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It's not all about sex....right? · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, it's Doc David with Hedge Drink Inc., and stay tuned because I'm gonna give you ten surefire things to get your wife to have sex with you.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: JK.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I shouldn't say unfortunately.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: I just I I would love to be able to podcast weekly, but I run a business, I have a large family, and things just get in the way of me being able to find time to regularly podcast.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: So I appreciate those that are um continuing to listen um as I figure out how to do this podcasting thing.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: My setup is probably not like many other people who like go into a place and podcast.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: I can kind of go into a place sometimes and podcast, but I don't always have that opportunity, and then meetings happen and business happens, and so then I just uh the week is goes by before I can find any time to podcast.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: So um I I have found some time to uh talk today, and so I appreciate you listening and uh appreciate any feedback you give me or questions you have for me.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: So my intro was um read like a cosmopolitan magazine, right?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: Ten ways to get your lover of fill in the blank, right?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: And so the reason I wanted to talk about this is because I saw an article on LinkedIn and the title of the article was Do These Fifteen Things and Um I'm paraphrasing because I don't have it off the top of my head.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: Um Do these fifteen things and your spouse will basically have sex with you, mind-blowing sex with you, or something like that.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: And it just kinda and and this was an article that was posted by a marriage and family therapist who runs a marriage and family therapy website.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I I saw the article and on its face you think, wow, that's great, I should try that.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: But then uh if you if you stop for a moment, if you think about it a little bit deeper, that is that and other things, three ways to turn on your spouse or three ways to turn on your partner, blah blah blah, so they will do things for you, apparently.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: So those kind of articles I think lead to a bigger problem in our society.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I think the problem um in our society with a lot of relationships is the self-centeredness that happens.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: And articles like that, and I'm sure you've seen them as you've been standing in the checkout line at the grocery store or you know, at at a looking at magazines, inevitably you see um titles like that from magazines.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: And the problem with those titles I think is that it basically is encouraging you to do something to manipulate your partner so then you can get what you want.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's a big problem in relationships just in general, is that um a lot of people are in relationships to get what they want, keep to get what they can out of the relationship.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I think I truly believe a lot of relationships die.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Divorces happen, breakups happen, because uh people go into relationships thinking, oh, what can I get out of this relationship for myself?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: Sure, you know, I love this person and and sure I'll you know do things to be nice and and you know reps reciprocate at some point.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: But um if there's any hint if I get unhappy in this relationship and if I do all these tips and all these tricks and I still can't find happiness, I'm out of this relationship.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I think uh articles like the ones that I'm describing are very formulaic.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: They say if you do this, then this will happen.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: And the problem is relationships aren't like that.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: People have baggage, people have hurt, they have broken hearts, um, and those things are the things that need to be dealt with prior to getting into any kind of relationship in reality.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so I wanted to talk about three things that I think um should be a person's focus when they're in a relationship.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll just be very clear.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: It should not be your focus in a relationship to do things to manipulate the other person to do things for you.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: I think that is a very self-centered uh point of view, and I fully believe, and and and please email me if you disagree, but I fully believe that when you have articles that are stating do these things and you'll get more sex or you'll get more romance or whatever, it it's it's manipul I think it's manipulative.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um what I would suggest is have a conversation about what you think is missing in the relationship rather than doing these what I would say sneaky things to try to manipulate the other person.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's just so confusing.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: Just have a conversation with the person.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: And if you can't, then that's when you bring in a therapist like me or someone else that's local to you that you think is competent.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, okay, so so the the thing there's three things I think you should be focusing on, and these so-called experts and quote and air quotes should be paying attention to.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: So the first one I think that you should be focusing on in particular is your partner.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Now, obviously, you want to have a satisfying relationship, but who doesn't?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: We want we want to be happy with the person that we're with.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I think despite what you read, manipulating your partner to satisfy your needs is not the way to go.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: I think the better way to go is if you love this person, is to see what you can do to make life easier for them.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um now that's that takes hard work, honestly.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: I I mean that that is hard to when you've lived with somebody for a long time and when you get into a rut or when they have repeated hurtful things that they're doing to you, it's hard to consider um them before yourself.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: But I honestly believe if you are in a relationship that you want to last and that is not marred by emotional issues and mental health issues and addiction issues, but like you actually want to be together and you work hard to be together.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: I think the one of the main things that you should be focusing on is in your partner, and the way that you can focus on your partner is what can you do to make life easier for them.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um I think if you always have that at the forefront of your mind, that they will never leave you, and they will actually in turn start reciprocating what and thinking about what they can do to make life easier for you.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: Um and it seems very simple on its face, but it is hard in the practice of it because I'll speak for myself.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: I get tired, I get I'm a selfish guy, and so I want to do my own thing.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to have to focus on my kids, or I don't want to have to focus on my spouse all the time.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean it's just me being honest, but so so I think that it's it's work and that's why it's hard.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I think a lot of times people don't want to do the work, and they would rather uh get the easy road.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: And the easy road is trying to do these quick formulaic things that people write about to get your partner to give you what you want.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: When in reality, if you just ask them and you had a conversation, it'd be a lot easier.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: The second thing I think that you should be paying attention to and that these um experts should be paying attention to are your emotions.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um so when you're in a long-term uh relationship of any kind, it can be really easy at over time to overlook your emotions because you become accustomed to things.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: So a couple of questions.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Do you find that you stuff things a lot?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: If so, why?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: Uh do you find that you're on edge a lot of the time in your relationship?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Do you avoid conversations because of a possible undesired outcome?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: So those are the things to pay attention to.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Because if any of those if you're answering yes to any of those things, th there's a good chance in your relationship there's some troubles that are if not dealt with now are gonna lead to some type of ending of the relationship or an affair.