we leave Like we might take your phone calls, I might even bring you groceries.
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: I was going to say it's sad when kids are always going to leave.
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: Right, they're always going to grow up.
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: Our goal as a parent and I'm not a parent, but I have parents but our goal is you're always going to come back and they're not giving you a reason to come back.
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: No, and they never have, and so I go up north a lot, obviously because they're all younger than me and because one still is in custody of my mother.
• 39:20
  Speaker 2: I go home, probably at least twice a year.
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: Lots of times I'll go alone, like when my husband has a long weekend off work, and I will just go and spend time with my siblings and get the details and everything the second that it's over.
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: I am so happy, I'm so glad to leave again and I love this state and I love my siblings and I love my friends.
• 39:43
  Speaker 2: I love to be up there, but I have to be far enough away from them.
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: Even when we bought a house and lived up there for a few years, we had to be far enough away from them.
• 39:51
  Speaker 2: So it was just like we just had to not be within driving distance, like you're not going to drive more than an hour to see me.
• 40:00
  Speaker 2: So if I buy a house out here, I can drive to see all of you, but you won't be here.
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's that form of control.
• 40:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, even when we moved into military housing and things like that.
• 40:11
  Speaker 2: We have always held a space for my mother, because I get being the victim of abuse and I can remember far enough back.
• 40:20
  Speaker 2: I think my dad's always been an alcoholic.
• 40:22
  Speaker 2: We'll always deal with this with him.
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: Her, you taught me how to be a great mom.
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: You taught me how to mom like I do today.
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: You taught me to stand up to people like you.
• 40:31
  Speaker 2: So I know it's within you.
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: And if you were sober and if you wanted to leave that relationship, my husband has always left a huge space for her, as my mother, to come back and come into our fold whenever she needs.
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: The first house we bought had a studio apartment above the garage with the kitchenette and a sink, and that's where my best friend lived and he rented it out.
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: But he called her before all of that and was like Gina, this is the house we bought and I just want you to know can you and Brody come live here?
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: Holly already takes Jacks to school.
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: She'll take Brody, like maybe we can get you to a treatment center, you know, whatever.
• 41:08
  Speaker 2: Anything you need, she will help you with Like you don't have to pay a dollar, we just want you to work on, you know, away from everybody else, and it's always.
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: There's always an excuse and obviously, as an addict, you're not going to get help until you're ready.
• 41:23
  Speaker 2: But we still hold the space to this day and I'll always hold this space.
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: I know that there's so much more to your story.
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: I cannot wait to follow your show and I'm going to have the reminder set or when a new episode comes out, because I want to support your guests.
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: What you're doing is amazing and I also want to hear more about you and what you're doing.
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: You are brand new in the podcasting world and getting your story out on a public platform, so my question to you is what is your dream and goal with what you're doing?
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: Because this is just a stepping stone.
• 42:00
  Speaker 2: So I would say that my biggest goal would probably be to have Jelly Roll on my podcast.
• 42:07
  Speaker 2: I say that because, as a man who is you look at him, who has face tattoos and who's been through the system a couple dozen times I think it is so much more important that we hear that side of it.
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: We hear how it is because he was raised that way and his daughter was being raised that way and he had to make a conscious decision to raise her differently.
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: And I have to do that every day make a conscious decision to raise them differently and away from that.
• 42:41
  Speaker 2: So I think that's probably my biggest goal in my life.
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: You do me a lovely favor and tell everybody again where we can find you, follow you and share you and all those wonderful things.
• 42:54
  Speaker 2: Yes, gorgeous.
• 42:54
  Speaker 2: So on TikTok, it's at Holly Corhorn H-O-L-Y-K-O-R-H-O-R-N.
• 43:00
  Speaker 2: I know Corhorn is hard and then you can also follow the podcast on TikTok at Close the Blinds podcast, and then Close the Blinds comes out with new episodes every Monday on Spotify, and I am on Instagram and I am starting to YouTube as well, so both of those are the same, just at Holly Corhorn.
• 43:19
  Speaker 2: I'm happy you're my first supporter and I can't wait to do all the things together.
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: So I'm so excited.