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um because people can only handle so much dismality in their life.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're in a long-term relationship, hopefully you're in that relationship long term because you actually want to be in it.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: But if you feel like you're stuck in a relationship, you're gonna do things.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: Well, if you feel like you're stuck and you don't have the courage to just break it off, you're gonna do things to kind of help deal with this unhappy relationship.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Some people turn to alcoholism or addiction, some people turn to affairs, some people just turn to work.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: So there's any number of things that people turn to.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Whereas if you just faced these emotional things and asked these questions of yourself and of your partner and then got help, it would you'd save a lot of time, effort, and misery, I believe.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um so when you become accustomed to things, you get stuck in ruts and you end up not being true to yourself.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: You feel stifled, but you're unwilling to do anything about it because you think, I've been in this relationship for 20 years already.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um I might as well just keep plugging away.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: The thing about that is talk to somebody.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not suggesting that you immediately go out and get divorced.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: Uh there's no uh there's nothing that I'm saying that would suggest that.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: What I'm suggesting is that if you find yourself in a place like that, that you seek out help because there's people that that's their job to help you get on a different path.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's my job, that's what I was trained to do, that's what I've been doing.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: And so I would encourage you, it's hard and sometimes it's expensive, but it's it will save you a lot of heartache and a probably a lot of financial heartache as well in the future if you do that.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: So pay attention to your emotions.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: You have them for a reason.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: So the third thing uh that I think you need to pay attention to.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: So the first was your partner, the second is your emotions, and then the third thing I need to put that you should be paying attention to is yourself.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: Now, earlier I had suggested that being self-centered or selfish is a bad thing, and I fully believe that being self-centered in a relationship is a bad thing.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: But but I view selfishness a little bit differently.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: I view selfishness as kind of self-care because I think it's important to love the person that you're with and to want to spend time with them, but I also think it's important to have self-care and then to focus on yourself.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: And this has nothing to do with being selfish, it has everything to do with knowing what you need in life.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: So if you haven't taken a break, for example, um, or gone out with some friends, or gone out with some guy friends and or girlfriends for a while, it might be useful to do that because it kind of lets you wind down from l living life or from being a mom or a dad uh full time.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: And being able to take care of yourself is like a really important thing.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone needs self-care, and it requires knowing limits, knowing what you're able to give to others.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you're always a give, give give person, then you're gonna get burned out.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: But on the flip side, if you're always a take, take-take person, then people are gonna get burned out on you.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: So knowing yourself, um, your strengths and challenges that you have in your life are important.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: And if you don't know these things about yourself, you should not be in a relationship.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: Because a relationship is the worst place to learn about what your strengths and challenges are.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um because inevitably you're gonna be in a relationship with someone else who doesn't know what their strengths and challenges are, and so then it's like you're trying to figure it out as you're trying to love one another, and it gets messy.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: And then you add kids into that mix, and it makes sense that people end up divorced because they say, I don't know who I married.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you didn't know who you married because you don't even know yourself.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: So if you don't know yourself, how can you know this other person?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: So my suggestion is if you find yourself right now and you're not in a relationship and you think, I don't really know myself well, don't stop looking for someone to be in a relationship with and go find something out about yourself.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think I I guarantee you it'll be the best thing that you've ever done.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: You will not regret finding out more about why you do what you do.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um because when you're informed about yourself and what your strengths are and what your challenges are and the things you like and the things you dislike, you can go into a relationship much more confident that you know this person is who I want to be with, versus I kind of like this guy, I kind of think we're a good fit.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, sure, I I'll you you asked me to marry you, sure, why not?
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: I I I guarantee you you save a lot of heartache if you figure out your strengths and challenges yourself about yourself.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so as with everything, finding balance is important.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um the articles I mentioned tend to focus on yourself at the expense of your partner.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: And it becomes, yes, you're making your partner happy, but the reason is the reason you want to make your partner happy is so you can get more sex.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: That's never a good reason to make your partner happy because it's manipulative.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um you should make your partner happy because it's the right thing to do.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's what a relationship should be about.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: And if you don't have a balance in those three things that I just mentioned above, then it's more likely than not that you're currently unhappy in your present relationship.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: And so the the more balance you can have in your life between yourself, your emotions, and your partner, um, the more likely it is your relationship's gonna last long term.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: So you may be thinking, okay, how do I get this balance?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I mean, the biggest way I think you get that balance is you find a competent therapist.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um those are people that have nothing to do with your life and can give you a very different perspective from your friends or your mom or your dad or aunt or uncle who all know you and who all like love and care for you, and so they're all biased towards you.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's very rare to find a friend that um will speak very openly and honestly to you in a loving way.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: They may speak openly and honestly to you because they're annoyed with you, which is no good, but you want to find somebody that is either a therapist like myself or a close friend that loves you and is willing to speak openly and honestly about you, as well as you speak openly and honestly about them.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: That kind of deep level relationship is very difficult to find, and so it's easier if you need someone now to go find a competent therapist.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um these people can usually point out blind spots in your life.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and if it's something that, you know, after after listening to this, you think, oh, hey, that's something that I could benefit from in my life, um, you're feel feel free to email me at headshrinkinc at gmail.com.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_01: I can help get you on a path.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: I was just interacting with someone on Instagram.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um my Instagram is Dr.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: David Simonson.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: And so someone was messaging back and forth about someone who's possibly wanting help with counseling and didn't know how to go about doing it.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: So I was, you know, giving them some info on how to do that.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so you can find me on Facebook at Doc David, or you can email me at headshrinkink at gmail.com.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um I appreciate you listening in, and we'll have more next week.